Wisdom

Not Everyone is Meant to Stay

/ James Browning / 4 Comments

Sometimes you have to give up on people. Everyone that is in your journey is meant to be in your journey, but not everyone is meant to stay there. 
Anonymous

Deep down inside me is a strong wish to have grasped the meaning of that statement long before understanding came.  Previously my long-term theory of living was simply if I love someone, somehow, someway it was going to work out.  Otherwise, why would love have found me if not for an intention of becoming something lasting?  

Such a view was one of a child carried into adult hood; a child not loved enough hidden inside an adult who grabbed at any scrap of affection that came his way.  The need to be adored was irresistible.  It did not matter that what I perceived was not genuine or what another expressed to me was feigned, disposable or temporary.  So eager for love, my heart openly accepted what it identified as affection from whatever source it came.  So hungry to be noticed and appreciated, I became involved with almost any woman who showed interest in me.  

With time I came to know that frequently people love what is not good for them.  An alcoholic loves a drink.  A drug addict loves a fix.  A gambler loves risking every dime.  An adrenaline junky loves the rush of risking life.  And so on it goes when there is emptiness on the inside that one tries to fill from outside the self.  With women I either loved ones too much who were not good for me or else did not love enough those who were.    

In more youthful years I claimed to date ‘crazy bitches’ because they were more fascinating and exciting.  In more mature years now, the realization is clear that ‘like attracts like’.  It was only because I was ‘just as crazy’ that my attraction was so strong to such women.  More thrills and spills than a roller coaster ride , but like any amusement, such extreme relationships eventually got old.  They exhausted me.  

There is this notion within those similar to me who have spent much of their lives feeling “less than” that if we can save another person they will in turn save us. Rarely does it work because such a scenario is an attempt to get esteem from outside one’s self instead of nurturing it internally.  A person then becomes a sort of emotional vampire, always on the hurt to ‘feed” on another’s feelings but sated each time only for a while.  One can only save them self from the inside out and no one else can do the work.  No amount of basking in another’s emotions made me better.  No amount of trying to be a ‘savior of women’ actually saved anyone.  In reality the attempts usually caused me (and those I was involved with) to be worse off emotionally than before we knew each other. 

Once upon a time nothing pleased me for long.  Whatever I achieved seemed hollow quickly.  Whoever I was involved with in time felt too imperfect.  Never was there contentment for long with what was in front of me.  I always either wanted more or continually asked myself if there was more.  More money, more sleep, more success, more sex, more time, more attention, more love.  Enough was never enough. 

My insecurities caused me to attempt to collect love by alway trying to hold on in some way to every woman I was ever involved with.  Whether maintaining some occasional contact, keeping mementos and photos stashed away in a box or keeping thoughts of them alive, I held on.  There was no questioning if this was healthy.  Constantly my ego yelled “you’re not good enough” through a screaming bullhorn in my brain.  The only way to quiet the noise even temporarily was to allow myself to be filled with the thrills of someone new.  

To actually see my own life clearly and become grateful for all that led me to this here and now took aligning myself with some measure of peace and truth. To learn to look at my present circumstances through gentle, kind and loving eyes required years to learn.  Even longer was needed to realize I was living a wonderful destiny that was uniquely mine.  

Peace is loving what is…what exists now in this moment here.  In her book “Loving What Is” Byron Katie wrote the only time we suffer is when we believe a thought that argues with what is. When the mind is perfectly clear, what is, is what we want. If you want reality to be different than it is, you might as well try to teach a cat to bark. You can try and try, and in the end the cat will look up at you and say, “Meow.” Wanting reality to be different than it is, is hopeless. 

So here I am in late middle age with all my flaws, scars, and blemishes but wiser and happier than I have ever been. Getting here took establishing good boundaries for myself and others.  I had to let go of a lot of things and people:  my Mother, two ex-wives, several friends, a handful of ex-lovers and girlfriends, a comfy long-term job, the big house, over half my savings and more.  Only through the letting go was therespace in my life for what I truly needed.  My gratefulness to be in this here and now is beyond my command of written language to express fully.  So I will just say “thank you” with sincere thankfulness. 

No one can give you freedom but you.
Byron Katie

I’ve Learned…

/ James Browning

I’ve learned I can do something that only takes a moment that will give me heartache for years.

I’ve learned being the person I want to be is not automatic and is a lot of work.

I’ve learned to try always part from those I care about with loving words.  It may be the last time I see them.

I’ve learned that I can keep going long after I don’t think I can.

I’ve learned that I am responsible for whatever I do and must bear the consequences.

I’ve learned that either I control my attitude and thoughts or they control me.

