self-awareness

May Wounds Become Wisdom

/ James Browning

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Through yesterday, goodmorninggratitude.com contains one thousand and three individual posts in Eighty-four categories; some inspired, others filling space and lots in between. One hundred eighty-six thousand thirty-six unique individuals have visited since late April of 2011.

I thought I was tired of writing GMG or had simply run out of material. In recent months I have been guilty the majority of mornings or either avoiding posting or filling space with something borrowed. I lost my way.

After having held back for a while, I realize how much is missing from my daily existence when I don’t share. Certainly there are days when the best thing I can do is wait till the next morning or the one after to share, but to go much longer is not a healthy thing for me.

Since my healing from codependence, childhood trauma and compulsion began in earnest in 2006 (thankfully addiction never spun into my issues), a big part of my recovery has been a Codependence Anonymous twelve step group. There my open sharing of what I had never spoken about before and being accepted without judgment was more than half of mending. And likewise, so has this blog been part of my cure.

Now I see just how important emptying my heart, mind and soul are, not just at my regular CoDA meeting, but here as well. What is shared, is made more bearable. What is shown to the light of day loses most of its force as a monster. It is the bearing of my deepest self that has healed me and keeps me healing.

And so, it is with knowledge that rejuvenation of this blog is not a “can’t not do” I recommit myself. That’s how recovery works: get a little lost sometimes, re-find the way and begin again. Or my CoDA friend Carl likes to say, “Fall down, get up and try again”.

For whatever bit of good my sharing might do I am thankful. But much more of my gratefulness is for other’s acceptance of me as the imperfect being I am.

May Light always surround you;
Hope kindle and rebound you.
May your Hurts turn to Healing;
Your Heart embrace Feeling.
May Wounds become Wisdom;
Every Kindness a Prism.
May Laughter infect you;
Your Passion resurrect you.
May Goodness inspire
your Deepest Desires.
Through all that you Reach For,
May your arms Never Tire.
D. Simone

An Examined Life

/ James Browning

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Experience has taught me to stay aware of my words, behavior, habits and values. There was a time when what I thought, said and did shaped who I became. Ironically, I found a point where I did not like what I saw, changed a good bit of it and grew past some old ways of being. The metamorphosis took years, but now I live an examined life of intentional awareness. I am grateful to know that living any other way was me just drifting aimlessly along.

Change is inevitable.
Growth is intentional.
Glenda Cloud

Sexy Character Traits of Happy People

/ James Browning

free_happiness

In an era of public booty-bouncing and other ubiquitous in-your-face expressions of sensuality, it’s about time we had a new standard of sexy. Real sexiness is so much more than physical shape and form. It’s more than style and wardrobe, attitude and visible swag. The most enduring form of sexiness is the most endearing trait and the clearest mirror of the human soul: happiness. It’s time we elevate happiness to its proper place in the sexiness pantheon by learning and applying these seven character traits of happiness (and therefore sexiness):

1. Moral Courage: Happy people stand up for what’s right and don’t get pushed around by peer pressure into the newest fad or trend. They have the courage, conviction and inner strength to do what’s right even while others reshape themselves into ever-shifting expressions of someone else’s standards, becoming shadows of other’s values.

2. Self-Confidence: Happiness requires a degree of confidence that allows us to believe we have value, that we are worthy of love and friendship and success. Happy people have faith in themselves and in their ability to develop the skills and qualities needed to become highly competent at living life well. Not much is sexier than someone who humbly exudes self-confidence.

3. Thoughtfulness: They say nice people finish last, but that’s just not true. As a matter of fact, jerks are never completely trusted or respected by people who respect themselves. Happy people are thoughtful people. They consider the needs of others. Making a difference, in fact, takes center stage in their lives; it’s an important part of their self-identity. …just ask anyone in a loving relationship with a few years under their belt how sexy thoughtfulness is to them and how thoroughly unsexy its opposite is.

4. Passion: Happiness at its highest level includes living a life of passion and purpose. Happy lives are directed lives, pointed at something deeply meaningful. The happiest amongst us are excited about living because every day offers them another opportunity to do what they love, because truly passionate people have many interests, they are rarely bored, adrift or indolent. Sexy people love life and love people and love what they spend their time doing.

