Self Awareness

Modern Love: Learning to Love the Self

/ James Browning / 3 Comments

“If I jog, I’ll be a much better person.” “If I had a nicer house, I’d be a better person.” “If I could meditate and calm down, I’d be a better person.” Or the scenario may be that we find fault with others. We might say, “If it weren’t for my husband, I’d have a perfect marriage.” “If it weren’t for the fact that my boss and I can’t get on, my job would be just great.” (From Comfortable with Uncertainty: 108 Teachings by Pema Chodron)

For much of my life I played life roulette loading my “gun” with “bullets” like the ones mentioned in the previous paragraph.  Over and over I “shot” myself and those around me with similar thinking.  It took a long time to discover trying to find self-worth outside of me was an absolute waste of time.

Growing up poor, I thought money was the answer to a fulfilling life.  I believed it to the point that my drive to have financial success exceeded my desire for most anything else for a long while.  It was not easy, but I achieved the monetary status I sought.  What I found was life was not better and had actually gotten worse in some ways.  Not only did I now have to manage what I had created, I injured myself and those I cared about with my relentless pursuit of money.  It is clear to me now that in some ways I simply forgot to live my life.  I gave it up for a buck instead.

In my relationships with women, I was always searching and questioning.  My mind was rarely still and spun with quizzical ideas.   “Is this the one?”  “Is there someone better for me?”  “Would I be better off single?”  “Am I happiest being married?”  “What about her?”  Always looking for someone to fill the emptiness I felt inside.  My analytical mind crunched and munched “what if’s” looking for that one key person who could bring me happiness.  I was unable to see the barriers to my happiness were inside me.

My external life was good.  I had money.  I was loved.  I was healthy.  I had a loving family.  I had a great job.  I had friends.  But I was unhappy because I had yet to take a good, long and steady look in the mirror.

The Face in the Glass by Dale Wimbrow

When you get what you want in your struggle for self
And the world makes you king for a day,
Just go to a mirror and look at yourself
And see what THAT face has to say.

For it isn’t your father or mother or spouse
Whose judgment upon you must pass;
The person whose verdict counts most in your life
Is the one staring back from the glass.

Some people might think you are a straight-shootin’ chum
And call you a wonderful guy or gal,
But the face in the glass says you’re only a bum
If you can’t look it straight in the eye.
That’s the one you must please, never mind all the rest,
For that’s the one with you clear up to the end.
And you know you have passed your most dangerous test
If the face in the glass is your friend.
You may fool the whole world down the pathway of life
And get pats on your back as you pass,
But your final reward will be heartache and tears
If you’ve cheated the face in the glass.

Once I began to look inward it took a long while to find my balance and footing.  There were many fitful starts and stops with little progress made.  In my ignorance I hurt people I cared about.  Daily meditation offered some solace from what was raging inside me, but only in the sense that “holding one’s breath prevents inhaling something bad”.  That’s only effective for very short periods of time. Reading brought me intellectual understanding of my psychology but not how to be a “physician who could heal thyself”.  I searched.  I pondered.  I sought.  I explored.  I examined.  I investigated.  I hunted.  I pursued.  Yet my quest did little to sate the restlessness and lack of contentment within.

In time I discovered through trial, error and painful mistakes, I had been chasing “other-esteem”.  What I was lacking was sufficient “self-esteem”.  My discovery had to come the hard way.  There was no other method for one who was so adept at outwardly projecting a far different person from the true one on the inside.  The awful years of agonizing with this discovery and finding new direction were difficult to bear, but necessary.  Today I am much improved at letting what is inside match what is apparent on the outside.  No longer do I fear the deep emotions that reside within, nor do I worry much about expressing them.   I hope my openness here shows that.

No, I did not suddenly “get it” and become well-practiced at being who I really am.  Rather, step by step, day by day my skill at being me improves.  So does my level of contentment and happiness.  In order to be grateful for my sense of well-being today, I have to give thanks for the troubles and heartaches that were the catalysts to awaken me.  For so long I did not understand when spiritual practices of all sorts proclaimed troubles and burdens are the greatest teachers.  I “get it” now and today have much gratefulness for every misstep and trial that helped bring me here.

The most terrifying thing is
to accept one’s self completely. 
Carl Gustav Jung

A Lazy Sunday = Good Mojo

/ James Browning / 2 Comments

“This is usually “good morning gratitude” but today’s volume is arriving in an evening edition.  Once in while I need one of these laze around and take it easy “Sunday’s”.  You know the type.  Sleeping in a little was a treat.  My body appreciated the extra rest.  I had dreams that left me in a good mood although I don’t remember details.  Morning found feeling well.  

