Self Awareness

Do You Care? Can I Trust You? Will You Help?

/ James Browning / 1 Comment

Throughout my life, inwardly I have always been a deeply feeling person.  Only in recent years have I been secure enough to outwardly allow myself to be openly seen as I actually am. Previously only a very few allowed close were able to see at least a little of the real me.  Even then most was still tucked away from their sight.  

Others outside a handful of people were allowed only to see the façade I projected:  confident, secure, in control and driven.  I was very good at playing that part.  Too good!  Those images were perceived by most as factual when being driven by a determined and almost blind ambition was the only accuracy.  Being highly motivated without a good sense of direction is much like a car stuck in the mud, “petal to the metal”, engine racing, tires spinning, slinging mud, and going no where while getting stuck more and more by digging a deeper and deeper hole.  Sounds like a good deal of my life! 

Now I can state openly I have never had a consistent feeling of confidence.  The only feeling of security I have ever had previously was the lack of it.  I only knew being in control of being out of control.  And my drive for so long came as much from running away as it did from running toward anything.  It feels good to honestly admit publically the turmoil that was truthfully going on inside me for decades.  Doing so makes me feel human, normal and “perfectly imperfect”. 

Have things changed drastically now?  Yes and no.  The old stuff is still there and that layer will always be with me.  Now however, there is a new stratum of acceptance and self-confidence that comes from simply knowing my self better AND being accepting of me.  My current awareness shows me much of my emotional disconnect and discomfort came from wanting to be different than I was.  Living today I have grown to be more than I once was, yet I have not really changed.  Inside is who I have always been though through self acceptance now I am so much more than I used to be.     

The questions I have so long asked inside about others are the big three:
1) Do you care about me?
2) Can I trust you?
3) Will you help me?
Finding “yes” answers for all three is essential for me to find a genuine and meaningful connection with another person.  

In his blog “Success Begins Today” John Richardson quotes John Maxwell:  “The ability to communicate and connect with others is a major determining factor in reaching your potential. To be successful, you must work with others. To do that at your absolute best, you must learn to connect.”  Mr. Richardson goes on to say “…connecting does not come naturally. It’s something that you need to learn and fine tune.”  True connection he defines as: “freedom from deceit, hypocrisy, or duplicity; probity in intention or in communicating; earnestness.”    http://successbeginstoday.org/wordpress/2011/07/making-a-true-connection/  

Like many people I had to learn to connect and my learning curve was steeper than for many. For me there were no childhood mentors showing the way.  Instead I taught myself through trial and error.  As a student of myself I have been a slow learner.  There is a positive element in gaining knowledge slowly as most often lessons learned gradually are lessons learned well.  I regret there is a trail of damaged relationships behind me left in the wake of my learning through experimentation within the laboratory of life.  

Today what you see is what you get.  I am no longer hidden away with the light of my truth hidden under a basket.  Coming here each day and presenting myself just as am will cause some to be disbelieving or even put off by my openness.  That’s OK.  There is acceptance within for “not being able to please all the people all the time”.  I don’t even try any more.  Presenting my honest and true self to the world is a wonderful people sorting mechanism.  Showing my real and true self causes people good for me to be attracted closer and those not so good to be repelled.    

I find knowing my inner reality more accurately allows me to make better choices.  When I can escape having my full attention on my thoughts and instead focus the majority of my awareness upon what I feel, I make the best choices.  Call it instinct, spirit, gut, heart, intuition or whatever… it never lies and almost always points me in the directions best for me.  

When you’re a beautiful person on the inside, there is nothing in the world that can change that about you.  Jealousy is the result of one’s lack of self-confidence, self-worth, and self acceptance.  The Lesson:  If you can’t accept yourself, then certainly no one else will.  Sasha Azevedo 

Art from:  http://puleo-artbrut.com/

Passing of Time is All in My Head

/ James Browning / 2 Comments

Short of the point of being an off-putting obsession, I have a “thing” about time.  I love clocks.  There’s at least one in every room in my home including the bathrooms. Except when I am at home on my wrist is a watch.  I am usually conscious naturally of what day it is.  If not the specific date and day, I always have a prominent date I can count from.  For the most part this awareness is a healthy practice for me as I cherish each and every day of my life.  As I have less and less time remaining the more treasured is the remainder I have. 

To remind myself of the value of time, one of my occasional exercises is taking stock of the hours and days of my life.  Ten days ago I celebrated my 58th birthday.  Using that date as a hash mark along with seventy-six years as an average American male life expectancy I can do some sobering calculations.

As of my latest birthday I have lived 21,170 days or 508,080 hours which represents 76% of the life span of an average male in the USA.  Conversely, I have 6,570 days remaining which accounts for 157,680 hours or about 24% of my life remaining.  Of course, when my life ends is beyond me to calculate or guess at.  However, this little exercise drives home how valuable the time I have is.  

