Knowledge

Road to Self-Acceptance

/ James Browning / 1 Comment

A perspective of youth:    The more things change, the more they stay the same. I’m not sure who the first person was who said that. Probably Shakespeare. Or maybe Sting. But at the moment, it’s the sentence that best explains my tragic flaw: my inability to change.

I don’t think I’m alone in this. The more I get to know other people, the more I realize it’s everyone’s flaw. Staying exactly the same as long as possible, standing perfectly still… It feels better somehow. And if you are suffering, at least the pain is familiar. Because if you took the leap of faith, went outside the box, did something unexpected… Who knows what other pain might be waiting out there. Chances are it could be even worse. So you maintain the status quo. Choose the road already traveled and it doesn’t seem that bad. Not as far as flaws go. You’re not killing anyone… except maybe yourself a little.

When we finally do change, I don’t think it happens like an earthquake or an explosion, where all of a sudden we’re like this different person. I think it’s smaller than that. The kind of thing most people wouldn’t even notice unless they look at us really, really close. Which, thank God, they never do. But you notice it. Inside you that change feels like a world of difference. And you hope this is it. This is the person you get to be forever… that you’ll never have to change again.  (Insightfully written by Everwood)

Taking in again the meaning of the thoughts above while retyping them I find myself feeling OK with, and even thankful for my quandaries about my own personal change.   Frequently I have brutalized my self for an inability to be what it was I thought I should be.  Not infrequently such musings have focused on things that hardly mattered a month later. 

There is much I can complain about concerning getting older.  Yet the passing of years have allowed me to become wiser and to find less to be unhappy about.  As there is less discontentment the easier change seems to come.  There is something about loosening my grip on everything the way it is, the more life becomes the way I want it to be.  Yes, I have unfulfilled plans, goals, hopes and dreams, but they are not the heavy obsessions I once labored under.  Now such desires are more like coins tossed in a wishing fountain with faith such things can happen.  Figuratively, as I toss them into the water I let the wishes go keeping a hope the wish might come back to me manifested one day.  Often a wish is about a change I want to make within or about my self.   I know all my wishes won’t come true, but many of them can if my desire is sincere, my need is consistent and I am willing to bear the discomfort of change. 

On one hand maintaining the status quo can become very easy as I have made it to middle age.  Change can become my enemy if I allow it to.  Or change can be my great friend.  By a person’s 40’s and 50’s either he or she is either completely stuck and will slowly fade into oblivion with age just as they are.  Or else, he or she realizes time is precious and earnest change becomes much more possible, even mandatory.  Either a person just evaporates slowly or realization hits one upside the head with thoughts like:  “you don’t have forever… get moving if you want to accomplish what you promised yourself to do… you can change if you truly want to… gain takes pain so don’t fear it… you can do it…” and so on.

The last five years have been the hardest and most painful of my life.  At the same time the last half decade has also been my most insightful and wisdom producing period.  The thinking for most of my days has been an uncertainty if I was happy, but felt at least I was not unhappy.  Those thoughts have changed in recent times to where frequently I say with a smile “I’m happy”.  Some of that knowing comes from real personal change and coming to grips with old tragedy and heartache.  However the majority does not come from change, but rather from acceptance of my self and living better the live that I have.

Plainly, I have discovered the major culprit causing dissatisfaction and discomfort in my life:  ME!  That epiphany did not suddenly cure, fix or change anything specific except my attitude and view of things.  And with that simple adjustment, my life now has wonder and possibility I did not see before.  I’m a very grateful man for that slow to come and difficult, but simple insight. 

It doesn’t matter what we do until we accept ourselves. Once we accept ourselves, it doesn’t matter what we do.  Charly Heavenrich

100 Last Words

/ James Browning / 5 Comments

Yesterday in conversation with a friend about writing this blog, I was asked how long I had been doing it.  My response was “one hundred and twenty two days… a third of a year”.  The person then questioned “you’ve done it every single day?” to which my response was “yes” spoken with a sense of accomplishment. 

I appreciated my friend’s interest and our discussion ended with a sort of challenge.  Having only seen a few of the daily postings, she asked how long most were and I said usually around 750-1000 words.  Then her challenge came:  What would you leave behind if you had only 100 words and you knew it would be the last you’d write for your son to find.  In general my comment was I’d try to leave great advice for living, but had no specifics except “live well, love deeply and be grateful”.    

