Knowledge

Lucky to Have Suffered

/ James Browning

The old adage goes you can only love someone else as much as you love your self.  While there is some obvious truth in that statement, I learned a lot from others about love between a man and a woman.  My greatest teachers have been a few special women who have loved me deeply.  In spite of having beneficial self-forgiveness today, I will always lament that I was unable to love them with the same depth they loved me. Emotionally a child within, the ability to return the love received was just not possible then.  My gratitude is deep for those women who schooled me in how to love in a deep and profound way that I benefit from today.  No amount of positive self-talk could have replicated this experience and the wisdom gained.  It was a gift of intimacy, not of will-power.  I will always be grateful.

I remember other women who met my vulnerability with disinterest when I was in my late teens and 20’s.  In memory strongest from then are those who said they loved me deeply when the statment was grossly untrue.  Something tender shriveled within me and I thought I might never be able to share the real me again.  My response thereafter was to create an exterior that matched what I thought others wanted me to be.  This came from just being myself and feeling it did not work.   So I created a false self that let me feel safe and accepted—but at significant cost. Psychoanalytic theorist Donald Winnicot said, “Only the true self can be creative and only the true self can feel real.” Consequently, the person women fell for was, at least in part, my projected false self; the one that could not honestly love fully in return.  And there is my flaw and dysfuntion that then prevented me loving adequately in return.

In an article on www.psychologytoday.com Ken Page, a New York author and psychotherapist wrote:Imagine taking a pet you love and putting it in a yard with an invisible electric fence. When it tries to move outside its allowed space, it gets stunned by an unexpected shock. It will only take a few jolts before your pet gets the message: if it goes too far, punishment will be instantaneous. In a short period of time, your pet won’t act as if the borders even exist; it will simply avoid them. If pushed closer to the danger zone, it will exhibit increasing signs of anxiety. The world outside the fence just isn’t worth the pain.

Now imagine turning off the charge from the invisible fence, and then placing a bowl of food outside its perimeter. Your pet might be starving, but it will still be terrified to enter into the newly free space. And when it finally crosses the line, it does so with trembling; anticipating the pain of new shocks. It is the same with us; even though we yearn for the freedom of our true self, some deep reflexive instinct still tries to protect us from being hurt again.

Yep, for most of my adult life I was that much like that poor, frightened pet in the example.  The lack of love in childhood, seeing almost nothing but dysfunctional relationships then and picking troubled women who hurt me in my early adult life all worked together to condition me to be like the pet example.  I became part real and a partially “put-on” person to avoid being hurt.  I ended up not only being unable to love intimately,I got hurt anyway.

Being anything but what one truly is never works in the long run.  With the education of being loved in the past, especially by the two women I was married to, and years of recovery from codependent and love avoidant issues I am so very different now.  I can really love! Today my heart is open fully and I am in love with all I am for the first time probably in my entire life.  The questioning of whether I should or not is gone.  My doubts about myself are greatly diminished.  The shame I feel about my past is healing.  And most of all, I feel truly worthy of being loved.

My ability to love fully was learned in large part through relationships that instructed me in the worth of my most vulnerable self.  My gratefulness for the love shown me by those exceptional women is great.  I only wish I would have had the ability to have reciprocated what I was being given.   A., B., R., K. and A. … from the bottom of my heart, thank you for loving me.

Dean Ornish, MD in “Love and Survival. The Scientific Basis for the Healing Power of Intimacy” wrote: love and intimacy are at the root of what makes us sick and what makes us well… I am not aware of any factor in medicine — not diet, not smoking, not stress, not genetics, not drugs, not surgery—that has greater impact on our quality of life, incidence of illness and premature death from all causes.

In less than four lines just above is a simple explanation why I am the happiest today I have ever been.  With the tempest of self-loathing inside gone except for a little short-lived and controllable storm once in a while I am psychologically and physically the best I have even been.  I could mourn all the years behind me when I was not so, but instead I choose to live my life with gratitude “in the now” with belief in the good that is ahead.

I believe that I was lucky to have suffered. Some people don’t realize that in suffering there is great potential, because if you are deprived for any reason… and if you set your mind in the right direction, you will find that the only way to survive is for you to excel, by being better… Talal Abu-Ghazaleh

The Two I’s

/ James Browning

I can’t believe I said that.  I can’t believe I did that.  I can’t believe I let that happen.  I can’t believe I did not see that coming.  I can’t believe I got fooled again.  I, I, I, I…
 
When I began pay close attention to such statements it became apparent to me there are two distinct “I’s” in every one of them.  There is the one “doing” (the first “I”) and the one watching (the second “I”).  Over time the realization came that these are two distinct elements of my consciousness each being represented by one of the “I’s”. 
 
The first “I”, the doer, is the thinking part of me where ideas are formed into action in my brain through my thoughts. My ego lives here and has many facets and names by which it is known:  personality, traits, individuality, persona, temperament, disposition, etc.  My perception is this part of my consciousness resides in my head.
 
