Life

Grown-Ups Never Understand

/ James Browning

This could be fiction that is actually true or truth that is really fiction. Or this could be a combination of both. Fact, fantasy or imaginary and in what parts does not matter for anyone the words fit, a little or a lot, will know I wrote this especially for them.

Once upon a time there was a little bitty girl who was happy and content. She smiled a lot, laughed easily and loved her life. There were reasons to be sad she had thankfully not discovered yet. She loved her mother and her grandmother was very special to her. The little girl had many happy days.

Soon the small girl was old enough to go to school. Before she began she had learned that having only a Mommy was not the life most kids lived. At school this difference became more obvious to her. She smiled on the outside as a general sadness took root and slowly grew stronger on the inside. The child felt different than other kids and did not value how special and unique she was.

She generally liked school and had plenty of friends. The girl moved through all circles of people from the in-crowd to the outcasts, while feeling she fit into none of them well. She smiled easily and often for a part of her was happy. She wanted people to see her happiness or at least as much of it as she could let herself feel. The girl kept the sadness that had taken root inside hidden away but each day it grew slowly within her.

As the girl became a young woman, she hoped the “one” would come along to sweep her off her feet and into the happiness she longed for. She yearned for the “happily ever after” that her Mother had not known and felt it was possible for her. Why the boys almost always ended up hurting her or mistreating her she could never figure out.

The girl grew into a woman who was a bright spot in any gathering. Outwardly cheerful with a sharp sense of humor she was viewed as a person who was very smart and in control of their destiny. They did not know that was the mask for the little girl inside who was sad, scared and felt unloved.

Now years and years into adulthood she no longer always hides her unhappiness. Those who know her see a good person but a cynical and emotionally withdrawn woman who is a bit angry with life. That is only the face she gives the world to scare possible hurts away. All she wants is to love and be loved.

The Little Girl Inside by Phoenixx

Little Girl,
I see you there,
Crying in a corner to yourself.
Little Girl,
I see how they treat you,
Like a piece of trash on the streets.
Little Girl,
I see how they’ve wronged you,
Kicking you to the curb.
Little Girl,
I see you there,
Crying in a corner to yourself.

Little Girl,
I hear you there,
Weeping and sobbing and moaning.
Little Girl,
I hear you there,
Praying for it all to end.
Little Girl,
I hear you there,
Telling yourself you’re not beautiful.
Little Girl,
I hear you there,
Weeping and sobbing and moaning.

Little Girl,
I feel you there,
In pain and in doubt inside.
Little Girl,
I feel you there,
Trying to hide from their cruel words.
Little Girl,
I feel you there,
Trying to stand up by yourself.
Little Girl,
I feel you there,
In pain and in doubt inside.

Little Girl,
I am here now,
Here to cry with you.
Little Girl,
I am here now,
To comfort your sorrows and pain.
Little Girl,
I am here now,
To tell you you’re beautiful.
Little Girl,
I am here now,
Here to cry with you.

All one has to do is change “she” to “he” and you have a story that fits some of my life. Today I am grateful for the childhood pain that softened me and made me sympathetic to other’s feelings. And even more so, my gratitude is large for the ability to finally be grown up enough to willingly let what I feel show.

Grown-ups never understand anything for themselves,
and it is tiresome for children to be always and forever
explaining things to them.
From “The Little Prince” by Saint-Exupéry

Love is the Immortal Flow

/ James Browning / 2 Comments

Do you like movies?  Do you like love stories?  My answer to both is “very much” and today I want to express my gratitude for them.  While I understand fully from an intellectual point of view that movies are only simulations of life, while growing up I learned a lot from them (for better or worse).  Some of what was on the big screen was spun together with my thoughts as I fabricated my own dreams, hopes and aspirations.  In no area is that more true than with love and romance.

Movies taught me that love does not always work out to a life together (Casablanca, Gone with the Wind, Roman Holiday, etc).  Film showed me that romance can be discovered anywhere, at most any moment (Pretty Woman, Before Sunrise, Time Travelers Wife, etc).  I learned that love can come to people who are very different from each other (African Queen, Titanic, City of Angels, etc).  And most importantly I came to know that love can happen and endure (The Notebook, An Officer and a Gentleman, Made in Heaven, etc).

