destiny

In a Small Space

/ James Browning

Oak and Crescent Moon

This is one of those days when a lot can be said in a small space. Here goes:

This life
is for
loving,
sharing,
learning,
smiling,
caring,
forgiving,
laughing,
hugging,
helping,
dancing,
wondering,
healing,
and even more loving.
I choose to live life this way.
I want to live my life
in such a way
that when I get out of bed
in the morning,
the devil says, “aw s#!t, he’s up!”
Steve Maraboli

And for today that’s ’nuff said. I am grateful for the reminder of the man I aspire to be.

I don’t want to get to the end of my life
and find that I have just lived the length of it.
I want to have lived the width of it as well.
Diane Ackerman

My Treasury of Time

/ James Browning

hourglass EDITEverything is always changing no matter how much we wish for it not to. It is the way of the world. Nothing is permanent. At birth each life starts evaporating, accelerating more rapidly all the time. Even with a loving life made with another a day will come when they will likely depart this Earth one at a time. And likewise go friends, family and everyone we know. Everything is just for its time, and no more. My accumulation of years is not such that all in Saxe’s poem below belongs to me. However, a good bit of it does. Even more I can feel and see it on the horizon.

My days pass pleasantly away;
My nights are blest with sweetest sleep;
I feel no symptoms of decay;
I have no cause to mourn nor weep;
My foes are impotent and shy;
My friends are neither false nor cold,
And yet, of late, I often sigh–
I am growing old!

My growing talk of olden times,
My growing thirst for early news,
My growing apathy to rhymes,
My growing love of easy shoes,
My growing hate of crowds and noise,
My growing fear of taking cold,
All whisper, in the plainest voice,
I’m growing old!

I’m growing fonder of my staff;
I’m growing dimmer in the eyes;
I’m growing fainter in my laugh;
I’m growing deeper in my sighs;
I’m growing careless of my dress;
I’m growing frugal of my gold;
I’m growing wise; I’m growing–yes–
I’m growing old!

I see it in my changing taste;
I see it in my changing hair;
I see it in my growing waist;
I see it in my growing heir;
A thousand signs proclaim the truth,
As plain as truth was ever told,
That, even in my vaunted youth,
I’m growing old!

Ah me!–my very laurels breathe
The tale in my reluctant ears,
And every boon the Hours bequeath
But makes me debtor to the Years!
Even flattery’s honeyed words declare
The secret she would fain withhold,
And tells me in “How young you are!”
I’m growing old!

Thanks for the years!–whose rapid flight
My somber Muse too sadly sings;
Thanks for the gleams of golden light
That tint the darkness of their wings;
The light that beams from out the sky,
Those heavenly mansions to unfold
Where all are blest, and none may sigh,
“I’m growing old!”
By John Godfrey Saxe (1816-1887)

Gratitude thrives in me for every hour lived and resounds even more strongly for each one remaining. Today I strive to make better choices more true to the hopes and dreams I hold. With my treasury of time dropping like sand through an hour-glass I have little to spend on anything except being true to what contributes to happiness.

Real generosity towards the future
lies in giving all to the present.
Albert Camus

The Desire Within

/ James Browning

greenhouse-long-rowI began three times to write down my thoughts here this morning and abandoned each attempt because I could not focus so the words would flow. Some days there is so much swirling in my thoughts and feelings that isolating on one to write about becomes impossible. Those are those days when to even try is futile; like day. Instead I borrow words from other writers that in some small way express a few of the random thoughts I cannot find words for.

You make lists in your head about what you want in a lover,
like brown hair and a sweet voice.
A sharp mind and a soft heart,
a sense of humor that actually makes you laugh like you mean it.
This and that. And it’s all BS.
Because people aren’t lists.
And I’ve always wanted to be the person who made someone realize that.
I want to come across someone with a list in their head
that is nothing like the person I am,
and I want to show them
what they didn’t even know they were looking for.
People who think they know what they want are fooling themselves.
Nobody really knows what they want.
Not until it’s right in front of them.
Marianna Paige

