Letter to a Heartbroken Friend

Re-posted again for yet another friend nursing a broken heart…

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To a dear heartbroken friend:

Don’t worry about the future. It will unfold as it does, unaffected by your thought and worry. What is to be will not be swayed one millimeter by your anguish. I know you are heartbroken, but it is not love that is the source of most of your pain. Love is always pure and never the source of grief.  Given time, if you allow it, misery and sorrow will overpower the purity of your love and bury it in animosity and bitterness. Please don’t let that happen.

Deep grief sometimes is almost like a specific location, a coordinate on a map of time. When you are standing in that forest of sorrow, you cannot imagine that you could ever find your way to a better place. Someday you’re gonna look back on this moment of your life as such a sweet time of grieving. You’ll see that you were in mourning and your heart was broken, but your life was changing… Elizabeth Gilbert

Comfort and happiness, as enjoyable as they feel, are not catalysts for personal development. It’s the difficult times where fertile ground exists for our growth. Please do not hate your pain. Growth is always uncomfortable; sometimes even agonizing. Accept the hurting with a thankfulness for what was instead of a dread for what might or might not be again one day.

I wish I could tell you getting past your heartbreak will be easy. It won’t be. But if you intentionally let go a little each day, slowly your aching will ease. With effort you’ll be able to not think about your loss for a little while at a time and with practice your heartache will be out of heart and mind more and more. Progress will be slow, but certain if you make is so.

Giving her (him) the space she (he) has asked you for is a certain way to show your love to her. To cling and grab to hold on, will only shred into jagged pieces what was once shared. If there is more for you two to share, it will arrive in its due time and not one second before.

Peace and Love,

James

I am grateful for friends who are comfortable enough with me to share their deep private feelings. It is in a common trust and sharing of emotion and thought with others who “get me and I them” that healing and recovery is possible.

We crucify ourselves between two thieves:
regret for yesterday and fear of tomorrow.
Fulton Oursler

Posted previously on April 16, 2013 & August 7, 2014

My Sweet Wild Woman: The Reason you Haven’t yet found Love.

Change her to him and this could be about a woman or a man. Wild Woman then becomes Wild Man and within that I find a good bit of myself in this article from elephantjournal.com.
http://www.elephantjournal.com/2016/06/my-sweet-wild-woman-the-reason-you-havent-yet-found-love/

image151Dear sweet wild woman,

It all comes down to that magical moment when you meet someone who is brave enough to love you just as you are.

Perhaps you will meet this wild-eyed warrior over sweet tumblers of whiskey, or possibly over a chance encounter when the local barista mistakes your double tall with his mocha grande.

Maybe you have met him before, but now you have new eyes that time has moved mountains to create.

Whenever that magical moment arrives—you will know.

It was never about you being too much woman, my dear, but about you being too much for someone who didn’t yet realize that they were enough.

Because a man could never love a woman like you until he opens himself up to his own greatness. And I know you’ve cried bittersweet tears into your softly laid pillow each evening. When you meet the one who is brave enough to love you, you will be thankful that it never worked out with anyone else.

While you may have hard edges, it’s impossible not love a woman like you.
A woman who washes herself in the lemony essence of hope each morning as she clears her eyes from the mistakes of yesterday and readies herself to take on the challenges of a new day.

A woman who dances in the rain with stardust still sparkling upon her heels from the last time she dirtied herself with following the insanity of her dreams.
You’ve always known that you were meant for love and when you stumble upon the relaxed eyes of a man who just can’t seem to get enough, you will know that he possesses the courage that every other lover lacked.

Perhaps this man will not appear to be the warrior you seek, and maybe he is tarnished from all of the tears that he has shed along his journey, but the thing he will show you is the bravery of a man who never fears the intensity of your gaze.
All hasn’t been that your standards were too high, wondering why the glass slipper of the fairy tale never fit. It was about something more—it was about love.

And though you’ve had your fair share of heartbreak and tangled bitter ends, this man, the one who has the courage to offer his hand to you and accept whatever chaos you might bring into his life, will make it all worthwhile.

