Self Awareness

And Then the Day Came….

/ James Browning / 3 Comments

Be moderate in order to taste the joys of life in abundance.
Epicurus

Looking back I can see lacking moderation burned brightly through the majority of my life.  Only a few years ago I began to see how out of control my behavior was.  That awareness was a shock at first but over time became my personal catalyst for growth and evolution.  
 
Gone are the days of believing I was earning some sort of merit badge to be one of the very last people to leave work each day.  In hindsight what I was trying to prove with that behavior escapes me.  Was I trying to make others think more highly of me because of my hardcore work ethic?  Was I attempting to prove worth to myself?  Was I avoiding things outside of work?  Correct answer:  all three!
 
Once upon a time the home life I cultivated contained even more mania.  Always there was a consuming interest that filled my time away from work.  Learning to fly and owning an airplane filled my spare time for around a decade.  Then came my photography studio for ten years where I worked on average of two nights per week and a day and a half each weekend in addition to my very demanding full-time job.  These and other “interests” were “blocking tools” to avoid dealing with things that needed attention.  Each was a sort of madness I used as something to run away into.  As long as I kept running away I did not have to deal with things. Oh, did I say I was married and had a son in school while I was lost in this craziness?

From the book “Now Is the Time” by Patrick Lindsay
Life rushes between the mundane and madness.
Contentment is often found in moderation.
Balance is elusive.
But simply seeking it allows you to avoid excesses.
Don’t make it a contest:
Allow things to happen naturally.
You’ll be surprised how often they center themselves
And open up vast possibilities.

Running away and living a relentlessly manic life eventually became tiring.  Under the weight of accumulated regret and sheer exhaustion what I was running away from caught up with me.  My junk from childhood tackled and took me down.  My only escape was to finally deal with it all.  And then the day came when the desire to remain the same was more painful than the risk to evolve.
 
Last evening I spent time looking carefully through a notebook and other materials I saved from the five weeks I voluntarily choose to spend at The Meadows http://www.themeadows.com/.  In 2007, it was there I sought treatment for depression, compulsion and childhood trauma.  Until last night my notes from that time had not been touched for over 4 years.   There is no way to have known in advance what an emotional experience reading and looking back would be.
 
Looking through the materials, readily apparent was how far I had come in the fifty months since my recovery began in earnest.  It did my self-image good to see all those baby steps taken day by day since then had accumulated into great positive personal growth.  It was also clear how screwed up I was before my work began in earnest to have a better life. 
 
In a notebook I found there is this I wrote about sexual compulsion:  I came to the Meadows to learn how to learn to manage my addiction; to find a way to keep from damaging my life.  I have been celibate for almost eight months, but I know it was just a matter of time like it has always been in my adult life before eventually I got triggered again.  Most of all my addiction has hurt me, damaged me and caused me to carry a pile of unnecessary shame.  I am tired of it, sick to my bones of the addiction.  There is no peace in my life that I need so badly. 
 
Hand written a few pages later was: By giving in I already have found some relief to my chronic pain from my addiction.  It gives me joy to know that with my Higher Power I can move forward with my life:  one life, not two.  Not one in the open and one secret like before.  I just need to use what I have learned, accept help and stop trying to do it all by myself.  I need to remember I am enough, to love myself and keep my faith in my Higher Power. 
 
Just below I wrote:  I’m 54 years old and I want peace, I need it and will do whatever I can to attain it. 
 
That is exactly what happened.  In the four years since those passages were written a good measure of peace and balance has come into my life.  Truthfully the words “I am happy” can come from my mouth.  And for the first time I have fallen in love without all the noise and dysfunction within me.  I am  very grateful for how far I have come.

Healing may not be so much about getting better, as about letting go of everything that isn’t you – all of the expectations, all of the beliefs – and becoming who you are.  Rachel Naomi Remen

The Problem is not the Problem….

/ James Browning / 3 Comments

Professionally my job is to manage a small business.  On Wednesday’s I have a “first thing in the morning” meeting with seven department heads and I try to leave them with something positive and thought-provoking.  This week it was a two-minute video from the “In Search of Excellence” guy, Tom Peters: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UFZA2rWUjxI

In the video Mr. Peters says:
1) The problem is never the problem.  The response to the problem is almost always the problem. 
2) The way you deal with a problem is frankly so much more important on many dimensions than the problem itself.  
2) Perception is all there is.  There is no reality.  There is only perception.
 
