The Thankful Heart

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It’s easy to become immune to, and much less grateful for, the small things in our lives. We allow our feelings of being overwhelmed and our yearning for achievement and material satisfaction to overshadow the precious little gems of life that are all around us.

In our quest to experience the more seductive and exciting “highs,” we have lost sight of the fact that most of life, indeed a vast majority of it, is made up of small things and moments, one right after the other.

Learning to appreciate these things and moments play a huge role in creating a peaceful and happy life. Although the things themselves may be small, failing to appreciate them has really big ramifications!

The failure to acknowledge and, indeed, appreciate the small things breeds an inability to be touched by life. The wonder and awe of life is diminished, the feelings associated with appreciation and gratitude are missed, and, perhaps more than anything, you’ll be sweating the small stuff all the time. The reason this happens is that when your attention isn’t on what’s right, beautiful, special and mysterious, it will be on what’s wrong, what’s irritating, and what’s missing. Your focus of attention will encourage you to be “on edge” and on the lookout for problems instead of the small things that bring you big joy and are right in front of you.

Unfortunately, this type of attention feeds on itself and becomes a way of seeing and experiencing the world. You’ll be too busy thinking about the condescending remark you over heard at lunch or the way your blouse doesn’t look quite right to notice the friendly smile of the checkout clerk or the beautiful art on the classroom wall.

On the other hand, when the bulk of your attention is on what’s right with your life, what’s precious and special, the payoff is enormous. You’ll re-experience the feeling that life is magical and every moment is to be treasured. Instead of complaining about the litter on the side of the road, you’ll notice the colors of the trees and plants. Again, your attention will feed on itself and, over time, you’ll notice more and more things to be grateful for. Your habit becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy.

When you talk to anyone who is very sick or who has had a near death experience, they will tell you that the things you usually think are “big” are, in fact, relatively insignificant; whereas the things you think are small are, in fact, what’s most important. Money, for example, or physical beauty, or an accomplishment, or a material possession can seem to be the end-all, feeling extremely important, even more than life and death issues. Yet, when looking back on your life, it’s very likely that these things that once were in clear focus have lost their luster. They will seem less important, maybe even superficial. On the other hand, the beauty of nature, the touch of newborn fingers wrapped around your own, a lovely smile, or the gift of friendship, will be precious and indeed priceless. From an online article by Kristine Carlson http://www.positivelypositive.com/2012/07/20/be-grateful-for-the-small-things/

Never will I be as grateful as I could be. Any reminder to focus on the meaningful things is always welcome. No matter how much I improve my practice of thankfulness there is ALWAYS room to grow my gratitude.

The unthankful heart… discovers no mercies;
but let the thankful heart sweep through the day
and, as the magnet finds the iron,
so it will find, in every hour, some heavenly blessings!
Henry Ward Beecher

Live Forever

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A simple, but profound thought for a Sunday morning….

Sometimes I feel like if you just watch things,

just sit still and let the world exist in front of you,

sometimes I swear that just for a second time freezes

and the world pauses in its tilt. Just for a second.

And if you somehow found a way to live

in that second, then you would live forever.
Lauren Oliver

When such captivating moments grasps me, the wonder of life swirls all around and I am overwhelmed with gratefulness.

The purpose of life is to live it,
to taste experience to the utmost,
to reach out eagerly
and without fear
for newer and richer experience.
Eleanor Roosevelt

What You Think of Me is None of My Business

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When considered all together, getting older is a good balance of what I am glad about and what I sometimes wish were no so.  Of course, having more of the hair I used to have or a back that does not ache after working in the yard or to not need reading glasses are good examples of what’s on the “I wish were not so list”.  Moving to the “I’m glad about list” immediately I find gratitude for knowledge not possible in younger years that has come from a broad range of life experience.  I cherish the wisdom earned the hard way mostly from my mistakes.

One of the gems of wisdom I am grateful for is summed up in the words of Wayne Dyer:  What you think of me is none of my business.  No magic immunity from such thinking have I learned, but what others think of me plainly matters much less here in the fifth decade of my life than ever before.  Bosses I work for don’t make me nervous any more (does it have anything to do with the fact that most are younger and less experienced than me?)  Dressing nicely still matters, but comfort in what I have on is at the top of my list and matters ten times more than what others think of my wardrobe.

A good deal of personal growth is evident to anyone who has long known me.  However, inwardly there remains speculation from time to time if I measure up in other people eyes.  An often successful method I use to combat such “stinking thinking” is to self-question with this thought:  How would I feel if I was literally unable to worry about another person’s opinion of me?  Getting some sort of silent mental answer in response to that quandary seems to banish the need to care what others think more often than not.