I slept until I was ready to get up, and then woke up with a first cup of coffee in front of the computer checking email.  I suspect most can remember a time when un-hurried they got caught up on their email.  There’s even the luxury of going back and reading emails you just never got to.   Today that bit of catching up was satisfying in some way I can’t explain exactly except it just felt good.  

Breakfast tasted good and my body appreciated it.  Fresh strawberries, blueberries, cantaloupe and a banana cut up in a bowl to go along with a one-egg cheese omelet.   My body knows the different between the bad and the good stuff.  It rewards me as it did today when I feed it well.      

My best friend M. called about 11am “just checking in” as we call it.  We ended up making plans for him to come over later.   We talked for a while then watched a movie and ate popcorn.  Then we talked some more.  Simple and calm the afternoon passed quickly and was a good time.  

Bedtime will be on schedule tonight.  I suspect when I lay down sleep will come comfortably and quickly.  That will be the end of a plain, nothing special, ordinary kind of delightful Sunday.  It was one of those days that are an ad-lib from start to finish.  “Time to waste” and spending it as I chose was good medicine. 

I am even cheating a little now and writing fewer words here than I usually hold myself to.  Even that little laziness is sweet.  I am grateful.

If you haven’t given yourself one of these lazy days I highly recommend you give yourself one soon. 

 Life passes very quickly.   

It is in his pleasure that a man really lives; it is from his leisure that he constructs the true fabric of self.  Agnes Repplier

 

Living a More Healthful Life

/ James Browning / 1 Comment

 Two weeks ago I had my annual checkup and the test results are all back.  I am pleased and grateful to know that I am a healthy man with a body younger than my years.  Each year after the initial examination I figuratively ‘hold my breath’ a bit while waiting for the reports.  That is interesting to me as only in the last 10 years has it become so.  Into my 40’s I just plowed ahead without much thought about longevity or mortality. 

While it is difficult to say I did it with full intention, I don’t have lots of bad eating habits.  For some reason I have never been a big fan of red meat which to some people, men especially, is almost un-American.  When on occasion I order a steak you should hear the grief I get when I say “well-done please”.  My response is something similar to “my grandfather raised beef cattle.  You don’t want to know what I know.  If you did you’d eat beef well-done too.”  That usually ends that topic of conversation right there.

In my growing up years I was exposed to alcoholics in the family, not the least of which was my Mother and Father.  Knowing my genetics lend a propensity to being one myself, I have actually never even been drunk.  Pure fear of being the way I have seen others behave is a strong antidote to any influence of my genes my makeup contains.   

My life is not without regrets in regard to my health.  I have one BIG one.  I smoked tobacco for several decades and quit only a few years ago.  I always knew this habit was completely contradictory to the remainder of my life.  It just did not fit and often when others who knew me found out I smoked they were surprised saying things like “you just don’t seem like you’d be a smoker”.    

In my 20’s and even 30’s at least as many smoked as did not.  As time passed that became less and less true.  The personal embarrassment became stronger and stronger as those of us who smoked were exorcised to practice their habit out back by the dumpsters or some other awful place.   I realize now as a non-smoker how badly I smelled to those without the habit.  I thought I fooled everyone better than I did.  The only person who was fooled as me!  I have supremely high gratitude the habit is no longer a part of my life.  I feel better than I ever have in my adult life.  

When the smoking habit departed two of my senses became more acute:  sense of smell and sense of taste.  I suppose it goes back to my young hippie days that I love incense and beautiful aromas.  As a non-smoker my ability to enjoy and sort out scents is heightened to be extremely keen today and a great joy.  Also, my sense of taste is much broader and more discerning.  Eating during most of my life was something I just had to do more so than something I truly enjoyed.  That is reversed now.  I love food.  The variety and texture and tastes are much broader and something I enjoy… a little too much! 

My current phase is to lose the extra 25 pounds I have accumulated over the last few years.  Age is a part of it and a lifestyle a bit too sedentary contributes.  Though overall it is my fairly newly acquired love of food that is the primary cause.  My reading recently has included a good deal about losing weight and eating healthfully at the same time.  My discoveries include my love of vegetables and fruit is a good thing.  Growing up on a farm meant those were always around either fresh, canned or put up in the freezer. 

I do however have to tone down my intake of some other foods such as my favorite salty snacks including all kinds of nuts.  In small dozes nuts are great for health, but high in calories.  That is proving to be a tough one for me.  The other little battle I am fighting is that against direct sugars like the granulated sort I put in my coffee and the indirect type I get through my love of carb’s, especially of the refined variety.  Moderating my intake of noodles, bread, rice, tortillas, pretzels, and such is a challenge, but one I am determined to meet! 

