Wisdom

It’s Never Too Late; There’s Always Time

/ James Browning / 2 Comments

Years ago I read Mitch Albom’s book “Tuesdays with Morrie”.  The novel touched me deeply and I eagerly bought Albom’s “The Five People You Meet in Heaven” when first I came across it in a book store.  Last week I bought a copy of the movie made of the latter from a bargain bin.  I previously did not recall the book was ever even made into a movie!

There are those little moments when just what I need comes to me at the moment I need it. Whether such times are the work of God and the Universe or pure chance and coincidence does not change the effect (although I like to think it is some combination of both). Watching “The Five People You Meet in Heaven” last night was one of those times.

I left work during the mid-afternoon yesterday because a bout of moderate depression was about halfway through its usual 2-3 day run.  Little was getting accomplished; I could not concentrate. Depression has a unique way of accentuating all I feel has not been right about my life and lowering hope for the future to a dim and distant light.  From experience I know intellectually what is going on, yet that does little to hinder the torrent of clouds and dark feeling that come over me.

OK… all you macho types are not going to like this, but to borrow a bit of a phrase from Rhett Butler “Frankly I don’t give a damn”.  Watching the “Five People You Meet in Heaven” movie last night caused a tear at several points as I allowed myself to be absorbed into some of the emotions being expressed.  In the main character’s sadness and grief for what he perceived as his wasted life I found an evening’s solace for what ailed me.  Better than any pill or distracting activity I was righted from being depressed by a good dose of my own emotions.  How very grateful I am this morning to feel “It’s never too late; there’s always time”.

It’s never too late
There’s always time.

It’s never too late to change.
There’s always time to begin.

It’s never to late to say I’m sorry
There’s always time to start again.

It’s never to late to let the past go
There’s always time to start a future.

It’s never too late to be happy
There’s always time to stop being sad.

It’s never too late to fall deeply in love,
There’s always time to reopen one’s heart.

It’s never too late to write your thoughts
There’s always time to speak your piece.

It’s never to late to find what you’ve dreamed of
There’s always time to learn to do something new.

It’s never too late to connect with one you left behind
There’s always time to be lost and to get found.

It’s never too late to try again when you failed before
There’s always time to grow and learn from mistakes.

It’s never too late to hope no matter how old you are
There’s always time to have foolish fun like a child.

It’s never too late to have much more than you need
There’s always time to make your life more simple.

It’s never too late to live the way you want to live
There’s always time to find yourself if you look.

It’s never to late to stop feeling old regret
There’s always time for hope for the future.

It’s never too late to find happiness
There’s always time to laugh more.

It’s never too late to forgive
There’s always time to be forgiven.

It’s never too late to change.
There’s always time to begin.

It’s never too late
There’s always time.
James Browning October 10, 2011

All endings are also beginnings. We just don’t know it at the time.
Mitch Albom 

“Five People You Meet in Heaven” trailer:  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IrLMtmvHYy0

“Stay Hungry, Stay Foolish” (Steve Jobs)

/ James Browning / 1 Comment

As I get older I am reminded more of death as friends and family make that transition.  This morning I will be packing for a trip to another state to attend services for a dear friend’s father.  He was eight-six and lived a good long life.  Yet at the same time it’s sad that he departed so soon.  It will be a somber occasion regarding the loss and a happy one in  celebration of a good man’s life.

There is no doubt I will cherish life a little more through the experience of the next few days.  At least for a short while life’s reality will be a little clearer.  Certainly coming face to face with another’s passing will bring my eventual destination more prominently before me and in my thoughts.  And maybe the most important of all I will witness the love of family for one another and how each helps another bear the difficulty of this moment of life.  I know the door of sadness I will walk through initially will have me walking out later tempered with love, joy and gladness.

Steve Jobs died only a week ago.  He gave a remarkable commencement address to Stanford University’s class of 2005.   Included were some of his thoughts about living and dying.  Mr. Job’s words were inspirational and here are a few paragraphs from his remarks:

When I was 17, I read a quote that went something like: “If you live each day as if it was your last, someday you’ll most certainly be right.” It made an impression on me, and since then, for the past 33 years, I have looked in the mirror every morning and asked myself: “If today were the last day of my life, would I want to do what I am about to do today?” And whenever the answer has been “No” for too many days in a row, I know I need to change something.