Deep down I know I don’t need the approval of others. It is my ego, the fragile little pretend person within, that craves approval and fears disapproval. Even with the wisdom of years my mind will take things personally sometimes if I let it.  The need to attempt to gain power through approval and disapproval games will always be there. Here in middle age I am grateful to be able to separate myself from my ego more successfully and know approval and disapproval have no real value whatsoever.  In reality, another person’s thought or opinion about me is never personal, because it is never really about me in the first place. It’s about them. A person’s thoughts about anything and everything are only about them self.

Writer Byron Katie has written several self-help books that have been insightful to me.  She says my business is what I think and what I feel.  If I get worried about how someone feels about me, I’m in their business. And if I’m busy living in their business, how am I present for my own business?  A helpful process Katie recommends to throw off untrue thoughts she calls “Inquiry”.  This process I have found helpful includes four questions to ask one’s self:
1. Is it true?
2. Can you absolutely know that it’s true?
3. How do you react when you think that thought?
4. Who would you be without the thought?

The most intimate relationship I have is the one with my own mind.  When that chatterbox in my head is stressing and screaming, I find that it will keep on doing it until I give it some attention.  That sort of thinking is like a toddler in a grocery store pitching a fit until it gets attention.  One way I give that attention is  putting my thoughts through Byron Katie’s four questions.  When I truly question their validity it’s common to find beliefs I have had for 5, 10, 30 years, even the worst, most stressful ones, disappear with regularity.  Then the “monkey mind chatterbox” (my brain) slows down and living becomes easier and life tastes better.

When I can consider things objectively I see the most others can have of me is an opinion.  When thinking clearly I know to elevate another’s opinion of me to the status of a judgment is simply ridiculous. No one can judge me unless I grant him or her the power of being my judge.

When I let go of worry over other people’s opinions, I become free to reflect on my own opinion of myself. Living according to my own truth is an act of self-love and self-care. When I live according to my own beliefs and stay in my own  business (and out of other’s business), I find others usually will honor the truths I live by, whether they agree with me or not.  To know that tidbit of wisdom is a gift I’m grateful for.

I don’t know the key to success, but the key to failure is trying to please everybody. Bill Cosby

Originally posted on December 7, 2011

Uniquely Original

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There will ever only be one of you — ever. In the history of the universe, you exist only once and you are it. There will never again be another person with your unique intellect, temperament, skills and abilities.

We often get stuck in a rut of who we are and what we can offer without really grasping the greatness that is contained in our uniqueness. We often fail to capitalize on our unique abilities. What limits us is a lack of understanding of our unique gifts, the community we create around us, and knowing the value of our role in life.

You are the only person in the world that will ever see things they way you do. Your personality, experiences, insights, and your emotions all lead you to interact with the world differently from everyone else. You may be only slightly different, but it is different. Only you have seen what you have seen, in the way that you have seen them, and can come to the same conclusions. That voice is essential not only to the world immediately around you but in our every day interactions around the globe.

Our ability to reach beyond our geographies now exceeds our expectations – expectations we set not just a few years ago, but a few months ago. We are continuously amazed at how far and how fast we can reach around the planet. Therefore, your point of view may challenge or support another idea around the globe. You may never know it, or feel it, or see it, but it is, nonetheless, there. Don’t ever underestimate the value that your uniqueness has on the conversation.

One of the universal truths of people is that we seek our own level; we find jobs, communities, partners, friends that align with our personalities and our abilities. Opposites may attract, but our “ecosystem” of personalities tends to mirror ourselves.

The problem with all this likeness around us is that it tends to darken our uniqueness. We see our ideas, beliefs, skills, abilities, etc. similar to others around us and then tend to feel we don’t need to be unique – others either don’t need to see it, or someone else has that covered. The very system we put in place to help support us – to make life easier – is the very system that stifles our own “uniqueocity.”

I am, and forever will be, the only unique me. And right back at you! From an article in “Forbes” magazine by Todd Wilms http://www.forbes.com/sites/sap/2013/10/04/i-unique-you-unique/

Wanting to fit in and be like others is not something I am completely immune to. The worst of it was when I was a teenager, yet even then I did not want to be completely like others. As I have gotten older any wish to be like someone else have become more and more rare.

To a fault as an adult I have frequently rebelled against the ‘norm’ just because it was what was considered ‘normal’. If the majority was going “North”, I’d turn and head “Southeast”. That has certainly NOT been easy, but over time that attitude shaped me, mostly for the best, into a ‘uniquely original’ human being. I am proud of the distinctive person I have become and grateful to be ‘me’.

Never love anyone
who treats you like
you’re ordinary.
Oscar Wilde

Love More

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There is a desire within each of us,
in the deep center of ourselves
that we call our heart.
We were born with it,
it is never completely satisfied,
and it never dies.
We are often unaware of it,
but it is always awake.

