What really matters

Twelve of Forty

/ James Browning

tiny buddha

For close to three years www.tinybuddha.com has been a website I visit a few times each month. I never fail to find reading that causes me to think, be inspired or gain insight. Over a million other people visit on a regular basis.

A post from about a year ago titled “40 Ways To Feel More Alive” was the blog that caught my attention this morning. For sake of brevity, I when down the list until I had picked about a dozen ‘good ones’ to share.

* Tell someone how you really feel about them instead of waiting because you’re scared.

* Tell someone what you really want and need instead of building up resentment.

* Share your fears publicly, in a blog post for example, and ask the community to keep you accountable in overcoming them.

* Tell a friend your greatest dream, then ask them to hold you accountable in pursuing it.

* Admit to a friend how you really feel about how you spend your time—then brainstorm about ways to improve it.

* Introduce yourself to someone you’ve been dying to meet, even if you feel nervous.

* Tell yourself the truth instead of lying to yourself about the changes you want to
make in your life.

* Sign up for a class to learn a skill you’ve always thought would be fun.

* Ask a friend to teach you to do something you don’t know how to do—and offer to teach them something else in return.

* Buy a new or used instrument and look on for instructional videos on YouTube.

* Make a list of fun “staycation” ideas (for day trips in your area). Schedule at least two of them for the next month.

* Enlist a friend to help you face it fear, whether it’s quitting your job or skydiving.

To say I will do all twelve would be a certain example of over promise and under deliver. However, I do have four favorites I will put into practice by year’s end. My gratitude goes to the writer of the piece, Lori Deschene, for the insightful list of forty ways to feel more alive. Good stuff, Mam! I felt better just reading it! Full article at http://tinybuddha.com/blog/40-ways-to-feel-more-alive/

I don’t believe people are
looking for the meaning of life
as much as they are looking
for the experience of being alive.
Joseph Campbell

Rare and Prescious

/ James Browning

forever-love-to-him-Favim_com-446327Good Morning Gratitu…

Borrowed from a post at http://www.rachaellay.com/blog/page/2/

I am Rachael Lay, and I am a whole-hearted believer in love. Self love, shared love and HOT love!

I do my core values at the start of every year, and at the top of the list is always the same core value: LOVE

I believe that when we return to love, anything is possible, and we can know ourselves and others with an intimacy that provides the strongest of life’s foundations.

I am a big believer in perseverance. I feel strongly about making the effort, about fighting for love, and moving away from the disposable thinking that too many people have about their marriage or partnership.

I believe my stand on these things comes from not only being a child from a family of multiple divorces and the chaos that followed, but also from having been divorced myself and then fighting for my next relationship, to get it to the amazing place it is today.

Love can be hard work, and a marriage or long-term relationship can be even tougher.

Melding your life with another person’s can be fraught with challenges, and yet it’s what so many of us yearn to do, and go out of our way to make happen.

We want love, we want to get coupled up, we want to have that person in our lives who we adore, who adores us, and who we can live happily ever after with.

Except it doesn’t always go that way.

Every day I work with people who feel like the dream has ended. They feel hurt, stuck, frustrated, out of love and ready to walk away. All the love they started out with seems to have faded, life has got in the way, and it’s usually only a last-ditch effort that brings them to me, to see if their relationship is worth saving.

Most of the time it is.
————————————————————————————————————–
Oh to know then what I know now and I might have not given up so easy on love in the past. But I promise the sky above, the Earth below and God’s wisdom in all things; given the change again I will fight and persevere for love. Gratefully I have learned how rare and precious it is.

As long as you faithfully love
and respect me
as your partner, lover, and friend…
I will always be there for you…
through good times and bad…
I will do everything I can
to help you have the life you’ve dreamed of.
I will love you above all others
until my last breath
and even afterward if God allows it.
James Browning

Know When to Hold ‘Em

/ James Browning

IMG_1371

St. Thomas is a pretty island, but a busy one. Business took me there last week and while I enjoyed the visit after a few days I was ready to leave. The cruise ships spill people upon the island like a stomped on anthill creating a contrary experience to what I prefer. I’m more into laid back, casual, out-of-the-way destinations. However, there was one Virgin Island sexperience I will remember for the rest of my life.

Lester was my driver of the van that was summoned to take me to the airport. I was the only passenger and the morning was foggy and misty. My driver was probably somewhere in his late 60’s or early 70’s. While quiet for the most part he did have a smile that appeared genuine and eyes that still had a sparkle for life in them.

