Wisdom

What Is Love?

/ James Browning / 2 Comments

“What is love” is an ancient riddle that has been pondered for centuries without anything near a comprehensible answer.  I have no clearer explanation to articulate than the generations before me.  My best explanation contains only three words: “love just is”.  

Indian guri Paramahansa Yogananda who introduced many westerners to Eastern teachings and meditation, expressed clearly why trying to define love is like attempting to nail Jello to a tree when he said “to describe love is very difficult, for the same reason that words cannot fully describe the flavor of an orange. You have to taste the fruit to know its flavor…” 

Twenty years ago in a study done jointly by the University of Nevada-Las Vegas and Tulane University they found examples of romantic love in at least 147 of the 166 cultures studied. This discovery in one swoop wiped out the idea that love is an invention of the Western mind rather than a biological fact.  Romantic love is a universal phenomenon and a human characteristic stretching across cultures.

Children have an almost clairvoyant ability to know and express the unabashed truth.  In their naïveté and innocence there can be a perceptual clarity that becomes largely lost with age.  A list of thoughts about “love” from four to nine-year olds has floated around for a while and it lends about as much accuracy as is humanly possible to the question “what is love?” Here are a few from that list:

”When someone loves you, the way they say your name is different. You know that your name is safe in their mouth.” Billy – age 4

“Love is when you go out to eat and give somebody most of your French fries without making them give you any of theirs.”  Chrissy – age 6

“Love is what makes you smile when you’re tired.” Terri – age 4

“Love is when my Mommy makes coffee for my Daddy and she takes a sip before giving it to him, to make sure the taste is OK.” Danny – age 7

“Love is when you tell a guy you like his shirt, then he wears it everyday.” Noelle – age 7 

“Love is like a little old woman and a little old man who are still friends even after they know each other so well.” Tommy – age 6

“Love is when Mommy gives Daddy the best piece of chicken.”  Elaine – age 5
 
“Love is when Mommy sees Daddy smelly and sweaty and still says he is handsomer than Robert Redford.” Chris – age 7

“You really shouldn’t say ‘I love you’ unless you mean it. But if you mean it, you should say it a lot. People forget.”  Jessica – age 8

 “It’s better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need somebody to clean up after them.” Lynette – 9

“If falling in love is anything like learning how to spell, I don’t want to do it. It takes too long.” Leo – 7)

“I’m in favor of love as long as it doesn’t happen when “The Simpsons” is on television.” Anita – 6

“”It’s love if they order one of those desserts that are on fire. They like to order those because it’s just like how their hearts are on fire.” Christine – 9 

Love will find you, even if you are trying to hide from it. I have been trying to hide from it since I was five, but the girls keep finding me.” Bobby – 8

Albert Einstein, said “How on earth are you ever going to explain in terms of chemistry and physics so important a biological phenomenon as first love?”  Trying to answer the “what is love” question is a completely impossible undertaking.  If Albert Einstein says so, it must be true.  I may not be able to describe love with precise detail but I sure know it when I feel it.  That is enough for me and I am grateful. 

Love is a temporary madness.  It erupts like an earthquake and then subsides.  And when it subsides you have to make a decision.  You have to work out whether your roots have become so entwined together that it is inconceivable that you should ever part.  Because this is what love is.  Love is not breathlessness, it is not excitement, it is not a decree of promises of eternal passion.  That is just being “in love” which any of us can convince ourselves we are.  Love itself is what is left over when being in love has burned away, and this is both an art and a fortunate accident.  Your mother and I had it, we had roots that grew towards each other underground, and when all the pretty blossoms had fallen from our branches we found that we were one tree and not two. 
St. Augustine

Soul Mates

/ James Browning / 3 Comments

If one goes looking for a definition of ‘soul mate’ you’ll find something like: two persons compatible with each other in disposition, point of view and sensitivity. Someone for whom you have a deep affinity, similarity, and compatibility and they for you.   

In his Plato’s dialogue “The Symposium”, Aristophanes presents a story about soul mates.  In it humans originally had four arms, four legs, and a single head made of two faces, but Zeus feared their power and split them all in half, condemning them to spend their lives searching for the other half to complete them.  It is from just such a lovely story that the concept of “split-aparts” and “soul mates” likely grew. 

Years and years are frequently spent by many searching for that one “soul mate”.  A deep yearning drives those for a near perfect match.  The common assumption is, if and when, that ideal counterpart is found; “happily-ever-after” comes true until parted by death. 

Over time my beliefs about soul mates has evolved and changed.  For years I labored under the concept there was one, and only one woman in the world that was meant just for me and I for them.  My belief in soul mates is still strong, but now it is clear to me some people may have several soul mates in a lifetime. 