I read recently that around 63% of adults in the U.S.were either overweight or obese in 2009.  So far I fit into the overweight category of close to 40% of those in the USA.  Considering myself as out of the ordinary I find my extra weight to be quite ordinary considering these statistics.  Hence, my determination to move into what is classified” normal” which in this country is actually “abnormal” since just a little more than a third of people qualifies.   I have an email address that begins “uniquelyoriginal” and in the particular subject of weight I am determined to live up to that handle. 

Yes, more and better consistent exercise must also be a part of my new way of being, but I am up for the challenge.  With that focus and a change of eating habits I make a commitment here that I will lost around 25 pounds by this time next year, but am going to do the majority of that by the end of 2011!  I am grateful to have you as my witnesses!  Thank you.

More die in the United States of too much food than of too little?  John Kenneth Galbraith

Aging Gracefully in Middle Adulthood

/ James Browning / 1 Comment

My friends have heard me at one time or another make reference to the 20’s being the time of having a “learner’s permit for adulthood” and a period when we change and evolve possibly more than any other time of life.  Feedback from yesterday’s blog where I included that thought led me to go google’ing for what science had to say about the stages of life and human development. 

What I found was psychologists have seriously studied developmental life stages for close to a hundred years dating back to Freud. The first listing I came across was:

Infancy (birth to 2 years)
(Childhood (3-12 years)
Adolescence (13-19 years)
Young adulthood (20-29 years)
Adulthood (30-39 years)
Middle Age (40-54 years)
Old age (55+ years) 

Crap!  Immediately I did not like that list as it placed me in a category I do not see myself in.  Then I did what any red-blooded American does.  If I don’t like the answer I get, I go looking for a different answer!  Upon searching more the discovery was made (thankfully) that the initial life stages list found is considered out of date.  Advancement in longevity made it antiquated.  Whew!  Good! I was not ready to be in the “Old Age” category quite yet. 

The list of basic human development stages most widely accepted today was created by Erik Erikson (1902-1994) who also coined the phrase “identity crisis”.  His list of developmental stages most accepted today are: 

Infancy (birth to 18 months)
Early Childhood (2 to 3 years)
Preschool (3 to 5 years)
School Age (6 to 11 years)
Adolescence (12 to 18 years)
Young Adulthood (19 to 40 years)
Middle Adulthood (40 to 65 years)
Maturity (65 to death) 

Finding this list quenched my thirst for a different answer and I am relieved to know that I am now in “Middle Adulthood”.  Even the definition of this stage is pleasing to me:  Adults need to create or nurture things that will outlast them, often by having children or creating a positive change that benefits other people. Success leads to feelings of usefulness and accomplishment, while failure results in shallow involvement in the world.  “Middle Adulthood” is a much better description of where I currently am than the “Old Age” label. 

On Erikson’s scale “Middle Adulthood” is further described as a time of “Generativity vs. Stagnation”.   I had to look up “Generativity” and discovered it is a widely accepted term created by Erikson meaning the ability or power to generate or produce something.   So it makes sense that “Middle Adulthood” is considered to be a time of work and parenthood.  Those 40-65 years are described as a time of:  concern for establishing and guiding the next generation. It can be expressed in literally hundreds of ways, from raising a child to stopping a tradition of abuse, from writing a family history to restoring land. You try to “make a difference” with your life, to “give back,” to “take care” of your community and your planet. 

OK.  I like that.  I am in my “Middle Adulthood” which is about generating and producing at a time of wanting to give back, make a difference and work to right previous wrongs.  Cool!  Now I am grateful and excited to be in my 50’s. 

A footnote to my reference to younger years in the 20’s being a time of learning through trial and error is reinforced by Erikson’s developmental stages.  In his list the teen years into the 30’s is a time to learn about creating successful relationships through periods of “Identity vs. Role Confusion” and “Intimacy vs. Isolation”.  Ah Ha!  That explains a lot.  Now I understand I am just a late bloomer! 

How old would you be if you didn’t know how old you were?  Satchel Paige

Soulmates: Love that Lasts a Lifetime

/ James Browning / 4 Comments

“Live is what happens to you while you’re busy making other plans” wrote John Lennon in what he said was a favorite song he authored (Beautiful Boy).  That quote is part of my personal sayings reparatory and one that I use often as a reminder that my control over what happens in life is very far from a hundred percentage.  Chance, fate, divine providence, luck and destiny are all descriptions of how those other parts of my life just happen.

Had you asked me when I was a fourteen what was ahead for me I would have responded assuredly there was an advanced degree in the sciences, one marriage based on true love that would last a lifetime, at least three children and comfortable retirement by the time I am fifty or at most fifty-five.  It is profoundly interesting that not a single one of those came to pass.  My profession is completely different and unrelated.  I am divorced and have been married twice.  I have one son and at fifty-seven am not retired.  A wiser perspective of today easily tells me I would not have been happy in the sciences, a try at retirement was boring and I am grateful for the son I do have.  However, I do lament the marriage thing.

