feelings

Three Blinks and a Sneeze

/ James Browning

old-lady-driverr612x344Her expression was that of a frightened seven-year old girl as she sat there in the front seat of the car. The look was one you’d expect to see on a youngster’s face who was sitting outside the principle’s office. Starring forward she never moved her head as I passed. The police car behind with its lights on signaled all was not well.

When first I saw the police car and the vehicle in front of it, I was nearing the intersection of two four-lane city streets. At the traffic light there was a long left hand turn lane that could probably hold a dozen cars with a concrete barrier around it about ten inches high. Just before it was another similar, but smaller, turn lane for the same direction that might hold two cars before they turned into a business parking lot. This too had concrete separating it from the other lanes.

At first glance the car with the “frightened girl” in it looked to be okay, but as I came beside it I saw a blown out tire and a broken front wheel bent sideways. The entire vehicle, with the exception of the passenger side back wheel, was up on top of the concrete barrier. The driver was barely tall enough to see over the driver’s wheel and I suspect she mistook the first small turn lane to be the beginning of the larger one. She had run smack dab into concrete barrier and her car bounced to be almost completely on top of it.

The person driving the car was not actually a seven-year old girl, but an elderly woman I suspect had entered a portion of her second childhood sometime back, or at the very least had failing eyesight.

What touched me about the scene that was in my view for no more than seconds was the thought that came to mind: “I bet this is the day she loses her driver’s license”. Make no mistake; I am all for getting people off the highway who can no longer operate a vehicle safely. It was my empathy for her and the realization that one day it might be me who loses his right to drive that etched the moment in my psyche. Assuming it is my good fortune to make it to an advanced age, it will still be twenty-five years or more before age-wise I catch up with the elderly woman.

Life has taught me that two decades and a half can pass in what feels little more than three blinks and a sneeze. Twenty five years ago I was thirty-four years old and it feels like that should be only six or eight years ago. But it is not so.

If the old lady driving the car is an unsafe driver she should lose her license. Yet, I can empathize with her as age has already taken some things from me like the inability to read without glasses or being as physically resilient and capable as I once was. It is not lamenting the older portion of life that is before me that caused this subject to be top of mind this morning. Rather, being exposed to the little old lady’s accident served as a wake up call to appreciate every day and all that is within each one.

Aging as an adult either makes you humble or pisses you off. Sometimes it does both. For me being upset is usually momentary and the humility that follows rings true and lasting. There is where my gratitude is rooted; a strong base of humility that grows richer with time.

For all I have been and all I will be; for every experience encountered and each one that is my destiny to yet go through, I am thankful. Gratefulness is to life what fertilizer is to a plant; it enables stronger and more resilient growth.

When I can look Life in the eyes,
Grown calm and very coldly wise,
Life will have given me the Truth,
And taken in exchange – my youth.
Sara Teasdale

Memory of the Heart

/ James Browning

gratitude 20Two psychologists, Michael McCollough of Southern Methodist University in Dallas, Texas, and Robert Emmons of the University of California at Davis, wrote an article about an experiment they conducted on gratitude and its impact on well-being. The study split several hundred people into three different groups and all of the participants were asked to keep daily diaries.

The first group kept a diary of the events that occurred during the day without being told specifically to write about either good or bad things; the second group was told to record their unpleasant experiences; and the last group was instructed to make a daily list of things for which they were grateful.

The results of the study indicated that daily gratitude exercises resulted in higher reported levels of alertness, enthusiasm, determination, optimism, and energy. In addition, those in the gratitude group experienced less depression and stress, were more likely to help others, exercised more regularly, and made greater progress toward achieving personal goals. http://www.thechangeblog.com/gratitude/

Simple things I am grateful for this morning selected randomly from top of mind:
– At night in bed how good the cool side of the pillow feels when I turn it over.
– The taste of coffee from the pot at home I am most accustomed to.
– Getting to skip shaving on the weekend and on vacation.
– Reading that takes me all around the world; to the future and the past.
– How good it feels to see a good friend I have not seen in a long time.
– A favorite food prepared just like I remember it from childhood.
– Cold weather on the first chilly day of the season.
– Clouds when I notice them they are always beautiful.
– My favorite flavors of ice cream
– Getting hugs from people I care about.
– Offers of help without having to ask.
– Music, music, music. I can’t image life without it.
– Poetry that soothes my heart and brightens my imagination.
– Quiet moments at home when I can sit, meditate and hear nothing.
– Rain! It is one of my favorite things about nature.
– Showers. Few things feel so good you can talk about with just anyone.
– Indoor toilets (I was ten years old before we had one growing up).
– Fresh flowers. 98% of the time there’s a vase full in my home.
– My computer that allows me to write this.
– Laughing because it always makes me feel better.
– Air conditioning and central heat.