In honor of the Academy Awards this past weekend, today’s entry here is homage to movies focused on love stories.  With light-hearted intent I have put together a short quiz to “test” levels of romance within others.  It is in no way scientific and is offered just for fun.  Look through this list of movies and keep track of how many you have seen, enjoyed and remember something specific from.

1.  “Casablanca” (1942)  Humphrey Bogart and Ingrid Bergman during WWII

2.  “Gone with the Wind” (1939)  Eight Oscars starring Clark Gable and Vivien Leigh

3.  “The Notebook” (2004)  Cassavetes’s classic with Ryan Gosling & Rachel McAdams

4.  “An Officer and a Gentleman” (1982) Gere and Winger ride off into the sunset

5.  “An Affair To Remember” (1957)  Cary Grant & Deborah Kerr meet on ship & find love

6.  “Titanic” (1997)  James Cameron’s masterpiece with DiCaprio and Winslet

7.  “Pretty Woman” (1990) Cinderella fairytale with Richard Geer and Julia Roberts

8.  “City of Angels” (1998)  An angel falls to Earth for love. Nicholas Cage & Meg Ryan

9.  “African Queen” (1951)  Opposites attract. Bogart and Hepburn fall in love

10. “Before Sunrise” (1995) Chance meeting brings romance. Julie Delpy and Ethan Hawk

11. “The Lake House” (2006) Love through time with Keanu Reeves & Sandra Bullock

12. “Made in Heaven” (1987) Kelly McGillis & Timothy Hutton meet and fall in love in heaven

13. “Wild Orchid” (1989)  Carre Otis and Mickey Rourke fall in love during Carnival in Rio

14. “Roman Holiday” (1953)  Audrey Hepburn & Gregory Peck find love one day in Rome

15. “Ghost” (1990) Patrick Swayze and Demi Moore prove love lasts beyond death

16. “When Harry Met Sally” (1989) Billy Crystal and Meg Ryan can’t help falling in love

17. “Dirty Dancing” (1987) “Nobody puts Baby in a corner.” Patrick Swayze & Jennifer Grey

18. “Time Travelers Wife” (2009) Eric Bana & Rachel McAdams love between time travels

19. “Somewhere In Time” (1980) Christopher Reeve & Jane Seymour find a timeless love

20. “First Knight” (1995) Lancelot, Guinevere & King Authur with Connery, Gere & Ormond

21. “Notting Hill” (1999) store owner (Hugh Grant) & a movie star (Julia Roberts) find love

22. “Hope Floats” (1998)  Old friends find love. Sandra Bullock and Harry Connick, Jr.

23. “Love Story” (1970) Love between rich and middle class (Ryan O’Neal & Ali McGraw)

24. “Still Breathing” (1997) Love, a puppeteer & con artist (Brendan Frazer & Joanna Going)

25. “Nights in Rodanthe”  Redepemption through love with Richard Gere and Diane Lane

How many of these movies have you seen?

Just sitting through the film does not count.

How many do you actually remember something specific from?

Count up the number and then go to the “scoring below”.

Scoring:

21 to 25   You are a hapless romantic.  Your heart is soft and you feel deeply.  Love can blind you.  Down deep you wish that fairy tales came true.

16 to 25   You have a romantic soul and appreciate love’s beauty, yet probably have your feet firmly planted in reality at least most of the time.

11 to 15    You have a relatively balanced sense of romance, but may run a little hot and cold.  You are comfortable loving and being loved for the most part.

6 to 10     You are able to express love only when you let yourself feel it.  Sometimes open and at other times shutdown, distant and unavailable.

0 to 5      Check your pulse rate to see if your heart is still beating.  You’re not comfortable with movies that make you face your emotions.

So how did you do???

This morning I am filled with gratitude for movies, especially love stories, for they are a match for the sentiments that live in my heart.

Love is the immortal flow of energy that nourishes, extends and preserves.  Its eternal goal is life.
Smiley Blanton

PS:  I have not only seen all of these, I own a copy and have watched them all several times (OK, many times).  Yes, the hapless romantic within is alive and well.  I may live in partial delusion, but it is where I choose to be.

