Love

So the Present Can Be More Present

/ James Browning / 1 Comment

Some believe we hold on so tightly to our problems because they can give us a sense of identity. The theory goes that we replay past mistakes over and over again mentally which allows feelings of shame and regret to shape our present. There is a clinging to worry about the future, as if that somehow lends strength.   I am guilty of spinning such self-deception thinking that if I can finally crack the mystery of something in the past somehow the key to the future will be unveiled.

What I have learned is the “key” to the future is “today”.  By living well in the present is how I can best effect what is yet to be.  There are few answers, if any, to be found in the past.  No amount of fretting, pointed thinking or anguish will find sense and logic where none actually exists.  Looking from “now” into the past is sort of like looking through a kaleidoscope:  the view is colorful and interesting, but in no way is an accurate view. My memory of something in the past is actually a story I have spun to remember what I think happened.  It is NOT what actually happened, but only my story about the happening:  factual or inaccurate in what measures is impossible to know.

Even with the knowing my view of the past is no more than partially correct I am still guilty of holding too tightly to some of my delusions about happenings of long ago.  They may even be lies I tell myself, but regardless I know them well.  And in knowing them well I trust what is not trustworthy in the first place.  This is one of the reasons that expressing myself openly and fully to someone I care deeply about is so difficult for me.  All the knowledge I have acquired and tools I have learned for coping with life have not erased the tendency to regulate today based on the past.  The fear of telling my true and deep feelings remains a challenge.

There is someone special in life who I have opened my heart to and found love with.  For years I thought that would never happen again.  In part, I wished it wouldn’t as a way of trying to protect myself from being hurt.  Love, like life, works best when its movement forward is free, but guided somewhat by lessons learned:  signposts created through difficulty dealt with and adversity overcome.  However, the key is the lessons must be viewed in “past tense” with only the wisdom gained being present today.

I have had difficulty expressing my feelings about something specific for several weeks to my special someone.  Hesitation came from reviving memories of the past and making them alive in the present.  Clear in memory is telling one in my past “I can’t tell you my problems because if I do you’ll only make them worse by using them against me”.  That ember of the past floated into the present, blazed brightly and blinded me with its heat and smoke.

After trying for several weeks to speak about what was bothering me, I exercised both courage and cowardness by expressing my feelings in writing.  My preference would have been to speak my thoughts, but they would not form in an audible manner.  So I typed them in MS Word instead.  When I pressed ‘send’ for the email, at least I knew I was being open, honest and caring.  I hoped for the best.

While I had not specific idea how the woman in my life would react, I hoped everything would be OK.  That it would turn out that way could have been seen more easily had I judged our relationship purely by what we have shared.  However, as hard as I try for it not to be a factor my old conditioning from the past jumped up to be a strong force.  My primary mistake is thinking the past was completely past and of little influence on my present.  What has come before will continue to fade as time passes, but will never disappear completely.  This was a wakeup call proving that.  Avoiding getting caught up in my history does not mean blocking it or forgetting it.  Rather I just need to pay some attention to the signposts of wisdom gained along the way and let go of past pain and heartache.

Having not slept well due to concern about how my letter would be received, I was greatly relieved when the woman I love responded this morning with a kind and understanding email.  Yes, there is something to deal with but it exists ONLY due to how we both have been treated in our past.  We will work together to make the past, past, so the present can be more present.  Now that has been recognized a return to living in the present is upon me.  I only hope the same can be said for her and as much as I want to make it so, I can not.  As I must deal with “my stuff”, she must deal with hers.  If we both do so with courage and good intention what we share will strengthen, the present will grow more vibrant and the past less influential.  With hope and gratitude I believe that is what will happen.

The past is our definition.  We may strive, with good reason,
to escape it, or to escape what is bad in it
but we will escape it only by adding something better to it.
Wendell Berry

A Do-It-Yourself Blog

/ James Browning

Here today are few words and collage of photos intended for the do-it-yourselfer.  Take in the three word definitions and the photos of people.  Then spend a few moments with reflecting on them.  You are almost guaranteed to feel better!  

Happiness:   good fortune,  prosperity, a state of well-being and contentment, a pleasurable or satisfying experience, a mental state of well-being

Joy:  a deep feeling of happiness or contentment, outward show of pleasure or delight; rejoicing, well-being, success, or good fortune

Bliss:  immense happiness; serene joy, the ecstatic joy of near heaven, serenely joyful or glad, supreme happiness; utter joy or contentment, euphoria

Joy, Bliss and Happiness are catching!  I am very grateful for how good putting this together left me feeling!