Begin your day by feeling grateful. Be grateful for the bed you just slept in, the roof over your head, the carpet or floor under your feet, the running water, the soap, your shower, your toothbrush, your clothes, your shoes, the refrigerator that keeps your food cold, the car that you drive, your job, your friends. Be grateful for the stores that make it so easy to buy the things you need, the restaurants, the utilities, services, and electrical appliances that make your life effortless. Be grateful for the magazines and the books that you read. Be grateful for the chair that you sit on, and the pavement that you walk on. Be grateful for the weather, the sun, the sky, the birds, the trees, the grass, the rain, and the flowers. From The Secret Daily Teachings

I am thankful to have learned about the great gift of being grateful. It has changed my life beyond my ability to explain it.

Gratitude is the memory of the heart.
Jean Baptiste Massieu

Courage Enough To Step Through My Fear

/ James Browning

afraidoflove2What a dichotomy it is to want to be loved, yet fearful of it beyond explanation. Such a condition is called “love avoidance” and it’s a dysfunction I know for my own. It’s a form of “love addiction” and feels like slowly starving even though there is food within reach.

Dr. Janice Caudill wrote, Love avoidance is the systematic putting up of walls in a relationship to prevent feeling emotionally overwhelmed by another person. Consequently, it prevents true intimacy. It can be described as a form of emotional anorexia.

First hand I know love avoidants are romantics. Thirsting for love they spend a lot of time thinking about love and imagining being loved. However, when love arrives in not too long a time the walls begin to go up against it. Sounds crazy doesn’t it. A love avoidant looks for love constantly but runs away when it finds him or her. That the lunacy I lived with for far too long.

Love entered in my heart one day
A sad, unwelcome guest.
But when it begged that it might stay
I let it stay and rest

It broke my nights with sorrowing
It filled my heart with fears
And, when my soul was prone to sing,
It filled my eyes with tears.

But…now that it has gone its way,
I miss the dear ole pain.
And, sometimes, in the night I pray
That Love might come again.
J. California Cooper

Many wounded adults actually avoid love, becoming restless around persons who might provide genuine care and nurturing. In these cases, the closer the adult comes to obtaining the reality of love, the more they will push their partners away. This move, becoming avoidant and trying to create emotional distance within the relationship, is fueled by a fear of intimacy. Some love avoidants push away love as a test to see if their partner will continue to love them even when they are acting disagreeable or unpleasant. This behavior is a result of the conditional and irregular love the wounded adult experienced as children from their caregivers.

The struggle for the love avoidant is that he/she, like anyone else, wants to feel love and closeness. Regardless of what the past emotional, physical and/or sexual wounds might be, there is still an intrinsic desire for the security and affection and healing that comes from love.

For most love avoidants, they are very good at beginning relationships, but horrible at keeping and maintaining a relationship. There is a lot of pulling in and pushing out – pulling in their love interest and then once the connection happens and the relationship becomes deeper, they push their partner away. Douglas Dobberfuhl

It’s said that knowing is half the battle. Today my love avoidant tendencies are not nearly as pronounced as they once were. A good therapist, growing awareness of my habits and consistent work to amend them has made a remarkable difference in my life. Am I cured? Heck no; never will be completely. But I am deeply grateful for the more open heart that lives within me today. It has been a hard-fought battle against myself, but today I have courage enough to step through my fear and let love in.

Of all the events of my life,
inclusive of its afflictions,
nothing has humbled me
so much as your love.
Elizabeth Barrett to Robert Browning

The Great Adventure

/ James Browning

through the forestHelen Keller once wrote: “Character cannot be developed in ease and quiet. Only through experience of trial and suffering can the soul be strengthened, vision cleared, ambition inspired and success achieved.”

The trial and suffering of growing older has changed my perspective, especially about myself. It was an old habit to try to put a happy face on most everything. When I was down the feelings were hidden from others. Emotional anguish was rarely shown except when those feelings got lose to be a tidal wave aimed at someone. My opinions expressed were most often those which generally went along with the group I was with. Rarely did I express dissenting thoughts and worst yet, often I was unsure what my opinion really was.

