Author: James Browning

I’ve Learned…

/ James Browning

I’ve learned I can do something that only takes a moment that will give me heartache for years.

I’ve learned being the person I want to be is not automatic and is a lot of work.

I’ve learned to try always part from those I care about with loving words.  It may be the last time I see them.

I’ve learned that I can keep going long after I don’t think I can.

I’ve learned that I am responsible for whatever I do and must bear the consequences.

I’ve learned that either I control my attitude and thoughts or they control me.

I’ve learned that the heroes I look up to most are people who live ordinary, everyday lives very well.

I’ve learned that money is a lousy way of keeping score and it will not make me happy.

I’ve learned that just because a person is a family member does not mean I have to allow them in my life.    

I’ve learned that one of the great gifts in life is having a best friend.

I’ve learned that people will surprise me.  Sometimes the ones I thought would help during a bad time don’t and the ones I thought would kick me when I was down will help me.

I’ve learned that is OK to be angry when I feel anger, but that does not give me the right to be mean or cruel.

I’ve learned that true friendship can continue to grow, even over long distance, with just a little care and attention.  Same is true for love.

I’ve learned that someone can love me even though they don’t want to be with me.

I’ve learned that I can love someone even when I don’t want to be with them.

I’ve learned that maturity is mostly about learning from life experiences and has little to do with the number of birthdays I have had.

I’ve learned the hardest person to be forgiven by is my self.

I’ve learned that no matter how much pain I am in or how deeply my grief may be, the world does not stop for me.

I’ve learned that my childhood may influence who I am, but I am responsible for who I allow myself to be.

I’ve learned that I can’t directly change other people, no matter how much I try or want to.  All I can do is be a good example and hope they might want to follow.

I’ve learned that telling someone’s secret to another in confidence is not keeping the first person’s secret.  

I learned that I can see something that other people see and see it totally differently.

I’ve learned that my life can be changed for the better or worse in a matter of moments.

I’ve learned that I can not make someone love me.  

I’ve learned that trust that took years to build can be destroyed in seconds.

I’ve learned that comparing my self too much to others is a good way to forget who I am.

I’ve learned it is not what happens to me that is most important.  It’s what I do with it that matters.

I’ve learned that forgiving others is more for me than them.

I’ve learned that money is a lousy way of keeping score.

I have learned in a divorce friends choose sides.

I’ve learned smart people do stupid things but that does not make them stupid.

I’ve have learned that falling in love is easy and staying in love is hard.

I’ve learned that there are few things more important than being honest with myself.

Above adapted, amended and interpreted from several lists
found on the Internet along with my own additions.

For all that has happened in my life, good or bad, I am grateful for each honed and shaped me into the man I am today.  I like who I am.  I am happy and glad to be alive.  I am very grateful! 

 “Move On” – Author Unknown

The past is the past for a reason
That is where it is supposed to stay
But some cannot let it go
In their head it eats away

Until all their focus becomes
The person that they used to be
The mistakes they made in their life
Oh if only they could see

That you cannot change what happened
No matter how hard you try
No matter how much you think about it
No matter how much you cry

What happens in your lifetime
Happens for reasons unknown
So you have to let the cards unfold
Let your story be shown

Don’t get wrapped up in the negative
Be happy with what you have been given
Live for today not tomorrow
Get up, get out and start living

Cos the past is the past for a reason
It’s been and now it is gone
So stop trying to think of ways to fix it
It’s done, it’s unchangeable, move on.

The Hard Way

/ James Browning / 1 Comment

The emperor moth is one of the most beautiful species of all the moths. Wings that are wide flap slowly and majestically when it flies.  A lot of growth and change is necessary before the emperor can take its first flight as a full-grown adult.  Much time has to be spent in a cocoon growing and evolving.  Then to emerge into the world the moth must pass through a very narrow opening in its protective covering.  It does this by struggling and squeezing itself slowly through a small hole in the cocoon with a great deal of effort.  

Once upon a time a young man came across the cocoon of a large beautiful emperor moth. He made the decision to take it home so the moth’s coming into the world could be witnessed.  The man waited for a day or two and in his excitement to see the month a decision was made to help it emerge.  He cut a small opening at the bottom of the cocoon and very slowly the moth struggled to force its body through the tiny hole.

