Self Awareness

An Illumination of Words

/ James Browning

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There’s a young author whose work I have come to enjoy and admire. C. Joybell C. may be youthful in years but on a spiritual level she strikes me as a “wise old soul’. Her writing covers a myriad of topics, but centers on life and love more than anything else.

The two paragraphs just below were selected because I have a heart that has been broken many times. Some times a woman hurt me. At others I did things that ended up hurting me. A broken heart feels the same no matter who the villain is.

I have met so many heartbroken men. It’s a catastrophe. Women are easily overcome by the process that happens when a boy falls in love and becomes a man. Men’s hearts are so often broken. Still, you have to leave your broken heart in a place where… when the woman who knows how to see what a gift is, sees it… your broken heart can be picked up again. I think that it takes a very strong woman (inner strength) to be able to handle a man falling in love with her, without morphing into a monster (the process is a very potent process, it can poison a woman, really).

A woman thinks she wants a man to fall in love with her for all the perks that come with it; but when a real love really does happen, when a real man shows his manhood; it’s often too powerful a thing to endure without being poisoned. Hence, all the heartbroken men. But, I do believe that there are strong women in the world today. A few. But there are. You could say, that the mark of a real woman, is a woman who can handle a man… a man falling in love with her. A woman who can recognize that, and keep it with her. C. Joybell C.

Too much life energy gets spent on trying to sort out where I’m headed. More and more I am learning to just sit back and enjoy the flight.

I have come to accept the feeling of not knowing where I am going. And I have trained myself to love it. Because it is only when we are suspended in mid-air with no landing in sight, that we force our wings to unravel and alas begin our flight. And as we fly, we still may not know where we are going to. But the miracle is in the unfolding of the wings. You may not know where you’re going, but you know that so long as you spread your wings, the winds will carry you. C. Joybell C.

“All Things Lit Like Fireflies: An Illumination of Words” is C. Joybell C.’s new book and I am looking forward to getting a copy soon. She has a special way of expressing feelings that speaks strongly to me. Thanks ‘My Lady’… I am grateful for you and your work! http://cjoybellc.com/

I think that we are like stars.
Something happens to burst us open;
but when we burst open and think we are dying;
we’re actually turning into a supernova. A
nd then when we look at ourselves again,
we see that we’re suddenly more beautiful
than we ever were before!
C. JoyBell C.

Promises, Promises

/ James Browning

promises ave and realiry way

A promise kept is a healthy, living thing. A broken promise lives in the land of the dead.

Wikipedia explains a “promise” to be: commitment by someone to do or not do something. As a noun promise means a declaration assuring that one will or will not do something. As a verb it means to commit oneself by a promise to do or give.

Unfortunately I learned about promises as a child from parents and adults who made them easily and broke them with even less thought. The flimsy guarantees behind what the grownups pledged taught me it was ‘normal’ to make and break my word in romantic relationships.

Is this what sadness is all about? Is it what comes over us when beautiful memories shatter in hindsight because the remembered happiness fed not just on actual circumstances but on a promise that was not kept? Bernhard Schlink

After I point I can’t blame childhood caregivers at all. It’s my belief we can only hold our parents responsible into our 20’s at the latest for bad habits and behaviors they taught us by example. After that age being an ‘adult trainee’ should be over and the fiber of one’s character should become choice rather than conditioning. I was a slow learner.

Some of my usual behavior looks to be anything but admirable in hindsight. It took time, but the difference between habit and what is honorable slowly came into focus. My childhood conditioning fostered many of my typical practices that were in fact dysfunctional. Just because I do something with regularity does not make it good. A habit is just a habit.

As a fully grown man, cultivating healthy habits and behaviors was not an easy process. It was a bit like preparing overgrown land for growing crops. First what is already growing had to be cut back or removed. The rocks and roots had to be cleared from the soil before successful planting. Likewise, my first task was recognizing the unwanted and unhealthy tendencies that had grown with in me. Afterwards the clearing out of “rocks and roots” could begin. Only when those two steps were practiced could I successfully plant and nurture new ways of behaving.

