Self Awareness

All Evidence of Truth

/ James Browning

A fully functional human being has five primary senses:  sight, touch, taste, hearing and smell.  All of us who have those in good working order rarely if ever contemplate life without them. But, this morning I asked myself “if you had to give up one, which would you choose?”

On the surface that seems like a fairly simple question, but as I began to contemplate it I found it took some time to come up with an answer. 

What did appear quickly was the resounding thought “I would not give up being able to see”.  Art, especially well-done photography, is an important interest:  both making photographs myself and enjoying the work of others.  I can’t imagine not being able to take a photograph or being able to admire work of another photographer.  Writing further the realization comes of how much the loss of sight would take away.  No faces of familiar and loved people could be seen.  The colors of a beautiful sunset would be beyond my ability to experience.   Being an avid reader, I suppose I might be able to learn Braille but would sorely miss “seeing” the words.  No, sight would not be my choice to give up.

Almost as quickly as the realization that life without sight is not something I can imagine, it occurs that hearing is just as important.  Music has been such an important part of my life, including my profession, and can’t imagine not being able to experience it.  Nor can I come to grips with not being able to talk and hear in a conversation.  Certainly there are times when the over-abundance of sound in a large city can be a bit much.  Even so, I can’t imagine not being able to hear it all.

The texture and suppleness of a loved one’s skin is as unique as the color of their eyes.  It is beyond me to imagine not being able to touch and feel those I care about.  To not know the difference between the texture of an apple and an orange would be a great loss.  Due to an injury a few years ago, there is partial numbness of two fingers on my left hand.  That little bit of loss of feeling causes me to be clumsy picking things up with that hand and I often drop things. The limited experience with restricted sense of touch causes me to know I would never willingly give it up. 

This brings me to smell and taste and if I remember science class correctly the two are interrelated. Smell is said to be the sense most easily awakened and the one that creates the deepest memory.  Further, smell helps keep us safe and endears us to places, people and things through our memory of their particular scent.  Then there is taste which allows a plethora of food experiences and perceptions of the world that come through flavor, sweetness, bitterness and sourness. Imagine not knowing the difference in the taste of salt and sugar!

Willingly I would not give up one of the primary senses, but if it was necessary to give up one, my choice would probably be taste.  That sure would make meals a lot simpler and I’d probably lose some weight also.  How boring that would be!

What this little exercise did is cause me a bit greater appreciation for my ability to see, hear, taste, smell and touch.  Just imaging not having a sense now taken for granted is an eye opener.

For at least today everything I will see will be a bit more attractive.  Everything heard will be more pleasing to me.  All things touched will be appreciated with a greater awareness of texture and shape.  Foods will be chewed long and savored so I can enjoy their taste more fully.  And no smell will be met with distaste, even the unpleasant ones. 

Imaging being without one of my senses has brought, at least momentarily, a much greater appreciation for them all.  By moving behind the phrase “you don’t know what you’ve got until it’s gone” I gain present day gratitude and appreciation.  In all ways and all things, learning to be thankful for what I already have is an easy way to increase affluence in my life.  Gratitude costs nothing, but brings great riches.

All credibility, all good conscience, all evidence of truth come only from the senses.  Friedfich Nietzsche

The Only Disability in Life

/ James Browning

All the world’s a stage,
And all the men and women merely players… 
Shakespeare

On the stage of life almost twelve months have evaporated quickly and a scant five days remain before 2012 is a year that was.  I look forward to a new start; a new beginning the birth of a brand new year brings.  The attitude I “act” with on the stage of the coming new year is near completely within my control.  I can choose to play a character filled self-encouragement and motivation, or I can act out a part filled with self defeat and pity.  It’s up to me. 

Anticipating the New Year, there is no doubt it will contain new chapters of hard times, hurt feelings, grief, heartache, physical pain and emotional distress.  Life is ALWAYS difficult, but it is ALWAYS GOOD too.   I know 2012 will also contain love, joy, happiness, laughter, friendship, and good times.  .  It is my choice whether what I speak to myself is optimistic or pessimistic. 

“The Pessimist” by Ben King
Nothing to do but work,
Nothing to eat but food,
Nothing to wear but clothes,
To keep one from going nude.

Nothing to breathe but air,
Quick as a flash it’s gone;
Nowhere to fall but off;
Nowhere to stand but on.

