People

A Small Collection of Common Gratitude

/ James Browning / 1 Comment

Yesterday afternoon while away from home attending a company meeting in Scranton I had about an hour to sit back and watch the world go by.  I was able to enjoy being outside on a day when the temperature was in the low 80’s.  What a contrast that weather was to the 100+ degree days I head home today in Oklahoma.   The time spent sitting just outside a little coffee shop turned out to be one of those occasions when my mind was still and I was in the moment.  The longer I watched life going on around me the more of a feeling of gratitude came over me. 

Sitting at my sidewalk table in the shade I enjoyed a cup of good, fresh coffee while randomly taking in different things around me.  Sitting by my feet was a new computer bag I was using for the first time on this trip. It was purchased a few weeks ago to replace a tattered bag that has at least 20,000 miles on it. I travel quite a bit and splurged to get a really good bag that will last for years.  It struck me while sitting yesterday at my little momentary corner of the universe there have been times in my life when a month’s rent was less than the purchase price of my new computer bag.  The moment that realization hit me I felt very fortunate that I could afford such a luxury. 

As people walked past I noticed the frowns on many people’s faces.  Here in Northwestern Pennsylvania there are serious economic difficulties and lots of people don’t have jobs or are under employed.  I am certain a few of the people who walked by were suffering a lot from the tough times we live in right now. Watching the parade of people passing by I was struck by how lucky I am to have a good job and a rewarding career.  Many are not blessed so 

At one point a women who looked to be in her 40’s shuffled by slowly using a cane.  It appeared she had either had a stroke or been injured as once side of her body did not seem to function as well as the other.  My eyes became slightly misty for a moment as I watched her struggle along with such great effort.  I felt sorry for her and filled with thankfulness for the good health I enjoy.  I have accumulated my share of aches and pains but nothing major.  Physically I can do most anything I wish to do.  Many don’t have that opulence.  I am grateful that I do. 

Flour or five people who were at least in their 70’s or 80’s shuffled past slowly as they headed to the drug store less than a block away.  There seemed to be two kinds of old folks out yesterday:  the ones who while being old, looked to be in pretty good health with bright eyes and decent mobility.  Then there were the others who moved slowly with great difficulty.  I was reminded I likely have lots of years left and if I continue to take care of myself I will end up as the bright-eyed variety of old people.  A bit of good health is lucky genetics, but a good bit is under my control.  I am glad I have taken care of myself over the years.  Few can guess my age accurately.  I am grateful!

A guy who was probably homeless asked me for spare change as he walked by slowly.  I have never liked loose change in my pockets and was happy to give the pan handler what I had.  He quickly was on his way before the proprietor of the coffee show could notice him.  He did say “thanks.  God bless you” and as I watched him cross the street I wondered what his story was.  How did he end up having to beg?  What had gone wrong in his life? Was he an addict or down on his luck or both?  I wondered what he would use the change for. Silently inside my head I heard the phrase “there but for the grace of God go I” and got goose bumps realizing how good my life is. 

Looking further away across the street I could see the local court-house that appeared to have been redone in recent years.  Seeing the flag out front flapping in the breeze caused me to take momentary stock of my thanks for being an American.  A lot does need to be fixed in this country, but a lot is great about the good ole USA too. 

Halfway down the block what appeared like a group of six or seven college age students were talking and cutting up in front of another sidewalk café.  At least while I watched, no studying was going on although books were laid out on the tables and laptops were out and fired up.  While I sometimes lament letting some of my years behind me get away too fast, watching this group made me glad to have my 20’s long behind me.  Those were painful and difficult years and I am grateful to have them behind me.  

As I grabbed my empty coffee cup and napkin and began walking over to the trashcan to throw them away I knew was in a better mood than when I first sat down.  And my state of mind was pretty good to start with! 

In only about 15 minutes while enjoying the cool afternoon shade I was reminded I have much to be grateful for.  While I truly believe I live with a grateful heart, I also realized I miss a lot because I spent much of my time in the same places, with the same people, doing the same things.  Being in a different environment where my habits were challenged was really good for me yesterday.  Taking a moment to reflect on things I am grateful for always brings me back to center.  

The more I look for things to be thankful for, the more of them I find.  

Who does not thank for little will not thank for much.  Estonian Proverb

What I Learned About Love the Hard Way

/ James Browning / 3 Comments

 1 – Who you marry will affect your life more than you can imagine.  Your life may be better for your choice, worse because of your choice or both at different times.  