The second “I” is the feeling part of me where my actions are judged though my emotions and sentiments.  My conscience lives here and has many facets and names that it is known by:  instinct, gut, spirit, heart, intuition, character, soul, etc.  My perception is this part of my consciousness resides in my chest.
 
Seeing my self this way had been a big help in sorting “me” out.  My mind or the thinking part of me is always spinning and throwing things like a blender with the lid off.  Constantly spinning and whizzing around my brain is spewing things out day and night.  This is the more dominant part of my consciousness and actually a big bully that can abuse me into doing things that my feelings know I should not do.  This thinking part of me is also a lair a times and will create whatever it needs to in order to have its way with me.
 
My heart or the feeling part of me mostly just tucks itself away quietly unless called upon to show emotions applicable.  Rarely will I hear this soft voice of my conscience unless the intensity of the situation presses it to come forward or I intentionally rouse it and listen.  Feeling is the more passive part of my consciousness and can be bullied away by my thoughts.  Then I usually end up doing something deep down I know I should not do.  This feeling part of me always tells the truth, but the voice is passive unless awakened.  I have to be paying attention to hear it.
 
Thinking and feeling lie at opposite ends of the spectrum wrote Charles Gustafson, M.A., MFCC.  Human Beings are capable of either thinking or feeling, but usually not at the same time. Many people tend to confuse the two processes. It is not uncommon to hear feelings couched as thoughts and thoughts presented as feelings. Although there are obvious exceptions, thoughts maybe seen as arising from the brain (above the neck) while feelings arise from the body (below the neck). A thought is something that one generates while a feeling is something one experiences.  Thoughts are appraisals or opinions of what we perceive or experience. They act as explanations to help us understand our world. Not understanding what is happening around us leaves us feeling helpless, vulnerable and frustrated, which we find unpleasant. Understanding gives us a sense of competence or mastery that is comforting.
 
Gustafson goes on to say Emotions happen in response to thoughts or perceptions. If I think that I am a worthy person who is loved and valued, I will feel good about myself and the world I live in. If I think that I am unworthy and have nothing to offer others, I am apt to feel unhappy and hopeless and may become depressed. Although the process is largely automatic, our feelings follow our thoughts. The good news here is that we are, in fact, in charge of how we feel.  As either a thought or a feeling becomes more intense, the other function fades.

Thus, when feeling anything intensely, it becomes difficult to think or concentrate concludes Gustafson. One can learn to notice when one is thinking and when one is feeling. Each is appropriate in different situations. Identifying our thoughts and feelings accurately is part of living a full and satisfying life.
 
To break down the line of thinking I began with:   I (the thinking part of me) can’t believe I (the feeling part of me) did that.  That manner of perception works for the way I want to live. 
 
My brain never shuts down and long ago I learned I can not stop it… ever!  What I can do is not pay so much attention to it.  It is not always right and actually is often wrong.  When I am able to shift my perception from my thinking to what I am feeling I usually find a more accurate view.  Then it is not what I am “thinking” that matters most, but what I am “feeling” that I pay most attention to.  When “think” is in conflict with “feel” going with the latter is not always correct, but more often than not it is.  When the two are in harmony (what I think and what I feel) is when I know something is absolutely correct for me.  I am grateful for this knowledge learned the yard way in the school of hard knocks called life.

My mind told me to give up, but my heart would not let me.
Unknown

 

The Most Radiant Pages

/ James Browning / 1 Comment

There is not enough kindness in the world and far too much of the opposite.  I can’t imagine anyone disagreeing with that statement.  In everyday life most people (including me until about ten years ago) are so blinded by where they have been and where they are going that little notice is made of each moment’s passing.  There were many years I barely paid attention to what was around me and to an even lesser degree, noticed the people in my momentary surroundings.  In the last decade a portion of the work to improve my quality of life has included improving awareness.  It has made a tremendous difference. 
 
Her name tag read “Sandra” as I walked up to the hotel checkout desk yesterday.  We made small talk for about a minute concerning the sun finally showing its face after three days of clouds while she processed my departure.  She handed the receipt to me and said “have a nice day”.  As I returned the sentiment I looked her straight in the eye making full visual contact for a split second and said “thank you” in earnest.  I felt her appreciation immediately.  I really saw her and she knew it. 

Many people disregard service personnel and treat them at best like they’re not there and at worst in a mean-spirited manner.  Certainly I can bow-up to bad treatment when I get it, but when getting decent to good service I always try to connect if only for a moment.  Time and time again I have seen how just a tiny little bit of kindness can make a difference.  Being pleasant and making full eye contact states that I really do see the other person.  That acknowledgment is a small kindness that I am convinced makes a difference.
 