Once I started calculating last eveningI went off on a few other tangents and will share two.  Sleeping on average around 7 ½ hours each night I spend the equivalent of 114 days (31%) of each year sleeping.  Being blessed with a very short fifteen minute commute to and from work I spend 2 ½ hours weekly in the car for that purpose (on a yearly basis it totals five full 24-hour days commuting).  Once upon a time I lived in large cities and spent hours each day commuting.  Much thankfulness is within not to be doing that today.

I know there are specific areas of the brain I use in my perception of time.  I have my own internal timekeeper called a circadian rhythm.  It’s an instinctive attribute that makes me aware of time passing and plays a part in waking and sleeping patterns. However, the actual passing of time as I perceive it is deemed by science as subjective.  Consequently, my perception of time duration is variable and not necessarily measurable in any exact scientific units.  In other words, my time awareness is “all in my head”. 

While it is not my intention to get “too deep”, to make my case I want to bring up a concept of a human being’s perception of time.  The “Kappa Effect” generally speaking means a faster journey over more distance will still appear more time-consuming than a slower journey over less distance.  That does help me to understand why at first glance the 58 years lived so far feels more time-consuming than the remaining distance that could be lived somewhat slower. 

Being the sort of person who has always had a rebellious soul, I don’t plan to just let the time left click off the clock.  It is my belief time can be made to feel longer by how rich I cause my life to be with experiences and activity if I am mindful and living in the “now”.  Psychology Today defines mindfulness as a state of active, open attention on the present. When you’re mindful, you observe your thoughts and feelings from a distance, without judging them good or bad. Instead of letting your life pass you by, mindfulness means living in the moment and awakening to experience.

Mindfulness means I need to do my best to think less and be aware more, to live in the here and now of my experience instead of the ‘there and then’ of my thoughts.  To do so stretches time in exactly the same way new experience does: because I give more attention to my experience, I take in more information from it.  So at least to some extent I can control time. It doesn’t have to continue to speed up as I get older. My perception of time is like so many things; “it’s all in my head”.

But what minutes!  Count them by sensation, and not by calendars, and each moment is a day.  Benjamin Disraeli

Learning to be Still: Solitude or Loneliness?

/ James Browning / 3 Comments

Six years ago after surviving a category 5 hurricane on Grand Cayman where I was living at the time and months later recovering from injuries received in a nasty car accident here at home, I found myself in a far different place.  Well, I thought so anyway.  In my mind I was relatively sure then of my arrival at a higher and distinct level of awareness.  And I had arrived, but to a much lesser degree than I thought at the time.  What really had happened was a change had begun in earnest, but had only just started.  Being embroiled still in old behaviors my life then was a contradiction of the new I was gaining understanding of versus the old dysfunctions that were deeply engrained and still practiced. 

Those were the days when I set out on one of the most frustrating projects I ever attempted.  Once settled after moving back stateside and with a left arm that worked again after the accident, I began the attempt to write a book called “Learning to be Still”.  At the time I thought truly my experiences had taught me how.  However, the turmoil internally created conflict that made my belief only an illusion.  In trying to write about being still, I came to know that I really had no idea how. 

While I am still not fully prepared to honestly write a book about “being still”, living alone for over four years now has taught me much about loneliness and solitude.  Those lessons I know now are big steps in “learning to be still”. 

Loneliness for me is a negative state and causes me to feel a sense of isolation. When directed by that feeling, I feel like something is missing. I discovered I could be with people and still feel lonely for someone else—for me perhaps the most bitter form of loneliness I have ever experienced.  Feeling lonely can not be sated easily or quickly and trying to do so only brings more difficulty for me. 

In time I discovered solitude which I now think of as a state of being alone without being lonely. When I am able to be content in solitude I find it to be a positive and constructive state of being in touch with myself.  Only in recent times have I comprehended that solitude is a state of being alone when I can provide myself with good and sufficient company.  Being alone no longer is the unsettling experience it previously was… at least most of the time. 

Loneliness always feels harsh.  For me being lonely is a state of deficiency, a state of discontent marked by a sense of estrangement and an awareness of excess aloneness.  My belief is loneliness is a feeling of depression resulting from my thoughts and feelings about being by myself.  More than anything it is my state of mind concerning being alone that turns alone-ness in to loneliness. 

On the other hand, solitude is a time I use for reflection, inner searching, meditation, growth and self-enjoyment. I do my best reading and comprehension in solitude.  Thinking and creativity are usually sharper too.  Solitude brings me peacefulness stemming from a feeling of inner richness. When it is upon me I can enjoy the quiet and whatever it brings as satisfying and from it I can draw sustenance. Solitude did not come easily to me nor does it always come when I want it to.  It is something I continue to cultivate out of the ground of loneliness.

Solitude is something I choose. Loneliness is imposed on me by my thoughts of lack.  Solitude is when “I” am enough.  Loneliness is when “I” am not.

Solitude restores my body and mind. Loneliness depletes me. Solitude refreshes and renews me.  Loneliness exhausts me. 