My perfect fit in my 20’s ended up being quite different from the soul mate that fit me in my 40’s.  While the basic underpinnings of whom I am remained relatively constant, true needs and wants evolved and morphed over time.  It is that changing and growing, sometimes in different directions that can make what was once a union of soul mates into a union of two near strangers that ends a relationship.   A person may come into my life as a mutually perfect fit for a time and then not be later. 

Hindsight has a certain clarity that a short-term view does do not.  In retrospect I can see that my first wife was my soul mate at the time we met.  She brought to my life stability, compassion and my first real experience with adult love.  In many ways I flourished with her and that stability helped me to build a successful career and some degree of contentment.  There was seven years of a good marriage.  Things change, people evolve and relationships drift.  We did just that.  Habit and comfort replaced the originally shared intimacy and joy until there was no glue to hold us together anymore. 

My second marriage was also to a soul mate.  She brought to my life a sweetness of love with a sort of innocent and beautiful naïveté.  With her I learned to have good old-fashioned fun which I had mostly denied myself previously.  It was in this relationship I was able to let go and love with all my heart and soul, something I had been unable to do before.  The roller coaster manner of the relationship came from dysfunctions that were conditioned into us as children.  In some ways we never really had a long-term chance, but for a time joy reigned between us.  It is ironic that the destruction of the relationship ended up being the motivator to get the help I needed and to get into recovery from my childhood junk.  Life and love are both highly mysterious journeys.

For times more brief I believe there may have been others that I can look back on and honestly say we were for a time soul mates.  Some were not lovers and instead the truest of friends.  It is the concept of having more than one soul mate during a lifetime I have come around to seeing.  That brings me great encouragement as it opens the door to believe yet another soul mate is out there waiting for our mutual discovery of each other. 

Maybe if we humans were only spiritual beings, two could find each other and spend a blissful eternity together.  We are flesh and blood though, with our imperfections, quirks, accumulated pain and narrow perceptions.   We change, grow up and grow old.  We mature and evolve.  We find wisdom through the trial and error of experience and those lessons transform us.    

This morning I have a happy heart with bright hope in my soul.  For those who have walked my path with me on a soul level, I am deeply grateful.  I thank you for your love, kindness, support, caring and all the good we shared.  I will never forget it.  For the future, I have hope that another that moves my soul will once again find me.  I am grateful to be the most ready for such a gift I have ever been.

People think a soul mate is your perfect fit, and that’s what everyone wants.  But a true soul mate is a mirror, the person who shows you everything that is holding you back, the person who brings you to your own attention so you can change your life.  A true soul mate is probably the most important person you’ll ever meet, because they tear down your walls and smack you awake.  A soul mate’s purpose is to shake you up, tear apart your ego a little bit, show you your obstacles and addictions, break your heart open so new light can get in, make you so out of control that you have to transform your life…  Elizabeth Gilbert

My BIG Wake Up Call

/ James Browning / 3 Comments

 As I walked from the secure area of the airport, there was a man holding a sign with my name on it like a limo driver might do.  It made no sense to me.  I was arriving home and expecting my wife to pick me up.  Having texted her after I made my connecting flight to let her know I would be arriving on time she had responded “OK”.  

My body language gave me away as I neared the man with the sign.  He looked directly at me and asked me “are you him” while pointing to my name.   I was bewildered as to what might be going on and my first thought was that something bad had happened to my wife.  I answered “yes, I’m him”.  He handed a large manila envelope to me and simply said “I’m sorry” and walked away. 

Quickly putting my bags down and opening the large envelope I started to read the note on top of a stack of legal looking papers.  It said:

The Aviator (car) is at Airport Parking under James Browning.  They have your keys.  I’ve moved your meds, closet belongings, stuff from your drawers, etc to the warehouse – right inside the door.   

Good-bye.  I do love you but am not able to trust you again after knowing what you have done.  I just can’t get over it.  I will hopefully be able to forgive you someday, but I will never be able to forget.  Good luck with your recovery, A.

Lifting the note underneath I saw “Petition for the Dissolution of Marriage”.  

The relationship preceding the marriage was troubled and the first year of the marriage was difficult as well.  The time ranged from near euphoric good moments to long days and nights filled with great anguish and pain.  We truly loved each other but our dysfunctions made coexistence arduously challenging.

Although I was faithful for five years while we dated and lived together, during a period of extreme pain and frustration I lost my direction completely and began an affair that I later partially admitted in marriage counseling.  My wife found that behavior unforgivable and I don’t blame her for feeling that way.  Had our roles been switched I would likely have felt the same.  