After checkout, at the front of the hotel a prearranged car was waiting for me.  On the way to the airport, I came to know a person I will long remember.  Just having sat down in the luxury car’s backseat, an older gentleman who was the driver looked at me in the rear view mirror and asked how I was doing.  My usual response of “every day’s a good day, some are just better than others” pleased him.  He smiled and said “I’m a blessed man too”.  As we pulled out of the hotel driveway our special little time together continued as I asked where he was from.  He replied “I was born in Mobile, Alabama”.  With my response “I was born in Alabama too” a real conversation began.
 
So often service people like a cab or limo driver are hardly paid attention to by customers.  As I did yesterday morning with who life has thrown into my path, I often try a few exploratory exchanges to find out if a person is interested in conversation.  Most are.  The driver seemed very pleased that I took an interest in him.  I learned he had lived most of his life  in Indianapolis, first as a dietitian and later as a Chemist’s assistant.  The vocation he loved best was the latter that made use of his minor in chemistry for the last 15 years of his full-time working life.   He had retired and moved to Michigan six years previously for the “fishing” he said and was a part-time driver to help afford his “expensive fishing toys”. 
 
Our forty minutes passed quickly and it was only outside the vehicle when he went to get my suitcase out of the truck that I got a full look at him.  Short, African-American, full head of almost white hair, dressed well and quite distinguished looking.  I put my hand out as I asked what his first name was.  He replied “Carl”.  I shook his hand as I said “my name is James”.  I thanked him for the good conversation and wished him well.  In seconds I was inside the airport and Carl was off to pick up his last run of the day so he could go fishing in a few hours.  He is now another of my special “temporary friends” who will remain indelibly stamped into my preferred memory. 
 
So long it has been a traveling practice I can’t remember when it began. At least 25 years ago I began consistently saying six simple words of thanks just before I stepped off an airplane and onto the Jetway.  A moment before the exit door I direct my voice up front into the command cabin and say “Thanks for a safe ride guys”.  Rarely do they miss hearing me.  Without fail I get a pleased and positive response from them.
 
Why do I feel compelled to say thanks to the pilots?  First, I am truly grateful for each and every flight I am on that is flown safely.  And secondly, I am convinced there is not enough gratitude expressed.  There’s an over-supply of bitching and complaining but not nearly enough focus on what is good and goes well.  Saying thank you to the pilots is my way of putting a little more goodness into life on this planet.  Does it make a difference?  Yes, I think it does.  Each kindness may mean little by its self, but collectively the total of them all has to make a positive contribution to the overall quality of life for everyone.  Further, I know for certain saying “thank you” and expressing my gratitude makes me feel good.  And that’s the best reason I know to continue always doing it whenever I can!

Unselfish and noble actions are
the most radiant pages in the biography of souls. 
David Thomas

No Priviledged Access to Reality

/ James Browning / 1 Comment

Quite by accident last night on my hotel room TV I stumbled onto an episode of “Nature” on PBS that grabbed my attention.  In it naturalist Joe Hutto became “mother” to a flock of wild turkeys and lived with them day in and day out.  His year and a half with the birds gave him a unique opportunity to immerse himself in their lives and see the world through their eyes.  At one point in the program he said we do not have a privileged access to reality.  We have this tendency to live ahead:  to anticipate.  Wild turkeys don’t do that.  They believe all their needs will be met in this moment and life is not better ½ mile deeper into the woods and tomorrow.   This is it.  We betray our lives in the moment.  Wild turkeys remind me to be present; to be here.

In my life weeks and months have passed when I had a little presence in the moment.  Either something from the past was always haunting me or thoughts of the future were worrying me.  Often both were happening at once. Looking back I don’t recall a single bit of the anguish ever making my life better.  However, I could not see the complete waste being disconnected from “now” was.  Wandering around in the past or future tripping is like being lost in a fog without even being aware of the blinding mist.

Remex Sasson has a good explanation of what living in the present is: to be aware of what is happening to you, what you are doing and what you are feeling and thinking. It is being conscious of your thoughts and focusing them on the present. In this way you look at situations as they are, without coloring them with your past experiences. Living in such a way makes it easier to deal with whatever you are doing at the present moment. You see things as they are, without being influenced by fears, anger, desires or attachments.

For me rehashing the past or contemplating the future has a lot to do with control.  When I stop and focus, it’s a little crazy to realize I have tried over and over to get something in the past to make sense.  That was me trying to control the past; to change it; to bring it around to my way of thinking.  More often than not, the past just was and makes no logical sense.  I see that better today.

It took intention and practice to break my habit of excessive worrying about the future and fretting about the past.  Now the realization is clear all that was just a deeply ingrained bad habit.  There was no quick fix for me.  Intention and desire was the beginning for me to change.  Determination to improve my life made it possible. A meditation practice made my effort consistent.  And learning from a variety of people from Tolle to Epictetus, Lama Das to Moses, Collier to Seligman and more gave wisdom to urge me forward.