Remembering that I’ll be dead soon is the most important tool I’ve ever encountered to help me make the big choices in life. Because almost everything — all external expectations, all pride, all fear of embarrassment or failure – these things just fall away in the face of death, leaving only what is truly important. Remembering that you are going to die is the best way I know to avoid the trap of thinking you have something to lose. You are already naked. There is no reason not to follow your heart.

No one wants to die. Even people who want to go to heaven don’t want to die to get there. And yet death is the destination we all share. No one has ever escaped it. And that is as it should be, because Death is very likely the single best invention of Life. It is Life’s change agent. It clears out the old to make way for the new. Right now the new is you, but someday not too long from now, you will gradually become the old and be cleared away. Sorry to be so dramatic, but it is quite true.

Your time is limited, so don’t waste it living someone else’s life. Don’t be trapped by dogma — which is living with the results of other people’s thinking. Don’t let the noise of others’ opinions drown out your own inner voice. And most important; have the courage to follow your heart and intuition. They somehow already know what you truly want to become. Everything else is secondary.

When I was young, there was an amazing publication called The Whole Earth Catalog, which was one of the bibles of my generation. It was created by a fellow named Stewart Brand not far from here in Menlo Park, and he brought it to life with his poetic touch. This was in the late 1960’s, before personal computers and desktop publishing, so it was all made with typewriters, scissors, and Polaroid cameras. It was sort of like Google in paperback form, 35 years before Google came along: it was idealistic, and overflowing with neat tools and great notions.

Stewart and his team put out several issues of The Whole Earth Catalog, and then when it had run its course, they put out a final issue. It was the mid-1970s, and I was your age. On the back cover of their final issue was a photograph of an early morning country road, the kind you might find yourself hitchhiking on if you were so adventurous. Beneath it were the words: “Stay Hungry. Stay Foolish.” It was their farewell message as they signed off. Stay Hungry. Stay Foolish. And I have always wished that for myself. And now, as you graduate to begin anew, I wish that for you.

Watch the full speech here:  http://www.ted.com/talks/steve_jobs_how_to_live_before_you_die.html

Sitting here this morning three months past my fifty-eighth birthday, I am more aware of my eventual demise than ever before.  But my awareness of being alive is the most acute it has ever been too.  In contrast to the many years spent sleep-walking through the present toward an imagined future, today I do my very best to be truly alive and aware in the moments of my life.  Just one example is this blog.  For near half a year now I have gotten up around two hours earlier every day to have the time to write.  Why?  Because writing is something I always said I was going to do.  No longer will my awareness of the reality of life and death allow me to hesitate about doing more of what I promised myself I would do.  Previously I wrote about those dying most often having the largest regret for the things they did not do https://goodmorninggratitude.com/2011/08/27/five-biggest-regrets-before-dying/

Realizing the remainder of days for the “must-do’s” in my life becomes a reduced number with the passing of every day makes me more truly alive.  There is so much about living life well I still want to learn, but it is the knowing of that and applying myself to it which opens my heart, mind and soul to being more fully alive.  I am grateful for this state of being that places me here in this “now” with a joy for living.

Gaily I lived as ease and nature taught,
And spent my little life without a thought,
And am amazed that Death, that tyrant grim,
Should think of me, who never thought of him.
René Francois Regnier

The Door is Always Open

/ James Browning / 3 Comments

A frequent visitor to the Codependents Anonymous group I attend is a friend named Bill who often emails inspirational passages that make me stop and think.  Today he sent one that was just what I needed at the moment.  Today I am grateful for Bill sharing a piece called “The Door Is Always Open” by Jafree Ozwald.  Here is a paragraph that rang true for me:

You are free to leave this experience called suffering. You already have an out of jail pass. The golden key to opening this magical door is learning how to surrender to who you are.  This means you first let go of all your beliefs, judgments and ideas about who you think you are, and then see what is left.  You can move through any stuck, painful or imprisoned feeling that arises by dropping into a state of pure surrender.  You are either choosing the path of Ego or Surrender.  If you choose surrender, there is a deep experience within your being awaiting you.  It is only through this deep trusting state that you instantly get to see, feel and experience the Divine Being that you truly are.  