It is the Human desire for Love.
Every person in this Earth yearns to love,
to be loved, to know love.
Our true identity, our reason for being
is to be found in this desire.

Love is the “why” of life,
why we are functioning at all.
I am convinced
it is the fundamental energy
of the human spirit.
the fuel on which we run,
the wellspring of our vitality.

And grace,
which is the flowing,
creative activity, of love itself,
is what makes all goodness possible.

Love should come first,
it should be the beginning of,
and the reason for everything.
From “Living In”
By Gerald G. May

All that matters on this earth ultimately is people and love. Everything else exists to support and make possible those two things. The utter simplicity of that thinking escapes me most of the time, but with each reminder a little more of the knowing remains behind. I am grateful for each little smidgen of that wisdom!

If you love and get hurt, love more.
If you love more and hurt more,
love even more.
If you love even more
and get hurt even more,
love some more until it hurts no more…
Shakespeare

Years of Friction

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It is not work that kills men, it is worry.
…worry is rust upon the blade.
It is not movement that destroys
the machinery, but friction.
Henry Ward Beecher

In Colorado last week visiting my son, I was waiting in the car when I noticed the little tree in the photo. No only had the sapling accepted to its position in life and had adapted to it, the tree had begun to use the adaptation to its benefit against the winds in Boulder.

Years of friction of the tree trunk rubbing against a cable caused the sapling to adapt. Now as the tree gets older it has begun to grow around the source of friction making itself stronger in the process. It changed and now benefits from what once was the source of injury.

And so it is with life. Resistance to life as it is, does not benefit a person. The injury is to the thinker and not the subject of the thoughts. Things improve when one allows them self to be adapted to real life. The little tree does not think. It only does what is the most healthful for survival. For the tree, like humans, adaptation is often he different between a good life and a difficult one.

The sapling could not know the Serenity Prayer, but practices its principles implicitly.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
The courage to change the things I can,
And wisdom to know the difference.
From a poem by Reinhold Niebuhr

I am grateful to the small tree. It “spoke to me” with a reminder to adapt to one’s circumstance when there is not other option.

A gem cannot be polished
without friction,
nor a man perfected
without trials.
Lucius Annaeus Seneca

They Get Better When You Get Older

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A Friend
by Edgar A. Guest

A friend is one who stands to share
Your every touch of grief and care
He comes by chance, but stays by choice
Your praises he is quick to voice.

No grievous fault or passing whim
Can make an enemy of him
And though your need be great or small
His strength is yours throughout it all.

No matter where your path may turn
Your welfare is his chief concern
No matter what your dream may be
He prays your triumph soon to see.

There is no wish your tongue can tell
But what it is your friend’s as well
The life of him who has a friend
Is double-guarded to the end.

Friendship comprises of many human values such as sympathy, mutual understanding and compassion, but above all it is about honesty, trust and love with a degree of intimacy. Friendship is undoubtedly a central part of our lives, due to the concerns we have for our friends and also because our friends can shape who we are as a person. Most of the times we need friends for companionship, conversations and laughter, but the real virtue of friendship lies in the support that we get from our friends, and the concern that they show.

The value of friendship is something that not many people take time to ponder over and appreciate… we often take our friends for granted. Often we only realize the value of friendship when we find ourselves in need of a friend: when we are confined with problems and need a shoulder to rely on and to get advice for our complicated issues. If we find ourselves to have lost a close friend we understand what we have truly lost, and understand the importance of friendship in our lives. We have many people entering our lives, some for a short time, others longer, each on a varying scale of personal relationships from associations to intimate love and marriage. We form a bond of true friendship with only a select few, those that move with us through the stages of our lives. Mahfooz

The gravitational pull of individual friendships can have an enormous cumulative effect on the quality of our lives. Friends can link us to broader social networks, and help enrich our lives. A friend can be the emotional oasis that makes all the difference. The good news about friendships is that they get better with age, says Karen Fingerman, professor of human development and family science at the University of Texas at Austin: “It almost doesn’t matter what relationship you’re talking about. They get better when you get older.” Chicago Tribune

I will be spending the day with a dear friend of many years. A genuinely true friend like him is rare. His presence in my life is a true blessing I am enormously grateful for.

In poverty and other misfortunes of life,
true friends are a sure refuge.
Aristotle

Searching For ‘Forever Love’

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Everlastingly. Eternally. Continually. Incessantly. Always. Endlessly. Permanently. Perpetually. Enduringly. Infinitely. Without end. FOREVER.

Is it the American relentless search for ‘forever romantic love’ actually seeking something unattainable? American culture is filled emphasis on youth, sex and wealth. We are taught to seek those when deep down other things matter more to us. Seems that conflict could be one of the sources with the dissatisfaction with love in the United States and the elusive search for romantic love that lasts ‘forever’.

