caring about others

A Real, True Friend

/ James Browning

Being middle-aged can be a wonderful thing. By the time this fall season of life rolls around one has had enough life experience to potentially assemble some level of wisdom. It’s not automatic. Just staying alive to 40 or 50 something does not guarantee becoming more wise. If one pays attention though, some of the greatest gifts of life make themselves abundantly present and known.

It has been written that joy is the mirror reflection of grief, and conversely grief is the reversed likeness of joy. The more one knows of one, the more fully the other can be felt and comprehended. Nothing broadens and enlivens the joy of life more than a true and dear friend. Nothing makes a burden easier to carry than their loving are.

“A Priceless Gift” by Helen Steiner Rice

Friendship is a priceless gift
That can’t be bought or sold,
But its value is far greater
Than a mountain made of gold.

For gold is cold and lifeless,
It cannot see nor hear,
And in your times of trouble,
It is powerless to cheer.

It has no ears to listen,
No heart to understand.
It cannot bring you comfort
Or reach out a helping hand.

So when you ask God for a gift,
Be thankful that he sends,
Not diamonds, pearls, or riches,
But the love of a real, true friend.

When we honestly ask ourselves which person in our lives mean the most to us, we often find that it is those who, instead of giving advice, solutions, or cures, have chosen rather to share our pain and touch our wounds with a warm and tender hand. The friend who can be silent with us in a moment of despair or confusion, who can stay with us in an hour of grief and bereavement, who can tolerate not knowing, not curing, not healing and face with us the reality of our powerlessness, that is a friend who cares. Henri J. M. Nouwen

Often while traveling on business, I take an extra day or two to visit with a friend when I am in their part of the country. For the last two days I have been blessed to hang out with my friend Sam in Cincinnati. It’s fascinating how a co-worker of years ago has become such a beloved friend over time. On a spiritual and emotional level no one “gets me” as well as he does. Beyond my ability to express fully my feelings, I am grateful for Sam’s presence in my life. “I love you Dude!”

If you live to be a hundred,
I want to live to be a hundred minus one day
so I never have to live without you.
‘Winnie-the-Pooh” (A.A. Milne)

The Gift to My Life

/ James Browning

Sometimes a picture truly is worth a thousand words. When I saw this photo for the first time this morning, feelings of intense gratitude for my son washed over me and brought a happy tear to my eye. He is far from perfect, but has become the man a father can be truly proud of. This Saturday he turns 30 years old and seeing the image above brought instant feelings of  gratefulness for the gift to my life he has always been. Happy Birthday Nick!

What Is A Dad?

A dad is someone who
wants to catch you before you fall
but instead picks you up,
brushes you off,
and lets you try again.

A dad is someone who
wants to keep you from making mistakes
but instead lets you find your own way,
even though his heart breaks in silence
when you get hurt.

A dad is someone who
holds you when you cry,
scolds you when you break the rules,
shines with pride when you succeed,
and has faith in you even when you fail…
What Is A Dad? Writer Unknown

Peebles and Grains of Sand

/ James Browning

Every day I change the world. We all do. Not often in big ways, but constantly in small, at first glance relatively unmeaning ways.

If in traffic on my way to work someone cuts me off, I can honk making sure they see while I shake my fist and show my displeasure with a hand gesture. Or I can just let it go with a thought about the apparent emptiness in a person’s life who can so easily mistreat another. What did I send into the world? In refraining from not making a thoughtless person even more so at least I did not make matters worse for all he/she comes in contact with!

Riding the elevator up to my office I can choose to stand in the corner silently while the other passenger stands solemn and seemingly lost in thought. I can leave him/her to arrive at work with that apathetic guise to exhibit to co-workers. Or I can smile, say some innocuous like “good morning, sure is hot out isn’t it?”. Maybe they will smile or maybe they won’t, but will go into their day knowing a stranger at least noticed their existence.

During my lunch break I can take the time to call a friend who is having a difficult time and by showing I care lighten their load a little. Their day will be a little better and quite possibly so will anyone’s who comes in contact with them.

I know such thoughts may sound a little “namby pamby” at first, but everything I do (everything you do) sends a tiny wave into the world like pebbles dropped into a lake. Collectively a million pebbles dropped near the same time can create a tidal wave.

A smile, a kind word, a thoughtful expression, a caring act are each one nothing earth-shattering, but such things do matter. Am I being hokey, simplistic and naive?  Possibly and if so that’s just fine.  The world could use a little more of that and a bit less grit and reality!  In small ways separately and collectively we ALL affect the world around us every day.

What is considerably more meaningful is that I witness everything I do or say. How do my actions make me feel? When I do the right thing, when I exercise restraint, thoughtfulness or consideration I feel good. When the lessons learned well from past mistakes show themselves positively I am proud of myself. Those little positive bits and pieces are gifts I give myself specifically and to the world generally. 

I am grateful for starting my morning with the thought that more than any other factor how I act today will determine how I feel at the end of it. There’s a real opportunity to make a positive contribution to the world, although admittedly small, but meaningful just the same. Little things we all do, good or bad, accumulate to total something significant much like grains of sand can create a beach.

“All ye Poets of the Age!
All ye Witlings of the Stage!
Learn your Jingles to reform!
Crop your Numbers and Conform:
Let your little Verses flow
Gently, Sweetly, Row by Row:
Let the Verse the Subject fit;
Little Subject, Little Wit.
From “Namby Pamby” by Henry Carey

Two Ears and One Mouth

/ James Browning

Oliver Wendell Holmes wrote, Talking is like playing on the harp; there is as much in laying the hand on the strings to stop their vibration as in twanging them to bring out their music.

My translation: it’s just as important to stop talking as it is to talk. I already know what I think and there’s little new going to come to me by talking about it. Different perspectives from others will often benefit me but is only possible by being a good listener.

I say all that to say, I am not a particularly good listener. I’m working on that though. Awareness helps and by keeping it forefront mentally growth is noticeable, but doesn’t come rapidly. Ingrained habits change slowly.

A question each person silently asks when meeting someone else is “Do you care about me”.  There are few things that show I care like paying attention to what someone else has to say. At that moment I am making that person one of the most important elements of my life and giving a meaningful gift that rarely goes appreciated.

An old axiom says if you spend a half hour with someone you’ve just met and let them talk for 25 minutes of the time, their impression will be you are an amusing and interesting person to talk to; someone they hope to see again soon.

To listen fully means to pay close attention to what is being said beneath the words. You listen not only to the ‘music,’ but to the essence of the person speaking. You listen not only for what someone knows, but for what he or she is. Ears operate at the speed of sound, which is far slower than the speed of light the eyes take in. Generative listening is the art of developing deeper silences in yourself, so you can slow your mind’s hearing to your ears’ natural speed, and hear beneath the words to their meaning. (Peter Senge)

A personal big step forward came when I began to stop myself from thinking about I am going to say next while another was talking. When my attention is inside my own head focused on my own thoughts while another talks I always miss a fair amount of what was being said.  I am grateful for the reminder that listening is one of the most valuable gifts I can grant to another.

We have two ears and one mouth
so that we can listen twice as much as we speak.
Epictetus