You will know the instant your fingertips touch his, dancing under the full honey moon to the melody of intoxicating possibility. You will suddenly know that it’s time to start looking for love in all the right places.

You’ve hit enough walls and felt the cold rush of air from doors being closed in your face, to understand that the only love you deserve is the one who will meet you halfway.

Because the only one who is brave enough to love a woman like you is also the only one who deserves your love.

You are unique and special in your thunderstorm of contradictions that drench the most unsuspecting souls. Don’t let anyone tell you differently.

There is magic in the way that you take the mundane and transform it into something beautiful.

Your simple smile can make knees weak and hearts tremble, and it’s not your fault that every other man before this one was just too caught up to notice.

And you, my dear, in your fury of vulnerability and divine sensuality will always remain a mystery.

When you meet this man, his courageous heart will not be intimidated by your presence. In a world that seems to have lost sight of this value, some women are simply meant to be adored.

He may stumble at times, but that doesn’t mean that he isn’t worthy of your love.
No one is perfect. Gently remind him that even though mistakes cross both of your hearts, no one has ever deserved you more than him.

This love isn’t about looks, nor is it about being a good match. It comes down to this man staring down all the reasons why he shouldn’t be with you and instead focuses on the only reason why he should.

Because he’s never met a woman like you.

For some you are too much for some to take, but for him, you’ll be his sole reason to carry on. You inspire him to take small leaps of faith toward your love.
Because once in a while we meet someone who makes throw out the rule book for love.
You were born different into a world that celebrates similarities, and though it has been hard to honor your originality, when you meet this man you will finally understand why.

It’s never been about you being like everyone else, and it’s never been because you aren’t worthy of being loved.

Because all you ever needed, my sweet wild woman, is simply a man who is brave enough to love a woman like you. Author: Kate Rose Image: Pixoto Editors: Ashleigh Hitchcock; Emily Bartran

You’re going to have to date a few cowards
before you meet someone brave enough to love you.
R. H. Sin

Rules for Love

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http://www.elephantjournal.com/2014/11/55-rules-for-love/

1. When it arrives, cherish it.

2. Whatever you accept, you will get.

3. Understand that love is a mirror—it will show us who we are if we allow it to.

4. Only we can make ourselves happy, it is not the other person’s responsibility.

5. Don’t say words with the intent to hurt.

6. Accept and forgive easily.

7. Don’t be scared to disagree, it is healthy.

8. Never be too busy for each other.

9. Do not punish.

10. Accept honest criticism, it is good for us.

11. Admit when you are wrong, quickly.

12. Support each other when the going gets tough.

13. Live in the moment—be present.

14. Leave the past where it belongs.

15. Leave drama out of it.

16. Don’t try to control.

17. Allow a small amount of jealousy.

18. Don’t use comparisons.

19. Celebrate differences.

20. Communicate openly and honestly.

21. Listen very carefully.

22. Don’t judge.

23. Don’t manipulate to get results.

24. Learn and grow.

25. Don’t try to change each other.

26. Don’t condemn each other’s family and friends.

27. Lines, flaws and imperfections are beautiful.

28. Trust your instincts, but don’t be paranoid.

29. Don’t compromise your morals and values and don’t expect them to either.

30. Instead of power, aim for balance.

31. Space is needed to breathe and to grow.

32. Accept that you are both unique—never compare.

33. Have fun, laugh and play—a lot.

34. Be each other’s best friend.

35. Don’t play mind games.

36. Do not carelessly throw away love.

37. Don’t waste energy with negative thoughts.

38. Compliment often.

39. Discover each other.

 40. Be attentive and understand what’s not said.

41. Do at least one romantic and thoughtful thing every day.

42. Take picnics and sleep under the stars.

43. Don’t just speak about it, show love.

44. Walk together, cook together, bathe together, read together.

45. Do not be afraid, love requires surrender.

46. Be loyal and faithful.

47. Trust.

48. Be grateful.

49. Fluidity is good, accept change.

50. Don’t sleep on a fight.

51. Don’t cling to it, know when to let go.

52. Discover what turns you both on and explore it.

53. Make love, but also f*ck (regularly).

54. Give and receive without measure.

55. Never gamble with what you can’t afford to lose.

 

Being deeply loved by someone
gives you strength,
while loving someone deeply
gives you courage.
Lao Tzu

Romance is Empty. I Want to Taste Real Love.