I’ve learned that the heroes I look up to most are people who live ordinary, everyday lives very well.

I’ve learned that money is a lousy way of keeping score and it will not make me happy.

I’ve learned that just because a person is a family member does not mean I have to allow them in my life.    

I’ve learned that one of the great gifts in life is having a best friend.

I’ve learned that people will surprise me.  Sometimes the ones I thought would help during a bad time don’t and the ones I thought would kick me when I was down will help me.

I’ve learned that is OK to be angry when I feel anger, but that does not give me the right to be mean or cruel.

I’ve learned that true friendship can continue to grow, even over long distance, with just a little care and attention.  Same is true for love.

I’ve learned that someone can love me even though they don’t want to be with me.

I’ve learned that I can love someone even when I don’t want to be with them.

I’ve learned that maturity is mostly about learning from life experiences and has little to do with the number of birthdays I have had.

I’ve learned the hardest person to be forgiven by is my self.

I’ve learned that no matter how much pain I am in or how deeply my grief may be, the world does not stop for me.

I’ve learned that my childhood may influence who I am, but I am responsible for who I allow myself to be.

I’ve learned that I can’t directly change other people, no matter how much I try or want to.  All I can do is be a good example and hope they might want to follow.

I’ve learned that telling someone’s secret to another in confidence is not keeping the first person’s secret.  

I learned that I can see something that other people see and see it totally differently.

I’ve learned that my life can be changed for the better or worse in a matter of moments.

I’ve learned that I can not make someone love me.  

I’ve learned that trust that took years to build can be destroyed in seconds.

I’ve learned that comparing my self too much to others is a good way to forget who I am.

I’ve learned it is not what happens to me that is most important.  It’s what I do with it that matters.

I’ve learned that forgiving others is more for me than them.

I’ve learned that money is a lousy way of keeping score.

I have learned in a divorce friends choose sides.

I’ve learned smart people do stupid things but that does not make them stupid.

I’ve have learned that falling in love is easy and staying in love is hard.

I’ve learned that there are few things more important than being honest with myself.

Above adapted, amended and interpreted from several lists
found on the Internet along with my own additions.

For all that has happened in my life, good or bad, I am grateful for each honed and shaped me into the man I am today.  I like who I am.  I am happy and glad to be alive.  I am very grateful! 

 “Move On” – Author Unknown

The past is the past for a reason
That is where it is supposed to stay
But some cannot let it go
In their head it eats away

Until all their focus becomes
The person that they used to be
The mistakes they made in their life
Oh if only they could see

That you cannot change what happened
No matter how hard you try
No matter how much you think about it
No matter how much you cry

What happens in your lifetime
Happens for reasons unknown
So you have to let the cards unfold
Let your story be shown

Don’t get wrapped up in the negative
Be happy with what you have been given
Live for today not tomorrow
Get up, get out and start living

Cos the past is the past for a reason
It’s been and now it is gone
So stop trying to think of ways to fix it
It’s done, it’s unchangeable, move on.

The Hard Way

/ James Browning / 1 Comment

The emperor moth is one of the most beautiful species of all the moths. Wings that are wide flap slowly and majestically when it flies.  A lot of growth and change is necessary before the emperor can take its first flight as a full-grown adult.  Much time has to be spent in a cocoon growing and evolving.  Then to emerge into the world the moth must pass through a very narrow opening in its protective covering.  It does this by struggling and squeezing itself slowly through a small hole in the cocoon with a great deal of effort.  

Once upon a time a young man came across the cocoon of a large beautiful emperor moth. He made the decision to take it home so the moth’s coming into the world could be witnessed.  The man waited for a day or two and in his excitement to see the month a decision was made to help it emerge.  He cut a small opening at the bottom of the cocoon and very slowly the moth struggled to force its body through the tiny hole.

It appeared to the young man when only part of the way out, the moth became stuck and stopped making progress.  Although it was just resting, he thought it couldn’t get any further out.  Thinking he was being kind and helpful, the man took scissors and snipped a much bigger hole in the cocoon.  Then it was no problem for the emperor to easily emerge.  It was then the young man noticed the moth’s swollen body with wrinkled and shriveled wings.

Continuing to watch the moth the man hoped that at any moment wings would enlarge and be spread, the body would shrink and a first flight would begin.  Instead the emperor spent the rest of its short life crawling about with its swollen body and shriveled wings.  It never flew.

In his desire to be helpful, the man did not grasp that the struggle for the moth to free itself through the original tiny hole in the cocoon was necessary.  The difficult tussle through a tiny opening was required to force fluid from the moth’s body into its wings so it would be able to fly.