If you want to be happy, be.
Leo Tolstoy

An Uncontrollable Force

/ James Browning / 1 Comment

Falling in love has always seemed to me as something out of my control.  The feeling is one of being swept away without choice or explanation on an unpredictable journey taken toward some unknown destination.  It is near like catching some wonderful virus for which there may be no cure.  Or it may be the sort of phenomenon that like a cold, comes on fast and hard, but passes on given time.  At the onset it is impossible to know how temporary or long-term what has been “caught” might be.

There are those who say romantic love as we know it today can be tracked back to French troubadours of the Middle Ages.  They were traveling entertainers who recited poems, put on plays and performed the popular songs of the time.  Apparently their audiences especially liked romantic tales and songs. Like any good entertainers, they gave their spectators what they wanted and refined and spread the emotional game of love through their performances.

The French Troubadours had no way of knowing the traditions they first brought to human consciousness would become the roots of what we today think of in popular culture as romantic love.  Before the dark ages, some likely experienced the larger-than-life feelings akin to what we now call romance.  However, the sudden, out of no where eruptions of sentiment and attraction did not begin to be the wide-spread passion of the masses until the Middle Ages.

It had been said falling in love is a sort of insanity or at least an altered state of consciousness. It can feel like the heart has been taken over by an uncontrollable force.  When falling in love, everything seems wonderful; most breathtaking of all is the person one is falling for. The sensation is like being pulled by a seemingly spontaneous reaction into a beautiful storm of uncontrollable and overwhelming attraction and desire.

Romantic love is often described as completely blind and brings a time when a person loses most sense of logic or some say, a time of insanity.  Psychology says we are actually responding not only to natures desire to continue our species but also to our own internal fantasies that have been created within by romantic traditions.  A yearning for a dream lover can cause pent-up hopes, desires and fantasies to be aimed toward an unsuspecting person.  Science maintains this is not love itself, but instead mostly about being in love with love.

Psychologists have shown it takes between 90 seconds and 4 minutes to decide if you fancy someone.  Research has shown this has little to do with what is said, rather 55% is through body language, 38% is the tone and speed of their voice and only 7% is through what they say.  Kind of takes the romance out of it doesn’t it!

I began to fall in love about six months ago with a wonderful woman.  What is shared has proven not to be the temporary transient sort.  Enough time has passed that the initial insanity has mellowed as emotions have deepened.  If I am to a large degree yielding to traditions started almost a thousand years so, so be it.  If my experience is not atypical and instead just run of the mill, ordinary sentiment and emotion, that’s ok.  It matters not to me if it was mostly her body language and voice that have captured my attention.

I only know “what is, is”.  What “is” within feels genuine and real.  I honestly don’t care where it comes from.  I only care that it is!  I will not concern myself with where love comes from or where it may take me.  Instead for the first time in my life I am content to simply live each day with love within and allow that to be enough.  I don’t have to worry if “this will work out”.  Today, it already works!

I long thought my ability to love was worn out and my heart was too fatigued to ever know love again. This is just one of many times I end up happy with thankfulness for being wrong.

Four thoughts about love from Albert Einstein

Gravitation is not responsible for people falling in love.

Few are those who see with their own eyes and feel with their own hearts.

Life isn’t worth living, unless it is lived for someone else.

Any man who can drive safely while kissing a pretty girl is simply not giving the kiss the attention it deserves.

Song in Your Heart

/ James Browning / 2 Comments

From “Give Me Roses” by Marvin L. Cartee

If I am due but one little rose
While living upon this earth,
Let it be given while I’m still alive,
As a token of what I’m worth.

Give me my roses while I’m still alive,
Don’t sit there and hold them and wait,
Don’t wait until the day I am gone
Because then it’s a little too late.

If you love someone don’t hesitate
To tell them you love them today.
Don’t put it all off for tomorrow
‘Cause tomorrow may have passed away.

So if I am due one little rose,
While traveling along life’s highway,
Don’t hold onto that flower too long,
Please give me my roses today.

