Self Awareness

A Common Search for the Good and the Beautiful

/ James Browning

I have limited personal proof that what is below is in practice what makes for a good marriage. But the words feel perfectly true and seem to speak clearly of how it could be, should be.

Happiness in marriage is not something that just happens.
A good marriage must be created.
In the art of marriage the little things are the big things…
It is never being too old to hold hands.
It is remembering to say “I love you” at least once a day.
It is never going to sleep angry.
It is at no time taking the other for granted;
the courtship should not end with the honeymoon,
it should continue through all the years.
It is having a mutual sense of values and common objectives.
It is standing together facing the world.
It is forming a circle of love that gathers in the whole family.
It is doing things for each other, not in the attitude
of duty or sacrifice, but in the spirit of joy.
It is speaking words of appreciation
and demonstrating gratitude in thoughtful ways.
It is not looking for perfection in each other.
It is cultivating flexibility, patience,
understanding and a sense of humor.
It is having the capacity to forgive and forget.
It is giving each other an atmosphere in which each can grow.
It is finding room for the things of the spirit.
It is a common search for the good and the beautiful.
It is establishing a relationship in which the independence is equal,
dependence is mutual and the obligation is reciprocal.
It is not only marrying the right partner, it is being the right partner.
It is discovering what marriage can be, at its best.
“The Art of Marriage” by Wilferd A. Peterson originally published in 1962

The majority of my married years were spent wishing I wasn’t someone’s husband. It’s ironic that now being single for five years I sometimes wish that was not my status. Was I a good husband? Sort of, kinda, sometimes and ‘not’ with regularity. It’s a lesson that loneliness and lost love have taught well. Gratitude is strong within for that hard learned knowing.

The trouble is not that I am single
and likely to stay single,
but that I am lonely
and likely to stay lonely.
Charlotte Bronte

Genuinely Open To Accept It

/ James Browning

We must accept finite disappointment,
but never lose infinite hope.
Martin Luther King, Jr.

We all make plans, have dreams, and set goals. Will our plans materialize or end in complete failure? The only thing certain about life is uncertainty. So, our frail attempts may end in glorious victory or frustrating defeat. Such is the nature of life. We are destined to engage in a series of celebrations interspersed with a series of disappointments. Because of this, it is important to learn how to deal with disappointment. Martin Luther King, Jr. suggests one way of coping; mainly, by accepting it. After all, disappointment occurs in just one moment of time. And hope, or the understanding that future successes will follow, lightens its burden.

The word disappointment is made up of DIS and APPOINTMENT. DIS means separate, apart, or asunder. So, disappointment describes a feeling of dissatisfaction or anguish, which is experienced when we are torn apart from our expected appointment with fate. Yet, we don’t have to experience pain when things don’t go our way. The negativity surrounding disappointment exists not in the real world, but only in our mind. It is not the event, but our interpretation of it that causes pain.

Every time I take a walk with a friend named Will he always finds coins in the street and on the sidewalk. Mainly pennies, but sometimes nickels, dimes, and quarters. Hundreds of people walk by unaware of the change beneath their feet. So why is it that (he), who could use the extra money, always seems to find it? There’s no mysterious force at work here. Just common sense. Will finds the money because he’s looking for it! This is just a simple illustration of an important principle of life, which is WE FIND WHAT WE LOOK FOR. When things don’t go as I had hoped they would, is that bad? It is if I look for something bad. If I am slammed on the head by disappointment, is that good? Yes, it is, if I look for something good. We find what we look for.

You will not enjoy or win at cards if all you do is complain about the hand you’re dealt. Expect nothing more from life than what it offers and you will never be let down. Welcome the opportunities it provides by making the most of the cards you’re dealt. Also, don’t forget to feed your mind with positive thoughts by reading good books. Then make those thoughts your own by reflecting on them. When you understand them, you will fill your mind with light. Apply what you learn by practicing it.

Abandon childish demands and foolish expectations. Are you looking for the perfect mate? If you are, you’re sure to be disappointed. For only God is perfect. We mortals are imperfect. If you can accept that, you can eliminate much unnecessary misery from your life.
From “Dealing With Disappointment” by Chuck Gallozzi
http://www.personal-development.com/chuck/disappointment.htm

My gratitude this morning is for stumbling across Mr. Gallozzi’s article I saved a good while back. It is a perfect kick-start for Monday. Amazing how what I need comes to me when I am genuinely open to accept it.