For the moth, flight was only possible after a great struggle. By depriving the moth of the skirmish with the cocoon, with the best of intentions, the man deprived it of a good and productive life. Similarly, people need struggle to grow.  No one can do the work for us.  If life is free of obstacles, a person literally ends up crippled.  

Like most, initially I want to bury my hurt, grief, pain or fear deeply inside whenever challenge comes.  My flight or fight reflex kicks in and my first reaction is to do anything but experience the painful emotions in front of me. However, life has taught that before pain will subside, I have to face and deal with the adversity.  I have to struggle.  It is by moving through the feelings of discouragement, grief or pain allow me the complete range of emotions necessary before the pain will let go.

This has not been an easy lesson to learn.  When younger as struggle arrived the feeling was of something being “done to me”.  I usually played the “why me” game.  With trial and error a discovery was made:  when allowed to feel my emotions fully and openly I learned valuable life lessons.

Through such experiences resilience, strength and wisdom was uncovered.  As tough as life’s lessons have sometimes been, each difficulty struggled with has held the seed of an equal or greater benefit, a pathway to new growth as a human being.  That does always mean I absorbed the teaching the first time or even the second.  It took a while to come to know that what is not learned gets repeated.   Not infrequently I have been handed an equal or more difficult scenario of the same lesson again… and again… until I learned what life is trying to show me.  

It is also evident today that the more difficult the hardship, the more valuable the lesson being taught is. Without passing through the adversity of dysfunction, the adversity of heartbreak, the adversity of financial problems, the adversity of loneliness, of loss, of failure, of separation, of divorce… I would not be the man I am today.   

To be proficient at most anything, a price must first be paid.  Learning the hard way is the only way of paying.  I am grateful to know that little piece of wisdom and for all the lessons life has taught me.

Times of great calamity and confusion have ever been productive of the greatest minds. The purest ore is produced from the hottest furnace, and the brightest thunderbolt is elicited from the darkest storm.
Charles Caleb Colton

1,000 Things You Don’t Know About Women

/ James Browning / 5 Comments

Almost exactly six months ago Esquire magazine published an articled on their website titled “1,000 Things You Don’t Know About Women”.  Last night I stumbled across it while doing some on-line research on another topic.  The description of the article on the website was: “We asked the women in our lives to share their secrets about sex, relationships, and what we’ve been doing wrong (and right) all these years. Four months after our special issue devoted to women — and with continuing help from you on Twitter —  we’ve reached a thousand pieces of wisdom.”

Most of the thousand comments hit me as interesting, even fascinating, certainly educational and at times humorous, while insightful.  I am appreciative of the women who responded so candidly.  Most remarks were reminders of what five decades of paying attention to the opposite sex has taught me, although it was helpful being prompted to practice consistently what I know.  

Some of the comments women were enlightening.  One I will remember always is how to answer the proverbial question:  “Does this dress make me look fat”.

No. 340: If that piece of clothing does indeed make us look fat, simply say, “It’s nice, but you don’t look comfortable in it.” Most of the time, it’s true. —Nicole Lee, 31, San Francisco

Another comment was a cue for men to remember to tell women we love how attractive they are to us, no matter how long we’ve been together.

No. 77: We want you to think we are pretty. Every now and then, when we get all fixed up, act for a minute like we make it hard for you to breathe. — Shannon Purvis, 45, Novato, California

I learned the hard way, that secrets almost always become known eventually and secrets are poison that given time harm or kill a loving relationship.  

No. 592: If you don’t want to tell us something, you probably should. We might find out from someone else, and that won’t be good. — Jenna Alice Loerop, 21, Chicago

Frequently I have tried to understand exactly where a woman I cared about was coming from when all I had to do was pay attention.  On that subject, here is good advice from the Esquire “1,000 Things You Don’t Know About Women”.

No. 518: Sometimes we don’t need you to solve the problem; we just want you to listen. — Nicole Semonis, 22, Encinitas, California

No. 940: Four words that will turn away our wrath: “How can I help?” —Judith Brodnicki, 50, Omaha

It is not unusual for men to forgot to treat the woman they love as well we once did (women do this do too by the way, so reversing the gender in the comment also makes sense).      