In researching the subject of loneliness and solitude it is evident to me we humans are social animals. We need to spend time together to be happy and functional, and we extract a vast array of benefits from maintaining intimate relationships and associating with groups.

But I also found an emerging body of research suggesting spending time alone can be good for us — that certain tasks and thought processes are best carried out without anyone else around.  The data I have found indicates even the most socially motivated among us should regularly be taking time to ourselves if we want to have fully developed personalities, and be capable of focus and creative thinking.

Frequently as has happened before to me, I have learned a hard, but good lesson from the school of life.  It took me growing past a feeling of mostly “knowing it all” to allow the teaching to take place.  And at times that growth can come only when life has clubbed me to the point I have no choice but to give in and open up.  Growing into a sense of awe, adventure and openness to learn about life has benefited me beyond what I can logically explain.  I know I did not do it alone.  To those people who care about me who have aided my progress and growth, thank you.  To the powers beyond me that have guided my path, I am very grateful. 

True silence is the rest of the mind, and is to the spirit what sleep is to the body, nourishment and refreshment.  William Penn

Learned Optimism vs. the Habit of Pessimism

/ James Browning

About five years ago in a used book store I stumbled across a copy of “What You Can Change and What You Can’t” by Martin Seligman, Ph.D.  As an amateur student of psychology and being my own personal “lab rat” to experiment on, I found this book interesting and enlightening.  

At the book’s basic crux Seligman covers a spectrum of human conditions and how each may or may not be changed.  At one end of the range he notes sexual preference which can’t be changed.  At the other end of the scale Seligman places phobias which with about 90% effectiveness can be overcome.  In the middle are conditions that can be moderated with treatment, but not changed.  Reading this book gave me a good framework of Seligman’s research and theories that helped as I moved deeper into his work.  

Martin Seligman is well known in clinical circles and considered to be one of the more innovative psychology researchers today.  Sometimes controversial, often groundbreaking, he studies positive psychology, learned helplessness, depression, optimism and pessimism. The second book by Seligman I discovered is titled “Learned Optimism: How To Change Your Mind And Your Life” and this one rocked my world!  

The key premise of “Learned Optimism” turns traditional “positive thinking” beliefs on their head by clearly illustrating that “Non-negative thinking” (not “positive thinking”) is the key to success in all parts of life. Seligman wrote: “The optimistic individual makes the most of his talent.”  The optimistic individual perseveres.”  A pessimistic person often comes to believe their actions are futile and thereby learn to become helpless with depression not far behind.    

So, what separates optimistic people from more pessimistic people? Seligman says it’s the way we explain events and outcomes to ourselves. If something good happens to us, how do we explain it? Was it luck? Or was it the result of our talent? 

If something bad happens to us, how do we explain that? Is it that conditions just weren’t right? Or did the bad event happen because we’re somehow horribly flawed as individuals? Will this flaw eternally damn us in all other endeavors? 

Seligman says optimists and pessimists attribute the reasons for success and failure differently. Pessimists usually think failure and bad events are permanent, personal, and pervasive factors. Optimists tend to credit bad events to non-personal, non-permanent, and non-pervasive factors.   

Thinking adverse parts of life are permanent and unchangeable brings pessimism.  Believing negative elements of life will go away or can be overcome is a key to being an optimist.  Seligman writes: “Finding temporary and specific causes for misfortune is the art of hope. … Finding permanent and universal causes for misfortune is the practice of despair.” 

“Learned Optimism” includes a quiz to determine one’s own levels of optimism and pessimism.  You can take it on line for free:  http://www.stanford.edu/class/msande271/onlinetools/LearnedOpt.html 

Being pessimistic at times does have its place.  Without it I can lose touch with reality.  Pessimism is useful because it forces me to confront situations and change direction when necessary.  Being relentlessly optimistic could cause me to be somewhat blinded to reality.  It is pessimism that brings me down to stark reality when I need it.  But in majority I live with an optimistic mindset permeating my life.  

How I think is as much habit as anything else.  When I was more accustomed to seeing things negatively and believed I could only expect more of the same that is exactly what I found.  When I expected bad stuff and expected it the sky seemed to rain crap on me all the time.  Training my self to be more objective and allowing negative thoughts to be balanced with optimistic thinking has had a tremendous impact on my well being. 

Don’t worry I am not delusional and live in some false state of bliss.  I just don’t dwell on the bad stuff.  Simply fighting off the quick-sand of negative thought with weapons like “I am not going to think anymore about it” or “stop it, you’ve done enough of that” consistently over time has pointed my life in a different direction.  Through this learning experience I have become much more grateful.  Thankfulness is fertile ground for optimism, hope and faith.  I know of no greater sweeteners for living my life. 

Seligman’s book “Authentic Happiness” helped me further hone my ability to live with optimism and gratitude.  And I have just begun reading his new book “Flourish”.  Thank you Dr. Seligman for all the goodness you and your work have brought to my life! 

