Self Awareness

The Two I’s

/ James Browning

I can’t believe I said that.  I can’t believe I did that.  I can’t believe I let that happen.  I can’t believe I did not see that coming.  I can’t believe I got fooled again.  I, I, I, I…
 
When I began pay close attention to such statements it became apparent to me there are two distinct “I’s” in every one of them.  There is the one “doing” (the first “I”) and the one watching (the second “I”).  Over time the realization came that these are two distinct elements of my consciousness each being represented by one of the “I’s”. 
 
The first “I”, the doer, is the thinking part of me where ideas are formed into action in my brain through my thoughts. My ego lives here and has many facets and names by which it is known:  personality, traits, individuality, persona, temperament, disposition, etc.  My perception is this part of my consciousness resides in my head.
 
The second “I” is the feeling part of me where my actions are judged though my emotions and sentiments.  My conscience lives here and has many facets and names that it is known by:  instinct, gut, spirit, heart, intuition, character, soul, etc.  My perception is this part of my consciousness resides in my chest.
 
Seeing my self this way had been a big help in sorting “me” out.  My mind or the thinking part of me is always spinning and throwing things like a blender with the lid off.  Constantly spinning and whizzing around my brain is spewing things out day and night.  This is the more dominant part of my consciousness and actually a big bully that can abuse me into doing things that my feelings know I should not do.  This thinking part of me is also a lair a times and will create whatever it needs to in order to have its way with me.
 
My heart or the feeling part of me mostly just tucks itself away quietly unless called upon to show emotions applicable.  Rarely will I hear this soft voice of my conscience unless the intensity of the situation presses it to come forward or I intentionally rouse it and listen.  Feeling is the more passive part of my consciousness and can be bullied away by my thoughts.  Then I usually end up doing something deep down I know I should not do.  This feeling part of me always tells the truth, but the voice is passive unless awakened.  I have to be paying attention to hear it.
 
Thinking and feeling lie at opposite ends of the spectrum wrote Charles Gustafson, M.A., MFCC.  Human Beings are capable of either thinking or feeling, but usually not at the same time. Many people tend to confuse the two processes. It is not uncommon to hear feelings couched as thoughts and thoughts presented as feelings. Although there are obvious exceptions, thoughts maybe seen as arising from the brain (above the neck) while feelings arise from the body (below the neck). A thought is something that one generates while a feeling is something one experiences.  Thoughts are appraisals or opinions of what we perceive or experience. They act as explanations to help us understand our world. Not understanding what is happening around us leaves us feeling helpless, vulnerable and frustrated, which we find unpleasant. Understanding gives us a sense of competence or mastery that is comforting.
 
Gustafson goes on to say Emotions happen in response to thoughts or perceptions. If I think that I am a worthy person who is loved and valued, I will feel good about myself and the world I live in. If I think that I am unworthy and have nothing to offer others, I am apt to feel unhappy and hopeless and may become depressed. Although the process is largely automatic, our feelings follow our thoughts. The good news here is that we are, in fact, in charge of how we feel.  As either a thought or a feeling becomes more intense, the other function fades.

Thus, when feeling anything intensely, it becomes difficult to think or concentrate concludes Gustafson. One can learn to notice when one is thinking and when one is feeling. Each is appropriate in different situations. Identifying our thoughts and feelings accurately is part of living a full and satisfying life.
 
To break down the line of thinking I began with:   I (the thinking part of me) can’t believe I (the feeling part of me) did that.  That manner of perception works for the way I want to live. 
 
My brain never shuts down and long ago I learned I can not stop it… ever!  What I can do is not pay so much attention to it.  It is not always right and actually is often wrong.  When I am able to shift my perception from my thinking to what I am feeling I usually find a more accurate view.  Then it is not what I am “thinking” that matters most, but what I am “feeling” that I pay most attention to.  When “think” is in conflict with “feel” going with the latter is not always correct, but more often than not it is.  When the two are in harmony (what I think and what I feel) is when I know something is absolutely correct for me.  I am grateful for this knowledge learned the yard way in the school of hard knocks called life.

My mind told me to give up, but my heart would not let me.
Unknown

 

No Priviledged Access to Reality

/ James Browning / 1 Comment

Quite by accident last night on my hotel room TV I stumbled onto an episode of “Nature” on PBS that grabbed my attention.  In it naturalist Joe Hutto became “mother” to a flock of wild turkeys and lived with them day in and day out.  His year and a half with the birds gave him a unique opportunity to immerse himself in their lives and see the world through their eyes.  At one point in the program he said we do not have a privileged access to reality.  We have this tendency to live ahead:  to anticipate.  Wild turkeys don’t do that.  They believe all their needs will be met in this moment and life is not better ½ mile deeper into the woods and tomorrow.   This is it.  We betray our lives in the moment.  Wild turkeys remind me to be present; to be here.

