Self Awareness

Over and Over Again

/ James Browning / 1 Comment

Becoming involved in recent months in a seemingly “normal” relationship lends sharp contrast to some in my past.  In retrospect I now can easily see I have had a penchant to allow some women into my life who were what Julia Cameron called “Crazymakers” in her book “The Artist’s Way”.  She wrote Crazymakers are those personalities that create storm centers. They are often charismatic, frequently charming, highly inventive and powerfully persuasive. Crazymakers create dramas–but seldom where they belong.

Crazymakers are addicted to drama and when there is none around, the will create some, usually at someone else’s expense.  The closer you are to a crazymaker the more frequent and intense the commotion of the “drama-storms” will be.

How a Crazymaker operates is obvious, but usually not seen for what it is.  For example, having a partner who is always late getting ready to go out at first seems only to be a bad habit.  However, looking a little deeper at how absolutely consistent this happens it is easier to spot the crazymaking of the behavior.  No matter what, Crazymakers will always make you late and think little of it.  In some weird way this always-late practice seems to give them some sense of importance and control.

Another trait that a person involved with a Crazymaker will run into is the complete lack of respect for another’s schedule.  It did not matter to such a person if I was at work and 15 minutes before a hugely important meeting.  The Crazymaker would call and just push that fact aside and begin to unload or launch a tirade.  Being narcissistic in nature they just can’t see how their ill timed behavior is inappropriate.

Crazymakers are devilishly charming.  Do you know anyone who has been stopped for speeding a dozen times but never got a ticket?  There’s a good chance this charmer is a Crazymaker.  At the surface they are almost always  incredibly interesting and appealing.

Crazymakers believe they are somehow unique and different than others. They expect special treatment and make demands in absolute terms putting themselves ahead of others.  Telling another person what that person “will” and “will not do” is a common trait.

Crazymakers have little respect for boundaries and have some notion that rules and boundaries don’t apply to them.  In their self perceived specialness they are mostly blind to other’s needs.  I could be deeply involved in a work project I brought home and be completely derailed beginning with a question like “I know you said you had to focus on your work thing, but I can I ask you one little question?”  Seems innocent enough, but rarely turned out that way.

Crazymakers are the type of people with a thousand ideas, often including some good ones.  They are also the ones who never get much past starting on them, if they even get that far.  Something will always happen they can blame that prevented them from moving forward.  They finish almost nothing they begin.  And they begin only a few things.  Mostly they just talk and daydream.

Crazymakers hate order and thrive on chaos.  Given time one can make any given situation a hurricane of disorder.  Sometimes this is done to bring attention to them self.  At other times it is to take attention off others and toward them.  Often sorry later, this sort of person does not learn from their past behavior and regularly repeats it.

Crazymakers are expert blamers.  Nothing is ever their fault.  Even the things they do will gets reassigned elsewhere as they explain why their actions have little to do with them and all to do with someone else.  In their mind you  made them to it!

I say all that to simply say, I am grateful to be able to now usually spot Crazymakers and put up an effective personal boundary against them.  I learned the hard way.  By keeping Crazymakers out of my life, an amazing thing begins to happen:  clarity!  Now no longer on the drama rollercoaster it is much easier to see a “normal” person when they come into my path.  I am very grateful.

Insanity:  doing the same thing over and over again
and expecting different results.
Albert Einstein

A Little Richer These Days

/ James Browning / 3 Comments

In recent times I made a remark similar to “when it comes to relationships I think I am up to about age 16 now”.  In the majority of settings of my life I am a mature and successful man, but in affairs of the heart I am just now starting to get the hang of it.  Hang of what?  Answer: ingredients that a make up a good relationship with a woman. 

The following comes from an on line article titled “Differences Between Men and Women” at http://www.relationship-institute.com/freearticles_detail.cfm?article_ID=151 

WOMEN: 

  • Women value love, communication, beauty and relationships.
  • A woman’s sense of self is defined through their feelings and the quality of their relationships. They spend much time supporting, nurturing and helping each other. They experience fulfillment through sharing and relating.
  • Personal expression, in clothes and feelings, is very important. Communication is important. Talking, sharing and relating are how a woman feels good about herself.
  • For women, offering help is not a sign of weakness but a sign of strength; it is a sign of caring to give support.
  • Women are very concerned about issues relating to physical attractiveness; changes in this area can be as difficult for women as changes in a man’s financial status.
  • When men are preoccupied with work or money, women interpret it as rejection. 

