learning to be happy

Genuinely Open To Accept It

/ James Browning

We must accept finite disappointment,
but never lose infinite hope.
Martin Luther King, Jr.

We all make plans, have dreams, and set goals. Will our plans materialize or end in complete failure? The only thing certain about life is uncertainty. So, our frail attempts may end in glorious victory or frustrating defeat. Such is the nature of life. We are destined to engage in a series of celebrations interspersed with a series of disappointments. Because of this, it is important to learn how to deal with disappointment. Martin Luther King, Jr. suggests one way of coping; mainly, by accepting it. After all, disappointment occurs in just one moment of time. And hope, or the understanding that future successes will follow, lightens its burden.

The word disappointment is made up of DIS and APPOINTMENT. DIS means separate, apart, or asunder. So, disappointment describes a feeling of dissatisfaction or anguish, which is experienced when we are torn apart from our expected appointment with fate. Yet, we don’t have to experience pain when things don’t go our way. The negativity surrounding disappointment exists not in the real world, but only in our mind. It is not the event, but our interpretation of it that causes pain.

Every time I take a walk with a friend named Will he always finds coins in the street and on the sidewalk. Mainly pennies, but sometimes nickels, dimes, and quarters. Hundreds of people walk by unaware of the change beneath their feet. So why is it that (he), who could use the extra money, always seems to find it? There’s no mysterious force at work here. Just common sense. Will finds the money because he’s looking for it! This is just a simple illustration of an important principle of life, which is WE FIND WHAT WE LOOK FOR. When things don’t go as I had hoped they would, is that bad? It is if I look for something bad. If I am slammed on the head by disappointment, is that good? Yes, it is, if I look for something good. We find what we look for.

You will not enjoy or win at cards if all you do is complain about the hand you’re dealt. Expect nothing more from life than what it offers and you will never be let down. Welcome the opportunities it provides by making the most of the cards you’re dealt. Also, don’t forget to feed your mind with positive thoughts by reading good books. Then make those thoughts your own by reflecting on them. When you understand them, you will fill your mind with light. Apply what you learn by practicing it.

Abandon childish demands and foolish expectations. Are you looking for the perfect mate? If you are, you’re sure to be disappointed. For only God is perfect. We mortals are imperfect. If you can accept that, you can eliminate much unnecessary misery from your life.
From “Dealing With Disappointment” by Chuck Gallozzi
http://www.personal-development.com/chuck/disappointment.htm

My gratitude this morning is for stumbling across Mr. Gallozzi’s article I saved a good while back. It is a perfect kick-start for Monday. Amazing how what I need comes to me when I am genuinely open to accept it.

Acceptance of one’s life has nothing to do with resignation;
it does not mean running away from the struggle.
On the contrary, it means accepting it as it comes,
with all the handicaps of heredity, of suffering,
of psychological complexes and injustices.
Paul Tournier

Speak To Me Through Time

/ James Browning

Seneca was a Roman statesman and philosopher during the reign of emperors that history holds as out of control and probably insane, like Caligula and Nero. I have wondered if the craziness he lived through and ultimately claimed his life, contributed to how wise Seneca was. Difficulty and pain has a way of being a good teacher and that seems evident in the thinking he left us, like this just below

True happiness is to enjoy the present,
without anxious dependence upon the future,
not to amuse ourselves with either hopes or fears
but to rest satisfied with what we have, which is sufficient,
for he that is so wants nothing.
The greatest blessings of mankind are within us and within our reach.
A wise man is content with his lot,
whatever it may be,
without wishing for what he has not.

Today is one of those days that simple and shortly expressed, but deep gratitude is what I needed to put here. The old philosophers such as Seneca (both the son who wrote what’s above or his father before him), Socrates, Epictetus, Plato, Aristotle, Epicurus and Confucius left wisdom behind I am still discovering and finding more truth within the longer I live. I give thanks for the great thinkers who speak to me through time and lend their wisdom now hundreds, even thousands years later.