In my life weeks and months have passed when I had a little presence in the moment.  Either something from the past was always haunting me or thoughts of the future were worrying me.  Often both were happening at once. Looking back I don’t recall a single bit of the anguish ever making my life better.  However, I could not see the complete waste being disconnected from “now” was.  Wandering around in the past or future tripping is like being lost in a fog without even being aware of the blinding mist.

Remex Sasson has a good explanation of what living in the present is: to be aware of what is happening to you, what you are doing and what you are feeling and thinking. It is being conscious of your thoughts and focusing them on the present. In this way you look at situations as they are, without coloring them with your past experiences. Living in such a way makes it easier to deal with whatever you are doing at the present moment. You see things as they are, without being influenced by fears, anger, desires or attachments.

For me rehashing the past or contemplating the future has a lot to do with control.  When I stop and focus, it’s a little crazy to realize I have tried over and over to get something in the past to make sense.  That was me trying to control the past; to change it; to bring it around to my way of thinking.  More often than not, the past just was and makes no logical sense.  I see that better today.

It took intention and practice to break my habit of excessive worrying about the future and fretting about the past.  Now the realization is clear all that was just a deeply ingrained bad habit.  There was no quick fix for me.  Intention and desire was the beginning for me to change.  Determination to improve my life made it possible. A meditation practice made my effort consistent.  And learning from a variety of people from Tolle to Epictetus, Lama Das to Moses, Collier to Seligman and more gave wisdom to urge me forward.

Sitting here at the keyboard my thoughts again drift to the “Nature” program last night where naturalist Joe Hutto repeatedly made the point that animals in the wild are much smarter than we give them credit.  He intimated it is a great mistake to think wild animals are dumb.  Just because they are completely ignorant of the ways of the civilized world does not make them stupid. They are born with genetic imprinting humans have lost over time due to lack of need.  Consequently in these times we are the ones that come into the world “dumb”. 

We’re living in a world that contributes in a major way to mental fragmentation, disintegration, distraction, de-coherence, says Buddhist scholar B. Alan Wallace. We’re always doing something, and we allow little time to practice stillness and calm.

No magical cure has found me.  There has no painless rebirth.  It has instead been a practiced awareness that came from repeated trial and error that changed things.  Now I can at least some of the time keep myself rooted in the present.  Gone are the days when 100% of the time my past and future roared like a waterfall to drown out all of the “now”.  It’s likely at least half the time I still am somewhere else other than the present.  But that also means about half the time I am right here, right now!

Within there is much awareness that I miss the one in my heart and look forward to feeling her in my arms tonight when I return from being away for several days. A smile comes and I resist trying to imagine our reunion in more detail.  Instead I hang on to the warm and contented feeling those thoughts bring knowing she waits for me and go back to whatever I am doing.  I am so very grateful to be at this juncture of my life where every moment is dear to me.  I’ll be home soon Darlin’.

Having spent the better part of my life trying either to relive the past or experience the future before it arrives, I have come to believe that in between these two extremes is peace.  Author Unknown

Shelter from the Storm

/ James Browning / 1 Comment

For the majority of my days there was a storm going on inside me.  I assumed that state of being was how life was for everyone and came to accept the uncertainty, questioning, doubting, worrying and yearning.  These thoughts and feelings are part of a normal human experience, but not at the hurricane levels they blew me around within the hell I lived in.  

I am glad the constant storm is over now.  The winds rise from time to time, but never as they once were.  In recovery from dysfunction I had to learn how to be alone.  Those dark nights and colorless days of loneliness were long but ceased to paint my life all dark colors a while back.  A good example of what does not kill you makes you better is how I was able to trade insecurity and loneliness for a capacity to love life; a true miracle of sorts!

Life has been genuinely good for a while now.  In recent months good has become better and now wonderful as love of a woman has entered my heart.  There was acceptance such a thing would likely never happen again which makes the surprise a gift all the sweeter.  In my journey through the miles of loneliness I ran across a saying that helped me never completely lose faith in the possibility of love, no matter how distant it seemed.  Get yourself emotionally healthy and someone healthy will find you. And that is exactly what happened! 

Reflecting on those two sayings in italics above that have been my encouraging companions, I started to think of a few other “friends” in word that have helped me in my journey. 

When the pain to stay the same exceeds the pain to change, we change.  A living example of those words I am.  It would be grand if I could tell you how strong and determined I was and such strengths moved me to grow and heal.  That did not happen and it took desperation instead.  Only then was I was willing to do whatever was necessary to leave the emptiness and pain behind.  