No. 23 We want you to never stop hunting us. Even if we married you. Remember why you got the gig. Don’t make the trailer the only fun in the whole production. That’s misleading. — Avril Dell, 46, Toronto

Here are six more comments from the Esquire article I randomly selected to include here:

No. 437: Even the most ardent feminist likes to be swept off her feet with an unplanned spontaneous romantic gesture. Trust me. —Jennifer Dewhirst Steshyn, 51, Lakeland, Florida

No. 69: When you play with my hair, you’re actually making love to me. Did you know that? —Babette Dickerson, 50, Shaker Heights, Ohio

No. 104: The girl who had a crush on you in the third grade probably still thinks about you once a week. Okay, twice. —Jennifer Smith, 34, Atlanta

No. 872: In regards to shirt buttons, here’s our advice: one open, you’re fine, two open, you’re cutting it close, three or more and you look like you belong on Tool Academy. — Aminata Dia, 22, San Jose, California

No. 50: No, it’s not all right that you didn’t plan anything for our birthday even though we told you not to. — Carla Michelle Coley, 24, Washington, D. C.

No. 40: We think you’re high maintenance, too. — Naomi Pabon-Figueroa, 25, Pittsburgh

I suppose the Esquire article leaned so heavily on comments by 20-something women due to that likely being the prime dating demographic. As I picked remarks to include today I intentionally leaned a bit toward women in their 30’s, 40’s and 50’s.  Being in my 5th decade I was especially interested to learn what “older” (defined as more mature/experienced/full-grown/wiser, etc) women had to say.  

The readers of this blog lean about 60% female and I am hopeful some of you will leave a comment here about “What Men Need to Know About Women” so I can post them.  Men, you are just as welcome to leave your insights about women as well.

After two marriages and too many failed relationships over the years, I appreciate any input you care to share. Being in a new wonderful love relationship of about six months now, all helpful insights will be greatly appreciated. 

Sometimes I wonder if men and women really suit each other.  Perhaps they should live next door and just visit now and then.  Katharine Hepburn

Here’s a link to the Esquire article “1,000 Things You Don’t Know About Women: http://www.esquire.com/women/women-issue/funny-facts-about-women-0510

I Can Do Anything

/ James Browning / 2 Comments

 

  1. Give up the quest for perfection and shoot for a good five minutes in a row.
  2. Remember what you love.
  3. If you want something to change, do something different.
  4. Let yourself re-graduate every four years. 

Those are the four “clues” about life offered by Cathy Guisewite, the creator of the syndicated cartoon strip “Cathy” as part of a graduation address she gave at the University of Michigan in the spring of 1994. 

I like the simplicity of her list.  So many  “suggestions for living” offered, while well written and though out, are usually too long and cumbersome for most people to adhere to for any length of time.  Cathy’s list of clues is simple, to the point and easy to understand and use.

About the first clue on her list Ms. Guisewite remarked you will not be graded for how dramatic your plans are but for what you actually sit down and do, slowly, deliberately for five minutes in a row.  If you can succeed for five minutes in a row, you can do anything.  To my way of thinking this is encouragement to stay in the present and live in the “now” where life actually goes on.

Clue number two “Remember what you love” is good advice without any explanation.  However, one of Cathy’s thoughts on this subject is so good; it has to be included.  She said When you remember what you love, you will remember who you are.  If you remember who you are, you can do anything.  Enough said!

When I look back and think about the things I could have done and should have done and wish I had said and wanted to try and thought of changing, time and time again I see the only brick walls that were ever really in my way were the ones I lovingly built myself, brick by brick, and then proceeded to smash my head against.  I just could not get out of my own way.  That is how Cathy Guisewite began explaining her third clue “If you want something to change, do something different”.

I find the third clue especially meaningful as it explains how my life moved from what it used to be to what it is.  In a word “change” is how it happened.  As Cathy continued talking about clue number three she included You have to take a stand when it is not convenient.  Say something in a relationship when it hurts to do it.  Work harder than you are used to working.  Try something nobody else has tried.  Defy your own group.  Rebel against yourself.  Knock down your walls and get out of your own way.  If you are brave enough to do something different, you can do anything.

“Let yourself re-graduate every four years” was Ms Guisewite’s forth “clue”.   The context of her statement was for a college graduating class and the way she explained clue four all one has to do is substitute “re-set” for “re-graduate” to make this point applicable to all ages.  She said Celebrate what you have done.  Admit what you are not doing.  Think about what is important to you and make some changes.  If you give yourself a chance to move on, you can accomplish anything.

The remarks made by Cathy Guisewite seventeen years ago are still just as meaningful today.  Near the end of her speech she said …you have to set standards for how you work how you treat others, how you let yourself be treated. You have to simultaneously celebrate yourself and rebel against yourself. You have to defy your group, knock down your walls, and get out of your own way. You have to separate yourself from the 10,000 things that are expected of you and concentrate on something one day at a time.