2 – Divorce hurts more than you can imagine.  If love is truly present it is a kind of death that takes forever.    

3 – It really is not difficult to fall in love; it is difficult to stay in love. 

4 – There is NO one “soul mate” for each of us in the world.  As a person evolves, grows and changes there are many possibilities over time. 

5 – Being swept off your feet by another person is more about what you feel inside about yourself than what the other person feels about you.

6 – Intimacy takes a long time to grow and develop.  It can become very strong, yet it will always be very fragile.  What takes years to build can be destroyed in seconds or with a single choice. 

7 – Forgiving is a choice and one you make just as much for yourself as the other person.  Often forgiving someone else is far easier than forgiving your self.

8 – Some of the greatest growth of our lives is in love relationships and a good deal of it comes from pain and heartache. 

9 – Just because a good relationship does not last forever does not mean it did not work.  It just means it lasted for its time. 

10 – Be sure to learn from a past bad relationship.  What you do not learn will be a lesson taught to you again.  

11 – If someone is worth your love, then love them without reservation or restriction.  Give your complete heart.  Don’t hold back.  Give your all.  Giving only part of yourself will only get you a part of the other person. 

12 – Every time you loved and were loved there is no mistake.  It was a gift no matter how things may have turned. 

13 – There are few ways in a loving relationship to hurt someone more than being unfaithful.  The wound may heal but there will ALWAYS be a scar. 

14 – Don’t fall in love with who you think a person might be someday.  There is a good chance they never will be.  Only fall in love with who someone is now. 

15 – No matter how much love is present, you will have bad times.  You will fight, you will disagree, and you will have problems.  It is the human condition. 

16 – You can’t love someone you don’t like. 

17 – Scars from past love only tell you where you have been.  Be careful judging a present relationship with them. 

18 – No person can be everything to you, nor can you be everything to any one person.  

19 – No one is perfect.  If you can’t see past some imperfection and bad habits you will be miserable in every relationship. 

20 – Everyone wants to be loved, but some people do not know how to love you back. 

21 – If you are not a good listener in a relationship, you won’t be heard when you speak. 

22 – Secrets are poison and will damage a relationship at the very least and at the most, destroy it. 

23 – Let unimportant things go.  Give in.  Forget about it.  If you don’t, you’ll end fighting much more than you should. 

24 – Loving someone does not make them a better person.  It makes you a better person. 

I am grateful to know these things now.  Lessons learned the hard way, are lessons learned best.  There is deep thankfulness for the ones who loved me who were my teachers. 

There is no remedy for love but to love more.  Henry David Thoreau

Every Day is a Good Day

/ James Browning / 1 Comment

When someone asks “how are you doing”, what will your response be?  A frequent answer received when I ask the “how are you” question is “fine”.  I often smile to myself when I hear the “fine” response because of a meaning I learned psychologists often assign to that word. 

F = Freaked out
I = Insecure
N = Neurotic
E = Emotional

Of course, I don’t think most people really intend to impart that meaning with a “fine” response.  Rather it is usually just a reflex answer given without thought. That is if they even get a chance to answer.  It is not uncommon for the person asking the question to not expect an answer because “how are you” has become something akin to a salutation like “good morning”. 

One of the mantras often heard in recovery is “fake it until you make it” which means act like you are already where you hope to be.  When I first heard about that suggested practice I thought it sounded trite if not absolutely absurd.  I was initially convinced there was no way such a practice could help with the depression I fought from time to time.  I was wrong.  Eventually I tried it and found it works!  I discovered much of my life was painted by the emotion and mood I bathed myself in.  At first putting a better face on troubled and challenging times seemed like a waste of time.  I was encouraged to keep it up and within a few weeks pretending to be in a better mood almost always made me feel better, at least for a little while.  Slowly but surely the effect got stronger and lasted longer.     

The answer I have adopted to a greeting such as “how’s your day” is “every day is a good day, some are just better than others”.  By saying that I am not stating everything is wonderful.  Instead I simply have decided that no day is “bad”.  A challenging day?  Quite possibly!  But that does not mean it is “a bad day”.  I came to realize that each day was at least to a degree what I made of it.  