5. Self-Responsible: Have you ever met a happy person who regularly evades responsibility, blames and points fingers and makes excuses for their unsatisfying lives? Me either. Happy people accept responsibility for how their lives unfold. They believe their own happiness is a byproduct of their own thinking, beliefs, attitudes, character and behavior.

6. Honest: Liars hide from the truth. They lack the courage to stand up to the reality of their lives. They hide behind words and camouflage – their hidden agenda behind a web of stories and verbal slights of hand. Happy people don’t live that way. Honesty is a hallmark of the happiest amongst us. It is also a characteristic of the dangerously sexy.

7. Self-accepting: Happy people are authentic. They are real and know who they are and what they like. They are in touch with their feelings and spend time learning and growing and developing. Self-accepting people may forgive themselves of their own shortcomings, but they don’t excuse them. They look their weaknesses square in the eye, accept them as they are, then go to work growing and improving and transforming them into strengths. Taken from writing by Ken Wert http://www.marcandangel.com/2013/06/16/7-sexy-character-traits-of-happy-people/

It’s been a year and a half since an epiphany stopped me dead in my tracks while watching a movie (https://goodmorninggratitude.com/2012/06/04/i-have-been-a-fool/ ). It was then my heart truly opened and allowed me to see beauty in shapes and sizes I had always missed before. That moment has since lead me to a whole new happiness I never knew was possible before. I am deeply grateful.

Sexiness is a state of mind –
a comfortable state of being.
Halle Berry

Can I Trust You?

/ James Browning

Definition of trust:
A firm belief in the reliability, truth, ability, or strength of someone or something;
being able to predict what other people will do and what situations will occur.

“Can I trust you?”  Numerous times greater than needles on a pine tree I have faced that question.  Sometimes my response is “yes, I can” and gratefully I am correct more often than not.  But with higher frequency than I wish were true it is my discovery my trust was ill placed.

Wisdom gleaned from living has made me more discerning about who deserves my trust but still at times I will rely on those I should not.  Problem is I really want to trust everyone, but reality keeps showing me I can’t.  Instead I have to be reminded that trust has to be earned even knowing then no certainty is created.

Sometimes my disappointment is small.  I have faith in someone to return a book I loaned them and am let down when they don’t remember borrowing it.  Or, I trust a person to keep a confidence and they tell someone.  Or another will say they will do something and forget their words were ever spoken.  Such is the realm of everyday life.

If honestly is to prevail, I must admit the person who frustrates me most by violating my trust is me!  Let me explain.  I promise to faithfully begin working out once the weather turns cooler and the heat is gone, but the cold comes with me still parked on the couch.  I make the commitment to stop interrupting others while in conversation but find myself still doing it far too often to be considered an occasional mistake.

From John Mayer’s song “I Don’t Trust Myself…”
No I’m not the man I used to be lately
See you met me at an interesting time
If my past is any sign of your future
You should be warned before I let you inside.

Those words describe a warning that once could have been said truthfully about me.  With my best effort I attempt to not go tripping in my past, but being human invariably I do here and there.  Forgiveness is within for the vows of faithfulness broken in two marriages, but just because I forgive myself does not mean I have forgotten those ultimate violations of trust.   I have paid my penance, done my time in therapy and have grown beyond breaching such trust.  I learned from the mistakes made and am a better man now.

There is plenty in my past to regret, but tears and painful, sleepless nights of self-punishment have been paid.  Today I am a faithful man beyond doubt, but I do it for myself.  Being loyal to another is good for me, even more so than for the object of my fidelity.  Being proud of one’s self is a good addiction to cultivate.

One of the most painful aspects of trust is when one is being honest, but viewed as being deceitful.  It took a long time for the realization to come that telling the truth is all that is required.  Whether another believes me or not is their business, not mine.  If I have been honorable and am viewed otherwise the dishonestly is solely in the other person and his or her inability to see the truth when is presented.

Ultimately I have arrived in the here and now to be one of the most trustworthy people I have ever known. I know this to be true for it is with myself I live every moment of every day.  None of my actions or thoughts are a secret from me.  No longer do I need to try the impossible task of outrunning or fooling myself.  The transformation inside has been remarkable as I have learned to live up to my own standards.  Simple?  YES!  Hard to do?  YES, but worth every ounce of effort, sweat and tears!   Living parallel to my beliefs brings a sweet taste to living I have never known before.  I am grateful for the satisfying taste of my life today.