Sitting here at the keyboard my thoughts again drift to the “Nature” program last night where naturalist Joe Hutto repeatedly made the point that animals in the wild are much smarter than we give them credit.  He intimated it is a great mistake to think wild animals are dumb.  Just because they are completely ignorant of the ways of the civilized world does not make them stupid. They are born with genetic imprinting humans have lost over time due to lack of need.  Consequently in these times we are the ones that come into the world “dumb”. 

We’re living in a world that contributes in a major way to mental fragmentation, disintegration, distraction, de-coherence, says Buddhist scholar B. Alan Wallace. We’re always doing something, and we allow little time to practice stillness and calm.

No magical cure has found me.  There has no painless rebirth.  It has instead been a practiced awareness that came from repeated trial and error that changed things.  Now I can at least some of the time keep myself rooted in the present.  Gone are the days when 100% of the time my past and future roared like a waterfall to drown out all of the “now”.  It’s likely at least half the time I still am somewhere else other than the present.  But that also means about half the time I am right here, right now!

Within there is much awareness that I miss the one in my heart and look forward to feeling her in my arms tonight when I return from being away for several days. A smile comes and I resist trying to imagine our reunion in more detail.  Instead I hang on to the warm and contented feeling those thoughts bring knowing she waits for me and go back to whatever I am doing.  I am so very grateful to be at this juncture of my life where every moment is dear to me.  I’ll be home soon Darlin’.

Having spent the better part of my life trying either to relive the past or experience the future before it arrives, I have come to believe that in between these two extremes is peace.  Author Unknown

The Five Love Languages

/ James Browning / 3 Comments

At times I had told others “I am my own lab rat”.  Such a strange statement has a fairly simple meaning; I experiment and try things on myself in a quest to improve and grow.  From self-hypnosis (which I got decent results from), to lucid dreaming (never could get in the habit of doing it) to meditation (which I get great results from) to lots of other experimentation I remain open to finding what can make a positive difference in my life. 
 
Several months back someone told me about the book “The Five Love Languages: How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate” by Gary Chapmen.  I got a copy of the book and on my current business trip brought it along.  It has been difficult to put down.  The concepts are presented in a down to earth manner that makes complete sense to me.  I have gained a lot of insight into relationship difficulties in the past and opportunity for the future.  While the book’s frame of reference leans toward married couples, it is applicable to anyone in a serious relationship.  I have had several strong “ah ha moments” so far and will complete the book before I get home.
 
The primary concept of the book is that each person has a specific love language (sometimes two) that is essential for him/her to feel loved.  If a partner “speaks” the language the other needs, the relationship is far more rewarding, comfortable, intimate and resilient.  Even when difficulty comes it is more readily and constructively dealt with when both partners are speaking/hearing each other’s language.  Otherwise one person in the relationship figuratively ends up speaking “Dutch” while the other is using “Italian”.  Then neither understands the other at all.

Here are the 5 languages of love outlined in the book:

Quality time: For one who needs things spoken to them in this language, things like spending time together, eye contact, deep and meaningful conversations and shared activities are needed to feel loved. Bonding time with their partner is what is most important to them.

Receiving gifts: When you are with a partner who relishes little gifts and surprises, this is precisely what you will get. You will constantly be showered with new clothes, flowers or other presents. This is how they want to be loved and is exactly what they do for their partners.  This doing for another person is expressing what they actually need themself.  Giving the gift of one’s own time is also an important symbol of love to these people.

Words of affection: This works by giving your partner near constant reinforcement, compliments, sweet love notes and lots of encouragement. This is important because those who speak this language are sensitive people and need reassurance on a highly consistent basis.  They thrive on being told they are loved and are important.  Such a person can become fearful and uncertain without it.     

Physical touch: If this is the language of your partner they will be very affectionate or, as some like to call it, touchy-feely. Sex to them means much more than just an orgasm – it is a way to connect. However, they desire contact far beyond sexual activity.  Holding hands, hugs, and caresses are very important to these men and women.  Without physical contact a person who needs the language of Physical Touch can feel unloved.

Acts of service: Some people find pleasure in doing things for others. By doing these people are actually illustrating what they want and need themself.  Such a man or woman may show love by helping out, doing chores, running errands or gladly doing things for a partner, whether desired or not.   However, the only acts that matter are those done out of love, not obligation.

While I still have about a third of the book to go, the “Languages” of love I personally need spoken to me are already apparent.  I was able to confirm my initial impressions with a quiz you can take at this link to find the language of love you need: http://www.beliefnet.com/Love-Family/Relationships/Quiz/The-5-Love-Languages-Quiz.aspx
 
Here are my Love Language Scores:
10 Words of Affirmation
10 Physical Touch
7 Quality Time
2 Acts of Service
1 Receiving Gifts

The highest score possible is 12.  I scored a high need to be spoken to in two distinct “Languages”:  Words of Affirmation and Physical Touch.   Accordingly to the book two is not unusual but more than two is.   Simply, its Affirmation and Touch that make me feel loved.  Quality Time matters some, but Acts of Service and Gifts really are not my needs. That all rings true for me.
 