Throughout yesterday, on and off, I thought about my friend’s question.  Notes were made and I searched for inspiration, sayings and things of the sort.  The list got longer and longer and longer with the difficult part coming last night when I edited down to the essence of what I would want to leave behind for my son.  Here is what I ended up with:

You come to love not by finding the perfect person, but by seeing an imperfect person perfectly. (17 words)

Gratitude is riches. Complaint is poverty.  (6 words)

There are two ways to live your life – one is as though nothing is a miracle, the other is as though everything is a miracle.  (25 words) 

Laugh your heart out.
Dance in the rain.
Cherish the moment.
Ignore the pain.
Live, laugh, love,
Forgive and forget
Life’s too short to be
Living with regrets.
(28 words) 

The richest man is not he who has the most, but he who needs the least. (16 words) 

I love you. I am proud of you. (8 words) 

Total words = 100

(In order, thoughts above are by Sam Keen, Doris Day, Albert Einstein, Unknown, Unknown, me) 

Yesterday in our little talk that originated the 100 word challenge, my friend was interested to know why I began goodmorninggratitude.com and where the inspiration came from.  My answer was I had no specific idea, but know the motivation came in large part from beyond my ability to explain.  Call it divine inspiration or what ever, but one day I woke up on a Saturday morning and knew for certain I had to do it.  Having never done a blog before, I did the homework to learn how, signed up at wordpress.com and on Monday morning, April 25, I began.   Now four months later… here I am.

Today writing blog #122 I am struck with a feeling of intense gratitude to all who find meaning in what I write here.  Hundreds now coming by daily to check out my ramblings is a humbling motivator to continue to share my thoughts every day.   I am appreciative of every reader whether this is your only visit or you frequently stop by.  Thank you for your support!

Gratitude is the fairest blossom which springs from the soul.
Henry Ward Beecher

Discovering My “Undiscovered Self”

/ James Browning / 1 Comment

In the “Undiscovered Self” Carl Jung wrote that man often remains…”an enigma to himself.  Most people confuse “self-knowledge” with knowledge of their self-conscious ego personalities.  But the ego knows only its own contents… What is commonly called “self knowledge” is therefore a very limited knowledge…”   Jung went on to say self-knowledge is possible “only when the individual is willing to fulfill the demands of rigorous self-examination”. 

I have several years now of serious introspection and rigorous self-examination. The resolute searching within began earnestly with the epiphany I could be the “me” I wished to be only by knowing better the “I” which already existed.  Having dedicated myself to shining a little light into my own darkness to discover self truth, I have learned first hand how difficult and daunting a task of self-discovery is.  My ego has fought me every step of the way and has done its best to blind me whenever it could.  This journey has been irregularily enlightening, difficult most of the time, unnerving during every step and worth every effort! 

In embracing the past my emotions and feelings released have shaken me to my core.  What I have done and what was done to me, what I have said and what was spoken to me and the pain I dealt to others and the pain received all colluded at times to “knock the breath out of me mentally and emotionally”.  But this process of allowing myself to be “broken open” has benefited me greatly.  I am grateful for the outcome, enough so, to continue to face the “demons” and “desert walks” the process requires.  Yet, the fear that is a prelude to each step to understanding is still daunting.  It is the knowledge of the reward only that is the impetus that keeps me on this path. 

I am thankful for those whose teachings I have benefited from in my growth and development.  One specific example is Elisabeth Kubler-Ross M.D., a psychiatrist who wrote the landmark book “On Death and Dying” in 1969.  While her book was originally written about terminal illness, it has accurately been applied to many forms of catastrophic personal loss such as job, freedom, divorce, death of a loved one, addiction, disease, tragedy and disaster.  My 2nd divorce was a deep personal catastrophe.  The fact I did not want it was made worse by knowing I was the majority cause of the demise of the marriage.  For me the ending was a “death” I mourned more so than any physical death I recall.

Kübler-Ross‘s work says recovering from catastrophic personal loss requires at least two of these five steps below and most will go through all five but not necessarily in order.  This process is popularly known by the acronym DABDA.

1.  Denial — “I feel fine.”; “This can’t be happening, not to me.”  Denial is usually only a temporary defense.  

2.  Anger — “Why me? It’s not fair!”; “How can this happen to me?”; ‘”Who is to blame?”  Once in the second stage, a person recognizes that denial cannot continue.  Because of anger, the person is usually very difficult to care for. 

3.  Bargaining — “I’ll do anything for a few more years.”  The third stage involves the hope that the person can somehow postpone or delay what has happened. Usually, the negotiation is made with a higher power in exchange for a reformed lifestyle.

4.  Depression — “I’m so sad, why bother with anything?”; “What’s the point?”  During the fourth stage, a person begins to understand the certainty of what has happened. It is an important time for grieving that must be processed.

5.  Acceptance — “It’s going to be okay.”; “I can’t fight it, I may as well accept it.”  In this last stage, the individual begins to come to terms with what has happened.

Personally in working past my 2nd divorce I experienced all five steps in order.  Once in a while the first four steps are still a big help in bringing me to step five (Acceptance) when I momentarily regress into denial, anger, bargaining or depression about the end of the marriage.