As soon as you trust yourself,
you will know how to live.
Johann Wolfgang von Goeth

First posted here on January 28, 2012

Runner Intentionally Loses Race

/ James Browning

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Oscar Wilde wrote, “One should always play fairly when one has the winning cards”. This is evidenced profoundly in an article published about a year ago on Huffington Post (one of my favorite websites). There is so much good content on the site, no one can take it all in. Even though I missed reading about the incident near the time it happened, the meaningfulness of the event has little to do with the passing of time.

A Spanish runner has shown the world that sometimes, just sometimes, winning isn’t everything.

Last month, Spanish athlete Ivan Fernandez Anaya impressed the world by giving up victory to do the right thing. According to El Pais, it happened as the 24-year-old raced a cross-country event in Burlada, Navarre on Dec. 2.

In second place to Abel Mutai, the Kenyan athlete who won a bronze medal in the London Olympics, Anaya suddenly had a chance to surge ahead. According to El Pais, Mutai mistakenly thought the end of the race came about 10 meters sooner than it did, and stopped running.

Then, he “looked back and saw the people telling him to keep going,” Anaya told CNA. “But since he doesn’t speak Spanish he didn’t realize it.”

So Anaya slowed, guiding Mutai to the actual finish line. And he didn’t think much of it, either. Anaya told El Pais, “I didn’t deserve to win it. I did what I had to do. He was the rightful winner. He created a gap that I couldn’t have closed if he hadn’t made a mistake. As soon as I saw he was stopping, I knew I wasn’t going to pass him.”

His actions may not have won him the match, or the approval of his coach, but they did get him a few new fans. On Facebook, more than 500 friend requests have come in since the generous act… http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/01/18/ivan-fernandez-anaya-hone_n_2505360.html
The short YouTube video below shows the end of the race: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=azgL23K_8zU&feature=player_embedded

What I expose myself to and keep myself away from has a profound effect on my thinking and there by the quality of my life is positively affected. By paying less attention to ‘blood and guts’ news, gossip, reality shows, junk news, horrid happenings and generally keeping myself away from that sort of ‘crap’ my level of contentment changed. Instead I haven give more attention to meaningful events like the story above and for that change of habit alone, I became happier.

On the Buddhist “Eightfold Noble Path”, “Right Mindfulness” is considered to be one of eight activities that most affect the quality of one’s life. I am glad to not only know that, but to imperfectly practice it and receive the benefits of that wisdom.

Win without boasting.
Lose without excuse.
Albert Payson Terhune

Buddhism-Noble-Eightfold-Pat!!h

Live It!

/ James Browning

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Life is crazy,
and totally unpredictable…
It’s going to push you over,
kick you while you’re down
and hit you when you try to get back up.
Not everything can beat you.
Things are going to change you,
But you get to choose which ones you let change you.
Listen to your heart,
Follow your dreams,
And let no one tell you what you’re capable of.
Push the limits,
Bend the rules,
And enjoy every minute of it.
Laugh at everything,
Live for as long as you can.
Love all,
But trust none.
Believe in yourself,
And never lose faith in others
Settle for nothing but only the best,
And give 110% in everything you do.
Take risks,
Live on the edge,
Yet stay safe,
And cherish every moment of it.
Life is a gift,
Appreciate all the rewards,
And jump on every opportunity.
Not everyone’s going to love you
But who needs them anyways.
Challenge everything,
And fight for what you believe.
Back down to nothing,
But give in to the little things in life,
After all, that is what makes you.
Forget the unnecessary,
But remember everything,
Bring it with you everywhere you go.
Learn something new,
And appreciate criticism.
Hate nothing,
But dislike what you want.
Never forget where you came from,
And always remember where you are going.
Live Life to its fullest,
And have a reason for everything,
Even if it’s totally insane.
Find Your purpose in life,
and Live it!
http://www.familyfriendpoems.com/poem/live-life

A great deal changed for me in 2013, mostly for the better. Now I am less than forty-eight hours from beginning a whole new ballgame: 2014! It’s a new season for me to take further what was learned and begun within this year that’s ending. For all the newness I am thankful. For all the possibilities the New Year brings gratefulness fills me.

Write it on your heart that every day
is the best day in the year.
Ralph Waldo Emerson

Twelve of Forty

/ James Browning

tiny buddha

For close to three years www.tinybuddha.com has been a website I visit a few times each month. I never fail to find reading that causes me to think, be inspired or gain insight. Over a million other people visit on a regular basis.