Words can be twisted into any shape. Promises can be made to lull the heart and seduce the soul. In the final analysis, words mean nothing. They are labels we give things in an effort to wrap our puny little brains around their underlying natures, when ninety-nine percent of the time the totality of the reality is an entirely different beast. The wisest man is the silent one. Examine his actions. Judge him by them. Karen Marie Moning

On my left upper arm is a tribal tattoo that means “honor”. At the time it was created I did not yet fully deserve it. It was something for me to grow into. While imperfect, today I endeavor every day to deserve the symbol permanently etched on my arm. I’m grateful for each bump in the road that taught me, every peer in recovery who listened without judgment and to my Higher Power who has made possible that which I could not do alone.

I  know it is a bad thing to break a promise,
but I think now that it is a worse thing
to let a promise break you.
Jennifer Donnelly

The Ultimate Virtue

/ James Browning

11b

Wanting to love someone is not the same as loving someone.
Knowledge of how to build something will not build anything.
Needing to get in better shape does not make me healthier.
Aspiring to make a difference does not make a difference.
Wishing to be kinder does not make me more kind.
Knowing what is right is not doing what is right.
Realizing what I should do is not the doing of it.
Craving a relationship does not put me in one.
Desiring to apologize is not an apology.
Yearning to finish a book is not writing.
Wanting to travel is not traveling.
Longing for love is not love.

Knowing is a small thing.
Using what I know is a big thing.

Almost two hundred years after he lived Johan Wolfgang von Goethe is remembered as many things: poet, playwright, dramatist, novelist, scientist. But it’s what the man left behind as a philosopher that has taken root within. Sometimes when I kind of lose my way, I frequently find something ‘good ole Wolfgang’ wrote will nudge me out of “thinking” and into “doing”. Here are four examples:

Doubt can only be removed by action.

As soon as you trust yourself, you will know how to live.

Knowing is not enough; we must apply. Willing is not enough; we must do.

Thinking is easy, acting is difficult, and to put one’s thoughts into action is the most difficult thing in the world.

With the gift of lots of time on my hands it’s not easy some days to direct myself toward something, even if my desired ‘something’ is screwing off. That too can be done well. Wasting time is not performed to its full potential if the voice inside is saying I should get busy being productive. Today I make the commitment to ‘screw off and waste time’ to my fullest potential. I smiled as I typed that because I am humbly grateful for a Tuesday that is mine, all mine.

Knowledge without application
is simply knowledge.
Applying the knowledge
to one’s life is wisdom,
and that is the ultimate virtue.
Kasi Kaye Ilopouloa

To Better Practice What I Already Know – Part Two

/ James Browning

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Tomorrow Part Two of Ms. Marshall’s “Twenty Six Ways To Love Life

Eight months ago my post here ended with those words. It was my intention was for a back to back ‘two-part’er’ but the second installment got lost on my hard drive and was never posted. Albeit late, I am making good on posting the remaining half.

14.Travel. Explore different places. If you can’t afford to fly, drive. You don’t have to go far. just go. Learn how to travel on a budget and go twice as much.
15. Celebrate Mondays. Mondays are 1/7 of your life. Do something special on Mondays so they feel like Fridays. Notice the attitude you have on Friday compared to Monday. How can you make Mondays special.
16. Volunteer. This will add to your mental and emotional health. It’s a feeling money can’t buy. Do your part to make the world a better place.
17. Play. Balance life with play. Play cards. Play with children. Play outside. Play games. Play for fun. Play to improve yourself.
18. Live in the present moment. When we are anxious we are either living in the pain of the past or the fear of the future. Learn to take one moment at a time. Live in the present.
19. Respect elderly people. Spend time with them. They are worthy and wise. You will be old someday yourself.
20. Read. You can learn something new everyday. Never stop learning. Never stop growing.
21. Breathe. Learn to breathe properly. Breathe deeply and often. It will decrease your tension and anxiety.
22. Be patient. Learn to wait patiently. We spend between 3-5 years of our life waiting in line. Learn to be patient with others. We don’t all grow at the same pace. Learn to be patient with your children, it is a wonderful gift to give them.
23. Learn to deal with your emotions. It’s a scientific fact that the center for emotional control is not in someone else’s behavior it’s in your brain.
You can talk with a friend, journal or exercise, these are a few methods for dealing with your emotions. Anger covers up pain, pain covers fear. Recognize your feelings, emotions and know how to remain calm in chaos.
24. Take the high road. Know what your values are and live by them. If a cashier gave you an extra five dollars back in change would you give it back?
25. Simplify. List the areas of your life that need to be simplified. Choose one area of your life and begin. Keep it simple.
26. Love. Learn how to express your love to others. Speak loving words and take loving action. Decide to contribute love to the world.
http://theboldlife.com/2009/01/26-ways-to-love-life/

I’m glad items number 14 through 26 came back into my field of consciousness. No time will be spent regretting my forgetfulness that caused close to a year to pass between part one and part two being posted. I have faith that part two was something I needed to read NOW. Several of the items are precisely on target for what I needed to be reminded of this morning.