Nothing to comb but hair,
Nowhere to sleep but bed,
Nothing to weep but tears,
Nothing to bury to dead.
 
Nothing to sing but songs,
Ah, well!  Alas! A lack!
Nowhere to go but out,
Nowhere to come but back.

Nothing to read but words,
Nothing to cast but votes,
Nothing to hear but sounds,
Nothing to sail but boats.

Nothing to see but sights,
Nothing to quench but thirst,
Nothing to have but what we’ve got,
Thus though life we are cursed.

Nothing to strike but a gait,
Everything moves that goes,
Nothing at all but commonsense,
Can ever withstand these woes.

From “Hustle and Grin”– Anonymous
(A Lesson in Optimism and Pessimism)
Nothing to do but work,
Smile, and the world smiles with you;
Knock, and you go it alone;
For the cheerful grin
Will let you in
Where the kicker is never known.

Growl, and the way looks dreary;
Laugh, and the path is bright;
For a welcome smile
Brings sunshine, while
A frown shuts out the light.

Sigh, and you rake in nothing;
Work, and the prize is won;
For the nervy man
With backbone can
By nothing be outdone.

Hustle, and fortune may bless you;
Quit, and defeat is sure;
For there’s no chance
Of deliverance
For the man who can’t endure.

I can lament living many of my past days as a pessimist and cut out more hours of that sort for my life.  Or I can choose the optimist’s path where every day is a good day (even the most difficult ones).   I am grateful to have learned well and practice often what Ella Wheeler Wilcox wrote:  Say you are well, or all is well with you and God shall hear your words and make them true.  

The only true disability in life is a bad attitude. 
Scott Hamilton

Notes from the Universe

/ James Browning / 2 Comments

Two of my friends, one a woman in Kansas and the other a guy in Ohio have over time sent me a “Note from the Universe”.  The friend in Kansas passed along this one last Friday: 

If it’s not yet obvious to you, the real reason for this, and all seasons, is you, James. A more perfect child of the Universe has never lived. Until now, only celebrations cloaked in myth and mystery could hint at your divine heritage and sacred destiny. You are life’s prayer of becoming and its answer. The first light at the dawn of eternity, drawn from the ether, so that I might know my own depth, discover new heights, and revel in seas of blessed emotion. 

A pioneer into illusion, an adventurer into the unknown, and a lifter of veils. Courageous, heroic, and exalted by legions in the unseen. 

To give beyond reason, to care beyond hope, to love without limit; to reach, stretch, and dream, in spite of your fears. These are the hallmarks of divinity – traits of the immortal – your badges of honor. May you wear them with a pride as great as the immeasurable pride we feel for you. 

Your light has illuminated darkened paths, your gaze has lifted broken spirits, and already your life has changed the course of history.

This is the time of year we celebrate James Browning. 

WOW!  That is moving stuff.  Each time one of the “Notes from the Universe” has come my way via a friend the message has touched me. Having seen only three or four and then getting the note above, I was highly intrigued and decided to do some investigation.

A brief explanation  found here:  http://www.tut.com/resources/notes/

What started in 1998 as an email sent out weekly to 38 addresses has since blossomed into today’s daily Notes from the Universe, sent to over 385,000 subscribers in 189 countries! These Notes are brief passages written by “The Universe,” personalized with your name (and occasionally your personal goals and dreams), designed to remind you that you have, indeed, been given dominion over all things.

More about the originator: 

Mike Dooley is an international tax accountant-turned-entrepreneur-turned writer for “the Universe.” His “Notes from the Universe” series was inspired by the weekly e-mail list which now has thousands of subscribers. As one of the featured teachers in The Secret book and DVD, Dooley is actively using the Law of Attraction to expand his own business by leaps and bounds. He travels internationally, speaking to thousands on life, dreams, and happiness. For more about Mike Dooley and his seminars, visit tut.com.  (T.U.T. stands for “Totally Unique Thoughts”).  

If you are interested in signing up to get “Notes from the Universe” as I did a short while ago, here’s the link:  http://www.tut.com/resources/notes/

I am grateful for to my friends for turning me on to the “Notes” and look forward to receiving them on a regular basis.  I will report on them again here in about thirty days and share my impressions of getting them every day.

 Happy “Day After Christmas”!