Acceptance of one’s life has nothing to do with resignation;
it does not mean running away from the struggle.
On the contrary, it means accepting it as it comes,
with all the handicaps of heredity, of suffering,
of psychological complexes and injustices.
Paul Tournier

Thoughts with Photographs

/ James Browning

How would your life be different if…You stopped allowing other people to dilute or poison your day with their words or opinions? Let today be the day…You stand strong in the truth of your beauty and journey through your day without attachment to the validation of others. From “Life, The Truth and Being Free” by Steve Maraboli

If you celebrate your different-ness, the world will, too. It believes exactly what you tell it—through the words you use to describe yourself, the actions you take to care for yourself, and the choices you make to express yourself. Tell the world you are one-of-a-kind creation who came here to experience wonder and spread joy. Expect to be accommodated. Victoria Moran

Be yourself; everyone else is already taken.  Oscar Wilde

I am grateful to understand clearly the meaning of all three statements and profess my determination to practice them better this week than I have ever before.

If you had started doing anything two weeks ago,
by today you would have been two weeks better at it.
John Mayer

White Knight, Boy Scout or Good Guy

/ James Browning

My ghosts are still around, but thankfully not as prevalent as they once were. Even when my past is conjured up, I don’t get stuck there for long periods of time as I once did. The echoes of my past mostly sleep until something bushes up against my recall. Like last night…

My best bud M. and I attended a concert last night to see Motley Crue and Kiss. While not a big fan of either, I do enjoy performance art and was not disappointed. Early on came my notice that two rows in front of me was a woman who looked like a girl whose heart I broke badly over thirty years ago. She didn’t “kinda” resemble the one I hurt; she was the spitting image of her when she was 20 years old! I looked again and again at the woman/girl from different angles and my impression was always the same. She looked just like Anna! While some regret will always remain, the realization came that I had reached peace within for the injury I caused her. A while back I wrote here about what I did:  https://goodmorninggratitude.com/2011/08/17/apology-to-anna/

Later between bands at the concert, I glanced around and coming up the stairs ten feet away from me was a woman who strongly resembled another whose heart got broken from being involved with me. Although we had some great times, R. and I were not good for each other from the very beginning. We were both drowning in our own issues while trying to hold on to the other to keep from sinking. The face and body shape of the woman on the stairs was a reminder that threw me back into my regret for how things turned out. She won’t even speak to me today. Still working on forgiving myself for that one, but found the memory last evening came with more serenity than before. That’s progress.

The third memorable sight from the concert last night was a man and woman across the aisle from where I was seated. At first they seemed to be having a good time. With her back to his front they were looking at the stage while dancing with the music and smiling ear to ear. A short while later I glanced over as he began to overtly grope her. First he was grabbing her breasts.  She repeatedly swatted his hand away and smiled nervously. Soon after he began shoving his hand between her jean covered legs. She squirmed and pushed him away with a look somewhere between fear and disgust on her face. Trying not to stare, the next time I looked up he was gone and she was sitting down looking sad and disappointed. The fun was over for her. She just stared at the stage lost in thought from then on and left early with the female friend she was sitting with.

I was angry with the guy for his complete lack of respect for the woman and felt sorry for her. Then I tied it all together; the earlier reminders of the two women I had hurt along with what I had just witnessed across the aisle. While I never disrespected the two I hurt in the way the groping man did her, some of my behavior was just was contemptuous in its own way.

All in all I did not end up lost in remorse last night. Rather, I was simply reminded of what I have done and of what not to do. My reactions show me I have come far. My deeds can’t be undone, but they are no longer transgressions I can’t think about without getting distressed. There is a sort of melancholy peace within that allows me to learn from my past.

A reminder I am left with today is to always show respect for a woman. Whether others see what I do does not matter! How I treat a woman states loudly and boldly how I feel about myself. I am grateful to know at my core is finally the “white knight”, the “boy scout” or the “good guy” I always knew I could be.

Don’t rely on someone else for your happiness and self-worth.
Only you can be responsible for that.
If you can’t love and respect yourself –
no one else will be able to make that happen.
Accept who you are – completely; the good and the bad
and make changes as YOU see fit –
not because you think someone else wants you to be different.
Stacey Charter

The Need and Desire for Love

/ James Browning

My past is filled with falling in love over and over; at least I thought it was love. A few times it actually was! There is a condition called “Love Addiction” that’s a behavior in which people become addicted to the feeling of being in love. It’s common although most Love Addicts do not realize they are addicted to love.

My particular brand of Love Addiction is that of a “Love Avoidant” which used to cause me to have issues staying in one relationship. At the start of a new romantic connection you’d never know it because Love Avoidants like I used to be come on strong at the start. My desire for love was extraordinarily strong, but after some time into a relationship a part of me is overtaken and becomes afraid of being left or being alone.

My compulsion was to be a philanderer who rarely stayed committed to just one person for very long. I left before the one I loved could leave or else “hooked up” just in case.  In childhood I learned how deeply the ones I love could hurt me and my avoidant tendency rooted there caused me to have difficulty depending on one person.