A composer can have all the talent of Mozart and a passionate desire to succeed, but if he believes he cannot compose music, he will come to nothing. He will not try hard enough. He will give up too soon when the elusive right melody takes too long to materialize.  Martin Seligman

Like Wind Through a Tree

/ James Browning / 2 Comments

When the visitor used to come to call my life had much less color and texture.  The variance of hues and shades meant almost nothing.  To look into another’s face and make direct eye contact I rarely did during those times for fear each person would figure out what was going on and think less of me.      

My ability to look ahead to what tomorrow, next week or next year might contain was usually shrouded with a dark and dense mist when the guest was around.  My only clarity of perception seemed to be when I looked over my shoulder at the past.  In those looks backward I usually found the thunder and lightning of old “storms” to relive and endure.   

When the caller was nearby to eat became an obligation.  At best, the texture and flavor of food was bland and uninteresting.  I had little appetite except when I compulsively ate every thing in sight, but tasted little of it.  

The visitor lead me often to wish I worked somewhere else, was in a different profession or did not have to work at all. Focusing on anything in order to do a job well was difficult because of all the distractions within my mental whirlwind.  Thoughts bounced like a ball in a pinball machine with flashes and noise containing at best only momentary substance.  

While the traveler was with me thoughts of getting lost in the world traveling vagabond style or joining the Peace Corps were always strong.  I felt compelled then to run away and disappear, to be anywhere but “here”.  I twisted those true lifetime hopes and dreams of free travel or service into escape routes from my life. 

The visitor and I most often holed up in my home, daydreaming with the TV on, escaping into movies while rarely speaking or seeing any one else unless I had to.  When my “guest” came to call I felt a general gloominess about life seasoned heavily with sadness for the past and despair about future prospects. 

My visitor’s name is spelled with 10 letters and starts with a “D”.  It is called Depression.  Until a few years ago I all knew was for a few days each month I went through a time when nothing mattered much and I folded into myself.  At those times my self view was distorted and quite displeasing.  Flaws, imperfections and old mistakes came to call as I tried to find a way to undo them or find a fix.  Of course I never did and trying to do so was like pouring gasoline on a fire.  

Life is different today.  My diagnosis is “moderate cycling depression”.  Luckily I don’t have to deal with the deep, dark pits of despair many have to cope with (I am very grateful!).  Through lots of work on my own researching, meditating and studying I have come to understand my condition.  There has been some professional assistance.  While thankful for their help, they served mainly to throw some little light on my path so I would take another step… then another.  The work to overcome and manage my depression was something only I could do. 

Today, I can feel my old friend “D” before it is actually near.  As depression begins to show on my horizon, life starts to lose a bit of its zing and my mind starts to spin with old “what happened’s” and future “what if’s”.  Coping is mostly about understanding.  I know the moderate depression will live with me for several days and no longer try to fight it when it comes.  Rather, I do my best to let it pass through me like wind that shakes a tree’s limbs as it goes by but does no real damage.  I read once if wind did not regularly move a tree the roots would be so weak even a one time gentle breeze would knock the tree over.  Today I use the “wind” of my depression to make me stronger in much the same way.  

Anymore the cycling depression does not bother me a lot.  When that “wind” comes I know I won’t get much done at work or at home, will sleep a bit more, keep to myself  and have more than usual couch TV time.  I accept that and it’s OK.  Giving up my resistance to it and just letting the depression pass through me has made the condition at worst a largely minor irritant.  I don’t fear it, hate it, fight it or feel less than because of it anymore. 

One might think only a fool would be grateful for depression, and I can’t say I am one of them.  However I am thankful for the lessons it is teaching me.  By accepting my condition and being willing to bear it makes my roots stronger.  Paying attention to where my mind goes when depressed frequently points to areas I either need to work on or make peace with. 

Acceptance of the way things are and finding ways to learn from difficulty is proving to be one of the greatest learning experiences of my life.  It is impossible to completely master such teachings, but in my attempts and the resulting wisdom I am blessed.  When I am grateful for what “is”, my hopes are strengthened and my blessings are multiplied.   

Attitude is Everything by Portia Nelson
Chapter 1
I walk down the street.
there is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I fall in.
I am lost…I am helpless.
It isn’t my fault.
It takes forever to find a way out.
Chapter 2
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I pretend I don’t see it.
I fall in again.
I can’t believe I am in the same place.
Bit it isn’t my fault.
It still takes a long time to get out.
Chapter 3
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I see it is there.
I still fall in….it’s a habit.
My eyes are open.
I know where I am
It is my fault.
I get out immediately.
Chapter 4
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I walk around it.
Chapter 5
I walk down another street

Learning to Love Myself

/ James Browning / 2 Comments

In retrospect I  clearly see a much different past view of myself than the one visible to me today.  Now when glancing in my mental “rear-view mirror” my old behavior is much easier to explain and understand.  Those were the days when my feelings were often thoughts of not measuring up.  No matter what I accomplished it was rarely good enough.  Achievement most often felt flawed.  I frequently nitpicked what was good in my life until there were defects with them of my own creation.