After I signed up for “Notes from the Universe” this is the message I received:

In the face of adversity, uncertainty, and conflicting sensory information, I hereby pledge to remain ever mindful of the magical infinite, loving reality in which I live – a reality that conspires tireless in my favor.

I further recognize that living within space and time, as a Creation amongst my Creations, is the ultimate Adventure, because thoughts become things, dreams do come true, and all things remain forever possible.

As a Being of Light, I hereby resolve to live, love, and be happy, at all costs, no matter what, with reverence and kindness for All.  So be it!

Part of Loving is to Let Go

/ James Browning / 1 Comment

Her name was Evelyn Thompson and she was my girlfriend when I has a junior in high school.  She was a year older and my first serious girlfriend. I loved her to the capacity a 16-year-old boy can.  Never before had I cried over the loss of a girlfriend, but when she broke up with me tears of heartbreak came for the first time. I felt her loss from my life deeply.

While her parents tolerated me, the relationship Evelyn and I had scared them. It’s clear today they wanted her to go to college and being seriously involved with a ‘boy’ was a threat to that. In reality our relationship probably was a bit dangerous for their hopes and who knows what might have happened without the pressure they put on her. Garth Brooks wrote “some of God’s greatest gifts are unanswered prayers”.  Certainly that was true of Evelyn and me. I was such a mess emotionally then and would certainly have made chaos of anything we might have become.

The time was 1969-1970 and my home life was at its peak of dysfunction. My mother’s drinking was escalating and my despised stepfather was getting meaner as he took my adolescence as a serious threat. It was getting harder for him to control and abuse me because I made my own money, paid my own bills, excelled at school and was a good kid. He had nothing to be upset at me about, although he still found reasons that were ever-increasing growing thin.

In a matter of a few months I would stand up to him when he drew back to hit me saying “go ahead. I’ll stomp you until you’re a grease spot”. I was at my breaking point and at that moment there was no doubt my intentions would have been to inflict as much damage to him as possible.  He saw the pent-up rage in my eyes and knew I absolutely meant what I said. He did not touch me that day or ever again. He and my mother threw me into the street three weeks later.

On foot with a suitcase I left walking down the street and never went back. With enough money for two nights I sat in my motel room pondering my options.  I realized there were few.  My part-time job did not yeild enough income to live on my own and go to school at the same time. There was only one choice. I called my Father two hundred miles away who I barely knew.  He heard me say “I have no place to go. Can I come stay with you?” He took me in and gave me the best year of my childhood.  My senior year of high school was happily spent with my Father, stepmother and eight year old half-sister.

Had it not become necessary for me to move two hundred miles away, there is certainty within it would have been Evelyn I eventually sought solace from.  My confidence is strong that she would have tried to help me if I had asked. I also feel certain she could not have given me what I needed to make my life better. Even if we had gotten back together, we were so very young.  With my dysfunctions learned growing up I would have unintentionally torn us apart as I was nowhere near ready for a long-term relationship. Heck, I was not even ready for one then another failed marriage.  Only in more recent times have I arrived at a point of mental clarity where I have a good chance of being in a long-term love relationship successfully.

With some regularity I wonder what happened to Evelyn Thompson of Ashland, Alabama, Class of 1970.  There are no thoughts of trying to rekindle an old flame. I know well there is no going back and life cannot be lived in reversed.  Today I am uncertain how true and deep my love for her really was anyway. What I recall feeling most about her had a lot to do with wanting to feel needed, important and cared about by someone.  She was tender and kind to me; rare commodities in my teen years.

Gratefulness lives deep and solid in my heart for the sweet times Evelyn and I shared.  We never had sex and even making out was never anything past an “R” rating.  The memory I retain is of a relationship that was gentle and caring.  A favorite memory is sitting in her family’s living room listening to Tommy James and the Shondells “Greatest Hits” while holding hands and hugging with an occasional smooch.  We went to different schools and she went to my “Junior-Senior Prom”.  I went to hers.  Buried in an old trunk not opened in years till recently remains a double frame with a photo taken at each prom along with my lapel flower from one or the other.  I have not thought of those things in years.

Years ago I heard she married and was working for the power company in Gadsden, Alabama. I never followed up and it’s just as well. My hope is Evelyn is having a rewarding life blessed with much happiness. The pain of our breakup forty-one years ago has mellowed into sweet and cherished memories I am grateful for.  Evelyn, thank you for being ‘my girl’ once upon a time!