I have been amazed how my adopted response of “every day is a good day” affects other people.  It almost always seems to make people think and usually gets a positive reaction.  I have been astonished by how many people crack a smile when I say that to them.  Sometimes I end up feeling a person needed some sort of little reminder that life is ok, that it does not 100% suck and that everything will be OK.  Speaking the phrase always makes me feel even better too.  Once in a while I have said it to a person who seems to have doom and gloom as a major part of their regular persona.  My standard saying seems to confuse those folks.  I am optimistic them hearing it lends something to turn over in their mind.  I hope given time the thought takes root within and lends a glimmer of hope to their life. 

I believe my subconscious hears everything I say and, positive or negative, it is filed away in my general awareness.  If I fill my thinking with a “bad day” mentality and speak it aloud my happiness will darkens and additional gloom will get added to any heartache, difficulty and tragedy.  It is my choice to make things worse or better for myself.

Make no mistake; I have not become a bouncing off the walls, giddy and goofy “happy face” guy.  That would be delusional.  Instead I simply resist being Mr. Gloom.  I do my best to bear each of my troubles with grace and hope.  Some days it works great.  Other days it only helps a little.  But it always helps!                        

Every person fights their own life battles, endures heartache and tragedy and is challenged by life.  I figure they don’t need me to add to their wows by me dumping on them simply because they asked me how I was doing. I am aware of how another’s good or bad mood can affect my frame of mind and try hard to only put goodness into the world.  Success at that endeavor does not always come, but it is in the trying that I make things better for my self and those I come in contact with.  I am deeply grateful for this insight that improves my quality of life every single day! 

When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves.  Viktor Frankl

A Broken Heart and a Youthful Promise

/ James Browning

The dance was in the school auditorium and the cover group playing was easy to hear in the basement immediately underneath.  Her name was L—– and she was an attractive and well-blossomed 13 year-old.  I was a year older and one grade in front of her.  Except for the dim glow of an outside security light through a window it was dark there in the storage room where we were making out.  Boy, were we!  There were rumors L. was pretty wild and still virginal me was finding that out first hand.  Admittedly I was essentially male hormones on legs at that moment, but when she moved to unzip my pants I pushed her hands away.  After pushing them away several times, I said “I can’t do this”.  L. was angry and mocked my unwillingness with profanity.  I raised my voice to say “stop it” and she stormed out of the room.  We were never together again. 

I was comfortable in my early/mid teens being on first or second base with a girl but not moving beyond that.  Having seen way too much at too young of an age, I had this notion I was going to “save myself” and not be like my parents.  During the less than 8 years my Mother and Father were married they were not faithful to each other and even as children we knew it.  Sex seemed to be a good bit of what their lives revolved around.  For me there was a youthful belief I was going to be different. 

Soon after getting my driver’s license, I asked K— out who I had a crush on.  We went to a movie, the Diary Queen and she suggested parking afterwards.  After a short while making out in my VW Beetle it blew my mind on our first date when she took her top off.  I found her haste to be naked a huge turn off.  After a bit of her pouting and coldly asking “what is wrong with you” I started the car and took her home.  Afterwards we hardly spoke to one another at school.  On one hand there was a feeling of doing right for myself, but also plenty of confusion.  Was there something wrong with me? 

The first girl I fell truly in love with was a year older than me.  I was a junior and E—– was a senior at another high school six miles away from my school.  To have an older girlfriend who went to a different school was a big deal.  We were an item for over a year and went together to each other’s proms.  I was in the audience when she graduated.  We daydreamed sometimes about a possible life together after we finished college.  

It was a June evening less than a month from my 17th birthday when E. took me riding around in her mother’s car. Only in hindsight would I much later comprehend what she had in mind that night.  Once the sun was almost down she turned onto a little traveled dirt road calling it a “shortcut” back to town.  Before long E. parked the car and said “let’s get in the back”.  We steamed up the back glass even with the windows partially open, but nothing but kissing and petting happened.  She wanted more, but I never let things go there.  Silly me imagined we’d do those things one day when we were married and she would be proud of me for being strong and saving myself until then.  Driving back into town, not much was said.  Things had changed.  I just did not know it yet.     

I had a part-time job in a town 40 miles away from home.  To get there I drove through the town where E. lived and each night on my way home I would drive by her house.  It made me feel chivalrous and close to her.  At least it did until the night I was driving by and saw her kissing a guy by his car in her driveway.  I went home with a broken heart.  Later she somehow convinced me her parents had put pressure on her to see others and she gave into their feeling we were getting too serious.  They were probably right, but we continued on and off for a few months even after she left for college.  Those days what was special inside me was mostly gone, but it still hurt badly when we stopped seeing each other.  