“Many of life’s circumstances are created by three basic choices: the disciplines you choose to keep, the people you choose to be with, and the laws you choose to obey.”  Charles Millhuff

Especially since the writing of this “Good Morning Gratitude” blog began, I have come to know that people at times have a different view of me than I have of myself.  That does not appear to come from others seeing some illusion I project to them.  Rather it seems to be the illusions I still at times project to myself.  However, that situation is getting better and the two ways of seeing me are becoming more parallel.  Whew!  What a relief.

When one starts consistently feeling “not good enough” as I was taught as a child the habit can become deeply engrained that by adulthood I could no longer see myself any other way.  That was a foggy path of many years spent trying to fix what was not broken or pretending to be other than I actually was.  Those were the decades of being alive, but not truly living.  I lived for others and as they wanted me to, always trying to fit in and be accepted.

No longer!  In moving to better acceptance of myself, I had to recognize I am a bit odd and generally do not fit into the mainstream.  I feel too much, express myself differently and have interests outside of a stereotype.  It feels good to have moved from consternation about that to gratefulness for my uniqueness.  Oh, some days it gets a little weird or hard to handle, but generally here in middle age I am grateful and glad to be me exactly as I am.

Back a while I mentioned a video of Dr. Brene Brown found on TED.com.  In it she makes the point that often our inability to show feelings is what keeps us from a great deal of possible happiness and contentment.  https://goodmorninggratitude.com/2011/06/01/t-e-d/

Dr. Brown’s research points to four traits of how contented people achieve their balance:
1.  They have courage.  It is in the willingness to tell their whole story, not just the one they think others desire of them.
2.  They have the compassion to be kind to themselves and to others.  It is interesting to note the order of that statement:  being kind to self comes first.
3.  They are able to have authentic connections to others having largely let go of who they thought they should be.  They are well acquainted with their true self.
4.  They embrace vulnerability.  This is willingness to say I love you first, to act without guarantees or invest in a relationship that may or may not work out.

Through noting those points I recommit to their ideals.  What began in earnest several years ago is being accelerated by throwing my self open upon the world in this blog.  I thank you for being my witness and taking a step with me in this journey by reading these thoughts today.  I am grateful for you!

It’s not what you look at that matters, it’s what you see. Henry David Thoreau

Want of Truth or Accuracy

/ James Browning / 1 Comment

There’s a saying that goes “If you say you’ve never lied, you are a liar”.  Even if one does so for what he or she thinks is a justifiable reason, a lie is still a lie.  Everyone lies sometime. Some lie because they think they have to cover another lie.  Others lie because it is a habit. Still others lie because it has been a way of being for so long, they believe their lies.  

Definition of “lie”:  a falsehood; want of truth or accuracy; an untrue assertion or representation; error; misrepresentation; falsity; treachery; deceit; unfaithfulness.

In an article about dating in “The Scientific Fundamentalist” Staoshi Kanazawa wrote:  Both men and women lie, but they lie about different (and predictable) things.  …men tend to lie about their earnings and their height.  …women tend to lie about their age and their weight.

Men typically lie upwards and women typically lie downwards.  Men pretend that they make more money than they actually do; they pretend that they are taller than they actually are, and they pretend that they have had more sexual partners than they actually have.  In contrast, women pretend that they are younger than they actually are; they pretend that they are lighter than they actually are (weigh less), and they pretend that they have had fewer sexual partners than they actually have.

In other words, women lie and pretend to be what they used to be before in the past, whereas men lie and pretend to be what they will be in the future (or what they hope to become in an alternate universe or in their fantasy).

In admission of not being immune from telling an untruth or bending a fact I began to think sometimes I have told a “fib” rather than a lie.  With the belief the former is not as large an indiscretion as the latter; I looked up the definition of fib and found it defined as:  a relatively insignificant, small, trivial or childish lie; a minor falsehood. 

It is within the “fib” area that I am guilty even now of telling untruths here and there.  When asked how I like someone’s new hairdo that I have a first impression of as “ugly” I try to say something like “it’s very interesting” or “that’s a unique color”.  Such comments are truthful but not offensive.  If such a statement does not satisfy the person questioning and they press with “but do you like”, my response is usually “yes, it’s cool” or “it looks good on you”.  That’s a fib, the soft rating for a lie, but saves me hurting a person’s feelings.  Generally I believe this is acceptable behavior and a light shade within an area of gray. 