Rather Be a Has-Been

/ James Browning

My life is blessed with a handful of close friends who feel deeply and express their feelings openly.  It is an honor to share my life with them.  I never know when one of them will pass along a thought that will touch me.  The morning I found the following Charlie Chaplin quote emailed from a new friend of about a year now (thank you P.!).

I have forgiven mistakes that were indeed almost unforgivable. I’ve tried to replace people who were irreplaceable and tried to forget those who were unforgettable.

I’ve acted on impulse, have been disappointed by people when I thought that this could never be possible. But I have also disappointed those who I love.

I have laughed at inappropriate occasions. I’ve made friends that are now friends for life. I’ve screamed and jumped for joy.

I’ve loved and I’ve been loved. But I have also been rejected and I have been loved without loving the person back.

I’ve lived for love alone and made vows of eternal love. I’ve had my heart-broken many, many times!

I’ve cried while listening to music and looking at old pictures. I’ve called someone just to hear their voice on the other side.

I have fallen in love with a smile. At times, I thought I would die because I missed someone so much. At other times, I felt very afraid that I might lose someone very special (which ended up happening anyway).

But I have lived! And I still continue living everyday. I’m not just passing through life and you shouldn’t either… Live!

The best thing in life is to go ahead with all your plans and your dreams, to embrace life and to live everyday with passion, to lose and still keep the faith and to win while being grateful.

All of this because the world belongs to those who dare to go after what they want. And because life is really too short to be insignificant.

There are times I play the Shoulda, Woulda, Coulda”  game.  It’s unavoidable.  Psychologists refer to this process of evaluating how I might have done things differently, as “counterfactual thinking”.  More often than not it is a mechanism that conjures up feelings of disappointment and regret, at least temporarily.

There is one good result that now usually follows a bout of ‘wishing backward’ thinking.  Frequently I start the circle of thought lamenting missteps with ‘should have, would have, and could have’ been.  But usually now I complete the loop being grateful for ‘what is’ instead of pondering what might have been.  What has changed from how I used to react to “Shoulda, Woulda, Coulda” to my response to that type thinking today?  One simple thing:  I have learned to be grateful for all of my life.  “All” includes not just what was positively wonderful and rewarding but also what was terribly difficult and challenging.

Learning to be grateful for my mistakes was not easy.   It took a long, long time before I grasped that my blunders and errors were frequently my greatest teachers.  Gratitude tempers and beautifies everything it shines upon, even mistakes.

I’d rather be a could-be if I cannot be an are;
because a could-be is a maybe who is reaching for a star.
I’d rather be a has-been than a might-have-been, by far;
for a might have-been has never been, but a has was once an are.
Milton Berle

Given Enough Time, Everything is OK.

/ James Browning

“When was the last time you dared to do something far outside your comfort zone?”

It pleases me to think of myself as one who pushes forward and often outside the realm of ease and security.  Yet, stepping back and giving a close look at the amounts of risk and chance being taken I see growth spurts that are sporadic, unpredictable and often not willingly chosen.

Marching willingly into the unknown is more difficult in practice than it first seems in thought.  Being in the “zone” of “comfort” is in many ways exactly what I long sought.  In that old thinking there would be some sort of eventual “arrival” at the threshold of the exact life I waited for.  Of course, that never happened and is actually impossible!

My steady past viewpoint was moving outside one’s comfort zone was only about what one does.  Bungee jumping, sky diving, new romantic relationships, racing cars, flying, exotic travel and things of the sort long filled my thinking of what was beyond the “c-zone”.  Thrills of this sort I have enjoyed, but found the crest of experience did not last long.  Like a drug, to maintain the buzz I needed another fix soon after.  Over time it took more and more of a particular experience to shock my adrenaline flow enough give me the high I yearned for.

The most meaningful times outside my comfort zone had much more to do with what is inside and my habitual ways than any activity outside of me.  Anyone who has quit smoking knows in that process a person steps far outside what is usual and accustomed to.  For me there was a sort of manic anxiety that crested in crescendo each time I fought back a craving.  There was no way to beat that habit while in my comfort zone.

Stepping outside my comfort zone feels:
Uncertain.  Tentative.  Different.  Difficult.  Risky.

