relationships

Stettling A Person’s Nerves

/ James Browning

Up early to go over a presentation for work and while sitting here wishing sleep could have lasted longer I was stuck by a moment of gratitude for my job.  So easily how one makes a living can be taken for granted, especially when it’s enjoyable (well most days, for the most part).  I work for a good, family owned company and with a local staff I enjoy.  We’re an eccentric and electic group of talented people who accomplish what many could not. Lots of folks are not so lucky.  Either they don’t like what they do, the company the work for, the people they work with or worse yet, don’t have a job. 

I am blessed and expressing thankfulness is important, especially just a few hours before I stand before the board of directors to present the results  for the year so far.  Being grateful goes a long way in settling a person’s nerves!

There are no menial jobs, only menial attitudes. 
William J. Bennett

Alive, Well and Living a Good Life

/ James Browning

Prior to moving to Oklahoma in the late 90’s, I worked part-time as a professional photographer and had the basement of my home finished off into a studio, darkroom and office. For a time I attained a high level proficiency and had more work that I knew what to do with.  Having gained a good reputation particularly for doing model portfolios and boudoir photography, there was an average two month wait to have work done. Those were the days 15-25 years ago when film was still king and digital had not achieved high enough quality to take over.

Recently I rediscovered some of the model photos I took back then and with the passing of time was now able to see them for the art they were. What really stunned me was the photography was better than I remembered and that was good for my self-esteem!

There was one particular model I enjoyed working with most and she was like a little sister to me. My family liked her and she and I worked together many times. Her name is “Sai” and she had an exotic and unusually beautiful look.  She was a natural poser and had the unique ability to be like a chameleon in front of the camera.  There are photos where it is difficult to believe she is the same person in each because she looks so different in them.

I got curious about what ever happened to her and encouraged by a friend, I went on-line to try to locate Sai. Finding an address last week that I thought might be her, I dropped a card in the mail last week. Low and behold, she called me yesterday.

We were both thrilled to get to talk to each other and catch up. Sai lives in Florida, is now 43, happily married to an architect and has two small children. What blew me away is that she has the photos we made up in her home just like I do. Her comment was “no one has ever been able to make me look the way you did”. I always thought the work we did was outstanding and was pleased to find after all these years she thought so too.

Sai said she will email me photos of her and her family and I look forward to seeing them. In the days when we worked together she was not particularly happy and talked about being lonely at times. I am grateful those days are in the past and happiness has found her. Locating Sai was a wonderful early birthday present. I am thankful to have found my “little sister” alive, well and living a good life.

Friendship is a Golden Chain,
The links are friends so dear,
And like a rare and precious jewel
It’s treasured more each year…

It’s clasped together firmly
With a love that’s deep and true,
And it’s rich with happy memories
and fond recollections, too…

Time can’t destroy its beauty
For, as long as memory lives,
Years can’t erase the pleasure
That the joy of friendship gives…

For friendship is a priceless gift
That can’t be bought or sold,
But to have an understanding friend
Is worth far more than gold…

And the Golden Chain of Friendship
Is a strong and blessed tie
Binding kindred hearts together
As the years go passing by.

“A Golden Chain” by Helen Steiner Rice

A Multi-Colored Continuum

/ James Browning

At four years old I had all the world I wanted: Davy Crockett gloves with fringe, a tricycle, parents I still thought were cool and grandparents who fussed over their oldest grand boy. The world was a giant mystery that I was busy discovering. Each morning I woke up liking life.

With no kindergarten where I grew up, the day I was thrust into first grade was scary. I didn’t want to be there. Quiet and withdrawn, in time I found a good friend that got me through. The buddy was school that came easy. I liked succeeding at something and being appreciated for it.

Before I knew it the age of ten rolled around. This was the year life began to bring real disappointment and even fear as a “nasty stepfather” came into my life. I learned to dislike and even hate through how he treated my brother and I. The lesson was some people truly are evil.

It was a Sunday afternoon and I was thirteen when something never felt before came over me. A magnetic attraction toward a girl was sparkling new and near startling, but felt deliciously daring. I didn’t understand what was going on but I liked what I was feeling during that sweet and innocent afternoon.

In what felt like only a month, two more years passed and almost abruptly I was sixteen years old, had a car (a blue VW) and was ‘in love’ for the first time. I witnessed an amazing sense of being vibrantly alive before the coin flipped to introduce me to romantic heartbreak for the first time six months later.

The world began to go crazy. I was kicked out of home for reasons I don’t understand even today. I was a good kid, a Boy Scout and an honor student but the “evil pretend father” feared me after I stood up to him the first time. He took my car and pushed me out of the house.  Walking down the street with a suitcase and enough money for a motel and food for two days was one of the most fearful moments I’ve ever experienced.