There has been nothing more sobering than all my self-discovery to date.  Exploring my “self” on deeper and deeper levels has been very healing and enriching for me.  Though my development can be described as a repetitive process of three steps forward and two steps backward, over time my slow growth has been steady.  Today I am more true to my self than before.  My morals, standards, needs and desires parallel themselves the closest ever in belief and deed. I am more free of what others think than I ever was previously.   While there is not always peace within, there is no longer a war going on inside.  My cup of gratitude runs over every time that realization comes to me. 

Your vision will become clear only when you look into your heart.  Who looks outside, dreams.  Who looks inside, awakens.  Carl Gustav Jung

Wisdom: Hidden, But Not Concealed

/ James Browning / 1 Comment

Most people spend their entire life imprisoned within the confines of their own thoughts.  They never go beyond a narrow, mind-made, personalized sense of self that is conditioned by the past.  In you, as in each human being, there is a dimension of consciousness far deeper than thought.  It is the very essence of who you are.  

How easy it is for people to become trapped in their conceptual prisons. The human mind, in its desire to know, understand, and control, mistakes its opinions and viewpoints for the truth.  It says:  this is how it is.  You have to be larger than thought to realize that however you interpret “your life” or someone else’s life or behavior, however you judge the situation, it is not more than a viewpoint, one of many possible perspectives.  It is not more than a bundle of thoughts.   

Wisdom is NOT a product of thought.  The deep knowing that is wisdom arises through the simple act of giving someone or something your full attention.  Attention is primordial intelligence, consciousness itself.
From “Stillness Speaks” by Elkhart Tolle

If it were possible to intellectually repair one’s self, I’d have “fixed” myself ten times over.
I searched.
I read dozens and dozens of religious, self-help and spiritual books.
I attended retreats and spent time at a Benedictine monastery.
I began to attend church again.
I looked deeply into Buddhism, attended classes and became a practicing Buddhist.
I explored the Bible and bought a concordance to help my study.
I scrutinized codices of the Nag Hammadi and the Dead  Sea  Scrolls.
I learned about Gnosticism and ancient Gnostic teachings.
I investigated the teachings of Confucius.
I became a serious amateur student of psychology.
I poured over texts of spiritual practices from Sufism to Rosicrucian Principles.
I studied ancient philosophies of Plato, Socrates, Aristotle, Epictetus, Pythagoras and Marcus Aurelius.
I probed the contemporary philosophies of Emerson, Thoreau, Huxley, Gandhi and Einstein.
I looked into the writings of Ram Das, Deepak Chopra, Rumi, Thich Nhat Hanh, Osho and Huston Smith.
I……..

While becoming more educated I consistently became more weighted down as I fed my intellect.  In choosing an outward quest in search of answers to my questions about living and its meaning, I neglected the ability to let them find me.  

What I searched for, to borrow the words of Socrates, was “hidden, but not concealed; evident, but not visible”.  The two best outcomes of my decade and a half of probing and investigating were:  1) I got into therapy and recovery and 2) I began a meditation practice.  I found no specific answers through those avenues I can identify, but I did find a lot of myself.  

In my opinion a good therapist does not heal a person, they help a person learn how to heal them self.  In the process one can learn how to “crack them self open” and heal from the inside out.   

My meditation practice is not about stopping my mind from stirring constantly with its whirlwind of thought.  Rather it is about letting the wind of thinking blow strong through me while paying as little attention as possible to it.  It is then I have room to focus narrowly and allow natural and innate wisdom to come to me.  Some days I gain a lot of insight, on others hardly any at all.  The answers are in the trying.  It is my consistent effort that heals. 

Make no mistake; “book” knowledge gained in my search has helped.  However, it was the acceptance that some things can not be intellectually known when I truly got better.  To get at the true essence of who I am all I have to do is keep faith in my self and a power beyond me I can’t explain and don’t now feel the need to.   There is gratitude within for every step on my path but most of all I am glad to be alive today!

 The beginning of knowledge is the discovery of something we do not understand.  Frank Herbert

Learning to be Still: Solitude or Loneliness?

/ James Browning / 3 Comments

Six years ago after surviving a category 5 hurricane on Grand Cayman where I was living at the time and months later recovering from injuries received in a nasty car accident here at home, I found myself in a far different place.  Well, I thought so anyway.  In my mind I was relatively sure then of my arrival at a higher and distinct level of awareness.  And I had arrived, but to a much lesser degree than I thought at the time.  What really had happened was a change had begun in earnest, but had only just started.  Being embroiled still in old behaviors my life then was a contradiction of the new I was gaining understanding of versus the old dysfunctions that were deeply engrained and still practiced. 

Those were the days when I set out on one of the most frustrating projects I ever attempted.  Once settled after moving back stateside and with a left arm that worked again after the accident, I began the attempt to write a book called “Learning to be Still”.  At the time I thought truly my experiences had taught me how.  However, the turmoil internally created conflict that made my belief only an illusion.  In trying to write about being still, I came to know that I really had no idea how. 