It appeared to the young man when only part of the way out, the moth became stuck and stopped making progress.  Although it was just resting, he thought it couldn’t get any further out.  Thinking he was being kind and helpful, the man took scissors and snipped a much bigger hole in the cocoon.  Then it was no problem for the emperor to easily emerge.  It was then the young man noticed the moth’s swollen body with wrinkled and shriveled wings.

Continuing to watch the moth the man hoped that at any moment wings would enlarge and be spread, the body would shrink and a first flight would begin.  Instead the emperor spent the rest of its short life crawling about with its swollen body and shriveled wings.  It never flew.

In his desire to be helpful, the man did not grasp that the struggle for the moth to free itself through the original tiny hole in the cocoon was necessary.  The difficult tussle through a tiny opening was required to force fluid from the moth’s body into its wings so it would be able to fly.

For the moth, flight was only possible after a great struggle. By depriving the moth of the skirmish with the cocoon, with the best of intentions, the man deprived it of a good and productive life. Similarly, people need struggle to grow.  No one can do the work for us.  If life is free of obstacles, a person literally ends up crippled.  

Like most, initially I want to bury my hurt, grief, pain or fear deeply inside whenever challenge comes.  My flight or fight reflex kicks in and my first reaction is to do anything but experience the painful emotions in front of me. However, life has taught that before pain will subside, I have to face and deal with the adversity.  I have to struggle.  It is by moving through the feelings of discouragement, grief or pain allow me the complete range of emotions necessary before the pain will let go.

This has not been an easy lesson to learn.  When younger as struggle arrived the feeling was of something being “done to me”.  I usually played the “why me” game.  With trial and error a discovery was made:  when allowed to feel my emotions fully and openly I learned valuable life lessons.

Through such experiences resilience, strength and wisdom was uncovered.  As tough as life’s lessons have sometimes been, each difficulty struggled with has held the seed of an equal or greater benefit, a pathway to new growth as a human being.  That does always mean I absorbed the teaching the first time or even the second.  It took a while to come to know that what is not learned gets repeated.   Not infrequently I have been handed an equal or more difficult scenario of the same lesson again… and again… until I learned what life is trying to show me.  

It is also evident today that the more difficult the hardship, the more valuable the lesson being taught is. Without passing through the adversity of dysfunction, the adversity of heartbreak, the adversity of financial problems, the adversity of loneliness, of loss, of failure, of separation, of divorce… I would not be the man I am today.   

To be proficient at most anything, a price must first be paid.  Learning the hard way is the only way of paying.  I am grateful to know that little piece of wisdom and for all the lessons life has taught me.

Times of great calamity and confusion have ever been productive of the greatest minds. The purest ore is produced from the hottest furnace, and the brightest thunderbolt is elicited from the darkest storm.
Charles Caleb Colton

Nothing but a Mirror

/ James Browning

All men should strive
to learn before they die
what they are running from, and to, and why.
James Thurber

“Good morning.  I’m James and I’m a codependent.” is how one begins a turn of sharing at a Codependents Anonymous meeting.  Twice a week for going on five years I have gathered with others in a small group of 6-10 people.  It is there I have found comfort, growth and safety to learn to be the “me” I really am.

The term “Codependence” is so misunderstood and often ill-defined.  It frequently ends up with a meaning to many that is not even close to its clinical definition.  To boil it down as far as I can in my own words, codependence is a loss of one’s self to where there is no clear sense of identity or positive self-esteem.  A codependent then defines them self largely by what is outside them through either being overly controlling or overly compliant.  Inside they feel at least partly empty and fear letting people see who they really are, what they feel and what they think.

Most of the time it is hard to spot a codependent as we become so good at projecting what we think others want to see.  Usually such people are successful in their working life as the controlling variety of codependents frequently make good managers.  The compliant variety make great employees.  It is in personal relationships where these natures cause problems.  Since what others see is only a projection, true emotionally intimacy is essentially impossible with one with moderate to high codependency.

Codependence often involves placing a lower priority on one’s own needs, while being excessively preoccupied with the needs of others.  Codependency may also be characterized by denial, low self-esteem, excessive compliance, or control patterns.  In a general sense being a Codependent means making things outside yourself far more important than you are to yourself.