Looking back there is no complete explanation within of why the sex focused affair began and  the growing darkness surrounded me except through counseling I came to know I was sexually compulsive.  I learned that under duress an alcoholic drinks, an addict takes drugs and one sexually compulsive medicates with sex.  To each one the substance of choice is used to numb pain and alter reality, even if just for a short while.  Sharing that here is not intended as an excuse.  There are none for my actions. Rather, by public admission I am shining light into a dark corner of my life.  It is my hope by sharing my missteps I can find further relief for pain I still carry inside for the agony caused to my now ex-wife.  

The date I was legally served at the airport was Saturday, May 27, 2006 and I honestly don’t remember much specifically about the day.  Everything was surreal and felt if I was drifting within a very bad dream.  My recollection is that I went home to find the locks changed and no response to my knocks on the door.  After numerous tries I sat on the porch step for a good long while and eventually left.  The only place I could think to go was my office at work.  Thankfully it was a Saturday and no one saw me arrive.  I locked myself in my office without turning on the lights.  The next six hours were spent staring at the walls and changing passwords on-line with a good deal of crying interspersed.  

Somewhere near sundown the realization hit I had no place to spend the night and checked into a budget motel near my work which became my refuge for the next two weeks.  I slept little that night and those following with rest only coming when exhaustion overtook me.  

Since that time five years ago I have been deeply involved in counseling and recovery including five weeks at a wonderfully healing place in Arizona called “The Meadows”.  My time there was life changing beyond my ability to explain it.  Just before leaving my primary counselor there said to me “you came here to change your life.  Everyone can see it”.  She was correct and I am proud that growth continues today. 

The longest I have ever lived alone has been the last five years.  In a local recovery group I am active and attend two Codependence Anonymous meetings per week ( www.coda-tulsa.org ).  Today I am well, growing and happy and have healed a lot from the trauma of my difficult childhood where my dysfunctions are rooted.  I see my therapist only rarely.  She tells me I don’t need to see her anymore but I continue to check in with her a couple of times per year.  There is much gratitude for the great help she has been to me. 

Thinking about the day I was served divorce papers at the airport still conjures a hurt that is yet not completely healed.  Sharing here is a way of  letting go of “secrets” that are “poison” to my soul.  I thank you for being my witness.  There is much gratitude for the healing that has come into my life in recent years.  While I can find no specific thankfulness for the day I came home to find I had no home anymore, there will always be vast gratitude for the healing it served as a catalyst for.  

We must embrace pain and burn it as fuel for our journey.  Kenji Miyazawa

Conformist or Rebel?

/ James Browning / 1 Comment

Be neither a conformist nor a rebel, for they are really the same thing. 
Find your own path, and stay on it.  (Paul Vixie)

When those two lines crossed my path yesterday it gave rise to me it began a line of thinking about my tendency to rebel.  Whatever the norm has been I seem to always have to find a few ways to go against the grain.  Is it because I am uniquely original?  In at least a few ways how I act and what I do falls within the unique realm.  It is also clear to me that my nonconformist approach is actually a manner of conforming to some ideal I have set for myself that clouds a self-view of who and what I actually am.

There is within me a paradox of wanting to fit in and a desire to be different from every one else.  Those two forces pull me in opposing directions and stretch the center of my being where the “who and what” I truly am exists.  This pulling in opposite tracks has gone on for so long, it is frequently unclear where the boundaries of my own truth actually are.

To illustrate that point, I am uncertain if my lack of interest in sports is because I was never particularly good at them or I was never good at sports because I was never interested.  That began so long ago in childhood I have no idea what the clear answer is.  Whatever the root of behavior, my disinterest today in sports is real although I have no idea where it is rooted.

There is been a mustache, goatee or beard on my face for 31 years except for a few days here and there when I would cleanly shave everything off.  Immediately I would dislike seeing myself clean shave in the mirror and allow the whisker re-growth to begin.  Am I giving in to habit or personal taste?  I really don’t know as I began wearing facial hair so I did not look so much like my father who I strongly resemble except he was always clean shaven.

The clothing I wear today is mostly conventional and traditional.  Yet, I always have to have a few accents I think of as just being myself.  I wear my wrist watch upside down, a habit that began in 6th grade as a tribute of a beloved teacher who did the same.  I wear a short stand of mala beads on my right wrist and say it is to remind me of what I believe it.  Yet, I know part of wearing them is to make a statement about being different.  How much of each I am frankly uncertain.

The longer I thought about what I perceived as my rebellion, the more I have gotten in touch with how I had given in to conformity.  I remember well still wearing jeans to work in my late 20’s and not being taken seriously by upper management.  That was when I decided to cut my hair shorter and start wearing dress pants, blazers and ties.  Over time that played a part in changing the perception of others, but dressing up was not something I ever really cared for.  I was promoted, but I wonder how much was due to my self imposed dress code and how much was due to my change of outlook.  Today you will be hard pressed to ever find me in a tie unless circumstance dictates I have not other choice.  Does that mean I have at least in this instance found a little of my true self?