Part of loving is learning to let go.
The Wonder Years Television show

Six Good Reasons

/ James Browning / 1 Comment

Until four years ago I was completely ignorant it was moderate depression that hit me for a few days every four to six weeks.  My assumption was I was “normal” and everyone went through a short period several times a year when life was one big question.  When the darkened days arrived, uncertainties came that were many and answers few.  Colors appeared faded, nothing tasted good, all sound seemed like noise and touch became numbness.  In survival mode, I hid what I was feeling from everyone, or at least tried very hard to.  

Today I know it was “me” I was running from.  Once I came face to face with my self about five years ago and lived through the healing hell of self acceptance, the “monster” of depression lost much of its ability to abuse me.  It still comes, but less often and with far less intensity.  When depression pops up it no longer robs me of  my senses of color, taste, touch and sound.  With just knowing depression for what it is I am much stronger and far more alive. Awareness can do amazing things.   Coming to know and accepting the real “me”, forgiveness and self-administered kindness are highly effective curatives.

Now when dark clouds start gathering and the winds of dissatisfaction begin to blow, I fall back on what I have learned.  Simple sayings have become sign posts I hold on to so I am not blown off course.  Here are six good reasons that help me stay my course:   

Have patience with all things, but chiefly have patience with yourself. Do not lose courage in considering your own imperfections but instantly set about remedying them — every day begin the task anew.  Saint Francis de Sales

Pain insists upon being attended to. God whispers to us in our pleasures, speaks in our consciences, but shouts in our pains. It is his megaphone to rouse a deaf world.  C.S. Lewis

What you thought before has led to every choice you have made, and this adds up to you at this moment. If you want to change who you are physically, mentally, and spiritually, you will have to change what you think.  Dr. Patrick Gentempo

One of the most tragic things I know about human nature is that all of us tend to put off living. We are all dreaming of some magical rose garden over the horizon – instead of enjoying the roses blooming outside our windows today. Dale Carnegie

Character cannot be developed in ease and quiet. Only through experience of trial and suffering can the soul be strengthened, ambition inspired, and success achieved. Helen Keller

It is never too late to be what you might have been. George Eliott

Trying at this moment to make a complete gratitude list for the help I found in overcoming the effects of depression, my attempt will be very incomplete.  However, top of mind that I am grateful for is my therapist who lit the way, the tools I learned at The Meadows, the support of other sufferers and the love and caring I received from a few dear to me.  Now I know around one in three people suffer at least sometimes as I used to.  In that knowledge comes great comfort for me that I have always been far from alone.  I am very grateful.      

Whenever someone sorrows, I do not say, “Forget it,” or “it will pass,” or “it could be worse” — all of which deny the integrity of the painful experience. But I do say ”delve into the depth. Stay with the feeling”. Think of it as a precious source of knowledge and guidance. Then and only then will you be ready to face it and be transformed in the process.  Peter Koestenbaum

The Supreme Excellence

/ James Browning / 3 Comments

Occasionally a particular happening  comes along to grab my sense of gratitude. Something happens, a meaningful insight comes, or a particular event takes place to cause my thankfulness to rise and surge within.

There are many other times when awareness of simple every-day living becomes more acute and my gratefulness grows from a mixture of directions.  For specific reasons unknown, during the last twenty-four hours I have experienced a heightened awareness of being grateful for my life.  At least for a short while, so much less has been taken for granted.

Driving into the city last evening, the skyline sparkled distantly in the cold and clear nighttime air.   From the top of a few hills our view was of city lights that twinkled to the horizon.  I saw beauty and gratitude swelled within.

Arriving downtown we were able to find a good, close-in parking space by waiting our turn and being patient.  The walk to the arena was arm in arm for a few blocks.  The calm night air felt good on my face. I felt completely in the moment and gratitude swelled within. 

The performance we attended last night was my fourth year in a row to see The Trans Siberian Orchestra do their annual Christmas show.  The cast of many did not disappoint and while the material is much the same year to year, I enjoyed what they played as one enjoys the company of a well-known friend.  I was dazzled by the music, lights and performers and gratitude swelled within.

My Sweetie and I like to hold hands in the car and last night was no exception.  There was joy in my heart as we drove toward home on a beautiful night, after an impressive show.  I felt contented and gratitude swelled within. 