Out of the blue while I was eating lunch yesterday the line “The problem is never the problem…” came up in my mind.  In that moment I realized the statement was just as true for personal life as it was in Mr. Peter’s frame of reference regarding commerce, trade and industry.  Clearly I was able to see the majority of my troubled life experiences did not come from the “codependence” I learned as a child.  My problems came from my response to “codependence”.

That moment of crystal clear thought resonated to be a universal truth I will carry forward.  I’ll remember “the problem for me is not my dysfunction.  The problem is my response to that dysfunction: codependence’.

“Codependence” was originally used to describe one in a relationship with a substance abuser, and is co-dependent with the addict. In that context, the codependent is the person who counts drinks, makes excuses, and is hyper vigilant of the addict’s moods in an attempt to gain some control over something they have no control over….the substance abuser’s behavior.

“Codependence” today has come to mean any person who focuses on another person in order to gain some kind of control. For example, a codependent who lives with a violent man watches him to assess his moods, walks on eggshells to keep from upsetting him, is cautious about what she says so he won’t get mad, etc.  A codependent boyfriend might keep his needs to himself. He doesn’t voice an opinion until he sees what his girlfriend believes, so he won’t come into conflict with her.

The basis of codependence is about having a dysfunctional relationship with my self.  Because I had a dysfunctional relationship internally with myself, I choose dysfunctional relationships externally. The impetus was to take care of others with all I had and to love them without boundaries so they would do the same in return to me.  It was crazy thinking to believe by saving someone I would get saved.  Such action is how a person trying save someone drowning ends up getting pulled under by the drowning person.

In reference to Mr. Peters train of thought “the problem is not the problem, the response is the problem” it is clear to see now my response to codependence was to follow without questioning the conditioning of childhood.  It never occurred to me a big part of the problem was me by choosing those who were not able to have a healthy relationship. Things began to improve when I became aware of my codependence which over time drastically altered my behavior and greatly improved my life.

Examples of “OLD Reactions”
Examples of “NEW Reactions”

Find needy people to take care of
Find healthy people good at self-care
Try to please others instead of myself
Try to please me first instead of others
Feel victimized by the “selfishness” of others
Don’t associate with “victim” players
Try to be all things to all people all the time
Realize I am just me & that is enough
Have difficulty saying “no”/setting boundaries
Set good boundaries and say “no”
Try to prove I am good enough to be loved
I’m good enough to be loved just as I am
Try to be perfect and expect others to be perfect
I am ‘perfectly imperfect’
Have self-blame and put myself down
Rarely put myself down & spot it when I do

My natural and previous reaction to codependence was a tangle of dysfunctional relationships that did not meet my needs.  Romantic relationships, family relationships, work relationships: all my relationships were affected.  But life is different now.  The old behavior is not gone completely.  Decades of habitual response is not eradicated by a few years of awareness.  Every day that I side step my codependent tendencies, the less volume the noise of codependence booms within my life.  I am HUGELY grateful for my improved perception and awareness that guide me to react to my problems in ways that ARE NOT the problem.

Most of the problems in life are because of two reasons:
we act without thinking
we keep on thinking without acting.
Anonymous

Uniquely Myself

/ James Browning / 4 Comments

A long-standing friend I communicate with on a semi-regular basis passes along little gems of wisdom.  Like me, she has known substantial life struggles and is a spiritual seeker trying to find her place in the universe.  For all the time we have known each other, searching for elusive happiness has been her pathway.  My prayer is she finds the peace that has long played ‘hide and go seek’ with her.  Last week she shared a parable about a pencil that touched me.

A pencil maker told a pencil five important lessons before packaging the pencil for sale.
* Everything you do will always leave a mark.
* You can always correct the mistakes you make.
* What is important is inside of you.
* In life, you will undergo painful sharpening’s which will only make you better.
* To be the best pencil, you must allow yourself to be held and guided by the Hand that holds you.

We all need to be constantly sharpened. This parable intends to encourage you to know you are a special person, with unique God-given talents and abilities.  Only you can fulfill the purpose which you were born to accomplish. Never allow yourself to get discouraged and think that your life is insignificant and cannot be changed and, like the pencil, always remember that the most important part of who you are is what’s inside of you.

Some days the subject matter I leave here daily comes quickly.  At times I have enough ideas stored up for days.  On other occasions I wake up with a general sense of gratitude, but lacking focus of thought to pick a single one to write about.  Checking my email this morning I read again the pencil parable from my friend.  And then it hit me what I am most grateful for this morning.  I am grateful for “ME”!