Realizing I am dating myself, I will readily admit I protested against the Vietnam War in the early 70’s and was a sign-carrying proud hippie at the time.  However, looking back I am hard pressed to sort how much was based on my true political beliefs and how much was to fit in and be a part of a group I identified with.  Even at this distance of years, I believe there was a measure of both in my behavior.

Certainly there are burdens that come with age, but for me there is also a benefit of a slow clearing of the fog that hides my self from “me”.   The “who am I” question was one I often asked in my younger years, but lacking long term experience of living an answer never echoed back in response.  With five decades plus of life knowledge, today when I ask myself “who am I” bits and pieces of answers actually do come if I am patient.  Slowly but surely I am discovering which parts of me that come from rebellion, which ones come from conformity and which parts has always been true and real to my nature.  While my view of self will always be incomplete and not completely in focus, I am grateful for the understanding as it comes.  Often this period of my life is the most unsettling and uncertain, but it is also the most rewarding as I find the peace of truly coming to know my self.  I am thankful for this bit of personal evolution!

All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another.  Anatole France

Why Your Life Sucks…

/ James Browning / 1 Comment

Late last week someone asked me to recommend one book that could help them learn how to be happier and more content.  What seemed like an easy question at first glance became a challenging one for me to narrow down to one single book.  I ended up saying let me think about it for a few days.

Over the weekend I spent a couple of hours in my library looking through my favorite self-help books.  The heavily underlined “one book” I ended up chosing is a great one with a not so great title, which could be a reason it is not better known:  “Why Your Life Sucks and What You Can Do About It”  by Alan H. Cohen.  I admire his non-nonsense and direct manner of writing that pushes a reader forward who is ready to grow and change.  What follows are twenty random points I pulled from my underlining in the book.

1.  If the same things keep happening to you over and over again, with different people in different places, the only thing in common is you.

2.  The reason you are not where you want to be is that you are doing things you do not want to do.  If that sounds simple, it is.

3.  Attention is energy.  Whatever you feed to it, will grow.  Attention is intention.  Whatever you think and talk about paves the runway for what you will create.  When you pay attention to things you want to happen, you increase the chances of them happening; the same dynamic applies for the things you do not want to happen.

4.  Problems are not bad at all; they are just the beginnings of solutions.

5.  Something is bubbling inside you that would bring you rich rewards to express.  Your mission is to get in touch with it and do it.  Until you do, you will sense that you are missing out on something big.

6.  The last thought you think before you go to sleep is the one that ruminates in your subconscious through the night and emerges as the first thought you think when you wake up – so make it a good one.

7.  Your real enemies are the self-defeating thoughts, paltry expectations, and beliefs that you must live at less than full throttle.  You will experience as much pain as you are willing to accept.  You do have control over how much you hurt.  Pain happens, suffering is optional.  You can choose thoughts that bring you relief rather than imprisonment.

8.  A healthy belief will stand in the face of challenge.  Illusions will evaporate.  If you do not test your beliefs, they will be come your ruler and you their hostage.

9.  If you settle for less than what you really want, you will get exactly that.  If you expect your life to suck, it will.

10.  To really live, let go of any idea that anything outside you determines your destiny.  The force that determines your destiny is you.

11. When you finally trust yourself, you will know how to live.

12. If you do not value who and what you are, you will seek to borrow worth from the outer world.  You will look for validation from people whom you believe know or have more than you.  But since everything you need is inside you and no one can know more about your path and purpose than you do, any power you ascribe to external authorities must eventually explode in your face and leave you feeling worst than when you started.

13.  An experience that leaves you feeling empty, less-than, or needy does so for only one reason:  You entered into it feeling empty, less-than, or needy.

14.  The illusion is that relationships will take away the pain that keeps you feeling small; the reality is that relationships magnify the pain that keeps you feeling small.

15.  Those who go searching for love only find their own lovelessness.  But the loveless never find love; only the loving find love and they never have to search for it.

16.  Analyzing the past evicts you from your heart and imprisons you in your brain. Retrospect is a good teacher, but a mean spirited roadhouse; visit it occasionally, but don’t check in.

17.  If you need to learn lessons from your past deeds, they will emerge.  Don’t sweat trying to find them; if they are significant, they will find you.  When you are able to give thanks for everything that has happened, you are free.

18.  The reasoning mind is never satisfied; it will keep seeking for things to dwell on like a car radio scanning for stations but never stopping on one.