I’ll go out there and make my mistakes.
I’ll fall down, get hurt, cry, laugh, love, and get back up.
I’ll stand on the highest mountaintop and go into the deepest caverns.
I’ll roam across the world, visit the moon and swim in outer space.
I’ll let my imagination run wild and let my spirit soar.
Why?
Because when my life flashes before my eyes in those final moments,
I want to have something worthwhile to watch,
with plenty of love and laughter, good times and bad.
I don’t want to regret a thing and I plan not to.
Remember, it’s not usually the things you do that you regret,
it’s the things you don’t do and leave unsaid.
Laugh out loud.
Cry in the rain.
Love with all your heart and soul.
Get hurt.
Tell the truth.
Go crazy.
But never forget that you only get one shot.
One shot at this day, one shot at this minute.
One shot at this age.
One shot at life.
So make sure your life is one
you will enjoy watching in your final moments.
Anna Floyd

If there were no great writers whose work I could read, I would never have become one who loves reading so much. And if I had not grown to love the written word, I would never have attempted to put my thoughts down for someone else to read. Be my attempts ever so humble, I am deeply grateful for the desire within that drives me to share myself in written form.

Sometimes the bad things
that happen in our lives
put us directly on the path
to the best things
that will ever happen to us.
Unknown

The Only Point of Certainty

/ James Browning

Romantical%20LovePreviously mentioned here is a book I began work on in 2008; a fictional love story titled “A Year From Wednesday”.  There is so much deep feeling of all types included I stopped work due to sheer emotional exhaustion. Although over half done, I could not get past that barrier until now. Inspiration is back with my own life as the backdrop for my renewed desire to move forward. In gathering my thoughts to get my heart and mind in tune to continue, time has been spent reading on line. The following is from an insightful article that came into my view this morning.

Love is a light that allows people to see things that are not seen by others. Romantic love is a deep emotional, sexual and spiritual recognition and regard for the value of another person and relationship. Romantic love can generate many powerful feelings. It can provide a profound ecstasy, and a deep suffering when frustrated.

It is a profound longing. A desire that is difficult to extinguish. Romantic love is not something that must crumble when faced with practical realities. Romantic love is not something just for youth.

Most people never learn how to sustain a loving relationship. The reason is simple. Nobody showed them. The mere fact that a man and woman feel love toward each other does not guarantee they will be able to create a joyful and rewarding life. Love does not automatically teach a person communication skills. Love does not teach a person how to resolve a conflict. Love does not teach people how to weave their love into the rest of their life.

Romantic love is a powerful way to express our capacity to love and to be loved. It is a way to focus our energy, our curiosity, and our desire for adventure. Romantic love is a source of pleasure and inspiration and is worth pursuing. Romantic love is a blessing of life. Romantic love confirms our lovable and capable nature.

Romantic love is based on shared sight and is shaped by happiness. Immature love is based on shared blindness, and is merely a fortress against pain. Romantic love is a sanctuary, and a source of nourishment and energy. Sometimes romantic love is the only point of certainty, and the only thing that is solid and real in the midst of chaos and ambiguity. Michael Grayson Conner, Psy.D, http://www.oregoncounseling.org/articlespapers/documents/romaticlovemc.htm

For the desire to get back to work on the beautiful love story I began spinning into a book long ago I am very grateful.  Motivation has come when I did not expect it and the richness of the inspiration is powerful beyond any I’ve had. This will be the year I finish “A Year From Wednesday”!

True love cannot be found where it truly does not exist,
Nor can it be hidden where it truly does.
Unknown

Comfort On Difficult Days

/ James Browning

558629_wrong_turn_okay1The first day of the year yesterday found me filled with hope and anticipation for what will be a grand year of discovery and exploration. Reflecting this morning on my sense of what is to come I began to wonder what is so different now compared to past years. With little thought the answer jumped into my mind quickly: “I am not afraid of failing”.

So what could happen when I fail?

Answer: I could look foolish to others.
Response: I don’t care that much anymore.

Answer: It could cost me a lot of money.
Response: I’ll make more or live more simply.

Answer: I could end up in a worse place than I have ever been.
Response: Not likely. Remember what you went through as a kid. You survived!