Having spent most of my days having difficulty accepting a compliment, it should be no surprise that I suffered (and still do to an extent) from low self esteem.  While intellectually I know such thinking is illogical and unhealthy, it continues even now, but thankfully to a lesser degree than ever before.

I fear my ego getting the best of me.  I don’t want to appear as full of myself or conceited.  Nor do I want the delusion of “I have arrived” for then I would cease to apply myself to growth with the dedication I have had.  Yet, I know I need to try; I need to try to see the good in me, the talent and ability I have and give credit to self for what has been accomplished.  As I finished that line my fingers froze on the keyboard.  I honestly don’t know what to say about myself.  So I will follow the track of the pencil in the parable to help me find a few qualities to write about.

Everything you do will always leave a mark.  My first reaction is to think of the negative ways I have marked others, but will resist that shackle.  Instead I will write about the people who have attended the 12 step chapter of Codependents Anonymous I helped get going here.  There is no doubt many have benefited by attending the group, including me.  My commitment to the group is a “mark” made which I am proud of.

You can always correct the mistakes you make.  This one is problematic for me as I don’t accept as true that mistakes can be “corrected”.  What I can do is recognize my errors and learn from them.  Amends can be made with people and in some instances peace can be attained.  Recognition of my wrongs done and willingness to try to make things right is life work that will continue as long as I beathe.

What is important is inside of you.  Once upon a time introspection would have been a daunting task because of the awful trepidation I harbored about looking inward.  It took emptying out the poison I fermented from the mistreatment in my childhood before I could begin to see inward.  Once the toxic waste was emptied there became open space within me.  Then slowly through months and years I learned to fill in those spaces with what makes for a good life and to practice a new way of being.

In life, you will undergo painful sharpenings which will only make you better.  Absolutely!  It has been what I did wrong and what was wrongly done to me, the pain I have encountered and the lessons learned that have “sharpened” me.  As a rock can be smoothed in a river by the friction of moving water, the friction of my life has smoothed me.  It has been an honest statement in recent years to say, “I like me now for the first time”.

To be the best pencil, you must allow yourself to be held and guided by the Hand that holds you.  There are few things that have been more difficult than finding acceptance of God/Higher Power/Universal Intelligence.  My unanswered prayers for abuse to stop as a child brought the belief there was nothing beyond me.  Moring into adulthood I came to be my own god with a simple certainty of “if it is to be, it is up to me”.

My recovery from depression and compulsion brought me around to a new view. There came a realization it was not just my work and those aiding my efforts causing my healing.  When opened to whatever it took to have a better life… something unexpected showed up to help.  I can’t identify it exactly and to even try would distance me from it. But with all my being, I know a Higher Power rides along with me for every step of my journey.

I am “perfectly imperfect”.  I am a unique creation of my Higher Power, the intelligence of the universe.  There never has been another exactly like me and there never will again be.  I am uniquely myself.  I am significant and I matter.  And with those few lines my gratitude swells within and brings moisture to my eyes.

Be what you are.  This is the first step toward becoming better than you are.  Julius Charles Hare

I am Nobody but Myself

/ James Browning / 3 Comments

I am all the ages I’ve ever been.
Anne Lamott

I love that quote!  It is insightful and true.

I am still the little 3 1/2 year-old boy who sneaked his father’s pocket knife and when no one was looking busied himself poking holes in the bottom of a metal Band-Aid can, at least until I jammed the whole blade deep into the side of my left hand I was holding the box with.  The moment I saw the blood is my first real memory of knowing fear.  I remember vividly being scared and then seeing how afraid my twenty-two year old mother was when she couldn’t get the bleeding stopped.  Wrapping my hand that wept blood with each of my heartbeats in a towel she took me to her mother’s house about a quarter of a mile away.  How we got there I have no memory of.

My grandmother was the daughter of a man known in his time as an “herb doctor”.  Country folk depended on such healers for every day medical needs as the closest doctor was ten to twenty miles away.  She knew from watching her father that turpentine and sugar would stop bleeding.  Generous amounts of both were poured on my hand, held in place by a towel and the bleeding did slowly stop.  Except it burned like hell, that’s all I have clear memory of.  I do know my hand healed and when making a face with the side of my hand using my thumb as the bottom of a mouth, one eye is already there; a scar from that old wound.

