feelings

Pleasure From Such Little Effort

/ James Browning

old booksflat,550x550,075,fGladly I can point my finger at my high school English teacher for awakening my awareness to Victorian poetry. What began when I was fifteen has grown to become a treasured appreciation. I find solace in words as they dance off my tongue when I read evenly metered rhyming poems aloud (or mentally to myself); so much pleasure from such  little effort.

If love were what the rose is,
And I were like the leaf,
Our lives would grow together
In sad or singing weather,
Blown fields or flowerful closes,
Green pleasure or gray grief;
If love were what the rose is,
And I were like the leaf.

If I were what the words are,
And love were like the tune,
With double sound and single
Delight our lips would mingle,
With kisses glad as birds are
That get sweet rain at noon;
If I were what the words are,
And love were like the tune.

If you were life, my darling,
And I your love were death,
We’d shine and snow together
Ere March made sweet the weather
With daffodil and starling
And hours of fruitful breath;
If you were life, my darling,
And I your love were death.

If you were thrall to sorrow,
And I were page to joy,
We’d play for lives and seasons
With loving looks and treasons
And tears of night and morrow
And laughs of maid and boy;
If you were thrall to sorrow,
And I were page to joy.

If you were April’s lady,
And I were lord in May,
We’d throw with leaves for hours
And draw for days with flowers,
Till day like night were shady
And night were bright like day;
If you were April’s lady,
And I were lord in May.

If you were queen of pleasure,
And I were king of pain,
We’d hunt down love together,
Pluck out his flying-feather,
And teach his feet a measure,
And find his mouth a rein;
If you were queen of pleasure,
And I were king of pain.
A Match by Algernon Charles Swinburne (1837–1909)

My high school English teacher was Miss Upchurch, who I have written about before –  https://goodmorninggratitude.com/2011/05/23/388/ Her personal unrequited love story combined with what she taught created a permanent place in my mind and heart. I am grateful to have known her and for the love of poetry she caused to begin in me.

A good poem is a contribution to reality. The world is never the same
once a good poem has been added to it. A good poem helps to change
the shape of the universe, helps to extend everyone’s knowledge
of himself and the world around him.
Dylan Thomas

One Kinds Action Leads To Another

/ James Browning

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“Will there be anything else” she said to me as I sat the bottle of water on the counter of the airport store. I said “no” as I glanced at her name tag and saw “Asja”. I’m one of those people who has difficulty figuring out what letters and numbers on a vanity license plate are supposed to stand for. So I asked  “how do you pronounce your name?” having no idea the response to my question would be “Asia”. I responded “that’s a unique and pretty name. Does it have any particular meaning?” to which the young woman said “my mother is Asian and I’m the oldest daughter”.

The woman behind the counter at the airport store showed her appreciation I was interested and continued telling me about her two sisters’ names that were also clever and unique. What I will long remember was the joy in her eyes from being noticed as a person. Most often people in such service jobs are essentially unnoticed and treated at best like a utility and worst like they don’t have feelings.

Making full eye contact with people I momentarily interact with has become a cultivated habit. Looking fully into someone’s eyes as I say “thank you” has a positive effect. It enables me to hopefully put a little more good into the world knowing what I give comes back to me. If I have the chance to momentarily interact with a stranger in some meaningful little way I am pleased.

Everyone wants to matter to the world; to be noticed; to be seen as worthy and of value. Everyone matters. No one has a job that makes them less than, no matter how humble it may be.

Age has given me enough wisdom to realize I should not judge people by their clothes, appearance or what he or she does to make a living. I don’t know a stranger’s story and what they have gone through prior to arriving in my presence. I’m human and sometimes still fall into assessing a person too much, too quickly. Each time I catch myself doing that I become a little more committed to not doing it.

Some people I don’t know who I intentionally begin a short conversation with probably wonder what’s up with me. Most respond positively to my attention but some look baffled and don’t respond well. Am I some sort of Holy Roller, on happy drugs or delusional might be the sort of thing a few think. However, it has been my experience most appreciate being “noticed and seen”. I always hope each one remembers me positively. I always do them.

The more I embrace the world and people in it the more I like being alive. Whether it is flowers looking to have more vibrant color because I notice them or the smile on a person’s face who usually gets little attention, it all benefits me. I am grateful to realize that it is me that receives the greatest benefit…always. What is given comes back multiplied.