Now it’s easy to see I played to my own need in every past love relationship. If those things were the needs of the other person, that was a good thing.  If I was involved with someone who needed one of the three other Languages spoken to her, I never fulfilled her needs.  I was too busy giving what I wanted, thinking I was showing love by doing that. That all seems so simple now to the point of “duh, why did I not see that before?” I am very grateful to have this insight!

Love makes your soul crawl out from its hiding place.  Zora Neale Hurston

More about Gary Chapmen’s “The Five Love Languages”:  http://www.5lovelanguages.com/learn-the-languages/the-five-love-languages/

Once Upon a Time in the Hills of Alabama

/ James Browning / 2 Comments

An old book of rhymes I bought for two dollars by a forgotten local Tulsa poet stirred some distant memories as I thumbed through the pages this morning. He wrote of things before my time I often could not relate directly to like when the ice man brought ice to his house, sleeping on a feather mattress or the conductor on a night train. Some of my grammar school year memories from around five decades ago will be just as unfamiliar today to any “young’un”. Even to me some seem far-fetched or made up when I tell the stories, even through they are truth or at least truth as I remember it.

Clearly I remember the old alcoholic who would buy bottles of lemon extract flavoring at the country store. Being high in alcohol content he’d be plastered from drinking it and be laying in the weeds singing within a quarter-mile from the store happily lost in his oblivion.  Eventually the store stopped selling the stuff to him.

My 5th grade teacher was Miss Pittman and as the prefix implied she had never married. At least 60 years of age, she lived in the rundown teacher dorm behind the high school with one other “old maid” female teacher. By the time I got to high school she had passed on and the dorm was torn down. I wonder how she would feel today about me recalling her as the meanest teacher I ever had!

There was Dick Butterworth who liked us kids. Weekdays he was a local laborer and on weekends he was a professional happy drunk. On Saturday when he was high on booze we kids could convince him of just about anything. Once my brother, two cousins and I had him believing there was a little man who lived in the well by the store. He had a flash light and was looking down trying to find him in the well. Thinking back I am glad here was a cinder block housing around the well or he would have fallen in!

When I was six my father, mother, little brother and I went on a Sunday to visit my Mom’s first cousin in prison where he had been sent for moon shining. Clearly I recall a bucket on a rope being lowered by from a guard tower for car keys to be placed and surrendered during the visit. And inside the fence in the outdoor family picnic area the barbed wire at the top made me uneasy even as a child. That experience probably has a little to do with why I have never been arrested and kept myself straight with the law.

There was a milk cow my grandparents had they called “ole three tit”. There should have been four on her and I never knew if the missing one was from an accident or genetics. I had been told the cow did not like kids. Being the bull-headed boy I have always been there was no problem going against what I had been told and heading to the barn at milking time. I will never forget the cow coming after me and my grandmother protecting me with a two by four she wacked the old girl with! I got in trouble but did not get hurt. My Papa (grandfather) took “ole three tit” to the cattle sale within a week or two.

Raising chickens was big business on the farm and there were two “chicken” houses longer than a football field and probably forty feet wide. In between grown ones being taken away and chicks being delivered was a few weeks where the fertilizer laden (OK chicken poop laden) sawdust on the floor was changed out. On a rainy day during such times my brother and I would hunt rats that fed on the ground corn the chickens were fed. And I mean RATS not mice! When we got one, which was not often, you’d think we had bagged big game in Africa.

A clothes pin and a piece of cardboard or playing card placed correctly could make a bicycle sound kind of like a motorcycle. At least we thought so. But to get a temporary throaty engine sound nothing worked better than tying a balloon so it interacted with the spokes. It lasted only a short while until the balloon wore through, but in those moments I felt like I was on a Harley!

Or there was George Parker who spoke with a speech impediment and dipped snuff. I saw him many times spit the nasty stuff in the top breast pocket of his overalls. That’s makes my face scrunch up even now thinking about it. Or I remember the time Bud Stansell and his wife were robbed by escaped convicts that the police caught in a cornfield within sight of my grandparent’s house. Bud’s head was bandaged up from where they had hit him and I learned a new “cuss-word” or two as he spoke his mind while the highway patrolmen loaded the prisoners up.

Memory is clear when my Dad ran a country store and after closing time some of his buddies would show up so they all could drink beer and play bluegrass music around the wood stove heater in back.  Another relic of times past is “The Lord Provides Shinebone Valley Country Store” pictured at the top.

Growing up, all I wanted was to leave the rural south behind as far as possible. As an adult I made that wish come true. I have come to realize that as a child I was witness to the last of a way of life in rural Shinbone Valley, Alabama that had not changed much in a century and a half. That old way of life is almost completely gone now. Interstates, TV, air travel and the like helped bring about rapid change that I have embraced and enjoyed. However, I will always be grateful for the unique memories I have from my childhood that for their time were as good as anything Mark Twain ever wrote about.