You can only love someone else as much as you love yourself.  This has nothing to do with ego and all to do with seeing the good in me and accepting the not so good; appreciating my talents and attributes and seeing past my flaws and imperfections.  It is the perfectly imperfect way of seeing that gives fertile ground for love to grow in, of myself and others. 

Every day’s a good day, some are just better than others.  I did not believe the meaning of those words when they began to be my steady response to “how are you?”  Slowly over time as I experienced improvements from applying myself to growth and healing, the statement became a sort of mantra I believe today with all my heart and soul.  

One of the worst mistakes anyone can make is being afraid to make one.  Just as walking without falling comes when stumbling over one’s own feet from trying too hard is stopped, life has more success when error is allowed and accepted.  For me it works like that now.  I screw up more, but I succeed far more often!

Learn to smile at yourself and you’ll always be amused.  I said this for years because I thought it was a catchy and clever line.  There was even a fragile belief I lived that way.  Until a few years ago that was utterly a delusion.  While I will never be a comedian or good joke teller, I certainly find lots to laugh about as I healthfully stumble forward.  

You find what you go looking for.  Expect crap and it will rain on you every day.  Expect good and it will come.  This is not a naïve statement of a person wearing rose-colored glasses.  The difficult and the painful still come.  Living with this belief strong in my heart and mind simply diminishes the bad and expands the good.  No more, no less.

Love is all that matters.  Love of life, love of family, love of friends, love of nature, love of a partner, love of God…. whatever form it comes it, love is the force that gives EVERYTHING meaning.  Without love life is just existence. 

I am thankful for every instance one of these sayings got me through a time of deep difficulty or dark challenge.  Each has been, and will continue to be, a dear friend and at-will momentary mantra to “save” me.  I am grateful!

Out of suffering have emerged the strongest souls.  The most massive characters are seared with scars. Kahlil Gibran

Gratitude: The Cure for Dissatisfaction

/ James Browning / 4 Comments

Why are so many of us unhappy? Why are mental health problems growing so rapidly? According to the Surgeon General 1 in 5 American adults AND children are affected by a mental disorder during each year! WHY?!?!

The following comes from an anonymously written editorial on the website chinatownconnection.com.  It is titled “Why Are Americans so Unhappy” and I believe sheds light on the “why”:

Is it that we have electricity and running water 24 hours a day, 7 days a week? Is our unhappiness the result of having air conditioning in the summer and heating in the winter? Could it be that 90+ % of these unhappy folks have a job? Maybe it is the ability to walk into a grocery store at any time and see more food in moments than Darfur has  seen in the last year?

Maybe it is the ability to drive from the Pacific Ocean to the Atlantic Ocean without having to present identification papers as we move through each state? Or possibly the hundreds of clean and safe motels we would find along the way that can provide temporary shelter? I guess having thousands of restaurants with varying cuisine from around the world is just not good enough. Or could it be that when we wreck our car,  emergency workers show up and provide services to help all involved. Whether you are rich or poor, they treat your wounds and even, if necessary, send a helicopter to take you to the hospital.

Perhaps you are one of the 70 percent of Americans who own a home. You may be upset with knowing that in the unfortunate case of having a fire, a group of trained firefighters will appear in moments and use top-notch equipment to extinguish the flames, thus saving you, your family and your belongings.

Or if, while at home watching one of your many flat-screen TVs, a burglar or prowler intrudes, an officer equipped with a gun and a bullet-proof vest will come to defend you and your family against attack or loss. This all in the backdrop of a neighborhood free of bombs or militias raping and pillaging the residents – in neighborhoods where 90 percent of teenagers own cell phones and computers.

How about the complete religious, social and political freedoms we enjoy that are the envy of everyone in the world? Maybe that is what has 67% of you folks unhappy.

A 2011 Gallup poll found Americans were somewhat or very dissatisfied with overall quality of life (23%), opportunity to get ahead by working hard (45%) and moral and ethical climate (70%).

Ruut Veenhoven of Erasmus University in Rotterdam does research on the subjective appreciation of life and maintains the “World Database of Happiness”. He found the United States not even close to the top ten with a general level of happiness that places our country at 17th!

OK. Now that I added fodder to the general murky mood in the U.S.A., please allow me to offer my perspective. When I had little growing up I did appreciate the things I did have, even though I yearned for more. Anything new was most often received with joy even if it was new clothes under the Christmas tree and few toys. When I was a struggling 20-something I remember buying my first new couch on credit that took 18 months to pay for. I loved that couch and to this day have never appreciated a piece of furniture as I did that one. Living after a natural disaster in a foreign country without running water for six weeks and electric service for almost three months taught me gratitude for those two things I had always taken for granted.  In retrospect of my life I can see it was lack and struggle that made me appreciate things most.  It was rarely, if ever, abundance that brought any more than momentary gratitude.