While I am still not fully prepared to honestly write a book about “being still”, living alone for over four years now has taught me much about loneliness and solitude.  Those lessons I know now are big steps in “learning to be still”. 

Loneliness for me is a negative state and causes me to feel a sense of isolation. When directed by that feeling, I feel like something is missing. I discovered I could be with people and still feel lonely for someone else—for me perhaps the most bitter form of loneliness I have ever experienced.  Feeling lonely can not be sated easily or quickly and trying to do so only brings more difficulty for me. 

In time I discovered solitude which I now think of as a state of being alone without being lonely. When I am able to be content in solitude I find it to be a positive and constructive state of being in touch with myself.  Only in recent times have I comprehended that solitude is a state of being alone when I can provide myself with good and sufficient company.  Being alone no longer is the unsettling experience it previously was… at least most of the time. 

Loneliness always feels harsh.  For me being lonely is a state of deficiency, a state of discontent marked by a sense of estrangement and an awareness of excess aloneness.  My belief is loneliness is a feeling of depression resulting from my thoughts and feelings about being by myself.  More than anything it is my state of mind concerning being alone that turns alone-ness in to loneliness. 

On the other hand, solitude is a time I use for reflection, inner searching, meditation, growth and self-enjoyment. I do my best reading and comprehension in solitude.  Thinking and creativity are usually sharper too.  Solitude brings me peacefulness stemming from a feeling of inner richness. When it is upon me I can enjoy the quiet and whatever it brings as satisfying and from it I can draw sustenance. Solitude did not come easily to me nor does it always come when I want it to.  It is something I continue to cultivate out of the ground of loneliness.

Solitude is something I choose. Loneliness is imposed on me by my thoughts of lack.  Solitude is when “I” am enough.  Loneliness is when “I” am not.

Solitude restores my body and mind. Loneliness depletes me. Solitude refreshes and renews me.  Loneliness exhausts me. 

In researching the subject of loneliness and solitude it is evident to me we humans are social animals. We need to spend time together to be happy and functional, and we extract a vast array of benefits from maintaining intimate relationships and associating with groups.

But I also found an emerging body of research suggesting spending time alone can be good for us — that certain tasks and thought processes are best carried out without anyone else around.  The data I have found indicates even the most socially motivated among us should regularly be taking time to ourselves if we want to have fully developed personalities, and be capable of focus and creative thinking.

Frequently as has happened before to me, I have learned a hard, but good lesson from the school of life.  It took me growing past a feeling of mostly “knowing it all” to allow the teaching to take place.  And at times that growth can come only when life has clubbed me to the point I have no choice but to give in and open up.  Growing into a sense of awe, adventure and openness to learn about life has benefited me beyond what I can logically explain.  I know I did not do it alone.  To those people who care about me who have aided my progress and growth, thank you.  To the powers beyond me that have guided my path, I am very grateful. 

True silence is the rest of the mind, and is to the spirit what sleep is to the body, nourishment and refreshment.  William Penn

Learned Optimism vs. the Habit of Pessimism

/ James Browning

About five years ago in a used book store I stumbled across a copy of “What You Can Change and What You Can’t” by Martin Seligman, Ph.D.  As an amateur student of psychology and being my own personal “lab rat” to experiment on, I found this book interesting and enlightening.  

At the book’s basic crux Seligman covers a spectrum of human conditions and how each may or may not be changed.  At one end of the range he notes sexual preference which can’t be changed.  At the other end of the scale Seligman places phobias which with about 90% effectiveness can be overcome.  In the middle are conditions that can be moderated with treatment, but not changed.  Reading this book gave me a good framework of Seligman’s research and theories that helped as I moved deeper into his work.  

Martin Seligman is well known in clinical circles and considered to be one of the more innovative psychology researchers today.  Sometimes controversial, often groundbreaking, he studies positive psychology, learned helplessness, depression, optimism and pessimism. The second book by Seligman I discovered is titled “Learned Optimism: How To Change Your Mind And Your Life” and this one rocked my world!  

The key premise of “Learned Optimism” turns traditional “positive thinking” beliefs on their head by clearly illustrating that “Non-negative thinking” (not “positive thinking”) is the key to success in all parts of life. Seligman wrote: “The optimistic individual makes the most of his talent.”  The optimistic individual perseveres.”  A pessimistic person often comes to believe their actions are futile and thereby learn to become helpless with depression not far behind.    

So, what separates optimistic people from more pessimistic people? Seligman says it’s the way we explain events and outcomes to ourselves. If something good happens to us, how do we explain it? Was it luck? Or was it the result of our talent? 

If something bad happens to us, how do we explain that? Is it that conditions just weren’t right? Or did the bad event happen because we’re somehow horribly flawed as individuals? Will this flaw eternally damn us in all other endeavors? 