In the past I spent so much time wanting to be loved and hoping love would find me.   My yearning was so engulfing I did not see the special love I sought even when it was before me.  I searched for something I felt empty and lost without.  The reason that the love I so desperately sought eluded me was due to looking in the wrong places.  From the vantage point of now I can see I wanted someone to fill me up with love, which is not how life works.  What I needed had to happen from the “inside out”. 

Those were the days when being alone for more than a few days made me crazy.  I was like some battery that needed badly to be recharged, but could not charge itself.  Love was something I could only see happening to me through some external source.  Simply, I did not love myself.  The energy, the feeling, and the charge I wanted so much needed to come from within myself.  But then I did not know how.     

Today I know that loving my self is mainly about self-respect.  It seems to be the only dependable way I have control over creating love for myself.  In the past when expecting love from an external source, and someone or something did not fulfill my void and fantasies I felt worse than before.  I have learned that no one could love me until I loved myself.  I am able to receive no more love than the amount of love I have for me.  

Attending church in my youth was just something I was made to do.  I got little from it then, or at least that is what I thought.  Turns out, there was quite a bit retained.  It just took many years for me to connect the dots and find anything meaningful about what I learned in Sunday school.  Once thing I do remember comes from the Bible and is found in Corinthians:  

Love is patient,
Love is kind.
It does not envy,
It does not boast,
It is not proud.
It is not rude,
It is not self-seeking,
It is not easily angered,
It keeps no record of wrongs.
Love does not delight in evil
But rejoices with the truth.
It always protects,
Always trusts,
Always hopes,
Always perseveres.
Love does not fail. 

In secular expression, similar thinking is found in the poem “I Must Love Myself” by J. Earl Evans: 

Before I can begin
to love anyone else,
I have to find a way
to first love myself.
Loving myself should be
an easy thing to do.
If I can pat you
on the back,  I can do
the same for me too.
I have to learn to love myself
this is true.
Because no one can love me
as much as I do.
I must find a way
to give myself a break,
and be able  to love myself
no matter what it takes.
I’m not alone
feeling the way I do.
I hope to one day love myself,
just as much as I love you. 

I imagine if I sat here and thought for a good while I could create a fairly long list of the ingredients I used to fall in love with myself.  The items listed would range from the little things to what made the most difference for me.  Within the items with the highest meaning, one has clearly been the most important:  forgiving my self!  Only by letting go of wrongs done, failings and mistakes did the blemishes I placed on myself begin to fade. It took saying “I’m sorry” to a lot of people.  I also had to learn in some cases there is no good to come of trying to express regret to those wronged.  Attempting to do so in some situations only makes things worse (that was a difficult lesson). 

As I think of what I am grateful for this morning, what is on the top of my mind is how I feel about myself today.  It has been a rough and painful path I have walked to get here, but am grateful to have found the route.  I feel the best about myself I ever have and without doubt do truly love myself.  There is a good measure of peace inside me now I never knew before.  My life has been blessed in many ways, but none more so that learning how to love myself.  Many helped me get here.  To all those who have loved me and do love me… thank you for your love and support that kept me on this path until I could learn to love myself. 

The most terrifying thing is to accept oneself completely.  Carl Gustav Jung

About Aging: George Carlin and Me

/ James Browning / 2 Comments

Today I know it’s absolutely true what I have heard said for all my life, but have come to understand it clearly only in more recent times.  The years do seem to pass faster and faster the older one gets.  As unique events, first times, unmatched experiences and inimitable days become rarer my concept of time is that it truly does “fly by”.  

Even as my reference points have grown to cover decades and not just years, nothing really seems like it was that long ago.  In conversation I have found myself mentioning something that happened in 1980 feeling at that moment is was not that long ago.  Then seeing the perplexed look on the face of the late-twenty-something person I am talking with the realization surfaces that he was not even born yet then.  I often wonder on such instances, do I appear old or experienced to that person?  Or both?  Mostly though, I just don’t seem to care a whole lot any more about what they think.  I am just glad to be here.  

Over twenty years ago I recall walking across a college campus and realizing that in my mid-thirties I had become “invisible to college girls”.  The realization I just looked like someone’s Dad was sobering, but I shook it off at the time thinking “I still look good to grown-up women in their late 20’s, 30’s and even 40’s.  Time passed and now I am mostly invisible to those age groups as well.  

Vivid in my memory is a Wednesday after work about two years ago in a department store when paying at the register a checkout person automatically gave me the senior discount.  My mind screamed “do I look that old to everyone?”  The ego is a horrific judge!  

If my body was a near 60-year-old car, I’d be viewed as one in good shape for its age but needs a tune up, some body work, a new paint job, a front end alignment and a closer look at some corrosion here and there.  Losing weight, eating more healthfully and getting in better shape began with a commitment to my self a few weeks ago.  That should take care of the tune up and body work.  To avoid looking ridiculous I will resist dyeing my hair or having cosmetic surgery to achieve the “new paint job”.  For me personally I could just never allow others to see me as one who needs those things to feel good about them self (even though a little here and there I have thought about it).  