In my youth I swallowed the fairy tale hook, line and sinker.  With an unstable home life the dream became even more accentuated.  There was Angela P. who I carried a flame for from the time I was in 4th grade all the way through high school.  I just knew somehow she was the one for me and “happily ever after” would come to pass as long as I did not give up.  Closest I ever got was one date to a junior high school dance where she spent most of the time with other people.  I should have taken that as an early sign that real life was not like the movies.  But being the hapless romantic I was even then did not allow clarity to see that.

KFC has a new video that is just over a minute long and appears to have been made for the Internet and not television.  First, let me say I am not pitching KFC in any shape or form as I do have an issue or two with that company and the food they serve.   What I ask is that you forget about the subtle sales pitch at the beginning and end and enjoy the one minute  in between.   Hopefully one of these links will work for you to watch.

http://youtu.be/8uK-mCxVl84

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8uK-mCxVl84

The video is about young “like” between a boy and girl turning into love and lasting a life time.  It may be fantasy, but surely somewhere in real life this has actually happened.  Hasn’t it?  I hope so for my heart is touched by this story line.

My saga is quite different and even if  love of youth had flourished and moved into adulthood, I would have screwed it up.  At the age of twenty three I was married for the first time.  Looking back now it’s easy to see in many ways I was just a child marrying another child who was a year younger.  Of course in my early twenties I knew most everything about everything and was convinced I had life under my control and domination.  Looking back now I can see what foolish notions those were.  The perspective of today tells me that until around thirty years old or even a little older I was actually just an adult with a “learner’s permit”.  There is a certain realization now I was no where near a full fledged adult until I was at least out of my 20’s.  Being a student of life it is clear for me to see we change and grow as much, if not more, in our twenties that at any other time in our life.

Today I am much wiser but feel a tinge of sadness for those very old dreams and fantasies.  I know most were unrealistic for me and rare happenings for anyone else.  I have to ask myself why do I and so many others hold on so tightly to those youth-full hopes and dreams of “the one”, a “soulmate”, “happily ever after”, “twin flame” and our “other half”.

I am far from alone in my near mystical belief that goes back 2500 years when we have the first written record of it.  As a character in Plato’s “The Symposium“, Aristophanes presents a story about soulmates. It states that humans originally consisted of four arms, four legs, and a single head made of two faces, but Zeus feared their power and split them all in half, condemning them to spend their lives searching for the other half to complete them.  Now at least 125 generations later such thoughts of rare love and soul-mates are stronger than ever.

Being discovered in a restaurant and becoming a movie star, discovering oil on your property, winning the lottery, having a successful career where you are admired by millions, discovering that one thing that makes you a billionaire, to be healthy for 110 years, to discover a rare talent within and be admired for it by the masses and such things are extraordinary occurrences.  Such things do happen though.  It does my soul good today to think of childhood love like in the KFC video and imagine it can grow and last a lifetime.   I think it is the rare nature of such an occurrence that makes it so sought after.  There is much gratitude within for my life in all the shapes it has come in, but I am also grateful for the dreams I carry that go far beyond my experience.  Just knowing something possibly exists somehow, somewhere for someone else enriches my days.

 Keep love in your heart. A life without it is like a sunless garden when the flowers are dead. The consciousness of loving and being loved brings a warmth and a richness to life that nothing else can bring.  Oscar Wilde

FOLLOW-UP:  A co-worker made me aware of another beautiful video similar to the KFC video I gave links for above.   It’s for John Lewis Department Stores in Great Britian.  Enjoy:   http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jYOsWWKHZVw

Employment Gratitude: Why I Work

/ James Browning / 1 Comment

Happy day after the 4th of July!  While the day is actually Tuesday, for millions of Americans back at work today will seem like Monday.  By the time everyone gets used to what day of the work week it is, Friday will be upon us.  Very cool! 

A few years ago I tried being “retired” for close to a year.  OK, more precisely I got fired from a job of 18 years, could have retired and took about a year to sort things out.  I always thought with time on my hands there were about a hundred different things I would finally get to do.  Certainly I had the time, but with the abundance of it I just never seemed to get things moving the way I had always thought I would.  There were a couple of trips that I x’ed off my bucket list.  There was time to read some of those books I never could get caught up on before.  My office finally got organized.  I even started a small business that could have been successful but since it gave me no real joy I didn’t stick with it.  So what did I do?  After about nine months, I gladly reentered the workforce in the profession I have been in most all of my adult life. 

Rejoining the workforce was a lot more exciting initially than it came to be after six months or so.  The early rush of “being back at it” was replaced in time with a more commonplace feeling of grateful acceptance.  One of the benefits I appreciate is having a regular schedule to keep.  I seem to get more done in all parts of my life when I have a routine.  In those months of “retirement” I often lost track of what day it was and with so much time on my hands it was very easy to put off till tomorrow most everything.  Why not!  I had plenty of time.  I came to understand how many who retire don’t last all that long.  Without meaning to, many become lazily complacent which hastens the grim reaper to call. 