MEN 

  • A man’s sense of self is defined through his ability to achieve results, through success and accomplishment. Achieve goals and prove his competence and feel good about him self.
  • For men, doing things by themselves is a symbol of efficiency, power and competence.
  • In general, men are more interested in objects and things rather than people and feelings.
  • Men rarely talk about their problems unless they are seeking “expert” advice; asking for help when you can do something yourself is a sign of weakness.
  • Men are more aggressive than women; more combative and territorial.
  • Men’s self esteem is more career-related.
  • Men feel devastated by failure and financial setbacks; they tend to obsess about money much more than women
  • Men hate to ask for information because it shows they are a failure. 

At a glance it appears women may got the better end of that deal!  In a general sense all that is listed rings with at least some truth for me.     

I far from a person who can offer lots of sage wisdom about relationships based on successful experience, but one thing I have learned for certain:  Generally, women want to be listened to and men are frequently terrible listeners.  Women often don’t tell a man a problem to try to get a man to fix it.  Whether in a relationship or in the working environment often a women just wants a man to hear what she has got to say.  Advice and help will get asked for if she wants needs it.  It took me a long time to understand I was not expected to always offer advice and possible solutions.  All I needed to do was pay attention and listen.   Seems so simple.  (It is!  Just do it!)

As has been hinted at in days past I have begun a relationship that I have much hope for.  The pace is slow and unhurried as we simply enjoy each other’s company and come to know one other.  I am thankful to not feel rushed or in a hurry and to feel like a hopeful teenage again.  Getting to know someone slowly is something I am enjoying a great deal.   It’s been months now and my life feels a little richer these days… I am very grateful!

Take a chance and never let go.
Risk everything… lose nothing.
Don’t worry about anything anymore.
Cry in the rain and speak up loud.
Say what you want and love who you want.
Be yourself and not what people want to see
Never blame anyone if you get hurt
Because you took the risk and you decided
Who was worth the while.
anonymous

Like the Misty Rains…

/ James Browning / 1 Comment

Sometimes precise explanation, clear reasoning and crisp logic have little advice to lend.  When thought can be put aside or at least ignored to a large extent, the best way forward is almost always to be found in my heart, gut, intuition, spirit or whatever that gentle awareness that lives in my chest is.  Feeling can often light the path forward much better than thinking.  And so like a blind man, touching walls to find a doorway it is with feeling I move forward today… to be able to do that I am humbly and profoundly grateful. 

Let your love be like the misty rains, coming softly, but flooding the river. 
Malagasy Proverb

“Three Good Things”

/ James Browning / 1 Comment

Once upon a time I believed achieving happiness was the purpose of my life.  Experience has since taught the pursuit of happiness actually leads to a good deal of unhappiness.  My vantage point of today tells me happiness is actually a consequence of a very different pursuit in life – the pursuit of the evolution of my ability to love myself and others.

In days past my pursuit of happiness has included many different, but unsuccessful approaches including:

1. The pursuit of momentary pleasure drove me for a long while during the time when I believed happiness was the same as pleasure.  It took empty experience over decades to teach me that sex is not happiness nor is sex love.

2. The pursuit of money, the control it gives and the things money can buy was a catalyst for achievement for much of my adult life.  I thought having then what I did not have as a child would fill in some missing parts within.  Once I had an over abundance I found I felt more hallow than even before.

3.  I realize now my pursuit of happiness included a burning need to be valued as a human being by others.  My childhood environment provided almost none of that reinforcement and instead I felt a need to impress others, to be admired and thought well of.  In that thinking my happiness was attached to what others thought as I attempted to get love, attention and admiration in an impossible way.

Today the fact rings true within that true happiness is not the result of DOING, but of a way of BEING. Rather than being a result of the momentary pleasures or money or even other people, it is the result of my intention to evolve daily as a loving human being.

As a further aid in my positive evolution I am cultivating a new habit.  Each morning I focus on what I am grateful for and ask myself “what three good things happened yesterday”.  This practice comes directly from the book “Flourish” by Martin Seligman whose work I admire and has found a great help to me personally.