Dear ________,

I have been unsuccessful in fully expressing how much of a difference you make in my life. The scope of what is inside is difficult to form into words, but I will try anyway. In written form I have put down here at least a little of what I want you to know.

Thank you for being kind to me and noticing when I just need someone to listen. When I have no wish for approval of my feelings, but just need to be heard you always pay close attention to what I had to say. You honor me with that kindness and often help me often bear what you or even I do not understand.

All too aware I am of my shortcomings and faults. Certainly you must see them too, yet you rarely acknowledge them and chose instead to see the good in me. You have always seen more than I have ever believed about myself and tell me so. Never will I see me as you do, but my view of self is far better than it ever could have been without you.

Together with you over time I have learned the joy of doing nothing. Just being together gave hours great value and there was nothing we had to do to make it so. I learned with you that wasting time with a friend is one of the most meaningful ways to cash in minutes of my life.

You have always given me good advice although I have not always followed it. At all times you have my best interest in mind and no other intention. I thank you for your counsel and for never trying to push it on me.

Never was I able to openly express my love of someone as a friend until our friendship. I learned how to hug each time I see you and again when we part. Never was that something I could do before, but through you such expression of affection has become natural and easy with all that I care about.

You have been kind to me when I was not being so to you.
You have been patient with me when my patience was gone.
You have helped me without questioning or without even being asked.
You have been there for me when I needed you to, but could not ask.
You have been my friend even when you did not like what I was doing or saying.
You have never made a practice of saying “I told you so’ although there have been many times you could have.
I have deep admiration your honesty and directness.
I have great respect for your power to think beyond what others see.
I marvel at your ability to express your feelings to others.
I think a lot of your multiple talents and how you put them to good use.
I marvel at how you are kind and never rude, even to those who are to you.
I have high regard for your beliefs and practice of them.
I am often astonished at how much you love and am loved by your family and friends and how those feelings are openly expressed.
I appreciate you just as you are: once single measure of flaws and imperfection and a hundred measures of quality and character.

I am privileged to have you as my friend. I am fortunate to be yours. Without hesitation or reservation, I love you clearly and freely as only a true friend can love another. Thank you for being in my life.

A friend is someone who knows the song in your heart and can sing it back to you when you have forgotten the words.
Bernard Meltzer

A Shuttered Heart Flung Open

/ James Browning / 1 Comment

Dear Heart,

You were an undeveloped child when the inaccurate realization came that love cripples.  That false knowing left you emotionally lame and wounded. Life was a mistaken tutor when it taught that, but you were too immature to do anything except accept the teaching as truth. That was the very reason you began a life-long search for the very thing which brought such anguish for so long.  Like a flame seeking fire to join with your pursuit of affection has been relentless.  Dear heart, don’t stop trying.

When the strength of childhood should have been yours you were already fatigued and exhausted by love.  It is not your fault that you became a near beggar for the warmth of the love of others.  You needed only to be needed.  You wanted only to be wanted.  Dear heart, don’t ever give up.

Shattered first by this one and then by another; family, lover and friend.  This has been your path.  Like one lost in a blinding snow storm your steps have been slow and labored, but you still have found your way toward what you yearned for.  Dear heart, don’t stop moving onward.

Flawed by your own faults and damaged by the defects of others, the imperfection of love grew within you.  In childhood dreams of love were found in fairy tales and movies.  Those were the only dependable reference point you had, but the fantasy of one and make-believe of the other taught little about how one loves.  Dear heart, don’t lose that knowing.

What one does not have is impossible to give another.  As your parents were and extended family was, you became.  No matter how much you allowed yourself to travel in the direction of love, it was a destination you never arrived at because you did not even know it when it was nearby.  Like a train that missed its stop, you ran by love when it was before you only realizing the mistake too late.  Dear heart, don’t cease using what has been learned.

In your untamed need and flailing pursuit, you have hurt many people.  So self-absorbed and singled-minded with your sense of purpose, the pain caused was barely noticed by you usually.  Only later with mind turned backward could your past deeds be seen for what they were.  It was not your fault.  You did not know better then.  You do now.  Dear heart, don’t forget to forgive yourself.

Others were to blame for you being orphaned of healthy love and emotion when you were a child.  It was not your fault.  You simply knew no better.  That was a good explanation for your behavior when you knew nothing more.  Now the ‘university of life’  has given you a degree in knowledge and experience.  Dear heart, don’t forget to use that education.    