So here I am on this Tuesday that feels like a Monday.  My alarm went off early to have time to write here, make breakfast and get ready for work.  I am grateful to have a job to go to.   These days around one in ten Americans would also be thankful to work, if they only had a job.  I count myself as blessed to not be one of them. 

Being a senior manager responsible for close to three dozen people, working in the current economy is a bit more of a challenge that it used to be.  We accomplish more with less than ever before.  Making good decisions and creating successful strategies has an all time importance.  If I screw up, many more than me suffer from my missteps.  This is truer now than any other time in my 30 years of management.  I accept the responsibility readily and understand clearly my role.  It is good to be needed!

To explain better why I chose to go back to work I found some insight in Abraham Maslow’s hierarchy of needs from his 1954 book Motivation and Personality.  The list includes four items Maslow considered essential and necessary before the fifth item on the list is possible to be achieved.

– Biological and Physiological needs – air, food, drink, shelter, warmth, sex, sleep, etc. 
– Safety needs – protection from elements, security, order, law, limits, stability, etc.
– Belongingness and Love needs – work group, family, affection, relationships, etc.
 – Esteem needs – mastery, independence, status, confidence, prestige, etc.
– Self-Actualization needs – fulfillment, morality, personal growth, creativity, etc.

When retired I was able to provide the first two items (Biological/Physiological and Safety needs) from my savings and the life it provided.   Further, I was able to get most, if not all of the third group (Belongingness and Love needs) from friends, spouse and family.  However, I do find today I get a portion of that group of needs from those I work with.

I believe the latter two items, Esteem and Self-Actualization needs, explain well why I chose to reenter the workforce.  I know both areas are healthier within when working at a regular job (at least for now).  I have no doubt that many people can retire and move into doing the things they have always dreamed of to fulfill themselves of the last two needs.  I am just not ready…. Yet!

Finally, I end up with the thought that the reason I had difficulty fulfilling the needs of Esteem and Self-Actualization was simply because I had so many choices.  Literally I could have done most anything, lived just about anywhere and done just about .  Humbly I discovered the blessing of having so many options put me in a position where I simply could not decide on the course I wanted to take.  To me that meant I was not ready to be retired.  In time I believe that will change, but for now I am grateful, content and happy to be working for a living.

When I work I relax; doing nothing makes me tired.  Pablo Picasso

More of Myself Than Yesterday

/ James Browning / 2 Comments

Each evening near bedtime and when I first wake up each morning in my thoughts are questions like “What am I grateful for today?  What am I going to write about on my goodmorninggratitude.com blog?”  These simple little questions asked of myself so consistently have been profoundly life changing.  The more I find to be grateful for, the longer my gratitude list becomes.

This morning the answer to the usual gratitude quandaries brought new questions instead of answers.  “Am I grateful for myself?  Am I thankful for me?”  My mind is lightning fast at pointing out my shortcomings and mistakes.  My thinking self is expert at chiding my feeling self for any and all indiscretions and missteps.  After stepping past that insidious nature of my thinking the answer to my quandary this morning is “yes, I am grateful for me, but not enough”.

So I began to conduct an internal interview asking things like:  “what about me am I the most thankful for?  What ability do I have I should be most grateful for?  What have I been able to accomplish that I take the most satisfaction in?”  As I began the self examination, the mental judge and jury created their usual negative noise but thankfully I have learned to largely ignore it.  (How about that!  There’s something about me to be grateful for:  the learned ability to not listen too much to my ego’s judgment machine.)

What else about me do I have gratitude for?  My first thought after asking that question again was I am thankful that I have taken better than average care of my body and am healthy.  Much of it was pure luck and not directed intention, but the gratitude is not diminished by that.

Within I find thanks for the mind that I have.  Certainly it’s questioning, always wanting to learn, inability to be still and always trying to make sense of everything can be exhausting.  However, the rewards of a searching and seeking mind far exceed the burden. 

When I was younger I thought as a man my emotional and caring nature was a weakness.  Now I know I just had to grow into the “coat of feeling” I wore.  It was simply too large for me when I was young, but fits well now most of the time.  There is thankfulness to possess the gift of feeling so deeply and to have worn it through the years without letting experience wear it out.

Again I sit here asking myself what I am grateful for about me, the answers do not readily come.  It even feels a bit self indulgent to look for things.  Now popping into my head are things I have accomplished that I have pride about and thankfulness for.  My career has been good and successful.  I grew into being a good father.  Being a good friend to those close to me I am better at than average.  Further, on my list of accomplishments is everything from becoming a pilot to developing photography skills good enough to be published and work professionally.  Yet, such things do not impress me that much any more.  They just feel like my ego talking.