About half way to the airport Lester started singing a song at a very low volume that was almost imperceptible. However, here and there were familiar words that I could not place.

So I asked Lester what song he was singing and he replied “Kenny Rogers song called “The Gambler”. He made note that a movie had been made based on the song staring Kenny back when he still looked like Kenny. Then my driver picked up where he left off.

…Every gambler knows
That the secret to survivin’
Is knowin’ what to throw away
And knowin’ what to keep
‘Cause every hand’s a winner
And every hand’s a loser
And the best that you can hope for
Is to die in your sleep”

And when he finished speakin’
He turned back toward the window
Crushed out his cigarette
And faded off to sleep
And somewhere in the darkness
The gambler he broke even
And in his final words
I found an ace that I could keep

When the chorus came around, I joined Lester for a duet as we softly sang together the words I knew from memory.

You’ve got to know when to hold ’em
Know when to fold ’em
Know when to walk away
And know when to run
You never count your money
When you’re sittin’ at the table
There’ll be time enough for countin’
When the dealin’s done

Lester went on to do a rendition of “Coward of the County” that was soft and slow. He finished as we turned into the airport. Never will I forget the gentle soul who drove me to the airport on St. Thomas. I told him so and tipped big. An authentic smile came on his face  and our eyes locked for a moment. He said “take good care” and I responded “you too”. Now close to a week later the gratitude for the simple pleasure a stranger gave me is very much alive within. Thanks Lester. I hope you find “an ace you can keep”.

Maybe gratitude has nothing to do with joy.
Maybe being grateful means recognizing
what you have for what it is.
Appreciating small victories.
Admiring the struggle it takes simply to be human.
Maybe we’re thankful for the familiar things we know.
And maybe we’re thankful for the things we’ll never know.
At the end of the day, the fact that we have the courage
to still be standing is reason enough to celebrate.
Meredith Grey

Six Dreams

/ James Browning

I dreamed six dreams, but I don’t remember them in words to express. I can share the value of more than a thousand words for each dream captured by showing you the photographs below. The musings in my mind between conscious and unconscious are more like feelings than aspirations… more like hope than expectations. Look into the images and see what dreams you find…
one Stunning-Backgrounds-Wallpapers-5

three Cancun_Stunning-landscape_3232

five 1920-1200-59876

seven ff80808141cad87b0141f1f0eb3d0689

four stunning_landscapes_40

six forever-love-9360392-500-356

Dreams of the countryside at dawn, the beach in the daytime, the ocean at night, a small quaint house, the mountains and of forever love. Everything begins in a dream that springs from hope, faith and imagination. Life is just about as beautiful and filled with wonder as I can conceive of it to be. There is as much to be grateful for when I pay attention.

Life is full of beauty. Notice it.
Notice the bumble bee, the small child,
and the smiling faces. Smell the rain,
and feel the wind.
Live your life to the fullest potential,
and fight for your dreams.
Ashley Smith

Believe In Love More Today

/ James Browning

I was in love with love before I knew what it was. When one lives with lack of affection as I did as a young child, the yearning to fill that hole starts early and never completely leaves. Even understanding today what went on when I was a kid placed an unnecessary deep need within does not diminish my desire to be loved and appreciated. That’s ironic because love is also fairly scary for me.

In regards to love I frequently have not known exactly what to do or say, but always have wanted to do it to perfection. Without a stutter or hesitation has been how I have desired to express my truest feelings, yet hesitated and had great difficulty successfully following through on my intention. Or else I go too far and gush forth with such expression of feeling the object of my affection does not what to do with it all. I’m great with family and friends, but in a romantic relationship I always feel like I am thirteen years old again; an unsure, stumbling boy. And that is the charm of it all; I am still excited about the possibilities of love.

Even today I am not tired of love as so many in middle age seem to be. “Been there, done that” is the attitude I hear often from singles in my peer group. The “put downs” of the opposite gender are often spoken by such people frequently as a cover for their bad choices. I have made no shortage of wrong turns. BUT till my last dying breath I will never adopt such a ‘down on love’ attitude.  I’ve made my mistakes, but believe in love more today than I ever have.

From one of many of the books I have accumulated on love comes the following advice:

What does the one you love really want from you? The answer is “you”. So that’s what you ought to give. “You”, in your own style and own words. Don’t try to write like a poet, unless that’s what you really want to do. The point is, you don’t have to write like a poet to say what you want to say, nor is that the standard you will be judged by.

What you will be judged by is feeling, thoughtfulness, enthusiasm and, most of all, sincerity. Could any poet convey those qualities to the one you love better than you? Not Shakespeare himself!