There is a consistent thread that runs through Ms. Guisewite’s comments and one she stated at least four times.  It was “…you can do anything”.  While I can’t be 25 again or fly by flapping my arms, there really is little else I can’t do.  At my age some endeavors will be more difficult, but still attainable if it is something I love and truly want to accomplish. Conversely, age plays in my favor due to the wisdom of years and knowledge from previous trial and error not in my possession when younger.  

I am grateful to be exactly who I am, at the age I am, the way I am.   And for anyone to be pleased with their overall lot is life is no small accomplishment.  But here I am filled with joy for living and excited about my future prospects.  I can do anything!

Most of the shadows of this life are caused by our standing in our own sunshine.
Ralph Waldo Emerson

All Evidence of Truth

/ James Browning

A fully functional human being has five primary senses:  sight, touch, taste, hearing and smell.  All of us who have those in good working order rarely if ever contemplate life without them. But, this morning I asked myself “if you had to give up one, which would you choose?”

On the surface that seems like a fairly simple question, but as I began to contemplate it I found it took some time to come up with an answer. 

What did appear quickly was the resounding thought “I would not give up being able to see”.  Art, especially well-done photography, is an important interest:  both making photographs myself and enjoying the work of others.  I can’t imagine not being able to take a photograph or being able to admire work of another photographer.  Writing further the realization comes of how much the loss of sight would take away.  No faces of familiar and loved people could be seen.  The colors of a beautiful sunset would be beyond my ability to experience.   Being an avid reader, I suppose I might be able to learn Braille but would sorely miss “seeing” the words.  No, sight would not be my choice to give up.

Almost as quickly as the realization that life without sight is not something I can imagine, it occurs that hearing is just as important.  Music has been such an important part of my life, including my profession, and can’t imagine not being able to experience it.  Nor can I come to grips with not being able to talk and hear in a conversation.  Certainly there are times when the over-abundance of sound in a large city can be a bit much.  Even so, I can’t imagine not being able to hear it all.

The texture and suppleness of a loved one’s skin is as unique as the color of their eyes.  It is beyond me to imagine not being able to touch and feel those I care about.  To not know the difference between the texture of an apple and an orange would be a great loss.  Due to an injury a few years ago, there is partial numbness of two fingers on my left hand.  That little bit of loss of feeling causes me to be clumsy picking things up with that hand and I often drop things. The limited experience with restricted sense of touch causes me to know I would never willingly give it up. 

This brings me to smell and taste and if I remember science class correctly the two are interrelated. Smell is said to be the sense most easily awakened and the one that creates the deepest memory.  Further, smell helps keep us safe and endears us to places, people and things through our memory of their particular scent.  Then there is taste which allows a plethora of food experiences and perceptions of the world that come through flavor, sweetness, bitterness and sourness. Imagine not knowing the difference in the taste of salt and sugar!

Willingly I would not give up one of the primary senses, but if it was necessary to give up one, my choice would probably be taste.  That sure would make meals a lot simpler and I’d probably lose some weight also.  How boring that would be!

What this little exercise did is cause me a bit greater appreciation for my ability to see, hear, taste, smell and touch.  Just imaging not having a sense now taken for granted is an eye opener.

For at least today everything I will see will be a bit more attractive.  Everything heard will be more pleasing to me.  All things touched will be appreciated with a greater awareness of texture and shape.  Foods will be chewed long and savored so I can enjoy their taste more fully.  And no smell will be met with distaste, even the unpleasant ones. 

Imaging being without one of my senses has brought, at least momentarily, a much greater appreciation for them all.  By moving behind the phrase “you don’t know what you’ve got until it’s gone” I gain present day gratitude and appreciation.  In all ways and all things, learning to be thankful for what I already have is an easy way to increase affluence in my life.  Gratitude costs nothing, but brings great riches.

All credibility, all good conscience, all evidence of truth come only from the senses.  Friedfich Nietzsche

A Short Tale of Many Feelings

/ James Browning / 1 Comment

Last evening, Christmas Eve, was ‘groovy’.  I decorated my little black convertible with a big red bow on the front grill, evergreen trim in the back and battery-powered multi-colored blinking Christmas lights around the windshield.  A thermos was filled with hot chocolate and a snack of raisins secured in a baggie.  Then my lady and I bundled up layer upon layer to warm us on a 20-something degree evening’s long ride to see Christmas lights.

 The festively decorated car got more than a few waves and car horn honks along with lots of assorted smiles and looks of amusement.  I found myself wondering if some saw the red jacket I was wearing as a hint of Santa Claus.  My nearly all white facial hair and that on my head sticking out from my hat probably added to the suggestion.  While completely unintentional, I like the thought!  What a ‘funky’ Santa I must have looked like!

