Bedtime last night was about half past midnight.  It is rare I am up that late for no reason, but with regularity I attend shows and performances that shorten a night’s quantity of sleep.  Last evening I gave up a few hours of sleep to see Steely Dan in concert, the first time I have ever seen Becker and Fagen perform.  The show was well worth the price of admission and the hours of sleep given up I paid to see the concert.  Further, time with friends at dinner and at the show enriched the night’s experience. 

Steely Dan has always been known for their near-obsessive perfectionism in the studio and similar attention to detail paid to their live performances.  Last night was no exception.  The band was tight, well rehearsed and seemingly near perfect in their execution of the greatest hits journey they took us on.  Somewhere during the 4th or 5th song, a slow to become clear epiphany began to manifest it’s self within.  The focus of my thoughts became clear just after Donald Fagen inadvertently began playing the wrong song on their set list.  After a few bars he stopped, a little embarrassed laughed off the error and jumped right into playing the correct song in sequence.   He seemed to just let it go and there appeared to be no impact what so ever on the rest of the concert.   

My realization was that even an incredible and proficient band that performs with near perfection makes mistakes.  This was a reminder to me that perfection doesn’t exist on Earth and a substantial reminder that as a person I am far from flawless or faultless.  Of course, in a general sense I know that well, yet often hold myself to a standard of near perfection.  This is certainly true when looking in the rear view mirror at my past.  Here and there I find myself thinking about what I should have done and then scolding myself lightly for not having chosen the perfect choice or behavior.  For some reason I sometimes hold myself to a standard that is beyond reach.  Moved a step forward that can easily become a reason not to try or else procrastinate on even trying because I know my actions will be imperfect. 

I found myself wondering why it is usually so easy to find fault with my self.   I settled on the reason being the conniptions and gyrations of my ego.   Coming from the Latin word meaning “I”, the “ego” decides how I see myself distinctly as compared to others and the world in general.  It is the judge and jury that prescribe the self set expectations I have for my self.  It’s not that my self imposed standards are all too high (some are though) that causes unease.  Instead, I realized I sometimes use them as an excuse to not even start things.     

A good example is to lose the 25 pounds I gained since stopping smoking a few years ago.  That is not a simple task.  Yet, it is not the difficulty of weight loss that is the issue.  I have accomplished far tougher things.  It is the getting started and the needed consistency for just a beginning week or so that is elusive.  Why?  My ego has a challenge letting me begin something it is not convinced I can achieve.  The ego’s desire for perfection blocks my beginning.  Same is true for regular exercise.  

Even down to getting some dental work done, my ego plays games with me.  It mumbles to me “you’re middle aged.  You shouldn’t expect your teeth to look great.  Accept your age” and so on.  Why?  The ego does not want me to even begin unless it is certain fairly certain near-perfection is achievable.  To illustrate my point further, there is really nothing wrong with my teeth now.  I have a good pearly white smile without gaps or discoloring.  Rather, I need two implants for back teeth and implants are not always successful.  I avoid being one of those it does not work for by simply putting off even trying.  Yet, the probability an implant will be successful is in the 80-90% range.  Darn good odds, yet my ego wants perfection.  

The clear thought that gathered last night at the concert was simply accomplishing anything is a series of starts and stops, tiny steps of small successes and little failures that when strung together consistently lead to achievement.  In regards to matters outside myself like work, I don’t seem to have an issue getting things done; even knowing they will not be perfect.  Professionally I know accomplishment comes from sorting out what needs to be done, creating a plan to achieve it, implementing the plan and amending is as needed until the achievement is made.  And if the plan becomes unworkable:  stop, reassess, find new direction and begin again. 

The little beam of thought last evening readied me teach my ego this morning.  On line I found the word “perfection” derives from “perficio” and means “to finish or to bring to an end”.  So “perfect” literally means “finished”.  Aristotle wrote “perfect” meant “complete” or “nothing to add or subtract”.  How interesting that a random thought at a great concert would cause me to see perfection as simply finishing what is begun and NOT about completion without flaws.  

No excuses, its time to lose weight and get in shape.  I don’t have to be perfect; I just have to finish what I start regardless of the precise outcome.  I can do that.  

Have no fear of perfection – you’ll never achieve it.  Salvador Dali

“If I jog, I’ll be a much better person.” “If I had a nicer house, I’d be a better person.” “If I could meditate and calm down, I’d be a better person.” Or the scenario may be that we find fault with others. We might say, “If it weren’t for my husband, I’d have a perfect marriage.” “If it weren’t for the fact that my boss and I can’t get on, my job would be just great.” (From Comfortable with Uncertainty: 108 Teachings by Pema Chodron)

For much of my life I played life roulette loading my “gun” with “bullets” like the ones mentioned in the previous paragraph.  Over and over I “shot” myself and those around me with similar thinking.  It took a long time to discover trying to find self-worth outside of me was an absolute waste of time.

Growing up poor, I thought money was the answer to a fulfilling life.  I believed it to the point that my drive to have financial success exceeded my desire for most anything else for a long while.  It was not easy, but I achieved the monetary status I sought.  What I found was life was not better and had actually gotten worse in some ways.  Not only did I now have to manage what I had created, I injured myself and those I cared about with my relentless pursuit of money.  It is clear to me now that in some ways I simply forgot to live my life.  I gave it up for a buck instead.

In my relationships with women, I was always searching and questioning.  My mind was rarely still and spun with quizzical ideas.   “Is this the one?”  “Is there someone better for me?”  “Would I be better off single?”  “Am I happiest being married?”  “What about her?”  Always looking for someone to fill the emptiness I felt inside.  My analytical mind crunched and munched “what if’s” looking for that one key person who could bring me happiness.  I was unable to see the barriers to my happiness were inside me.