Seligman says optimists and pessimists attribute the reasons for success and failure differently. Pessimists usually think failure and bad events are permanent, personal, and pervasive factors. Optimists tend to credit bad events to non-personal, non-permanent, and non-pervasive factors.   

Thinking adverse parts of life are permanent and unchangeable brings pessimism.  Believing negative elements of life will go away or can be overcome is a key to being an optimist.  Seligman writes: “Finding temporary and specific causes for misfortune is the art of hope. … Finding permanent and universal causes for misfortune is the practice of despair.” 

“Learned Optimism” includes a quiz to determine one’s own levels of optimism and pessimism.  You can take it on line for free:  http://www.stanford.edu/class/msande271/onlinetools/LearnedOpt.html 

Being pessimistic at times does have its place.  Without it I can lose touch with reality.  Pessimism is useful because it forces me to confront situations and change direction when necessary.  Being relentlessly optimistic could cause me to be somewhat blinded to reality.  It is pessimism that brings me down to stark reality when I need it.  But in majority I live with an optimistic mindset permeating my life.  

How I think is as much habit as anything else.  When I was more accustomed to seeing things negatively and believed I could only expect more of the same that is exactly what I found.  When I expected bad stuff and expected it the sky seemed to rain crap on me all the time.  Training my self to be more objective and allowing negative thoughts to be balanced with optimistic thinking has had a tremendous impact on my well being. 

Don’t worry I am not delusional and live in some false state of bliss.  I just don’t dwell on the bad stuff.  Simply fighting off the quick-sand of negative thought with weapons like “I am not going to think anymore about it” or “stop it, you’ve done enough of that” consistently over time has pointed my life in a different direction.  Through this learning experience I have become much more grateful.  Thankfulness is fertile ground for optimism, hope and faith.  I know of no greater sweeteners for living my life. 

Seligman’s book “Authentic Happiness” helped me further hone my ability to live with optimism and gratitude.  And I have just begun reading his new book “Flourish”.  Thank you Dr. Seligman for all the goodness you and your work have brought to my life! 

A composer can have all the talent of Mozart and a passionate desire to succeed, but if he believes he cannot compose music, he will come to nothing. He will not try hard enough. He will give up too soon when the elusive right melody takes too long to materialize.  Martin Seligman

Like Wind Through a Tree

/ James Browning / 2 Comments

When the visitor used to come to call my life had much less color and texture.  The variance of hues and shades meant almost nothing.  To look into another’s face and make direct eye contact I rarely did during those times for fear each person would figure out what was going on and think less of me.      

My ability to look ahead to what tomorrow, next week or next year might contain was usually shrouded with a dark and dense mist when the guest was around.  My only clarity of perception seemed to be when I looked over my shoulder at the past.  In those looks backward I usually found the thunder and lightning of old “storms” to relive and endure.   

When the caller was nearby to eat became an obligation.  At best, the texture and flavor of food was bland and uninteresting.  I had little appetite except when I compulsively ate every thing in sight, but tasted little of it.  

The visitor lead me often to wish I worked somewhere else, was in a different profession or did not have to work at all. Focusing on anything in order to do a job well was difficult because of all the distractions within my mental whirlwind.  Thoughts bounced like a ball in a pinball machine with flashes and noise containing at best only momentary substance.  

While the traveler was with me thoughts of getting lost in the world traveling vagabond style or joining the Peace Corps were always strong.  I felt compelled then to run away and disappear, to be anywhere but “here”.  I twisted those true lifetime hopes and dreams of free travel or service into escape routes from my life. 

The visitor and I most often holed up in my home, daydreaming with the TV on, escaping into movies while rarely speaking or seeing any one else unless I had to.  When my “guest” came to call I felt a general gloominess about life seasoned heavily with sadness for the past and despair about future prospects. 

My visitor’s name is spelled with 10 letters and starts with a “D”.  It is called Depression.  Until a few years ago I all knew was for a few days each month I went through a time when nothing mattered much and I folded into myself.  At those times my self view was distorted and quite displeasing.  Flaws, imperfections and old mistakes came to call as I tried to find a way to undo them or find a fix.  Of course I never did and trying to do so was like pouring gasoline on a fire.  

Life is different today.  My diagnosis is “moderate cycling depression”.  Luckily I don’t have to deal with the deep, dark pits of despair many have to cope with (I am very grateful!).  Through lots of work on my own researching, meditating and studying I have come to understand my condition.  There has been some professional assistance.  While thankful for their help, they served mainly to throw some little light on my path so I would take another step… then another.  The work to overcome and manage my depression was something only I could do. 