Just an observation:
It is impossible to be both grateful and depressed.
Those with a grateful mindset tend to see the message in the mess.
And even though life may knock them down,
the grateful find reasons, if even small ones, to get up.
Steve Maraboli

We Are All Perfectly Imperfect

/ James Browning

Although I began hearing the term “perfectly imperfect” early on in my recovery from depression and compulsion, it took a long while to see the depth of meaning of that two-word combination. Early on all I took it be was a clever term used by therapists. It took time and a gained perspective of the combined definition of the words for me to ‘get it”.

Perfect: Having all the required or desirable elements, qualities, or characteristics; as good as it is possible to be. Lacking nothing essential to the whole.

Imperfect: characterized by defects, weaknesses, faults or mistakes; incomplete or unfinished; deficient, not complete in all its parts; deficient.

Perfectly Imperfect: Having all the required or desirable qualities and lacking nothing essential, but unfinished and characterized by weaknesses, faults and mistakes.

We have all heard that no two snowflakes are alike. Each snowflake takes the perfect form for the maximum efficiency and effectiveness for its journey. And while the universal force of gravity gives them a shared destination, the expansive space in the air gives each snowflake the opportunity to take their own path. They are on the same journey, but each takes a different path.

Along this gravity-driven journey, some snowflakes collide and damage each other, some collide and join together, some are influenced by wind… there are so many transitions and changes that take place along the journey of the snowflake. But, no matter what the transition, the snowflake always finds itself perfectly shaped for its journey.

I find parallels in nature to be a beautiful reflection of grand orchestration. One of these parallels is of snowflakes and us. We, too, are all headed in the same direction. We are being driven by a universal force to the same destination. We are all individuals taking different journeys and along our journey, we sometimes bump into each other, we cross paths, we become altered… But at all times we too are 100% perfectly imperfect.

At every given moment we are absolutely perfect for what is required for our journey. I’m not perfect for your journey and you’re not perfect for my journey, but I’m perfect for my journey and you’re perfect for your journey. We’re heading to the same place, we’re taking different routes, but we’re both exactly perfect the way we are.

Think of what understanding this great orchestration could mean for relationships. Imagine interacting with others knowing that they too each share this parallel with the snowflake. Like you, they are headed to the same place and no matter what they may appear like to you, they have taken the perfect form for their journey. How strong our relationships would be if we could see and respect that we are all perfectly imperfect for our journey. From “Life, the Truth, and Being Free” by Steve Maraboli

In coming to recognize my imperfections there came a broader and deeper view of my “self”. Without that vantage point my growth would be stymied much like a bricklayer making a wall with imperfect bricks but not knowing it. In time the wall will fall down if he does not compensate for the imperfections. Until I began to see and accept my flaws and defects nothing could be done about them.  I am grateful for a much clearer perception of my “complete self” today that has helped me attain a good level of contentment and balance.  All in all, I no more and no less than uniquely myself.

That which causes us trials shall yield us triumph:
and that which make our hearts ache shall fill us with gladness.
The only true happiness is to learn, to advance, and to improve:
which could not happen unless we had commence with
error, ignorance, and imperfection.
We must pass through the darkness, to reach the light.
Albert Pike

Four Miles Wide and Twenty-Two Miles Long

/ James Browning

That photo above was the view from the balcony of the apartment where I lived on a Caribbean island for a good bit of 2004-2005. That experience of close to a year taught me many things and one of the most important was how little of my “stuff” actually matters. All I had on the island was a few suitcases full of my things that got added to on trips back and forth ‘state-side’. When I moved back everything for my then wife and I fit into four suitcases and ten boxes we shipped home.

Satellite television existed when we first arrived on the island, but within six weeks a hurricane took that away. The remainder of the time was without television, except for a few VHS tapes filled with slow speed recorded programming that arrived from family from time to time. I did not miss watching the ‘tube’.