Digging deeper there are certainly unquestionable lies I told which ultimately only came to a bad end.  It is no surprise to anyone that once the lying begins, more lies have to be told to cover the original falsehood.  And the spiral grows.  

There is confidence within there are liars who have no conscience about their deception.  I have never been one of them.  In covering up for an affair while married and lying to my wife, each and every lie was an additional weight inside.  Each added amount of falsity tipped my internal scales further and further to the side of self-loathing. Each lie caused me to like myself less and less until I generally despised who I had become. 

To make matters worse, I cheated on both my wives.  That behavior can be explained by my mental state at the time resulting from childhood emotional scaring, etc., but in no way, shape or form can such explanation ever be justification.  A lie is a lie, no matter the motivation.  What is wrong is wrong.  

Unfaithfulness is a lie within itself; one of the most terrible forms of lying.  Further, the deceit of telling untruths to cover being unfaithful only builds the fire of treachery higher and brighter.  In time it is the liar that is usually burned in the flames of lying with the heat damaging others with its heat. 

In recent years, I have come to see old behavior so much more clearly.  Things are different now.  Today my life is lived with belief and intention in the closest harmony ever with thought and deed.  As Mark Twain said; a man is never more truthful than when he acknowledges himself a liar.  By doing that even to the point of today’s admission here I am able to have the most pride about myself I have ever known.  While the road to ‘now’ has been rocky and difficult, I am happy to be who I am today and grateful for the grace and help of others that brought me here.      

Oh what a tangled web we weave,
When first we practice to deceive!
Sir Walter Scott

A Stranger to Myself

/ James Browning / 2 Comments

 If by magic or cosmic grant you were allowed to change one thing about your past, what would it be? 

The question above came across my field of view over the weekend and I have been pondering it now for about 24 hours.  What my time of deliberating that question brought is a fairly long list I have at least some desire to have been different.  That is a bit of a shocker as I feel there is mostly peace today about life lived behind me.  Maybe it is possible to have some desire for a past with differences, yet be at peace with the way things are.  That thought feels true so I don’t believe my equilibrium within will be disturbed by making a wish list of what has danced through my head.  So away my mind went spinning considering the question. 

I began wishing things for other people like the thought that my brother would not have had a farm accident at 16 that damaged his left hand.  Then I realized that was more about ‘his’ past than mine and such reflection was not being true to the intent of the question.  I had to get more directly personal. 

As my thinking began to drift more directly to my own history, first in thought was the pain and heartache concerning my two marriages.  At first I explored the question by pondering would my one wish be to never have known one of them.  “No” came a quick answer as I could not imagine either woman not having been a part of my life.  What the resulting thoughts echoed back to me was a wish “to have been a better husband” to both of them.  

In exploring further the confines of thought about my past, I moved on to my son.  There I found the wish for living in the same household for his years of high school and not being separated when he was 16.  That premise settled into wishing simply to have “been a better father” in all respects.    

As the little storm of thought proceeded, I began to move to a broader perspective and think about all women who have been a part of my life.  At that point there were a number of instances where I wished to not have caused the amount of pain I did.  However, I could not settle on one person and situation that I would wish to change more than another one.  My conclusion about this direction of inspection of my life was a wish “to have been a better friend and lover”.  

Expanding my realm of thought about the question “what would I change about my past” I moved into my work life.  Pondering the many years in my profession I began to think of those whose lives was changed negatively by the decisions I made.  While my belief is strong I usually make good choices, I know well I am not 100%.  My wish became “to have been a wiser boss”.  

The mind is a curious contraption.  It is almost impossible to keep the brain headed into any one direction of deliberation.  The more time the question kicked around in my head, the greater the bounces varied in my thoughts.  I found myself wondering how I might have been different in a one single way that could have made me better at everything I had put on my list so far.  It was from that nugget of brain waves the consideration began about how I might have been shaped differently over all.  I settled on the wish that one or both of my parents could have been less dysfunctional so I could have been raised to have been less so myself.  

I suppose it is not uncommon to settle on what one thinks is the best answer to a question and be quite satisfied to have found a near perfect solution.  Then after further contemplation realize the resolution arrived at is flawed.  If my parents had been different, more together, mature and in control it is likely I would be so different making recognition of myself today almost impossible. 