6940148192_c86fa810cd_zI love romance.

I will always love romance.

A cheek to cheek tango wearing nothing but moonlight while stepping on a soft mountain of rose petals is pretty much what I’d rather be doing at all times.

The sweeping breathlessness, the fluttering hearts, the sweaty crescendo of kisses.

Mmm!

It all goes straight to my head like cheap champagne, making my face flush, knees shake.

But, delectable as it is, romance served alone is ultimately empty.

Almost anyone can lure us in with a box of dark chocolate truffles, an adoring compliment and a blossoming bouquet of red roses.

But, love—juicy, pure, real love—is something entirely different.

I did not always know this.

I used to be a romance-junkie, a red-lipstick wearing thrill-seeker, a high-heeled pleasure addict.

I chased after lovers like it was my full-time job.

I chased so hard for so long that I lost myself.

I traveled to the depths of despair and buried my soul in blankets of worthlessness and self-hatred.

I thought I might never make it out alive.

Finally, after far too many years, I had enough.

So I set myself on fire and sat in the scorching flames of transformation.

And, I transformed.

I became courageous enough to taste what I had always truly wanted—real love.

I sank my hungry teeth into it, and the juicy, nourishing nectar filled my mouth.

Warmth spread throughout my limbs and I saw real love.

I saw what it is.

And I saw what it isn’t.

I saw that real love is not a bouquet of red roses, a sweet kiss, a mind game, a glass of extra-bubbly champagne, a flirty e-mail, or a sexy glance.

No.

Real love is raw, pure and breathtaking in its simplicity.

It’s a spiritual adventure, a f*cking crazy journey, a completely transformative experience.

Real love dives deep, looks directly into your soul, sees exactly who you are—and wouldn’t change a damn thing.

It cherishes the deliciousness of every perfectly imperfect part of you.

Because mostly, it just wants to gaze into your eyes and kiss your soul.

And never stop kissing your soul.

It wants to ask, “How are you?” and listen to every single syllable of the long-winded answer.

It wants to know your secrets and your shame, gently peeling back each shiny layer to get to your core.

Oh, how it longs to peak at your luscious core.

Real love grabs on fiercely and holds you hard as f*ck, but is wildly unafraid to set you free.

It’s intensely compassionate, unfreezing even the most stubborn icicles in your heart.

It helps you heal without even trying.

It has the courageousness of a brave soldier and the softness of a nurturing mother.

Real love takes a shit with the door wide open.

It forces you out of hiding.

Because the things you used to hide are the things it admires the most.

Real love bleeds truth, honesty and talks about the things you’re too scared to talk about.

But, most of all,

Real love doesn’t walk off into the sunset, it walks directly into your life.

I will always adore romance.

But, real, pure, juicy love is worth a thousand violin sonatas and starry-eyed kisses.

Real love is raw and satisfying.

Real love is real.

And, more than anything, I want real.

Author: Sarah Harvey – Editor: Travis May – Photo: Juliana Coutinho http://www.elephantjournal.com/2015/02/romance-is-empty-i-want-to-taste-real-love/

 

25 Pieces Of Spot-On Marriage Advice From People Who’ve Been There

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1. Choose to love each other, even in those moments when you struggle to like each other. Love is a commitment, not a feeling.

2. Always answer the phone when your husband/wife is calling. When possible, try to keep your phone off when you’re together with your spouse.

3. Make time together a priority. Budget for a consistent date night. Time is the “currency of relationships,” so consistently invest time into your marriage.

4. Surround yourself with friends who will strengthen your marriage. Remove yourself from people who may tempt you to compromise your character.

5. Make laughter the soundtrack of your marriage. Share moments of joy. And even in the hard times, find reasons to laugh.

6. In every argument, remember that there won’t be a “winner” and a “loser.” You’re partners in everything so you’ll either win together or lose together. Work together to find a solution.