Our home on the island was furnished, but simply decorated. Never did I miss all the ‘bric-a-brac’ and ‘what-nots’ that fill my home today, nor did I miss the perpetual dusting and care such things require.

Having taken few valuables to the Caribbean in the first place, there was little worry about such things being lost or stolen. There was a simplicity about that I miss.

The clothing brought on-island was simple garb fitting of living on a palm treed island. Never did I need a sport coat or a tie (I didn’t bring any in the first place). Having brought only a small portion of my total clothing it was insightful that I missed the rest so very little.

Internet service ‘on-island” was very slow even when we had it and downloads were just not possible. Not a lot of time was spent ‘on-line’ although before the island a good bit of my time was spent that way.  I swear I was calmer and more relaxed without it!

What did I miss? Books and music. While an ample supply traveled to Grand Cayman with me, the majority of both libraries stayed home. Digital music made my yearning for music bearable as I brought a hard drive filled with tunes.

Leisure time was spent mostly reading and it did not take long to get through all the books that traveled to the island. Because of the weight, I had not brought lots of reading material in the first place. I did discover a little book store that helped fill that need and broadened the scope of what I was reading with the eclectic variety they carried.

Most of all, I longed for friends and family. Not seeing a handful of people I loved and was accustomed to spending time with was the most challenging. Inattention to relationships can cause them to sag a bit over time. Thankfully I was able to pick up with where we had left off previously, but it still took time to get back into the full rhythm of the relationships.

Books, music, friends and family I learned are my greatest treasures. I am grateful for that heuristic lesson discovered in the Caribbean on a little island about four miles wide and twenty-two miles long. “Ya-mon!”

It ain’t about the money.
It ain’t about the time.
It ain’t about the love you lost,
Or the things you think you left behind.
It ain’t about your losing streak,
That makes you feel like you’re falling apart
What matters is the heart.
From “What Matters” by Edwin McCain

Swallowing the Bitter Pill

/ James Browning

I am not bad person. Never have I intentionally hurt others. Yet, unintentionally, through selfishness, dysfunction and compulsion I have deeply hurt some of the ones I have cared about most.

Graphically illustrated, that’s in line with the difference between murder and man slaughter. Maybe the latter crime is considered to be less, but a killer is still a killer whether deliberate or not. No matter what contributing factors there may have been, I am responsible for what I do.  Nothing can diminish that. Part of taking responsibility for my past actions is swallowing the bitter pill of knowing I’m guilty of the pain I caused, regardless of whether I did nor did not mean to cause the hurt.

Acceptance of the past is a big step in moving beyond it. The realization was critical in getting unstuck from the past.  Today I can look back and see the results of my actions while not beating myself up too badly about it. My self-disgust of my past used to be brutal. Today it is mostly scar tissue from healed wounds. That’s huge and a healthy move of self-forgiveness. I have learned it’s near impossible to forgive others when I can’t forgive myself.

I have learned that the person I have to ask for forgiveness from the most is: myself. You must love yourself. You have to forgive yourself, everyday, whenever you remember a shortcoming, a flaw; you have to tell yourself “That’s just fine”. You have to forgive yourself so much, until you don’t even see those things anymore. Because that’s what love is like. C. Joybell C.

Forgiveness is not about forgetting. It is about letting go of another person’s throat… Forgiveness does not create a relationship. Unless people speak the truth about what they have done and change their mind and behavior, a relationship of trust is not possible. When you forgive someone you certainly release them from judgment, but without true change, no real relationship can be established… Forgiveness in no way requires that you trust the one you forgive. But should they finally confess and repent, you will discover a miracle in your own heart that allows you to reach out and begin to build between you a bridge of reconciliation… Forgiveness does not excuse anything… You may have to declare your forgiveness a hundred times the first day and the second day, but the third day will be less and each day after, until one day you will realize that you have forgiven completely. W. Paul Young

Self-forgiveness is a long process of intentional erosion of guilt for a wrong I hold me responsible for. Much like receiving a reduced sentence in a court of law, to personally lighten my self-imposed retribution for a past transgression is when I begin to heal. I am grateful at this point in my life I have the ability to let go of most of the past and be largely alive in the present.

