feelings

You Are Unique, Not Special

/ James Browning

unique!!

Specialness is all about the idea that somehow the rules of the world apply to me differently than they apply to everyone else. Specialness is the belief that it is OK if bad things happen to the other 6.5 billion people that live on the planet, but if anything bad happens to me, it is the worst, most awful thing in the entire world and I cannot handle it because I am special.

To introduce the idea of specialness to my patients, I ask them to do the following exercise: I tell them to spend the entire day treating themselves as if they were their best friends in the entire world. If anything goes well, they are to tell themselves how awesome they are, and that they are totally cool, and that everyone is proud of them. If anything goes wrong, they are to tell themselves that no one noticed or really cared and that it was really no big deal.

I tell people to do this because that is how most of us talk to the people we love – we tell them that we are proud of them and their work. Yet, almost no one actually talks to themselves in this way. We are actually more likely to remind ourselves of every dumb thing that we have ever done instead of telling ourselves how well we just did. And, even if we just did something really well, we will almost always still find a way to criticize ourselves or beat ourselves up about something that “should” have been better.

Then, the following day, I want you to treat everyone you know like you normally treat yourself. Anytime anyone does something wrong, be sure to tell them how stupid they are and that they are one big failure. Further, anytime anyone does something well, tell them that it was just luck and that they did not actually deserve what they just got, and then see if anyone will ever speak to you again.

Now, I am betting that you would not be willing to do this, so let me ask you a basic question – why is it OK to treat everyone else wonderfully as a way to motivate them, but you need to beat yourself down in order to get yourself to behave better? And the answer is: You do not need to. You could actually be very nice to yourself and motivate yourself positively.

If you want to start to feel less stress, go into situations with a positive attitude and motivate yourself the same way that you would motivate others – build yourself up and stop beating yourself down. From “You Are Unique, Not Special” by Patrick B. McGrath, Ph.D. http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/dont-try-harder-try-different/201108/you-are-unique-not-special

About ten years ago I adopted a particular attitude entitled “disputing my own BS”. When negative thoughts about myself came up that I would certainly dispute if anyone said them to me, I learned to argue for myself and set my thinking straight. It does not always work, but most of the time it does. Simply by taking the time to examine what I am telling myself is an effective weapon in disputing the lies, partial truths and exaggerations I tell myself. I am grateful for this insight and how it has improved the quality of my life experience.

If you are determined to succeed you will,
if you are determined to fail you will,
it is only through determination
that we began to see our true selves.
Frederica Ehimen

Where Happiness Grows Roots

/ James Browning

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A question often asked of me is “what do you want most” to which my answer has long been “peace”. On occasion the follow up I get is “what does that mean to you?” My reply is akin to some of the definitions of the word peace: “freedom from disturbance; a state of tranquility; freedom from oppressive thoughts; harmony in my personal relationships”.

In his “Conversations With God” series, Neal Donald Walsch wrote about the pathway to peace that includes:

Speak only in truthfulness.
Act only in love.
Avoid the mundane.
Do not accept the unacceptable.

Embrace every circumstance, own every fault, share every joy, contemplate every mystery, walk in every man’s shoes, forgive every offense (including your own), heal every heart, honor every person’s truth, adore every person’s God, protect every person’s rights, preserve every person’s dignity…

Speak humbly of yourself, lest someone mistake your Highest Truth for boast.
Speak softly, lest someone think you are merely calling for attention.
Speak gently, that all might know of Love.
Speak openly, lest someone think you have something to hide.
Speak respectfully, that no one be dishonored.
Speak lovingly, that every syllable may heal.

That’s a tall order to do all the time, but a simple one to practice and aspire to. The more I keep such things in mind the more tranquility comes. Peacefulness is a gift I give myself. It is not decided by any outside circumstance, happening or person.

Peace is not about what is going on around me, but how I react to it all. I am grateful for that nugget of wisdom instilled in me over decades of trial and error. Peace is the fertile soil where happiness grows roots!

