No Longer Swimming

While standing in water it’s hard to have a sense of being wet. Yet when dry and sticking a toe in, it’s easy to feel the wetness of the water. That describes the new retrospective view I have for my feelings about a relationship that ended a few years ago. I can see now I was standing in a blended pool of emotions like love, grief, guilt and loss yet hardly knew I was “wet”. No longer swimming in that soup, I can see that I was doing what I was unable to see at the time.

I remember my years in hell well. I couldn’t act like a normal human being and thought people should not expect me to. There was sadness underneath every thing I did. Going about each day heartbroken, tainted everything I touched. At times when I was not actually feeling the pain in my head and heart I felt so tired I was completely drained. My mind became numb to any meaningful thoughts except about what I had lost. The heartbreak was always in the back of my mind somewhere just waiting for me to brush up against something random that caused me to immediately be back thinking about the breakup. Thoughts of anything else seemed only to be a temporary space between the next thought of her that would come along. At times “talking it out” with someone felt good but an hour or two later such talks seemed to only add fuel to the pain and frustrations. When the thoughts of the heartbreak where not on me, I was actively doing something to get my thoughts away from thinking about it. And on and on and on. Everyone has felt these feelings at one time or another, most just don’t wallow in them as long as I did.

It’s said the three toughest things in life to bear are: death, divorce and getting fired. To that I will add, experiences vary dependant on the particular occurrence and the person effected. I have faced death of people dear to me (family and friends) and mourned their loss for a good while and recovered. There is a saying in my profession that goes something like “you’re not a pro until you have been fired at least once or twice”. Experiencing it three times gives me something of a master’s degree in termination and I know how to bear it. One divorce over a decade ago did little to prepare me for a second end of a marriage where my love was deeper.

The end of a relationship that was built on love is hard. More than that, it ripped me open and exposed the naked fibers of my being. The future image I held for myself became shattered as many of my hopes for the future were left to wither and die.

It’s damn difficult to look into the mirror and realize many of the marriage problems were “me” when all I wanted to do is blame “her”. Reassigning responsibility outside my self was well-practiced and began in childhood as a way of survival. As an adult I lacked the realization I was not just surviving anymore and such ways of being while once necessary, should be long out grown. Others who were healthy could see, and stayed away. However, those as unhealthy were attracted to the similarities they saw thinking it showed compatibility, when it fact they should have flashed “danger”.

Today down the road past my heartbreak and grief the image in my rear view mirror is easier to understand. This is ONLY true because I took the time to bear the emotions necessary AND because I worked and continue to work on my dysfunctions that were huge contributing factors in this and other painful relationships. Things had to change within me. Otherwise, all of those feelings, beliefs, patterns, decisions and behaviors that made me “me” – energetically and emotionally – would stay the same. Without growth and change I would continue to attract similar experiences over and over and over.

That was then and this is now! Today I have a glad heart, joyful soul and open mind. I’m free! I can move on and am glad that “she” has gone on with her life because I do want her to be happy. But from now on it’s living my life and my happiness I am going to focus on. Jumping for joy I can truly say, I am a very grateful man this morning!

The heart is the only broken instrument that works. T.E. Kalem

2 thoughts on “No Longer Swimming

  1. Awesome revelation. I am so glad you have finally come full circle and have now let go of the “poison” that has tainted your very being for so many years. You are right, many people knew you were still grieving the loss of “her.” But not everyone you attracted should bear the stigma of being considered “unhealthy” (if that is indeed what you are saying…because the healthy ones stayed away). Can’t you just believe there are certain people who saw past whatever dysfunctions you believe you had (or have) and loved you for you? It is possible you know. Anyway, very enlightening and so happy for you.

Comments are closed.