Forgiveness is the fragrance
that the violet sheds
on the heel that has crushed it.
Mark Twain

500th Good Morning Gratitude Posting

/ James Browning

Desiderada Too
Found in a South Australian kitchen.

Don’t go placidly amid the apathy and lethargy. Remember that your silence is consent and there can be no peace where there is injustice.

You can’t please all the people all the time, so shout your truth from the mountain top and don’t accept nonsense from the bigoted, the ignorant and the self-serving.

Don’t avoid people who are upset. They may have good reasons and your care and interest may make them less aggressive.

Be tolerant of the diversity that makes everyone special and be aware that there are no persons greater or lesser than yourself.

Don’t live in the past or future. Enjoy the present.

Don’t become obsessed by your own career. It cannot give you security or possession of anything or anyone.

Exercise trust in your dealings but be circumspect, as the world is full of materialists.

Become yourself. Express affection for all people and all species.

Be skeptical about romance for it is as transient as a summer flower.

Don’t become tired in your ways and never surrender your sense of wonder. Don’t be defensive. Be optimistic and imaginative.

Fatigue and loneliness are born of fear. Be rigorous in accepting responsibility for your actions and their consequences.

You are a child of your less than perfect parents and like the trees and the stars your time will pass. And whether or not it is clear to you, things are not working out nearly as well as they could.

Whatever you conceive God to be, also be aware that every single thing you do actually changes the world. Dreams cannot be broken and they will give you no peace if you don’t act with integrity.

Unfortunately, this world is becoming uglier each day.

Be brave.

Strive for the right of all people to make their own paths.

Copyright 1992 Andrew Bunney.

True peace can rarely be imposed from the outside;
it must be born within…  and then carried outward
Jean Vanier 

A New Way to Remember

/ James Browning

My dysfunctions have been with me all of my adult life. However, conditions like depression, compulsion and trauma from childhood were not clearly known to me until the last ten years.  When I began to ask “why” particular behaviors came over me in certain circumstances and situations, a true effort to educate myself started. In trying to understand some of my actions, I read book after book after book.

My studies were primarily two-fold: 1) about human behavior and why we do the things we do 2) about religion and how spirituality affects a person. Over several years I became fairly well-educated in the realm of psychology and generally knowledgeable about the origins of a wide number of religions and the spiritual practices that grew out of them. After all this time I was smarter and quite a bit kinder to others, but inside I was not a whole lot better.

Of particular attraction to me were some of the basic tenants of Buddhism. There I found direction about learning to live a better life contained within the “Eightfold Noble Path”.

 

This on top of the “Ten Commandments” of Christianity became a sort of roadmap for improving the quality my existence. Other teachings of Buddha helped me as well such as I was not my thoughts and how my constantly chattering mind can at times create insane lines of thinking. Having these insights made me more knowledgeable and I did get better, just not enough to overcome my demons.

…The problems of the mind cannot be solved on the level of the mind. Once you have understood the basic dysfunction there isn’t really much else that you need to learn or understand. Studying the complexities of the mind may make you a good psychologist, but doing so won’t take you beyond the mind, just as the study of madness isn’t enough to create sanity… From the second chapter of Eckhart Tolle’s “Power of Now”

What Tolle wrote explains well the dilemma I ended up lost within. Alone, I could not fix myself. I needed help. In some ways I wish I could say that realization came to me easily, but it didn’t. It took the ending of a marriage I did not want to be over and coming to face to face with the reasons why that were my responsibility. What I came to know is all of my romantic relationships had suffered because of childhood issues that had never been dealt with. It was like being hit in the head with a ‘two by four” that brought me to my knees determined to recover.