About eight months later after having moved 200 miles to live with my Father for my senior year of high school I met D—–.  She was 16 and I was 17 when I fell for her and for a time, her for me.  We were each other’s “first”.  An engagement ring on her finger said we planned to get married once she was eighteen and out of high school although we were way too young to know what we were doing.  Being youthfully blind there was no doubt within that D. was the “one” until just before her 18th birthday she informed me she wanted to see other guys.  I later found there had been others while we were together.  I was shattered and ended up moving a thousand miles westward as I tried to run away from the heartache I thought she caused me.

I changed soon after.  The environment I grew up in caught up with me completely.  A clear conclusion was reached within.  Then and there I decided women used men just the same as they accused men of using women.  I consciously chose to be what I perceived everyone else was.   I just did not know any better.  All that was going on in my life was a more or less normal passage into adulthood.  The problem was I was not normal.  

In hindsight my response was predictable.  No adult ever talked to me about love, sex and relationships.  There were no examples of healthy adult relationships close around me growing up.  Within one personal choice made late in my 18th year I became what I viewed everyone else was to be and dysfunctional ways took over.  Until then I had been faithful to my girlfriends and did my best to be the “white knight” gentleman to each one of them.  That suddenly changed.

Eventually I ended up regretting the direction I chose, but it took decades.  Allowing youthful perception to so darkly color life my life brought dysfunction to every love relationship that followed.  Ignorance is often not bliss.  Lack of knowledge can be emotionally dangerous.  Being blindly dysfunction is corrosive and damaging. 

Today I am grateful to have clear hindsight into where my wayward path began.  Sometimes understanding can only come once one locates the root of behavior.  That insight combined with some therapy and a lengthy period of introspection, meditation and celibacy has helped me to feel fresh, new and reborn.  For that I am deeply grateful.     

Sometimes I wish I were a little kid again, skinned knees are easier to fix than broken hearts.  Unknown

Unclouded Wisdom

/ James Browning / 3 Comments

You have to get hurt. That’s how you learn. The strongest people out there, the ones who laugh the hardest with a genuine smile; those are the people who have fought the toughest battles.

Those lines come from a site kept and updated frequently by a person who identifies herself as a nineteen year-old woman from Illinois named Amber.  I accidentally stumbled across her on-line contributions last night.  While frequently her limited life experience of almost two decades shows through, she also writes with wisdom beyond her years.  Here are a few more nuggets:

Sometimes you have to give up on people. Everyone that is in your journey is meant to be in your journey, but not everyone is meant to stay there.

The first step towards getting somewhere is to decide that you are not going to stay where you are.

Never stop loving someone because you never know when they might start loving you back. But if that person won’t change, wait until your heart voluntarily quits.

At times what “Amber” writes shows her age; “Don’t waste your time worrying about boys. Boys will come and go…”  That is exactly as it should be.  Nineteen should be nineteen and not a teenager going on thirty-five.    

Reading Amber’s writing was a catalyst for a clear line of thinking when I woke up today. What rings true today is there can be much wisdom in a youthful mind not yet clouded with the burden of lots of experience.  Conversely the knowledge of living many years can cause blindness and inability to see lucidly. 

I suppose it is human nature for someone in middle age to perceive they know more than someone half their age or younger.  And in many cases that would be true.  Yet, more is not necessarily better and a large quantity of stored memories can make sorting down to the essence of things difficult. 

It seemed I saw things so very clearly when I was sixteen years-old.  Maybe actually I did.  Right or wrong I certainly had great conviction about my view of things.  There was more confidence within about where I was going and what my life was going to be about.  Of course, it did not turn out that way exactly.  I do yearn sometimes for that clarity of youth for the drive it gave me.  However, stepping back a little I can see the quintessence of my youth did point me in many of the right directions.   

There are many other stories out there that prove the wisdom of a child like the one about the eight year-old boy who prayed about a pine wood derby race within his Cub Scout group.  Having made a roughly finished and plain little racer he was quite surprise to win.  His scout master asked him, “So you prayed to win, huh, Gilbert?”  To which the young man replied, “Oh, no sir. That wouldn’t be fair to ask God to help you beat someone else. I just asked Him to make it so I wouldn’t cry when I lost.”

Another story that circulates concerns the clear wisdom shown by a 6 year-old who witnessed the passing of the family pet at the veterinarian’s.  The animal was dying and in great pain.  Putting him to sleep was the humane choice made by the child’s Mom and Dad.  The parents felt it would be a good life experience for boy to witness the death with them, but were concerned about his perceptions.