On one hand that seems like a good idea, but on another I don’t like it at all.  When boiled down, I don’t want to be anyone but who I am.  If the bad parts of my life were cleansed away, I would be a far different person.  Certainly in some ways I’d have lived in a way that brought less pain into the world to me and others, yet without the lessons learned I could not be “me”.    All in all I like me.  Today I am happy and contented with myself (mostly anyway) and am grateful to be who I am.  I can’t imagine changing and becoming a stranger to myself.

To be nobody but yourself in a world doing its best to make you everybody else means to fight the hardest battle any human can ever fight and never stop fighting.  E. E. Commings

 

The How of Happiness

/ James Browning / 3 Comments

Being happy has not been a natural occurrence in my life.  It is something I have had to work at. It surprised up on me when about two years ago in a group of people the words “I’m happy’ came from my lips. Frankly, it startled me at the time. Without a doubt the statement rang true when the words were first formed in my mouth and continue (at least the vast majority of the time). My adopted motto “every day is a good day, some are just better than others” is a truthful statement whenever I speak it (which is often!) although it confounds some people.

Every moment of my life is not spent in some sort of frolic in bliss. Outside of fantasy, delusion or a drug induced state I don’t believe that is possible for anyone.  What changed about my level of happiness from what used to be is inside me. My external circumstances actually became more challenging with much pain and heartache to wade through. Through hard work, intention, help of others, study and understanding I allowed happiness to arrive in my life in spite of what was going on around me.

“The How of Happiness:  A Scientific Approach to Getting the Life You Want” is the title of a book by Sonja Lyubomirsky PhD, a professor at the University of  California-Riverside. In it her research indicates that around 50% of my happiness comes from a generically determined “set point”.  She explains:   The set point for happiness is similar to the set point for weight.  Some people are blessed with skinny dispositions: Even when they’re not trying, they easily maintain their weight.  By contrast, others have to work extraordinarily hard to keep their weight at a desirable level, and the moment they slack off even a bit, the pounds creep back on.

Where I got lost previously was the belief that changing my external situation and location could change my level of happiness.  In her book, Lyubomirsky indicates only about 10% of my level of happiness can be explained by differences in life circumstance or situation.  Of small consequence are conditions such as rich or poor, healthy or unhealthy, beautiful or plain, married or divorced and so on.  It is humbling to realize decades spent attempting to be happier through changes in my external life at best barely had any affect.  I moved all over the country and even to a foreign land, changed wives, lovers, jobs, homes, cars, etc. and none of it had more than a temporary effect.

Sonja Lyubomirsky explains:  One of the great ironies of our quest to become happier is that so many of us focus on changing the circumstances of our lives in the misguided hope that those changes will deliver happiness…  An impressive body of research now shows that trying to be happy by changing our life situations ultimately will not work.  Why do life changes account for so little?  Because of a very powerful force that psychologists call hedonic adaptation… Human beings adapt to favorable changes in wealth, housing, and possessions, to being beautiful or being surrounded by beauty, to good health, and even to marriage…

If we observe genuinely happy people, we shall find that they do not just sit around being contented.  They make things happen.  They pursue new understandings, seek new achievements, and control their thoughts and feelings.  In sum, our intentional effortful activities have a powerful effect on how happy we are, over and above the effect of our set points and the circumstances in which we find ourselves.  If an unhappy person wants to experience interest, enthusiasm, contentment, peace and joy, he or she can make it happen by learning the habits of a happy person. 

In other words, I learned to finally be happy by getting off my butt and seriously working at it instead of searching to find it like a prospector looks for gold.

In the book “The How of Happiness” is listed 12 elements described as “evidence-based happiness-increasing strategies whose practice is supported by scientific research.”
1. Expressing Gratitude
2. Cultivating Optimism
3. Avoiding Over-thinking and Social Comparison
4. Practicing Acts of Kindness
5. Nurturing Social Relationships
6. Developing Strategies for Coping
7. Learning to Forgive
8. Increasing Flow Experiences
9. Savoring Life’s Joys
10. Committing to Your Goals
11. Practicing Religion and Spirituality
12. Taking Care of Your Body:
Meditation
Physical Activity
Acting like a Happy Person

In retrospect, I can see ALL those strategies were put into practice to achieve the level of happiness I have today.  While not being aware of Sonja Lyubomirsky’s book until more recently, I am grateful to know her take on things.  Her vantage point confirms and recommits to me the importance of staying on my path.  Gratitude beyond explanation sings in my heart and mind to be where I am today.  To everyone and everything that helped me get here… THANK YOU!