Anytime I focus on what I am thankful for and get away from what I wish were different, my life experience improves.  And the more I do that, the greater and more lasting the improvement is. “What three good things” is a simple method of redirecting attention towards positive thoughts and away from negative thinking. It works wonders for me.

We human beings evolved spending much more time thinking about negative experiences and possibilities than positive ones. That’s what kept us safe in the wild and from becoming some animal’s lunch.  Starting when we lived in caves the instinct was strong to spend a lot of time thinking about what could go wrong and how to avoid it.  Once upon a time there was an evolutionary advantage to this dominant way of thinking, but for modern humans this negative bias is a source of a lot of anxiety, depression, and general lack of wellbeing.  Luckily, by re-directing my thoughts intentionally towards positive events, I have found I can do a lot to correct this negative bias.

Dr. Deborah Barnett, Ph.D. writes the “3 Good Things” exercise, also known as the “3 Blessings” exercise, is a great Positive Psychology technique that has been well tested. It has been shown to increase well-being and decrease depression and anxiety. Martin Seligman, Ph.D., conducted a study using this exercise. The results were that 94% of very depressed people became less depressed and 92% became happier in 15 days. Furthermore, the results lasted for at least 6 months.

“The good things” is simple to do.  Each morning soon after I first get up I pick out 3 things that went well the previous day (many prefer to do this in the evening at the end of the day).  In just a few words I write down three events or experiences that went well and why they went well or what felt good about the experiences. I’ve learned what I choose does not have to be spectacular or dramatic.  Something as simple as being grateful for the sweet strawberries at dinner, appreciating a cool, misty morning or a call from a good friend the night before are good examples of simple, but meaningful reasons for me to be grateful.

Growing my awareness of gratitude has been a profound life-changer.  Always I felt I was thankful, but looking back now I realize before I spent 90% or more of my time focused on what needed to be improved, what needed to change, what I needed to be wary of, what had gone wrong or what might go wrong.  While I can’t say the percentage has reversed to be vastly all gratitude, there is balance now.  My life today contains at least as much thankfulness and well-being as it does worry and anxiety.  I am grateful for my gratitude!

If you don’t get everything you want,
think of the things you don’t get that you don’t want
Oscar Wilde

Free download of “3 good things” log page show in image at top.  No strings attached.
http://papernstitchblog.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/06/3goodthingslist1.pdf

No Guarantees, No Time Outs, No Second Chances.

/ James Browning / 1 Comment

My Mother imparted very little wisdom to me in my growing up years.  A person can’t give their children what they don’t have themself.  Mostly I learned from her what not to do.  I know she meant no harm, but the legacy she helped to create for me made adulthood challenging at times (OK, truthfully… hell at times).  Forgiveness was hers from me long ago.  I bear no ill-will or anger toward her today, but even after all this time I wish to have nothing to do with my Mother (nor does 3 of 4 of my siblings).  One of the best self-care moves a person can make is to sometimes keep another out of their life.

When I was sixteen years old I do remember one jewel of wisdom my Mother shared with me.  The time was my first real heartbreak and I was sitting on the living room couch crying a little but trying to hold it back so no one would notice.  My Mother walked through the room, saw something was up and asked what was going on.  I told her my girlfriend had broken my heart and did not want to be with me any more.  Her reply was something like “there will be lots of girls in your life until you find the one you are able to give your whole heart to.  It’s a process of elimination.  You’ll have to go through the ones that hurt you and aren’t a good fit in order to find a girl deserving of your whole heart”.

I am confident she was not thinking I would be in my 50’s, single and still waiting for the experience of giving my whole heart to someone.  There have been a few women who loved me and were deserving of my whole heart, but I was unable to give it.  In recent years I have done well dealing with my “stuff”.   Being healthier mentally and shaking off most of the childhood crap has opened up to the world to me as never before.  My chances are getting better each day such a thing as giving my whole heart to someone can yet happen for me in this life time. 

What brought all this up in my thoughts was a passage I came across that most often has the author noted as “anonymous” but sometimes the thoughts are attributed to Matti Nykanen, a ski jumper from Finland who won several Olympic medals in the 80’s.  No matter who wrote it, there is raw truth and deep wisdom to be found in the following seven sentences.   