I am grateful for a rich and rewarding life. It’s sometimes grueling, complicated, and agonizingly painful… but my life is ALWAYS good even at its most difficult.

Always be fearless. Walk like lion,
talk like pigeons, live like elephants
and love like an infant child.
Santosh Kalwar

As Simple and Difficult As That

/ James Browning

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A Search…
People spend a lifetime searching for happiness; looking for peace. They chase idle dreams, addictions, religions, even other people, hoping to fill the emptiness that plagues them. The irony is the only place they ever needed to search was within. Romana L. Anderson

A Hope…
Everyone has a moment in history which belongs particularly to him. It is the moment when his emotions achieve their most powerful sway over him, and afterward when you say to this person “the world today” or “life” or “reality” he will assume that you mean this moment, even if it is fifty years past. The world, through his unleashed emotions, imprinted itself upon him, and he carries the stamp of that passing moment forever. John Knowles

A Path…
One of the reasons why we crave love, and seek it so desperately, is that love is the only cure for loneliness, and shame, and sorrow. But some feelings sink so deep into the heart that only loneliness can help you find them again. Some truths about yourself are so painful that only shame can help you live with them. And some things are just so sad that only your soul can do the crying for you. Gregory David Roberts

A Gift…
She talked about wanting to be a part of something, wanting to be desired, to be ‘special’, craving to be loved. She talked about experiencing the kind of loneliness so immense it could swallow you up. She called it ‘loneliness that crowds couldn’t cure’. Cupcake Brown

This morning thumbing through quotes for inspiration, I found four that connected so well they spoke what I was wanting to say when I connected them. (Search) The hunt to be more fully connected to my truest self, (Hope) the desire to live more completely in the moment, (Path) the aspiration to feel the full breadth and scope of my emotions and (Gift) the dream of letting romantic love into my heart again.

An architect creates a plan to guide the builder. The builder uses the plan to direct construction. The foreman focuses the labor. And the title-holder receives the benefit. For my life, I am all four: Architect, Builder, Laborer and Title Holder. Only by taking ownership of all four and believing in the guidance of something bigger than me can my needs, hopes and dreams find reality. Create, build, work and believe. It’s as simple and difficult as that.

We dream to give ourselves hope.
To stop dreaming – well, that’s like
saying you can never change your fate.
From “The Hundred Secret Senses”
by Amy Tan

Because a Friend Asked

/ James Browning

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This morning a person I attend a ‘Codependents Anonymous” group with asked me a question that inferred that codependence was never a good thing. Her questioning made me step back and think a little before I responded. What came were a few thoughts that reminded me mutual codependency can be very healthy, and often is.

It’s true the word “codependent” has been batted around and over-used to the point it has a mostly negative connotation. This is especially notable in relationships where at least one member is in recovery. However, that is not what the word really means in its full context.

When added to a word “co” means “together, jointly, mutually, to the same extent or degree”. “Dependent” means “the state or quality of being influenced another, relying on another”. Put the two together and you get something like “mutually relying on each other at about same extent or degree”.

The last of that stated meaning is the most important part. The relationship should be roughly “equal” and not one-sided. Otherwise a person gives more that he or she gets back resulting in an unbalanced and unhealthy relationship.

Codependence is not always a negative thing. It becomes so when the relationship with a person, place or thing controls the giver to the point of damaging their life. A loving relationship with a true friend is a good example of a positive codependent relationship. A good marriage, boss/worker relationship, mother/child relationship and so on are examples of relationships that can be balanced and healthy. It’s when they get one-sided that dysfunction rears its ugly head. Taken from http://www.webmd.com/sex-relationships/features/signs-of-a-codependent-relationship

Looping back and tying this all together my intent was to take some of the negative light off the word “codependent”. For every example of how negative a one-sided codependent relationship is there is likely a reverse example of a healthy relationship based on mutual codependency.