19.  Looking good doesn’t always lead to feeling good.  Feeling good always leads to looking good.

20.  The purpose of life is not to arrive safely at death.  It is to live so well that death or the fear of it cannot remove joy.

Thank you Mr. Cohen!  Your book helped to change my life for the better since I discovered it about five years ago in a used book store.  I am grateful for what you shared and pick up the book often to read a few of my underlining’s done during two cover-to-cover reading’s so far.  I am about to begin doing so a third time!

Change yourself and fortune will change with you.
Portuguese Proverb

The Point is… They Lived

/ James Browning / 2 Comments

Generally speaking, most of us work about eight hours per day, commute for an average of an hour each day, eat for about two hours, watch television for about five hours and about two hours goes to the computer for leisure such as online games, research or social media according to 2010 U.S. Bureau of Labor Statistics.  All total that’s about seventeen hours and does not include sleep. 

How important is my time?  A simple illustration is a modern fable that has floated around the internet for years: 

With a soft voice and loving eyes, a little boy greeted his father as he returned from work, “Daddy, how much do you make an hour?”  Greatly surprised, but giving his boy a displeased look, the father said, “Look, son, I don’t tell anyone how much I make, so don’t bother me now, I’m tired.”

“But Daddy please tell me! How much do you get paid for an hour,” the boy insisted.  The father, finally giving up, replied: “Twenty dollars per hour.”  “Thank you, Daddy? Could you loan me ten dollars?” the boy asked.  Showing his displeasure, the father sternly said, “So that’s why you asked how much I make.  It’s your bedtime.  Go to bed and go to sleep.  I’m too tired for this right now.”  It was already dark when the father arrived home.

A short while later the Dad was thinking about how he had reacted and was feeling a bit guilty? He felt bad he had responded to his son the way he did.  Trying to relieve a little of his guilt, the father went to his son’s room and asked “are you asleep, son?”  “No, Daddy. Why?” said the sleepy boy.  “Here’s the ten bucks you asked me for when I got home,” the father said.

“Thanks, Daddy!”  joyfully said the son, while putting his hand under his pillow and removing a sandwich bag full of change he had stashed there. “Now I have the whole twenty dollars!  I finally have enough” the little boy said to his Dad, who was now looking down at his son with a confused expression.   It was then the little boy made it clear why he wanted the money “Daddy, could you sell me an hour of your time?”

Sometimes it occurs to me I have been so busy trying to move forward in some aspect of my life I forgot to live the life I had at the present moment.  That is absolutely true in my 20’s, 30’s and 40’s.  There certainly were times I was guilty of being too busy for my son like the fable above illustrates.  The same can be said about me for friends, family and even time for myself. 

Always I was aiming toward something, headed somewhere and my efforts were in majority for would or could be.  Other time was wasted looking over my shoulder trying to solve some riddle about my past.  There was a big deficiency in the amount of time I spent on the present moment at any given point.  I am not bitter or beating myself up over it (well not  much), because that realization now in my 50’s has brought me a whole new perspective.  I am much more “present” in my life than ever before.

Every day I do my best to live well centered in the “now” and I succeed quite a bit at it.  When I forget I am acutely reminded frequently that our days are limited by the loss of friends, family, favorite musicians, movie stars and people, famous and not famous, I look up to.  Each of us has no idea when the “off” switch will be thrown on our life.  

A method I use to center myself and gain perspective when I need to, is to think of each day as being a deposit of 86,400 made to my account.   It’s up to me how I withdraw from that balance, how much of it I actually use and how I spend it.  The bad news is that any unused or leftover part of the deposit is taken away every midnight.  The good news is another 86,400 seconds are deposited in my account with the beginning of a new day.  It is with much gratitude I realize whether my daily deposit is used well or how much is left “unlived” at the end of the day is largely up to me.   

…And while Cinderella and her prince did live happily ever after, the point is, gentlemen that they lived.  Grand Dame in the movie “Ever After”

“To Forgive Is Give Up All Hope for a Better Past”

/ James Browning / 3 Comments

Definition for forgive: to grant free pardon and to give up all claim on account of an offense or debt.  To excuse for a fault; to pardon; to renounce anger or resentment against.

There’s a wonderful definition of forgiveness: that to forgive is to give up all hope for a better past. If you are locked in regret over the past, you have less available to your life now.  Forgiveness allows you a fresh start… It’s like a rain coming to a polluted environment. It clears things.  Dr. Fred Luskin

From time to time I find myself figuratively “kicking myself in the butt” repeatedly for something I have done in the past or a fresh misstep.  That’s how I process mentally before being able to let go and forgive myself.  I know the tendency goes back to childhood where punishment was a regular part of life even for the smallest offense.  I learned early on to be very hard on myself.  Even today a bit of emotional self-flogging is a penalty often self-prescribed for my misdeeds, although little by little I am slowly learning to not be so tough on myself. 