Answer: I could lose some of my confidence.
Response: Rebuild it. Failure is only permanent when I stop trying. Try again.

Answer: It may not turn out the way I hoped.
Response: So what! Embrace what comes and embrace unexpected happenings.

Answer: I could alienate friends by going after my dreams.
Response: If they don’t support me in pursuit of my dreams, they are not my friends.

What every man who succeeded at his dreams had in common with others was his failures. Thomas Edison attempted to invent the light bulb 1,000 times before he succeeded. Walt Disney was fired by a newspaper editor for lack of imagination! Dr. Seuss’ first book was rejected 28 times. The biggest mistake I could make is to think I lack the stuff they had. Failures and mistakes are not supposed to paralyze me; they’re supposed to help me come to know who I am and what makes me the most content and happy.

From a poem by an unknown author here’s what I wish for us all:

Comfort on difficult days,
Smiles when sadness intrudes,
Rainbows to follow the clouds,
Laughter to kiss your lips,
Sunsets to warm your heart,
Hugs when spirits sag,
Beauty for your eyes to see,
Friendships to brighten your being,
Faith so that you can believe,
Confidence for when you doubt,
Courage to know yourself,
Patience to accept the truth,
Love to complete your life.

There’s much to do and my prospects for 2013 are exciting. I am grateful for the unexpected happenings and fresh opportunities that are swirling around me now in a soup of life that seems to be trying to make my dreams come true. And all I have to do is show up, do my part, belief in myself and not be afraid to fail.

Don’t wait.
The time will never be just right.
Napoleon Hill

To Know Without Knowing How

/ James Browning

Country Valley with Storm CloudsWhile uncertain where the knowing comes from, my intuition is convinced 2013 will be a highly meaningful and eventful year for me; one filled with change, dreams moving closer and hopes coming true. One day in retrospect I will look back on this new year and realize what a pivotal time will have been.

How do I know that? Call it gut, hunch, sixth sense or whatever, I just know! After I faced the majority of my “childhood monsters” and gained dominion over them, I began with greater certainty to randomly know without knowing how I knew. This instinct is completely unpredictable and can’t be applied to any just subject or at any particular time. I have no control over the insights. They come when they come.

Being stubborn and bull-headed as I can be, simply believing my intuitive feelings was a struggle at first (and often still is). My mind will begin trying to figure out what it perceives my gut is telling me. Then my brain wants to think it has control of everything and puffs my ego up to try to take credit for what insight I am feeling. When logic makes no sense out of one of my “feelings” my mind then tries to label a hunch as fictional bull crap. Next comes denial that any sort of real intuition really exists. Then the sparring between thought and soul based feelings begins in earnest.

I have learned to tell my mind to “shut up” and it actually does what I ask sometimes. Once the noise in my head settles down a bit I can then begin to take in more clearly the intuitive feeling I am having. Personally I have discovered most of the time I am naturally pulled toward what I should do and repelled by what I shouldn’t do. All I have to do is get still enough to notice it.

It is my opinion we all have a sixth sense of sorts and if you ask me to explain it I can’t. Yet, my certainty is not harmed in the least by not knowing how it works. Science has no idea exactly how my brain really works either, but I know it exists. The same is true for the “knowings” that come to me.

The principle of my sixth sense was illustrated to me many times before I really began to believe in it. Hundreds of times I have gone to leave the house, picked something up to take with me and then put it down then repeated the up/down indecision several times. On occasions when I gave in to the hunch what I grabbed turned out to come in very useful. And when I refused to give in, often later I discovered why I should have brought it with me. And even when it didn’t, I have been left on frequently with the feeling that those few seconds of indecision may have kept me from a car accident or something of the sort.

Do I believe that everything is preordained destiny? No, I don’t. While at birth my path is set in motion to a degree by who my parents are, my physical attributes, nationality, level of intelligence and so on, my path is in majority that of my own choice. My belief is the moments of knowing without knowing spring up to help me make good choices and help me along the life as I choose it. Call it instinctive creativity, if you will, that can be applied to what I do and how I live. It’s no more mysterious than a moment of brilliance an artist has about the next piece of art they are going to create. Such impetus comes from the same inspirational well as my intuition.