No kind action ever stops with itself.
One kind action leads to another.
Good example is followed.
A single act of kindness throws out roots in all directions,
and the roots spring up and make new trees.
The greatest work that kindness does to others
is that it makes them kind themselves.
Amelia Earhart

Oh, Boy… Oh, Boy

/ James Browning

image006eThe phrase, “You can do anything you put your mind to,” seems to imply all a person has to do is imagine what he or she would like to accomplish, mentally focus on the task for a while and wait for the inevitable success to take shape. To a some degree that is accurate. Focused intention can be a powerful force. However the phrase is deceptive because it fails to reference the difficulty of staying self-directed toward a particular goal. A little here and a little there usually won’t make things happen.

Most of us don’t know what we really want. We think we do, but we really don’t. We only know what we don’t want. We don’t want a boring job. We don’t want to be poor. We don’t want to disappoint the ones we care about.

Knowing specifically what I want is much different from knowing what I don’t want. As long as I only know what I don’t want, my intentions will never be focused.

Much of what I chased over the years has me now wondering “WHY” in capital letters. In a lot of cases what once mattered just doesn’t mean much to me now. For example. business success and prestige associated with it (yes, and the money) was a primary driver for a couple of decades.

Succeeding still matters, but I seek different things that are in sync with this phase of my life. What was important in my past was not a mistake. Each phase was a step forward, eventually to where I am now.

Today I am seventy-six days away from being done with a long-lived professional life as an executive. Excitement for the freedom to march freely into an unknown future is not scary. Maybe it should be, but I don’t feel the least bit fearful past a few butterflies of anticipation. Being convinced I am doing the correct thing for myself helps, in spite of not knowing exactly what will take shape. Until I can be free of what has been for so long I can’t begin to discover what will be.

Therapist and author Dr. Pat Allen wrote, The only way you know you love yourself, or anyone else, is by the commitments you are willing to make and keep.

What once were only distant thoughts, hopes and dreams are not only possible but likely… at least a good many of them if I am dedicated to staying committed to myself. I have the energy and time to stay focused on moving toward and experiencing some of my greatest hopes and dreams. I won’t be one of the sheep walking blindly uphill anymore!

At an emotional and spiritual level I am taking better care of myself than ever before. Good health and contentment are major contributors to what will be. The child within is jumping up and down saying “oh, boy… oh, boy”. For my prospects and possibilities I say with the conviction of a grateful heart, an appreciative mind and a thankful soul, “Truly I am richly blessed”. Bring it on… I am ready!

There are two types of visions.
Those that will happen no matter what,
and those that can be stopped.
Now more than ever, I wish to tell them apart.
Emlyn Chand

Life is a Course in Life

/ James Browning

forgivenessForgiveness is a powerful and affirmative part of our humanity. It should be differentiated from its close cousin, acceptance, which while important, is essentially, passive. For many, the healing power of forgiveness allows us to truly move on. A life lived without forgiveness is a life of real pain.

We are all wounded. You will be surprised to hear of all the wounds that normal people carry with them. It may be hard to believe, but many of these wounds can determine how people feel about themselves for an entire lifetime. And everyone’s been hurt in one way or another.

Forgiveness, like grieving, has its stages. It is well known that grieving has its stages. You loved someone, or you lost something dear to you. You go through denial, bargaining, anger, depression and finally you come to acceptance. Forgiveness is a lot like grieving. The important things that we need to forgive don’t come easily.

First, you have to acknowledge that you have to forgive. It is important to your psychological health. Carrying old wounds is simply a burden that steals the pleasure from the life that you have now. We are not on this earth forever, and sitting in victimhood can be such a loss.

Acknowledging a wound that needs healing is only a first step. You also have to deal with real feelings of anger and at times, betrayal. I often think that the word – FAIR – is a four letter word that should sit unhappily with its other, less decent, brothers. Too many people can’t get over just how unfair life is. Such pain, for what? Life is unfair, but it is also filled with potential for beauty, love and grace. The anger over things having been unfair is a product of our immature minds needing to have a balance in nature. Yes, there may be a balance, supervised by God or by nature, but it often has little to do with the narrative that we want to write!

Forgiveness is ultimately a gift you give yourself. It allows the wounds to heal. Asking for forgiveness is a noble act. It is an acknowledgement that you hurt someone and it makes it easier for the forgiver to forgive. It takes a burden away, but this is only the first step. If you really want to be forgiven by the person that you hurt, just apologizing is not enough. You have to try to right the wrong. This is not a perfect science, but a little effort can go a long way. While nothing can undo an unfortunate experience, making amends counts.