After about an hour’s sightseeing we stopped around 10pm in a church parking lot to warm up with hot chocolate and snack on a few raisins.  There were cars already in the parking lot and slowly more arrived.  While we never knew for certain it appeared these were early arrivals for some sort of late night/early morning service or pageant.  That thought added a little more to the special feeling of the night before Christmas.  

After our ten minute break we continued our tour of Christmas displays.  In total we spent about two and a half hours finding delightful do-it-yourself exhibits and having a great time.  Especially enjoyable were the neighborhoods where many families decorated their homes and we drove slowly savoring those particularly.  The highlight was two homes with thousands of Christmas lights synchronized to music that could be tuned in on my car radio.  As others did, I stopped the car and turned the headlights and smiled the entire time I watched the lights jump, jiggle and blink.  The displays were beautiful but not of the caliber of the millions of lights at a local bible college called Rhema does each year.  Tonight we plan to go there for the second look-see this season.  

After the exhilarating experience of being out in the cold for a few hours, we came home, warmed up and realized we were exhausted.  Sleep came soon after and the last I remember looking at clock it was twelve minutes after midnight.  The first I saw of the morning light was a little past 8am when my Sweetie brought me coffee in bed.  She had gotten up about a quarter-hour earlier which was just enough time to make the morning brew.  My first impressions of the day were the smell of fresh coffee, my lady in her robe that is “Santa red” and a warm smile on her face; a wonderful way to greet Christmas morning. 

After sipping coffee for a while soon we were handing out to each other the gifts that “Santa Claus” had left the night before.  Opening was a slow and fun process with her opening one and then me opening one, back and forth until all five presents were opened.  Ironically there were the same number of gifts for each of us.  

Two gifts from my Brother in Alabama arrived several days ago and I choose to wait until Christmas morning to open them.  Both were thoughtful and useful gifts.  One was a type of “emergency hammer” one keeps in the car to break a window in case of an accident.  The other was a cool, tiny “Leatherman utility tool”.  Remarking how much I liked it, I said years ago I received as a Christmas gift the tool’s ‘big brother’.  I was talking about the ultimate Swiss Army knife, the largest one made; so large it had to be carried in a scabbard on one’s belt.  

Wanting to show the comparison to my love, I went to my bedroom and started to look for the ‘big brother’ in my dresser.  First in the drawer I always kept it in and then a second one where it might be.  After going through all nine drawers a third time it became evident the Swiss Army knife was not there.  I have not used it in years. It’s possible I misplaced it, but doubtful. 

Some of my jewelry was stolen about a year ago. The culprit was either those who cleaned my house (although I don’t think it was them), some workman who had access to my bedroom when I was not home or else the movers when I relocated nine months ago.  I will never know where two weddings rings from previous marriages and a diamond pinky ring that belonged to my deceased father went.  The violation has bothered me a lot, but had settled.  Today finding the Swiss Army knife missing reawakened that discomfort and loss.  

Either the ultimate Swiss Army knife was taken with my jewelry or it was accidentally or intentionally mixed into my ex-wife’s things when she packed it all. I was served divorce papers at the airport returning from a business trip and summarily locked out of what had been our home.  She packed almost all my things, hence my suspicion.  I know there are other belongings that ended up with her.  In my mind it is a possibility she has the big knife, but in my heart I would rather blame the thief that took my other stuff.  There has been enough pain caused by the demise of my second marriage.  It is ongoing peace I want most of all for both of us.  In that spirit I will lean on my gratitude for the good times she and shared and thankfulness for the many other material blessings I have.   After all the Swiss Army knife is just a thing and at best I was only its temporary caretaker.  Eventually it was destined to someone else’s anyway.

Most of all this morning I am thankful the spirit of Christmas is acutely alive within me this year.  I am glad forgiveness for anyone who has wronged me is now easy to come by.  At the top of my gratitude list is my love for a special woman who I care about without the complication and dysfunction that troubled all my previous relationships.  In the spirit of the birth Christ-mas celebrates I give humble thanks. Merry Christmas!

Forgive all who have offended you, not for them, but for yourself.  Harriet Nelson

See It Through

/ James Browning / 1 Comment

When he was 16 years old he went to work for the Detroit Free press.  His first book of poetry was published when he was 17 and there were twenty books of poetry before he was done.  He became know as “The People’s Poet” and wrote over 11,000 poems.  He had a radio talk show for eleven years and a network TV show for a season.  With all that notoriety you’d think his name would be one most people know today.  Sadly his is now largely forgotten, so please allow me to introduce you to Edgar A. Guest (1881 – 1959). 