Here’s a paragraph I found on-line that describes well the feeling of codependence:  So there’s a shell there, on the outside, and people look at the shell, and they talk to it and they act like it’s really you, but you know it isn’t. It’s just a mask. A cover. A defense mechanism carefully tweaked over years and decades, with razor-sharp antennae out, reading the signals, ready to react, ready to duck for cover, ready to be whatever it is that they want me to be today.

Everyone has some codependence in them, but for those of us in recovery that is excessively true.  If you are curious to know if you suffer from being a codependent, take the quiz at this link: CoDA Quiz Link  I will warn you though, one of the surest signs a person is codependent is to score as one and then deny that’s true.
The original poem is titles: “The Perfect Friend” By author Shannen Wrass.

The Perfect Friend
(By Shannen Wrass)

Today I found a friend
Who knew everything I felt
She knew my weakness
And the problems I have dealt.
She understood my wonders
And listened to my dreams,
She listened to how I felt about life and love
And knew what it all means.
Not once did she interrupt me
Or tell me I was wrong
She understood what I was going through
And promised she’d stay long.
I reached out to this friend,
To show her that I care
To pull her close and let her know
How much I need her there.
I went to hold her hand
To pull her a bit nearer
And I realized this perfect friend I found
Was nothing but a mirror.

Now days I live a mostly happy life and no longer need to show the world someone else other than who I am, at least most of the time with most people.  I am grateful beyond words to my therapist, The Meadows and all those I have attended a CoDA meeting with.  Without you all I simply don’t know where I would be today.

National Codependence Anonymous Organization link:  http://www.coda.org/

Another link that may be helpful:  http://www.mnwelldir.org/docs/mental_health/codependency.htm

1,000 Things You Don’t Know About Women

/ James Browning / 5 Comments

Almost exactly six months ago Esquire magazine published an articled on their website titled “1,000 Things You Don’t Know About Women”.  Last night I stumbled across it while doing some on-line research on another topic.  The description of the article on the website was: “We asked the women in our lives to share their secrets about sex, relationships, and what we’ve been doing wrong (and right) all these years. Four months after our special issue devoted to women — and with continuing help from you on Twitter —  we’ve reached a thousand pieces of wisdom.”

Most of the thousand comments hit me as interesting, even fascinating, certainly educational and at times humorous, while insightful.  I am appreciative of the women who responded so candidly.  Most remarks were reminders of what five decades of paying attention to the opposite sex has taught me, although it was helpful being prompted to practice consistently what I know.  

Some of the comments women were enlightening.  One I will remember always is how to answer the proverbial question:  “Does this dress make me look fat”.

No. 340: If that piece of clothing does indeed make us look fat, simply say, “It’s nice, but you don’t look comfortable in it.” Most of the time, it’s true. —Nicole Lee, 31, San Francisco

Another comment was a cue for men to remember to tell women we love how attractive they are to us, no matter how long we’ve been together.

No. 77: We want you to think we are pretty. Every now and then, when we get all fixed up, act for a minute like we make it hard for you to breathe. — Shannon Purvis, 45, Novato, California

I learned the hard way, that secrets almost always become known eventually and secrets are poison that given time harm or kill a loving relationship.  

No. 592: If you don’t want to tell us something, you probably should. We might find out from someone else, and that won’t be good. — Jenna Alice Loerop, 21, Chicago

Frequently I have tried to understand exactly where a woman I cared about was coming from when all I had to do was pay attention.  On that subject, here is good advice from the Esquire “1,000 Things You Don’t Know About Women”.

No. 518: Sometimes we don’t need you to solve the problem; we just want you to listen. — Nicole Semonis, 22, Encinitas, California

No. 940: Four words that will turn away our wrath: “How can I help?” —Judith Brodnicki, 50, Omaha

It is not unusual for men to forgot to treat the woman they love as well we once did (women do this do too by the way, so reversing the gender in the comment also makes sense).      