Round and around in six paragraphs I have attempted to explain the inexplicable. To tell you how I know 2013 will personally be a remarkable year is beyond me, but my belief is unwavering. How in April 2011 I woke up to the certain knowing to begin and write this daily blog I can’t explain. To think I could be consistent enough to post every day for almost two years I would have argued to exhaustion was beyond me, but I have. From the same source comes my certainty about the coming year.

Sitting and waiting for things to happen is not how life works and certainly not how my intuition works. I have to do the work and heavy lifting. Choices must be made and decisions decided upon. Deep down I have a compass of guidance beyond rational thought. I won’t even bother to try to explain any further what I know with certainty. My gratitude overflows in knowing 2013 will be one of the best lived years of my life filled with abundant change, profound experiences and significant fulfillment beyond my current perceptions to grasp.

And above all, watch with glittering eyes
the whole world around you
because the greatest secrets are always hidden
in the most unlikely places.
Those who don’t believe in magic will never find it.
Roald Dahl

22 Years Later

/ James Browning

LOVE-LETTER-large570

Beautiful love stories still happen. This is from Huffington Post:

Cathy Knorr and Trevor Webb tied the knot, their relationship came full circle — and they had a middle school love letter to prove it.

At their October wedding, the couple, who met during sixth grade in 1990, displayed a letter Webb wrote to Knorr in middle school urging her to go out with him. Photographer Aislinn Kate Rehwinkel snapped a photo of the letter and it was posted on Reddit on Tuesday.

“Dear Cathy, I still like you and I still want you to go with me. I know Brad likes you. Please decide who you’re going to go with. Think hard and let me know your decision. I’ll be standing at the end of this hall and the beginning of the other hall. Meet me there as soon as school’s out and you can tell me. Sincerely, Trevor,” the letter reads.

“DON’T LET ANYONE SEE THIS,” it says at the top.

Knorr told HuffPost Weddings that she did meet Webb at the end of the hall and they dated for two weeks. But Knorr dumped Webb for another boy.

“He playfully reminds me from time to time, ‘You broke my heart and dumped me for Alex Norris!'” Knorr said.

Knorr and Webb eventually rebuilt their friendship, and remained best friends despite living in different cities after high school. They both returned to their hometown of Pensacola, Florida, in 2006, and Webb broke up with the girl he’d been dating shortly after that.

“Several weeks later we shared an unexpected and fateful kiss on the beach, having never blurred the lines of friendship. I thought to myself, ‘Well, that’s what I’ve been missing all these years!'” Knorr told HuffPost. “Since that day we have been inseparable.”

Webb proposed to Knorr at an ice skating rink where he had given her a ring in middle school (this time, he gave her a diamond). Knorr had kept Webb’s middle school love letter in a shoebox in her closet and displayed it at their wedding.

“Trevor is a bit embarrassed of how insistent it sounded, but we sure did get a kick out of reading it and sharing it with others. I’m lucky to have found such a beautiful love in a best friend,” Knorr said. “I wish I had come to my senses sooner!”http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/11/30/love-letter_n_2214622.html

So much is said and written today about relationships that don’t work or don’t work well. It warms my heart to know there are still real life “Cinderella and the handsome prince” stories. I am grateful for the reminder that good love between a man and woman is not as rare as I sometimes think it is.

I could not tell you if I loved you the first moment I saw you,
or if it was the second or third or fourth.
But I remember the first moment I looked at you
walking toward me and realized that somehow
the rest of the world seemed to vanish when I was with you.
Cassandra Clare

The Great Adventure

/ James Browning

through the forestHelen Keller once wrote: “Character cannot be developed in ease and quiet. Only through experience of trial and suffering can the soul be strengthened, vision cleared, ambition inspired and success achieved.”

The trial and suffering of growing older has changed my perspective, especially about myself. It was an old habit to try to put a happy face on most everything. When I was down the feelings were hidden from others. Emotional anguish was rarely shown except when those feelings got lose to be a tidal wave aimed at someone. My opinions expressed were most often those which generally went along with the group I was with. Rarely did I express dissenting thoughts and worst yet, often I was unsure what my opinion really was.