For 40 years, Edgar Guest was widely read throughout North America, and his sentimental and optimistic poems were widely loved. I discovered Mr. Guest’s work about two years ago.  The more of his poetry I have read, the more my admiration has grown for the simplicity of his work that expresses deep meaning in a way that just about anyone can understand. 

 “See It Through”
When you’re up against a trouble,
Meet it squarely, face to face;
Lift your chin and set your shoulders,
Plant your feet and take a brace.
When it’s vain to try to dodge it,
Do the best that you can do;
You may fail, but you may conquer,
See it through!

Black may be the clouds about you
And your future may seem grim,
But don’t let your nerve desert you;
Keep yourself in fighting trim.
If the worst is bound to happen,
Spite of all that you can do,
Running from it will not save you,
See it through!

Even hope may seem but futile,
When with troubles you’re beset,
But remember you are facing
Just what other men have met.
You may fail, but fall still fighting;
Don’t give up, whate’er you do;
Eyes front, head high to the finish.
See it through!

“Life”
Life is a gift to be used every day,
Not to be smothered and hidden away;
It isn’t a thing to be stored in the chest
Where you gather your keepsakes
And treasure your best;
It isn’t a joy to be sipped now and then
And promptly put back in a dark place again.

Life is a gift that the humblest may boast of
And one that the humblest may well make the most of.
Get out and live it each hour of the day,
Wear it and use it as much as you may;
Don’t keep it in niches and corners and grooves,
You’ll find that in service its beauty improves.

Shunned by what Mr. Guest called highbrow, longhair intellectual critics and writers, he followed a clear and straightforward formula in his writing: I take simple everyday things that happen to me and I figure it happens to a lot of other people and I make simple rhymes out of them.  I am grateful for the pleasure and comfort I get from reading the work of Edgar Guest and thank him for the legacy for living he left behind. 

Lives of great men all remind us we can make our lives sublime. And, departing, leave behind us footprints on the sands of time. Henry Wadsworth Longfellow 

Old Dogs CAN Learn New Tricks

/ James Browning / 3 Comments

There is a primitive part of the brain that science identified years ago as containing a human’s innate instinct for survival.  This behavior comes without conscious thought and is a reflex to be on guard and scan our environment for threats or “what’s wrong”.  When mankind lived in the bushes and was under constant threat the instinct served us very well.  In today’s environment the “what’s wrong” reflex can easily get misapplied and overused to cause fault finding where there are none.

All people have flaws and my life experience has shown me I have more than most.  Yet, in awareness and through consistent hard work to get past my defects of character I believe I am healthy, moral and mentally strong today.  However, no matter what, some people will always see me as I once was and not as the me I am today.  There is nothing I can do about that, but it still bothers me sometimes.

This week an ex-wife contacted me through email and with a three note exchange it because obvious she was viewing me as I once was.  Yes, I lied to her.  Yes, I cheated on her. In the end what happened literally broke my heart and showed me the lowest lows of my life.  There was great pain for both of us, but good did come of it for me.  The end of the relationship was the wakeup call where I was finally able to see my behavior for what it was and begin work in earnest to get better. Today I am well balanced and whole inside.  The feeling of being “not good enough” is quite dim most of the time and no where near what it used to be.  Simply I am the best I have ever been inwardly and outwardly.  My ‘ex’ does not see that though.

In contemplating the happening of yesterday I ended up taking issue with such sayings as “a leopard cannot change its spots”, a tiger can’t change its stripes” or “you can’t teach an old dog new tricks”.  Maybe you can’t teach a critter new tricks or get them to change their very color, but humans can change through intention and determination.  Heck, dogs, tigers and leopards live at best around 15-17 years and a human lives five or more times that.  Maybe if the animals lived as long as people their stripes, spots and tricks could change.

In pondering this whole subject and poking around on the internet I found that people often accept as truth sayings that are absolutely contradictory.  For example:

“You can’t teach an old dog new tricks.” VS.  “You’re never too old to learn.”
“Actions speak louder than words.” VS.  “The pen is mightier than the sword.”
“Silence is golden.” VS.  “The squeaky wheel gets the grease.”
“Never judge a book by its cover.” VS.  “Clothes make the man.”
“Opposites attract.” VS. “Birds of a feather flock together.”

Did you know that “an apple a day keeps the doctor away” was a marketing slogan dreamed up in the early 1900’s by American apple growers concerned that the temperance movement would cut into sales of apple cider?  While apples are good for you, believing that because of an advertising catchphrase shows how gullible we are.