No. 23 We want you to never stop hunting us. Even if we married you. Remember why you got the gig. Don’t make the trailer the only fun in the whole production. That’s misleading. — Avril Dell, 46, Toronto

Here are six more comments from the Esquire article I randomly selected to include here:

No. 437: Even the most ardent feminist likes to be swept off her feet with an unplanned spontaneous romantic gesture. Trust me. —Jennifer Dewhirst Steshyn, 51, Lakeland, Florida

No. 69: When you play with my hair, you’re actually making love to me. Did you know that? —Babette Dickerson, 50, Shaker Heights, Ohio

No. 104: The girl who had a crush on you in the third grade probably still thinks about you once a week. Okay, twice. —Jennifer Smith, 34, Atlanta

No. 872: In regards to shirt buttons, here’s our advice: one open, you’re fine, two open, you’re cutting it close, three or more and you look like you belong on Tool Academy. — Aminata Dia, 22, San Jose, California

No. 50: No, it’s not all right that you didn’t plan anything for our birthday even though we told you not to. — Carla Michelle Coley, 24, Washington, D. C.

No. 40: We think you’re high maintenance, too. — Naomi Pabon-Figueroa, 25, Pittsburgh

I suppose the Esquire article leaned so heavily on comments by 20-something women due to that likely being the prime dating demographic. As I picked remarks to include today I intentionally leaned a bit toward women in their 30’s, 40’s and 50’s.  Being in my 5th decade I was especially interested to learn what “older” (defined as more mature/experienced/full-grown/wiser, etc) women had to say.  

The readers of this blog lean about 60% female and I am hopeful some of you will leave a comment here about “What Men Need to Know About Women” so I can post them.  Men, you are just as welcome to leave your insights about women as well.

After two marriages and too many failed relationships over the years, I appreciate any input you care to share. Being in a new wonderful love relationship of about six months now, all helpful insights will be greatly appreciated. 

Sometimes I wonder if men and women really suit each other.  Perhaps they should live next door and just visit now and then.  Katharine Hepburn

Here’s a link to the Esquire article “1,000 Things You Don’t Know About Women: http://www.esquire.com/women/women-issue/funny-facts-about-women-0510

I Can Do Anything

/ James Browning / 2 Comments

 

  1. Give up the quest for perfection and shoot for a good five minutes in a row.
  2. Remember what you love.
  3. If you want something to change, do something different.
  4. Let yourself re-graduate every four years. 

Those are the four “clues” about life offered by Cathy Guisewite, the creator of the syndicated cartoon strip “Cathy” as part of a graduation address she gave at the University of Michigan in the spring of 1994. 

I like the simplicity of her list.  So many  “suggestions for living” offered, while well written and though out, are usually too long and cumbersome for most people to adhere to for any length of time.  Cathy’s list of clues is simple, to the point and easy to understand and use.

About the first clue on her list Ms. Guisewite remarked you will not be graded for how dramatic your plans are but for what you actually sit down and do, slowly, deliberately for five minutes in a row.  If you can succeed for five minutes in a row, you can do anything.  To my way of thinking this is encouragement to stay in the present and live in the “now” where life actually goes on.

Clue number two “Remember what you love” is good advice without any explanation.  However, one of Cathy’s thoughts on this subject is so good; it has to be included.  She said When you remember what you love, you will remember who you are.  If you remember who you are, you can do anything.  Enough said!

When I look back and think about the things I could have done and should have done and wish I had said and wanted to try and thought of changing, time and time again I see the only brick walls that were ever really in my way were the ones I lovingly built myself, brick by brick, and then proceeded to smash my head against.  I just could not get out of my own way.  That is how Cathy Guisewite began explaining her third clue “If you want something to change, do something different”.

I find the third clue especially meaningful as it explains how my life moved from what it used to be to what it is.  In a word “change” is how it happened.  As Cathy continued talking about clue number three she included You have to take a stand when it is not convenient.  Say something in a relationship when it hurts to do it.  Work harder than you are used to working.  Try something nobody else has tried.  Defy your own group.  Rebel against yourself.  Knock down your walls and get out of your own way.  If you are brave enough to do something different, you can do anything.

“Let yourself re-graduate every four years” was Ms Guisewite’s forth “clue”.   The context of her statement was for a college graduating class and the way she explained clue four all one has to do is substitute “re-set” for “re-graduate” to make this point applicable to all ages.  She said Celebrate what you have done.  Admit what you are not doing.  Think about what is important to you and make some changes.  If you give yourself a chance to move on, you can accomplish anything.