The Constitution only guarantees the American people the right to pursue happiness. You have to catch it yourself.
Benjamin Franklin

Love Them Anyway

/ James Browning / 1 Comment

My son is visiting Tulsa for a few days from his home in Boulder.  I am blessed that at the age of 29 he enjoys coming to visit often and hanging out with me.  Last night our evening’s entertainment was a concert by ZZ Top at our local Hard Rock Casino and Hotel.  

Our tickets were comp’s that had to be picked up will-call once he and I arrived.  With no idea where we might be sitting, we were thrilled once the tickets were in hand to see our seats were “center section on the floor”.  When the show began we were only nine rows back from the stage.  We had great seats where everyone was well behaved and sitting down as the concert began.  

During the third song a couple arrived to occupy the empty seats just in front of my son and me.  That’s actually not completely factual.  They never sat down.  Every single person in the entire section was sitting down except this man and woman who arrived late to block our almost complete the view of the show.  So for about 35 minutes or so we watched the concert on the projected screens on each side of the stage.  Otherwise our view of the stage was almost completely blocked. 

We were both irritated.  At one point my son said something like “I can’t believe we’re 20 feet from the stage and can’t see the show”.  I said “wanna stand up like they are?” to which he replied “No. Then we’d be the only other two people in the whole section standing”.  So we continued to sit, watch the jumbo-trons and the 30 something couple boogieing in one spot right in front of us. 

This morning looking back I am struck by the thought of how some people live their life so out of touch with an awareness all about themself.  They simply can’t or choose not to coexist with the world in a caring manner.  Instead their inward focus causes them to be largely oblivious of their impact on others.  I wonder.  Is it they just don’t care?  Are many of this sort simply sleep walking through life without any consciousness of people around them?  Are they mean spirited because life made them that way or out of choice? 

Both my son and I were tempted to say something to our concert view blockers, but decided not to.  Our conclusion was to give the two people in front of us the benefit of the doubt.  Maybe they don’t get out much.  Maybe they can’t afford to attend many concerts.  Maybe they had to save for months to afford the tickets to the show.  Maybe ZZ Top’s music has some sort of ultra special meaning to the couple.  Maybe…..  Whatever the reason, the couple was completely in their own world without a care for anyone else.  

Somewhere past half way through the show, the couple to the right in our row motioned to my son they were leaving and gave us their seats.  We moved over and for the remainder of the concert were able to see very well from our great seats in the ninth row.  

In case you’re wondering, the standing couple never sat down once during the entire show.  Not once!  As I reflect back there are still thoughts in my head asking “how can people be so completely inconsiderate of others?”   All excuses we made for them put aside, I wonder how much of the rest of their life they will live in this manner.  I wonder how much of their own behavior comes back to them and if it shades their life negatively creating a spiral of “we don’t care”.  Maybe they will learn better as they get older. 

My gratitude this morning is strong that my son and I said nothing to the couple in front of us blocking our view.  If either one of them was a hot head with an attitude, who knows where that could have taken the four of us.

 My thankfulness also includes the couple who let us have their seats.  Their kindness was a sharp contrast to the lack of caring of the view-blockers.  

Most of all I am grateful to get to spend time with my son doing something we both enjoy so much:  seeing a live music performance.  I am lucky to have the relationship with that exists with my son and for us to enjoy each other as much as we do.  I won’t forget the inconsiderate couple at the concert, but that memory will mostly fade given time.  What I will always remember is being there with my son and the good show we got to experience together.  For three old guys, ZZ Top still kicks butt!