With professional help and a lot of diligence, my pattern of Love Addiction/Avoidant has been largely overcome. By understanding what is going on and replacing walls with boundaries, I have learned how to experience the joys of being truly intimate. At least I believe I have, although so far I have not fully proven it long-term.

Love addiction is not just my issue and is wide-spread and growing. In an article* on http://www.mailonline.com Martha De Lacey last week wrote:

You may believe in love at first sight. Or you might be someone for whom love takes time and patience. But the average time for telling your partner you love them is after 14 dates, according to a new survey.

Participants in the new study revealed the average number of dates per week with a new partner was two, meaning that couples tend to first say ‘I love you’ seven weeks into a new relationship. First kisses tend to take place two dates or one week into the dating process, and the first time a couple has sex is, on average, after four dates or two weeks. (Yes, you read correctly… four dates! A highly probable sign of Love Addiction since real intimacy takes far longer.)

The research also showed that most partners are introduced to friends for the first time after six dates or three weeks, and that people are most likely to introduce their new boy or girlfriend to their parents after 12 dates or six weeks. And if things go well, dating couples move in with each other, on average, after 30 weeks or 60 dates.

The study was carried out by dating website seekingarrangement.com who polled their 100,000 British members to find the average time for a whole series of ‘firsts’ in a new relationship.

The need and desire for love is stronger than ever in a world where we’re exposed to its opposite continually through every day. The news is filled with it. We walk in fear on the streets and treat strangers with great distrust initially. We have multiple locks on our doors and many have security systems. We carry pepper spray and some even conceal weapons to protect them self. It’s a crazy world.

No wonder I want love so badly. Taken together a rough childhood and an overwhelming need to be loved combined to create a strong compulsion. Thankfully, my Love Addiction/Avoidance is something I understand and control today. It’s an old friend/enemy that I know well through growth and counseling. While I still feel the feelings, they are not as strong anymore. I know better and have become appropriately cautious about falling and being in love. I’m only interested in the real thing; love that comes slowly over time to prove itself to be lasting and real. I am so very grateful for the knowledge and learned ability that can make that possible.

You better have insurance on your heart
if you plan on being in LOVE.
Unknown

* Full article here: http://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-2188819/Dating-milestones-revealed-new-survey.html#ixzz24BxiAB2Y

Small Gratitude

/ James Browning

Have you ever stopped to ask yourself, “what self-image do I project to the world and more importantly to the universe?” or ” what are my actions and words actually saying”. Today I’m speaking to you specifically about gratitude and how you express it. Do you project appreciation for the gifts you receive no mater how small or seemingly insignificant, thereby opening yourself up to receive more. Or are you projecting a low self-worth that says I don’t deserve this small thing so please don’t burden me with my total abundance.

Now I don’t believe any of us would consciously stop the flow of abundance into our lives, yet the way we express gratitude may be doing just that. How you ask? Well, have you ever received a gift from someone and said any of the following statements “thanks, but that wasn’t necessary”, “thanks, but you really over did it” or “thanks, but you really shouldn’t have spent so much on me”.

The first thing these statements do is to diminish the effort the giver put into the gift. Secondly, these statements also tell the universe that you’re not worthy of receiving such a gift so please don’t send any more. These statement are merely a reflection of our belief of low self-worth which when projected to the universe stops our flow of abundance. The flow can very easily be turned back on by accepting gifts and gestures of love, appreciation and simple kindness without any conditions whatsoever.

By moving in this direction you will instantly improve your relationships because the people in your life will feel appreciated and the universe will see that you are open to receive all it has to offer to you. So starting now realize that you are worthy of all the things the universe provides to you and simply say “thank you” with no add-ons to the giver or more importantly to yourself. This one action will open you up to receive your total abundance very quickly. Coach Mike http://www.warriorforum.com/mind-warriors-success-power-self-improvement/

We have no right to ask when a sorrow comes, ‘Why did this happen to me?’
unless we ask the same question for every joy that comes our way.
Unknown

With a Glad and Grateful Heart

/ James Browning

Each day I come here to put words down, some mine and some borrowed, to express a though to start the day. Each time a minor miracle happens as my thoughts and feelings expressed through a keyboard are cast into the world. I am cleansed; I am empowered; I am softened; I am made more whole. This electronic gratitude journal has become as necessary to my well-being as eating; writing is food for my soul.

From the content of the heart;
The written word is penned,
But without an inner sight;
Is hard to comprehend.
You look amazed at words in ink
And ponder on them, the source;
Was it the mind from whence they came
Or from the heart, that caused remorse.
Is it truly filled with light,
In the way you’ve come to see,
Or does the content of your heart
Provide the ink that flows from thee.
Muddy dark that tends to smear
Or calligraphy with beauty seen;
Words that lift and soothe the soul
Or ones that drag and thus demean.
From the inkwell of the heart,
The pen will draw from in
And place upon the paper white
Those things that lie within.
Inkwell of the Heart by Gloria Sarasin

To every person who has ever been here to spend a moment or two I extend my greatest gratitude for it is you who have helped me rediscover the joy of living! Thank you.