Once upon a time I fancied myself something of a poet and worked hard on that craft.  Often I would write poetry for someone and give it to them as a gift keeping no copy of what I created.  In my heart of hearts, there is much gratefulness that I appreciate and enjoy poetry.  These days appreciating poetry is something of a passing sentiment and poems are largely relegated to the past now.  Just writing the two previous lines made me realize how grateful I am that I once found pleasure in trying to create verse.  Most of what I wrote in my youth was brooding, introspective and often concerned issues within a relationship or one that had failed.  In retrospect, writing those poems was a good coping mechanism.  Not being able to remember the specific subject of each poem I wrote back then allows me today to better appreciate the little webs of words spun back then.

The shadows of springtime slowly fall with the day,
And I find myself wondering with so little to say.
Why do things you’re not supposed to touch, feel the best?
Why do things you not supposed to see, look better than the rest?

 OR 

If life were only a day,
Then in my last hour I’d think back
To search my mind’s lines and creases
To remember all of my day’s bits and pieces.
Somewhere between nameless faces
And almost forgotten places,
I’d come across a thought of you….
And smile.

Those were written the year I turned 21 and finding them last week in an old journal has been an eye opener.  I had all but forgotten about what capacity I had to string words together into something of a poem.  The desire to attempt to write poetry has long lay dormant.  But it has now been awaked and I am curious to see if I can still piece together such creations.  I will try my hand at it in the coming days.

As I better learn the path of gratitude, I have discovered what appears to be a clear truth.  Whenever I focus and begin to ask myself what I am grateful for, I always find things to be thankful for.  Further, what is abundantly clear to me now is when I am able to keep that focus of gratefulness for a short while; something mostly unnoticed usually rises to the top of my gratitude stack of the day.

I began writing today in a wandering and somewhat disoriented fashion as I attempted to focus and find items about myself I am grateful for.  And in doing so I rediscovered that little bit of a poet that resides in my soul.  At this moment I feel like I am more of myself than yesterday simply because I remembered some good about me I had essentially  forgotten.  No matter how humble or remarkable a life may seem, each of us has forgotten riches within just waiting to be rediscovered.

May you never forget what is worth remembering, not ever remember what is best forgotten.  Irish Blessing

Pretty Ugly and Awfully Good

/ James Browning / 1 Comment

Marek looked at me with a very confused look when I answered his question “How did you sleep last night?” My reply was “awfully good”.  Thinking he did not understand me I said it again to which he replied “was sleep awful or good?” 

In another conversation during the same trip I was asked by someone what I liked most and least about Warsaw, the city I was visiting.  Thinking for a moment before speaking I answered “we spent over half a day in Old Town.  That is a very cool place.  I just love the look and feel of it.”  Pausing for a moment to come up with something that would not offend my hosts I continued “As for something I like least I think it would the big dark, plain and grimy apartment buildings on the edge of town.  Those are pretty ugly.”   A puzzled look came of both faces of the two people I was standing and talking to.  A man listening asked me in his heavy accent “which, pretty or ugly?” 

It is the nature of many people in Eastern Europe to enjoy alcohol more than many and each business day is often capped with a time of evening drinking.  The favored drink is beer and I can always remember the brand I preferred.  It is called “Okocim Porter”.  For me the brand is easy to remember because the first two letters are the same as the abbreviation for my home state.  Plus the English sounding second part of the name, “Porter”, always struck me as odd to be part of the name of a Polish beer.   

During this particular business trip I think I created my biggest amusement for my Polish friends at a cocktail party one evening.  The previous night I had experienced a really good time at a similar gathering for drinking; a little too good actually.  Unaccustomed to beer with 8-9% alcohol content I ended up getting looped.  Not completely drunk, but not completely sober either.

Knowing I had left early the previous night due to my “happy” condition a guest at the cocktail party asked how I got back to the hotel.   My reply was “Janusz carried me”.  I was standing with a group of four or five people and a puzzled look came over all their faces.  One finally said something like “your hotel is a long way.  Janusz really picked you up and carried you there last night?”  As he spoke he made a motion like one might make if picking up something heavy and I instantly realized I had misspoke.  I said “took me in his car” to correct the impression that a man had literally carried me back to my hotel.  Everyone burst out in laughter.  One said “you speak funny English”. 

Starting within a few years after the fall of communism I was professionally involved as a consultant with a media company in Poland for about a decade.  It was one of the high points of my life so far.  I hosted Polish visitors here in the US at least eight or ten times and I visited Poland several times as well.  I got to know quite well the two men who were the senior managers for the company I was consulting.  One of them became a good friend and I am still in contact with Janusz today.  

