Once in a while in hindsight I marvel at succeeding at so much while lacking belief in myself.  For so long an inability to give credit for my abilities and what I was capable of achieving robbed me of feeling positive about anything accomplished.  Nothing was ever good enough.  Everything could have been better.  “That did not measure up” or “there I fell short” was the manner my “internal judge” barked incessantly at me. 

Not only did I find myself falling short in just about every way, that viewpoint was also used for those in my life.  Lovers and partners seemed always to be too imperfect, friends fell short, and even family did not measure up.  The problem had nothing to do with them and all to do with me and how I viewed the world.  If “rose-colored glasses” enhance what is seen and gives a view of reality better than what exists, then I wore “gray-colored glasses” that robbed life of color and depth making my perspective far worse than what was true and real.

Our culture is overly performance based.  The desire to do things perfectly, if not inbred, is certainly brainwashed into us. Easily I slipped from a difficult childhood into being an overachiever professionally.  For a couple of decades my work was who I was.   Without my professional life there was little to me.  Yet no matter what I achieved, nothing was ever good enough and my dissatisfaction with life continued, grew and accumulated.

Growing up feeling ‘not good enough’ created a powerful limiting mechanism in my life:  the “voice of an internal judge” that reigned supreme in my consciousness.  While others helped me create it, the voice of the bully inside was/is all mine.  I fed it daily.  The thoughts articulated silently, but so strongly were those of an internal critic that ran rampant for years while I barely noticed. The ego, even a damaged one such as mine, is very, very clever at disguising things and transposing meaning for preservation of its viewpoint.  In other words, my ego is a liar!

It does not matter the internal judge was often completely wrong. Somewhere along the way I became accustomed to believing EVERYTHING my internal critic said.  Eventually my life became so hollow questions began that always started with “why”.  In time, I became highly dissatisfied with being so unsatisfied all the time.   

Years of questioning eventually lead me to seek help with my issues rooted in a long ago childhood.  It was then that I discovered “him”, that booming voice of self-judgment and self-criticism that roared louder than any word ever spoken to me by anyone else.  I was shocked and surprised not only by the discovery, but alarmed by the power the judge had over me.  

Part of what I discovered was this voice was constantly resetting the bar for my performance at the best I had ever achieved or higher (usually the latter).  No matter how well something was done, the bar got moved up so I continued to be “never good enough”.  Even with extraordinary achievements the voice told me I had somehow failed, did not measure up and never would on a consistent basis.  The best I could ever see in me then was mediocrity.  Criticism from others, whether accurate or not, was inflated by my inner critic… ALWAYS.   From the vantage point of today that all seems so crazy!

When the voice was “king” of my days and I was worn down, it took me down further. The critic still can in moments I feel overwhelmed or vulnerable – until I expose it as the small thing with little actual power.  Like a mouse can cast a giant shadow when seen from a particular angle, my “judge” can cast a huge shadow that when seen from a proper angle shows itself to be something actually small only seeming big.  What a life changing discovery that was.  In coming to the reality that a lot of what I was thinking was utter BS, I began to get healthier mentally.  

What are the signs today that the “voice” is talking and I am listening?  Sadness, unhappiness, melancholy, anger, listlessness, lack of motivation, feeling unloved and related emotions that manifest for very long and don’t get better. When ever I find myself stuck in such a way, I know the critic is lecturing again but I am not tuned in to notice it.    Once I spot it for what it is, I almost always win the battle and the voice retreats “with its tail between its legs”.  Sometimes the battles are waged for hours or even days and I get beat up in the fight.  That’s no problem because fighting is how my freedom was won in the first place from the bullying “voice” that misguided my life for so long. 

My gratitude is large to know the “judge and critic” for what it is and to realize I will win a battle with it the vast majority of the time.  All I have to do is dispute the lies I tell myself.

We tell lies when we are afraid… afraid of what we don’t know, afraid of what others will think, afraid of what will be found out about us.  But every time we tell a lie, the thing that we fear grows stronger.  Tad Williams

Until four years ago I was completely ignorant it was moderate depression that hit me for a few days every four to six weeks.  My assumption was I was “normal” and everyone went through a short period several times a year when life was one big question.  When the darkened days arrived, uncertainties came that were many and answers few.  Colors appeared faded, nothing tasted good, all sound seemed like noise and touch became numbness.  In survival mode, I hid what I was feeling from everyone, or at least tried very hard to.  

Today I know it was “me” I was running from.  Once I came face to face with my self about five years ago and lived through the healing hell of self acceptance, the “monster” of depression lost much of its ability to abuse me.  It still comes, but less often and with far less intensity.  When depression pops up it no longer robs me of  my senses of color, taste, touch and sound.  With just knowing depression for what it is I am much stronger and far more alive. Awareness can do amazing things.   Coming to know and accepting the real “me”, forgiveness and self-administered kindness are highly effective curatives.

Now when dark clouds start gathering and the winds of dissatisfaction begin to blow, I fall back on what I have learned.  Simple sayings have become sign posts I hold on to so I am not blown off course.  Here are six good reasons that help me stay my course:   

Have patience with all things, but chiefly have patience with yourself. Do not lose courage in considering your own imperfections but instantly set about remedying them — every day begin the task anew.  Saint Francis de Sales

Pain insists upon being attended to. God whispers to us in our pleasures, speaks in our consciences, but shouts in our pains. It is his megaphone to rouse a deaf world.  C.S. Lewis

What you thought before has led to every choice you have made, and this adds up to you at this moment. If you want to change who you are physically, mentally, and spiritually, you will have to change what you think.  Dr. Patrick Gentempo

One of the most tragic things I know about human nature is that all of us tend to put off living. We are all dreaming of some magical rose garden over the horizon – instead of enjoying the roses blooming outside our windows today. Dale Carnegie

Character cannot be developed in ease and quiet. Only through experience of trial and suffering can the soul be strengthened, ambition inspired, and success achieved. Helen Keller

It is never too late to be what you might have been. George Eliott

Trying at this moment to make a complete gratitude list for the help I found in overcoming the effects of depression, my attempt will be very incomplete.  However, top of mind that I am grateful for is my therapist who lit the way, the tools I learned at The Meadows, the support of other sufferers and the love and caring I received from a few dear to me.  Now I know around one in three people suffer at least sometimes as I used to.  In that knowledge comes great comfort for me that I have always been far from alone.  I am very grateful.      

Whenever someone sorrows, I do not say, “Forget it,” or “it will pass,” or “it could be worse” — all of which deny the integrity of the painful experience. But I do say ”delve into the depth. Stay with the feeling”. Think of it as a precious source of knowledge and guidance. Then and only then will you be ready to face it and be transformed in the process.  Peter Koestenbaum