My external life was good.  I had money.  I was loved.  I was healthy.  I had a loving family.  I had a great job.  I had friends.  But I was unhappy because I had yet to take a good, long and steady look in the mirror.

The Face in the Glass by Dale Wimbrow

When you get what you want in your struggle for self
And the world makes you king for a day,
Just go to a mirror and look at yourself
And see what THAT face has to say.

For it isn’t your father or mother or spouse
Whose judgment upon you must pass;
The person whose verdict counts most in your life
Is the one staring back from the glass.

Some people might think you are a straight-shootin’ chum
And call you a wonderful guy or gal,
But the face in the glass says you’re only a bum
If you can’t look it straight in the eye.
That’s the one you must please, never mind all the rest,
For that’s the one with you clear up to the end.
And you know you have passed your most dangerous test
If the face in the glass is your friend.
You may fool the whole world down the pathway of life
And get pats on your back as you pass,
But your final reward will be heartache and tears
If you’ve cheated the face in the glass.

Once I began to look inward it took a long while to find my balance and footing.  There were many fitful starts and stops with little progress made.  In my ignorance I hurt people I cared about.  Daily meditation offered some solace from what was raging inside me, but only in the sense that “holding one’s breath prevents inhaling something bad”.  That’s only effective for very short periods of time. Reading brought me intellectual understanding of my psychology but not how to be a “physician who could heal thyself”.  I searched.  I pondered.  I sought.  I explored.  I examined.  I investigated.  I hunted.  I pursued.  Yet my quest did little to sate the restlessness and lack of contentment within.

In time I discovered through trial, error and painful mistakes, I had been chasing “other-esteem”.  What I was lacking was sufficient “self-esteem”.  My discovery had to come the hard way.  There was no other method for one who was so adept at outwardly projecting a far different person from the true one on the inside.  The awful years of agonizing with this discovery and finding new direction were difficult to bear, but necessary.  Today I am much improved at letting what is inside match what is apparent on the outside.  No longer do I fear the deep emotions that reside within, nor do I worry much about expressing them.   I hope my openness here shows that.

No, I did not suddenly “get it” and become well-practiced at being who I really am.  Rather, step by step, day by day my skill at being me improves.  So does my level of contentment and happiness.  In order to be grateful for my sense of well-being today, I have to give thanks for the troubles and heartaches that were the catalysts to awaken me.  For so long I did not understand when spiritual practices of all sorts proclaimed troubles and burdens are the greatest teachers.  I “get it” now and today have much gratefulness for every misstep and trial that helped bring me here.

The most terrifying thing is
to accept one’s self completely. 
Carl Gustav Jung

My friends have heard me at one time or another make reference to the 20’s being the time of having a “learner’s permit for adulthood” and a period when we change and evolve possibly more than any other time of life.  Feedback from yesterday’s blog where I included that thought led me to go google’ing for what science had to say about the stages of life and human development. 

What I found was psychologists have seriously studied developmental life stages for close to a hundred years dating back to Freud. The first listing I came across was:

Infancy (birth to 2 years)
(Childhood (3-12 years)
Adolescence (13-19 years)
Young adulthood (20-29 years)
Adulthood (30-39 years)
Middle Age (40-54 years)
Old age (55+ years) 

Crap!  Immediately I did not like that list as it placed me in a category I do not see myself in.  Then I did what any red-blooded American does.  If I don’t like the answer I get, I go looking for a different answer!  Upon searching more the discovery was made (thankfully) that the initial life stages list found is considered out of date.  Advancement in longevity made it antiquated.  Whew!  Good! I was not ready to be in the “Old Age” category quite yet. 

The list of basic human development stages most widely accepted today was created by Erik Erikson (1902-1994) who also coined the phrase “identity crisis”.  His list of developmental stages most accepted today are: 

Infancy (birth to 18 months)
Early Childhood (2 to 3 years)
Preschool (3 to 5 years)
School Age (6 to 11 years)
Adolescence (12 to 18 years)
Young Adulthood (19 to 40 years)
Middle Adulthood (40 to 65 years)
Maturity (65 to death) 

Finding this list quenched my thirst for a different answer and I am relieved to know that I am now in “Middle Adulthood”.  Even the definition of this stage is pleasing to me:  Adults need to create or nurture things that will outlast them, often by having children or creating a positive change that benefits other people. Success leads to feelings of usefulness and accomplishment, while failure results in shallow involvement in the world.  “Middle Adulthood” is a much better description of where I currently am than the “Old Age” label. 

On Erikson’s scale “Middle Adulthood” is further described as a time of “Generativity vs. Stagnation”.   I had to look up “Generativity” and discovered it is a widely accepted term created by Erikson meaning the ability or power to generate or produce something.   So it makes sense that “Middle Adulthood” is considered to be a time of work and parenthood.  Those 40-65 years are described as a time of:  concern for establishing and guiding the next generation. It can be expressed in literally hundreds of ways, from raising a child to stopping a tradition of abuse, from writing a family history to restoring land. You try to “make a difference” with your life, to “give back,” to “take care” of your community and your planet. 

OK.  I like that.  I am in my “Middle Adulthood” which is about generating and producing at a time of wanting to give back, make a difference and work to right previous wrongs.  Cool!  Now I am grateful and excited to be in my 50’s. 

A footnote to my reference to younger years in the 20’s being a time of learning through trial and error is reinforced by Erikson’s developmental stages.  In his list the teen years into the 30’s is a time to learn about creating successful relationships through periods of “Identity vs. Role Confusion” and “Intimacy vs. Isolation”.  Ah Ha!  That explains a lot.  Now I understand I am just a late bloomer! 

How old would you be if you didn’t know how old you were?  Satchel Paige