Still today I am the little boy who entered first grade when I was two months past my 6th birthday.  In the rural south there was no kindergarten except a private one in town the “rich kids” got to go to.  I was not one of those.  Being dropped into the first year of school with basically no preparation it remains abundantly clear today howfearful I was initially.  The whole place intimidated me and I struggled at first.  Gradually being sad and wanting to go home went away.  I caught up, was able to keep up and in time grew to love school.

The seven-year old boy in his second year in grade school is still within me.  I had Mrs. Betty Levie as my teacher.  She was young and liked us kids.  We liked her.  Years later she would be my science teacher in junior high and encouraged me to enter projects into several science fairs.  She even drove me to a regional fair forty miles away that my family had no interest in getting me to.  Without Mrs. Levie’s help I would never have won the regional junior high first place trophy for Zoology when I was thirteen.

A boy of ten’s memory is alive and recalls sitting at the kitchen table with his mother and brother eating dinner when she made her big announcement.  She was going to marry the guy she had been seeing which my brother and I did not like at all.  My mind screamed “don’t do it”, but the words were never spoken aloud.  I knew it would do no good to open my mouth.  Within two years this man we were made to call “dad” showed himself to be mentally twisted and down right evil.  Even if it would have done no good, I wish I had spoken up when my mother asked how we felt about her marrying the turkey!

I am still the young man who moved to Colorado at eighteen who struggled to make ends meet.  Having my car repossessed was an embarrassment I can still feel today.  I stuck it out in Colorado Springs and in time was able to support myself working a full-time and two part-time jobs.  While other young twenty-something’s were partying and having a good time, I was working three jobs.  I don’t regret it though.  That determination I managed to muster served me well then and what I learned from the experience has been a good reference point ever since.

The young man of twenty-three who took a bride of twenty-two is still within. We were both just “kids”.  Outwardly so sure of where I was going while internally scared with no idea what the future held, my young wife was the stability I needed to begin to make some sense of life.  Ultimately the marriage ended up being a mess, but it lasted for two decades, produced a son I love dearly and contained my first lessons of what love was.

And so on… I am the same person I was at 30 when my son arrived, at 40 when my first marriage stated to fall apart and at 50 when I was fired from a job of eighteen years.  All the ages I have been created a life cut into facets like a diamond that sparkles in the light when looked at it from an appreciating angle.  Some detail has faded into the background, but key events and periods that shaped me are vividly within. During the near fifty-eight and a half years I have been blessed with so far, I am thankful to have the ability to remember so much. Gratitude runs deep for it all; the joy, the pain, the happiness, the heartache and the love that shaped and guided me to be the man I am today.

All my life I had been looking for something, and everywhere I turned someone tried to tell me what it was.  I accepted their answers too, though they were often in contradiction and even self-contradictory.  I was naïve.  I was looking for myself and asking everyone except myself questions which I, and only I, could answer.  It took me a long time and much painful boomeranging of my expectations to achieve a realization everyone else appears to have been born with:  that I am nobody but myself.  Ralph Ellison

Thanksgiving for One

/ James Browning / 4 Comments

 “Thanksgiving for One” Menu for Thursday, November 22, 2007
Turkey Breast
Stuffing
Corn
Green Beans
Mashed Potatoes
Gravy
Rolls
Butter
Cranberry-Jell
Milk

Four years ago those items were what I prepared for myself on Thanksgiving 2007; one of the loneliest days I have experienced.  Before then I have no memory of a major holiday spent fully alone and certainly never a Thanksgiving.  In 2007 there were two invitations to join others for dinner that day, but I declined knowing the self-prescribed time alone was a dose of the remedy I needed to swallow; the bitter cure I had to ingest. 

At the time I was about a year into serious recovery from depression, trauma and compulsions.  There was a very painful divorce I was still grieving over and was only beginning to become accustomed to my own company.  Previously my “me-alone-time” was limited to no more than a day or two and frequently a few hours was all I could stand.  Any more was usually acutely uncomfortable.  Why?  Because so much of how I felt about myself came from outside me in what psychology calls “other-esteem”. 

When the majority of esteem came outside myself I had limited control over how I felt about “me”.  I gave control away to the things and people I relied upon for “other-esteem”. Like a puppet on strings and someone or something else was always pulling them and controlling me.  What a wild ride it was to be so in pain and yet not know how to take responsibility and control for myself.  