7. Realize that a strong marriage rarely has two strong people at the same time. It’s usually a husband and wife taking turns being strong for each other in the moments when the other feels weak.

8. Prioritize what happens in the bedroom. It takes more than sex to build a strong marriage, but it’s nearly impossible to build a strong marriage without it.

9. Remember that marriage isn’t 50/50 — divorce is 50/50. Marriage has to be 100/100. It’s not splitting everything in half, but both partners giving everything they’ve got.

10. Give your best to each other, not your leftovers after you’ve given your best to everyone else.

11. Learn from other people, but don’t feel the need to compare your life or your marriage to anyone else’s. God’s plan for your life is masterfully unique.

12. Don’t put your marriage on hold while you’re raising your kids or else you’ll end up with an empty nest and an empty marriage.

13. Never keep secrets from each other. Secrecy is the enemy of intimacy.

14. Never lie to each other. Lies break trust and trust is the foundation of a strong marriage.

15. When you’ve made a mistake, admit it and humbly seek forgiveness. You should be quick to say, “I was wrong. I’m sorry. Please forgive me.”

16. When your husband/wife breaks your trust, give them your forgiveness instantly. This will promote healing and create the opportunity for trust to be rebuilt. You should be quick to say, “I love you. I forgive you. Let’s move forward.”

17. Be patient with each other. Your spouse is always more important than your schedule.

18. Model the kind of marriage that will make your sons want to grow up to be good husbands, and your daughters want to grow up to be good wives.

19. Be your spouse’s biggest encourager, not his/her biggest critic. Be the one who wipes away their tears, not the one who causes them.

20. Never talk badly about your spouse to other people or vent about them online. Protect your spouse at all times and in all places.

21. Always wear your wedding ring. It will remind you that you’re always connected to your spouse and will remind the rest of the world that you’re off limits.

22. Connect into a community of faith. A good church can make a world of difference in your marriage and family.

23. Pray together. Every marriage is stronger with God in the middle of it.

24. When you have to choose between saying nothing or saying something mean to your spouse, say nothing every time.

25. Never consider divorce as an option. Remember that a “perfect marriage” is just two imperfect people who refuse to give up on each other.

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/yourtango/25-pieces-of-spot-on-marriage-advice_b_8917732.html?ncid=fcbklnkushpmg00000063
This article originally appeared on YourTango.

To be fully seen by somebody,
then, and be loved anyhow –
this is a human offering
that can border on miraculous.
Elizabeth Gilbert

Channels for Sharing

 

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To those who love me:

Had I been told as a teenager my life would turn out this well, I wouldn’t have believed it. While no stranger to pain and heartache, so much good has come to me through the years. I’m grateful. However, it’s so easy to let gratefulness become more knowledge than a sense of things. Grateful can unconsciously become more noun than verb. True gratitude should be action in the present. I’m relearning that.

Being blessed with comfort and possessions, I humbly ask any loved one who is considering giving me a gift for Christmas to reconsider the item. Instead of buying a gift do something simple: give to someone in need, make a craft; a meal (or certificate for one in the future); written good luck wished in a bottle thrown from shore; a kind word of appreciation; share time together;  remember to call on the holiday or any effort that is given from the heart and not a store rack. And if all you do is think of me kindly on the holiday that will be more than enough.

My most hoped for gifts this holiday season are to love and be loved. For every smidgen of affection and caring I receive year round, I am grateful.

We are not cisterns made for hoarding;
we are channels made for sharing.
Billy Graham

What I Learned About Love the Hard Way

First posted on August 10, 2011  

 1 – Who you marry will affect your life more than you can imagine.  Your life may be better for your choice, worse because of your choice or both at different times.

2 – Divorce hurts more than you can imagine.  If love is truly present it is a kind of death that takes forever.

3 – It really is not difficult to fall in love; it is difficult to stay in love.

4 – There is NO one “soul mate” for each of us in the world.  As a person evolves, grows and changes there are many possibilities over time.

5 – Being swept off your feet by another person is more about what you feel inside about yourself than what the other person feels about you.

6 – Intimacy takes a long time to grow and develop.  It can become very strong, yet it will always be very fragile.  What takes years to build can be destroyed in seconds or with a single choice.