People are unreasonable, illogical, and self-centered.
Love them anyway.
If you are kind, people may accuse you of selfish ulterior motives.
Be kind anyway.
If you are successful, you will win some false friends and true enemies.
Succeed anyway.
The good you do today will be forgotten tomorrow.
Be good anyway.
Honesty and frankness will make you vulnerable.
Be honest and frank anyway.
What you spend years building may be destroyed overnight.
Build anyway.
People need help, but may attack you if you try to help them.
Help them anyway.
In the final analysis, it is between you and God.
It was never between you and them anyway.
credited to Mother Teresa

 

Written Companions of My Life

/ James Browning / 1 Comment

This morning I sit here at my desk at home on a Monday morning; a time I would normally be in my office at work.  I am enjoying the first day of a week off for a stay at home vacation.  Of course there are things I need to do, but I plan on sleeping late, reading, listening to music and taking life a bit easier than usual.  (I smile from just writing that!). 

In the spirit of my first day off, my offering today is shorter than usual and consists of the borrowed words of others.  It is my hope that the lesser quantity of words will allow the meaning to be larger and easier to see.  The thoughts expressed have great meaning to me.  I am grateful for these favorite written companions of my life and the pronounced significance they have to me.  I hope you find them meaningful too.

Relationships – of all kinds – are like sand held in your hand. Held loosely, with an open hand, the sand remains where it is. The minute you close your hand and squeeze tightly to hold on, the sand trickles through your fingers. You may hold onto it, but most will be spilled. A relationship is like that. Held loosely, with respect and freedom for the other person, it is likely to remain intact. But hold too tightly, too possessively, and the relationship slips away and is lost. Kaleel Jamison, The Nibble Theory and the Kernel of Power 

 

Life, if you keep chasing it so hard, will drive you to death. Time – when pursued like a bandit – will behave like one, always remaining one county or one room ahead of you, changing its name and hair color to elude you, slipping out the back door of the motel just as you’re banging through the lobby with your newest search warrant, leaving only a burning cigarette in the ashtray to taunt you. At some point you have to stop because it won’t. You have to admit that you can’t catch it. That you’re not supposed to catch it. At some point, you gotta let go and sit still and allow contentment to come to you.”  Elizabeth Gilbert  

 

Be daring, be different, be impractical, be anything that will assert integrity of purpose and imaginative vision against the play-it-safers, the creatures of the commonplace, the slaves of the ordinary. Sir Cecil Beaton 

 

 I’ve learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.  Maya Angelou

 

Every day’s a good day.  Some are just better than others!  I hope yours is a rewarding one.

A Substance of Great Value

/ James Browning / 1 Comment

While searching for something completely unrelated on the net this morning I came across a short piece about alchemists of myth and legend.  Among other points in the article was this definition of alchemy:  any magical power or process of transmuting a common substance, usually of little value, into a substance of great value. 

Reading the definition of alchemy reminded me of a story I had read, but could not remember its source off the top of my head.  After flipping through my books for a while I eventually found the fable where I had originally seen it in Melody Beattie’s book “The Lessons of Love”: 

In a mysterious land, not so far away, and in a time not that long ago, word spread of a man called the Alchemist.  In his presence, things transformed.  He could, some said, turn a single dry bone of a deer into a green forest, alive with rushing water, wind, sunshine, grass and a gentle doe nuzzling her fawn.  He could turn pain, tragedy, agony – spiritual voids and the angst of the worst kind – into laughter, healing, and a joy so gentle yet deep that it rocked the soul.  And hope the purest, sweetest gift of all.   He could turn the basest metal into gold. 

One day, having heard of his magic, an angry young man pounded on the Alchemist’s door, demanding that his ore be turned into gold.  “Why?” asked the Alchemist.  “I need money to pay bills.  Now hurry!” the young man huffed.  The Alchemist turned him away.

 A second time the young man returned, again demanding gold.  Asked why, he sputtered, “Why must you even ask?”  Again his request was denied. 

On this third visit, the young man knocked more gently.  “Please don’t turn me away,” he said, “I need gold to but a ring, a gift for my beloved.”  This time, his wish was granted. 

The message I get from the teaching tale is: any change I desire within myself can come only when my heart is humble and my mind is aligned with it in truth and honesty.  Certainly that speaks volumes about my life and why it was one way for so long.  Then in a matter of months living began to earnestly change to be now be so very different and much improved.  

“When the pain to stay the same, exceeds the pain to change, we change” is a saying dear to me found on a bulletin board about four years ago.  About that time, with lots of help and support, I was able to practice my own kind of “alchemy”.  Within I began to be changed from being driven by the baser of my desires to a man who more closely paralleled all, not just most of, the ideals I held true.