When the pain to stay the same, exceeded the pain to change, I sought help and truly began to grow and change. There is nothing particularly admirable about it. I simply felt I had no other choice.

Today life is pretty darn good and certainly better than ever before. Am I “fixed”? No, far from it. But I am a lot better and as the months pass, I continue to grow. The past is past, but I recall it differently today as containing my greatest lessons.  With true positive anticipation and hope for the future, I am grateful to be where I am!

Forgiving does not erase the bitter past.
A healed memory is not a deleted memory.
Instead, forgiving what we cannot forget
creates a new way to remember.
We change the memory of our past into a hope for our future.
Lewis B. Smedes

Eleven Hints For Life

/ James Browning

1. It hurts to love someone and not be loved in return. But what is more painful is to love someone and never find the courage to let that person know how you feel.

2. A sad thing in life is when you meet someone who means a lot to you, only to find out in the end that it was never meant to be and you just have to let go.

3. The best kind of friend is the kind you can sit on a porch swing with, never say a word, and then walk away feeling like it was the best conversation you’ve ever had.

4. It’s true that we don’t know what we’ve got until we loseit, but it’s also true that we don’t know what we’ve been missing until it arrives.

5. It takes only a minute to get a crush on someone, an hour to like someone, and a day to love someone – but it takes a lifetime to forget someone.

6. Don’t go for looks, they can deceive. Don’t go for wealth, even that fades away. Go for someone who makes you smile because it takes only a smile to make a dark day seem bright.

7. Dream what you want to dream, go where you want to go, be what you want to be. Because you have only one life and one chance to do all the things you want to do.

8. Always put yourself in the other’s shoes. If you feel that it hurts you, it probably hurts the person too.

9. A careless word may kindle strife. A cruel word may wreck a life. A timely word may level stress. But a loving word may heal and bless.

10. The happiest of people don’t necessarily have the best of everything they just make the most of everything that comes along their way.

11. Love begins with a smile, grows with a kiss, ends with a tear. When you were born, you were crying and everyone around you was smiling. Live your life so that when you die,  the one smiling and everyone around you is crying. 
Unknown

Life has taught me well.  The  joy and good times leave permanent impressions.  The difficult and previous leave their marks.  Each a balance for the other.  I am grateful for the full spectrum of experience my life has and yet will contain.

The tragedy of life is not that it ends so soon,
but that we wait so long to begin it.
W. M. Lewis

Cultivating Awe

/ James Browning

A jaw-dropping moment really can make time appear to stand still – or at least slow down, new research suggests. Regular “awesome” experiences may also improve our mental health and make us nicer people, claim psychologists. 

Awe is the emotion felt when encountering something so vast and overwhelming it alters one’s mental perspective. Examples might include experiencing a breathtaking view of the Grand Canyon, taking in the ethereal beauty of the Northern Lights, or becoming lost in a dazzling display of stars on a clear, dark night.

The new research found that by fixing the mind to the present moment, awe seems to slow down perceived time. Studies on groups of volunteers showed that experiencing awe made people feel they had more time to spare. This in turn led them to be more patient, less materialistic, and more willing to give up time to help others.

Writing in the journal Psychological Science, the scientists led by Melanie Rudd, from Stanford University in California, concluded: “People increasingly report feeling time-starved, which exacts a toll on health and well-being.”

Drawing on research showing that being in the present moment elongates time perception, we predicted and found that experiencing awe, relative to other states, caused people to perceive they have more time available and lessened impatience.”

“Furthermore, by altering time perception, feeling awe led participants to more strongly desire to spend time helping others and partake in experiential goods over material ones. “A small dose of awe even gave participants a momentary boost in life satisfaction. Thus, these results also have implications for how people spend their time, and underscore the importance and promise of cultivating awe in everyday life.”