As we grow up, we learn that even the one person that wasn’t supposed to ever let us down, probably will.

You’ll have your heart broken and you’ll break others’ hearts.

You’ll fight with your best friend or maybe even fall in love with them, and you’ll cry because time is flying by.

So take too many pictures, laugh too much, forgive freely, and love like you’ve never been hurt.

Life comes with no guarantees, no time outs, no second chances.

You just have to live life to the fullest, tell someone what they mean to you and tell someone off, speak out, dance in the pouring rain, hold someone’s hand, comfort a friend, fall asleep watching the sun come up, stay up late, be a flirt, and smile until your face hurts.

Don’t be afraid to take chances or fall in love and most of all; live in the moment because every second you spend angry or upset is a second of happiness you can never get back.

Had someone asked if I was being true to these thoughts twenty years ago, I would have said “Yes”.  From the perspective of today I know such a statement would have been delusional.  While I can’t speak for anyone but me, I know for certain my 20’s, 30’s and my 40’s were fraught with misapprehension.  That’s the thing about delusion… it can only exist if one can’t see it.  Here at 50-something I don’t pretend to have shaken the foggy filters off completely, but I do have much better clarity than ever before.  Truly I am the most ready for what life brings.  I am grateful to be standing in the doorway of the life I have waited for!

It’s not who you are that holds you back,
it’s who you think you’re not.  
Unknown

When We Have Practiced Good Actions…

/ James Browning / 2 Comments

One reason that has made change in my life so challenging is explained in part by what psychologists say is the primary response to thinking of change: FEAR. In a book called “This year I will…”, Andy Ryan, an expert in collaborative thinking, spelled out why change is difficult: Whenever we initiate change, even a positive one, we activate fear in our emotional brain…If the fear is big enough, the fight-or-flight response will go off and we’ll run from what we’re trying to do.

Described by psychologist A. J. Schuler, some fears that get in the way of change are :
The risk of change seems greater than the risk of standing still.
We feel connected to other people who identify with the old way.
We lack role models for the new activity
We fear failure
We feel overwhelmed
Our self-image is threatened
We are reluctant to learn something new

In Andy Ryan’s book she (yes, “Andy” is a she) says the first step toward successful change is NOT to try to kill off old habits because once those ruts of procedure are worn into our psyche, they’re there buried deep. She says the first step is instead to deliberately ingrain new habits to create parallel roadways that we can use to bypass those old paths. Instead of thinking “I can’t change” the trick is to instill a new habit that in time can be used to overcome the old habit. That makes sense to me.

Those who study such things say the more we instill new habits, the more creative we become in stepping outside our comfort zone in all ways. I have personal proof of that through my new habit of getting up much earlier than I ever have (on average about 5:30am now). That tweak on my lifestyle has caused a wave of subtle changes I did not expect. For example, I find now I am more social, especially on weekends. Where I used to sleep late and often just be lazy and hang out at home alone, I now spend a lot more weekend time with people I care about.  Some weekend extra snooze time still exists, but I am up now around 7am on Saturday and Sunday replacing my 10am or later previous rising time.

Another point psychologists make is that lots of small changes are more likely to be successful than trying to make one large change. There is a Japanese concept called “Kaizen” or “change for the better” that has been used in business for over 50 years. The word originated from the Japanese words “kai” which means “change” or “to correct” and “zen” which means “good”. The premise of Kaizen is small changes consistently over time create major change for the better. Do the little things well and the big ones will show up in time.

An example of Kaizen being used successfully is how my earlier waking time became established. Had one evening I set my alarm for the next morning to get up ninety minutes earlier I doubt I would have gotten up at the new time even one morning. When I began trying to establish the new time to rise and shine, I did so in 10 to 15 minute increments which I stuck to for a week or two. I went to bed a little earlier and woke a little sooner. When I felt mostly comfortable with  a new time, I did the same thing again to change my habit a little more. It took over two months for my 5:30am rising time to become a comfortable new habit. Had I not approached instilling this new habit in steps, I would have quickly given up and you’d not likely be reading this blog today.

Today I am grateful for the small change of finding time to write this blog that has resulted in me now doing it every day for over half a year. In that time I have established new rising and bed times, become more social and through the associated sense of accomplishment I am more content than before. WOW! I want more of this change stuff.