And can sometimes even feel:
Threatening.  Hazardous.  Dangerous.  Perilous.  Scary.

But the result of being out of my comfort zone leaves a feeling that is:
Refreshing.  Stimulating.  Uplifting.  Revitalizing.  Energizing.  Restorative. Reviving. Inspirational.  Invigorating.  Rekindling. Stirring.  Rousing. Encouraging.  Motivating.  Moving.  Heartening.  Cheering.  Rejuvenating.  Regenerating.  Enlivening.

And above it always feels NEW.

Some portions of my life where I ended up most satisfied came when I did not stride willingly outside the usual.  One does not choose a car accident and injury but such a thing did propel me beyond my “c-zone”.  The fear of my left arm never working again was scary as hell, but also enlightening.  Or, the traumatic end of a marriage I did not want to be over was not a conscious choice.  Yet, that happening pushed me out of my “comfort zone” and into dealing with old issues that still haunted me.

There is something to be said for routine, at least in some regards.  It enables consistency and fosters discipline.  In some ways routine gives life a semblance of order in an “If it isn’t broken, then don’t try to fix it” manner.  As muscles atrophy with lack of use, so do emotions, feelings, and thoughts unless they are ‘exercised’ beyond their current capability.

Staying in a rut only insures it will get deeper and deeper. Enter Adventure, Risk, Experience and Chance.  These keep me from growing stagnant, broaden my horizons and most of all teach me about myself.  Not infrequently the lessons come not by choice.  Sometimes the path is self chosen.  In either case stepping outside my comfort zone educates me in a way I can not learn in any other manner.

In the last ten years life has moved into my most evolving period so far.  So much has changed, but most of all it is “me” that is now different.  The process has been scary.  Exhilarating.  And OK.  Or least it always ends up that way.  And right there is a treasured nugget of wisdom I am exceedingly grateful for:  Given enough time, everything is OK.

We cannot become what we want to be by remaining what we are.
Max DePree

Just As It Comes

/ James Browning

If I don’t hurry, I am going to be late!  Scurrying around when feeling like I might be causes a disheveled feeling as I project myself into the minutes ahead without thought to the moment.  Such was a time yesterday.

I loaned my primary vehicle for the day to my visiting son and was thrown off a bit by driving an old car of mine that is rarely used. Heading backwards down my driveway, I put my seatbelt on and changed stations on the radio.  Three blocks away a thought came to text the business visitor I was heading to pick up at his hotel to say my arrival would be in ten minutes.

Reaching to my pocket for my iPhone I realized it is not there.  “Crap!  Gotta go back and get it”.  After making a u-turn while still in my subdivision within a minute I was setting the emergency brake in front of my house.

In in my bedroom my phone is still on the charger.  I grab it and think “now I’m late”.  Instead of starting to fret about a little lost time there is gratefulness I was not a lot further away from home  turning around to get my phone. 

The car hauling me yesterday is a sixteen year old Volvo that saved my life during a car accident seven years ago.  More than anything I still have it out of respect for the “old girl” for saving my life.  Yesterday morning ‘she’ was dusty with accumulated dirt from sitting unused for a month or so.  Even losing a few minutes going back to get my phone, there was still ample time for a quick drive through car wash so my visitor would not have to ride in a dirty car.

Sitting at the traffic light where the two lanes from my housing development pour onto a six lane major street, a hundred yards away I see the fire station with a ladder truck with its light running out front.  “What’s that about?” I thought.  “Are they pulling out?  Do I need to pull over?”

The light changes and as I complete a turn into the right lane of three going east, I drive right by the fire truck.  It’s easy to see some sort of maintenance is being done.  Glancing sideways at the fire truck I completely miss the flashing light marking a school zone.  Since it is very rare for me to be on this street at this time of day, no memory pops up of the school even being there.

A little editorial before continuing my story.  This school zone is marked on a six lane major highway about three hundred years from what statistics say is the busiest intersection in the city.  People drive on this street like it is a freeway.  There are no pedestrian crossings within a hundred yards and the school is a special “academy” for a small number of over-achieving high schoolers who drive.  Rarely have I seen a student in front of the school, much less walking on the sidewalk by the road. 