Today: you are like the heart of a young man who feels love openly and expresses it freely; a child formed into an adult.  Expressing your love to others will never be a mistake.  Dear heart, tell of your self truly

Today:  One who has known true pain and heartache knows best what joy and love feel like.  Each is but the mirror reflection of the other amplified by familiarity and practice.  It is in facing fear and continuing in spite of it that the heart triumphs.  Dear heart, be brave and give all of yourself without expectation.

Today:  Living long without being fed the emotional sustenance you needed means you have more to give than most.  Those who have suffered long at the hand of life, of others and of their own doing can understand you.  The best chance of being loved as you need to be is with those whose days adrift from love are a close parallels to yours.  People with common life experience will best “get you” and you them.  Dear heart, open yourself to those who love you.

So dear heart, do you understand that this is a love letter to you? 

I feel you pumping in my chest every minute of every day.  What feelings you bring forth for this body to know get expanded and felt in every cell of your/my/our being.  A therapist said to ‘us’ a few years ago, “I am surprised you made it”.  But dear heart, ‘we’ did make it!  ‘We’ are alive, well and able to love like few can.  The peril and hazard of the past have today become ‘our’ reward:  the ability to love deeply, fully and completely. ‘Our’ gratefulness overflows and falls in tears down the face to settle above a long shuttered heart that is flung willingly open.

The hunger for love is much more difficult
to remove than the hunger for bread.
  Mother Teresa

Not Everyone is Meant to Stay

/ James Browning / 4 Comments

Sometimes you have to give up on people. Everyone that is in your journey is meant to be in your journey, but not everyone is meant to stay there. 
Anonymous

Deep down inside me is a strong wish to have grasped the meaning of that statement long before understanding came.  Previously my long-term theory of living was simply if I love someone, somehow, someway it was going to work out.  Otherwise, why would love have found me if not for an intention of becoming something lasting?  

Such a view was one of a child carried into adult hood; a child not loved enough hidden inside an adult who grabbed at any scrap of affection that came his way.  The need to be adored was irresistible.  It did not matter that what I perceived was not genuine or what another expressed to me was feigned, disposable or temporary.  So eager for love, my heart openly accepted what it identified as affection from whatever source it came.  So hungry to be noticed and appreciated, I became involved with almost any woman who showed interest in me.  

With time I came to know that frequently people love what is not good for them.  An alcoholic loves a drink.  A drug addict loves a fix.  A gambler loves risking every dime.  An adrenaline junky loves the rush of risking life.  And so on it goes when there is emptiness on the inside that one tries to fill from outside the self.  With women I either loved ones too much who were not good for me or else did not love enough those who were.    

In more youthful years I claimed to date ‘crazy bitches’ because they were more fascinating and exciting.  In more mature years now, the realization is clear that ‘like attracts like’.  It was only because I was ‘just as crazy’ that my attraction was so strong to such women.  More thrills and spills than a roller coaster ride , but like any amusement, such extreme relationships eventually got old.  They exhausted me.  

There is this notion within those similar to me who have spent much of their lives feeling “less than” that if we can save another person they will in turn save us. Rarely does it work because such a scenario is an attempt to get esteem from outside one’s self instead of nurturing it internally.  A person then becomes a sort of emotional vampire, always on the hurt to ‘feed” on another’s feelings but sated each time only for a while.  One can only save them self from the inside out and no one else can do the work.  No amount of basking in another’s emotions made me better.  No amount of trying to be a ‘savior of women’ actually saved anyone.  In reality the attempts usually caused me (and those I was involved with) to be worse off emotionally than before we knew each other. 

Once upon a time nothing pleased me for long.  Whatever I achieved seemed hollow quickly.  Whoever I was involved with in time felt too imperfect.  Never was there contentment for long with what was in front of me.  I always either wanted more or continually asked myself if there was more.  More money, more sleep, more success, more sex, more time, more attention, more love.  Enough was never enough. 

My insecurities caused me to attempt to collect love by alway trying to hold on in some way to every woman I was ever involved with.  Whether maintaining some occasional contact, keeping mementos and photos stashed away in a box or keeping thoughts of them alive, I held on.  There was no questioning if this was healthy.  Constantly my ego yelled “you’re not good enough” through a screaming bullhorn in my brain.  The only way to quiet the noise even temporarily was to allow myself to be filled with the thrills of someone new.  