The importance of writing down these few paragraphs is to remind myself that being codependent with another person is not necessarily a bad thing. It is what each of us do in the relationship that determines if it is healthy or not. I am grateful for the insight that came simply because a friend asked a question. Thank you K.!

It is probably not love
that makes the world go around,
but rather those mutually supportive alliances
through which partners recognize their dependence
on each other for the achievement of shared and private goals.
Fred Allen

image credit: shutterstock.com

It’s Today; Only Now

/ James Browning

you are unique

I don’t want to be anyone else any more;
Trying to find things outside me to stand for.
Being someone else is an exhausting chore;
’causes too much confusion; a mental war.
It’s only “I” that I answer for.
Wishing otherwise time to ignore
Make peace, stop keeping score,
And be who I am at my core.
No more pretend, it’s time to soar.
Less yesterday; the past and before,
Less thought about tomorrow’s shore,
It’s today; only now that I need anymore.
James Browning

My Lost Years

/ James Browning

11b

The piece below is a perspective written generally about being a the late teens or 20-something. Yet, “lost years” can be any age. For many in recovery, what began in those young years became bad habits that matured well into middle age. Some never “recover”.

You’re missing something. You’re watching everything pass you by and it’s making you anxious but you’re not quite sure how to catch up. A small part of you doesn’t even want to catch up. You’ve become comfortable in your complacency, comfortable in your own mistakes. Your slip ups have become some kind of solace. They’re yours to keep. Flaws have become some sick substitute for a relationship and you take them to bed with you.

You’re too young to be completely happy. You’re currently living your lost years and even though it’s taking you down, you’re not ready for the alternative. Something that no one likes to admit is that it sort of feels good to screw up. You don’t think you know exactly what you’re doing? You can pretend to be naive to spare everyone else’s feelings but let’s not get confused: you’re in control here. Every step of the way.

That is, until you’re not. The thing about being a mess is that you eventually do lose control. The self-destructive spiral you’ve been orchestrating gets ripped away from you and put in the hands of something much bigger. Then you’re screwed. Then you’re going to be saying “…Take me back to the land of stability and normalcy! I’m done living my lost years. Now I just would like to be found!”

Your life is precarious. When you were in high school and college, you treated your mortality like it was a crappy purse. You stomped on it, broke a strap, let a vodka bottle spill out and ruin the leather. You did all of this believing it would all be repaired while you were sleeping, and it usually was. You reach a point, however, when the leather stays torn, when the piece of crap bag becomes beaten beyond repair. Simply put, you have to take a more proactive role in maintaining your happiness and well-being. You’re not just someone watching their own life from afar. You’re in it now. And if you don’t take care of it, it will fall to pieces.

This is how someone becomes the person they want to be. They make changes. They stop taking those pills, clutching those drinks, and start deleting those numbers in their phone that might as well be daggers. They take responsibility for themselves. This might sound so minor but something you all must know by now is that we’re often our own worst enemy. We can’t blame something on a lack of self-awareness. We’re all aware, which makes it that much harder when we see ourselves making the same mistakes. We often wonder why we do the things we do. But we already know why. Knowing and doing are two different things though. I know that x, y, and z make me unhappy but I guess, in the end, I just don’t care enough to make changes. You can’t force yourself to care. You need to reach a point where you DO care which can take a long time.

But once you do reach it, there’s no going back. Being a broken mess is a blast at 19 but once you’re old enough to know better and start to make those necessary changes, returning to that state will feel awful. That’s something to actually mourn. There’s a certain kind of beauty with being reckless with your body and mind. Closing the chapter on that and actively becoming the person you’re going to be feels great but it’s also a tad bittersweet. Sometimes you want to go back to being the person you were before all the bad stuff happened, but you know that’s impossible. So you just bid adieu to that time and look towards your future. (FYI, it looks super bright.) By Ryan O’Connell http://thoughtcatalog.com/2012/how-to-become-the-person-you-want-to-be/

When I compare where I am today to just ten years ago it amazes me who much has happened. Old deeply ingrained habits seem distant now and boy, am I grateful. While I never had to fight off substance abuse, my compulsions were still just as damaging, if not to me, certainly to some of those around me. I regret that, but am grateful I am no longer leaving a path filled with regrets.