7 – Forgiving is a choice and one you make just as much for yourself as the other person.  Often forgiving someone else is far easier than forgiving your self.

8 – Some of the greatest growth of our lives is in love relationships and a good deal of it comes from pain and heartache.

9 – Just because a good relationship does not last forever does not mean it did not work.  It just means it lasted for its time.

10 – Be sure to learn from a past bad relationship.  What you do not learn will be a lesson taught to you again.

11 – If someone is worth your love, then love them without reservation or restriction.  Give your complete heart.  Don’t hold back.  Give your all.  Giving only part of yourself will only get you a part of the other person.

12 – Every time you loved and were loved there is no mistake.  It was a gift no matter how things may have turned out.

13 – There are few ways in a loving relationship to hurt someone more than being unfaithful.  The wound may heal but there will ALWAYS be a scar.

14 – Don’t fall in love with who you think a person might be someday.  There is a good chance they never will be.  Only fall in love with who someone is now.

15 – No matter how much love is present, you will have bad times.  You will fight, you will disagree, and you will have problems.  It is the human condition.

16 – You can’t love someone you don’t like.

17 – Scars from past love only tell you where you have been.  Be careful judging a present relationship with them.

18 – No person can be everything to you, nor can you be everything to any one person.

19 – No one is perfect.  If you can’t see past some imperfection and bad habits you will be miserable in every relationship.

20 – Everyone wants to be loved, but some people do not know how to love you back.

21 – If you are not a good listener in a relationship, you won’t be heard when you speak.

22 – Secrets are poison and will damage a relationship at the very least and at the most, destroy it.

23 – Let unimportant things go.  Give in.  Forget about it.  If you don’t, you’ll end fighting much more than you should.

24 – Loving someone does not make them a better person.  It makes you a better person.

I am grateful to know these things now.  Lessons learned the hard way, are lessons learned best.  There is deep thankfulness for the ones who loved me who were my teachers.

There is no remedy for love
but to love more.
Henry David Thoreau

Random Musings on Love

lonely-man-walkingMy heart is open. That is why it can be easily hurt. This does not mean I am weak. Rather, it means I have the courage, in spite of fear, to love with all my heart.

Why do we fall in love knowing that it almost never works out? Simply because we have hope it will or at least that it might.

If there is love, there is always love. We may never see a person again, but true love inscribes itself on the heart like initials carved on a tree. Time weathers it; darkens it and even diminishes it, but the inscription of love always remains. We yearn for true love that’s past in spite of the passing of time.

No matter how long you are gone, you’ll know that I love you and I’ll know that you love me. Love is never past. It is only unpracticed.

Yes, I can fall in love again, but know that love will be intermingled with all the love I have felt before. And in that way the love I can feel for you will be bigger because like a magnet it will attract and bond with my broken pieces of love.

You are pretty. You are fun. You are exciting. And you are dangerous. Why do I love the latter so much?

Love amplifies and magnifies… everything. Good becomes better. Bad becomes worse. And if you’re lucky, you’ll find the pivot point between where love is balanced and can live long.

Love changes people. Loving someone good for you can inspire you to climb toward your highest self. Loving someone bad for you can make you fall to low depths you never wanted to visit. The people you choose to love will either cause you to climb or fall.

Only by making mistakes and hurting people can a person eventually discover the pain of being hurt. Through every wound inflicted an injury is caused to the self.

Love is beautiful and worth the burden of it. Love is the divine work of life. Nothing is more important.

Physical pleasure evaporates in moments almost as if it never happened. Love changes that and makes pleasure into joy that fades slowly.

Yes, I can love you. Can you love me? Can you see that my past is what made me the person I am? The one who loves you. If you love me, truly love me… those I knew and what I did before are necessary because through those experiences I became who I am. Isn’t that who you want to love? The person I am now?

Magic. Tragic. Amazingly beautiful. And horrifyingly ugly; four corners of love. Knowing that, can you still love me without reservation or hesitation knowing I will bring all that to you?

The mystery of love
is greater than
the mystery of death.
Oscar Wilde