A post from about a year ago titled “40 Ways To Feel More Alive” was the blog that caught my attention this morning. For sake of brevity, I when down the list until I had picked about a dozen ‘good ones’ to share.

* Tell someone how you really feel about them instead of waiting because you’re scared.

* Tell someone what you really want and need instead of building up resentment.

* Share your fears publicly, in a blog post for example, and ask the community to keep you accountable in overcoming them.

* Tell a friend your greatest dream, then ask them to hold you accountable in pursuing it.

* Admit to a friend how you really feel about how you spend your time—then brainstorm about ways to improve it.

* Introduce yourself to someone you’ve been dying to meet, even if you feel nervous.

* Tell yourself the truth instead of lying to yourself about the changes you want to
make in your life.

* Sign up for a class to learn a skill you’ve always thought would be fun.

* Ask a friend to teach you to do something you don’t know how to do—and offer to teach them something else in return.

* Buy a new or used instrument and look on for instructional videos on YouTube.

* Make a list of fun “staycation” ideas (for day trips in your area). Schedule at least two of them for the next month.

* Enlist a friend to help you face it fear, whether it’s quitting your job or skydiving.

To say I will do all twelve would be a certain example of over promise and under deliver. However, I do have four favorites I will put into practice by year’s end. My gratitude goes to the writer of the piece, Lori Deschene, for the insightful list of forty ways to feel more alive. Good stuff, Mam! I felt better just reading it! Full article at http://tinybuddha.com/blog/40-ways-to-feel-more-alive/

I don’t believe people are
looking for the meaning of life
as much as they are looking
for the experience of being alive.
Joseph Campbell

The Only Life You Could Save

/ James Browning

One of the type phrases I have worked diligently to eliminate are statements like “she made me angry…”, “he made me feel bad…”, “they caused me to feel self-conscious.” and any other assertion that pushed the majority of my mood or state of mind off on someone else.  Certainly what others do, affects me.  Being long shy of perfection, the actions and words of others do get to me, but far from how the once did.

If I could soak up only the good effects that come from praise, positive acknowledgement or expressions of caring and love, that would be wonderful.  I am glad to be “made” by others to feel such things and choose to be effected by them.  However, the tendency is to reflect away the pleasant to some degree and soak up the negative to a point beyond what was said or done.  It is a human condition that dates back to living in the wild when acute awareness of what was bad, wrong or dangerous kept one alive.  That sensing ability is not without benefit today, but I would be better if about 90% of that sense left me.

I know the effect on me of another’s actions or words is in vast majority my choice.  No one makes me feel ANYTHING unless I give my permission.  No longer does that old dodge for my feelings and reactions work well for me.  Once the truth is known, it is quite difficult to delude one’s self any more.

“THE JOURNEY” by American poet Mary Oliver

One day you finally knew
what you had to do, and began,
though the voices around you
kept shouting
their bad advice—
though the whole house
began to tremble
and you felt the old tug
at your ankles.
“Mend my life!”
each voice cried.
But you didn’t stop.
You knew what you had to do,
though the wind pried
with its stiff fingers
at the very foundations,
though their melancholy
was terrible.
It was already late
enough, and a wild night,
and the road full of fallen
branches and stones.
But little by little,
as you left their voices behind,
the stars began to burn
through the sheets of clouds,
and there was a new voice
which you slowly
recognized as your own,
that kept you company
as you strode deeper and deeper
into the world,
determined to do
the only that you could do—
determined to save
the only life you could save.

These days I am focused on saving and shaping the one life I have control over: MINE!  In the doing of it there has been a discovery I actually can change others indirectly.  As time passes others notice my genuine growth and peace of mind and end up wanting some of what I have.  It is a path I can instruct others about.  The best I can do is illustrate what I have learned through my actions and thereby teach by example.

Once upon a time “I walked mostly in the dark of ignorance”, but now make my way largely “in the light of knowledge” learned the hard way (at least the majority of the time!).  To be grateful for the person I am today, gratitude must be genuine for every trial and problem faced.  Those challenges, especially the ones I could not imagine how I was going to live through initially have brought my most profound teachings.

Don’t settle for comfort.
Don’t ignore the emptiness.
Seek love.
KatieP – http://head-heart-health.com/

First posted on March 26, 2012