If the photo at the top did not tell you what happened by now you have likely guessed. A motorcycle cop was hidden away and gave me a ticket for going 34 in a 25 mph zone, a citation that requires me to go to court because it was a school zone. 

Leaving home the first time I had my seatbelt on before turning around to get my iPhone.  However, driving the quarter of a mile to be in front of the school I had not put it on again.  Citation number 2!

Having moved last year the postcard sent by the state was not forwarded and my license plates were not current on a car I drive maybe one every two months.  It just had not come to mind.  You got it… ticket #3!

If you think I am headed into a tirade about how yesterday morning started off, you are going to be disappointed.  Rather, what happened did very little to affect my day.  Of course, I have something to deal with I’d rather not have on my to-do list and it will cost me some money.  That’s just life unfolding normally though.  We get good.  We get not so good.  The bad and sad are a normal part of human existence.  Today I accept living just as it comes in all forms.  To damn getting the tickets would be to damn my life.  Whether my thinking is the tickets are petty or not, the well dressed and polished policeman was just doing his work.  I accept that also. 

My gratitude this morning is to realize how little being stopped by the motorcycle cop affected me.  Some years back my day would have been filled with wafts of anger floating to the top of thoughts numerous times.  Back then even a day later I would still have been negatively effected some by getting the tickets.  My gratitude is very large to see how much I have grown and how much better my ability today is to live my life just as it comes!

Life is 10% what happens to you and 90% how you react to it.
Charles R. Swindoll

When Did I Become an Adult?

/ James Browning

 I certainly have the responsibilities of an adult BUT “when did I become one”?

There was no one hanging around graduation who came up and handed me a small box saying “here’s all the secret knowledge about living that will need now that you have become an adult”.  There were no classes offered to teach me how to be a grown-up.  No invitations to join the institution of adulthood ever came.  No opportunity to have the covert rules and rituals revealed was offered.  There was never a form to fill out so I could enlist to be an adult.

I recall being little and wanting to be bigger.  My memory is clear of being in elementary school wanting to be in high school.  Becoming sixteen wishing I was twenty-one has not been forgotten.  All I know is somewhere between then and now apparently I became an adult… well, sort of… mostly.  What I do know is there’s no test, sudden blinding light of wisdom or tangible event that signified my transition.

Here’s some perspective on “when a person becomes an adult” from teenagers on stayteen.org:  link

  • I will know that I am an adult when I can live on my own, when I am fully capable of surviving independently. I will no longer depend on shelter, food, transportation, and money from my parents.
  • I’ll really know that I’m an adult when I find my passion in life. As you get older you start to see what you are really interested on. Once you hit high school and you have a career that really calls your attention, that’s when I think you are mature because you have a future plan ahead of you, you are thinking college, and you know that you are doing the right decision.
  • I have no idea how I’ll know I’m really an adult. I asked my friends around me when they all thought they would feel like a grown up and they all said “I don’t think you can ever stop growing,” “You may get old but you never stop growing spiritually, emotionally, and mentally.”
  • For the most part I believe there are no adults…that everyone is not always responsible or mature.
  • I think someone is truly an adult when they can make a mistake, take credit for it and work to fix the mistake you made.

There’s some truth in what the teens said, but they are expressing a viewpoint about what they have no knowledge of, so I moved on to facts and figures.  Stats from Larry Nelson of Brigham Young University published in USA Today show  parents and students 18 to 25 years old don’t always agree on what it takes to be considered a grown-up.

Driving a car safely and close to the speed limit
• Students: 49%
• Dads: 75%
• Moms: 81%

Avoid becoming drunk
• Students: 43%
• Dads: 60%
• Moms: 70%

Settled into long-term career
• Students: 53%
• Dads: 31%
• Moms: 39%

Becoming financially independent from parents
• Students: 93%
• Dads: 76%
• Moms: 82%

So the mystery remains.  An answer is an enigma.  I really don’t know when I became “mostly” an adult.  Please note the term “mostly”, because moving completely past youth has proved to be impossible.  I know, I tried.  And now I am grateful for not succeeding.