When we have practiced good actions awhile they become easy;
When they are easy we take pleasure in them;
When they please us we do them frequently;
And then, by frequency of act they grow into habit.
Tilloyson

First we form habits, then they form us. Conquer your habits or they will conquer you. Rob Gilbert

You Want The Truth?

/ James Browning / 1 Comment

Just below are borrowed words I found on-line by an unknown author.  Line by line it rings real and true for me.  I am in a period of renewal:  a time of joy, understanding and change.  I can feel myself maturing and growing as the seasons change from Fall to Winter.  I am well.  I am content.  I am happy.  I am grateful!

You want the truth?
Well, here it is.
Eventually, you forget it all.
First, you forget everything you learned;
the dates of wars and Pythagorean theorem.
You especially forget everything you didn’t really learn,
but just memorized the night before.
You forget the names of all but one or two of your favorite teachers;
and eventually you forget those, too.
You forget your junior year class schedule and where you used to sit,
and your best friend’s home phone number
and the lyrics to that song you must have played a million times.
And eventually, but slowly, you forget your humiliations –
even the ones that seemed indelible just fade away.
You forget who was cool and who was not,
who was pretty, smart, athletic, and not.
Who went to a good college,
who threw the best parties,
who had the most friends –
you forget all of them.
Even the ones you said you loved,
and the ones you actually did.
They’re the last to go.
And once you’ve forgotten enough,
you love someone else.
You replace the old friends with new ones.
You replace the old knowledge with new knowledge.
You replace what was with what is.
And one day you’ll look back at this time in your life
and wonder why you were so miserable.
You’ll ask yourself why you let certain things get to you,
why you let people get to you.
You won’t even be able to name the people whose opinions currently mean everything.
The truth is that everyone forgets,
and everyone is forgotten,
everyone replaces and
everyone is replaced.
It’s unavoidable.

 I chose intentionally to write today’s installment of “Good Morning Gratitude” at the end of the day instead of the beginning.  I am in a period of awakenings and finding my inner compass again that has been misplaced for such a long time.  The old is being shed.  The new is being embraced. My weekend has been wonderfully rich and today especially so.  Time with people I care about filled Saturday and Sunday, both beautifully sunny and cool days.  My awareness of affection for my friends and everything around me has been heightened the last two days.  Why?  There is a spark of love in my heart and that is the filter I am seeing the world through.  I am very grateful….  

I have a simple philosophy: 
Fill what’s empty. 
Empty what’s full. 
Scratch where it itches. 
Alice Roosevelt Longworth

Every Day, In Every Way…

/ James Browning / 2 Comments

A long time ago I read that if a person repeated aloud the same statement each day for thirty days he or she would begin to believe what was said to be true even if the statement was a bold-faced lie. Imagine how much more engrained something can become if it actually is possible or true to start with!

The term ‘affirmation” is thrown around so much today the meaning can be cloudy. A short, but clear definition of affirmation is: to declare or assert.

Emile Coue was a French psychologist who lived from mid 1800’s through the first quarter of the 20 century. He is regarded as the person who introduced the basis of how positve affirmations can have effect through his work in self-improvement and optimistic auto-suggestion. His most famous affirmation is “Every day, in every way, I’m getting better and better”. His method centered on repeating such a statement(s) at the beginning and at the end of each day or more frequently.

Science now knows that every thought we think and every word we say is a stream of affirmations. We are continually affirming subconsciously with our words and thoughts.  This flow of affirmations helps to create our life experience. Beliefs are learned thought patterns we have developed since childhood. Many of these thoughts work well for us, but others may now be working against us. Thinking may at times be dysfunctional and may even be sabotaging us. Every affirmation we think or say is a reflection of our inner truth or beliefs.

By choosing to think and say positive affirmations as true, the subconscious is forced into one of two reactions – avoidance or reappraisal. The bigger the issue the bigger the gap between the positive affirmation and the perceived inner truth and the more likely that one is going to experience resistance. This is where the subconscious finds it easier to stay with its perceived inner truth and avoid the challenge using any means at its disposal to keep from examining the issue. One can recognize this reaction by a strong negative feeling inside as positive affirmations are stated. Equally if one experiences a sense of joy and well-being, the mind is instinctively responding to something it believes to be true.