I always used to try to be as perfect as I could because I felt so deeply imperfect. It was like a part of me was missing that I never seemed to be able to find. A sense of incompleteness dogged me into all I did.

That was then and this is now. Here are a few lessons my best tutor called “life” has taught me in the “school of hard knocks”.

1. Others don’t cause me to feel inferior. Almost all the time making me feel less than is an habitual inside job.
2. All of us falls apart once in a while. It’s part of gaining a fresh perspective on things.
3. Everyone wonders if they look good enough to others. Lesson learned is most others are barely paying attention to me
4. No one has all the answers all the time. Some answers never come and that is normal.
5. Life is not a puzzle where all the pieces fit. Living is an irregular experience. Otherwise each life lived could not be unique.
6. Crying once in a while is normal. If it’s been months since I last shed a tear, something is wrong.
7. No one has life fully under control and knows all the answers. Allowing me to think others do is a lie told to myself.
8. Trying to look quite young when you’re older makes a mature person look immature. Looking good for my age is more important than appearing twenty years younger.
9. Life passes quickly, more so with age. It’s important not to put off my life’s “can’t not do’s” for too long.
10. Taking a “personal day” for mental health is not screwing off. One in a while getting “emotional flu” is normal as is self-care to get through it.

Aging is not a steady neurological dive… We assume that because memory speed and efficiency decline, all of cognition declines, but, for example, studies have shown that seniors actually have better retention of what they read and are less emotionally reactive when viewing negative images. Older individuals tend to have greater wisdom, the capacity for deep, intimate relationships, and an incredible potential for artistic creativity. (Case in point: Dancer Martha Graham choreographed 10 new ballets from age 75 until her death at 96.) Also, they simply have a more positive outlook on life… There’s a sense of Happiness and contentment when you’re older that you just don’t have when you’re younger. http://www.psychologytoday.com/articles/201110/lifes-new-timeline

Slowly I have arrived at a hypothesis that the last third of life can be the absolute best. The first step is to accept the age I am and stop wishing to be otherwise. Occasionally I think about being in my 20’s again and quickly think “no thanks, too much change and chaos”. How about the 30’s and my response is “nope, that’s the decade of being too self focused through work and other interests. How about being 40 something again which is “a little tempting, but was a decade of denial that brought life crashing down on me later”. Being in my 50’s I am certain I don’t want to do this decade again because “it has been filled with painful growth and a revolution of my core thinking”.

So where does that leave me at fifty-nine years old? Looking forward to my 60’s 70’s, 80’s and beyond with hopes good health stays with me. I am deeply grateful for the great adventure my life has been so far. From the dark emotional jungles to the scorching heat in the deserts of the unknown, I am grateful for it all.

Life is about trusting your feelings
and taking chances,
losing and finding happiness,
appreciating the memories,
learning from the past,
and realizing people change.
Anonymous

Love Versus Fear

/ James Browning

Light_vs__Dark_by_environautLOVE IS UNCONDITIONAL (fear is conditional)

LOVE IS STRONG (fear is weak)

LOVE RELEASES (fear obligates)

LOVE SURRENDERS (fear binds)

LOVE IS HONEST (fear is deceitful)

LOVE TRUSTS (fear suspects)

LOVE ALLOWS (fear dictates)

LOVE GIVES (fear resists)

LOVE FORGIVES (fear blames)

LOVE IS COMPASSIONATE (fear pities)

LOVE CHOOSES (fear avoids)

LOVE IS KIND (fear is angry)

LOVE IGNITES (fear incites)

LOVE EMBRACES (fear repudiates)

LOVE CREATES (fear negates)

LOVE HEALS (fear hurts)

LOVE IS MAGIC (fear is superstitious)

LOVE ENERGIZES (fear saps)

LOVE IS AN ELIXIR (fear is a poison)

LOVE INSPIRES (fear worries)

LOVE DESIRES (fear Joneses)

LOVE IS PATIENT (fear is nervous)

LOVE IS BRAVE (fear is afraid)

LOVE IS RELAXED (fear is pressured)

LOVE IS BLIND (fear is judgmental)

LOVE RESPECTS (fear disregards)

LOVE ACCEPTS (fear rejects)

LOVE DREAMS (fear schemes)

LOVE WANTS TO PLAY (fear needs to control)

LOVE ENJOYS (fear suffers)

LOVE FREES (fear imprisons)

LOVE BELIEVES (fear deceives)

LOVE “WANTS” (fear “needs”)

LOVE versus fear: what do you feel?