As a middle-aged adult I “made it” and had the resources to have and do most anything reasonable I wanted to do. I worked for years under the guise that $$ would make me happy but instead my unhappiness grew to its maximum level that accentuated every fault and dysfunction I had.

My level of contentment and appreciation of life today is the highest ever. While it took a lot of work, changing what was going on inside of me brought that about. It is my opinion that is what is wrong in our country today: Looking outside our self for “other esteem” will NEVER bring about good self-esteem within. I am living proof of that. If success, money, sex, awards, accomplishment, things and external experiences could make someone happy I would have floated away in delirious bliss years ago. Instead, it took pain and heartache followed by lots of deeply emotion inner work to open me to the sources of happiness. There is nothing perfect about my life. Trouble, concern and worry are still around. But today those things sit mostly on the bench in my game of life while contentment, caring and love are the primary players with gratitude as the quarterback.

Riches, both material & spiritual, can choke you if you do not use them fairly. For not even God can put anything in a heart that is already full. One day there springs up the desire for money & for all that money can provide: the superfluous, luxury in eating, luxury in dressing, trifles. Needs increase because one thing calls for another. The result is uncontrollable dissatisfaction. Let us remain as empty as possible so that God can fill us up. Mother Teresa

Whatever is – is Best

/ James Browning / 2 Comments

Happiness permeates my being today as it has consistently lately. I am in love; swept into the rapture of  finding a soulful match with another.  Joy walks with me now, but I know I am not done with sorrow and pain.  The best life anyone ever had was a great deal of happiness with a lot of heartache mixed in.  For all human-time that is the best possible.  To acknowledge the breadth of life experience possible, from pure joy to absolute pain, is to fully come to cherish life in all its dimensions.

Paraphrasing Kahlil Gibran, joy is the mirror reflection of sorrow and sorrow is the necessary companion of joy.  The more of each one I come to know, the more of the other I am capable of knowing.  So when I lament the heartache that has come my way, I soothe myself with the knowing that the hurting is growing my capacity to know happiness deeper and to recognize joy even at its smallest.   I am living proof that the plow of pain opens the furrow for greater happiness to grow.  Hence, I can not hate my past grief and pain, nor can I dread what will yet come.  Simply, whatever is; is best.

“Whatever is – is Best” by Ella Wheller Wilcox

I know, as my life grows older,
And mine eyes have clearer sight,
That under each rank wrong somewhere
There lies the root of Right.

That each sorrow has its purpose,
By the sorrowing oft unguessed,
But as sure as the sun brings morning,
Whatever is – is best.

I know that each sinful action,
As sure as the night brings shade,
Is somewhere, sometime punished,
Tho’ the hour be long delayed.
I know that the soul is aided
Sometimes by the heart’s unrest,
And to grow means often to suffer,
But whatever is – is best.

I know there are no errors,
In the great eternal plan,
All things work together
For the final good of man.
And I know when my soul speeds onward,
In its grand eternal quest,
I shall say as I look back earthward,
Whatever is – is best.

“The Thing Is” by Ellen Bass

The thing is
To love life
To love it even when you have no
Stomach for it, when everything you’ve held
dear crumbles like burnt paper in your hands
and your throat is filled with the silt of it.
When grief sits with you so heavily
It is like heat, tropical, moist
Thickening the air so it’s heavy like water
More fit for gills than lungs.
When grief weights you like your own flesh
Only more of it, an obesity of grief.
How long can a body withstand this, you think,
And yet you hold life like a face between your palms,
A plain face, with no charming smile,
Of twinkle in her eye,
And you say, yes, I will take you
I will love you again.

If your pain is so intense you can barely pull yourself into a new day, know the pain will lessen in time.  If your sorrow is so deep you can’t imagine tomorrow coming, know the morrow and the one after and the one after that will come to find your sorrow lessened.  If your life is so dark you can’t imagine yourself anywhere but in shadow, know the light can not be stopped from returning and it will find you.

Life has taught me to live the most difficult one step at a time, one moment at a time.  Just get through it.  Do the best I can, no matter how feeble my best was that day.   And never stop no matter how much I want to, how miniscule my progress or even if I  back slide.  Just two words:  Keep going.

Thankful I am for what is behind me, for the good that is today and for the strength and wisdom I have been blessed with to help me embrace what is to come.