On the subject of corrosion, there is nothing I can do about all the tiny patches of changed texture skin, the little liver colored spots and the occasional bumps that have appeared on my outer self.  I’m OK with all that… I think.  I see the “front end alignment” as mentally getting right with myself.  That seems to be falling into place as I take care of the physical things I can control and continue to write this abundantly therapeutic blog.  Figuratively speaking I feel blessed I have not already been recycled like a few of my friends have, am not wasting away in a junk yard nor in the front yard “up on blocks”.  Just writing that line made me smile and feel better!   

Reading this you may wonder, “What is all this stuff about aging”?  Where is it coming from?  My explanation is fairly simple.  Since beginning this gratitude blog three months ago I find thankfulness comes more easily than ever when I take stock of my life.  Of course those close looks uncover items I momentarily wish were different.  However, I’ve come to realize that is absolutely necessary.  The weight of the not so good and what I could wish were different are needed reference points that help me keep balance in my life and keeps me appreciating all the great good I enjoy.  

It’s my birthday.  Fifty eight years ago somewhere near sunup in Talladega, Alabama the world allowed me to enter.  Now almost six decades (SIX DECADES… yipes) later I have more hope and relish life more than ever before.  I live each day with ever-increasing gratitude that enriches everything.  Without doubt, I know the best of my life is still ahead.  

George Carlin’s Views on Aging 

Do you realize that the only time in our lives when we like to get old is when we’re kids? If you’re less than 10 years old, you’re so excited about aging that you think in fractions.  “How old are you?” “I’m four and a half!” You’re never thirty-six and a half. You’re four and a half, going on   five! That’s the key.   

You get into your teens, now they can’t hold you back. You jump to the next number, or even a few ahead.  “How old are you?” “I’m gonna be 16!” You could be 13, but hey, you’re gonna be 16! And then the greatest day of your   life… you become 21. Even the words sound like a ceremony…YOU BECOME 21.  YESSSS!!!  But then you turn 30. Oooohh, what happened there? Makes you sound like bad milk! He TURNED; we had to throw him out.  There’s no fun now, you’re just a sour-dumpling. What’s wrong? What’s changed?  You BECOME 21, you TURN 30, then you’re PUSHING 40. Whoa! Put on the brakes, it’s all slipping away. 

Before you know it, you REACH 50 and your dreams are gone.  But wait!!! You MAKE it to 60. You didn’t think you would!  So you BECOME 21, TURN 30, PUSH 40, REACH 50 and MAKE it to 60.  You’ve built up so much speed that you HIT 70!  After that it’s a day-by-day thing; you HIT Wednesday!  You get into your 80s and every day is a complete cycle; you HIT lunch; you TURN 4:30; you REACH bedtime. And it doesn’t end there.  Into the 90s, you start going backwards; “I Was JUST 92.”  Then a strange thing happens. If you make it over 100, you become a little kid again. “I’m 100 and a half!”  May you all make it to a healthy 100 and a half!! 

(R.I.P. George)

Facing Codependence and Finding Happiness

/ James Browning / 2 Comments

Though adult life my relationships have often been troubled.  That difficulty has been most easily notable in romantic relationships.  For years I simply thought I was unique, had special needs and was just frequently misunderstood.  What I discovered in the last 5+ years is there was definitely something not right and the vast majority of it had to do with me and not other people.     

Through the failure of my 2nd marriage to a woman I deeply loved I finally arrived at a point where I knew I could not go on as I had been.  While there was responsibility for both of us in the breakdown of the marriage, my behavior was by far the greatest cause.  I became a classic example of:  “When the pain to stay the same exceeds the pain to change, we change”.   I changed because I could see no other way.

My discovery has been that the root of my issues is called Codependency that stems from neglect, emotional abuse and trauma from my childhood. Codependency is a tendency to behave in overly passive or excessively controlling ways that negatively impact relationships and quality of life.  Co-dependence is said to be the most common of all addictions: the addiction to looking elsewhere. It is based in a belief that something outside of self can give us happiness and fulfillment. The ‘elsewhere’ may be people, places, things, behaviors or experiences and usually we neglect our own self for it. 

Codependency is at its core, a dysfunctional relationship with self. With out learning different, people such as me do not know how to love the self in healthy ways because our parents did not know how to love themselves. We were raised in shame-based families that taught us that there is something wrong with being human. The messages we got often included that there is something wrong:  with making mistakes; with not being perfect; with being sexual; with being emotional; with being too fat or too thin or too tall or too short or too whatever. As children we were taught to determine our worth in comparison with others. If we were smarter than, prettier than, better grades than, faster than, etc. – then we were validated and got the message that we had worth. 