The little boy seemed to accept the dog’s transition without any difficulty or confusion. Afterwards there was some talk about why dog’s lives are shorter than humans and the little boy spoke up and said “I know why.  People are born and live a long time so they can learn how to live a good life — like loving everybody all the time and being nice.  Well, dogs already know how to do that, so they don’t have to stay as long.”

Driving one day I remember my son, then four years-old and steeped in anti-drug messages from TV, saying to me “Drugs are bad.  Right Dad?” I responded “Yes they are”.  He then asked “then why are there drug stores?”  I had a most interesting time explaining and have never forgotten how clearly he saw things to have asked his question.   

Writing this causes me to make a firm promise to myself.  I will pay more attention to what children and young adults say.  I will do my best to discern between their jewels of wisdom and their childish chatter.  I will not so quickly discount their perspective simply because I think I know “more” than they do.  More is not always better.  Much is not always best.  Innocence can sometimes offer an unfettered perception of things that can’t be seen through the a corrupted view that wisdom can create. 

We worry about what a child will become tomorrow, yet we forget that he is someone today.  Stacia Tauscher

Image by Anne Geddes

Do You Care? Can I Trust You? Will You Help?

/ James Browning / 1 Comment

Throughout my life, inwardly I have always been a deeply feeling person.  Only in recent years have I been secure enough to outwardly allow myself to be openly seen as I actually am. Previously only a very few allowed close were able to see at least a little of the real me.  Even then most was still tucked away from their sight.  

Others outside a handful of people were allowed only to see the façade I projected:  confident, secure, in control and driven.  I was very good at playing that part.  Too good!  Those images were perceived by most as factual when being driven by a determined and almost blind ambition was the only accuracy.  Being highly motivated without a good sense of direction is much like a car stuck in the mud, “petal to the metal”, engine racing, tires spinning, slinging mud, and going no where while getting stuck more and more by digging a deeper and deeper hole.  Sounds like a good deal of my life! 

Now I can state openly I have never had a consistent feeling of confidence.  The only feeling of security I have ever had previously was the lack of it.  I only knew being in control of being out of control.  And my drive for so long came as much from running away as it did from running toward anything.  It feels good to honestly admit publically the turmoil that was truthfully going on inside me for decades.  Doing so makes me feel human, normal and “perfectly imperfect”. 

Have things changed drastically now?  Yes and no.  The old stuff is still there and that layer will always be with me.  Now however, there is a new stratum of acceptance and self-confidence that comes from simply knowing my self better AND being accepting of me.  My current awareness shows me much of my emotional disconnect and discomfort came from wanting to be different than I was.  Living today I have grown to be more than I once was, yet I have not really changed.  Inside is who I have always been though through self acceptance now I am so much more than I used to be.     

The questions I have so long asked inside about others are the big three:
1) Do you care about me?
2) Can I trust you?
3) Will you help me?
Finding “yes” answers for all three is essential for me to find a genuine and meaningful connection with another person.  

In his blog “Success Begins Today” John Richardson quotes John Maxwell:  “The ability to communicate and connect with others is a major determining factor in reaching your potential. To be successful, you must work with others. To do that at your absolute best, you must learn to connect.”  Mr. Richardson goes on to say “…connecting does not come naturally. It’s something that you need to learn and fine tune.”  True connection he defines as: “freedom from deceit, hypocrisy, or duplicity; probity in intention or in communicating; earnestness.”    http://successbeginstoday.org/wordpress/2011/07/making-a-true-connection/  

Like many people I had to learn to connect and my learning curve was steeper than for many. For me there were no childhood mentors showing the way.  Instead I taught myself through trial and error.  As a student of myself I have been a slow learner.  There is a positive element in gaining knowledge slowly as most often lessons learned gradually are lessons learned well.  I regret there is a trail of damaged relationships behind me left in the wake of my learning through experimentation within the laboratory of life.  

Today what you see is what you get.  I am no longer hidden away with the light of my truth hidden under a basket.  Coming here each day and presenting myself just as am will cause some to be disbelieving or even put off by my openness.  That’s OK.  There is acceptance within for “not being able to please all the people all the time”.  I don’t even try any more.  Presenting my honest and true self to the world is a wonderful people sorting mechanism.  Showing my real and true self causes people good for me to be attracted closer and those not so good to be repelled.    