 I have found the paradox, that if you love until it hurts,
there can be no more hurt, only more love.
 Mother Teresa

Life in a Pinball Machine

/ James Browning / 3 Comments

When my life was a mangle of unfulfilled hopes there was far too much time spent imagining the future or pondering the past. Today is quite different. I find myself enjoying “now” the vast majority of the time. The reason is simple. I like “now” more than what is behind me and I am not obsessed with what will be. My image of the future is it will be good because my “present” is good. By choices made now what is ahead of me is honed and shaped. Being awake to what is happening moment to moment is new to me, but I feel confident to have entered the best phase of my life. My best years are ahead!

Was it fate or destiny to have had the life I’ve lived and then to arrive in “the now” as I have? Was the pain, difficulty and heartache encountered predetermined as my life path? That’s quite a question and I am only one of over a hundred billion people who have probably pondered it at least a little. (It’s estimated that 107,602,707,791 people have been born on earth. For details go here: http://www.prb.org/Articles/2002/HowManyPeopleHaveEverLivedonEarth.aspx ).

A definition of Fate/Destiny I found on-line: the universal principle by which the order of things is presumably prescribed; the decreed cause of events which are inevitably predetermined. It’s quixotic to believe life for each person is decided in advance by God or some deity. My beliefs include a higher power that is there to support me along my way. However, I believe to have been given the freedom to choose and though every choice, and I mean EVERY choice, my life is shaped. The quality of my life is affected by me more markedly than any other force. God is with me, but does not decide for me. It was my fate/destiny to be born and one day die. What’s in between is mostly up to me.

When I take a glance backwards, I see myself bouncing around like a ball inside a pinball machine. Each time a pinball hits a bumper where the next impact will be is decided. And again and again it is the same. The pinball does not decide where it goes. The bumper decides. In my life experience each unique choice or “bump” I made seemed to power me to the next bumper and the next. I thought life was being done to me like a pinball bouncing around. I did not see my choices were self-made bumpers.

Neale Donald Walsch wrote: Every decision you make—every decision—is not a decision about what to do. It’s a decision about ‘”Who You Are”. When you see this, when you understand it, everything changes. You begin to see life in a new way. All events, occurrences, and situations turn into opportunities to do what you came here to do.

My clouded past is described well by Marcel Pagnol who said The reason people find it so hard to be happy is that they always see the past better than it was, the present worse than it is, and the future less resolved than it will be. To that my one word response is: “EXACTLY”!

Certainly there are happenings, circumstances and people that influenced the path I walked to get to the present. Behind me it was easy to place fault on what happened as “a pinball might blame bumpers for where it goes”. However, I am not a mindless pinball. My life should not be filled with only ”bounces” to what is around me. To have allowed the conditions of my life to shape my life experience was a lazy and difficult way to live. I know better now!

Richard Carlson said it well when he wrote circumstances don’t make a person; they reveal him or her. It took a long time for me to “see” what life was trying to reveal to me. Free of that ignorance I now agree with a quote from Nehru: Life is like a game of cards. The hand you are dealt is determinism; the way you play it is free will. And the way I play my hand today is to take responsibility for myself, to live with forethought and morals,to love as I have never loved before, to make good choices and to take life one day at a time. I know the best days of my life are yet to be lived.

We create our fate every day we live.
Henry Miller

Who Murdered My Dreams?

/ James Browning / 2 Comments

I recall being around four years old and an adult would ask what I wanted to be when I grew up.  My response was “just like Davy Crockett”.  That had a lot to do with my prized fringed gloves like those Davy wore in the 50’s Disney series.  I always felt more grown up when I wore them when actually I looked more like a little kid with silly dreams to the big people.  I saw the giggles and laughs when my dream was expressed, but I just knew they were wrong.  Theirs was not my reality and I somehow knew my dream could come true.

When in the third grade the question from an uncle was what was I going to be when I was a “big boy”.  Ole Davy had been left behind and the gloves had become ratty and lost.  A new response popped out of my young mouth.  “I’m going to be an astronaut”.  The time was the beginning of the space age and those new American heroes were all over the television.  I remember more than once a big part of a school day was watching black and white TV while a launch was counted down, put on hold and then counted down some more.  When answering the “big boy” question I saw the “not a chance” looks on my uncle’s face, but did not care as I knew he was wrong.  I could be anything I wanted to be!

Around my 12th year on the planet I discovered the novels of Ian Fleming.  Apparently most adults had not read them for how else could I be allowed to read books so racy without them stopping me.  While the content was really just “R-rated stuff” there were passages about 007 being in bed with a woman at least two or three times in “Dr. No”, the first of the series I read.  Being almost a teenage boy, such things were of interest to me (OK, strong interest).  My desire to grow up and be a secret agent was confirmed when I saw Ursula Andress as ‘Honey Rider’ in the film version of “Dr. No”.  How much better could it be than to be a hero like Sean Connery leading an exciting life and spending time in bed with beautiful women?  I told no adults about this dream, because I knew they wouldn’t believe me and it would probably get me in trouble anyway.