I have forgiven the women who broke my heart and the people who stole from me.  I have forgiven the ones who have stabbed me in the back and the one who ran into my car and irreversibly changed my life and my health.    I have forgiven the company that fired me after 18 years and the friends who turned out not to be friends at all.  I have forgiven the adults who abused me as a child and an ex-wife who verbally abused me.  I have become proficient at forgiving everyone but one person:  ME!  

Some of the knowledge I have gained about forgiving others is well described in a book called “Heart Match Solution”: You’re not forgiving them for their sake. You’re doing it for yourself. For your own health and well-being, forgiveness is simply the most energy-efficient option. It frees you from the incredibly toxic, debilitating drain of holding a grudge. Don’t let these people live rent free in your head. If they hurt you before, why let them keep doing it year after year in your mind? It’s not worth it but it takes heart effort to stop it. You can muster that heart power to forgive them as a way of looking out for yourself. It’s one thing you can be totally selfish about. Now if only I could broaden that perspective to include myself! 

My tendency is to be harder on me and hold myself more accountable than I do others.  At times forgiving my self is not even a consideration because my thinking is I must hold myself in a state of constant remembrance, lest I forget.  There is this nagging deep down there is some price to be extracted from me, some form of long penance I have to pay.  I know better, but the practice of that knowing is inconsistent and irregularly applied.    

I once read that if you do not forgive yourself of past sins, it is a form of pride. The thinking goes, whenever I enact a different set of rules, a higher set of standards for my self over others that is pride. When I can find it within my self to forgive others, but not my own self, I am saying I am less capable of making a poor decision than others. Attempting to hold myself to some higher standard than others means I think somehow I should be more intuitive, wiser, more insightful, more careful than others, and therefore, I am without an excuse and should not forgive myself.  When viewed in that sort of light it is so easy to see how an over developed sense of pride can greatly hinder self forgiveness.

My ability to forgive me is improving.  I know forgiving my self is essential to growth and happiness.  No amount of stirring my pot of memories will make the past make more sense.  I have to “give up all hope for a better past” and just let things be so I can have a better today and tomorrow.  The unchangeable reality is that I cannot alter what happened in the past. I cannot restore lives to where they were before a particular event. For each indiscretion or mistake all I can do is forgive myself and let the healing begin. 

There is not love without forgiveness, and there is no forgiveness without love.
Bryant H. McGill

I Could Not Do It Alone

/ James Browning / 1 Comment

Writing in a journal has never been an activity I could find consistency with.  I must have a dozen journals with the early pages filled and then nothing afterward.  My entries are haphazard.  Sometimes I would write fairly consistently and at others skip months, and even years without writing.  At random I picked one of those journals up this morning and began to read.   

February 4, 2001 Ritz Carlton Hotel, Atlanta,  Beginning or Ending? 
Ending – the way I have lived and the thoughts I have…. Have not gotten me to the place I seek.  I have been blessed with the fortune to not have to work and soon, within 2 years or so (age 50) I will leave my profession to seek the life… the peace I need.

Beginning – I am only now realizing the illusion I have chased.  Peace must come from within me.  Nothing material on Earth nor anyone can give me what I seek: the balance, the peace, the strength of wisdom and knowing. 

February 7, 2001 7:25am
The ‘path’ makes such logical sense and speaks to my heart (Buddhist Eightfold Noble Path), yet it is difficult to follow.  Old habits and emotions are strong and I can only beat them back at times. 

February 8, 2001 8:05am
Finding it sometimes difficult to gain the determination to meditate each morning.  All old habits die hard.

March 2, 2001
Just spent two weeks in Europe… Netherlands and Poland.  Drifted back to smoking all the time.  Need to get back on track.  _____’s immaturity is a big problem for me and I am having great difficulty dealing with it.  Her child-like way is both appealing and repulsive.  Such a paradox.  Need to focus on me to find solution and let her focus on her.  Unsure of outcome.

Over two years later……

June 30, 2003 Monday 7:30am
And I begin again.  After several years of at times being focused on my practice alternating with times of loss of focus.  I begin again.  Quit smoking for 9 weeks last summer and started back.  But need to quit.  _____ and I continue the roller coaster.  Three weeks ago after returning from Europe she seems to have “got it” and opened her full heart.  I am skeptical, but hopeful.  Still feeling a longing, wishing to be happy, but yet lost and not knowing how to accomplish it. 