Through work with a caring and high capable psychologist, work at a wonderful facility called “The Meadows”, the help and love of an ex-wife, the support of “peers” and most of all dedication and determination on my part, today I understand the foundation of my relationship issues.  Gladly I can say for I have learned to live life beyond them most of the time.  I am happy, TRULY HAPPY, for the first time in my life.  Life is far from perfect and a great distance from what I once imagined it might be.  Nor does living contain  now contain all that I hope it will, but today I remain open to the possibilities instead of being obsessed about what might happen.  My demons have been faced and discovered they mostly have only the power over me that I give them.  I am very grateful for all who helped me get to where I am now.

A notable portion of my discovery/recovery has been coming to realize that what I remember about my past is a mostly a delusion and what I feel about the future is largely a delusion.  What I recall is just my version of history which is as inaccurate as it is accurate.  How the future turns out will be as it unfolds and not exactly how I try to make it develop.  That viewpoint has allowed me to live a much more contented life which I enjoy more so than I ever have. 

Several years ago I wanted to attend a self help group called “Codependents Anonymous” or “CoDA” but there was no local chapter.  There is much gratitude within for my counselor who urged me to organize a local group.  For the first six months almost no one came to the Wednesday night meetings and I sat in the meeting room alone reading for an hour.  But over time “peers”, people much like me, began to come.  One meeting grew into two and then into three and four meetings each week.  Those attending expanded from none into hundreds over time with about 60 regulars attending at any given point.  My continued growth today is based almost solely within these meetings and my others self directed efforts.  My counselor told me 2 years ago I don’t need to come back (although I still go check in with her every 6 months to a year). 

I know today the best of my life is still ahead and the CoDA meetings are in no small part responsible.  I am so very grateful to all who have attended in the past and most especially for those who continue to show up each week.  THANK YOU! 

Things do not change; we change.  Henry David Thoreau

 If you are interested in knowing more: 

Self-quiz to find out if you are Codependent:     http://spiritofhopecc.com/CodependentTest.en.html

 Codependence Patterns & Characteristics:  http://www.coda.org/tools4recovery/patterns-new.htm 

Local Tulsa CoDA website:  http://coda-tulsa.org/

National CoDA website:  http://www.coda.org/ 

youtube.com Pia Mellody video “What is Codependence”

Part 1:  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nrLaaar02e4

Part 2: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VQyqkwWrBAs&feature=related

101 Things I’m Grateful for

/ James Browning / 1 Comment

This morning I begin the 87th edition of Good Morning Gratitude and am thankful for the motivation to have begun this blog.  It is somewhat difficult to grasp that I have been able to write here every day for almost three months.  I do know doing so has profoundly changed my life.  

I woke in a bit of a funk today not the least of which is still feeling the effects of oral surgery on Monday.  One of the discoveries I have made is I can change my mood always for the better by concentrating on what I have gratitude for.  Without stopping I am going to quickly type a list of 101 things I am grateful for that come to mind at this moment. 

101 things I am grateful for this morning…
Bed I slept in last night
Computer I am typing on
Coffee and the cup on my desk
Hands that work without encumbrance
Good health
Radio playing in the background
Television I hear in another room
A little sports car
iPhone
Old camera collection
Good clothing and varied wardrobe
Food in my fridge and pantry
Running water
Air-conditioning
A good job
Male friends Mel, Roger, Sam, Dave, Tom, Jim, Cy and Bill
My Son Nick
Female friends Cindy,Katie,Virginia, Patrice, Muriah and Sandy
Women I have loved and who loved me
My Brother
Ability to speak
Education
Books
Ability to read
Eyes that see
Ears that hear
Mouth that tastes
Nose that smells
Hands that feel touch
My sisters
Two ex-wives
People I work with
A home
Nice furniture
An alarm clock
My Dutch wrist watch
I live in a free country
Record collection
Movie theatres
My digital music collection
A beautiful back yard
The wisteria vine on my patio
Tools in the garage
Sunglasses
Money in the bank
Good credit
Ability to walk and run
Wisdom I have gained
Difficulties that have taught me
Wonderful vacations with my son
Ability to travel and see the world
Ability to write and express myself
Pots, Pans, silverware and dishes in the kitchen
Toilet paper
Bathrooms
The variety of shoes I have
Intelligence and ability to learn
A washer and dryer
Favorite coffee shop
Thai food
Big pine and oak trees in front of my home
The church I attend
The Dalai Lama
People who smile back at me
A profession that I enjoy and benefits me
Mechanical ability to fix things
A big, loud stereo system
Nag Champa soap
Pain killers after surgery
A good doctor and good medical care
Good dental care and a good dentist
My Nikon and Canon digital cameras
My large format cameras
Ability to love
A soft and tender heart
Codependents Anonymous
The Meadows
My therapist
The dental hygienist who cleans my teeth
A Timex Indiglo watch
My Buddhist altar
A collection of pre-Columbian art
Favorite Grocery store
Favorite restaurants
Travel in Europe
South and Central American trips
Living on a Caribbean Island
Safety through a cat 5 hurricane
An old Volvo that saved my life
Those who encourage me to write this blog
Having owned a pool and not owning one any more
Showers
Air Travel
Electricity
Heat in the winter
Cable
High speed internet
Paved streets and good roads
Doug who cuts my grass
The spirit within me

I am not going to review the list for content and over think this exercise.  If this morning my gratitude was a bit too much for material things or lacking of others, it does not matter.  If I made this list tomorrow much of it would be the same, but many things would be replaced.  I don’t believe it is of much importance at any given point exactly what I feel gratefulness for.  What matters is that I maintain a grateful attitude where thankfulness is on the tip of my tongue and on the top of my mind. 