In high school I developed an interest in sciences through chemistry and physics classes.  I amended my “gonna-be-when-grown-up” goal to a combination of Albert Einstein and James Bond.  I knew it had to be possible.  I had seen pictures of Albert with Marilyn Monroe taken at parties.  So I could be as dashing as Bond and better looking than Albert.  Even with thoughts of such things I was beginning to become aware of adult realities.  A rugged home life,  a darn near evil stepfather, a heartbreak or two and the civil strife of the late 60’s was teaching me that life does not turn out how it is dreamed to be.

Before long I was caught up in trying to survive, get by and fit in.  Finding a way to support myself and bettering my lot in life became necessary driving forces.   I began to stop dreaming and started to become practical and realistic.  My heart was broken several times. I got fired.  I moved to new places and experienced severe loneliness.  I mismanaged money and my car was repossessed twice.  There was not enough money and I did not know how to manage what I did have.  There was no family support, save that of my younger brother a thousand miles away and he was having his own survival issues.  I can could say my dreams died a slow death but truth is in my early 20’s their demise was rapid.  I simply stopped dreaming of what might be.

Seven or eight years later, there was a little spark of a dream that began to take hold.  It was the fancy of being a great photographer.  There had been a little of it late in high school, but that little “almost dream” got buried then before it fully sprouted.  In my late 20’s that daydream found some new life. This dream grew and then climaxed prematurely in my late 30’s and early 40’s with a home studio and darkroom for about eight years. I started to dream again, got published, had a showing at an art gallery and for a little while thought I was on my way to a life as a fashion and fine arts photographer. Then I relocated, did not get to build the studio in the back yard I hoped for due to a divorce, digital overtook film and even my prints had to be stored away because I took as a partner a woman who saw any image I had taken of a female model as a threat. She even ripped up my primary portfolio of about fifty 11×14 prints some years ago. My dream of being a great photographer died and then got stomped on.

Who have been the murderers of my dreams:  ADULTS!  When we give up our childlike wonder and youthful hope, we begin to die a little quicker and wither away a bit faster.  When we are children, grownups mean no harm when their usually but not always hidden scoffs show toward childish dreams.  Simply adults already believe almost all children will give up their dreams one day, just like they did.   And who has been the most brutal murderer of my dreams?  ME!  But no more!

There is something about the feeling of possibly falling in love that rekindles bright and youthful things within, not the least of which is thoughts of lasting, rich and fulfilling endearment with another.  With that real possibility in my life it is through my heart my thoughts are passing these days.  That view is awakening my dreams.  Through hard work, therapy and recovery I am now happy, truly happy for the first time in my life (and its not drug induced either!).   Happiness is fertile ground for love and for growing dreams.

Today my thoughts of being like Davy Crockett, James Bond, Albert Einstein or even an astronaut make me smile to remember.  Such fantasies are only remnants of the past that do however remind me that dreams have to be a little impractical to be real.  Many dreams do not come true, but none come true that are not dreamed!  And so today, I realize it is the dreaming that matters most.  Seeing them come true is meaningful, but to never stop wishing and hoping is most important.  I am grateful to feel that truth ringing soundly within me.

No Longer Swimming

/ James Browning / 2 Comments

While standing in water it’s hard to have a sense of being wet. Yet when dry and sticking a toe in, it’s easy to feel the wetness of the water. That describes the new retrospective view I have for my feelings about a relationship that ended a few years ago. I can see now I was standing in a blended pool of emotions like love, grief, guilt and loss yet hardly knew I was “wet”. No longer swimming in that soup, I can see that I was doing what I was unable to see at the time.

I remember my years in hell well. I couldn’t act like a normal human being and thought people should not expect me to. There was sadness underneath every thing I did. Going about each day heartbroken, tainted everything I touched. At times when I was not actually feeling the pain in my head and heart I felt so tired I was completely drained. My mind became numb to any meaningful thoughts except about what I had lost. The heartbreak was always in the back of my mind somewhere just waiting for me to brush up against something random that caused me to immediately be back thinking about the breakup. Thoughts of anything else seemed only to be a temporary space between the next thought of her that would come along. At times “talking it out” with someone felt good but an hour or two later such talks seemed to only add fuel to the pain and frustrations. When the thoughts of the heartbreak where not on me, I was actively doing something to get my thoughts away from thinking about it. And on and on and on. Everyone has felt these feelings at one time or another, most just don’t wallow in them as long as I did.