The remarks made by Cathy Guisewite seventeen years ago are still just as meaningful today.  Near the end of her speech she said …you have to set standards for how you work how you treat others, how you let yourself be treated. You have to simultaneously celebrate yourself and rebel against yourself. You have to defy your group, knock down your walls, and get out of your own way. You have to separate yourself from the 10,000 things that are expected of you and concentrate on something one day at a time.

There is a consistent thread that runs through Ms. Guisewite’s comments and one she stated at least four times.  It was “…you can do anything”.  While I can’t be 25 again or fly by flapping my arms, there really is little else I can’t do.  At my age some endeavors will be more difficult, but still attainable if it is something I love and truly want to accomplish. Conversely, age plays in my favor due to the wisdom of years and knowledge from previous trial and error not in my possession when younger.  

I am grateful to be exactly who I am, at the age I am, the way I am.   And for anyone to be pleased with their overall lot is life is no small accomplishment.  But here I am filled with joy for living and excited about my future prospects.  I can do anything!

Most of the shadows of this life are caused by our standing in our own sunshine.
Ralph Waldo Emerson

The Lies I Tell Myself

/ James Browning / 5 Comments

Once in a while in hindsight I marvel at succeeding at so much while lacking belief in myself.  For so long an inability to give credit for my abilities and what I was capable of achieving robbed me of feeling positive about anything accomplished.  Nothing was ever good enough.  Everything could have been better.  “That did not measure up” or “there I fell short” was the manner my “internal judge” barked incessantly at me. 

Not only did I find myself falling short in just about every way, that viewpoint was also used for those in my life.  Lovers and partners seemed always to be too imperfect, friends fell short, and even family did not measure up.  The problem had nothing to do with them and all to do with me and how I viewed the world.  If “rose-colored glasses” enhance what is seen and gives a view of reality better than what exists, then I wore “gray-colored glasses” that robbed life of color and depth making my perspective far worse than what was true and real.

Our culture is overly performance based.  The desire to do things perfectly, if not inbred, is certainly brainwashed into us. Easily I slipped from a difficult childhood into being an overachiever professionally.  For a couple of decades my work was who I was.   Without my professional life there was little to me.  Yet no matter what I achieved, nothing was ever good enough and my dissatisfaction with life continued, grew and accumulated.

Growing up feeling ‘not good enough’ created a powerful limiting mechanism in my life:  the “voice of an internal judge” that reigned supreme in my consciousness.  While others helped me create it, the voice of the bully inside was/is all mine.  I fed it daily.  The thoughts articulated silently, but so strongly were those of an internal critic that ran rampant for years while I barely noticed. The ego, even a damaged one such as mine, is very, very clever at disguising things and transposing meaning for preservation of its viewpoint.  In other words, my ego is a liar!

It does not matter the internal judge was often completely wrong. Somewhere along the way I became accustomed to believing EVERYTHING my internal critic said.  Eventually my life became so hollow questions began that always started with “why”.  In time, I became highly dissatisfied with being so unsatisfied all the time.   

Years of questioning eventually lead me to seek help with my issues rooted in a long ago childhood.  It was then that I discovered “him”, that booming voice of self-judgment and self-criticism that roared louder than any word ever spoken to me by anyone else.  I was shocked and surprised not only by the discovery, but alarmed by the power the judge had over me.  

Part of what I discovered was this voice was constantly resetting the bar for my performance at the best I had ever achieved or higher (usually the latter).  No matter how well something was done, the bar got moved up so I continued to be “never good enough”.  Even with extraordinary achievements the voice told me I had somehow failed, did not measure up and never would on a consistent basis.  The best I could ever see in me then was mediocrity.  Criticism from others, whether accurate or not, was inflated by my inner critic… ALWAYS.   From the vantage point of today that all seems so crazy!

When the voice was “king” of my days and I was worn down, it took me down further. The critic still can in moments I feel overwhelmed or vulnerable – until I expose it as the small thing with little actual power.  Like a mouse can cast a giant shadow when seen from a particular angle, my “judge” can cast a huge shadow that when seen from a proper angle shows itself to be something actually small only seeming big.  What a life changing discovery that was.  In coming to the reality that a lot of what I was thinking was utter BS, I began to get healthier mentally.  