“Love Versus Fear” by storyteller and filmmaker Sarah Nean Bruce
http://tinybuddha.com/blog/love-versus-fear/
http://www.sarahneanbruce.com/

On occasion it is the simple that makes the deepest impression. Reading the statement “LOVE versus fear: what do you feel?” painted itself into my memory. The question and the statements before it will be handy to recall when I need help centering and sorting my feelings. My gratitude goes to Ms. Bruce for her uncomplicated list of what love is and what is only fear pretending to be something it’s not.

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.
Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.
It is our Light, not our Darkness, that most frightens us.
Marianne Williamson

Any Fool Can Know…

/ James Browning

truthAround eight years ago Deepak Chopra wrote “The Book of Secrets: Unlocking the Hidden Dimensions of Your Life”. I read when it was new, but upon reopening it realized most of the content had been forgotten. Research says we lose about 2/3’s of meaning of what we read within a few days. At best only about 10 percent remains long-term.

With Deepak’s book I doubt that I remembers 1% since I read it at a time of great turmoil in my life. Consequently, thumbing through my underlining in the book was an eye opener.  The moral of that realization?  Books can only reveal the broadest scope of their contents by repeated reads while in different frames of mind.

The concept of the book is described as: every life is a book of secrets, ready to be opened. The secret of perfect love is found there, along with the secrets of healing, compassion, faith, and the most elusive one of all: who we really are. We are still mysteries to ourselves, despite the proximity of these answers, and what we most long to know remains lodged deep inside.

The “second secret” in Deepak’s book contains what for me is a jewel of pure wisdom: I have no need to control anyone or anything: I can affect change by transforming the only thing that I ever had control of in the first place, which is myself.

The”fourth secret” covered in Chopra’s book is “What You Seek, You Already Are”. Here’s some of the passages I underlined:

  •   …seeking is another word for chasing after something.
  •   The spiritual secret that applies here is this: what you seek, you already are.
  •   The problem is that seeking begins with a false assumption.
  •   Seeking is doomed because it is a chase that takes you outside yourself.
  •   Don’t censor or deny what you feel: The road to freedom is not through feeling good; it is through feeling true to yourself.
  •   Be genuine …truth has the power to set aside what is false, and doing so can set us free.
  •   When I find myself being overshadowed by anything:
    * I say to myself, “This situation may be shaking me, but I am more than any situation.”
    * I take a deep breath and focus my attention on whatever my body is feeling.
    * I step back and see myself as another person would see me
    * I realize that my emotions are not reliable guides to what is permanent and real. …walk away.

Reading and learning something once is not enough. Only when the lesson and resulting knowledge sticks from practice and experience does it become meaningful. Intellectual knowledge unpracticed is actually a burden and a blinder that obscures my path and causes me to stumble while thinking “I know the way”.

Over and over and over… what I need comes into my path when I am open to receive it. It’s a repeated small miracle for how often that clarity has been shown to me recently. I get it; I ready do and accept the insight with much gratitude.

Any fool can know.
The point is to understand.
Albert Einstein

The Cloud and the Dune

/ James Browning

A young cloud was born in the midst of a great storm over the Mediterranean Sea, but he did not even have time to grow up there, for a strong wind pushed all the clouds over towards Africa. As soon as the clouds reached the continent, the climate changed. A bright sun was shining in the sky and stretched out beneath them, lay the golden sands of the Sahara. Since it almost never rains in the desert, the wind continued pushing the clouds towards the forests in the south.

Meanwhile, as happens with young humans too, the young cloud decided to leave his parents and his older friends in order to discover the world. “What are you doing?” cried the wind. “The desert’s the same all over. Rejoin the other clouds, and we’ll go to Central Africa where there are amazing mountains and trees!”

But the young cloud, a natural rebel, refused to obey, and gradually, he dropped down until he found a gentle, generous breeze that allowed him to hover over the golden sands. After much to-ing and fro-ing, he noticed that one of the dunes was smiling at him.

He saw that the dune was also young, newly formed by the wind that had just passed over. He fell in love with her golden hair right there and then. “Good morning,” he said. “What’s life like down there?”