When esteem inside was lacking, the strong tendency was to fill in the void with people, things and whatever would temporarily give me a “fix” and help me feel better.  Those were the days when “other-esteem” came from money, possessions, sex, accomplishments, relationships and things I could “possess”, or at least thought I could.  Such things outside me made me feel better for a little while, but only temporarily.  My need was never sated for long and another fix was needed…then another… and another.   Constantly I needed more and more and yet got less and less from all those external things.

The killer of self-esteem is self-loathing and it is something like a virus.  If exposed to low self-esteem in our families, we catch it from them as we grow up.  My parents caught it from the people who raised them and before them this way of living was likewise passed down from generation to generation.  There is no fault to place today on my parents.  They did the best they knew how.  As an adult there is nothing good to come from the blame game.  Rather, better emotional health comes only when I shoulder the responsibility for me as all mine.    

Low self-esteem is a stage of grief that has not healed.  The message to myself was I did not deserve better and as a grown up I subconsciously undermined me.   It was the thinking I used to keep me from ever having what was wanted and needed.  My thinking always flashed “UNWORTHY” in big red letters.  Being deprived and undeserving is a downward spiral I spun in for years until I finally hit bottom and decided things had to change.    

Quick definitions for Clarity’s Sake
Self:  unique being; individual.
Other: contrary; alternate; reversed.
Esteem: regard; value.

Using those meanings:
What I used to have:   A contrary, alternate and reversed regard and value of myself (Other-Esteem).
What I needed:  An individual regard and value of myself as a unique being (Self-Esteem).

My esteem today is mostly of the “self” variety, but being a work in progress there is still plenty of the “other” variety I do battle with here and there.  The slow but consistent progress I have made has allowed the happiness I enjoy now.  What is won with the greatest difficulty is usually valued most.  Attaining a corrected view of my self turned me inside out and was a highly painful process, but worth every ounce of discomfort.   I am grateful!

Only as high as I reach can I grow,
Only as far as I seek can I go,
Only as deep as I look can I see,
Only as much as I dream can I be.
Karen Ravn

For a quick indication of where you stand with your “self-esteem” go to the link below and take a short ten question quiz that uses the Rosenberg Self-Esteem Scale developed by Dr. Morris Rosenberg.   http://www.wwnorton.com/college/psych/psychsci/media/rosenberg.htm

A Marvelous Day

/ James Browning / 2 Comments

The commitment I made to myself seven months ago was to write here each day, no matter what!  Today is number two hundred fifteen.  My time is slim this evening and the content I offer is hastily written.  To keep my pledge to write daily, this post is arriving just before midnight.  Why so late?  Today was one to be filled with living, not writing.

The marvel of this day just spent, humbles me.

All is well…
Very well. 
I have had a wonderful day…
A marvelous day…
A memorable day…
A good day…

It began with sleeping in for an extra two hours.  I woke rested, ready and thankful for the new day. 

An hour later I was having breakfast at a favorite place with the woman who has my heart.  Afterwards we spent the majority of this rainy Saturday in each other arms.  I love her and she loves me.  How incredibly wonderful!

Tonight I took my best friend out to celebrate his birthday over dinner.  We ended the evening by watching “The Wizard of Oz”. 

I can’t imagine a day ever being any better than this one.  I am content.  I feel loved.  I feel safe.  I am happy.  I am  thankful…. so very thankful!  

If the only prayer you said in your whole life was, “thank you,” that would suffice.  Meister Eckhart

 

Come Home to Now

/ James Browning

Do you find excessive love in your life?
Is there too much tenderness?
Do you have an over abundance of gentleness in your life?
Is there a surplus of luck?
Do you live with an excess of joy in your life?
Is there too much understanding?
Do things go your way too often in your life?
Is there excessive winning for you?
Do you have too much peace in your life?
Is there far more time than you need?
Do you have way too much money in your life?
Is there truth beyond what you desire?
OR
Are you often left to feel too lonely?
Is there not as much love as you’d like in your life?
Do you wish there was more joy?
Is there a shortage of tenderness in your life?
Do you wish things would go your way more often?
Is there a yearning for more peace in your life?
Do you aspire for more money?
Is there a longing for more time in your life?
Do you ache for additional gentleness?
Is there a desire to win more in your life?
Do you need more happiness?
Is there too little truth in your life?

Desiring
Hoping
Yearning
Longing
Hankering
Carving
Needing
Aspiring
Aching
Hungering
Wanting
………… Such constant spinning of the mind creates the storm of uncertainty and unhappiness most live within.