To actually see my own life clearly and become grateful for all that led me to this here and now took aligning myself with some measure of peace and truth. To learn to look at my present circumstances through gentle, kind and loving eyes required years to learn.  Even longer was needed to realize I was living a wonderful destiny that was uniquely mine.  

Peace is loving what is…what exists now in this moment here.  In her book “Loving What Is” Byron Katie wrote the only time we suffer is when we believe a thought that argues with what is. When the mind is perfectly clear, what is, is what we want. If you want reality to be different than it is, you might as well try to teach a cat to bark. You can try and try, and in the end the cat will look up at you and say, “Meow.” Wanting reality to be different than it is, is hopeless. 

So here I am in late middle age with all my flaws, scars, and blemishes but wiser and happier than I have ever been. Getting here took establishing good boundaries for myself and others.  I had to let go of a lot of things and people:  my Mother, two ex-wives, several friends, a handful of ex-lovers and girlfriends, a comfy long-term job, the big house, over half my savings and more.  Only through the letting go was therespace in my life for what I truly needed.  My gratefulness to be in this here and now is beyond my command of written language to express fully.  So I will just say “thank you” with sincere thankfulness. 

No one can give you freedom but you.
Byron Katie

1,000 Things You Don’t Know About Women

/ James Browning / 5 Comments

Almost exactly six months ago Esquire magazine published an articled on their website titled “1,000 Things You Don’t Know About Women”.  Last night I stumbled across it while doing some on-line research on another topic.  The description of the article on the website was: “We asked the women in our lives to share their secrets about sex, relationships, and what we’ve been doing wrong (and right) all these years. Four months after our special issue devoted to women — and with continuing help from you on Twitter —  we’ve reached a thousand pieces of wisdom.”

Most of the thousand comments hit me as interesting, even fascinating, certainly educational and at times humorous, while insightful.  I am appreciative of the women who responded so candidly.  Most remarks were reminders of what five decades of paying attention to the opposite sex has taught me, although it was helpful being prompted to practice consistently what I know.  

Some of the comments women were enlightening.  One I will remember always is how to answer the proverbial question:  “Does this dress make me look fat”.

No. 340: If that piece of clothing does indeed make us look fat, simply say, “It’s nice, but you don’t look comfortable in it.” Most of the time, it’s true. —Nicole Lee, 31, San Francisco

Another comment was a cue for men to remember to tell women we love how attractive they are to us, no matter how long we’ve been together.

No. 77: We want you to think we are pretty. Every now and then, when we get all fixed up, act for a minute like we make it hard for you to breathe. — Shannon Purvis, 45, Novato, California

I learned the hard way, that secrets almost always become known eventually and secrets are poison that given time harm or kill a loving relationship.  

No. 592: If you don’t want to tell us something, you probably should. We might find out from someone else, and that won’t be good. — Jenna Alice Loerop, 21, Chicago

Frequently I have tried to understand exactly where a woman I cared about was coming from when all I had to do was pay attention.  On that subject, here is good advice from the Esquire “1,000 Things You Don’t Know About Women”.

No. 518: Sometimes we don’t need you to solve the problem; we just want you to listen. — Nicole Semonis, 22, Encinitas, California

No. 940: Four words that will turn away our wrath: “How can I help?” —Judith Brodnicki, 50, Omaha

It is not unusual for men to forgot to treat the woman they love as well we once did (women do this do too by the way, so reversing the gender in the comment also makes sense).      

No. 23 We want you to never stop hunting us. Even if we married you. Remember why you got the gig. Don’t make the trailer the only fun in the whole production. That’s misleading. — Avril Dell, 46, Toronto

Here are six more comments from the Esquire article I randomly selected to include here:

No. 437: Even the most ardent feminist likes to be swept off her feet with an unplanned spontaneous romantic gesture. Trust me. —Jennifer Dewhirst Steshyn, 51, Lakeland, Florida

No. 69: When you play with my hair, you’re actually making love to me. Did you know that? —Babette Dickerson, 50, Shaker Heights, Ohio

No. 104: The girl who had a crush on you in the third grade probably still thinks about you once a week. Okay, twice. —Jennifer Smith, 34, Atlanta

No. 872: In regards to shirt buttons, here’s our advice: one open, you’re fine, two open, you’re cutting it close, three or more and you look like you belong on Tool Academy. — Aminata Dia, 22, San Jose, California

No. 50: No, it’s not all right that you didn’t plan anything for our birthday even though we told you not to. — Carla Michelle Coley, 24, Washington, D. C.

