Can’t/Won’t/Haven’t/Don’t

Good morning and welcome to a new day filled with possibilities!

Last night by chance I got pulled into the movie “The Adjustment Bureau” and watched the latter 3/4’s of it. I was moved by the story. I know it’s syrupy and filled with storybook fiction, but I can’t/won’t/haven’t/don’t plan to give up my hapless romantic ways. The desire for that sense of being is as indelibly stamped on me as the color of my eyes and the length of my arms. It just is!

My past is filled with a search for perfection in love. Over time becoming more aware and accepting of my own defects and failings has allowed me to see clearly that shortcoming and blemish is a portion of what makes me uniquely who I am. It is no longer the flawless and faultless romance I hope for. However, I won’t settle for less than what moves me to the core of my being. Never!

In my adult life, I haven’t experienced true romance. No one surprising me with dozens of flowers at work. No one sending me love notes. No one writing me poems about my beauty. No one whisking me off to the park for an intimate afternoon picnic. No one shouting at the top of their lungs their adoration for me in a public setting. The one and only time I experienced romance was in college–a phase in life lived in a vacuum that can’t be applied to any other aspects of “real life”. My boyfriend at the time was one of the sweetest, most thoughtful, hopeless romantics a girl could ask for. Thanks to a few lies and indiscretions, the bubble to my happy ending was burst before the ink on my college degree was dried. But I still fondly remember him as part of my movie romance that came partially to fruition.

I realize that there is much more to a successful and healthy relationship (which is ultimately what I want) than a few movie-inspired and grandiose romantic gestures, but I still desire to have a love that is unquestionably real and free. Because above all else, a movie-romance type of love to me is one that symbolizes an uninhibited approach to love, throwing caution to the wind, falling head first into an emotional whirlpool with reckless abandon. I want a romance where love isn’t afraid to show me its face. I want a romance that is willing to look ridiculous, even at the expense of its dignity. I want a romance that hits all 5 of my senses. I want a romance that regards me as its prized possession. I want…. a movie romance. From a post by gemmieboo on http://thatswhatgemsaid.wordpress.com/author/gemmieboo/

 unquestionably real and free
an uninhibited approach
caution to the wind

head first into an emotional whirlpool
reckless abandon

all 5 of my senses
isn’t afraid to show me its face
willing to look ridiculous
I can do that!

I wish for the ability to know “movie romance” when it is before me and to act my part well. My constantly searching and questioning mind has caused me to walk right by love of that sort more than once. Thinking something better was possible there were times I simply did not give movie romance a real chance. I am grateful for that awareness and hope it allows me to never do that again.

…once I felt, even for a moment,
what I felt with you. You ruined me.
I didn’t want to settle for less.
Emily Blunt’s Character ‘Elise Sellas” in “The Adjustment Bureau”

Never Too Late To Have A Happy Childhood

Frequently it’s a simple thing that wakes or heightens my gratitude. A cloud in the sky, a stunning flower, a memory, a dream, a hope, watching a small child or even a feeling that arrives from a source unknown. This morning I came across the children’s poem below that talks about a whimsical carefree life a make-believe trout might have. While complete fantasy, the spirit of it put a smiling feeling inside me at the start of my day.

“The Wishing Fish” by Thomas Vorce

What if you could be a trout
And splash and flip
And flop about.

Amidst the river’s ripples you
Would catch sun shimmers
And renew the summer wind.

You’d stop to chat
With ‘trouty’ friends
And make amends.

Or discourse on the willow’s bend.
The gala of the water’s course,
Like laughter of a child,
Would run along your gullet
With the mystery of the wild.

And every wish you ever heard
Would be in chorus with the birds.
As palettes made of rainbows play,
You’d flap your fins
To greet the day.

Along the banks you’d rest at night
And fire flies like lamps would light
The glowing of the August Moon,
Where fish make wishes of their own
And all the best remains unknown.

In childhood I found nursery rhymes and fairy tales caused great mystery and fantasy to unfold in my mind. Then I could imagine such things might happen and could even see them in my child’s theatre of the mind. While mostly dormant for a long time, I am grateful the child within is awakened.  Being able to feel the wonder of make-believe again is a wonderful gift that I appreciate more at this age than I ever did as a child.  I am grateful the sad child of youth has found some measure contentment and gladness for living.  I have found it is never too late to have a happy childhood.

Fantasies are more than substitutes for unpleasant reality;
they are also dress rehearsals, plans.
All acts performed in the world begin in the imagination.
Barbara Grizzuti Harrison