I find knowing my inner reality more accurately allows me to make better choices.  When I can escape having my full attention on my thoughts and instead focus the majority of my awareness upon what I feel, I make the best choices.  Call it instinct, spirit, gut, heart, intuition or whatever… it never lies and almost always points me in the directions best for me.  

When you’re a beautiful person on the inside, there is nothing in the world that can change that about you.  Jealousy is the result of one’s lack of self-confidence, self-worth, and self acceptance.  The Lesson:  If you can’t accept yourself, then certainly no one else will.  Sasha Azevedo 

Art from:  http://puleo-artbrut.com/

How Does One Say a Thousand Thank You’s?

/ James Browning / 3 Comments

Each morning I sit down in front of this screen and keyboard to again write about something I am grateful for.  Getting up an hour earlier each day was a little of a challenge at first, but the rewards and benefits from these regular expressions of gratefulness have quickly out weighted that slight discomfort.  

Over this pass weekend I was talking about this blog with a friend and he asked “Would you still write it every day if people were not reading it?”  My first response was “Of course!”  Thinking about it since then I need to amend my reply.   

Since my friend posed the question, it has kicked around in my head for a few days.  In that time I have come to realize without readers I would not be as consistent.  Oh, I’d still write if only a handful visited this site each day, but it would be easy then to skip days when I felt life was throwing ‘more important things’ at me.  I fear that would often be the case if the importance you lend to my efforts was gone. 

With that awareness I have come to realize how important the time is which you give me each day when you read my blog.  Each person who reads even just one, becomes part of the communal voice in my ear that urges me on.  Even on the days when I sit down and have no idea of what to write about, something always comes because I believe it has to.  I find it quite amazing what can be accomplished when enough importance is placed on it. It gives fresh meaning to the thought “things get done not based on time available, but on the priority something is given”.    

This morning I am grateful for you!  There is true thankfulness in my heart for the time you spend reading goodmorninggratitude.com.  I know some days are better than others and want you to know of my appreciation for hanging in there especially when the material is at best just so-so.  The sheer number of people now reading this blog is difficult to wrap my mind around.  I never dreamed something like this could happen.  All the encouragement and support I have received has blown me away.   

The result of this experiment (with your help) is my perspective of the world has changed profoundly for the better.  A thousand thank you’s is not enough for the gratefulness I feel this morning for all who have come to read good morning gratitude.  Thank you for the mining I do in my soul and mind each day in order to find the subject for the day.  Thank you for the tears I have shed and the emotions with that have been triggered as I dig deeper and deeper.  Thank you for helping bring my real and true self more accurately into my own view.  Thank you for telling your friends and family about goodmorninggratitude.com.  Thank you for the almost constant awareness I have now of the goodness in my life. Because you read, I write!  

I want to return a little of the benefit you have helped to bring to my life for the last three months.  With out fail, the song in this video at the link below ALWAYS makes me feel better.  Any mood is brightened when I hear the recording of Israel”IZ” Ka’ano’i Kamakawiwo’ole’s peaceful voice and ukulele.  That gentle Hawaiian man left behind good medicine I can take anytime I need it.  I hope it serves you positively as well.     http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=c9KHo9z86rA 

Someday I’ll wish upon a star
And wake up where the clouds are far
Behind me.
Where troubles melt like lemon drops
Away above the chimney tops
That’s where you’ll find me.

 Of course I look at the glass half full.  The only time I would look at it half empty is when I think about how good the first half tasted.  Drew Deyoung

Birthdays, Peace, Love and Happiness

/ James Browning / 1 Comment

Yesterday was a wonderfully heartwarming day.  Many friends and those dear remembered the anniversary of my birth.  Today I am still aglow with the love expressed to me.  I started making a list of everyone who emailed, texted, called, sent a card through the mail or on line or otherwise wished me a happy birthday.  My intention was to thank each and every one by name here this morning.  However, the list got so long that somewhere in the afternoon I lost track and gave up.  The length of the partial list I did make was humbling and a cue to remember always how loved I am especially in whatever dark moments that may come. 

Accepting that others care about me has always been challenging.  Make no mistake I yearn for the love and affection of those dear to me.  Intellectually I know feeling “less than”, “not good enough” and at best only partially loveable are false emotions and echoes of events and happenings long ago.  Thankfully the resonance of “then” becomes less and less with the passage of time.   I was closed off for many years and that lack I carried serves now to open my heart wider than it could have otherwise.  My immense ability today to feel with greater depth and magnitude is a silver lining discovered within where once was only a big dark cloud.  Thankfulness for that awakening is greater than I can possibly express. 