Life is a course in life. We are taught by our experiences and no textbook can really do it for us. Learn what each chapter has to teach you. Forgiveness is part and parcel of the emotional work of learning these lessons well. From “The Intelligent Divorce” by Mark Banschick, M.D. http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-intelligent-divorce/201110/can-you-forgive

So grateful am I for the lessons in recent years about forgiveness. Today I am many times more capable of letting go; of forgiving others and myself. It’s amazing how much better life is!

True forgiveness is when you can say,
“Thank you for that experience.”
Oprah Winfrey

Dew On the Flower of Life

/ James Browning

ku-xlargeLeo Tolstoy wrote, “It is amazing how complete is the delusion that beauty is goodness”. Experience has taught me the truth of his words. I have loved some women mainly for what was on the outside, while ignoring, for a time, what emanated from within. Of course, every time I got my heart broken. Looking from the vantage point of today it is simple to see why.

Soul, heart and mind are on the “inside” of a person. They’re not worn where its easy to see their qualities and character. The “inside of a book” takes time to know. The bewildering part has been the more beautiful the woman I loved, to a person, the more self-conscious and down on herself she was.

In particular, people tend to have a distorted appreciation of how they look. There are a few people who look in the mirror and think they look terrific all the time; but they are few. Many more look in the mirror and see an acne scar which they think dominates their appearance—or a prominent nose, or a weak chin, or a receding hairline, or gray hair (even when, sometimes, they have no visible gray hair), or eyebrows that are too thin or two thick, and so on.

The mirror lies. As people tend to see everything in life as they expect it to be, they see, especially, in the mirror, what they expect to see. Elderly people looking in the mirror do not recognize that they have grown older, until, suddenly, they find themselves in front of a different mirror and their face is lit up more brightly, or just differently. It is usually a disconcerting and uncomfortable experience. Some people give up looking at their reflection. They purposely turn away when they walk by a mirror. Sometimes they unexpectedly walk by a full length mirror at night and do not see their accustomed reflection. Rather, they see a parent reflected back at them. All of this seems new to them because they have unexpectedly observed themselves from a different perspective. Fredric Neuman, M.D. http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/fighting-fear/201212/mirrors-lie-the-fallibility-perception-and-memory

Admittedly, I am not completely comfortable ‘seeing’ myself in a mirror. When I go past just acknowledging my reflection and really look at myself, it appears the years showing exceed the number I have lived. I’m told I look younger than I am, but my reflection appears the reverse to me. My hair has thinned more than I really want to notice and I have a “belly”. My skin is changing texture and growing rougher. I see small veins showing on my ankles. Lines and creases are chiseled into my face.. It’s all okay though, or at least moving in that direction. With making myself see what is from a different perspective awareness is growing. And awareness is were accurate, and thereby, confidence begins.

My perception of my image in a mirror is slowly changing. By paying more attention and really seeing what is there, I am becoming able to look past what I regret and see what I have to be grateful about. Over and over its been proven to me what I find gratitude for becomes improved. And so it is with my sense about my appearance. Gratefulness is dew on a flower of life that makes it shine and sparkle.

Above all, don’t lie to yourself.
The man who lies to himself
and listens to his own lie
comes to a point that he cannot
distinguish the truth within him,
around him, and so loses
all respect for himself and for others.
And having no respect he ceases to love.
Fyodor Dostoyevsky

Backwards Wishing

/ James Browning

3005147-poster-1960-caught-stress-spiral-innovate-your-day-8-minutes-ready-set-pauseYou’ll know that you are no longer self-righteous the day you drop the romantic notion that if only your seventh grade teacher could see you now, she would be proud of you. Say goodbye to her. You don’t need her approval anymore. From now on, you are on your own.

Last night after patiently pondering those words from “The Art of Imperfection” by Veronique Vienne, a light went off in my head. Well, it was actually more of a long sigh of relief after a small cleansing epiphany that is now with me to stay.

First, I agreed there are a couple of teachers I have wished could see me now. That admission was quickly followed with a mental list of former lovers, classmates, past co-workers, lost friends, departed family and such, who at one time or another, I have “wished could see me now”. The realization alone that I could let go of that sort of “backwards wishing” lightened the emotional baggage I tote around by at least a few pounds.