I began using positive affirmations regularly while I spent five weeks at The Meadows in the fall of 2006. I was there learning how to deal with reoccurring moderate depression and related issues. At first my opinion of saying positive things aloud to improve my life was that it had to be BS. Yet, I was determined to change my life for the better and was willing to try most anything to achieve that. So I began the practice of getting up before sunrise and while standing on my dorm balcony I’d watch the sun rise each day over the high Sonora Desert as I read aloud a list of affirmations. Results did not come the first day or even the first week, but within two weeks the affirmations begin to have a positive effect. As time went on I began to look forward to my sunrise time and my belief in affirmations has grown stronger and stronger since.

Here are a few examples of affirmations I like:
Loving my self heals my life.
My body heals quickly and easily.
The more grateful I am, the more reasons I find to be grateful.
I know I deserve Love and accept it now.
I give out Love and it is returned to me multiplied.
When I believe in myself, so do others.
I am my own unique self – special, creative and wonderful.
I am at peace.
I trust in the process of life.
I am proud of myself.
I am whole, complete and perfect just as I am.
I clearly see lots to be grateful for in life.
Through gratitude my world expands.
Happiness exists where I choose to look for it.
I release all negativity and hold joy in my heart.
I accept the good that is flowing into my life.
The warmth of love surrounds me.
I release myself from my anger and let the past go.
I live in the now each moment of each day.

Affirmations are not a magic spell or potion. They are simple exercises for the psyche to improve mental health similar in fashion to how working out at a gym can create better physical health. Affirmations gain their power from repetition in the same manner as repeated physical exercise yields results. The more often I say them, the more they will impact my reality. This morning I am grateful for the power of affirmations. Beyond a shadow of doubt, I know for me they work!

No matter where you go or what you do, you live your entire life within the confines of your head.
Terry Josephson

It’s Never Too Late; There’s Always Time

/ James Browning / 2 Comments

Years ago I read Mitch Albom’s book “Tuesdays with Morrie”.  The novel touched me deeply and I eagerly bought Albom’s “The Five People You Meet in Heaven” when first I came across it in a book store.  Last week I bought a copy of the movie made of the latter from a bargain bin.  I previously did not recall the book was ever even made into a movie!

There are those little moments when just what I need comes to me at the moment I need it. Whether such times are the work of God and the Universe or pure chance and coincidence does not change the effect (although I like to think it is some combination of both). Watching “The Five People You Meet in Heaven” last night was one of those times.

I left work during the mid-afternoon yesterday because a bout of moderate depression was about halfway through its usual 2-3 day run.  Little was getting accomplished; I could not concentrate. Depression has a unique way of accentuating all I feel has not been right about my life and lowering hope for the future to a dim and distant light.  From experience I know intellectually what is going on, yet that does little to hinder the torrent of clouds and dark feeling that come over me.

OK… all you macho types are not going to like this, but to borrow a bit of a phrase from Rhett Butler “Frankly I don’t give a damn”.  Watching the “Five People You Meet in Heaven” movie last night caused a tear at several points as I allowed myself to be absorbed into some of the emotions being expressed.  In the main character’s sadness and grief for what he perceived as his wasted life I found an evening’s solace for what ailed me.  Better than any pill or distracting activity I was righted from being depressed by a good dose of my own emotions.  How very grateful I am this morning to feel “It’s never too late; there’s always time”.

It’s never too late
There’s always time.

It’s never too late to change.
There’s always time to begin.

It’s never to late to say I’m sorry
There’s always time to start again.

It’s never to late to let the past go
There’s always time to start a future.

It’s never too late to be happy
There’s always time to stop being sad.

It’s never too late to fall deeply in love,
There’s always time to reopen one’s heart.

It’s never too late to write your thoughts
There’s always time to speak your piece.

It’s never to late to find what you’ve dreamed of
There’s always time to learn to do something new.

It’s never too late to connect with one you left behind
There’s always time to be lost and to get found.

It’s never too late to try again when you failed before
There’s always time to grow and learn from mistakes.

It’s never too late to hope no matter how old you are
There’s always time to have foolish fun like a child.

It’s never too late to have much more than you need
There’s always time to make your life more simple.