Researchers no long ago surveyed 1,157 adults from the United States, Russia and Lithuania. Participants were asked to write a free-list answering the question, “What do you associate with romantic love?”

Americans used words that describe feelings like comfortable, mutual, friendship, happy, secure and love.

Russians chose mostly ways a couple can be together such as walking, beach, travel,  candlelight dinner including only two “feelings”: joyful and unreal.

What both cultures have in common is believing the number one most romantic notion is “being together”. Both have ‘sex’ as a top ten most romantic word with Russians rating it #2 (25%) while those in the U.S. placed it down the list at #7 (13%).

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The researchers said, “The idea that romantic love was temporary and inconsequential was frequently cited by Lithuanian and Russian informants, but not by U.S. informants. Furthermore… expressions of ‘comfort /love’ and ‘friendship’ were frequently cited by the U.S. informants and seldom to never by… Eastern European informants.”

The responses from the survey indicated that most of the Eastern European participants viewed romantic love as fleeting, in contrast to U.S. participants, who saw romantic love as more enduring. The Eastern Europe participants also referred to romantic love as “a stage,” “unreal” and a “fairytale.”

Wanting romantic love to last forever has been a contribution to having been unsuccessfully married twice. What is emerging in my thoughts now is how romantic love begins is not where ‘forever love’ must settle to survive in the long-term. All I have to do to confirm that is look at the U.S. list to realize ‘forever’ is forged in fire of romantic love but the flames must settle into other feelings to last. To expect anything else creates a delusion I lived with for many years. Now that’s an insight I am truly grateful for.

Love is like a friendship caught on fire.
In the beginning a flame, very pretty, often hot and fierce,
but still only light and flickering. As love grows older,
our hearts mature and our love becomes as coals,
deep-burning and unquenchable.
Bruce Lee

A Little Space

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Once in a while I find filling just a little space here says more than if I jotted down a page and a half.

True happiness is to enjoy the present,
without anxious dependence upon the future,
not to amuse ourselves with either hopes or fears
but to rest satisfied with what we have,
which is sufficient, for he that is so wants nothing.
The greatest blessings of mankind are within us
and within our reach.
A wise man is content with his lot,
whatever it may be,
without wishing for what he has not.
Seneca

With abundant clarity I am aware practicing Seneca’s words all the time is impossible. In my perfect imperfectness, gratefully all I have to do is my best.

If you’re doing your best,
you won’t have time to worry
about failure.
H. Jackson Brown Jr.

Nobility of Spirit

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In a quiet moment after my morning meditation I began thinking about those people who have most influenced my spirituality. A prominent person on that list whose writing I began to read about a decade ago is religious studies scholar, Huston Smith. He was raised by Methodist missionary parents and became a minister. Later for more than ten years each he practiced Vedanta, Zen Buddhism and Sufi Islam.

Huston Smith studied long, walked many spiritual paths and is considered one of the foremost authorizes in the world on the common threads running through all religions. He has said of these commonalities, “If we take the world’s enduring religions at their best, we discover the distilled wisdom of the human race. ”

Huston Smith lost his oldest daughter Karen about ten years ago and I remember clearly reading about it. Later in 2009 John Blake of CNN wrote:

Smith… was struggling. He said his daughter’s illness forced him to call upon the spiritual traditions he had studied for much of his life.

He thought about the “Five Remembrances” that some Buddhist monks chant each day: I will lose my youth, my health, my loved ones, everything I hold dear and, finally, life itself by the very nature of being human.

Smith said those remembrances told him that the transient nature of life does not mean people should love others less but more. Smith then recalled a quote from Buddha: “Suffering, if it does not diminish love, will transport you to the furthest shore.”

Karen died one night as Smith sat beside her bed. Smith sobbed uncontrollably. He said that at the moment of his daughter’s death, he had trouble believing in what he had long written about: God’s “justice and perfection.”

Yet even when he was doubled over in anguish beside his daughter’s bed, she seemed to be reaching out to him. As he sat alone with Karen’s body, in the moments after her death, he suddenly stopped crying.

He could somehow sense her presence in the room.

“The sensation was so palpable I almost turned around, expecting to see her,” he said.

“Nobody wants to learn from a child how to die well, but I learned it from Karen,” he said.

Smith traveled around the world to study under some of the most famous spiritual masters. But it was his daughter who became one of his greatest teachers.
“She taught me nobility of spirit,” he said.

My daily meditation practice has returned to be what I do most mornings while the coffee is brewing. There’s something special about my not fully awake mind that’s yet to be crowded with thoughts of the day that makes this time the best for contemplation. I am grateful for the inspiration to return to meditating. It does me a lot of good!

Quiet the mind,
and the soul will speak.
Ma Jaya Sati Bhagavati