For the spark of a child that resides within and for the fragment of a teenager that remains, I am grateful.  Those remnants help me to see I did not become something else when I moved (mostly) out of childhood and became  an adult.  Rather I just became more of what I already was.

Everyone else my age is an adult, whereas I am merely in disguise.
Margaret Atwood

Being Aware that Fire Can Burn

/ James Browning

Driving down the freeway the other day I noticed a big store I planned to visit on the weekend, but then was conscious of nothing else for another five miles.  A short while later slowing down to make my exit I wondered who was driving the car the last five minutes!

Never has such an experience come up in conversation that another does not relate similar experiences.  In something of a self-hypnotized state we humans apparently are able to function normally while mentally being somewhere else.  I have come to realize this practice can easily become a wide-spread habit that obscures a lot more than a few minutes.  When living today becomes routine and life is imagined to only be in the future, the danger of losing one’s self has begun.  Very well this is known to me from experience!

My father says that almost the whole world is asleep. Everybody you know. Everybody you see. Everybody you talk to. He says that only a few people are awake and they live in a state of constant total amazement.  From “Joe Versus the Volcano”.

During my 20’s and early 30’s I was in career building mode and the struggles to get ahead kept me keenly aware of what was going on around me.  Drifting off and living unconsciously happened to a much less degree then.  As success came and the comfort of plenty found me I slipped more and more into unconscious living.  Life to me then was all about what I was going to do when I retired early and indulged in what I was dreaming of doing.  But, as John Lennon wrote “Life is what happens while you are making other plans”.  I became a “Sleepwalker”.

On her blog “Personal Excellence” link Celestine Chua describes Sleepwalkers:  These are people who live through their lives in an unconscious state.  Being conscious isn’t about being physically awake – Many people around us are physically awake, yet living unconsciously. They are not fully aware of who they are, the larger context of life they are a part of and their real purpose in life.   

Sleepwalking as Ms Chua describes it helps to at least partially explain why my 40’s and about half of my 50’s are a blur.  The only direction was being headed toward something, but what I did not know. I dreamed instead of planning and could not envision what was ahead was to crash emotionally under the weight of all I tried so hard to out run.  I fantasized instead doing the work in the present and in time that caught up with me.  All I knew was the life I wanted was not in my possession and felt it was to be found in the future.  Of course, that is delusion.  Life is always happening NOW.  In whatever guise and shape, what is “now” is the ONLY place “life” happens.

One of the symptoms of being a “Sleepwalker” Celestine Chua notes in her article is something I was very guilty of once upon a time:  Find no time to do things you want to do.  She explains Sleepwalkers are often busy all the time – they frequently complain about having a lack of time, not being able to do things they want, etc. But they do not realize they are the ones who put themselves in that position in the first place. When questioned by other people, they cannot exactly put a finger to where all the time and energy went into. Sleepwalkers are always waiting for a proverbial ‘next time’ for their goals, dreams and desires in life, but they do not realize that the ‘next time’ never comes. By the time they do, a long time has already passed, and now they switch to thinking that it’s now ‘too late’ to work on their goals. 

Realizing I was just beginning to slip into some old patterns of thinking, I found the article on the “Personal Excellence” website to be a welcome wake up call.  My dysfunctions of depression and compulsion are thankfully not in control these days.  However, I was starting to  “sleepwalk” again thinking the life I wanted was somewhere in the future.  There was also a bit of playing the “too late” game with myself.  By simple acknowledgement the renewed delusions are dissolving.

Reminding myself of the discoveries of five years ago is all that is needed.  I am very grateful for the teaching the past gave me and for that awareness now preventing me from slipping into those old ways of being.

Knowledge is being aware that fire can burn;
wisdom is remembering the blister.
Unknown

The Marble and the Sculptor

/ James Browning / 1 Comment

George Bernard Shaw’s quote pictured just above is good food for thought.  Once upon a time I remember firmly believing I could find myself out there somewhere.  My approach was that of an adventurer.  Simply thinking if “I” am to be found at some location other that where I am, let the journey begin!  And so it did.

I tried changing locales often while searching for “me”.  Within the searching I lived in eight states from the Atlantic to Pacific Oceans and even tried close to a year as an expatriate in a foreign country. There were a few hints and sign posts forward, but there was no”me” there to be found.