July 1, 2003 Tuesday
Work is sending me back to counseling.  I’m told I’m not open, approachable and react badly to others.  I’ve tried so hard to be liked and to be a good boss and leader.  Bad economic times seem to go on and on in the market.  Very tough.  Somehow I have to get through.  I can’t afford to get fired.  I wish I understood better.  I wish I knew why I have this gnawing feeling inside all the time.  Chronic discontent.

  • I was fired in late August, 2003 from a company I had been employed by for almost 20 years. 
  • October and November, 2006.  I finally dealt with my “stuff” by spending five weeks at a healing place called “The Meadows” in Wickenburg, Arizona.  Miracles happen there and at least two happened for me.  I came home a changed man

September 9, 2009
Interesting date.  9-9-9. Nine’s have always been a lucky number for me.  Raining and lightning now.  Hoping the hot Oklahoma weather is almost over for this year.  Life is good.

Sept 29, 2009
Played hooky from work.  Came home about 12:30pm.  Rested.  Went to bed at 8:45pm.  Slept 10 hours.  Feel great.

February 11, 2011 Tulsa
____ (son) visiting.  Having fun.  Proud of my son!  Went to see Ozzy Osbourne last night.  Very good.  Lots of snow still around.  Fourteen inches last week.  Six inches this week.  Lows of minus eleven!

Revisiting my old journal reminds me where I used to be and to appreciate where I find myself today.  There is much gratitude to not be stuck “back there” anymore.  For so long I knew something was wrong, but had no idea what to do.  My determination would swell to where I was convinced to be at a new beginning.  Then over and over within weeks I fell back into old habits and ways of being.  Each time failure only made the next attempt that much more difficult.

In the journal before I faced my demons in 2006 and then some years afterwards I am able to clearly discern a big different.   The three short entries written 2009 and 2011 are short, light and reflect a happier and more contented man. 

My life has not turned out the way I thought it would and it is far from perfect.   Divorce, injuries and recovery, financial challenges and life unfolding far differently than I once anticipated has me today still working fulltime.  I am quite a long way from being able to retire now.  That’s OK.   I have learned happiness is not about what is happening in my life.  It is all about my attitude toward what is happening.  That fact combined with the people I love and who love me sums up what I have come to know as at least three quarters of the recipe for a good life. 

The BIG lesson I learned along the way I will never forget:  I COULD NOT DO IT ALONE.  All those years I tried to fix myself ended up meaning little compared to what happened when I finally accepted help from others.  Thank you all for your love and assistance.

Its seems to be shallow and arrogant for any man in these times to claim he is completely self-made, that he owes all his success to his own unaided efforts.  Many hands and hearts and minds generally contribute to anyone’s notable achievements.  Walt Disney

 

Yesterday, Tomorrow and the Power of Now

/ James Browning / 1 Comment

From one of my favorite books “The Power of Now” by Ekhart Tolle: 
A beggar had been sitting by the side of a road for over thirty years. One day a stranger walked by. “Spare some change?” mumbled the beggar, mechanically holding out his old baseball cap. “I have nothing to give you,” said the stranger. Then he asked: “What’s that you are sitting on?” “Nothing,” replied the beggar. “Just an old box. I have been sitting on it for as long as I can remember.” “Ever looked inside?” asked the stranger. “No,” said the beggar. “What’s the point? There’s nothing in there.” “Have a look inside,” insisted the stranger. The beggar managed to pry open the lid. With astonishment, disbelief, and elation, he saw that the box was filled with gold.  

I am that stranger who has nothing to give you and who is telling you to look inside. Not inside any box, as in the parable, but somewhere even closer: inside yourself.  

The “gift inside the box” is my own life and it can not be found in the past for what I recall of it is only partial fact spun with delusional memory of what happened.  My life is not in the future for nothing there has yet happened and that time will materialize far differently than any way I imagine.  My life is here and now in this very instant and no other place.  The more I am able to experience each moment of my life as it happens the sweeter the taste will be and the grander the outcome will seem. 

YESTERDAY, TODAY, TOMORROW

There are two days in every week about which we should not worry.
            Two days which should be kept free from fear and apprehension.

One of these days is yesterday with its mistakes and cares,
            Its faults and blunders, Its aches and pains.
            Yesterday has passed forever beyond our control.
            All the money in the world cannot bring back yesterday.
            We cannot undo a single act we performed.
            We cannot erase a single word we said. Yesterday is gone.

The other day we should not worry about is tomorrow.
            With its possible adversities, Its burdens, 
            Its large promise and poor performance.
            Tomorrow is also beyond our immediate control.
            Tomorrow’s Sun will rise, either in splendor or behind a mask of clouds, 
            but it will rise.