Today, I can feel my old friend “D” before it is actually near.  As depression begins to show on my horizon, life starts to lose a bit of its zing and my mind starts to spin with old “what happened’s” and future “what if’s”.  Coping is mostly about understanding.  I know the moderate depression will live with me for several days and no longer try to fight it when it comes.  Rather, I do my best to let it pass through me like wind that shakes a tree’s limbs as it goes by but does no real damage.  I read once if wind did not regularly move a tree the roots would be so weak even a one time gentle breeze would knock the tree over.  Today I use the “wind” of my depression to make me stronger in much the same way.  

Anymore the cycling depression does not bother me a lot.  When that “wind” comes I know I won’t get much done at work or at home, will sleep a bit more, keep to myself  and have more than usual couch TV time.  I accept that and it’s OK.  Giving up my resistance to it and just letting the depression pass through me has made the condition at worst a largely minor irritant.  I don’t fear it, hate it, fight it or feel less than because of it anymore. 

One might think only a fool would be grateful for depression, and I can’t say I am one of them.  However I am thankful for the lessons it is teaching me.  By accepting my condition and being willing to bear it makes my roots stronger.  Paying attention to where my mind goes when depressed frequently points to areas I either need to work on or make peace with. 

Acceptance of the way things are and finding ways to learn from difficulty is proving to be one of the greatest learning experiences of my life.  It is impossible to completely master such teachings, but in my attempts and the resulting wisdom I am blessed.  When I am grateful for what “is”, my hopes are strengthened and my blessings are multiplied.   

Attitude is Everything by Portia Nelson
Chapter 1
I walk down the street.
there is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I fall in.
I am lost…I am helpless.
It isn’t my fault.
It takes forever to find a way out.
Chapter 2
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I pretend I don’t see it.
I fall in again.
I can’t believe I am in the same place.
Bit it isn’t my fault.
It still takes a long time to get out.
Chapter 3
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I see it is there.
I still fall in….it’s a habit.
My eyes are open.
I know where I am
It is my fault.
I get out immediately.
Chapter 4
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I walk around it.
Chapter 5
I walk down another street

Some Best Friends Are Dogs

/ James Browning / 3 Comments

Cody was the smartest dog I have ever lived in the same home with.  He was a golden retriever obtained for my son when he was five, but in truth it was me the dog responded to most.  While picking a puppy out of the litter when they were just 3 weeks old as I knelt down he was the one who came bounding over to me as if to say “what’s up?”  He was being named after Buffalo Bill Cody who is buried along side Interstate 70 as you head up into the Colorado  Mountains from Denver.

Cody was very smart and could do so many tricks I can not remember them all.  With good accuracy he could dig out of his toys which ever one you told him to go get.  While he was sitting a Milkbone could be placed on his nose and he would not eat it until you told him he could (or when you looked away).  He knew as long as there was eye contact he was to wait to have the treat.  On a dare from a friend I taught Cody to fall over playing dead like the orangutan did in an old Clint Eastwood movie called “Any Which Way But Loose”.  All I had to do was tell him to sit, point my fist and index finder at him like a gun, say “bang” and over he’d fall.  That was his most impressive trick.  Like people Cody also had his unique imperfections.  For example he was a rare golden retriever who was a terrible swimmer did not like the water. 

Cody was my son’s second dog.  His first dog was also a golden retriever, a female who had health problems that took her life before she was fully grown (damn puppy mills!). 

The dog I lived the longest with was an Australian Silky Terrier named “Reddy”.  She came to live with me in 1975 when she weighted two pounds and could stand on the palm of my hand.  She lived almost 15 years!  Reddy’s name came from the breeder’s three year old son whose deductive reasoning told him if the puppy with a pink collar was named “Pinky” then the one with the red collar was “Reddy”.  That was so unique I did not want to change it.  Reddy was very smart, but also a picky, prissy and moody bitch!  To her the outdoors was just the bathroom and she had no interest in being there for any other reason.   Reddy was well traveled and flew on airplanes under the seat well over a dozen times.  Reddy disliked children (one hurt her accidentally when she was a couple of years old) and she hid under the couch or bed when kids were around.  She tolerated my son and would play with him at times and at others would ignore him which is why he was given the golden’s.  

I think further back and there was Duchess, the mixed German Sheppard and Norwegian Elkhound who was always with me.  She even got to go to work with me every day which worked fine until I moved to a city where she could not.  That drove her crazy and she tore up my apartment to offset her loneliness and sense of abandonment (or was it to show how upset at me she was1).  Duchess was a little over a year old when I donated her to a 16 year old blind girl who went to leader dog school with the dog.  I got photos of the two of them when they graduated and for a couple of Christmas’s afterwards before we lost touch.  I cried when the girl and her family drove away with my dog, but was very proud of what Duchess went on to achieve.  I know she had a good life and was deeply loved by her blind master.  All Duchess ever wanted was to be close to one she cared about.  I am glad she got that. 