No. 40: We think you’re high maintenance, too. — Naomi Pabon-Figueroa, 25, Pittsburgh

I suppose the Esquire article leaned so heavily on comments by 20-something women due to that likely being the prime dating demographic. As I picked remarks to include today I intentionally leaned a bit toward women in their 30’s, 40’s and 50’s.  Being in my 5th decade I was especially interested to learn what “older” (defined as more mature/experienced/full-grown/wiser, etc) women had to say.  

The readers of this blog lean about 60% female and I am hopeful some of you will leave a comment here about “What Men Need to Know About Women” so I can post them.  Men, you are just as welcome to leave your insights about women as well.

After two marriages and too many failed relationships over the years, I appreciate any input you care to share. Being in a new wonderful love relationship of about six months now, all helpful insights will be greatly appreciated. 

Sometimes I wonder if men and women really suit each other.  Perhaps they should live next door and just visit now and then.  Katharine Hepburn

Here’s a link to the Esquire article “1,000 Things You Don’t Know About Women: http://www.esquire.com/women/women-issue/funny-facts-about-women-0510

Love Was Born at Christmas

/ James Browning / 2 Comments

It has been a lot of years since I can remember having the spirit of Christmas alive and frolicking within as I do this year. It could easily be true I have never been this happy at this time of year.  The little boy who lives inside me is enjoying reports of Santa’s progress in my direction.  The grownup within is dazzled by the feeling inside that sparkles and shines brightly like the lights of the season.  My eyes see Christmas. My ears hear the music.  My mouth tastes the food.  My nose smells the trees.  My touch feels bows and wrapping paper.  My heart is soft and childlike, yet touched deeply in mature ways.  Santa is coming.  Christ-mas is near.   

Eva K. Logue
A Christmas candle is a lovely thing;
It makes no noise at all,
But softly gives itself away;
While quite unselfish, it grows small.

Emily Matthews
From home to home, and heart to heart, from one place to another
The warmth and joy of Christmas, brings us closer to each other. 

Christina Rossetti
Love came down at Christmas;
Love all lovely, love divine;
Love was born at Christmas,
Stars and angels gave the sign. 

Phillips Brooks
The earth has grown old with its burden of care
But at Christmas it always is young,
The heart of the jewel burns lustrous and fair
And its soul full of music breaks the air,
When the song of angels is sung.

Henry Wadsworth Longfellow
I heard the bells on Christmas Day
Their old familiar carols play,
And wild and sweet the words repeat
Of peace on Earth, good will to men! 

Helen Lowrie Marshall
The merry family gatherings –
The old, the very young;
The strangely lovely way they
Harmonize in carols sung.
For Christmas is tradition time
Traditions that recall
The precious memories down the years,
The sameness of them all. 

Ella Wheeler Wilcox
When Christmas bells are swinging above the fields of snow,
We hear sweet voices ringing from lands of long ago,
And etched on vacant places
Are half-forgotten faces
Of friends we used to cherish,
And loves we used to know. 

Calvin Coolidge
Christmas is not a time nor a season, but a state of mind.
To cherish peace and goodwill, to be plenteous in mercy, is to have the real spirit of Christmas. 

Augusta E. Rundel
Christmas… that magic blanket that wraps itself about us, that something so intangible that it is like a fragrance.
It may weave a spell of nostalgia. Christmas may be a day of feasting, or of prayer, but always it will be a day of remembrance — a day in which we think of everything we have ever loved.

If only for a day, the world will be just a little safer, a little more peaceful and life will arrive with a little more kindness.  Even the bad guys and criminals are not quite as busy on Christmas.  For every gift ever received I am grateful.  For every hardship and lack that taught to appreciate them I am even more thankful. 
Merry Christmas!

Were I a philosopher, I should write a philosophy of toys, showing that no thing else in life need to be taken seriously, and that Christmas Day in the company of children is one of the few occasions on which men become entirely alive.  Robert Lynd

God is Love, Hope, Peace

/ James Browning / 3 Comments

For several years there was no obvious sign of Christmas in the place I lived.  Little feeling for the holidays was within me either.  My emotions were mostly variances in the range of anguish to numbness.  Such is the way of healing.  