What are the signs today that the “voice” is talking and I am listening?  Sadness, unhappiness, melancholy, anger, listlessness, lack of motivation, feeling unloved and related emotions that manifest for very long and don’t get better. When ever I find myself stuck in such a way, I know the critic is lecturing again but I am not tuned in to notice it.    Once I spot it for what it is, I almost always win the battle and the voice retreats “with its tail between its legs”.  Sometimes the battles are waged for hours or even days and I get beat up in the fight.  That’s no problem because fighting is how my freedom was won in the first place from the bullying “voice” that misguided my life for so long. 

My gratitude is large to know the “judge and critic” for what it is and to realize I will win a battle with it the vast majority of the time.  All I have to do is dispute the lies I tell myself.

We tell lies when we are afraid… afraid of what we don’t know, afraid of what others will think, afraid of what will be found out about us.  But every time we tell a lie, the thing that we fear grows stronger.  Tad Williams

Ten Things I CAN Do

/ James Browning / 4 Comments

Twenty hours ago a New Year was born: 2012.  I am grateful for the restart a new set of twelve months allows me.   Resolutions made at a year’s start have never been something I succeeded well at.  It has occurred to me that was likely because I chose the wrong things.  Instead of choosing what I want to do, my choice became what I thought I should do.  Without fail, when my “Want” does battle with my “Should”, what I truly want wins out in the long run.     

What could be on my “should-do” list this year?   Lose weight gained when I quit smoking.  Exercise every morning.  Get at least eight hours of sleep every night. ……Blah blah blah yadda yadda yadda.  Bore-ring!

If I make a choice to losing a particular amount of weight by a certain date, exercising every day or getting a specific amount of sleep each night, all it takes is one little slip-up and I have failed.  That’s what has happened too often in the past.  Goals were too narrow and with a failure or two the goal is abandoned.

This year I am making it simpler in a manner that adds some “elbow room” by making my self-made goals less specific.  Examples are “loss some weight”, exercise more often, eat more healthfully and increase how much I sleep.  These are things I know I can improve.   

To all of you die-hard goal setter’s who feel goals must be always be qualified and quantified; foey on you. Such thinking does not work particularily well in my personal life. 

I know the world of business is different.  One way or another, professional endeavors usually entail a certain amount of something by a certain date.  Expectations not delivered are met with reactions ranging from disapproval to termination.   I have lived my business life with goals, goals, goals… and succeeded.  

I have yet to successfully manage my personal life as do my professional life.  On my own time it’s the pride of accomplishing broad goals, a little at a time that pushes me forward.  Through a thousands small acts my life is made better in a collectively big way.  That’s probably why I have been attracted to hobbies that demand proficiency, yet can never be mastered (flying, photography, etc).  It is the doing my best consistently that makes me better at whatever I apply my heart and mind to.     

In 2012 I will lose weight, exercise more, eat better and sleep more.  However, my strategy to accomplish those things is indirect.  Improvement will come as a by-product of being more of the person I want to be.  In thinking about what I could do that would make me more true to myself, it didn’t take long to come up with the list below of “Ten Things I CAN Do”.   

  1. Love people more.
  2. Spend more time outside.
  3. Eat slower and chew more.
  4. Make photographs.
  5. Read more, watch TV less.
  6. Call friends more, send less email.
  7. Be more positive.
  8. Talk to old people more.
  9. Laugh more.
  10. Worry less.

I don’t have to be a rocket scientist to see that being outside more and making more photographs with my old fashioned view-camera will cause me to get more exercise.  Eating slower and chewing more will, without a doubt, cause me to lose weight. Sleeping more will be easier with less worry, being more positive and laughing more.   The remaining four items on my “Ten Things I CAN Do” list bring their own rewards echoing back from the doing of them (love people, call friends more/less emails, talk to old people, read more/watch less TV).

Just thirty-eight words split into an easy to read to-do list; one that I can put on my bathroom mirror and see each morning.  A simple list of ten things I can scan every day and set myself into the world to do them the best I can.  No doubt I will fail in some ways on a daily basis.  Yet, within every week the majority of list will get done.  And through the doing, my life will improve. 

What will “living a good life” get me?  A good life! 