I have learned that if you must leave a place that you have lived in and loved and where all your yesteryears are buried deep, leave it any way except a slow way, leave it the fastest way you can. Never turn back and never believe that an hour you remember is a better hour because it is dead. Passed years seem safe ones, vanquished ones, while the future lives in a cloud, formidable from a distance. From West with the Night” by Beryl Markham

Beginning to let go of “wishing they could see me now” is a healthy step toward letting go “backwards thinking” of other types such as “wish she was still in love with me” or “wish I hadn’t made that mistake”. Loosening my tight grip on this sort of emotional debris has begun to let me see what is underneath them. I am discovering hiding behind my ‘wishing’ is always either shame or regret. Those parasites start to fade a little when I face their roots head on. Knowing what I know now, there is no turning back. I am grateful for my adjusted perspective that will make it so.

Take it from me:
If you hear the past speaking to you,
feel it tugging up your back
and running its fingers up your spine,
the best thing to do.
the only thing, is run.
Lauren Oliver

We’re All Just Wandering Souls

/ James Browning

1096582075_a6747a9a9fSomething happened yesterday where my feelings became hurt more so than in a long while. I presented myself to another person in a way I thought was honest and caring. My comrade found great offense in what I said. This was unexpected. I thought I had acted in an authentic and thoughtful way. Profusely I apologized for offending him, but my apology was not accepted. Over time I hope it is, but whether acceptance happens or not is out of my hands.

The gist of my thoughts this morning are not about specifically what happened. Rather, I am thinking of the realization once again how pain teaches. A moment’s painfulness can be a positive teaching that lasts for a lifetime. Pain not embraced will carry forward negatively and the clinging will bring only more pain. Learning to feel my pain then giving it the attention it demands has become a rich source of wisdom.

Pain is a great teacher, it constantly reminds us to work on our ego and get back to our presence. Pain is the attention seeking activity of our body, signaling to our mind that we need to pay attention… When we give attention to a particular area, that attention becomes energy for that area which aids in healing it.

The moment we lack attention, then pain invariably happens. Therefore, pain is actually the absence of attention, so the solution to get out of pain is by giving your presence. …if we look deeply within, every pain is because of our internal investment of our ego. Wherever we have invested our ego, we will suffer. Teo Siew Yong http://yourpresenceheals.com/pain-is-a-great-teacher/

Today I feel no animosity toward my friend who reacted with anger toward me. We’re all just wandering souls trying to find our way. The words spoken I found hurtful have been felt and I have moved past them. Mixed in was a piece of truth I needed to hear, no matter how it was presented. And it is that gift of insight I am grateful for.

“Turn towards me”, my pain whispers. “Just for a moment. Do not be afraid. I am made of you.”

“But I don’t know how to turn”, I reply.

Pain responds, “Feel me upon you, relax and fall into me; then my power to hurt you will be made small”.

After being given example after example over time, you’d think I would no longer be impressed at the amount of wisdom to be found in pain. I am grateful to have grown and matured enough to usually be able to embrace pain’s teaching and move on. The still fascinating part is how my accepting pain causes it to depart so quickly.

World’s use is cold,
World’s love is vain,
World’s cruelty is bitter bane;
But pain is not the fruit of pain.
Elizabeth Barrett Browning

That Shadow Was Me

/ James Browning

www.sortedpixels.comI have spent most of my adult life looking for it. Over time I tried this way and that way; this woman and that woman; that friend and others. Time and time again I found it temporarily only to discover it was only a self-created mirage that faded away once in the midst of it. Love was baffling and elusive.

The lack of feeling loved kept me searching to fill the emptiness. Success did not work. Money didn’t help much either. Beautiful and loving partners didn’t fill the hole for long. Hobbies and interests pursued and accomplished were temporary fixes at best. Moving from a town where I did not find love to another where I thought it could be did not sate the yearning either.

The mystery I could not solve for so long was the riddle of myself.

The person in life that you will always be with the most, is yourself. Because even when you are with others, you are still with yourself, too! When you wake up in the morning, you are with yourself, laying in bed at night you are with yourself, walking down the street in the sunlight you are with yourself.

What kind of person do you want to walk down the street with? What kind of person do you want to wake up in the morning with? What kind of person do you want to see at the end of the day before you fall asleep? Because that person is yourself, and it’s your responsibility to be that person you want to be with.

I know I want to spend my life with a person who knows how to let things go, who’s not full of hate, who’s able to smile and be carefree. So that’s who I have to be. C.JoybellC.

There’s an old country song titled “Searching for Love In All The Wrong Places” which describes well my long search for love. Barbara De Angelis wrote, If you aren’t good at loving yourself, you will have a difficult time loving anyone, since you’ll resent the time and energy you give another person that you aren’t even giving to yourself.