Never look back unless
you are planning to go that way.
Henry David Thoreau

Tools of Their Tools

/ James Browning

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There’s never enough of the stuff you can’t get enough of.
Patrick H.T. Doyle

There is no memory when I first came across the website, but it became an addiction for a few weeks. Before you jump to a conclusion, let me tell you the site is an on-line auction of estate items in Southern Ohio. I’ve had “auction-fever” before but that was at a series of live antique auctions over a decade ago. Back then the realization arrived that buying for no particular reason except ‘I could’ was not healthy. It was easy then to think the necessary lesson had been well learned. In time that teaching feel dormant and needed waking up.

It was the feeling that I just had to win a particular auction that I noticed and jolted me back to reality of what was learned years earlier. I thought “you have too much stuff already and now you’re buying more. What’s up with that? You’re retiring soon. Shouldn’t you be a little more careful with your money?” The answer was an emphatic “YES”. At least the balance on my credit card stopped at about a thousand dollars!

Henry David Thoreau said “Men have become the tools of their tools…” I can relate. My symptom is similar.

…in affluent societies, where most have more than enough to live well, Thoreau would ask: ‘are the more pressing wants satisfied now?’ The suggestion is that, unlike the wise and prudent primitive societies, we are satisfying less pressing wants (for superfluous comforts, luxuries, and tools) and neglecting what are for us more genuinely pressing wants, such as a flourishing inner life. Thoreau claimed, ‘Most of the luxuries, and many of the so-called comforts of life, are not only not indispensable, but positive hindrances to the elevation of mankind… a man is rich in proportion to the number of things he can afford to let alone’. http://simplicitycollective.com/thoreau/thoreau-on-comforts-luxuries-and-tools

Redemption for my buying spree was the realization that items purchased could be redirected as gifts to friends and family for future birthdays, anniversaries and holidays. Once I decided many of the items and some I already had could be a gift appreciated by loved ones I began to feel better.

All my life I’ve been told I am too hard on myself and I have come to see that is frequently true. The difference now is I don’t beat myself up (as much). Instead when the self-examination begins I start to ask “where is this coming from” and “what can I learn from it”. Answering those questions softens my self-adminstered treatment.

The days are filled with many opportunities to educate myself about how to live a more fulfilled life. While I miss more than I grasp, an awareness of how frequently the chances to learn come is helping me grab onto an ever-increasing share of them. I am grateful for every opportunity to be a better person in my own eyes.

Wealth is not an absolute. It is relative to desire.
Every time we yearn for something we cannot afford,
we grow poorer, whatever our resources.
And every time we feel satisfied with what we have,
we can be counted as rich, however little we may actually possess.
Alain de Botton

What You Stand For

/ James Browning

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Before you speak,
Let your words pass through THREE gates:
At the first gate, ask yourself, ‘Is it TRUE?’
At the second gate ask, ‘Is it NECESSARY?’
At the third gate ask, ‘Is it KIND?’
A Sufi saying

My self-analysis:

“Is it TRUE?” Generally, yes. I am not a liar but am guilty of enhancement from playing up some parts of the story and playing down others. I am not innocent of embellishment either. It’s not an easy thing to step back, see and then admit what one sees. My guilt is sometimes not telling the full truth, but selected parts instead. And admitting that to myself is a healthy thing to do for acceptance is half the battle.

“Is it NECESSARY?” Now I start to get into trouble. An honest self-appraisal tells me quickly I frequently talk too much and listen to little. In expressing myself, I am certain the quantity of words used can be excessive at times. Oh, to be as good of a listener as those who have been patient to listen to me!

“Is it KIND?” It is in my general consideration for others where I am most proud of myself for the three gates. The majority of the time I can answer with a resounding “”yes” that I go out of my way to be kind and thoughtful. It’s not always appreciated, but it is never wasted. I benefit from what I give and it matters little how others receive it.

With the school year ending about now, it begs what my grades for the “three gates” might be.
#1 – “Is it TRUE?” A solid “B” is earned I believe.
#2 – “Is it NECESSARY?” The best grade I can give is a “C”.
#3 – “Is it KIND?” I am pleased an overall “A-” would be accurate.

Not bad and all passing grades. However, I’m grateful my standards for myself are higher. The person who truly tries to do their best, always benefits from the effort. Today, if even in the humblest way, I will do better than yesterday.

How would you grade yourself?

There is nothing better…
than for you to be at your best,
for you to be at your own peace,
for you to be showing them in every way
who you are, and what you stand for.
Steve Maraboli