“I have the company of the other dunes, of the sun and the wind, and of the caravans that occasionally pass through here. Sometimes it’s really hot, but it’s still bearable. What’s life like up there?”

“We have the sun and the wind too, but the good thing is that I can travel across the sky and see more things.”

“For me”, said the dune, “life is short. When the wind returns from the forests, I will disappear.”

“And does that make you sad?”

“It makes me feel that I have no purpose in life.”

“I feel the same. As soon as another wind comes along, I’ll go south and be transformed into the rain; but that is my destiny.”

The dune hesitated for a moment, then said: “Did you know that here in the desert, we call the rain paradise?”

“I had no idea I could ever be that important,” said the cloud proudly.

“I’ve heard other older dunes tell stories about the rain. They say that, after the rain, we are all covered with grass and flowers. But I’ll never experience that, because in the desert it rains so rarely.”

It was the cloud’s turn to hesitate now. Then he smiled broadly and said: “If you like, I could rain on you now. I know I’ve only just got here, but I love you, and I’d like to stay here for ever.”

“When I first saw you up in the sky, I fell in love with you too”, said the dune. “But if you transform your lovely white hair into rain, you will die.” “Love never dies”, said the dune. “It is transformed , and besides, I want to show you what paradise is like.”

And he began to caress the dune with little drops of rain, so that they could stay together for longer, until a rainbow appeared. The following day, the little dune was covered in flowers. Other clouds that passed over, heading for Africa, thought that it must be part of the forest they were looking for and scattered more rain. Twenty years later, the dune had been transformed into an oasis that refreshed travelers with the shade of its trees.

And all because, one day, a cloud fell in love, and was not afraid to give his life for that love.

“The Cloud and the Dune” fable by priest and theologian Bruno Ferrero*, came to me unforeseen when doing a completely unrelated search. The story’s simplistic beauty and wisdom moved me to share this delightful teaching tale. For the second day in a row coincidence, or as I choose to think my Higher power, bought me an unexpected catalyst to grow my measure of morning gratitude.

True love is like ghosts,
which everybody talks about
and few have seen.
Francis Duc de La Rochefoucauld

*Find Bruno Ferrero’s blog “Circle of Joy” here: http://doina-touchinghearts.blogspot.com/2012/09/circle-of-joy-by-bruno-ferrero.html

Happy Day Before Thanksgiving Day

/ James Browning

“Thanksgiving Day” by Linda Maria Child

Over the river and through the wood
To Grandmother’s house we go.
The horse knows the way
To carry the sleigh
Through white and drifted snow.

Over the river and through the wood
Oh, how the wind does blow!
It stings the toes
And bites the nose,
As over the ground we go.

Over the river and through the wood
To have a first-rate play.
Hear the bells ring,
Ting-a-ling-ling!
Hurrah for Thanksgiving Day!

Over the river and through the wood,
Trot fast, my dapple gray!
Spring over the ground
Like a hunting hound,
For this is Thanksgiving Day.

Over the river and through the wood,
And straight through the barnyard gate.
We seem to go
Extremely slow~
It is so hard to wait!

Over the river and through the wood~
Now Grandmother’s cap I spy!
Hurrah for fun!
Is the pudding done?
Hurrah for the pumpkin pie!

Oh, how things have changed inside me. The near 500 days I have sat here each morning expressing gratitude has altered me permanently for the better. I am softer, more open and introspective; calmer, more joyful and have greater peace than ever before. Best of all I love life and feel acutely alive. Emotions are just below my skin ready to comfort me or bring me feelings of all sorts. No longer do I hide from them. Good or bad, positive or negative I embrace the man that I am. My thanks giving this year includes gratefulness for ‘me’. I don’t think I have ever said that before! Wow!

I am grateful for what I am and have.
My thanksgiving is perpetual…
O how I laugh when I think
of my vague indefinite riches.
No run on my bank can drain it,
for my wealth is not possession but enjoyment.
Henry David Thoreau

A Long Dark Shadow

/ James Browning

To all of you who hate yourselves, I promise this: There is a place where you’d hate yourself less. Somewhere out there, it waits. Each of us has one, whether we know it or not, whether we have found it or not, whether we have seen it with our own eyes or not. It is a nation or a city block, a mountain or a room. It is the Mekong Delta or the Prado, shopping malls or Prague.