It is the human condition to reach for more of what we have or desire to fill in the lack’s we perceive.  The world is viewed largely through a vision of what is wrong far more than what is good.  We constantly ponder what we question or have incomplete concepts of.  The primal brain of thousands of years ago which kept our ancestors safe in the bush by constantly questioning and looking for “what was wrong or not right” does not serve us so well today.

By realizing I am wired to find fault far too easily and to miss much of what is good I can improve my life experience greatly.  The wondering “what if”; the excessive desiring, hoping, yearning, longing, hankering, carving, needing, aspiring, aching, hungering, and wanting all conspired within me to be the dysfunction I lived with for so a long while.  But no more do I live this way, at least not all the time.

Mindfulness has changed my life experience greatly.  I have come to know everything changes. Everything is impermanent. It was my past attempts to attach myself to impermanent things, and gain happiness thereby, that guaranteed and perpetuated my suffering.  My insight today is only “this moment” is real.  When I find my self wanting and wondering I try to come “home” to “now”.

The life being experienced as I write at this exact moment is a rare, precious opportunity to choose to return to the roots of my being, avoid reactivity, and promote clarity, kindness, and compassion.  And within I am able to share myself here just as I feel at the moment.  I may be different an hour from now, but just “now” this is what is within me.  As an imperfect human I will never always succeed in my attempts to be fully present, but the very attempt always makes me a success.

My view of what “is” can only become clear when my momentary existence is centered in the “now”.  My attempts to live in the present do not currently, and probably will not ever, make up the majority of my life being lived in the “present”.  As an imperfect human I will always be imperfect in my attempts to be fully present, but the very attempt always makes me a success. I am grateful to know that just this little bit of effort makes for a better life.

What is the mind? It is the past, the memory, the accumulated experience. But the moment you have experienced the thing, it is dead. Experiencing is in the present, experience is in the past.  Osho

My Child Within

/ James Browning / 2 Comments

Carl Jung called it the “Divine Child” and Emmet Fox called it the “Wonder Child.” Some psychotherapists call it the “True Self” and Charles Whitfield called it the “Child Within”.  My Inner Child is my emotional self. It is where my feelings live. When I experience joy, sadness, anger, fear, or affection my Child Within is coming out. When I am being playful, spontaneous, creative, intuitive and surrendering to the spiritual self, my Genuine Authentic Self, my Devine Child, is being welcomed and encouraged to be present. 

There is abounding joy in my heart to know you, my Inner Child, are able to come out into the light more often these days from where you hid in the dark for so many, many years.  Much regret that things were as they were for so very long has turned into tenderness I joyfully embrace you with. 

Dear Little One,
The parents who barely noticed you are not around.  You do not have to fear hearing “go get my belt”.  There’s no need for a little boy to wonder what the adults are doing in the dark with their clothes off.  Begging to go to the dentist because a tooth hurts and not getting to go no longer needs to make you sad.  There are no more welts on your legs from a willow “switch” you were whipped with. The Father who never came to see you is gone now.  Sacking coal outside in the rain is no longer your chore to do in the winter cold after school.  The bruises are gone.  You can walk through a room without the man your mother married exploding into a rage over the least little thing.  Seeing your little brother sad and lost while crying where his “Daddy is” has faded.  

Gone are the days of wondering why your mother won’t protect you.  “He” can’t hurt you any longer.  Why your father got another woman pregnant and left you, your brother and mother behind is not a haunting riddle any longer.  Feeling in the way and unwanted is something you don’t have to bear any longer.  Being embarrassed about where you live and the clothes you had is behind you.  You can have friends over now without the stepfather being mean to them or saying things that shame you in front of them.  Gone are the days when you wet the bed.  The wounds on your leg from the barbed wire you ran into while running from “him” in the dark are healed.  No longer do you have to work every day after school and on Saturday in “his” store without getting even a little praise for what you do.  

You don’t have to steal any more to have money for your school lunch.  Gone is being made to feel guilty about the cost when you got hurt and had to go to the doctor.  Who your parents are no longer affects if a girl is allowed to go out with you.  Feeling like an outcast is no longer necessary.  The grades of an honor student, the science fairs you won and other awards at school really did matter even if those at home did not care.  No longer do you have to swallow bad “food” that almost made you throw up every time you were made to eat it.  Those who always made you feel never good enough are no longer around.  I’m glad you don’t bite your fingernails now.  No longer are you “slave labor” for a mentally sick man. You don’t have to be afraid any more.