Previous studies have linked “lack of time” feelings with an increased risk of high blood pressure as well as headaches, stomach pains and poor sleep quality. Time pressure is also linked to eating unhealthy fast-food diet, failing to engage in leisure experiences, and depression.

The researches added: “Our studies… demonstrated that awe can be elicited by a walk down memory lane, brief story, or even a 60-second commercial. “Therefore, awe-eliciting experiences might offer one effective solution to the feelings of time-starvation that plague so many people in modern life.”  From The Telegraph Birmingham, England

Time isn’t precious at all, because it is an illusion.
What you perceive as precious is not time
but the one point that is out of time: the Now.
That is precious indeed.
The more you are focused on time
—past and future—
the more you miss the Now,
the most precious thing there is.
Eckhart Tolle

White Knight, Boy Scout or Good Guy

/ James Browning

My ghosts are still around, but thankfully not as prevalent as they once were. Even when my past is conjured up, I don’t get stuck there for long periods of time as I once did. The echoes of my past mostly sleep until something bushes up against my recall. Like last night…

My best bud M. and I attended a concert last night to see Motley Crue and Kiss. While not a big fan of either, I do enjoy performance art and was not disappointed. Early on came my notice that two rows in front of me was a woman who looked like a girl whose heart I broke badly over thirty years ago. She didn’t “kinda” resemble the one I hurt; she was the spitting image of her when she was 20 years old! I looked again and again at the woman/girl from different angles and my impression was always the same. She looked just like Anna! While some regret will always remain, the realization came that I had reached peace within for the injury I caused her. A while back I wrote here about what I did:  https://goodmorninggratitude.com/2011/08/17/apology-to-anna/

Later between bands at the concert, I glanced around and coming up the stairs ten feet away from me was a woman who strongly resembled another whose heart got broken from being involved with me. Although we had some great times, R. and I were not good for each other from the very beginning. We were both drowning in our own issues while trying to hold on to the other to keep from sinking. The face and body shape of the woman on the stairs was a reminder that threw me back into my regret for how things turned out. She won’t even speak to me today. Still working on forgiving myself for that one, but found the memory last evening came with more serenity than before. That’s progress.

The third memorable sight from the concert last night was a man and woman across the aisle from where I was seated. At first they seemed to be having a good time. With her back to his front they were looking at the stage while dancing with the music and smiling ear to ear. A short while later I glanced over as he began to overtly grope her. First he was grabbing her breasts.  She repeatedly swatted his hand away and smiled nervously. Soon after he began shoving his hand between her jean covered legs. She squirmed and pushed him away with a look somewhere between fear and disgust on her face. Trying not to stare, the next time I looked up he was gone and she was sitting down looking sad and disappointed. The fun was over for her. She just stared at the stage lost in thought from then on and left early with the female friend she was sitting with.

I was angry with the guy for his complete lack of respect for the woman and felt sorry for her. Then I tied it all together; the earlier reminders of the two women I had hurt along with what I had just witnessed across the aisle. While I never disrespected the two I hurt in the way the groping man did her, some of my behavior was just was contemptuous in its own way.

All in all I did not end up lost in remorse last night. Rather, I was simply reminded of what I have done and of what not to do. My reactions show me I have come far. My deeds can’t be undone, but they are no longer transgressions I can’t think about without getting distressed. There is a sort of melancholy peace within that allows me to learn from my past.

A reminder I am left with today is to always show respect for a woman. Whether others see what I do does not matter! How I treat a woman states loudly and boldly how I feel about myself. I am grateful to know at my core is finally the “white knight”, the “boy scout” or the “good guy” I always knew I could be.

Don’t rely on someone else for your happiness and self-worth.
Only you can be responsible for that.
If you can’t love and respect yourself –
no one else will be able to make that happen.
Accept who you are – completely; the good and the bad
and make changes as YOU see fit –
not because you think someone else wants you to be different.
Stacey Charter