The point expressed more simply is, in regard to relationships, I began to not be so much of who I had been and started instead to be more of person I wanted to be.  My actions began to match my beliefs, not just some of the time but nearly all of the time.  I became an alchemist of my own desires and needs by applying potions of understanding, knowledge and help from others.  My “lead” became “gold”. 

With most any part of  my life I can apply a sort of ‘alchemy’ that can transmute what “is” into a substance of greater value.  Whether it is health, weight, spiritual lack, knowledge shortfall, emotional state, engrained habit or strong tendency, I have the power to change “is” into something of greater value.  The great weakness of my the past was not believing the power was inside to change my life.  

Much of my life was spent thinking I needed something outside of me, like an Alchemist of the fable, to make real changes my life.  In vain I tried many external things that did not work:  moving to different places, changing significant others, making new friends, new jobs, taking on demanding hobbies, consuming interests and even anesthetizing myself with money and what it can buy.  None worked.  Only when I was truly ready to face myself, ask for assistance and do the work inside could the “base metal” of dysfunction begin to be turned to gold.  

I am grateful to know the art of personal alchemy today.  All it took was a beginning and a first step which centered on “if it is to be, it is up to me”.   No matter how much help was offered and available, my new start had to originate internally.  From the pain that was, a joy to be alive has grown.  I am abundantly thankful. 

We would rather be ruined than changed,
We would rather die in our dread
Than climb the cross of the moment
And let our illusions die.
W. H. Auden

Perfectly Imperfect: You Are Enough

/ James Browning / 2 Comments

This morning while searching in “My Documents” I came across something I wrote almost four years ago.  The “Recovery Letter” was originally hand-written while I was at The Meadows working past my childhood junk.  The assignment was to create a letter to one’s self that could be pulled out and read as an intervention tool in the event old practice and habit appeared to be trying to return.  My letter did come in handy once or twice in the months just after I returned to “real life”.  Since then times have been steadily better.  I have not read what I wrote in about three years.  It was unanticipated fortune to stumble upon the letter this morning.  The serendipitous re-reading and sharing it here renews and reaffirms the letter’s contents within me. 

October, 2007 

Dear James, 

Chances are if you are reading this you are going through a difficult time.  You may be hurt, stressed, lonely or suffering from old wounds.  But DON’T do what you have thought about.  Read this entire letter and think about what is being said here:

  • Your compulsion is a dead-end.
  • There is not anything good about it but momentary pleasure.
  • You will feel horrible and guilty like always, but especially now that you have worked so hard to recover.
  • Think of all those you will disappoint.
  • Think of how much you will be disappointing yourself!
  • Somewhere within it all you will begin to lie again and keep secrets.
  • Professionally your career could be hurt badly when others find out … and in time they will.
  • Think of what your son will think of you.
  • Your Mother and Father’s abuse will be alive within you once again.  THEY WILL WIN!!!!  YOU ARE NOT THEM!!!
  • You will worry about what you have done, shame will fill you and sleep will be difficult.

 So think about what you are considering.  Think long and hard.  Remember what you learned at the Meadows:

You are enough.   
You are NOT your past.
You are a good man.
You are perfectly imperfect
Think of the child within that needs you.
You are strong and can accomplish anything.
 
You deserve better.  You are worthy of having your needs met in a way that respects the ideals you stand for.  You are loved.   You are respected.  Keep your new spirituality intact.  Enjoy the peace you have searched for… for so very long.  Don’t mess up the grace you have found.
 
Somehow, someway PLEASE find a way to fill your need besides what you are thinking of doing.  Don’t do that one thing that messes up EVERYTHING.  You have worked so hard to be free.  I beg you, PLEASE DON’T do what you are thinking of.
 
Remember all you feel is the torture of your past.  It is not real anymore.  Don’t lie to yourself.  Remember your truth.  You love yourself.  Let it fill you.  Now call a friend, a peer, take a photograph, do affirmations, read a book, go for a ride or a walk… do whatever you need to do… BUT DON”T ACT OUT AGAIN.  I BEG YOU NOT TO DO IT.
 
I LOVE YOU, 
me

It takes courage to grow up and become who you really are. 
E. E. Cummings