It’s said the three toughest things in life to bear are: death, divorce and getting fired. To that I will add, experiences vary dependant on the particular occurrence and the person effected. I have faced death of people dear to me (family and friends) and mourned their loss for a good while and recovered. There is a saying in my profession that goes something like “you’re not a pro until you have been fired at least once or twice”. Experiencing it three times gives me something of a master’s degree in termination and I know how to bear it. One divorce over a decade ago did little to prepare me for a second end of a marriage where my love was deeper.

The end of a relationship that was built on love is hard. More than that, it ripped me open and exposed the naked fibers of my being. The future image I held for myself became shattered as many of my hopes for the future were left to wither and die.

It’s damn difficult to look into the mirror and realize many of the marriage problems were “me” when all I wanted to do is blame “her”. Reassigning responsibility outside my self was well-practiced and began in childhood as a way of survival. As an adult I lacked the realization I was not just surviving anymore and such ways of being while once necessary, should be long out grown. Others who were healthy could see, and stayed away. However, those as unhealthy were attracted to the similarities they saw thinking it showed compatibility, when it fact they should have flashed “danger”.

Today down the road past my heartbreak and grief the image in my rear view mirror is easier to understand. This is ONLY true because I took the time to bear the emotions necessary AND because I worked and continue to work on my dysfunctions that were huge contributing factors in this and other painful relationships. Things had to change within me. Otherwise, all of those feelings, beliefs, patterns, decisions and behaviors that made me “me” – energetically and emotionally – would stay the same. Without growth and change I would continue to attract similar experiences over and over and over.

That was then and this is now! Today I have a glad heart, joyful soul and open mind. I’m free! I can move on and am glad that “she” has gone on with her life because I do want her to be happy. But from now on it’s living my life and my happiness I am going to focus on. Jumping for joy I can truly say, I am a very grateful man this morning!

The heart is the only broken instrument that works. T.E. Kalem

May Have Already Begun

/ James Browning / 2 Comments

Yesterday I realized a part of me had decided what was left of life to experience was that of slowly becoming “decrepit with old age and die”.  It was sobering to realize such a view had developed to be a fairly robust assessment of my life possibilities.  Clear in thought as I write now is the belief that is NOT what I want.  Instead, the concept “decrepit with old age and die” was a notion I was trying to sell myself because…. here it comes:  “The belief was growing in me that no beautiful woman I was attracted to would ever find me attractive again”.

Where the hell did that come from?  Actually that is not a mystery.  It was spoken to me by a man I know from London whose life experience is similar to mine who, like me, was being divorced by a younger woman at the time.  Both of us had, for a while, had wives 15 years our junior.  While I would hesitate to go through the pain of it all again, I would still have the relationship in my past life if I had the choice.  Why?  I would not be where I am without it.  The strife of it all smoothed me and helped hone my thinking and feelings in ways nothing else but pain could.

After a mental wrestling match with “decrepit and die”, I concluded with confidence what I hoped for was someone I could love and who could love me.  However, there was still hesitance of truly accepting that because of the fear it would not happen.  With a little help later in the evening I was able to move past my flawed thinking.

What crazy little mental games we play with our selves in our thinking that spins like a hamster running on a wheel 24/7.  When usually I can intentionally see my self-induced BS to be what it is, BS, that faulty philosophy gets put away or at least greatly diminished.  This time I needed help to accomplish that.

With some renewed bravery about the possibility of love, I went skating on the internet yesterday to see what the “experts” had to say about the subject.  Boy is there a bunch of stuff on-line which tells me I am one of millions who daily do a search on a subject like “falling in love”.

A portion of my search on-line comforted me concerning my “old guy” image I had of myself. Here’s a tidbit that helped from Professor Arthur Aron of State University of New York at Stonybrook.  He was asked how does our appearance factor into the equation of falling in love. His response was we have found that if you are very unattractive, it can hurt you a lot in forming romantic relationships. However, being attractive doesn’t help that much.  OK, I felt a little better after reading that as I think I look “decent to pretty good” for my age.

Professor Aron was then asked “how do you explain that” and then he said We have found that two important characteristics, kindness and intelligence, are extremely important in the process of falling in love. And attractiveness is not connected to these things. These two attributes are things that people learn about someone from knowing them over time. Intelligence is important in all aspects of life, especially in love. But kindness is the strongest indicator for a successful long-term relationship. 

One of the best effects to come out of my life experience is today I value kindness, both getting and giving, as one of the best possible behaviors of a human being.  That combined with being decently intelligent aided even more my move beyond my old concept of things as I read the thoughts of Professor Aron.

While the “decrepit and die” conviction was not completely erased by yesterday’s search and related thoughts, I do feel much better today.  Remember I said “I had help”?  There is another major reason I feel differently today than just 24 hours ago and it is a “she”. Someone beautiful who is interested in me told me I was wrong to think that way.  And even better news is she is one I believe given time I could probably fall in love with. Amazing how a little bit of reality from someone else can shift the thinking going on in our heads beyond just information and show how erroneous our take on things can be.