Don’t you wish you could take a single childhood memory
and blow it up into a bubble and live inside it forever?
Sarah Addison Allen

Gratitude: The Cure for Dissatisfaction

/ James Browning / 4 Comments

Why are so many of us unhappy? Why are mental health problems growing so rapidly? According to the Surgeon General 1 in 5 American adults AND children are affected by a mental disorder during each year! WHY?!?!

The following comes from an anonymously written editorial on the website chinatownconnection.com.  It is titled “Why Are Americans so Unhappy” and I believe sheds light on the “why”:

Is it that we have electricity and running water 24 hours a day, 7 days a week? Is our unhappiness the result of having air conditioning in the summer and heating in the winter? Could it be that 90+ % of these unhappy folks have a job? Maybe it is the ability to walk into a grocery store at any time and see more food in moments than Darfur has  seen in the last year?

Maybe it is the ability to drive from the Pacific Ocean to the Atlantic Ocean without having to present identification papers as we move through each state? Or possibly the hundreds of clean and safe motels we would find along the way that can provide temporary shelter? I guess having thousands of restaurants with varying cuisine from around the world is just not good enough. Or could it be that when we wreck our car,  emergency workers show up and provide services to help all involved. Whether you are rich or poor, they treat your wounds and even, if necessary, send a helicopter to take you to the hospital.

Perhaps you are one of the 70 percent of Americans who own a home. You may be upset with knowing that in the unfortunate case of having a fire, a group of trained firefighters will appear in moments and use top-notch equipment to extinguish the flames, thus saving you, your family and your belongings.

Or if, while at home watching one of your many flat-screen TVs, a burglar or prowler intrudes, an officer equipped with a gun and a bullet-proof vest will come to defend you and your family against attack or loss. This all in the backdrop of a neighborhood free of bombs or militias raping and pillaging the residents – in neighborhoods where 90 percent of teenagers own cell phones and computers.

How about the complete religious, social and political freedoms we enjoy that are the envy of everyone in the world? Maybe that is what has 67% of you folks unhappy.

A 2011 Gallup poll found Americans were somewhat or very dissatisfied with overall quality of life (23%), opportunity to get ahead by working hard (45%) and moral and ethical climate (70%).

Ruut Veenhoven of Erasmus University in Rotterdam does research on the subjective appreciation of life and maintains the “World Database of Happiness”. He found the United States not even close to the top ten with a general level of happiness that places our country at 17th!

OK. Now that I added fodder to the general murky mood in the U.S.A., please allow me to offer my perspective. When I had little growing up I did appreciate the things I did have, even though I yearned for more. Anything new was most often received with joy even if it was new clothes under the Christmas tree and few toys. When I was a struggling 20-something I remember buying my first new couch on credit that took 18 months to pay for. I loved that couch and to this day have never appreciated a piece of furniture as I did that one. Living after a natural disaster in a foreign country without running water for six weeks and electric service for almost three months taught me gratitude for those two things I had always taken for granted.  In retrospect of my life I can see it was lack and struggle that made me appreciate things most.  It was rarely, if ever, abundance that brought any more than momentary gratitude.

As a middle-aged adult I “made it” and had the resources to have and do most anything reasonable I wanted to do. I worked for years under the guise that $$ would make me happy but instead my unhappiness grew to its maximum level that accentuated every fault and dysfunction I had.

My level of contentment and appreciation of life today is the highest ever. While it took a lot of work, changing what was going on inside of me brought that about. It is my opinion that is what is wrong in our country today: Looking outside our self for “other esteem” will NEVER bring about good self-esteem within. I am living proof of that. If success, money, sex, awards, accomplishment, things and external experiences could make someone happy I would have floated away in delirious bliss years ago. Instead, it took pain and heartache followed by lots of deeply emotion inner work to open me to the sources of happiness. There is nothing perfect about my life. Trouble, concern and worry are still around. But today those things sit mostly on the bench in my game of life while contentment, caring and love are the primary players with gratitude as the quarterback.

Riches, both material & spiritual, can choke you if you do not use them fairly. For not even God can put anything in a heart that is already full. One day there springs up the desire for money & for all that money can provide: the superfluous, luxury in eating, luxury in dressing, trifles. Needs increase because one thing calls for another. The result is uncontrollable dissatisfaction. Let us remain as empty as possible so that God can fill us up. Mother Teresa

Whatever is – is Best

/ James Browning / 2 Comments

Happiness permeates my being today as it has consistently lately. I am in love; swept into the rapture of  finding a soulful match with another.  Joy walks with me now, but I know I am not done with sorrow and pain.  The best life anyone ever had was a great deal of happiness with a lot of heartache mixed in.  For all human-time that is the best possible.  To acknowledge the breadth of life experience possible, from pure joy to absolute pain, is to fully come to cherish life in all its dimensions.