Peace is present right here and now,
in ourselves and in everything we do and see.
Every breathe we take, every step we take,
can be filled with peace, joy, and serenity.
The question is whether or not
we are in touch with it.
We need only to be awake,
alive in the present moment.
Thich Nhat Hanh

Let Reality Be Reality

/ James Browning

TRA2369Life is so much easier and more pleasurable to live, when I accept what comes with a good attitude. Recently another example proved that to be true.

The night before a trip out-of-town I looked at my itinerary. Originally thinking I departed at 6am, I was relieved to notice 7:05am as my departure time.Now I could sleep an hour or so later the next morning.

In order to get to the airport about an hour before departure (an advantage of living in a medium-sized city) the alarm brought me to my senses around 4:45am. I started the coffee pot, quickly posted my blogs written the night before and poured a cup of coffee just before heading to take a shower.

All went well and I parked at the airport right on schedule. Up to the airline kiosk to check in for my flight, swiped my credit card and up on the screen comes “YOU MISSED YOUR FLIGHT”. Looking at my itinerary again, I realized what I thought was my departure time was actually the arrival of my flight in the city where my connection was. Upset at myself momentarily as this was not the first time I had done exactly the same thing, I quickly silently said “let it go”. Accepting what had happened I asked the counter person for help.

Now the adventure begins. She puts me stand-by on a flight leaving in a half hour but says it is sold out. I hustle to the gate and walk up just as my name is being announced to come to the gate counter. I walk up, give my name and am handed a boarding pass in an exit row for a flight almost completely boarded. Settling into my seat I am feeling blessed and lucky, but concerned about getting on the four-hour connecting flight to my final destination.

Arriving on schedule I checked the monitors for my next flight leaving in 3 hours that I was booked standby for. It’s too soon for that flight to be listed, but another one to my final destination leaves in 35 minutes. I had already been told that particular flight was completely cold out, but thought it was worth a try. As fast as I could I made my way to the gate, explained I was flying standby to the agent and she said “I’ll see what she I can do and will announce your name if there’s a seat”. The aircraft was already two-thirds boarded when I walked up to the gate, so I had no great hope of getting on the flight. Then I heard my name announced, went to the counter and was giving a boarding pass for another aisle seat. I was blown away!

The moral of the story is a reminder to take life as it comes and not get upset. Had I been difficult or anything but engaging and nice I doubt either airline agent would have gotten me on a flight. My demeanor was pleasant and grateful. Most people appreciate that I have learned the hard way. It does not always work, but more often than not I attract what I need by being accepting of what comes AND treating other people well. Sounds simple, but most folks are so self-absorbed they get very upset when things don’t go their way and take it out on others.

My gratitude is deep to have learned this lesson well. It was not always so. Today I do my best to accept the curve balls thrown and to be cordial to others. What a difference both make. Giving what I want to receive makes is appear a lot more than I would have ever thought possible when younger.

Life is a series of natural and spontaneous changes.
Don’t resist them; that only creates sorrow.
Let reality be reality. Let things flow naturally
forward in whatever way they like.
Lao Tzu

Feelings and Health and Longevity

/ James Browning

ShowYourFeelings1Many of us hope for lives that imitate beer commercials, all happiness and fun. But that fantasy sets us up for disappointment because our lives have more than one dimension, and true emotional health is about experiencing the breadth and depth of our feelings and our lives.

The very nature of life means we will all face losses and difficulties. Yet many of us have been socialized from an early age to ignore loss and hide our real feelings. Most of us have seen the angry child dragged over to a playmate to hiss through clenched teeth, “I’m sorry.” Many of us were once that child. Not to say misbehavior should be ignored; but we can be responsible for our behavior without having to lie to ourselves and others about what we’re feeling.

Think of the stress and wasted energy many of us expend struggling to submerge our feelings instead of learning to express them in healthy ways, such as crying when sad or being assertive when angry. In 1992 The Journal of Personality and Social Psychology reported that emotions are tied to our autonomic nervous system, which controls our heart rate, blood pressure, digestion, respiration, and perspiration, showing clearly that physical and emotional health are interdependent. A 1997 Journal of Abnormal Psychology study reported that not expressing feelings impacts our health and longevity.