It’s never too late to live the way you want to live
There’s always time to find yourself if you look.

It’s never to late to stop feeling old regret
There’s always time for hope for the future.

It’s never too late to find happiness
There’s always time to laugh more.

It’s never too late to forgive
There’s always time to be forgiven.

It’s never too late to change.
There’s always time to begin.

It’s never too late
There’s always time.
James Browning October 10, 2011

All endings are also beginnings. We just don’t know it at the time.
Mitch Albom 

“Five People You Meet in Heaven” trailer:  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IrLMtmvHYy0

What Do I Feel?

/ James Browning / 1 Comment

Having been in recovery from codependence for over four years, it is easy to notice how much better off I am now.  The “constant noise and emotional confusion” inside has dimmed to just a whisper the vast majority of the time.  While not true 100%, mostly the “not good enough feelings” are greatly diminished or gone entirely.  That is a near miracle!

What is codependence?  An answer from:  http://www.allaboutcounseling.com/codependency.htm

Codependency is a set of *maladaptive, *compulsive behaviors learned by family members in order to survive in a family which is experiencing *great emotional abuse; pain and stress.

*maladaptive – inability for a person to develop behaviors which get needs met.
*compulsive – psychological state where a person acts against their own will or conscious desires.
*sources of great emotional pain and stress – chemical dependency; chronic mental illness; chronic physical illness; physical abuse; sexual abuse; emotional abuse; divorce; hypercritical or non-loving environment.

As adults, codependent people have a greater tendency to get involved in “toxic relationships”, in other words with people who are perhaps unreliable, emotionally unavailable, or needy. And the codependent person tries to provide and control everything within the relationship without addressing their own needs or desires; setting themselves up for continued un-fulfillment.

Even when a codependent person encounters someone with healthy boundaries, the codependent person still operates in their own system; they’re not likely to get too involved with people who have healthy boundaries. This of course creates problems that continue to recycle; if codependent people can’t get involved with people who have healthy behaviors and coping skills, then the problems continue into each new relationship.

I borrowed the definition of codependency, to set up the following story from the book “Tuesdays With Morrie” by Mitch Albom.

On this day, Morrie says that he has an exercise for us to try. We are to stand, facing away from our classmates, and fall backward, relying on another student to catch us. Most of us are uncomfortable with this, and we cannot let go for more than a few inches before stopping ourselves. We laugh in embarrassment.
 
Finally, one student, a thin, quiet, dark-haired girl whom I notice almost always wears bulky, white fisherman sweaters, crosses her arms over her chest, closes her eyes, leans back, and does not flinch, like one of those Lipton tea commercials where the model splashes into the pool.
 
For a moment, I am sure she is going to thump on the floor. At the last instant, her assigned partner grabs her head and shoulders and yanks her up harshly.
 
“Whoa!” several students yell. Some clap. Morrie finally smiles. “You see”, he says to the girl, “you closed your eyes.  That was the difference. Sometimes you cannot believe what you see; you have to believe what you feel. And if you are ever going to have other people trust you, you must feel that you can trust them too – even when you’re in the dark, even when you’re falling”.

As I have been able to let go of being what I thought people wanted me to be and instead keep healthy boundaries and be true to myself, life has greatly improved.  However, there are still times when I get bewildered.  Coming to “believe what I feel” is a challenge then when I am emotionally like a seven year-old boy trying to sort it out.  When one has “put on” feelings and ways of being for as long as I have, it can hard here and there to know what is pretend and fake from what is real and true.  But every day this gets a little easier.   

I am very grateful for what I have learned and put into practice through my involvement with Codependents Anonymous.   Application of such things is responsible for a great improvement in the quality of my life.  I am glad to say I am happy most of time.  When I ask myself “what do I feel?”  An answer does not always come, but usually one does.  I am very thankful to be the most emotionally healthy today I have ever been. 

The walls we build around us to keep sadness out also keeps out the joy.  Jim Rohn

Find out more about codependence here:

http://www.webmd.com/sex-relationships/features/signs-of-a-codependent-relationship

http://www.allaboutlifechallenges.org/codependency.htm

http://www.addictionz.com/20_questions_for_codependents.htm (20 question quiz to find out if you might suffer with codependence