* You can be a child now.
* It’s OK to make mistakes.
* Laughing and having fun is a good thing.
* You can have friends.
* There is love you are allowed to feel.
* I love you, I care about you and I accept you just the way you are.
* I am so proud of you and all that you are.
* You are so beautiful and attractive.
* You are so bright and talented.
* You are so artistic and creative.
* You are “perfectly imperfect”.
* You are such a good worker.
* I am sorry I let you get hurt.
* I am sorry I neglected you.
* I am sorry I forgot you.
* I am sorry I ignored you.
* I am sorry I took you for granted.
* I am sorry I made you grow up so fast.
* I am sorry I had to rely on you so much.
* You can trust me to take care of you.
* You can trust me to be there for you.
* You can trust me to do my best to protect you from hurt or pain.
I love you,
James

 I found my child within today,
For many years so locked away,
Loving, embracing, needing so much,
If only I could reach in and touch.
I did not know this child of mine,
We were never acquainted at three or nine,
But today I felt the crying inside,
I’m here I shouted, come reside.
We hugged each other ever so tight,
As feelings emerged of hurt and fright.
It’s okay, I sobbed, I love you so!
You are precious to me, I want you to know.
My child, my child, you are safe today,
You will not be abandoned, I’m here to stay.
We laughed, we cried, it was a discovery,
This warm, loving child is my recovery.
“My Child Within” by Kathleen Algoe

The Illusion of Self-Awareness

/ James Browning / 3 Comments

In the last decade I have worked with zeal to become more self-aware.  During the last four years my efforts moved into crescendo and that diligence has resulted in a generous amount of healing and understanding.  In the life I lead now the words “I’m happy” can come from my lips knowing I am telling the pure truth.  There are still wake up calls along the way and today I have been humbled!

Bouncing around the net I came across a statement whose timeliness could not have been better aimed: 

The Illusion of Self-Awareness: We are more Unaware than Aware.

The punctuality of this statement arriving in my presence is a near cosmic occurrence as a biting reminder of my lack of awareness.  Less than a half hour ago the realization hit me; early last week I missed the birthday of my dearest male friend (other than my Brother)! I completely spaced it!  To add to the embarrassment I visited my friend for a few hours over this past weekend.  His birthday did not dawn on me then and he is too much of a gentleman to hint at it.  I feel like a schmuck! (Yes, I know what the word means and it fits how I feel about myself at this moment). 

While I still need to buy a card, the birthday present for my friend’s birthday was purchased over two months ago; so long ago I darn near forgot about it.  There is wisdom to be gained in realizing my self-awareness is not nearly as complete as I have myself believing sometimes.  There is weighty truth for me to be reminded of in the words “we are more unaware than aware”.  Sure ‘nuff!

Yes, I had an important out-of-town company meeting last week and a lot of prep was necessary before the trip.  I am head over heels in love with a wonderful woman in a growing relationship that takes not only my breath away, but also at times my focus (it’s a wonderful thing!). Further, work is challenging in the present economy (I don’t know anyone who has not felt some effect).  None of those reasons are acceptable ones for letting my friend’s birthday slip my mind.  I have no doubt he will be kind and understanding about my absent-mindedness.  I am grateful for that. 

Neuroscientist Dr. David Rock, PhD reported almost 50% of the time we are operating on automatic or not consciously aware of what we are doing. Apparently that is when we’re going at average speed.  When we get busy and really wrapped up in specific things our auto-pilot goes into acute over-use.

Here are a few eye-openers from psychologist Relly Nadler of why our awareness can be so skewed from what is going on around us: 

  1. Intention and execution gap: We have 100% intentions and only 50% effectiveness in carrying out our intentions (at best!).
  2. Our thoughts are facts fallacy: Believing because you think something therefore it is true and don’t check your assumptions with others and worse act only on limited or skewed data.
  3. Superiority illusion: We overestimate our strengths. We think we are more successful, interesting, attractive, and friendly than the average person.
  4. Our memory distorts reality: We create false attributions and stories about the facts of a situation.

OK.  I admit my at-least-sometimes guilt to all four!  Of such things I am sorely aware at this moment after having been humbled with a new lesson about awareness.  A ‘lack’ recognized is again my teacher.  At least for now my awareness is far keener than yesterday.  My fallacies have been shown to me as a reminder that no matter how much I grow, there is always more to go.  And further, there is no arrival or ‘getting there’.  I will always be a work in progress as long as I live.