The first dog I remember living with us was when I was around 4 or 5 years old.  Her name was Suzie and she was a stray puppy that had taken up at a house my family moved into.  She was an outside dog and we fed her back to health.  About the time she was getting really comfortable with us she came down with rabies and had to be shot by a policeman (I remember hearing the gunshot…talk about a traumatic time for a kid!). 

There were always dogs around.  Lulu was a mixed German Sheppard who guarded my stepfather’s store.  I realize now she spent most of her entire life inside a fence and I feel a bad about that.  There was the first “Duchess”, a Belgian Sheppard that as an adult came to live with us.  She got hit by a car and killed.  “Easy” was my stepbrother’s Doberman Pincher who was our roommate for a few years.  He was a cool dog who was very affectionate and protective, but did not like strangers.  Easy made me uncomfortable how he was toward others more than once.  I know he meant well though.

There were even the two dogs that came into my life as puppies when I was around 10.  One was my brothers and the other was mine.  Sadly before they were fully grown they took up the fatal habit of killing repeatedly digging out of their pen and killing chickens just for fun.  Once a dog has a taste for that activity, they can not be broken of the habit.  My stepfather took them into the woods and killed both dogs which is what was done back then in farm country with “chicken killers”.  Today that seems grotesque. 

Most recently there was a beautifulLabradorretriever than lived came to live with my ex-wife and me.  Indigo was so black she appeared to have a deep navy blue tinge to her coat which is why her name fit so well.  Most of all “Indy” is a happy dog who got spoiled rotten by her adopting mama and papa.  In the divorce my ‘ex’ got “full custody” of the dog and I have not seen Indigo now in a long while.  She’s turned five a few months ago.  I miss her specifically and in general miss having a dog.  I hope to have another dog before too long in the time ahead. 

This morning I am thankful for all the four legged friends I have shared my life with.  They were all good friends who where there willingly in good and bad times.  I am very grateful for the caring friendship I shared with each of them.  

When I grow up I want to be the person my dog thinks I am.  Anonymous

Facing Codependence and Finding Happiness

/ James Browning / 2 Comments

Though adult life my relationships have often been troubled.  That difficulty has been most easily notable in romantic relationships.  For years I simply thought I was unique, had special needs and was just frequently misunderstood.  What I discovered in the last 5+ years is there was definitely something not right and the vast majority of it had to do with me and not other people.     

Through the failure of my 2nd marriage to a woman I deeply loved I finally arrived at a point where I knew I could not go on as I had been.  While there was responsibility for both of us in the breakdown of the marriage, my behavior was by far the greatest cause.  I became a classic example of:  “When the pain to stay the same exceeds the pain to change, we change”.   I changed because I could see no other way.

My discovery has been that the root of my issues is called Codependency that stems from neglect, emotional abuse and trauma from my childhood. Codependency is a tendency to behave in overly passive or excessively controlling ways that negatively impact relationships and quality of life.  Co-dependence is said to be the most common of all addictions: the addiction to looking elsewhere. It is based in a belief that something outside of self can give us happiness and fulfillment. The ‘elsewhere’ may be people, places, things, behaviors or experiences and usually we neglect our own self for it. 

Codependency is at its core, a dysfunctional relationship with self. With out learning different, people such as me do not know how to love the self in healthy ways because our parents did not know how to love themselves. We were raised in shame-based families that taught us that there is something wrong with being human. The messages we got often included that there is something wrong:  with making mistakes; with not being perfect; with being sexual; with being emotional; with being too fat or too thin or too tall or too short or too whatever. As children we were taught to determine our worth in comparison with others. If we were smarter than, prettier than, better grades than, faster than, etc. – then we were validated and got the message that we had worth. 

Through work with a caring and high capable psychologist, work at a wonderful facility called “The Meadows”, the help and love of an ex-wife, the support of “peers” and most of all dedication and determination on my part, today I understand the foundation of my relationship issues.  Gladly I can say for I have learned to live life beyond them most of the time.  I am happy, TRULY HAPPY, for the first time in my life.  Life is far from perfect and a great distance from what I once imagined it might be.  Nor does living contain  now contain all that I hope it will, but today I remain open to the possibilities instead of being obsessed about what might happen.  My demons have been faced and discovered they mostly have only the power over me that I give them.  I am very grateful for all who helped me get to where I am now.

A notable portion of my discovery/recovery has been coming to realize that what I remember about my past is a mostly a delusion and what I feel about the future is largely a delusion.  What I recall is just my version of history which is as inaccurate as it is accurate.  How the future turns out will be as it unfolds and not exactly how I try to make it develop.  That viewpoint has allowed me to live a much more contented life which I enjoy more so than I ever have. 