Sleep came easily last night after a long, wonderful day.  I slept well.  There are even a few moments of a whimsical dream I still remember now that make me smile and blush when those remnants come to mind.  I woke rested and gratitude swelled within. 

Each Saturday morning I attend a Codependence Anonymous meeting and while the groups are always good, today was exceptional for someone.  A fairly new member who appeared a bit lost before had breakthroughs and seemed to see a difficult but do-able life path forward.  I benefited from hearing someone talk about a path similar to the one I have walked and gratitude swelled within.

This afternoon I met my best guy-friend at a movie theatre.  We took in the matinée screening of the new Muppets movie.  When the weekly Muppets TV show was on I was hooked and the new film is much like those great old programs.  I laughed a lot and gratitude swelled within. 

Being short of pocket-cash late this afternoon I stopped at a ‘green machine’.  As I waited for the machine to process my withdrawal and whir through the moments before it spit out money there came an abounding sense of plenty.  I lack for nothing money can buy!  I felt richly blessed and gratitude swelled within.

Tonight the woman in my life is coming over to watch a movie and share the evening with me. Being with her enriches my existence in a way never dreamed of.  We laugh, talk, kiss, hug and enjoy each other so very much.  I feel love for her and gratitude swells within. 

Today I am aware of simple things like lights that come on when I flip a switch, music playing out of the stereo on my desk and running water for the shower I will take in a little while.  All around me, every day I live a life that is spectacular in ordinary and common ways.  My days do get great value from an occasional momentous event that happens and sweeps me off my feet.  My greatest joy comes from being aware of how fortunate I am to have the life I do:  My Life.  I am truly blessed and humbly grateful.

In character, in manner, in style, in all things, the supreme excellence is simplicity.
Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

Old Dogs CAN Learn New Tricks

/ James Browning / 3 Comments

There is a primitive part of the brain that science identified years ago as containing a human’s innate instinct for survival.  This behavior comes without conscious thought and is a reflex to be on guard and scan our environment for threats or “what’s wrong”.  When mankind lived in the bushes and was under constant threat the instinct served us very well.  In today’s environment the “what’s wrong” reflex can easily get misapplied and overused to cause fault finding where there are none.

All people have flaws and my life experience has shown me I have more than most.  Yet, in awareness and through consistent hard work to get past my defects of character I believe I am healthy, moral and mentally strong today.  However, no matter what, some people will always see me as I once was and not as the me I am today.  There is nothing I can do about that, but it still bothers me sometimes.

This week an ex-wife contacted me through email and with a three note exchange it because obvious she was viewing me as I once was.  Yes, I lied to her.  Yes, I cheated on her. In the end what happened literally broke my heart and showed me the lowest lows of my life.  There was great pain for both of us, but good did come of it for me.  The end of the relationship was the wakeup call where I was finally able to see my behavior for what it was and begin work in earnest to get better. Today I am well balanced and whole inside.  The feeling of being “not good enough” is quite dim most of the time and no where near what it used to be.  Simply I am the best I have ever been inwardly and outwardly.  My ‘ex’ does not see that though.

In contemplating the happening of yesterday I ended up taking issue with such sayings as “a leopard cannot change its spots”, a tiger can’t change its stripes” or “you can’t teach an old dog new tricks”.  Maybe you can’t teach a critter new tricks or get them to change their very color, but humans can change through intention and determination.  Heck, dogs, tigers and leopards live at best around 15-17 years and a human lives five or more times that.  Maybe if the animals lived as long as people their stripes, spots and tricks could change.

In pondering this whole subject and poking around on the internet I found that people often accept as truth sayings that are absolutely contradictory.  For example:

“You can’t teach an old dog new tricks.” VS.  “You’re never too old to learn.”
“Actions speak louder than words.” VS.  “The pen is mightier than the sword.”
“Silence is golden.” VS.  “The squeaky wheel gets the grease.”
“Never judge a book by its cover.” VS.  “Clothes make the man.”
“Opposites attract.” VS. “Birds of a feather flock together.”

Did you know that “an apple a day keeps the doctor away” was a marketing slogan dreamed up in the early 1900’s by American apple growers concerned that the temperance movement would cut into sales of apple cider?  While apples are good for you, believing that because of an advertising catchphrase shows how gullible we are.