Expressing feelings may be difficult in part because we’ve been trained to see certain emotions such as anger, sadness, and fear as negative. Often we’ve learned to repress these feelings by distracting ourselves with sugar, adrenalin highs, drugs, alcohol, accomplishments, and sex. Yet anger can be a great motivator for change. It was anger about the loss of clean air and water that got people lobbying for change through the environmental movement. Fear can have similar positive effects, causing us to step back from the abyss and live another day. Case in point: it was only when my mom faced a serious bout of pneumonia that she quit smoking.

The challenge is to step towards emotional health and learn to experience and express our emotions appropriately. We need to become familiar with our emotions in order to express them well. A first step may be to reflect often on the question, “What am I feeling right now?” Another option may be to talk with someone who can listen without judging – a family member, friend, or a counselor. If expressing your feelings with others is too intimidating, consider expressing them through writing, drawing, music, or even screaming into a pillow while in the bathroom with the shower running.

Anymore I wear my feelings out in plain sight most of the time and express them willingly. It has impressed me how much more people seem to relate to me and I to them once “feelings” are consistently out on the table . It’s simple really, letting my feelings show to those I care has made my relationships and my life better. And I’m grateful one of those relationships is with myself.

Never apologize
for showing your feelings.
When you do,
you are apologizing
for the truth.
Jose N. Harris

Undisturbed Calmness

/ James Browning

Public domain image, royalty free stock photo from www.public-domain-image.com

Inherently there are only two states of being:
1. A state of inner wholeness
2. A state of inner incompleteness

This state of inner incompleteness starts developing the moment your focus became identified totally with the physical, specifically with the mind – usually by the age of 4. You get identified with the narrow, label based, identity created by the mind – what is called the “ego structure”. The ego structure by itself is not a problem, and serves a practical purpose in allowing a meaningful physical experience, but when you become totally identified with it, your perception of yourself becomes very intensely narrow.  [W]hen your state of being is one of inner incompleteness…

– You feel needy of approval from outside and many times your actions are influenced from this place of needing someone’s approval of you.

– There is an element of “craving” that’s always present in your being because of the delusion that some manifestation/experience will make you feel whole permanently.

– You sense momentary peace now and then, in your being, subject to some external outcomes but this peace is soon clouded by the feeling of incompleteness

– There is a constant background of unease/frustration/irritation within you which you constantly blame the outside for

The stronger your identification with the ego… the narrower your awareness becomes, and the more incompleteness you sense within yourself. The physical realm does not have the capacity to take you to permanent wholeness because by its very design it’s a “temporary” realm and is subject to constant change, dissolution and impermanence…

Total identification with the mind’s ego structure, and its consequential negativity, created the sense of incompleteness, and a movement of “dis-identification” with the momentum of the mind takes you back to your original wholeness.

Don’t try to imagine what this place would feel like. The mind, as usual, has the tendency to associate “extra ordinary” ideas about this state of being. It may imagine that this state feels like some constant trip of exhilaration or an unending high or some blissed out state, like what you get out of a drug – but all these are “excited” states, that are temporary and fleeting, what I call surface level ripples on your being.

If you have such imaginations, you will end up running into some unending pursuit without ever resting in the ordinariness of your being. Wholeness is very ordinary, it’s very simple, and it does not come with any bursting lights and sounds, it’s the undisturbed calmness inherent to the space that you are. Take from a blog written by “Sen” http://www.calmdownmind.com/do-you-feel-whole-within-yourself/

When I can take myself “out of gear” is when truth overrules logic. I used to believe that what was true and what was logical was the same thing. No more. Now I understand that logic is only “principles of proof” while truth is fact or reality. Logic is only a construct of the mind and a companion of inner incompleteness. Truth is undeniable and where inner wholeness is rooted. I am grateful to understand the difference and know wholeness begins with acceptance of what “is”.