Letting go of your inhibitions will add immeasurably to the enthusiasm that you feel and transmit. And in communication, enthusiasm is as contagious as it is credible. The real you, and the assurance that you love him or her in your own way, in your own words. That’s what he or she wants to hear and see from you. Nothing more, nothing less.

Remember too, you are writing to only one person who is not going to judge you like an English teacher, because that person is your most understanding friend and is interested in one thing: to know how you feel about her or him, in your own words.

How can you lose? Your audience is totally on your side, and all it wants is what you and you alone are capable of delivering. An honest expression of your love that will be as individual as your fingerprint. From “You Don’t Have To Be A Poet To Put Your Love Into Words” by James D. Donovan

With great gratitude I say, “I am deeply grateful for the ability to love and can be loved”. My openness for love is a gift that goes against the grain of age. I am thankful for that.

In the one we love, we find our second self.
Love is the beauty of the soul.
To love abundantly is to live abundantly,
to love forever is to live forever.
There is exquisite beauty in the heart that cares and loves.
Love believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.
Unknown

First posted here on October 17, 2012

13 Things Mentally Strong People Don’t Do

/ James Browning

mountain roadMentally strong people have healthy habits. They manage their emotions, thoughts, and behaviors in ways that set them up for success in life. Check out these things that mentally strong people don’t do so that you too can become more mentally strong.

Text of article removed by request by original author. Go to link below to view.

Taken from an article by Amy Morin http://www.lifehack.org/articles/communication/13-things-mentally-strong-people-dont.html

I am grateful for the reminder to practice what I already know. It is not the knowing that matters. It’s the doing!

I have a simple philosophy:
Fill what’s empty.
Empty what’s full.
Scratch where it itches.
Alice Roosevelt Longworth

The Pain to Stay the Same

/ James Browning

image015

More than usual this week I have been experiencing a feeling of gratitude for the quality of my life today. In looking over my shoulder I can see what appears now to be a somewhat straight line path that brought me from where I was to where I am. However, from where true change began to present day the path I walked was much different. It actually zigzagged all over with a greatly varied pace containing many stops, starts, successes and failures.

The beginning: “When the pain to stay the same exceeds the pain to change, you change.”

The first time I saw those fourteen words was on a bulletin board. They have been burned into my psyche ever since. The initial glimpse was at the time when realizing I could not read or learn myself into life changes through applying my intellect. I had to do the emotional work and face what I had long avoided.

Lobsters grow by molting, or shedding their shells. When its shell has been shed the lobster spends time under a rock or in a crevice while growing a new shell. During that time the lobster is vulnerable without the protection of its old hard shell.

The process of “change” caused me to feel a lot like a lobster. For a while it had been evident to me I was stuck inside a hard shell that resulted from childhood abandonment and abuse. It was stifling me. I needed to shed the old casing and grow a new one. I had to be vulnerable in order to change. Yet, doing what I needed to do felt impossible at the time. I could not muster the courage to “jump in and do it”, but knew not changing meant I would continue to suffocate in my old shell.

Did I muster the courage to shed the safety of my old hard outer armor plate and jump into the sea of change? No! I wish I could say I became brave enough to do that. Instead life events came along and left me only with drown or swim options. My old shell was shattered and stripped away and then “the pain to stay the same exceeded the pain to change”.

Pain and discontent was stage one of my growth and change. Suddenly I saw myself more clearly and could view my past at least with some accurately. As if being slugged, the force of it crushed my shell and figuratively “knocked the wind out of me emotionally”. Getting knocked down and broken open was step #1.

Admitting I had problems was stage two of my growth and change. There had to be an end to my running away. I had no choice but to let the issues take me over. Opening up and allowing myself to feel the full force of what I had so long avoided was what I needed. Accepting my issues was step #2.

Realizing I needed help was stage three of my growth and change. One of the effects of childhood trauma can be to become an overly self-reliant and a seemingly needless adult. I became quite good at denying my own needs. Seeking outside aid was rarely an allowed possibility. Accepting that I needed help was step #3.

Doing the work was stage four of my growth and change. Being one who wants to begin today and have everything accomplished tomorrow, this step was difficult. Coming to grips with my dysfunction took lots of time. Gaining the upper hand on it took much longer and now spans years. Putting in the time and making a long-term effort was step #4.

The realization I was getting better was stage five of my growth and change. At first it seemed as if nothing was changing, but over time I began to feel a little different. Life began to taste better. The better I got, the more I wanted. Working past setback and disappointment without completely losing my momentum became a key for me. Realizing I could heal was step #5.