Paraphrasing Kahlil Gibran, joy is the mirror reflection of sorrow and sorrow is the necessary companion of joy.  The more of each one I come to know, the more of the other I am capable of knowing.  So when I lament the heartache that has come my way, I soothe myself with the knowing that the hurting is growing my capacity to know happiness deeper and to recognize joy even at its smallest.   I am living proof that the plow of pain opens the furrow for greater happiness to grow.  Hence, I can not hate my past grief and pain, nor can I dread what will yet come.  Simply, whatever is; is best.

“Whatever is – is Best” by Ella Wheller Wilcox

I know, as my life grows older,
And mine eyes have clearer sight,
That under each rank wrong somewhere
There lies the root of Right.

That each sorrow has its purpose,
By the sorrowing oft unguessed,
But as sure as the sun brings morning,
Whatever is – is best.

I know that each sinful action,
As sure as the night brings shade,
Is somewhere, sometime punished,
Tho’ the hour be long delayed.
I know that the soul is aided
Sometimes by the heart’s unrest,
And to grow means often to suffer,
But whatever is – is best.

I know there are no errors,
In the great eternal plan,
All things work together
For the final good of man.
And I know when my soul speeds onward,
In its grand eternal quest,
I shall say as I look back earthward,
Whatever is – is best.

“The Thing Is” by Ellen Bass

The thing is
To love life
To love it even when you have no
Stomach for it, when everything you’ve held
dear crumbles like burnt paper in your hands
and your throat is filled with the silt of it.
When grief sits with you so heavily
It is like heat, tropical, moist
Thickening the air so it’s heavy like water
More fit for gills than lungs.
When grief weights you like your own flesh
Only more of it, an obesity of grief.
How long can a body withstand this, you think,
And yet you hold life like a face between your palms,
A plain face, with no charming smile,
Of twinkle in her eye,
And you say, yes, I will take you
I will love you again.

If your pain is so intense you can barely pull yourself into a new day, know the pain will lessen in time.  If your sorrow is so deep you can’t imagine tomorrow coming, know the morrow and the one after and the one after that will come to find your sorrow lessened.  If your life is so dark you can’t imagine yourself anywhere but in shadow, know the light can not be stopped from returning and it will find you.

Life has taught me to live the most difficult one step at a time, one moment at a time.  Just get through it.  Do the best I can, no matter how feeble my best was that day.   And never stop no matter how much I want to, how miniscule my progress or even if I  back slide.  Just two words:  Keep going.

Thankful I am for what is behind me, for the good that is today and for the strength and wisdom I have been blessed with to help me embrace what is to come.

 I have found the paradox, that if you love until it hurts,
there can be no more hurt, only more love.
 Mother Teresa

Life in a Pinball Machine

/ James Browning / 3 Comments

When my life was a mangle of unfulfilled hopes there was far too much time spent imagining the future or pondering the past. Today is quite different. I find myself enjoying “now” the vast majority of the time. The reason is simple. I like “now” more than what is behind me and I am not obsessed with what will be. My image of the future is it will be good because my “present” is good. By choices made now what is ahead of me is honed and shaped. Being awake to what is happening moment to moment is new to me, but I feel confident to have entered the best phase of my life. My best years are ahead!

Was it fate or destiny to have had the life I’ve lived and then to arrive in “the now” as I have? Was the pain, difficulty and heartache encountered predetermined as my life path? That’s quite a question and I am only one of over a hundred billion people who have probably pondered it at least a little. (It’s estimated that 107,602,707,791 people have been born on earth. For details go here: http://www.prb.org/Articles/2002/HowManyPeopleHaveEverLivedonEarth.aspx ).

A definition of Fate/Destiny I found on-line: the universal principle by which the order of things is presumably prescribed; the decreed cause of events which are inevitably predetermined. It’s quixotic to believe life for each person is decided in advance by God or some deity. My beliefs include a higher power that is there to support me along my way. However, I believe to have been given the freedom to choose and though every choice, and I mean EVERY choice, my life is shaped. The quality of my life is affected by me more markedly than any other force. God is with me, but does not decide for me. It was my fate/destiny to be born and one day die. What’s in between is mostly up to me.

When I take a glance backwards, I see myself bouncing around like a ball inside a pinball machine. Each time a pinball hits a bumper where the next impact will be is decided. And again and again it is the same. The pinball does not decide where it goes. The bumper decides. In my life experience each unique choice or “bump” I made seemed to power me to the next bumper and the next. I thought life was being done to me like a pinball bouncing around. I did not see my choices were self-made bumpers.

Neale Donald Walsch wrote: Every decision you make—every decision—is not a decision about what to do. It’s a decision about ‘”Who You Are”. When you see this, when you understand it, everything changes. You begin to see life in a new way. All events, occurrences, and situations turn into opportunities to do what you came here to do.