Become totally empty
Quiet the restlessness of the mind
Only then will you witness everything
unfolding from emptiness.
Lao Tzu

An Excellant Practice

/ James Browning

Mad Hatter_9_1I woke up not knowing who I was and where I was. For the first fifteen minutes it was a frightening experience. The mirror in the bathroom bounced back to me the image of a stranger and a face I did not recognize. I surveyed the reflection: middle-aged, thinning hair, four-day whiskers more white than dark, about twenty pounds over weight, but seemingly in good physical condition otherwise. Who the hell is that?

Feeling thirsty I went to the kitchen, but stood there not knowing what to do. What did I like? Coffee, tea, juice… I had no idea if I preferred one over the other. Cigarettes were on the table. Did I smoke? Beer was in the fridge and vodka was in the freezer. Did I like to drink? I wasn’t able or willing to make any decisions so I got a glass of water and left the room confused.

Maybe I could find out something about myself by going outside. Quickly I went to the bedroom where in an open closet shirts, shorts and pants were hung. None looked familiar and it was difficult to make a choice. So I just reached out and choose what ever my hand touched first: blue shorts and a tan t-shirt.

Walking through the front door onto the porch “where the hell am I” echoed back and forth in my head. What was before me was beautiful, but unnerving. Standing stunned looking toward the sunrise the ocean glistened and glinted with splintered reflections of light. Far left and right I could see other modest cottages like the one I woke within, but none closer than a quarter-mile.

The morning was pleasant with a cool, comfortable breeze. The back and forth of the waves coming and going created a rhythm that joined with the beauty all around to began to calm me. I didn’t know who or where I was… but I liked the spot I found myself in.

Barefooted I walked to where sea and sand met and began plodding slowly down the beach. No one was in sight.There were no other signs of life in the first twenty minutes of daylight I found myself within, unencumbered by memories of the past or thoughts of the future.

There were no worries. I had no regrets. My hopes were nonspecific and dreams were such vague notions having any at all went unnoticed. I felt love and loved, yet knew not who or by whom. I felt alone, so very alone but at ease with it. As I walked down the beach with the morning sunlight from the horizon hitting me was beginning to feel good, even natural.

I walked and walked until I could not see myself any more. Wait a minute. I am the one watching me walk and the one doing the walking? I must be going crazy or something… What’s happening? Where am I? Who am I? What am I doing here? The storm of thoughts that I had awakened with began to swirl again as I raised up in bed to find I had been dreaming.

Dreaming?!? It felt so real. After the initial fear and confusion seeing myself walk down the beach/walking down the beach was one of the most peaceful feelings I have ever had. It was in that sleepy moment the realization came strong and profound: losing myself completely can sometimes be the most freeing experience I can have. Only then can I see back, forward, down and up without my thoughts being clouded by past, present, who I am, have been and desire to be.

How light I felt: Whole. Complete. Filled with hope and wonder. Connected to all my eyes saw and to what I could sense but not see. No regrets. I was complete just as I was.

In the losing of myself, for just a little while as I moved from subconscious awareness to reality, I felt fully whole. The dream and the accompanying epiphany carved a substantial amount of consciousness upon me that I will use as a reference point in the future. I am grateful to have learned respect for feeling lost, left out and completely alone. There it is possible to come to know some of the most clear perceptions about being alive.

The Mad Hatter: Have I gone mad?
Alice Kingsley: I’m afraid so. You’re entirely bonkers. But I’ll tell you a secret. All the best people are.

Alice Kingsley: Sometimes I believe in as many as six impossible things before breakfast.
The Mad Hatter: That is an excellent practice.

From “Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland” Lewis Carroll.

Shines Brightest

/ James Browning

8113823_origIt’ a beautiful Sunday morning during the Memorial holiday weekend which I increased to four days away from work by taking Friday off. After a couple of days of getting up without an alarm clock or a list of things I needed to do, I’m at peace and feeling mellow.

The healthy level of lethargy I have achieved through some serious decompression leaves me lazy and borrowing words this morning to post. Jack Karaksuer’s thoughts below remind me to daydream, live large, act boldly and fight ruts and routines. But that will have to wait. It will be time for a nap soon.