Real change takes a long time. Clinical perspective says real personal change takes at least three years to be fully implemented. That is why small changes I made and continued to repeat over a long period of time have yielded a positive impact. On my path there has been an abundance of stubbornness and hanging on to the past combined with emotional dread and frightful depression at times. What began with “baby steps” and became one step at a time, one day at a time has now several years later brought me to much better mental and spiritual health. There is joy for living I have not known before.

I am not fixed and will never be completely. The scars will always remain, but I am better and continuing to improve. To even try to express the quantity of thankfulness I have for my life today would be completely futile. I am grateful to a power greater than me for the inspiration and to every person who has helped me along the way.

Change is not made without inconvenience,
even from worse to better.
Richard Hooker

First posted on August 26, 2011

The Only Life You Could Save

/ James Browning

One of the type phrases I have worked diligently to eliminate are statements like “she made me angry…”, “he made me feel bad…”, “they caused me to feel self-conscious.” and any other assertion that pushed the majority of my mood or state of mind off on someone else.  Certainly what others do, affects me.  Being long shy of perfection, the actions and words of others do get to me, but far from how the once did.

If I could soak up only the good effects that come from praise, positive acknowledgement or expressions of caring and love, that would be wonderful.  I am glad to be “made” by others to feel such things and choose to be effected by them.  However, the tendency is to reflect away the pleasant to some degree and soak up the negative to a point beyond what was said or done.  It is a human condition that dates back to living in the wild when acute awareness of what was bad, wrong or dangerous kept one alive.  That sensing ability is not without benefit today, but I would be better if about 90% of that sense left me.

I know the effect on me of another’s actions or words is in vast majority my choice.  No one makes me feel ANYTHING unless I give my permission.  No longer does that old dodge for my feelings and reactions work well for me.  Once the truth is known, it is quite difficult to delude one’s self any more.

“THE JOURNEY” by American poet Mary Oliver

One day you finally knew
what you had to do, and began,
though the voices around you
kept shouting
their bad advice—
though the whole house
began to tremble
and you felt the old tug
at your ankles.
“Mend my life!”
each voice cried.
But you didn’t stop.
You knew what you had to do,
though the wind pried
with its stiff fingers
at the very foundations,
though their melancholy
was terrible.
It was already late
enough, and a wild night,
and the road full of fallen
branches and stones.
But little by little,
as you left their voices behind,
the stars began to burn
through the sheets of clouds,
and there was a new voice
which you slowly
recognized as your own,
that kept you company
as you strode deeper and deeper
into the world,
determined to do
the only that you could do—
determined to save
the only life you could save.

These days I am focused on saving and shaping the one life I have control over: MINE!  In the doing of it there has been a discovery I actually can change others indirectly.  As time passes others notice my genuine growth and peace of mind and end up wanting some of what I have.  It is a path I can instruct others about.  The best I can do is illustrate what I have learned through my actions and thereby teach by example.

Once upon a time “I walked mostly in the dark of ignorance”, but now make my way largely “in the light of knowledge” learned the hard way (at least the majority of the time!).  To be grateful for the person I am today, gratitude must be genuine for every trial and problem faced.  Those challenges, especially the ones I could not imagine how I was going to live through initially have brought my most profound teachings.

Don’t settle for comfort.
Don’t ignore the emptiness.
Seek love.
KatieP – http://head-heart-health.com/

First posted on March 26, 2012

8 Easy Steps

/ James Browning

happy

Excerps from a deeply touching Huffington Post article published a few weeks ago, “How to Get Flat Abs, Have Amazing Sex and Rule the World in 8 Easy Steps” by Kate Bartolotta

Setting aside our first-world problems and pettiness, if you are online reading this, you have both electricity and WiFi or access to them. Odds are you are in a shelter of some sort, or on a smart phone (and then kudos to you for reading this on the go). Life might bump and bruise us, it may not always go the way we plan and I know I get frustrated with mine, but here’s the thing: You are alive. Because you are alive, everything is possible…

1. Stop believing your b#llsh!t. All that stuff you tell yourself about how you are a commitment phobe or a coward or lazy or not creative or unlucky? Stop it. It’s b#llsh!t, and deep down you know it. We are all insecure 14 year olds at heart. We’re all scared. Let it go. Be who you are beneath the b#llsh!t.

2. Be happy now. Not because The Secret says so. Not because of some shiny happy Oprah crap. But because we can choose to appreciate what is in our lives instead of being angry or regretful about what we lack. It’s a small, significant shift in perspective. We can choose to let the beautiful parts set the tone.