I feel so much better now than I did a little while ago!  Gratefulness multiplies blessings and lightens burdens.  Of that I am absolutely certain!   

If the only prayer you ever say in your entire life is thank you, it will be enough.  Meister Eckhardt

Learning About Perfection from Steely Dan

/ James Browning / 1 Comment

Bedtime last night was about half past midnight.  It is rare I am up that late for no reason, but with regularity I attend shows and performances that shorten a night’s quantity of sleep.  Last evening I gave up a few hours of sleep to see Steely Dan in concert, the first time I have ever seen Becker and Fagen perform.  The show was well worth the price of admission and the hours of sleep given up I paid to see the concert.  Further, time with friends at dinner and at the show enriched the night’s experience. 

Steely Dan has always been known for their near-obsessive perfectionism in the studio and similar attention to detail paid to their live performances.  Last night was no exception.  The band was tight, well rehearsed and seemingly near perfect in their execution of the greatest hits journey they took us on.  Somewhere during the 4th or 5th song, a slow to become clear epiphany began to manifest it’s self within.  The focus of my thoughts became clear just after Donald Fagen inadvertently began playing the wrong song on their set list.  After a few bars he stopped, a little embarrassed laughed off the error and jumped right into playing the correct song in sequence.   He seemed to just let it go and there appeared to be no impact what so ever on the rest of the concert.   

My realization was that even an incredible and proficient band that performs with near perfection makes mistakes.  This was a reminder to me that perfection doesn’t exist on Earth and a substantial reminder that as a person I am far from flawless or faultless.  Of course, in a general sense I know that well, yet often hold myself to a standard of near perfection.  This is certainly true when looking in the rear view mirror at my past.  Here and there I find myself thinking about what I should have done and then scolding myself lightly for not having chosen the perfect choice or behavior.  For some reason I sometimes hold myself to a standard that is beyond reach.  Moved a step forward that can easily become a reason not to try or else procrastinate on even trying because I know my actions will be imperfect. 

I found myself wondering why it is usually so easy to find fault with my self.   I settled on the reason being the conniptions and gyrations of my ego.   Coming from the Latin word meaning “I”, the “ego” decides how I see myself distinctly as compared to others and the world in general.  It is the judge and jury that prescribe the self set expectations I have for my self.  It’s not that my self imposed standards are all too high (some are though) that causes unease.  Instead, I realized I sometimes use them as an excuse to not even start things.     

A good example is to lose the 25 pounds I gained since stopping smoking a few years ago.  That is not a simple task.  Yet, it is not the difficulty of weight loss that is the issue.  I have accomplished far tougher things.  It is the getting started and the needed consistency for just a beginning week or so that is elusive.  Why?  My ego has a challenge letting me begin something it is not convinced I can achieve.  The ego’s desire for perfection blocks my beginning.  Same is true for regular exercise.  

Even down to getting some dental work done, my ego plays games with me.  It mumbles to me “you’re middle aged.  You shouldn’t expect your teeth to look great.  Accept your age” and so on.  Why?  The ego does not want me to even begin unless it is certain fairly certain near-perfection is achievable.  To illustrate my point further, there is really nothing wrong with my teeth now.  I have a good pearly white smile without gaps or discoloring.  Rather, I need two implants for back teeth and implants are not always successful.  I avoid being one of those it does not work for by simply putting off even trying.  Yet, the probability an implant will be successful is in the 80-90% range.  Darn good odds, yet my ego wants perfection.  

The clear thought that gathered last night at the concert was simply accomplishing anything is a series of starts and stops, tiny steps of small successes and little failures that when strung together consistently lead to achievement.  In regards to matters outside myself like work, I don’t seem to have an issue getting things done; even knowing they will not be perfect.  Professionally I know accomplishment comes from sorting out what needs to be done, creating a plan to achieve it, implementing the plan and amending is as needed until the achievement is made.  And if the plan becomes unworkable:  stop, reassess, find new direction and begin again. 

The little beam of thought last evening readied me teach my ego this morning.  On line I found the word “perfection” derives from “perficio” and means “to finish or to bring to an end”.  So “perfect” literally means “finished”.  Aristotle wrote “perfect” meant “complete” or “nothing to add or subtract”.  How interesting that a random thought at a great concert would cause me to see perfection as simply finishing what is begun and NOT about completion without flaws.  

No excuses, its time to lose weight and get in shape.  I don’t have to be perfect; I just have to finish what I start regardless of the precise outcome.  I can do that.  

Have no fear of perfection – you’ll never achieve it.  Salvador Dali