And there you have it. What I was missing was loving myself. Only in recent years when I have begun to love the human being I have become has my heart become gratefully capable of loving others. Always before there was an obstruction throwing a shadow over anyone I loved. That shadow was me.

If you don’t receive love
from the ones who are meant to love you,
you will never stop looking for it.
Robert Goolrick

Marked With Lines of Life

/ James Browning

Happy_Old_ManAs I grow older and can see my golden years begin to appear on the distance horizon I pay more attention to “old people” (which I define as late 70’s or older). The reason is simple: to get a better idea what might be in store for me one day.

While it’s is a gross over generalization, there seems to be two distinct varieties of senior citizens. Group one leans toward being short-tempered, impatient, generally in a bad mood and visibly unhappy about life. Mostly it’s regret I see in their faces. Group two appears to be more or less opposite: patient, even-tempered, generally in a good mood and happy about being alive. It’s gladness I notice about them.

After watching closely for a couple of years I can find nothing discerning between the groups except their outlook. Health does not seem a major factor. Just about as many in failing health seem to be happy as those who appear miserable. Financial status appears to not be a dividing line either. Those appearing poor or rich come in both varieties in about the same number.

Attitude seems to be the difference. The “glasses” life is being viewed through is the key.

When stereotypes are negative — when seniors are convinced becoming old means becoming useless, helpless or devalued — they are less likely to seek preventive medical care and die earlier, and more likely to suffer memory loss and poor physical functioning, a growing body of research shows.

When stereotypes are positive — when older adults view age as a time of wisdom, self-realization and satisfaction — results point in the other direction, toward a higher level of functioning. The latest report, in The Journal of the American Medical Association, suggests that seniors with this positive bias are 44 percent more likely to fully recover from a bout of disability. http://newoldage.blogs.nytimes.com/2012/12/19/older-people-are-what-they-think-study-shows/

Happiness in old age may have more to do with attitude than actual health, a new study suggests. Researchers examined 500 Americans age 60 to 98 who live independently and had dealt with cancer, heart disease, diabetes, mental health conditions or a range of other problems. The participants rated their own degree of successful aging on scale of 1-10, with 10 being best. Despite their ills, the average rating was 8.4. http://www.livescience.com/3974-happiness-age-depends-attitude.html

How glad I am to have begun this blog nearly two years ago! More than any single thing in memory, writing each day has given me a much better attitude about life: one with good quantities of gratitude and contentment. Outwardly my life has changed some, though not that much. What is different is ME from the inside, out. Growing gratitude within is my single best ingredient for aging gratefully and enjoying growing older. Old age has unique perks that being young never allows!

Your face is marked with lines of life,
put there by love and laughter,
suffering and tears. It’s beautiful.”
Lynsay Sands

Letter to a Heartbroken Friend

/ James Browning

33373_originalEDITDear _______,

Don’t worry about the future. It will unfold as it does, unaffected by your thought and worry. What is to be will not be swayed one millimeter by your anguish. I know you are heartbroken, but it is not love that is the source of most of your pain. Love is always pure and never the source of grief.  Given time, if you allow it, misery and sorrow will overpower the purity of your love and bury it in animosity and bitterness. Please don’t let that happen.

Deep grief sometimes is almost like a specific location, a coordinate on a map of time. When you are standing in that forest of sorrow, you cannot imagine that you could ever find your way to a better place. Someday you’re gonna look back on this moment of your life as such a sweet time of grieving. You’ll see that you were in mourning and your heart was broken, but your life was changing… Elizabeth Gilbert

Comfort and happiness, as enjoyable as they feel, are not catalysts for personal development. It’s the difficult times where fertile ground exists for our growth. Please do not hate your pain. Growth is always uncomfortable; sometimes even agonizing. Accept the hurting with a thankfulness for what was instead of a dread for what might or might not be again one day.

I wish I could tell you getting past your heartbreak will be easy. It won’t be. But if you intentionally let go a little each day, slowly your aching will ease. With effort you’ll be able to not think about your loss for a little while at a time and with practice your heartache will be out of heart and mind more and more. Progress will be slow, but certain if you make is so.

Giving her the space she has asked you for is a certain way to show your love to her. To cling and grab to hold on, will only shred into jagged pieces what was once shared. If there is more for you two to share, it will arrive in its due time and not one second before.

Peace and Love,

James

I am grateful for friends who are comfortable enough with me to share their deep private feelings. It is in a common trust and sharing of emotion and thought with others who “get me and I them” that healing and recovery is possible.

We crucify ourselves between two thieves:
regret for yesterday and fear of tomorrow.
Fulton Oursler