It is highly specific and one-of-a-kind — a certain park, say, or a certain cinema — or else it is not a place but a type of place: caves, say, or hole-in-the-wall Chinese restaurants. In the latter case, two caves, one in Laos and one in Canada, or two hole-in-the wall Chinese restaurants, one in Rome and one in Shanghai, are equally your place.

Maybe you already know where it is, the place where you hate yourself less. Maybe you know this place and why you love it, crave it, dream of it and picture it while stuck in traffic or awaiting surgery. Maybe you go there every March. Or maybe you know where it is and yet have never been there in the flesh.

Or maybe you have no idea that such a place exists. It does. The formula for finding it is simple:
1. What makes you hate yourself?
2. Where do those things occur least?
3. What makes you feel inspired, serene, amused, excited (in a good way), unself-conscious, passionate, compassionate and more or less at home?
4. Where are those things?
From “There Is a Place Where You’d Hate Yourself Less… by Anneli Rufus http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/stuck/201211/there-is-place-where-youd-hate-yourself-less

Yes, I am one of those who hates themself. Oh, don’t worry. It’s not nearly so bad as it once was and now only drifts upon me at random. Usually it is brought on by fatigue which brings on worry which ignites self-loathing. In some ways I don’t think of it as even being self-induced. Anymore it seems like some foreign adversary that attacks jumps on me when I’m down.

When is my place where I hate myself less? There are three; one specific and two general.

Specifically in my home with my things I feel safe and protected from just about everything including self dislike.

The second place of safety is traveling in foreign places. There is nothing like unfamiliar culture and language to make me forget any negative thoughts about myself. On the road experiencing something new and different I am fully in the moment taking in all the sensory information coming my way. My sense of being alive is heightened to an acute level and I am fully present in the ‘now”.

The third place self-hatred disappears is when I am with those I love and who love me. When friends and family who know the good and not so good about me, yet care about me anyway are near I find no reason to fall into self-loathing. Simply I feel safe to be just the unaffected “me” I truly am.

The glow of gratitude is within for the learned ability to throw off hating myself most of the time. And even when I can’t make it go away completely, almost always I can diminish it to a dull, short-lived level.

If you had a person in your life
treating you the way you treat yourself,
you would have gotten rid of them a long time ago…
Cheri Huber

Hate Hurts the Hater

/ James Browning

Hate is never good, but it’s understandably felt by some toward people such as child abusers, perpetrators of violent crimes, terrorists and some who are just plain evil.

Otherwise, with ordinary people there’s an adage that goes, someone most often hates you for one of three reasons.

1. They either see you as a threat.
2. They hate themselves.
3. Or they want to be you.

Thinking about hating someone is sobering. Hate is a strong word. Definitions of hate on-line are: to dislike intensely or passionately; feel extreme aversion for or extreme hostility toward; detest; feel antipathy towards. So if I dislike someone a lot, I in fact hate them. I never thought of it that way. And yes, there are people I really don’t care for. I just never thought of strong aversion as being hate.

I cringe at the thought that I might actually hate someone and subscribe to Madeleine L’Engle’s thoughts that “Hate hurts the hater more’n the hated.”

At this point I really don’t think I hate anyone and readily admit I have at times confused hurt with hate. There are those who caused me great grief and lots of pain for who forgiveness is not 100%. There is no one I can think of who I lack the intention of forgiveness for in my heart. However with some I am uncertain if complete forgiveness is possible. Emotional scars stand in the way. I have come to the understanding that most who hurt others have been hurt themselves, often as children, and end up passing along their pain. Completely true or not, that thought helps me forgive people who have injured me emotionally. Not 100% forgiveness, but close.

Elie Wiesel wrote, “the opposite of love is not hate, it’s indifference”. I readily admit there are those who hurt me I feel completely indifferent about. I wish them no harm or difficulty, but frankly don’t care to know anything about them today. Such people are now blanks where a relationship of some sort has been erased due to the pain they caused me. It’s a healthy sort of turning a blind eye and putting those old pains up high on a shelf and forgetting about those caused them.

It’s only human to like some people more than others, to respect some more than other folks, to not be comfortable with some people and quite at home with others. I am grown up enough to no longer beat myself up about simply not caring for some people. It’s a form of healthy self-care to at least be able to recognize who’s good for me and who isn’t. I am grateful to know the difference!

The unhappiest people in this world,
are those who care the most about what other people think.
C. Joybell C.