When we have practiced good actions awhile they become easy;
When they are easy we take pleasure in them;
When they please us we do them frequently;
And then, by frequency of act they grow into habit.
Tilloyson

“When we have practiced good actions….” was the focus of a blog on October 25, 2011 https://goodmorninggratitude.com/2011/10/25/when-we-have-practiced-good-actions/

Books Can Be Dangerous

/ James Browning / 1 Comment

The city where I live is blessed with a huge used book store that now occupies the majority of a strip center.  Gardner’s is a funky throw-back to another time.  The store has earthy feelings like something from the late 60’s or early 70’s.  A part of the fun is finding things in the cluttered and barely organized manner of the store.   

One of the great things about a used good book store is I become interested in books I might never have noticed in a mainstream retail establishment.  I can’t even begin to list the number of books that came into my life through Gardner’s, but half or more of my favorites were discovered at the store.   

One example is “The Search for Serenity and How to Achieve it” by Lewis F. Presnall.  When I first looked at the plain light blue soft back book, I found it was published in 1959.  My initial impression was I would get little from a 50-year-old book written primarily for alcoholic recovery.  After thumbing through the pages and reading parts highlighted by a previous owner I realized I had incorrectly judged the book by its cover. 

Here are some of the jewels of wisdom I found in the first two chapters of Presnall: 

No one can learn to be at home in his own heaven until he has learned to be at home in his own hell.  

The search for serenity begins with a willingness to discover and honestly recognize the areas in our own lives where we did not quite grow up. 

Crisis brings… a choice:  Emotional growth and survival, or continued stagnation and eventual death.  As long as we continue in a series of unbroken successes we are not apt to obtain the humility necessary to recognize our own conspicuous immaturities.    

Any type of living, any philosophy of life, which adds to inner conflict, is incorrect for the individual who harbors it.   

Every one of us indulges occasionally in self-pity, but no one likes to admit it.  Self-pity is the emotion of covering up.  It is a method we often use to cover up our feelings of aggression and our feelings of guilt.  It is our excuse for failing to face life objectively – an alibi for inaction.  …In the isolation of aloneness, self-pity becomes an easy antidote or compensation for both insecurity and guilt feelings. 

We sometimes confuse niceness for goodness.  

Happiness is not achieved by a frantic search.  Peace of mind eludes us when we pursue it with struggle and tension.  The art of graceful living, the art of mature living, is largely that of learning to utilize both the good and the bad in a positive way.  

From the time of birth… the human organism it subjected to emotional pressure.  Awareness of the external world begins to affect the functioning of the body.  If physical, mental and emotional growth progress together harmoniously, the individual will retain the innate ability to maintain physical health.  It is when the mind and the emotions fail to keep pace with physical development that the body’s functions are deranged or disturbed by a lack of harmony. 

As I look around my office were I sit writing this morning I see books on my desk to the left and right of me, books on my credenza, books in the shelves behind me and across the hall is my library filled with hundreds of other books. Many of them came from my favorite used book store: Gardner’s.  Their prices are downright cheap on most books and many a piece of wisdom has been gained through my purchases there.  I have much gratitude for the store and the staff who run Gardner’s.  To an even greater degree I am thankful for the large amounts of knowledge I have gained and will yet gain through the books I find there. 

Books can be dangerous.  The best ones should be labeled “This could change your life.”  Helen Exley

Highest Form of Thought

/ James Browning

After being in Colorado for a good part of the week, this morning the drive home begins. I’ve had a great holiday visit with my son and am grateful he is healthy and well.   The twelve hours home will be a good time to “count my blessings”, which are many. 

From “I’m Grateful For” by a Writer Unknown 

For the alarm that goes off in the early morning hours–
because it means I am alive.

For the taxes that I pay–
Because it means I am employed.

For the mess to clean after a party–
Because it means that I have been surrounded by friends.

For the clothes that fit a little too snug–
Because it means I have enough to eat.

For my shadow that watches me work–
Because it means I am out in the sunshine.

For a lawn that needs mowing, windows that need cleaning, and gutters that need fixing–
Because it means I have a home.

For all the complaining I hear about the government–
Because it means we have freedom of speech.

For the parking spot I find at the far end of the parking lot–
Because it means I am capable of walking and that I have been blessed with transportation.

For my huge heating bill–
Because it means I am warm.

For the lady behind me in church who sings off key–
Because it means I can hear.