Recovering from grief, heartache and dysfunction is a slow process and requires the time it takes.  No more.  No less.  There is no shortcut.

Last Christmas there began a subdued little glow of Christmas within me.  I bought a little artificial tree and decorated it.  For the first time in years I began to find some delight for the holidays.  

Now just twelve months later it feels as though many multiples of that period have come and gone.  In  the passing of a single year my true recovery from depression has taken frim deep root and life is good; the best ever.  My education includes the knowledge there is no easy way to mend, except to live one day at a time, one step at a time. 

I kept my feet on a path forward even when sometimes that meant learning the lessons taught by two steps forward and one back.  I made mistakes, but did my best to extract wisdom from each one.  I kept going, even when collapsing into sorrow was appealing.  I did the work that recovery requires and sought out support of a peer when I was discouraged.  I faced my demons, destroyed few, but diminished the power of all of them. I made good choices and gave myself credit for them.  

I stopped the constant question “what am I going to do” and made a commitment to settle down in the city I already lived in.  I bought a house and began to live in a real home for the first time in almost five years.  I recommitted myself to the good job I already had and discovered I was better at it than ever.  I met someone special and freed my heart to fal in love.  I made new dear friendships and my relationship with three old friends got deeper. 

A full range of feeling came back and I allowed myself to experience them even when it was arduous.  Despair has largely been left behind me and in its space peace has found me.  I know true happiness and have immense gratitude.  

In the kitchen this morning pouring my second cup of coffee I looked toward the den and saw the view included at the top.  It was striking and touching to the point of watery eyes as I realized the spirit of Christmas was alive within me and evident in my home.  Even now my heart swells in my chest as I look at the photo.  Over time developing awareness of the goodness in my life and gratitude for it has been a substantial portion of the cure for what ailed me.  

In the photo:

First that jumps out to me is the sparkling little Christmas tree.  It is the same modest one from last year and is now known as “the little tree that could” bring Christmas joy back to James’s life.

I see the gifts for friends beneath the tree I can’t wait to share with them.  Other gifts were wrapped and shipped to friends and family earlier enough this year that the packages will reach their destinations in time for Christmas.

I live in a real home now that reflects back to me the warmth of an authentic person.  I don’t feel the need to pretend any longer and I like me… I really like me (well, most of the time).

On the walls is black and white photography I love.  In some frames is my work and others contain images by photographers I respect.

Old clocks are part of the landscape of my home as is the collection of ornamental glass on the sofa table.  I love how the ticking of the clocks and the reflections of the glass bring life to a room.

A  forty-year old Marantz amp/tuner brings me lots of pleasure especially when the music is coming from an LP playing on the turntable. 

Almost out of range visually in the left of the image, but never out of my mind are photos of my son.  No father has ever loved a son more nor been prouder of one.  

There are flowers on the hearth in front of the fireplace.  While a seemingly decadent luxury to some, there always are fresh flowers in my home.  There is never too much beauty in anyone’s life.

In a big green glass jar under the end table is a collection of matchbooks that span not only my life but some of my father’s time when phone numbers were something like “Delaware 3-2468”.

In the center of the image is a framed photo of a couple.  It was taken a few months ago on a cell phone by a friend of the woman I love and me at a restaurant. 

The couch on the left of the photo is the one she and I have made out on many times.  My Sweetie says we should always keep it for sentimental reasons.  I agree.

Too small to be focused on just to the right of the fireplace on the hearth are three rocks with words on them.  One rock says “God is love” on it.  My friend and fellow Codependence Anonymous member Doug gave me (thanks Dude!).  There are two others both given to me by my ex-wife after we had gone our separate ways.  One has “Hope” carved into it and was the spirit she wished for me at one of my birthdays.  And the most important rock she also gave me has “Peace” inscribed upon it.  For the eight years we were together when she asked what I wanted most in life I would reply “peace”.  Several years ago during one of the last times we spent several hours together she gave me the “peace rock” saying she wished “peace” for me with all her heart.  Life has moved on.  She has remarried.  We are only part of each other’s past.  Today I know the comfort of a good measure of “peace” and owe her thanks for helping me move in its direction.