I always used to try to be as perfect as I could because I felt so deeply imperfect. It was like a part of me was missing that I never seemed to be able to find. A sense of incompleteness dogged me into all I did.

That was then and this is now. Here are a few lessons my best tutor called “life” has taught me in the “school of hard knocks”.

1. Others don’t cause me to feel inferior. Almost all the time making me feel less than is an habitual inside job.
2. All of us falls apart once in a while. It’s part of gaining a fresh perspective on things.
3. Everyone wonders if they look good enough to others. Lesson learned is most others are barely paying attention to me
4. No one has all the answers all the time. Some answers never come and that is normal.
5. Life is not a puzzle where all the pieces fit. Living is an irregular experience. Otherwise each life lived could not be unique.
6. Crying once in a while is normal. If it’s been months since I last shed a tear, something is wrong.
7. No one has life fully under control and knows all the answers. Allowing me to think others do is a lie told to myself.
8. Trying to look quite young when you’re older makes a mature person look immature. Looking good for my age is more important than appearing twenty years younger.
9. Life passes quickly, more so with age. It’s important not to put off my life’s “can’t not do’s” for too long.
10. Taking a “personal day” for mental health is not screwing off. One in a while getting “emotional flu” is normal as is self-care to get through it.

Aging is not a steady neurological dive… We assume that because memory speed and efficiency decline, all of cognition declines, but, for example, studies have shown that seniors actually have better retention of what they read and are less emotionally reactive when viewing negative images. Older individuals tend to have greater wisdom, the capacity for deep, intimate relationships, and an incredible potential for artistic creativity. (Case in point: Dancer Martha Graham choreographed 10 new ballets from age 75 until her death at 96.) Also, they simply have a more positive outlook on life… There’s a sense of Happiness and contentment when you’re older that you just don’t have when you’re younger. http://www.psychologytoday.com/articles/201110/lifes-new-timeline

Slowly I have arrived at a hypothesis that the last third of life can be the absolute best. The first step is to accept the age I am and stop wishing to be otherwise. Occasionally I think about being in my 20’s again and quickly think “no thanks, too much change and chaos”. How about the 30’s and my response is “nope, that’s the decade of being too self focused through work and other interests. How about being 40 something again which is “a little tempting, but was a decade of denial that brought life crashing down on me later”. Being in my 50’s I am certain I don’t want to do this decade again because “it has been filled with painful growth and a revolution of my core thinking”.

So where does that leave me at fifty-nine years old? Looking forward to my 60’s 70’s, 80’s and beyond with hopes good health stays with me. I am deeply grateful for the great adventure my life has been so far. From the dark emotional jungles to the scorching heat in the deserts of the unknown, I am grateful for it all.

Life is about trusting your feelings
and taking chances,
losing and finding happiness,
appreciating the memories,
learning from the past,
and realizing people change.
Anonymous

The Cloud and the Dune

/ James Browning

A young cloud was born in the midst of a great storm over the Mediterranean Sea, but he did not even have time to grow up there, for a strong wind pushed all the clouds over towards Africa. As soon as the clouds reached the continent, the climate changed. A bright sun was shining in the sky and stretched out beneath them, lay the golden sands of the Sahara. Since it almost never rains in the desert, the wind continued pushing the clouds towards the forests in the south.

Meanwhile, as happens with young humans too, the young cloud decided to leave his parents and his older friends in order to discover the world. “What are you doing?” cried the wind. “The desert’s the same all over. Rejoin the other clouds, and we’ll go to Central Africa where there are amazing mountains and trees!”

But the young cloud, a natural rebel, refused to obey, and gradually, he dropped down until he found a gentle, generous breeze that allowed him to hover over the golden sands. After much to-ing and fro-ing, he noticed that one of the dunes was smiling at him.

He saw that the dune was also young, newly formed by the wind that had just passed over. He fell in love with her golden hair right there and then. “Good morning,” he said. “What’s life like down there?”

“I have the company of the other dunes, of the sun and the wind, and of the caravans that occasionally pass through here. Sometimes it’s really hot, but it’s still bearable. What’s life like up there?”