Further, we often bastardize sayings beyond their original meaning.  It is not unusual to hear someone say “He got off scot free” and I’ll bet you 99% of people believe they are making some reference to Scottish people.  In reality “scot” is an old Norse word that means “payment” so the phrase has an original meaning of “not having to pay”.

Another is “If you think that, you have another thing coming” which is supposed to end with “another THINK coming”.  That error is so wide spread if you Google “another thing coming” you’ll get something like 150,000 results, while “another think coming” returns about one fourth of that.

I take great exception with the saying “people don’t change”.  Yes, we all have ingrained personality traits, but we are not held captive by them.  To believe I can not change is only encouraging myself to accept my weaknesses.  A comparison of my self of today with person I was a few years ago shows me I am the same, yet so much more than I was. Unchanged is how I think and process information but experience, recovery and hard work has changed the way I interpret everything and how I act. Every day adds a new layer of character. That’s why I find myself today approaching getting older with optimism rather than dread. I am grateful to know and believe what Emerson wrote “As we grow old the beauty steals inward.”

Growth is the only evidence of life.
John Henry Newman

Man’s Greatest Wisdom

/ James Browning / 1 Comment

About ten or twelve years ago I read a fictional book with a message titled “The Celestine Prophecy” by James Redfield.  The tale became a best seller and revolves round the discovery of a mysterious, ancient manuscript that is being withheld from the public by government and church.  The basic premise of the book is there is much more to the cosmos than we are aware, there are no coincidences and everything happens for a reason.

A reader of  “The Celestine Prophecy” finds something called “The Nine Insights” outlined that are hints that tie back well to many other teachings about how to have a good life.  Just one example is how I tie the Insights back to 12 Step Programs (see parenthesis below).   

Insight #1 is a feeling of restlessness and a search for more meaning in life. Responding to this urge, awareness begins of “coincidences”, synchronicity and some underlying process operating in life. (We are powerless…)

Insight #2 is an awareness of a historical and present preoccupation with the material world which instigates a search for a deeper meaning and the purpose for life. (Came believe in a power greater than our self…)

Insight #3 is seeing our connectedness to everyone and all things.  A knowing comes of the subtle energy of everything and how each person helps create the world we live in. (Turn our will over to a power greater than our self)

Insight #4 is learning how people all compete for this energy and this competition underlies all conflicts that come from humans need to control and dominate one another. (Made a fearless inventory of our self and admitted the nature of our wrongs)

Insight #5 is discovering the key to overcoming conflict is to tap into the source thorough spirituality where people find connectedness and oneness with everything. (Ready to have our defects removed and asked for help)

Insight #6 is awareness of the Childhood traumas and false messages that block the ability to know one’s true spirit.  Overcoming the issues allows healing and transcending the past. (Becoming aware of shortcomings and seeking to make amends)  

Insight #7 is moving beyond past trauma and building spirituality.  This allows for connection to something greater than one’s self and receiving guidance from it. (Continuing to search for and make amends)

Insight #8 is humans are here to support, teach and care for one another.  Only through uplifting others can we release counterproductive behaviors and become a whole person. (Sought to improve our conscious contact with a power beyond our self)

Insight #9 is the purpose of human life is to grow.  The more a person evolves positively the greater the connection to a Higher Source becomes and “heaven on Earth” is manifested. (Trying to carry the message to others)

Anyone who has or is working a 12 step program as I have with Codependence Anonymous should be able to readily notice some correlation between the Nine Insights and the 12 Steps as I noted above.  My interpretation is loose, but no less meaningful.  

When boiled down, there is much wisdom to be found within the teachings from many sources.  There is commonality between the Nine Insights, the 12 Steps, the Ten Commandments, the Buddhist Eight Fold Noble Path, the Wiccan Three Fold Law and many ancient and modern spiritual teachings. 

Professor Huston Smith is a well-known spiritual leader, author and Methodist minister who practiced Hinduism, Zen Buddhism and Sufism for over ten years each.  His belief based on ninety-two years of life and study is the teaching of all great religions distilled down together is Man’s greatest wisdom.

I am grateful to have learned there is a difference between religion and spirituality. While they certainly may come together, they are not the same.  Religion is much about a connection to concepts and people while spirituality is about connection to something far outside human experience.   I am thankful for that clarity and knowledge and the peace that my seeking has brought to me.

Wherever people live, whenever they live, they find themselves faced with three inescapable problems:  1) Winning food and shelter from the natural environment (the problem nature poses), 2) Getting  along with one another (the social problem), and 3) Relating our self to the total scheme of things (the spiritual/religious problem).  
Huston Smith