Noted sociology Professor Francesco Alberoni states the theory that falling in love is a process of the same nature as a religious or political conversion.  Alberoni believes that people fall in love when they are ready to change, or to start a new life.  He goes on to say it is a launching of oneself towards the future and change, and fundamental to the formation of a romantic partnership. Falling in love transforms their whole world; it is a sublime experience, an act of folly…the discovery of one’s own being and one’s own destiny.

Now I can see that falling in love can happen at any age and am grateful to have had my view amended.  Frankly, I am ready for my “conversion” and it may have already begun…

Love is… born with the pleasure of looking at each other; it is fed with the necessity of seeing each other; it is concluded with the impossibility of separation!  Jose Julian Marti Perez

Oh Wow, Oh Wow, Oh Wow

/ James Browning / 2 Comments

There’s an interesting article making the rounds about the recent services for Steve Jobs. His sister, Mona Simpson, shared in the eulogy she delivered at the late Apple CEO’s memorial service that his surprising final words from his deathbed were, “Oh wow, oh wow, oh wow.” 

That sure makes a person think and wonder what he was experiencing at that moment.  Did he see “the light” that is described by those who have had near death experiences?  Did he get the grand question of life answered?  Did he finally discover for himself the meaning of life?  What experience was he describing?  Guess as we may, we can’t know for certain until our time comes as well.   

From the website howstuffworks.com comes a description of “Near Death Experiences” that is the closet thing to the death experience we’ll ever know on this side of life.  Maybe it is some of what Steve Jobs was experiencing during the last moments of living on Earth. 

  • Int­ense, pure bright light – Sometimes this intense (but not painful) light fills the room. In other cases, the subject sees a light that they feel represents either Heaven or God.
    Out-of-body experiences (OBE) – The subject feels that he has left his body. He can look down and see it, often describing the sight of doctors working on him. In some cases, the subject’s “spirit” then flies out of the room, into ­the sky and sometimes into space.
  • Entering into another realm or dimension – Depending on the subject’s religious beliefs and the nature of the experience, he may perceive this realm as Heaven or, in rare cases, as Hell.
  • Spirit beings – During the OBE, the subject encounters “beings of light,” or other representations of spiritual entities. He may perceive these as deceased loved ones, angels, saints or God. ­
  • ­The tunnel – Many Near Death Experience subjects find themselves in a tunnel with a light at its end. They may encounter spirit beings as they pass through the tunnel.
  • Communication with spirits – Before the NDE ends, many subjects report some form of communication with a spirit being. This is often expressed a “strong male voice” telling them that it is not their time and to go back to their body. Some subjects report being told to choose between going into the light or returning to their earthly body. Others feel they have been compelled to return to their body by a voiceless command, possibly coming from God.
  • Life review – This trait is also called “the panoramic life review.” The subject sees his entire life in a flashback. These can be very detailed or very brief. The subject may also perceive some form of judgment by nearby spirit entities. 

Once upon a time I thought I was going to be a scientist and in those days I saw things more in black and white complete with a fair certainty there was nothing after death.  That was a perspective of youth, peppered by religious abuse by a mean stepfather.  Years of living and experience since have taught me much and opened my mind to a much broader perspective.  As I get older seemingly inching slowly but surely toward my last breath, it has become much easier to envision a life after death.     

I once told my son something like this:  “If my beliefs about spirituality and there being an existence of some sort after death is not true, my life will still have been better for my beliefs”.   I stand firmly behind that thought today stronger than ever. 

 Mellen-Thomas Bendict is a man who went through a profound near death experience.  Part of that experienced he described this way:  The light explained to me that there is no death; we are immortal beings. We have already been alive forever! I realized that we are part of a natural living system that recycles itself endlessly.

Steve Job’s sister who is professor of English at the University of California also said in the eulogy “Steve was like a girl in the amount of time he spent talking about love. Love was his supreme virtue, his god of gods.”  There is one thing I have learned for certain that causes me to agree strongly with what she said.  Love is the solution to everything and I do mean EVERYTHING.   Peel the layers of anything far enough and love is always the answer. 

This morning I am grateful for my life and thankful for my beliefs that the experience of living has given me.  My gratefulness extends to Steve Jobs who I always had respect for.  With his last act of life he gave us a morsel to encourage thought and discussion of what lies on the other side.  Today because of those simple words he said I am a little less afraid of what lies in the great beyond.  Thanks Steve! 

 I respect more the person who struggles with his faith than the person who is confident in his skepticism.  Robert Brault