The words I spoke in the phone booth were “I have no place to go. Can I come live with you?”. On the other end of the line was my birth father who was near a complete stranger.  I had seen him only twice since I was seven years old. From two hundred miles away came the word “yes” and one of the best years of my growing up began; my senior year of high school.

Looking back at the plethora of emotions touching me for the first time, my memory is clear of how bewildering life was during those formative years. At the same time I felt vibrantly alive during the ups and downs. Living was filled with near constant firsts and fresh experiences and quite possibly the deepest range of joy and unhappiness ever experienced. Each and every one was a tile in the mosaic of the person I am today.

In recent years the view has arrived of seeing life as a multi-colored continuum instead of separate individual experiences. Each and every event and occurrence are connected. Like a “draw by numbers” portrait those first eighteen years shaped the outline of who I became and am today. I am grateful to be able to look back now and realize how important ALL those experiences were.

I believe that everything happens for a reason.
People change so that you can learn to let go,
things go wrong so that you appreciate them when they’re right,
you believe lies so you eventually learn to trust no one but yourself,
and sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together.
Marilyn Monroe

The Source from Which Self-Respect Springs

/ James Browning

 A relationship without basic trust has no security. Lack of trust creates anxiety. When we can’t tolerate anxiety, we resort to blame. And blame kills relationships. Anxiety is at the core of blame. When we’re upset, disappointed or angry because of another person’s behavior, we often use blame to discharge our feelings. To say it bluntly, we dump our negative emotions onto another person. Carl Alasko, Ph.D., the author of the book”Beyond Blame”.

John is rushing through breakfast. There’s no milk. He’s upset and says to Mary, “Darn it, Mary, why can’t you at least keep some milk in the house?”

In essence, John is criticizing Mary of being too domestically incompetent to even keep track of the household’s supply of milk.

Instantly she gets angry. “You know, John, I work too.” Frequently an accusation follows: “Since when are you so important that you can’t buy some milk yourself?”

Mary’s accusation angers him even more. “I almost got laid off at work and you expect me to stop and buy milk?!” Clearly, this argument is only going to get worse.

The antidote to blame is simple: state your complaint without criticizing or accusing. Admittedly not an easy thing to do.

But here’s how it works. John says: “Oh, darn, there’s no milk.” Not a word more.

Since Mary is devoted to John and committed to their success as a couple, she takes on the responsibility. “Really? I’m sorry. I forgot.” Nothing more needs to be said. Mary already feels bad. Carrying on about it won’t add anything to either the discussion or the reliability of the household milk supply.

To ensure trust, avoid blame. It’s a simple formula that helps keep relationships together.

A decade ago I might have been able to grasp the concept that Dr. Alasko writes about, but I would not have been able to practice it consistently. My anger about the past and fear about the future would have prevented it. How very grateful I am today that storm has dissipated though acceptance, hard word and growth. Today ‘I get it’, thankfully!

The willingness to accept responsibility for one’s own life
is the source from which self-respect springs.
Joan Didion

The majority of what is above comes from an article by Carl Alasko, Ph.D. http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/beyond-blame/201110/how-blame-kills-love

 

We All Feel the Same Pain

/ James Browning

There can be a thousand people in a room with only two dysfunction ones
and they will find one another. They’re attracted like magnets to each other
because they see them self in the other person.

A psychologist once said that to me and from experience I know it’s true.  ‘Likes’ attract, even dysfunctional ones, just like the cartoon above I clipped a few years back and came across last week.

So what is a dysfunction relationship? A partnership that does not work well because of emotional baggage that has been brought into a relationship by one or both partners (more often than not, both!). While anger or dissatisfaction may be what is outwardly apparent, the inner core is almost always fear that originates from old emotional wounds.

If a relationship is not contributing to your emotional, mental, psychological, and spiritual well-being, it is NOT functional. And if it is not functional … over time, it will manage to break your spirit, if you don’t manage it! From http://www.broken-relationship-help.com

The reality of life is most people grew up in a family that was dysfunctional to some degree, so there is nothing to be ashamed of. In some regard just about all of us learned unhealthy ways of being and relating when we were kids. Face that junk and work through it or else you’ll keep attracting people who at first seem like they complete you or fix you (neither of which is even possible). The scary thing is you won’t even realize you need to be healed until the healing begins.

I have a way to go in “growing myself back up” but I have come far in recovering from “issues” rooted in my childhood. I am happy, hopeful and grateful to be where I am today.

Everyone is dysfunctional.
The most dysfunctional people are the ones
that refuse to admit they are!
Why have we all been wearing a mask
and hiding when we all feel the same pain?!   
Melanie Tonia Evan