I went looking for “myself”  with high focus on interests such as piloting airplanes, professional photography, high-powered rocketry, collecting antiques, travel to exotic places and more.  There was no “me” to be found up in the sky.  No image ever captured did more than vaguely hint at who I might be.  Even when the everyday person I am was mostly stripped away by places where little was familiar only a few vague notions of “me” arrived.

I thought maybe some of the un-located “me” might be in another person and a long list of short and long relationships came and went.  Within those loves and heart breaks there was a moving closer to the destination of “myself” that came through revelations of what I was not.  The trying to fit in and the molding of myself to others painfully taught a lot of what was not “me”, but not much of what “I was”.

As many worthy discoveries come from failure of another intention, the many failings of my choices in time brought me unwillingly onto the path of “creating myself”.   The makings of the “me” searched for through many years had been inside all along!  I had been running away from it hoping to replace what was there unsuccessfully with something else.  When there was not other choice, I became the creating artist of my own life.  Some of the best chisels in my sculpting kit are:

Often being around others working on similar self improvement.
Getting up earlier and giving my most rested hours to myself.
Appreciating what I have instead of wanting something else.
Living first and foremost for myself instead of others.
Looking inward and writing here what I see and feel.
Forgiving others for what they have done to me.
Expectations of good instead of the opposite.
Making amends with those I hurt in the past.
Expanding the good, diminishing the bad.
Working to live instead of living to work.
Forgiveness for things I have done.
Learning to be comfortably alone.
Faithfulness to myself and others.
Belief in a power greater than me.
Being a better friend.
Growing gratefulness.
Staying in one place.
Optimism.
and more.

A great deal of time was spent previously expecting to “arrive” and to instantly have the complete life I thought was my destiny to have.  Now it is clear life is not a destination and is instead something created daily or more accurately, moment by moment.  My discovery has been when I live more fully in the ‘now’ I better ‘carve’ out the “me” I once searched for.  In a relatively short time my future has begun to unfold more as I want and my past has begun to be something I am pleased about.  Being proud of one’s self gives a person amazing strength!

This all sounds simple and it is, but hard to do.  The difficulty is removing the sediment that life puts over us given time.  It’s easy to begin to believe the residue of the years is who and what we are.  I had to dig the mudslide of many years that covered and obscured the “me” with. 

Like a miner I had to remove the layers of mud before the veins of raw gold of “me” could be located.  And only then could the gold began to be processed  and shaped.  Mining of any sort takes strength, determination and consistent digging.  Now instead of a feeling of being lost, I am the daily sculptor and creator of “me”.  The hard work of the task is not a deterrence and I am deeply grateful for the measure of peace and satisfaction the labor now brings each day.

Man cannot remake himself without suffering,
for he is both the marble and the sculptor.
Dr. Alexis Carrel

Between the Idiocy of Infancy & the Folly of Youth

/ James Browning

“I Resign”
Author Unknown

I am hereby officially tendering
my resignation as an adult.

I have decided I would like to accept the
responsibilities of an 8-year-old again.

I want to go to McDonald’s and think
that it’s a four star restaurant.

I want to sail sticks across a fresh mud
puddle and make ripples with rocks.

I want to think M&Ms are better than
money because you can eat them.

I want to lie under a big oak tree and run a
lemonade stand with my friends on a hot summer day.

I want to return to a time when life was simple.

When all you knew were colors,
multiplication tables, and nursery rhymes,
but that didn’t bother you, because you
didn’t know what you didn’t know and you didn’t care.

All you knew was to be happy because you
were blissfully unaware of all the things
that should make you worried or upset.

I want to think the world is fair.

That everyone is honest and good.

I want to believe that anything is possible.

I want to be oblivious to the complexities of life
and be overly excited by the little things again.

I want to live simple again.

I don’t want my day to consist of computer crashes,
mountains of paperwork, depressing news,
how to survive more days in the month than there
is money in the bank, doctor bills, gossip,
illness, and loss of loved ones.

I want to believe in the power of smiles, hugs,
a kind word, truth, justice, peace, dreams,
the imagination, mankind, and making angels in the snow.