For the pile of laundry and ironing–
Because it means I have clothes to wear.

For weariness and aching muscles at the end of the day–
Because it means I have been capable of working hard.

I would maintain that thanks are the highest form of thought; and that gratitude is happiness doubled by wonder.  G.K. Chesterton

Future’s So Bright…

/ James Browning / 1 Comment

A time of personal evolution began for me fourteen years ago and the catalyst was a promotion/job transfer.  Left behind was a comfortable position of eleven years and a city known well after eighteen years of living there.  Familiar surroundings and old-friends quickly became something a thousand miles away from where I relocated.  While a son finished out a school year that just began, I lived by myself for eight months in the new city with visits back to my family around every 4 weeks.  Here began real awareness that something was definitely wrong in my life; with me.

The first reaction was to point attention to my childhood, other people and circumstances to explain some of my behavior.  “It was their fault!”  Then came separation, divorce, my son 750 miles away, a new relationship, therapy, a hiatus from affairs, a 2nd marriage, an affair that ended that marriage, five weeks in treatment for depression and compulsions, more therapy, four years spent avoiding love relationships and finally becoming accustomed to being by myself.  A good bit of the cure was overcoming loneliness and learning to be comfortable in my own company, a process that I thought at times was going to kill me.

Frequently I am asked what the “secret” was that allowed me to evolve, grow and change to be the person I am today.  My response is “there’s no secret”.  Trust me, I wish there was a shortcut because I would have taken it long ago.  Getting from there to here focused primarily on four things: 

1) Motivation, 2) Doing the work, 3) Support from others 4) Stop worrying about the future. 

Motivation:  For a day, week or even a full month here and there I thought was stimulated enough to make changes in my life and behavior.  Given time old habits came back.  Only when EVERY DAY I felt change HAD to happen did my behavior evolve positively in lasting ways. 

Do the Work:  Thinking about living life differently is not enough.  Growth takes hard and consistent work; lots of it!  It took reading (tons) about what ailed me to gain understanding.  I had to go to therapy and realize I got as much out of it as I put in. Working a twelve program was very hard, but yielded lasting results.  I had to make amends with those I had wronged, most of all myself.   had to bust my butt and even today that is the recipe for continuing to move forward.

Support of others:  There is no way I could have accomplished my personal growth and recovery without the help of others.  My therapist was a huge help.  The support of a handful of close friends even when they did not understand made a big difference. The support of peers during rehab helped a lot as did assistance an ex-wife gave me then.  Attending help-group meetings at least once a week has been an important part of my work to grow.  Without the support of others, I would not have made it.      

Stop worrying about the future: It was necessary to stop being concerned about the future and instead just take life one day at a time.  The attitude I had to adopt was to just get through the present day.  Sometimes I could stay focused only on the current hour or even the present minute. My behavior always happened in the “now” and could only be addressed in the “now”.  

I had to learn how to feel happiness and allow myself to know joy.  A good explanation comes From a book I read titled “Change Your Mind and Your Life Will Follow: 12 Simple Principles” by Karen Casey:  Joy is always available to us, moment by moment. But we must keep our minds open and pay attention. A closed mind or a mind filled with fear or judgment will never know joy.  More here:  http://www.dailyom.com/library/000/000/000000583.html

Learning the power of my thinking and coming to know my thoughts intimately, even the bad ones, was another key to getting better.  I could not truly embrace the good if I did not know those thoughts well.  Nor could the “stinking thinking” be changed unless I knew that thinking well.  From the Wisdom of the Mystic Masters by Joseph J. Weed comes:  Each thought at its inception produces an effect.  There is a vibratory wave, a radiation from the center, not unlike the radiation of a radio wave from a broadcasting tower.  The wave moves outward equally in all directions with gradually diminishing intensity, which varies with distance.  It continues to emanate from the mind of the thinker as long as the thought is held but it ceases instantly the thinking changes or stops.

Sitting here finishing this blog today, I am so happy to be where my efforts have taken me.  Getting here has been damn difficult, but worth every discomfort.  I am grateful to my Higher Power, all those who aided my journey to now and those who will help me stay on my path in the future.

The Future’s So Bright,
I Gotta Wear Shades”
Lyric from a Timbuk3 song