This morning I want to avoid hiding what I intend to say in a quantity of words that could easily mask my intent.  With that thought in mind, I modestly endeavor here this morning to express my deepest gratitude for the goodness I received from my friends and loved ones yesterday on my birthday.  From those at work who got the birthday cake for me to the old friend who texted from her trip in Israel, from the two dear friends who took me to dinner last night to the other two who invited me, from the simple “happy birthday” words to the cards and gifts I received, “thank you, thank you very much”.  

The time for me to express my feelings to those I care about only exists in the present.  Someday what I mean to say will be no longer possible.  So here below are my thoughts expressed through another’s words.  I place these lines here with thankfulness for the words being lent to me and with deep gratitude for every thread of love shown me.    

If I be the first of us to die,
Let grief not blacken long your sky.
Be bold yet modest in your grieving.
There is a change but not a leaving.
For just as death is part of life,
The dead live on forever in the living.
And all the gathered riches of our journey,
The moments shared, the mysteries explored,
The steady layering of intimacy stored,
The things that made us laugh or weep or sing,
The joy of sunlit snow or first unfurling of the spring,
The wordless language of look and touch,
The knowing,
Each giving and each taking,
These are not flowers that fade,
Nor trees that fall and crumble,
Nor are they stone,
For even stone cannot the wind and rain withstand
And mighty mountain peaks in time reduce to sand.
What we were, we are.
What we had, we have.
A conjoined past imperishably present.
So when you walk the wood where once we walked together
And scan in vain the dappled bank beside you for my shadow,
Or pause where we always did upon the hill to gaze across the land,
And spotting something, reach by habit for my hand,
And finding none, feel sorrow start to steal upon you,
Be still.
Close your eyes.
Breathe.
Listen for my footfall in your heart.
I am not gone but merely walk within you.

Taken from The Smoke Jumper by Nicholas Evans 2001 

If you’re alone, I’ll be your shadow. If you want to cry, I’ll be your shoulder. If you want a hug, I’ll be your pillow. If you need to be happy, I’ll be your smile… But anytime you need a friend, I’ll just be me.  Unknown

Facing Codependence and Finding Happiness

/ James Browning / 2 Comments

Though adult life my relationships have often been troubled.  That difficulty has been most easily notable in romantic relationships.  For years I simply thought I was unique, had special needs and was just frequently misunderstood.  What I discovered in the last 5+ years is there was definitely something not right and the vast majority of it had to do with me and not other people.     

Through the failure of my 2nd marriage to a woman I deeply loved I finally arrived at a point where I knew I could not go on as I had been.  While there was responsibility for both of us in the breakdown of the marriage, my behavior was by far the greatest cause.  I became a classic example of:  “When the pain to stay the same exceeds the pain to change, we change”.   I changed because I could see no other way.

My discovery has been that the root of my issues is called Codependency that stems from neglect, emotional abuse and trauma from my childhood. Codependency is a tendency to behave in overly passive or excessively controlling ways that negatively impact relationships and quality of life.  Co-dependence is said to be the most common of all addictions: the addiction to looking elsewhere. It is based in a belief that something outside of self can give us happiness and fulfillment. The ‘elsewhere’ may be people, places, things, behaviors or experiences and usually we neglect our own self for it. 

Codependency is at its core, a dysfunctional relationship with self. With out learning different, people such as me do not know how to love the self in healthy ways because our parents did not know how to love themselves. We were raised in shame-based families that taught us that there is something wrong with being human. The messages we got often included that there is something wrong:  with making mistakes; with not being perfect; with being sexual; with being emotional; with being too fat or too thin or too tall or too short or too whatever. As children we were taught to determine our worth in comparison with others. If we were smarter than, prettier than, better grades than, faster than, etc. – then we were validated and got the message that we had worth. 

Through work with a caring and high capable psychologist, work at a wonderful facility called “The Meadows”, the help and love of an ex-wife, the support of “peers” and most of all dedication and determination on my part, today I understand the foundation of my relationship issues.  Gladly I can say for I have learned to live life beyond them most of the time.  I am happy, TRULY HAPPY, for the first time in my life.  Life is far from perfect and a great distance from what I once imagined it might be.  Nor does living contain  now contain all that I hope it will, but today I remain open to the possibilities instead of being obsessed about what might happen.  My demons have been faced and discovered they mostly have only the power over me that I give them.  I am very grateful for all who helped me get to where I am now.