Further, we often bastardize sayings beyond their original meaning.  It is not unusual to hear someone say “He got off scot free” and I’ll bet you 99% of people believe they are making some reference to Scottish people.  In reality “scot” is an old Norse word that means “payment” so the phrase has an original meaning of “not having to pay”.

Another is “If you think that, you have another thing coming” which is supposed to end with “another THINK coming”.  That error is so wide spread if you Google “another thing coming” you’ll get something like 150,000 results, while “another think coming” returns about one fourth of that.

I take great exception with the saying “people don’t change”.  Yes, we all have ingrained personality traits, but we are not held captive by them.  To believe I can not change is only encouraging myself to accept my weaknesses.  A comparison of my self of today with person I was a few years ago shows me I am the same, yet so much more than I was. Unchanged is how I think and process information but experience, recovery and hard work has changed the way I interpret everything and how I act. Every day adds a new layer of character. That’s why I find myself today approaching getting older with optimism rather than dread. I am grateful to know and believe what Emerson wrote “As we grow old the beauty steals inward.”

Growth is the only evidence of life.
John Henry Newman

Warts and All

/ James Browning / 4 Comments

When the phrase “I love me” was spoken aloud the statement used to feel awkward, uncomfortable and untrue.  No, more than that; it felt stupid.  Now I know why it seemed so foreign; I did not love myself!  At best I loved myself a little with lots of reservations built in.   At worst, I held myself in great contempt and could come up with nothing specific to love myself for.  I have learned that love of self is inexplicably tied to my ability to love others.  Whenever love is conditional upon external conditions it is not really love at all and likely some sort of compulsion or obsession instead.  Coming to know love “warts and all” has been a real eye opener for me.  Or better yet, a real “soul opener”. 

The phrase “warts and all” has often been credited to Oliver Cromwell’s instructions to the painter Sir Peter Lely.  Lely’s painting style was, as was usual in the 1600’s, intended to flatter the sitter.  Cromwell had a preference for being portrayed as a military man and disdained any form of personal vanity. Cromwell was so adamant that Lely modified his usual overly complementary style and did what the leader wanted.

It is recorded that Cromwell’s words were “Mr. Lely, I desire you would use all your skill to paint my picture truly like me, and not flatter me at all; but remark all these roughness’s, pimples, warts and everything as you see me, otherwise I will never pay a farthing for it.”  We have Oliver Cromwell’s death mask as a reference. The mask shows a face with warts and imperfections making it evident that Lely’s portrait is an accurate record of Cromwell’s actual appearance.

How I began to love myself was to find some acceptance for my “roughness’s, pimples, warts”.  I made peace with my non-perfect features and habits.  It took time to come to see that each of those imperfect things worked together to create a unique person that has not been before nor will ever be again.  Given time and practice I did come to know the meaning of “perfectly imperfect”.  I became glad to be me.

My acceptance of self had to happen on many levels before I could love myself.  There had to be peace made with my age (in my 50’s) and wishes of being younger had to be taken down to few and far between.  I needed a clear realization of what my talents were which could only come with acceptance of my lack of talent in other things.  It was the contrast between the two that created a more clear way of my seeing me.  There needed to be pride and satisfaction from my past good behaviors and forgiveness for the ones I regretted.  Finding fulfillment in my fiscal health as it was had to happen so I could put away “wishing my life away” for money and things I did not have.  It even took accepting that no woman would ever love me again romantically in order for romantic love to find me.  

The pinnacle of the lesson could not be achieved until I found contentment with who I was and what I had done.  Only then could I love myself.  If I allowed misgivings about my past or disliked my present lot in life, my ability to love was unconditionally was stunted.  

Once upon a time I thought “self-care” was about spoiling one’s self.  Luxury, comfort and pleasure were always the first things that came to mind when I thought of it.  As enjoyable as such experiences may be they are not necessarily good self-care and can easily be the reverse in the form of a compulsion or addiction.

Today I love my self.   Saying “no” to something I don’t want to do is good self-care just as well as eating healthfully is.  Making sure I get ample sleep and rest is good self-care and so is setting good boundaries with others.  Even putting people not good for me outside my life is good self-care just as well as getting past bad habits. 