…make a radical change in your lifestyle and begin to boldly do things which you may previously never have thought of doing, or been too hesitant to attempt.

So many people live within unhappy circumstances and yet will not take the initiative to change their situation because they are conditioned to a life of security, conformity, and conservation, all of which may appear to give one peace of mind, but in reality nothing is more damaging to the adventurous spirit within a man than a secure future.

The very basic core of a man’s living spirit is his passion for adventure.

The joy of life comes from our encounters with new experiences, and hence there is no greater joy than to have an endlessly changing horizon, for each day to have a new and different sun.

If you want to get more out of life, you must lose your inclination for monotonous security and adopt a helter-skelter style of life that will at first appear to you to be crazy.

But once you become accustomed to such a life you will see its full meaning and its incredible beauty. From “Into the Wild” by Jack Krakauer

Life is good. Slowing down and taking stock of it all from time to time is as important as any of my doing, doing, doing. It is in stillness that gratitude shines brightest.

Turn off your mind,
relax, and float
downstream.
John Lennon

 

In honor of Memorial day, here’s a link to a G.M.G. post from a year ago:
https://goodmorninggratitude.com/2012/05/28/if-you-are-able/

odonnellmd01c

How Much Love…

/ James Browning

love copy“How much love have you let in today?”

That question crossed my path and stopped me in my tracks. Reading the article by Cheryl Eckl that followed the question hit me like a ton of bricks: giving love to others is only half the equation.

Being a good giver but a poor receiver of love makes me in part affectionately impoverished. I am so much better at expressing my feelings to others, but not nearly so good at receiving affection. Talk about a ‘lick up side the head”! No wonder there has always been a lack in my heart.

To let love in, you have to be vulnerable. Not a familiar or comfortable state, especially for us Westerners. Even if we walk softly through life, we still carry a big stick in the form of inner defenses, resistances, psychological walls, and separations. Social media make avoiding actual people quite easy, so that creating real, honest, heart-felt, physical connections is not something we do well. Because to be that open means that we might get hurt or inconvenienced. Or we might be exposed for the frauds we may secretly suspect that we are.

It’s a crummy way to live. And yet, we’re so accustomed to being closed off that we don’t even notice. That is, until somebody asks, “How much love have you let in today?” Then we have to stop and examine whether we even know how to open up. Do we really know what love is? And what happens if we actually let it in?

Allowing ourselves to be touched by another’s differences is to be truly open and powerfully vulnerable. Parents are often really sweet in accepting the crude drawings of a child, knowing them to be an imperfect expression of perfect love. But somehow we lose that generosity as we age, forgetting that inside each of us remains a child who wants her gift to be cherished and pressed to the heart of the one she loves.

It may be more blessed to give than to receive. But if we fail to receive what others uniquely and affectionately offer us, the circle of love is incomplete. The heart’s door must swing both ways if we are to find wholeness—if we are to ever live life to the fullness that a loving Universe longs to give. Taken from “A Beautiful Grief” by Cheryl Eckl http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/beautiful-grief/201111/how-much-love-have-you-let-in-today

To expound any further would delude the impact a simple question had on me today. “How much love have I let in today?” will become a permanent part of my toolbox for better living. I am grateful to now have such a useful implement!

Treasure the love you receive above all.
It will survive long after
your good health has vanished.
Og Mandino

The Flower of Life

/ James Browning

Tibetan%20Yin%20Yang%20MandalaFor most of my life if a friend drifted away I felt what we shared was completely lost. Once in a while we’d get hooked up again at some point, but most often not. Then there were the romantic relationships frequently referred to as “not working out” even though for a time they may have worked well. That was then. My perspective is different now.

Love of any kind is never truly lost. It may end, fizzle out or be damaged beyond repair, but what came before never dies. Whether shared with a friend, lover or family member, whatever good existed will always survive. The fact that love once was, will always be a fact.

No matter how much heartache and pain may have followed, love is never wasted. It’s a gift one always get to keep. It’s important for me not to bundle what was positive then turned negative, into a completely terrible memory. I believe the ability to separate good from bad and appreciate both individually for what they were is a sign of maturity.