My clouded past is described well by Marcel Pagnol who said The reason people find it so hard to be happy is that they always see the past better than it was, the present worse than it is, and the future less resolved than it will be. To that my one word response is: “EXACTLY”!

Certainly there are happenings, circumstances and people that influenced the path I walked to get to the present. Behind me it was easy to place fault on what happened as “a pinball might blame bumpers for where it goes”. However, I am not a mindless pinball. My life should not be filled with only ”bounces” to what is around me. To have allowed the conditions of my life to shape my life experience was a lazy and difficult way to live. I know better now!

Richard Carlson said it well when he wrote circumstances don’t make a person; they reveal him or her. It took a long time for me to “see” what life was trying to reveal to me. Free of that ignorance I now agree with a quote from Nehru: Life is like a game of cards. The hand you are dealt is determinism; the way you play it is free will. And the way I play my hand today is to take responsibility for myself, to live with forethought and morals,to love as I have never loved before, to make good choices and to take life one day at a time. I know the best days of my life are yet to be lived.

We create our fate every day we live.
Henry Miller

“I Love You”

/ James Browning / 2 Comments

While rare, there have been times in my life when I can not find the words to say what it is I want to say.  Today I type and the words come on the screen, but not in a way I am looking for.  I highlight the text, hit delete and try again… and again… and a third time.  But I still can’t find the words that go where I want to go.  So this morning, please pardon the use of borrowed words to fill this space.  Others wrote words akin to what I want to express and with thanks, I place them here. 

From timemagazine.com  “What is this thing called love? What? Is this thing called love? What is this thing called? Love”.  However punctuated, Cole Porter’s simple question begs an answer. Love’s symptoms are familiar enough: the mad conceit that the entire universe has rolled itself up into the person of the beloved, a conviction that no one on earth has ever felt so torrentially about a fellow-creature before. Poets and songwriters would be in a fine mess without it. Plus, it makes the world go round. 

Taken from http://www.love-sessions.com/whatislove.htm  What is love? It is one of the most difficult questions for the mankind. Centuries have passed by, relationships have bloomed and so has love. But no one can give the proper definition of love. To some Love is friendship set on fire.  Maybe love is like luck. You have to go all the way to find it. No matter how you define it or feel it, love is the eternal truth in the history of mankind.   

Love is patient, love is kind. It has no envy, nor it boasts itself and it is never proud. It rejoices over the evil and is the truth seeker. Love protects; preserves and hopes for the positive aspect of life. Always stand steadfast in love, not fall into it. It is like the dream of your matter of affection coming true.    Love between two individuals…. It bonds them and connects them in a unified link of trust, intimacy and interdependence. It enhances the relationship and comforts the soul. Love should be experienced and not just felt. The depth of love can not be measured. 

Be together, share your joy and sorrow, understand each other, provide space to each other, but always be there for each others need. And surely love will blossom to strengthen your relationship with your matter of affection. 

 From:  http://www.selfcreation.com/love/what_is_love.htm 

Basic Components of Love
What do you feel when you love someone? If distilled down to it’s core components, what would those be? Yes, love is an emotion, a feeling, a wanting, and a “being”. We know it feels good, but what specific feelings, wantings, and beings are present when we feel love? Here are the common denominators of love…
 
Love is Accepting.
Acceptance is labeling someone as “okay” and having no particular desire to change them. Who they are is perfectly fine with you. You pose no condition on whether you will love them or not. This is called unconditional love. When your love IS conditional, the moment they step outside your set of conditions, love wanes. Consequently, love is rarely a constant state but fluctuates based on our degree of acceptance.
 
Love is Appreciating.
Appreciation is one step beyond acceptance. It’s when your focus is on what you like about another. We look at them and feel this sweeping appreciation for who they are, their joy, their insights, their humor, their companionship, etc. When someone says they are “in love” with another, they mean their appreciation is so enormous for this person that it consumes their every thought.
 
Love is Wanting Another to Feel Good.
We want those we love to be happy, safe, healthy, and fulfilled. We want them to feel good in all ways, physically, mentally and emotionally.
 
Attention
Love expressed is when you give your attention, your time, your focus to someone. Webster defines attention as “the giving of one’s mind to something.”

There are many ways in which we give our attention to another. We use our five senses. Our ears to listen. Being completely present with the one who is speaking. Our eyes, watching another, undivided attention. Tasting/smelling? (I’ll let you figure that one out). Touching, giving a hug, holding a hand, a caress, or sexual expression.

The words above were brought here and placed in this space to dance around the three words in my heart today.  A simple trio of three words were spoken to me last night around 10pm on Friday, November 4, 2011 and without reservation or doubt I spoke “I love you” back to her.  No words are sufficient to express my elation and gratitude this morning for something I had all but given up hope for.  To know the depth of my joy you would have to go inside my heart where “the one” lives there now.  And so it shall be.  

I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where.  I love you straightforwardly, without complexities or pride; so I love you because I know no other way.
  Pablo Neruda