Until personal truth was made of the statement “you can not truly love others until you love yourself” I honestly did not know what love really was.  Opening my heart, mind and soul to acceptance of the “real me”is what brought me to its true meaning.  Once I began to find “me” I discovered love had been around me the whole time.  However, my state of being previously caused me to be unable to feel it.   Today I am grateful for the ability to feel honest human emotion and to love myself “warts and all”.  Joy leaps in my heart as I write those words.

Self love is food for your mind-body-soul, the nourishment that you need even before you can make any meaningful attempt to do anything great or anything at all. You access the beauty, strength, grace and eternal nature that is you.  Evelyn Lim

No Longer in the Shadows

/ James Browning / 3 Comments

For over four years attending meetings of Codependence Anonymous ( http://www.coda.org/ or  http://coda-tulsa.org/ ) has been a consistent personal commitment. Going to these two weekly 12 step gatherings has been a big help in coming to understand Codependecy issues that created havoc in my life and working past them.  Here on this blog previously were listed all the afflictions I got into recovery for, but for the subject of today’s blog only one is being brought up: sexual compulsion.  While there are arguments going on today about whether people actually can use sex in the same manner an addict uses a substance, I can assure you from personal experience a person can.  I did.  I hated myself every step of the way, but that hatred did not stop me from “medicating with my habit of choice”.   

I wish there was a local chapter of Sexual Compulsives Anonymous, but am grateful local meetings for groups related to SCA are in town.  I have attended meetings of Sexual Addicts Anonymous (SAA) and Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous (SLAA).  The former was down right scary to me and seemed to be populated by people whose dysfunction had growth way beyond anything I could imagine (my heart goes out to them).  The meetings of the latter group were helpful but not targeted to my needs.

Contemplating trying to start a local chapter of Sexual Compulsives Anonymous, I have been reading material from the organization on their website http://www.sca-recovery.org/compulsive.htm .  There I found:  Members of SCA have learned through sharing their experience, strength, and hope with each other that sexual compulsivity is a disease.  This disease has three dimensions: physical, emotional, and spiritual.  Physically, we engage in sexual behaviors that we know are not healthy for us or that place us in legal, physical, or spiritual jeopardy.  Emotionally, we experience a “high” in contemplating and engaging in the “acting out” behavior, followed by an emotional let-down after acting out has concluded.  Spiritually, we feel disconnected from others, especially from relationships we want to be “healthy” ones. 

Clearly I can relate to all three dimensions described and have been greatly disappointed in the past when people thought my behavior was a choice.  I assure one and all it is not something a person makes a conscious choice to do.  The compulsions were so strong resisting them seemed impossible until I got into recovery, understood the dysfunction, where it comes from and overtime developed healthy behaviors  Just like beating drugs or alcohol, it was difficult, especially at first.  Taking it one day at a time, one step at a time as the recovery programs suggest brought me in time to be a healthy being, sexually and otherwise.  Looking back my past behavior looks so insanely crazy, but that viewpoint today is from a point of healthfulness.  A person lost in craziness has a very difficult time focusing and seeing the amount of crazy they are practicing.  When I was lost in the storm I could not see outside of what swirled around me.

A substantial part of my recovery was to find a long period of sexual sobriety.  As an alcoholic gets the shakes without his drink, I got the mental shakes from my not giving in to my unhealthy desires.  However, once the moment arrived when I knew I HAD TO HAVE a different life, a normal life, I gained the strength to bear the “mental shakes” without giving in to them.  Those who doubt the presence of a Higher Power have never been to the low depths I was down to.  It took being broken down to the point of helpless for me to find a willingness to accept help beyond myself.  But I did, and with assistance from my Higher Power I began to move forward to where I am today.  If I try to define “God” I get lost in the attempt.  The simple knowing there is a power beyond me is enough.  

Where am I?  Love has come into my life and for the first time I don’t find myself feeling strongly about a woman and lusting after others in my mind at the same time.  She is all I need.  Being in recovery herself, she “gets me”.  There is no reason to hide anything.  The realization still amazes me of how wonderful love and sexual expression can be when focused on one person.  I have never known such peace before.  With 100% of me in the relationship while deeply in love, everything about my life has gained a sparkle never experienced previously.   