Until it does, we have no stake in tomorrow, for it is yet unborn.
            This just leaves only one day . . . Today.
            Any person can fight the battles of just one day.
            It is only when you and I add the burdens of those two awful eternity’s –
            yesterday and tomorrow that we break down.
            It is not the experience of today that drives people mad.
            It is the remorse or bitterness for something which happened yesterday 
            and the dread of what tomorrow may bring.

Let us therefore live but one day at a time.
Author Unknown

An abstract way of looking at my life story is thinking of “today” as a comma.  Grammatically a “period” denotes an end, but a “comma” indicates a transition.  So each of my “today’s” is a transition and not an ending.  Today is the only place where my life happens. 

What lies behind you and what lies in front of you pales in comparison to what lies inside of you wrote Ralph Waldo Emerson.  Today has little to do with the yesterday I keep in distorted view over my shoulder nor does today have a lot in common with what I anticipate about the tomorrow on my foggy and distant horizon.  My life is all about today and today is found between my ears and in my heart.  It is happening  “Now” and I am grateful!

Whatever the present moment contains, accept it as if you had chosen it.  Eckhart Tolle

The Pain to Stay the Same

/ James Browning / 1 Comment

(Continuing on the theme from yesterday about personal change)

More than usual this week I have been experiencing a feeling of gratitude for the quality of my life today.  In looking over my shoulder I can see what appears now to be a somewhat straight line path that brought me from where I was to where I am.  However, from where true change began to present day the path I walked was much different.  It actually zigzagged all over with a greatly varied pace containing many stops, starts, successes and failures.     

The beginning:  “When the pain to stay the same exceeds the pain to change, you change.” 

The first time I saw those fourteen words was on a bulletin board.  They have been burned into my psyche ever since.  The initial glimpse was at the time when realizing I could not read or learn myself into life changes through applying my intellect.   I had to do the emotional work and face what I had long avoided.  

Lobsters grow by molting, or shedding their shells.  When its shell has been shed the lobster spends time under a rock or in a crevice while growing a new shell.  During that time the lobster is vulnerable without the protection of its old hard shell.        

The process of “change” caused me to feel a lot like a lobster.  For a while it had been evident to me I was stuck inside a hard shell that resulted from childhood abandonment and abuse.  It was stifling me.  I needed to shed the old casing and grow a new one.  I had to be vulnerable in order to change. Yet, doing what I needed to do felt impossible at the time.  I could not muster the courage to “jump in and do it”, but knew not changing meant I would continue to suffocate in my old shell.  

Did I muster the courage to shed the safety of my old hard outer armor plate and jump into the sea of change?  No!  I wish I could say I became brave enough to do that.  Instead life events came along and left me only with drown or swim options.  My old shell was shattered and stripped away and then “the pain to stay the same exceeded the pain to change”.  

Pain and discontent was stage one of my growth and change.  Suddenly I saw myself more clearly and could view my past at least with some accurately.  As if being slugged, the force of it crushed my shell and  figuratively “knocked the wind out of me emotionally”.  Getting knocked down and broken open was step #1.   

Admitting I had problems was stage two of my growth and change.  There had to be an end to my running away.  I had no choice but to let the issues take me over.    Opening up and allowing myself to feel the full force of what I had so long avoided was what I needed.  Accepting my issues was step #2.  

Realizing I needed help was stage three of my growth and change.  One of the effects of childhood trauma can be to become an overly self-reliant and a seemingly needless adult.  I became quite good at denying my own needs.  Seeking outside aid was rarely an allowed possibility.    Accepting that I needed help was step #3. 

Doing the work was stage four of my growth and change.  Being one who wants to begin today and have everything accomplished tomorrow, this step was difficult.  Coming to grips with my dysfunction took lots of time.  Gaining the upper hand on it took much longer and now spans years.  Putting in the time and making a long-term effort was step #4. 

Realization I was getting better was stage five of my growth and change.  At first it seemed as if nothing was changing, but over time I began to feel a little different.  Life began to taste better.  The better I got, the more I wanted.  Working past setback and disappointment without completely losing my momentum became a key for me.  Realizing I could heal was step #5. 

Real change takes a long time.  Clinical perspective says real personal change takes at least three years to be fully implemented.  That is why small changes I made and continued to repeat over a long period of time have yielded a positive impact.  On my path there has been an abundance of stubbornness and hanging on to the past combined with emotional dread and frightful depression at times.  What began with “baby steps” and became one step at a time, one day at a time has now several years later brought me to much better mental and spiritual health.  There is joy for living I have not known before. 

I am not fixed and will never be completely.  The scars will always remain, but I am better and continuing to improve.  To even try to express the quantity of thankfulness I have for my life today would be completely futile.  I am grateful to a power greater than me for the inspiration and to every person who has helped me along the way.  

Change is not made without inconvenience, even from worse to better.
Richard Hooker