When I first met the first two Poles, they were visiting here in the states.  The men were new to my type business they were undertaking at home and our management team had taken on the job of teaching them as much as we could.  This initial visit was for two weeks.  We took turns teaching our guests in the daytime and entertaining them during evenings and weekends. 

On a Monday morning, imagine my surprise when I asked the Poles where one of our management group had taken them on Sunday and the reply was “Gerry took us to hookers”.  It was a very uncomfortable few seconds as I thought surely they had not visited prostitutes, but for a blink or two I honestly thought that might be a possibility.  Being new to Polish customs and habits I just did not know.  My reply was a very puzzled “really?” with about ten question marks accenting my one word statement.  Then the other visitor who spoke better English apparently saw my distress and chimed in with “Hooters, Gerry took us to Hooters”.  What a relief!  We all had a great laugh and it is a favorite funny story to tell even today.  

Deep within there is much gratitude for the people in Poland I got to know.  I gained many insights and learned at least as much as I was able to teach.  I remember clearly being at dinner in Warsaw one evening eating a lot and drinking a bit more when my friend Janusz remarked that he could not imagine us being enemies, but our fathers had been.  Then we toasted our friendship. 

One of the most lasting remnants of my Polish education was to pay attention to what I say and how I put words together.  I believe today I have eliminated things like “pretty ugly” and “awfully good” from my vocabulary.  I do have some fun here and there with my awareness.  When asking someone how they are, the frequent reply is “pretty good”.  My response is usually something like “So you’re pretty and you’re good.  That’s awesome that you have such a good self imagine and you are doing well.”   Most don’t get it, but each time I am presented that opportunity I am grateful to be reminded of my friends in Poland and the gratitude I have for my times with them. 

English is a funny language; that explains why we park our car on the driveway and drive our car on the parkway.  Author Unknown

Gypsies, Jews, Rednecks and Black Sheep

/ James Browning / 3 Comments

 

Once upon a time I worked for a manager named Marvin.  At the time he and I had known each other for close to a decade and worked together previously as peers in a different city where we first met.  As friends we got along well and our work relationship was a good one.  

Marvin hired me in my early 30’s as a middle manager in Denver and things were going well.  I was able to make a difference in the business, enjoyed working for him and was shown appreciation regularly.  One day I was very excited about the great deal I had gotten for the company and hurried into Marvin’s office to tell him about it.  What had been accomplished was described in animated detail and I ended the story with “I jew’ed ‘em down pretty good didn’t I?”.  I watched Marvin’s face turn to pale and then red and to this day I remember vividly his reaction.  He said “don’t ever say anything like that in front of me again.  If I did not know you so well I would have come over my desk at you.  I know you meant no offense, but that phrase is extremely offensive to me”.  I imagine you sorted out that my friend Marvin was Jewish. 

For a good while I was embarrassed by what I had said and my apologies to Marvin were numerous.  Being the good man that he was, he told me to forget it and meant it.  It took me a good bit longer to forgive myself.  In my introspection then I realized I had grown up hearing that phrase in an area where there were no Jews, Catholics, Lutherans, Mormons or any faith outside of traditional Christian ones.  All I knew was those folks were people like me, but went to a different church just like Methodists and Baptists did.  

At nineteen I had a buddy who was a Jew and attended synagogue with him. I did not understand the service exactly, but respected its traditions and those attending.  The same was true in my when I attended church with a girl I dated who was Catholic.    

After the incident in Denver I began to take inventory of other things I said from time to time that I really did not know the meaning of.  I discovered there were a few other pejoratives in my vocabulary.  First there was use of the terms “gyped” (verb) and “gyp” (noun) that referred to being ripped off or the person who ripped one off.  With a little work at a library I discovered that the use of these expressions was a racial slur against Gypsies. Lacking a population of Gypsies in the Deep South, this had honestly never occurred to me.  As far as I knew there had never been an occasion where I had offended anyone with that term except possibly those who knew generally it was derogatory slang.  Another term x’ed off my repertory of expression. 

Later I heard my self make reference to a “black sheep” in conversation one day.  I offended no one (that I know of) but mentally caught the phrase and a little homework later educated me on its meaning.  I found “black sheep” is a derogatory colloquialism meaning an outsider or one who is different in a way which others disapprove of or find odd. The term originated from the fact that the occasional black sheep will be born into a herd of white sheep. Black sheep were considered undesirable because their wool cannot be dyed, and there weren’t enough to make black wool. I feared before doing research that is was a slam against people with dark skin and was relieved that in general it wasn’t.  However, I felt it could be construed that way by some and another expression was removed form my usable list.  