The paragraphs above were written to get to a single point of immense gratitude.  Last evening there was a Codependents Anonymous meeting attended by seven attractive women and me.  While there are other examples in recent times, none was as striking as last evening when the realization hit me of how far my recovery has come.  I was able to be at the meeting and completely comfortable with a room full of women while just being myself.  There were no inappropriate thoughts running through my head distracting me and focus on the meeting itself was easy.  To many my realization may seem like no big deal.  Well aware I am that one does not get awards for becoming a functional human being who can be called to some extent “normal”.  But I am giving myself a big pat on the back anyway, for to think of myself as somewhere near the realm of “normal” used to feel impossible.

Today I am grateful the storm within no longer rages.  I am very glad my life has ceased to be lived in part as a secret and my sexuality is no longer lost in the shadows.  There is much thankfulness for the peers who I have shared recovery with.  My gratefulness for the love in my life humbles me.  Yes, without a doubt… gratitude truly is one of the great secrets to a good life.   

That which does not kill us, makes us stronger.
Friedrich W. Nietzsche

What You Think of Me is None of My Business

/ James Browning / 2 Comments

When considered all together, getting older is a good balance of what I am glad about and what I sometimes wish were no so.  Of course, having more of the hair I used to have or a back that does not ache after working in the yard or to not need reading glasses are good examples of what’s on the “I wish were not so list”.  Moving to the “I’m glad about list” immediately I find gratitude for knowledge not possible in younger years that has come from a broad range of life experience.  I cherish the wisdom earned the hard way mostly from my mistakes. 

One of the gems of wisdom I am grateful for is summed up in the words of Wayne Dyer:  What you think of me is none of my business.  No magic immunity from such thinking have I learned, but what others think of me plainly matters much less here in the fifth decade of my life than ever before.  Bosses I work for don’t make me nervous any more (does it have anything to do with the fact that most are younger and less experienced than me?)  Dressing nicely still matters, but comfort in what I have on is at the top of my list and matters ten times more than what others think of my wardrobe.       

A good deal of personal growth is evident to anyone who has long known me.  However, inwardly there remains speculation from time to time if I measure up in other people eyes.  An often successful method I use to combat such “stinking thinking” is to self-question with this thought:  How would I feel if I was literally unable to worry about another person’s opinion of me?  Getting some sort of silent mental answer in response to that quandary seems to banish the need to care what others think more often than not.  

Deep down I know I don’t need the approval of others. It is my ego, the fragile little pretend person within, that craves approval and fears disapproval. Even with the wisdom of years my mind will take things personally sometimes if I let it.  The need to attempt to gain power through approval and disapproval games will always be there. Here in middle age I am grateful to be able to separate myself from my ego more successfully and know approval and disapproval have no real value whatsoever.  In reality, another person’s thought or opinion about me is never personal, because it is never really about me in the first place. It’s about them. A person’s thoughts about anything and everything are only about them self. 

Writer Byron Katie has written several self-help books that have been insightful to me.  She says my business is what I think and what I feel.  If I get worried about how someone feels about me, I’m in their business. And if I’m busy living in their business, how am I present for my own business?  A helpful process Katie recommends to throw off untrue thoughts she calls “Inquiry”.  This process I have found helpful includes four questions to ask one’s self:
1. Is it true?
2. Can you absolutely know that it’s true?
3. How do you react when you think that thought?
4. Who would you be without the thought?

The most intimate relationship I have is the one with my own mind.  When that chatterbox in my head is stressing and screaming, I find that it will keep on doing it until I give it some attention.  That sort of thinking is like a toddler in a grocery store pitching a fit until it gets attention.  One way I give that attention is  putting my thoughts through Byron Katie’s four questions.  When I truly question their validity it’s common to find beliefs I have had for 5, 10, 30 years, even the worst, most stressful ones, disappear with regularity.  Then the “monkey mind chatterbox” (my brain) slows down and living becomes easier and life tastes better.  

When I can consider things objectively I see the most others can have of me is an opinion.  When thinking clearly I know to elevate another’s opinion of me to the status of a judgment is simply ridiculous. No one can judge me unless I grant him or her the power of being my judge.

When I let go of worry over other people’s opinions, I become free to reflect on my own opinion of myself. Living according to my own truth is an act of self-love and self-care. When I live according to my own beliefs and stay in my own  business (and out of other’s business), I find others usually will honor the truths I live by, whether they agree with me or not.  To know that tidbit of wisdom is a gift I’m grateful for.

I don’t know the key to success, but the key to failure is trying to please everybody. Bill Cosby