3. Look at the stars. It won’t fix the economy. It won’t stop wars. It won’t give you flat abs, or better sex or even help you figure out your relationship and what you want to do with your life. But it’s important. It helps you remember that you and your problems are both infinitesimally small and conversely, that you are a piece of an amazing and vast universe. …it helps.

4. Let people in. Truly. Tell people that you trust when you need help, or you’re depressed — or you’re happy and you want to share it with them. Acknowledge that you care about them and let yourself feel it. Instead of doing that other thing we sometimes do, which is to play it cool and pretend we only care as much as the other person has admitted to caring, and only open up half way. Go all in — it’s worth it.

5. Stop with the crazy making. Life is full of obstacles; we don’t need to create extra ones. Don’t take things personally. Most of the time, other people’s choices and attitudes have absolutely nothing to do with you. Unless you’ve been behaving like a jerk, in which case…

6. Learn to apologize. Not the ridiculous, self-deprecating apologizing for who you are and for existing that some people seem to do… The ability to sincerely apologize — without ever interjecting the word “but” — is an essential skill for living around other human beings.

7. Practice gratitude. Practice it out loud to the people around you. Practice it silently when you bless your food. Practice it often. Gratitude is not a first world only virtue. Gratitude is what makes what we have enough. Gratitude is the most basic way to connect with that sense of being an integral part of the vastness of the universe…

8. Be kind. Kindness costs us nothing and pays exponential dividends. I can’t save the whole world. I can’t bring peace to Syria. If the biggest thing we do in life is to extend love and kindness to even one other human being, we have changed the world for the better. Full article here: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/kate-bartolotta/happiness-tips_b_3956114.html

Nuff said…. thanks Kate!

The happiest people seem to be
those who have no particular cause
for being happy except that they are so.
William Ralph Inge

Fundamental to Living Well

/ James Browning

TheEverygirl_LivingWell_AccessIntuition

I came across what’s below in an email a friend sent several years ago and found it particularly meaningful. Hope it serves others as well as it did me.

Checklist of 50 Characteristics & Views to Continually Live Better & Better:
1. You are absolutely confident that you can achieve what you desire
2. You believe that things will always work out the way they should
3. You are optimistic about the people around you and opportunities
4. You are loving
5. You are kind
6. You are generous
7. You are trusting and trustworthy
8. You refuse to let the past define or limit your current reality
9. You are easily able to let things go and get over things that bothered or upset you
10. You are open-minded
11. You are flexible
12. You refuse to reflect on all the things that can possibly go wrong
13. You are confident about the future and how it will unfold
14. You are appreciative of the big things…and the small ones too
15. You are thankful
16. You are humble
17. You consistently rely on and trust your good intuition and insights
18. You realize that everything happens for a reason
19. You aim to live and learn from everything around you and all that happens
20. You never lose your cool enough to get out of control
21. You refuse to waste energy on petty issues
22. You never complain
23. You are empathetic
24. You are helpful
25. You don’t brag
26. You always bring positive energy to every situation
27. You know how to control thoughts and ensure they’re positive and constructive
28. You are peaceful
29. You are pleasant
30. You continually choose to feel good regardless of what is going on around you
31. You know how to elevate your mood when necessary and get to a better place
32. You are inspired and inspiring
33. You are motivated
34. You genuinely want the best for other people
35. You have lots of great positive energy
36. You don’t judge others
37. You never gossip
38. You have no need to win an argument or be right
39. You are never really offended by anything or anyone
40. You are patient
41. You are satisfied with the time it takes things to play out
42. You have lots of great relationships
43. You are grateful to be exactly where you are at the current moment
44. You are inquisitive
45. You are understanding
46. You are able to tap into your innate brilliance
47. You are healthy
48. You are in good physical condition
49. You are able to truly enjoy silence
50. You consistently observe and notice things you like and what is working
We currently may not have all of these characteristics and views, but if we are interested in having more and more positive momentum and more positive results appear in our lives, we will work to develop and strengthen each and everyone one of these things. There are certain things that are just fundamental to living well. Original source unknown

Since moving stored knowledge into intention and action, slowly but surely my living experience has consistently gotten better. My forward movement is far from perfect but like a work being sculptured, I am my own chisel and hammer that shapes me and all I perceive about being alive. I am grateful to the person who sent the list to me three years ago and to have rediscovered it this morning.

A man sooner or later discovers
that he is the master-gardener of the soul,
the director of his life.
James Allen