…”falling in love” is largely unconscious and by its very nature involves a considerable amount of idealization and projection. When we fall in love, we look upon the object of our desire as someone who will complete us or provide what we imagine we have always wanted or needed. For that reason… idealization always leads to disillusionment because another person cannot be a product of your imagination; he or she is always a separate, real person.

Coming to know and accept an other for who they really are is the practice of true love: becoming knowledgeable, witnessing, holding in mind, and repeatedly turning to the beloved with interest and willingness to enter into and resolve conflict, these are the components of true love. Often, love begins with a strong emotional attachment—a magnetic attraction, a “falling in love”—but not always. It can also begin in friendship. Over time, you feel fascinated that you can be close and trusting and different, all at the same time. This is the nature of love: the beloved is both mysterious (fascinating) and familiar (comfortable); we begin to see the world through someone else’s eyes. By Polly Young-Eisendrath, Ph.D. http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/living-love/201111/over-60-and-looking-love-why-not

Inside me there used to be a driving need not to be alone, especially in a romantic sense. In due course no matter how many friends or how deeply ‘in-love’ I felt to be, my discovery was I am always alone. Sharing my life and others with me does not change that fact. Accepting this was a doorway to greater understanding.

Bearing witness  to one another’s existence makes people feel less alone and therein lies a component of the magic of love. Love does not change the world so much as it changes how one views it. I am grateful for the love of friends, family and lovers, past and present, I got to keep which molded me to be the person I am today. Love is NEVER wasted.

Love is the flower of life,
and blossoms unexpectedly and without law,
and must be plucked where it is found,
and enjoyed for the brief hour of its duration.
D.H. Lawrence

When the Student Is Ready

/ James Browning

graceIt was a slow realization to arrive, but emphatically I know my thoughts shape my existence more than any other factor. When it was suggested years ago that positive affirmations work, I could not grasp how saying and momentarily thinking particular thoughts could be life changing. It took a long time to consistently try them and then was surprised to find affirmations actually work. But it was a real struggle at first.

By choosing to think and say positive affirmations as true, the subconscious is forced into one of two reactions – avoidance or reappraisal. The bigger the issue the bigger the gap between the positive affirmation and the perceived inner truth and the more likely that one is going to experience resistance. This is where the subconscious finds it easier to stay with its perceived inner truth and avoid the challenge using any means at its disposal to avoid examining the issue. You will recognize this reaction by a strong negative feeling inside as you state the positive affirmations. Equally if your experience a sense of joy and well-being, your mind is instinctively responding to something it believes to be true. When you get this emotion, you know your affirmations are working!

Happiness…
Happiness exists where I choose to look for it.
I accept the good that is flowing into my life.
I smile and my life lightens.
Gratitude expands happiness.

Love…
The warmth of love surrounds me.
I appreciate those who love me.
I unconditionally give my love..
I am ready to be in love.

Forgiveness…
I release myself from my anger and let the past go.
The past is forgiven. I am thankful.
I live in the “now” each moment of each day.
Today, I forgive myself.

Because affirmations actually reprogram your thought patterns, they change the way you think and feel about things, and because you have replaced dysfunctional beliefs with your own new positive beliefs, positive change comes easily and naturally. This will start to reflect in your external life, you will start to experience seismic changes for the better in many aspects of your life. http://www.vitalaffirmations.com/affirmations.htm#.UZolF3co6Uk

A practice I first tried about six years ago was to regularly watch the sunrise and repeat affirmations from a sheet of them I had accumulated. There was no one else around or noise and distractions. As the days passed I began to notice a difference in my mental attitude; slowly but surely it improved consistently. Now I know not to scoff at the good that simple things can do. Something does not have to be complicated in order to make a big different. I am grateful for the personal discovery that affirmations work. I continue the practice to this day. Insight comes when the student is ready to see it.

Belief consists in accepting
the affirmations of the soul;
unbelief, in denying them.
Ralph Waldo Emerson