Several years ago I wanted to attend a self help group called “Codependents Anonymous” or “CoDA” but there was no local chapter.  There is much gratitude within for my counselor who urged me to organize a local group.  For the first six months almost no one came to the Wednesday night meetings and I sat in the meeting room alone reading for an hour.  But over time “peers”, people much like me, began to come.  One meeting grew into two and then into three and four meetings each week.  Those attending expanded from none into hundreds over time with about 60 regulars attending at any given point.  My continued growth today is based almost solely within these meetings and my others self directed efforts.  My counselor told me 2 years ago I don’t need to come back (although I still go check in with her every 6 months to a year). 

I know today the best of my life is still ahead and the CoDA meetings are in no small part responsible.  I am so very grateful to all who have attended in the past and most especially for those who continue to show up each week.  THANK YOU! 

Things do not change; we change.  Henry David Thoreau

 If you are interested in knowing more: 

Self-quiz to find out if you are Codependent:     http://spiritofhopecc.com/CodependentTest.en.html

 Codependence Patterns & Characteristics:  http://www.coda.org/tools4recovery/patterns-new.htm 

Local Tulsa CoDA website:  http://coda-tulsa.org/

National CoDA website:  http://www.coda.org/ 

youtube.com Pia Mellody video “What is Codependence”

Part 1:  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nrLaaar02e4

Part 2: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VQyqkwWrBAs&feature=related

101 Things I’m Grateful for

/ James Browning / 1 Comment

This morning I begin the 87th edition of Good Morning Gratitude and am thankful for the motivation to have begun this blog.  It is somewhat difficult to grasp that I have been able to write here every day for almost three months.  I do know doing so has profoundly changed my life.  

I woke in a bit of a funk today not the least of which is still feeling the effects of oral surgery on Monday.  One of the discoveries I have made is I can change my mood always for the better by concentrating on what I have gratitude for.  Without stopping I am going to quickly type a list of 101 things I am grateful for that come to mind at this moment. 

101 things I am grateful for this morning…
Bed I slept in last night
Computer I am typing on
Coffee and the cup on my desk
Hands that work without encumbrance
Good health
Radio playing in the background
Television I hear in another room
A little sports car
iPhone
Old camera collection
Good clothing and varied wardrobe
Food in my fridge and pantry
Running water
Air-conditioning
A good job
Male friends Mel, Roger, Sam, Dave, Tom, Jim, Cy and Bill
My Son Nick
Female friends Cindy,Katie,Virginia, Patrice, Muriah and Sandy
Women I have loved and who loved me
My Brother
Ability to speak
Education
Books
Ability to read
Eyes that see
Ears that hear
Mouth that tastes
Nose that smells
Hands that feel touch
My sisters
Two ex-wives
People I work with
A home
Nice furniture
An alarm clock
My Dutch wrist watch
I live in a free country
Record collection
Movie theatres
My digital music collection
A beautiful back yard
The wisteria vine on my patio
Tools in the garage
Sunglasses
Money in the bank
Good credit
Ability to walk and run
Wisdom I have gained
Difficulties that have taught me
Wonderful vacations with my son
Ability to travel and see the world
Ability to write and express myself
Pots, Pans, silverware and dishes in the kitchen
Toilet paper
Bathrooms
The variety of shoes I have
Intelligence and ability to learn
A washer and dryer
Favorite coffee shop
Thai food
Big pine and oak trees in front of my home
The church I attend
The Dalai Lama
People who smile back at me
A profession that I enjoy and benefits me
Mechanical ability to fix things
A big, loud stereo system
Nag Champa soap
Pain killers after surgery
A good doctor and good medical care
Good dental care and a good dentist
My Nikon and Canon digital cameras
My large format cameras
Ability to love
A soft and tender heart
Codependents Anonymous
The Meadows
My therapist
The dental hygienist who cleans my teeth
A Timex Indiglo watch
My Buddhist altar
A collection of pre-Columbian art
Favorite Grocery store
Favorite restaurants
Travel in Europe
South and Central American trips
Living on a Caribbean Island
Safety through a cat 5 hurricane
An old Volvo that saved my life
Those who encourage me to write this blog
Having owned a pool and not owning one any more
Showers
Air Travel
Electricity
Heat in the winter
Cable
High speed internet
Paved streets and good roads
Doug who cuts my grass
The spirit within me

I am not going to review the list for content and over think this exercise.  If this morning my gratitude was a bit too much for material things or lacking of others, it does not matter.  If I made this list tomorrow much of it would be the same, but many things would be replaced.  I don’t believe it is of much importance at any given point exactly what I feel gratefulness for.  What matters is that I maintain a grateful attitude where thankfulness is on the tip of my tongue and on the top of my mind. 

I feel so much better now than I did a little while ago!  Gratefulness multiplies blessings and lightens burdens.  Of that I am absolutely certain!   

If the only prayer you ever say in your entire life is thank you, it will be enough.  Meister Eckhardt