Thank you for what you did;
You didn’t have to do it.
I’m glad someone like you
Could help me to get through it.
I’ll always think of you
With a glad and grateful heart;
You are very special;
I knew it from the start!
 Joanna Fuchs

Lab Rat Day

/ James Browning

An interesting experiment I am going to conduct today: count how many times I complain or criticize, even in the smallest way, while I keep track of how frequently I express or sense gratitude, even for near trivial things. Every time I grumble or find fault I will score a minus one (-1) and each occasion of thankfulness or admiration will receive value of plus one (+1).

Without doubt there is hope at the end of this day of being my own “lab rat” I will find an ending tally of a good-sized positive number. I really won’t know though until this evening just before bed when I take stock of my final score for the day.

My scoring won’t be exact and does not need to be to get a sense of how full or empty I perceive my ‘glass of life’ to be. I’ll report here tomorrow on my results.

I encourage you to try this experiment with me and I’d be grateful if you do. Thank you.

‎Transformation is not five minutes from now;
it’s a present activity.
In this moment you can make a different choice,
and it’s these small choices and successes
that build up over time to help cultivate
a healthy self-image and self esteem.
Jillian Michaels

Hope and New Ways of Being

/ James Browning

In my time I have come to life on two separate occasions: the day of my physical birth and the moment I was ‘reborn’ emotionally. The former was when as a baby I came into the world and the latter was when I woke up and became psychologically self-aware about five years ago. At both times I was barely functional, but each was a grand beginning.

My second birth occurred when I got into recovery for codependence and depression as I accepted both were conditions of my being. Over and over, like a baby I have learned to do things through repetition, growing a tiny amount each day. There is yet much to learn and experience in ways I never could have before. Life is filled with possibility, hope and new experiences.

There are many things I don’t know, but quite a few I do.
I know you can’t be lost if you know where you are.
I know that life is full of precious and fragile things,
and not all of them are pretty.
I know that the sun follows the moon
and makes days, one after another.
Time passes. The world turns, and we turn with it,
and though we can never go back to the beginning,
sometimes, we can start again.
Megan Hart

Today when all is considered, I’m probably about fourteen years old emotionally which is a far cry from the “wailing baby” I was for many years. Truly the child within is growing up emotionally now. The pain to get here is something I hope never comes again, but for the result I will be continually grateful for the rest of my days.

The truth is that our finest moments are most likely to occur
when we are feeling deeply uncomfortable, unhappy, or unfulfilled.
For it is only in such moments, propelled by our discomfort,
that we are likely to step out of our ruts and start searching
for different ways or truer answers.
M. Scott Peck

What the Mind is Prepared to Comprehend

/ James Browning

…to understand the dream, is to know what a dream is made of.
What it is made of is simple: Thought.
To understand thought, and its relationship to dreams
is to understand the Dreamer.
You are the Dreamer.
This is your dream.
But do you realize it…?
Written in 2003 on physicsforums.com by “TheDreamer”

My concept of reality is how I personally perceive all that I sense and nothing else. No one sees or has even seen the world and what it contains exactly as I do. My philosophic mind knows that is a completely accurate statement, while my ego argues with me even as I type. It tells me some people have a more realistic view of the world than others and declares to me it is one of them. There is no way to prove or disprove my ego’s stance and it absolutely does not matter. My ego distorts everything! So I assume it is always twisting its view either a little or a lot.

Some perceptions do fit in the world of man better than others but that proves nothing. Just because people agree does not make what is perceived true or accurate.

We all know we humans have five senses only. We use our five senses to observe the world. We call that the physical world and declare arrogantly that non-physical beings don’t exist at all. That’s similar to an earthworm that’s blind declaring light do not exist. (by physicskid from the same forum mentioned above)

A human’s sight only takes in a certain range of color and needs light to be bright enough to see things. We consider light to be the combination of colors we can see: red, orange, yellow, green, blue, indigo and violet. But that is just a small portion of the electromagnetic spectrum.

There is a minimum volume or loudness of a sound that most people can hear. Just as light is a spectrum of wavelengths, so is sound. Human ears have a limited range of wavelengths or pitches they can detect. When something barely touches your skin, you may not detect it or feel it like when a mosquito lands on your skin. And there are only certain chemicals and molecules that we can taste or smell.  All are only perceptions and nothing else.

As I move into my day, I will try to keep these thoughts present in my mind. They tell me that when I see things differently than another it does not make them wrong and me right. It simply means we perceive things differently. I am grateful for the reminder of this basic truth this morning.

The eye sees only what the mind is prepared to comprehend.
Robertson Davies