God is love. Hope.  Peace. I am exceedingly grateful to have the gift of these three blessings profoundly alive in my life.  And those things are my Christmas wish for one and all.

Christmas gift suggestions:  To your enemy, forgiveness.  To an opponent, tolerance.  To a friend, your heart.  To a customer, service.  To all, charity.  To every child, a good example.  To yourself, respect.  Oren Arnold

Part of Loving is to Let Go

/ James Browning / 1 Comment

Her name was Evelyn Thompson and she was my girlfriend when I has a junior in high school.  She was a year older and my first serious girlfriend. I loved her to the capacity a 16-year-old boy can.  Never before had I cried over the loss of a girlfriend, but when she broke up with me tears of heartbreak came for the first time. I felt her loss from my life deeply.

While her parents tolerated me, the relationship Evelyn and I had scared them. It’s clear today they wanted her to go to college and being seriously involved with a ‘boy’ was a threat to that. In reality our relationship probably was a bit dangerous for their hopes and who knows what might have happened without the pressure they put on her. Garth Brooks wrote “some of God’s greatest gifts are unanswered prayers”.  Certainly that was true of Evelyn and me. I was such a mess emotionally then and would certainly have made chaos of anything we might have become.

The time was 1969-1970 and my home life was at its peak of dysfunction. My mother’s drinking was escalating and my despised stepfather was getting meaner as he took my adolescence as a serious threat. It was getting harder for him to control and abuse me because I made my own money, paid my own bills, excelled at school and was a good kid. He had nothing to be upset at me about, although he still found reasons that were ever-increasing growing thin.

In a matter of a few months I would stand up to him when he drew back to hit me saying “go ahead. I’ll stomp you until you’re a grease spot”. I was at my breaking point and at that moment there was no doubt my intentions would have been to inflict as much damage to him as possible.  He saw the pent-up rage in my eyes and knew I absolutely meant what I said. He did not touch me that day or ever again. He and my mother threw me into the street three weeks later.

On foot with a suitcase I left walking down the street and never went back. With enough money for two nights I sat in my motel room pondering my options.  I realized there were few.  My part-time job did not yeild enough income to live on my own and go to school at the same time. There was only one choice. I called my Father two hundred miles away who I barely knew.  He heard me say “I have no place to go. Can I come stay with you?” He took me in and gave me the best year of my childhood.  My senior year of high school was happily spent with my Father, stepmother and eight year old half-sister.

Had it not become necessary for me to move two hundred miles away, there is certainty within it would have been Evelyn I eventually sought solace from.  My confidence is strong that she would have tried to help me if I had asked. I also feel certain she could not have given me what I needed to make my life better. Even if we had gotten back together, we were so very young.  With my dysfunctions learned growing up I would have unintentionally torn us apart as I was nowhere near ready for a long-term relationship. Heck, I was not even ready for one then another failed marriage.  Only in more recent times have I arrived at a point of mental clarity where I have a good chance of being in a long-term love relationship successfully.

With some regularity I wonder what happened to Evelyn Thompson of Ashland, Alabama, Class of 1970.  There are no thoughts of trying to rekindle an old flame. I know well there is no going back and life cannot be lived in reversed.  Today I am uncertain how true and deep my love for her really was anyway. What I recall feeling most about her had a lot to do with wanting to feel needed, important and cared about by someone.  She was tender and kind to me; rare commodities in my teen years.

Gratefulness lives deep and solid in my heart for the sweet times Evelyn and I shared.  We never had sex and even making out was never anything past an “R” rating.  The memory I retain is of a relationship that was gentle and caring.  A favorite memory is sitting in her family’s living room listening to Tommy James and the Shondells “Greatest Hits” while holding hands and hugging with an occasional smooch.  We went to different schools and she went to my “Junior-Senior Prom”.  I went to hers.  Buried in an old trunk not opened in years till recently remains a double frame with a photo taken at each prom along with my lapel flower from one or the other.  I have not thought of those things in years.

Years ago I heard she married and was working for the power company in Gadsden, Alabama. I never followed up and it’s just as well. My hope is Evelyn is having a rewarding life blessed with much happiness. The pain of our breakup forty-one years ago has mellowed into sweet and cherished memories I am grateful for.  Evelyn, thank you for being ‘my girl’ once upon a time!

Part of loving is learning to let go.
The Wonder Years Television show