So… here’s my checkbook and my car keys,
my credit cards and all my responsibility.

I am officially resigning from adulthood.

And if you want to discuss this further,
you’ll have to catch me first,
’cause,

“Tag! You’re it.”

Being a child again in body is not possible, but reconnecting more with the child in my soul is. A little boy remains inside, unseen. He is mostly unconscious and sleeping buried there under layers of “adult stuff” and the weight of years.

When I allow just a small crack to break through those heavy grown-up layers a youngster’s lighter way of being surfaces like a helium balloon rises when freed. I am grateful to know the goodness that comes from waking the child within. By freeing that little boy a little now and then, small perspective adjustments come that make life grander, more interesting and one heck of a lot more fun.

At this very moment thoughts of finger painting pop into my head… hmmm… how long has it been? 50 years????

Childhood: the period of human life intermediate between the idiocy of infancy and the folly of youth – two removes from the sin of manhood and three from the remorse of age. 
Ambrose Bierce

It’s Harder to Ignore It

/ James Browning

Dear Dad,

The last time we spoke I was very angry at you and my feelings were not misplaced.  You needed to hear what I had to say.  At the time there is no way to have known we would never speak again.

Here in late middle age I am making peace with the emotional injuries of childhood including you leaving on my seventh birthday.  I don’t hold that against now.  How complicated adult life actually is has been taught to me the hard way.  Having made some weighty mistakes that are now deeply regretted, I comprehend better why you shed tears and spoke “I’m so sorry’s” during my visits as a grown man.  You never did anything intentionally to hurt me.  I know that.  Rather you were lost in your dysfunctions, delusions and “junk” from childhood.  I’m don’t think you ever even thought there were anything wrong with you nor ever saw those primary causes of the chaos and unhappiness of your life.

In childhood you were hurt and damaged. That is a good bit of what led you to behave as you did as an adult. Your mother abandoned you at seven when you and a younger brother were left with a middle-aged and bitter father who knew nothing about raising children.  From stories told it is easy to see he too was emotionally injured from his own formative years.  My suspicion is his father was an emotional mess too as was his father before him and so on.  There is no way of knowing how far back the dysfunctions have been passed from generation to generation are rooted.

I will never think of you as a bad man, but will always know you were a weak one.  You spent all your life running away from yourself, but like your shadow in daylight that was always present, you were unable to outrun your childhood baggage.  You tried the cure of money and found it fixed little to nothing.  Actually it probably helped you become more deeply enmeshed in your dysfunctional behavior.  All the marriages and the parade of women in your life at best only temporarily relieved your pain.  The pursuit of fame and burning desire to have “famous friends” did nothing but fuel what was already wrong.

Then came alcohol abuse followed by drugs I believe you took up to look cool to the younger women you pursued.  Somehow dating women young enough not just to be your daughter, but in some cases you granddaughter gave you a temporary false sense of being younger.  The twenty-something women were just another of another substance of choice to numb what hurt inside you.

I wish there was more pride in me for the person you were.  Instead there is memory of a man I loved in spite of his mistakes, flaws, dysfunctions and injurious behavior to himself and others.  Never was there ever any real happiness in your life.  How constantly you kicked away chances at contentment was never something you realized.  It makes me sad when I think of how tormented your life was.  You never knew your place which makes me all the more grateful I am down the road a good way in knowing mine.

Although there was no contact between us during the last year and a half of your life, I am glad you ended up in rehab.  While that was not your choice and the legal system put you there, sobriety did find you.  Staying straight and living humbly the last eighteen months of your life is something I am proud you accomplished.  You faced the most difficult person to face:  yourself, and made at least a temporary peace.

This May twenty years ago you died of a heart attack at an Alcoholics Anonymous meeting at the end of taking a turn sharing about your journey.  To know you made a difference in other lives, if even small ones, gives me something to be proud of you for.  I doubt long-term you could have stayed sober, but that is irrelevant now.  What does matter is your last days were spent trying to face your demons and walking a path of sobriety.  I will always be grateful for that.

Love always,

Your son

All the times that I cried,
Keeping all the things I knew inside,
It’s hard, but it’s harder to ignore it.
From Cat Steven’s song “Father and Son”