A notable portion of my discovery/recovery has been coming to realize that what I remember about my past is a mostly a delusion and what I feel about the future is largely a delusion.  What I recall is just my version of history which is as inaccurate as it is accurate.  How the future turns out will be as it unfolds and not exactly how I try to make it develop.  That viewpoint has allowed me to live a much more contented life which I enjoy more so than I ever have. 

Several years ago I wanted to attend a self help group called “Codependents Anonymous” or “CoDA” but there was no local chapter.  There is much gratitude within for my counselor who urged me to organize a local group.  For the first six months almost no one came to the Wednesday night meetings and I sat in the meeting room alone reading for an hour.  But over time “peers”, people much like me, began to come.  One meeting grew into two and then into three and four meetings each week.  Those attending expanded from none into hundreds over time with about 60 regulars attending at any given point.  My continued growth today is based almost solely within these meetings and my others self directed efforts.  My counselor told me 2 years ago I don’t need to come back (although I still go check in with her every 6 months to a year). 

I know today the best of my life is still ahead and the CoDA meetings are in no small part responsible.  I am so very grateful to all who have attended in the past and most especially for those who continue to show up each week.  THANK YOU! 

Things do not change; we change.  Henry David Thoreau

 If you are interested in knowing more: 

Self-quiz to find out if you are Codependent:     http://spiritofhopecc.com/CodependentTest.en.html

 Codependence Patterns & Characteristics:  http://www.coda.org/tools4recovery/patterns-new.htm 

Local Tulsa CoDA website:  http://coda-tulsa.org/

National CoDA website:  http://www.coda.org/ 

youtube.com Pia Mellody video “What is Codependence”

Part 1:  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nrLaaar02e4

Part 2: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VQyqkwWrBAs&feature=related

Heather, Jackie, Bianca and Sung-Bong

/ James Browning / 1 Comment

Once in a while I am touched by something that comes to me completely unexpected.  Out of the blue I hear something, see something or experience something that permeates me with positive emotion.  The reaction travels through my body like a slow domino maze falling down until the unforeseen sensations sparkle within from head to toe.  During such a time I can be moved to near tears and afterwards feel a glow of appreciation and gratitude heightened by the unexpected arrival of the feelings.  Such moments are better explained with examples.  It is my sincere hope something below stirs you as it did me.

First, there is the news I discovered yesterday in a story online about a young Korean man.  He was abandoned at age three at an orphanage were he was mistreated and ran away from when he was five.  He then lived “on the streets” by himself for ten years, selling chewing gum and energy drinks in the daytime to raise money for food and at night sleeping in rest rooms and stairwells.  A guardian took him in during his late teen years and he was able to get the Korean equivalent of a GED since he did not attend elementary school or junior high school.  He then was able to attend school for the first time and graduated from a high school for the arts.  Having no money to continue his education, at the time this video was made he worked as a common laborer.  See Choi Sung-Bong perform here:

While her story is not the sad tale just above, her level of singing talent at such a young age is impressive.  It is my earnest hope that her life unfolds in a happy manner where the world will get to enjoy the full magnitude of her gift to sing.  Let ten-year old Heather Russell touch you here:

Then there is Bianca Ryan who in the summer of 2006 proved to America and the entire world that she had talent by being the first ever Grand Prize winner of the NBC show “America’s Got Talent”.  She was just 11 years old at the time.  Now 16 years old, videos of her performances on the Internet have received tens of millions of views to date.  If you have not witnessed her talent, PLEASE take the time to let her touch you.  Her wonderful performance when she was only 11 can be found here:

There is one more I must also include that comes from just last year.  I know little (OK, nothing) about opera, but it does not take knowledge to appreciate Jackie Evancho’s talent.  She is an opera singer who also plays violin and piano that at the age of ten finished second on America’s Got Talent.  Since then she gone on to release an EP that made her the best selling debut artist of 2010.  Listen to her incredible performance at age ten here:

I have no specific way to explain why watching these young people perform does me so much good.  From the very core of my being I appreciate their talent and am very grateful to get to experience it.  I feel joy when I take in what they have to give the world.  I hope watching what you find here brings much goodness into your life as well.

Use what talents you possess; the woods would be very silent if no birds sang there except those that sang best.  Henry Van Dyke