This morning there is renewed self-awareness that allows me to see where my thoughts and emotions can take me, even when it is to places I did not intend to visit.  When all wrapped up in certain things, I can go mostly blind and my awareness of everything else diminishes. 

Life has so much to teach to a willing student.  I am.  All I have to do is remember to pay attention.  Gratefully I have been reminded of that. 

By becoming more aware, one BECOMES more aware
There is no other method to it. It is a simple process.
Osho

If God Had a Home on Earth

/ James Browning

If God had a home on Earth, where would His/Her home be?  Traditional belief holds the all-powerful force can be everywhere at once and at any moment within any person who welcomes the presence.  So my question is rhetorical, yet pondering an answer and beckoning possibilities lends insight.
 
There are many definitions of “home” and among them is:  a valued place where something is founded; a source.  For sake of avoiding argument, let’s assume God’s home can not be man-made and eliminate any such places we feel He/She has a presence such as a church.  Since God preceded humanity, The Devine’s home on Earth would likewise have to have existed before us.  
 
Growing up many of us were taught in the beginning God created the heavens and the earth.  If one thinks of “home” as being a refuge and place of security, in that context God would have a place somewhere not simmering in the trial and tribulation soup us humans are always swimming in.  So if God has a refuge or home on Earth, I like to think it is within Nature or Mother Nature or Father Nature or whatever label you choose to put on the natural world outside of man’s control and creation. 
 
Yesterday my Love and I took a long drive on country back roads most of the afternoon to take in the autumn beauty of the season change.  What was forecast to be a cloudy day unfolded to have lots of sunshine; a glorious day to be outside.  The feeling always comes of being closer to God when I am close to Nature.  The sense if one of being closer to creation; of seeing things a step more connected to the source.
 
While I have never seen or heard the voice of my Higher Power in the woods, I notice signs all over of HIm/Her.  There is a trace in the yellow and reds of the leaves mingled with some that still hang on to their green.  Evidence is apparent in the squirrels so busy gathering for winter and the wild flower blooms that still hang on waiting for a heavy frost.  I find the presence of God in the smells of the forest, the musky air that circulates within, the clouds that cause sunlight to scatter and speckle through the trees;  the beauty of  Nature.

From “Had We the Eyes” by James Dillet Freeman
How fair a world
Around us lies,
Heaven unfurled,
Had we the eyes.

If the concept of “God” is difficult for you I understand.  Mine once was also and having been abused with religion growing up made it all the more difficult.  I never understood why my prayers for abuse to stop were never heard even though I was made to go to church several times per week.  My belief was true and my prayer  sincere but that did not seem to be enough.  For a time I just thought God did not like me.  I began the long journey back to a view of something bigger than mankind with a perspective of the world as an amazing organism that had developed and bloomed on its own.  With only that way of seeing my existence was improved by being able to see spirituality in Nature.  More came in time.

It is the way of humans to think of ourselves as self-sufficient, yet we can not survive without the air we breathe. Nor can we live long without sunlight, water, and food. Our bodies are totally dependent on Nature and there is where I found God living.  It is easy for me to see a presence there whenever I look. 
 
Traditional beliefs confound me and the more I attempt to define a power higher than me the more I find questions and reason to doubt.  Yet, I feel confident there is a Power or God beyond this world, but also think it is beyond man’s ability to comprehend the complexity of it all.  So I just accept that God is and that is enough for me.
 
Mildred Lisette Norman, also known as the Peace Pilgrim, was an American activist and spiritual missionary who spent the last 28 years of her life walking across the United States for peace.  She was the first woman to walk the entire length of the Appalachian Trailin one season. She described what she called her “wonderful mountaintop experience” in this way:  …important part of it was the realization of the oneness of all creation.  Not only all human beings… I knew before that all human beings are one. But now I know also a oneness with the rest of creation. The creatures that walk the earth and the growing things of the earth… The air, the water, the Earth itself. And, most wonderful of all, a oneness with that which permeates all and binds all together and gives life to all. A oneness with that which many would call God.”
 
If the end of my time comes and I find there is nothing beyond what I have known here, my life will still have been better for what I believe.  I am grateful!  

In many areas of understanding, none so much as in our understanding of God, we bump up against simplicity so profound that we must assign complexities to it to comprehend it at all.  It is mindful of how we paste decals to a sliding glass door to keep from bumping our nose against it.  Robert Brault