My personal standard is to never speak words offensive to people of any particular race, creed, background or color.  Now I am working on deleting “redneck” from my vocabulary.  Considering I think of myself as being descended proudly from a long line ofAlabamarednecks progress on complete elimination of that one is taking a lot longer than the others.  “Redneck” is a historically derogatory slang term used in reference to poor white farmers in theSouthern United States.  In more recent times the term has had its meaning expanded to mean bigoted, loutish, and opposed to modern ways.  While I am the former (descendant of poor white farmers), I mean no disrespect by using the derogatory meanings.  So that one has to go too! 

I am still trying to sort out why we often use “right” to mean “correct”.  Is that is some sort of a put down to people who are left- handed?  Any input on that one would would be appreciated.

This line of growth all began with my boss back in my young executive days that I innocently, or rather ignorantly, indirectly slammed because of his faith.  My restitution has been to seek to eliminate all such words and phrases from how I speak.   As we all are a combination of bits and pieces borrowed from others stirred in with our unique self, I will always be grateful to Marvin R. for being a good boss, an understanding friend and for bringing to life an awareness that is with me still today. 

It’s better to keep your mouth shut and give the impression that you’re stupid than to open it and remove all doubt. Rami Belson

Albert Einstein: The Man Behind the Scientist

/ James Browning / 4 Comments

As a youngster and through my teen years one of my heroes was Albert Einstein.  In those days I thought I was going to grow up to be a man of science.  Of course I picked the most famous scientist of the 20th century to admire!  In retrospect I realize then I looked up to the fame and notoriety and not the man.  Learning about Einstein as a person came about later in my adult life. 

Even with all the wonders of his brain, Albert Einstein was a far from perfect man.  His first child, a daughter, was born out of wedlock.  Later there were two more children with the woman who became his wife that he later left.  Without ever divorcing his first wife Albert later remarried his first maternal cousin who was also his second paternal cousin.   

Life has a way of revealing more and more of my faults and imperfections the longer I live.  It seems a portion of the wisdom possible is wrapped up in making peace with the mistakes I have made and me finding acceptance of my less than balanced and sometimes darker nature.  The longer I live the more errors I accumulate to potentially learn from.  The deeper into life my years take me the farther the depths of mining into my true nature can go.  The phrase “aging is mandatory, wisdom is optional” means some learn much from this passing of their time, others not nearly so much.  Einstein learned a lot. 

From the book “Albert Einstein:  The Human Side” here are some excerpts from letters to friends and family that show his growth as a person and his insight into life:

With fame I become more and more stupid, which, of course, is a very common phenomenon.  There is far too great a disproportion between what one is and what others think one is, or at least what they say they think one is.   

A happy man is too contented with the present to think much about the future. 

The foundation of all human values is morality. 

O youth:  Do you know that yours is not the first generation to yearn for a life full of beauty and freedom?

Your fervent wishes can only find fulfillment if you succeed in attaining love and understanding of men, and animals and plants and stars so that every joy becomes your joy and every pain your pain.   

What I see in Nature is a magnificent structure that we can comprehend only very imperfectly, and that must fill a thinking person with a feeling of “humility”.  This is a genuinely religious feeling. 

Wisdom is not a product of schooling but of the lifelong attempt to acquire it.

Nothing truly valuable arises from ambition or from a mere sense of duty; it stems rather from love and devotion. 

Learn to be happy through the happiness and joy of your fellows.  If you can find room within yourselves for this natural feeing, your every burden in life will be light, or at least bearable, and you will find your way in patience and without fear, and will spread joy everywhere. 

Never regard your study as a duty, but as the enviable opportunity to learn.   

Humanity has every reason to place the proclaimers of high moral standards and values above the discoverers of objective truth.  What humanity owes to personalities like Buddha, Moses and Jesus ranks for me higher than all the achievements of the enquiring and constructive mind. 

The pursuit of truth and beauty is a sphere of activity in which we are permitted to remain children all our lives. 

More and more I come to value charity and love of one’s fellow being above everything else. 

And in his old age Dr. Einstein was also something of a poet:
Everyone’s greeting me today
In the nicest possible way.
Heartfelt words from far and near
Have come from people I hold dear;
And presents, too, to satisfy
Even a gourmet such as I.
They’re doing all one possible can
To satisfy an aged man.
In tone like sweetest melody
They beautify the day for me.
Now the long day nears its end
And greetings to you all I send.

Today I know that one of my heroes, Albert Einstein had many flaws and made numerous mistakes.  He was as human as the rest of us.  With the passing of his years, he seemed to become more and more a philosopher.  It is his deep and personal thoughts that entrench most him within as one of my heroes.  I am grateful that a scientist with so much fame left us with the thoughts of the man he became.  E(instein) was equal to a lot more than M C squared!  

It’s better to be hated for what you are than to be loved for what you’re not.  Marilyn Monroe