“We have the sun and the wind too, but the good thing is that I can travel across the sky and see more things.”

“For me”, said the dune, “life is short. When the wind returns from the forests, I will disappear.”

“And does that make you sad?”

“It makes me feel that I have no purpose in life.”

“I feel the same. As soon as another wind comes along, I’ll go south and be transformed into the rain; but that is my destiny.”

The dune hesitated for a moment, then said: “Did you know that here in the desert, we call the rain paradise?”

“I had no idea I could ever be that important,” said the cloud proudly.

“I’ve heard other older dunes tell stories about the rain. They say that, after the rain, we are all covered with grass and flowers. But I’ll never experience that, because in the desert it rains so rarely.”

It was the cloud’s turn to hesitate now. Then he smiled broadly and said: “If you like, I could rain on you now. I know I’ve only just got here, but I love you, and I’d like to stay here for ever.”

“When I first saw you up in the sky, I fell in love with you too”, said the dune. “But if you transform your lovely white hair into rain, you will die.” “Love never dies”, said the dune. “It is transformed , and besides, I want to show you what paradise is like.”

And he began to caress the dune with little drops of rain, so that they could stay together for longer, until a rainbow appeared. The following day, the little dune was covered in flowers. Other clouds that passed over, heading for Africa, thought that it must be part of the forest they were looking for and scattered more rain. Twenty years later, the dune had been transformed into an oasis that refreshed travelers with the shade of its trees.

And all because, one day, a cloud fell in love, and was not afraid to give his life for that love.

“The Cloud and the Dune” fable by priest and theologian Bruno Ferrero*, came to me unforeseen when doing a completely unrelated search. The story’s simplistic beauty and wisdom moved me to share this delightful teaching tale. For the second day in a row coincidence, or as I choose to think my Higher power, bought me an unexpected catalyst to grow my measure of morning gratitude.

True love is like ghosts,
which everybody talks about
and few have seen.
Francis Duc de La Rochefoucauld

*Find Bruno Ferrero’s blog “Circle of Joy” here: http://doina-touchinghearts.blogspot.com/2012/09/circle-of-joy-by-bruno-ferrero.html

The Place You Were Meant To Be

/ James Browning

Yesterday my favorite used book store had a “buy two get one free” sale I took advantage of. One I picked up for a couple of dollars is called “It I Had My Life To Live Over…” Edited by Sandra Haldeman Martz. It’s a collections of stories, thoughts and poems by older woman as they reflect on their lives. The ‘title’ piece and the inspiration to buy the book is called “I’d Pick more Daisies” by Nadine Stair. It’s beautiful. Read for yourself.

If I had my life to live over, I’d dare to make more mistakes next time. I’d relax, I would limber up. I would be sillier than I have been this trip.

I would take fewer things seriously. I would take more chances. I would climb more mountains and swim more rivers.

I would eat more ice cream and less beans. I would perhaps have more actual troubles, but I’d have fewer imaginary ones.

You see, I’m one of those people who lived sensibly and sanely, hour after hour, day after day. Oh, I’ve had my moments, and if I had to do it over again, I’d have more of them. In fact, I’d try to have nothing else. Just moments, one after another, instead of living so many years ahead of each day.

I’ve been one of those persons who never goes anywhere without a thermometer, a hot water bottle, a raincoat and a parachute. If I had to do it again, I would travel lighter than I have.

If I had my life to live over, I would start barefoot earlier in the spring and stay that way later in the fall.

I would go to more dances.

I would ride more merry-go-rounds.

I would pick more daisies.

Stop and see; slow down and notice. What really matters comes to me through small messages such as “I’d Pick More Daisies” crossing my path.  As I have slowly become more aware, without looking for them, reminders come regularly to heighten my awareness and point me forward.  It was the beginning of being “present” which was the hardest, but with that behind me a good way now, clarity comes consistently in small bits and pieces.  I am grateful for every one of them!

If you can see how limitless you really can be
without lessening someone else’s reputation,
values or experiences, then step forward
into the place you were meant to be.
Danielle Maylyn