Wisdom

Warts and All

/ James Browning / 4 Comments

When the phrase “I love me” was spoken aloud the statement used to feel awkward, uncomfortable and untrue.  No, more than that; it felt stupid.  Now I know why it seemed so foreign; I did not love myself!  At best I loved myself a little with lots of reservations built in.   At worst, I held myself in great contempt and could come up with nothing specific to love myself for.  I have learned that love of self is inexplicably tied to my ability to love others.  Whenever love is conditional upon external conditions it is not really love at all and likely some sort of compulsion or obsession instead.  Coming to know love “warts and all” has been a real eye opener for me.  Or better yet, a real “soul opener”. 

The phrase “warts and all” has often been credited to Oliver Cromwell’s instructions to the painter Sir Peter Lely.  Lely’s painting style was, as was usual in the 1600’s, intended to flatter the sitter.  Cromwell had a preference for being portrayed as a military man and disdained any form of personal vanity. Cromwell was so adamant that Lely modified his usual overly complementary style and did what the leader wanted.

It is recorded that Cromwell’s words were “Mr. Lely, I desire you would use all your skill to paint my picture truly like me, and not flatter me at all; but remark all these roughness’s, pimples, warts and everything as you see me, otherwise I will never pay a farthing for it.”  We have Oliver Cromwell’s death mask as a reference. The mask shows a face with warts and imperfections making it evident that Lely’s portrait is an accurate record of Cromwell’s actual appearance.

How I began to love myself was to find some acceptance for my “roughness’s, pimples, warts”.  I made peace with my non-perfect features and habits.  It took time to come to see that each of those imperfect things worked together to create a unique person that has not been before nor will ever be again.  Given time and practice I did come to know the meaning of “perfectly imperfect”.  I became glad to be me.

My acceptance of self had to happen on many levels before I could love myself.  There had to be peace made with my age (in my 50’s) and wishes of being younger had to be taken down to few and far between.  I needed a clear realization of what my talents were which could only come with acceptance of my lack of talent in other things.  It was the contrast between the two that created a more clear way of my seeing me.  There needed to be pride and satisfaction from my past good behaviors and forgiveness for the ones I regretted.  Finding fulfillment in my fiscal health as it was had to happen so I could put away “wishing my life away” for money and things I did not have.  It even took accepting that no woman would ever love me again romantically in order for romantic love to find me.  

The pinnacle of the lesson could not be achieved until I found contentment with who I was and what I had done.  Only then could I love myself.  If I allowed misgivings about my past or disliked my present lot in life, my ability to love was unconditionally was stunted.  

Once upon a time I thought “self-care” was about spoiling one’s self.  Luxury, comfort and pleasure were always the first things that came to mind when I thought of it.  As enjoyable as such experiences may be they are not necessarily good self-care and can easily be the reverse in the form of a compulsion or addiction.

Today I love my self.   Saying “no” to something I don’t want to do is good self-care just as well as eating healthfully is.  Making sure I get ample sleep and rest is good self-care and so is setting good boundaries with others.  Even putting people not good for me outside my life is good self-care just as well as getting past bad habits. 

Until personal truth was made of the statement “you can not truly love others until you love yourself” I honestly did not know what love really was.  Opening my heart, mind and soul to acceptance of the “real me”is what brought me to its true meaning.  Once I began to find “me” I discovered love had been around me the whole time.  However, my state of being previously caused me to be unable to feel it.   Today I am grateful for the ability to feel honest human emotion and to love myself “warts and all”.  Joy leaps in my heart as I write those words.

Self love is food for your mind-body-soul, the nourishment that you need even before you can make any meaningful attempt to do anything great or anything at all. You access the beauty, strength, grace and eternal nature that is you.  Evelyn Lim

What You Think of Me is None of My Business

/ James Browning / 2 Comments

When considered all together, getting older is a good balance of what I am glad about and what I sometimes wish were no so.  Of course, having more of the hair I used to have or a back that does not ache after working in the yard or to not need reading glasses are good examples of what’s on the “I wish were not so list”.  Moving to the “I’m glad about list” immediately I find gratitude for knowledge not possible in younger years that has come from a broad range of life experience.  I cherish the wisdom earned the hard way mostly from my mistakes. 

One of the gems of wisdom I am grateful for is summed up in the words of Wayne Dyer:  What you think of me is none of my business.  No magic immunity from such thinking have I learned, but what others think of me plainly matters much less here in the fifth decade of my life than ever before.  Bosses I work for don’t make me nervous any more (does it have anything to do with the fact that most are younger and less experienced than me?)  Dressing nicely still matters, but comfort in what I have on is at the top of my list and matters ten times more than what others think of my wardrobe.       

A good deal of personal growth is evident to anyone who has long known me.  However, inwardly there remains speculation from time to time if I measure up in other people eyes.  An often successful method I use to combat such “stinking thinking” is to self-question with this thought:  How would I feel if I was literally unable to worry about another person’s opinion of me?  Getting some sort of silent mental answer in response to that quandary seems to banish the need to care what others think more often than not.  

Deep down I know I don’t need the approval of others. It is my ego, the fragile little pretend person within, that craves approval and fears disapproval. Even with the wisdom of years my mind will take things personally sometimes if I let it.  The need to attempt to gain power through approval and disapproval games will always be there. Here in middle age I am grateful to be able to separate myself from my ego more successfully and know approval and disapproval have no real value whatsoever.  In reality, another person’s thought or opinion about me is never personal, because it is never really about me in the first place. It’s about them. A person’s thoughts about anything and everything are only about them self. 

Writer Byron Katie has written several self-help books that have been insightful to me.  She says my business is what I think and what I feel.  If I get worried about how someone feels about me, I’m in their business. And if I’m busy living in their business, how am I present for my own business?  A helpful process Katie recommends to throw off untrue thoughts she calls “Inquiry”.  This process I have found helpful includes four questions to ask one’s self:
1. Is it true?
2. Can you absolutely know that it’s true?
3. How do you react when you think that thought?
4. Who would you be without the thought?

The most intimate relationship I have is the one with my own mind.  When that chatterbox in my head is stressing and screaming, I find that it will keep on doing it until I give it some attention.  That sort of thinking is like a toddler in a grocery store pitching a fit until it gets attention.  One way I give that attention is  putting my thoughts through Byron Katie’s four questions.  When I truly question their validity it’s common to find beliefs I have had for 5, 10, 30 years, even the worst, most stressful ones, disappear with regularity.  Then the “monkey mind chatterbox” (my brain) slows down and living becomes easier and life tastes better.  

When I can consider things objectively I see the most others can have of me is an opinion.  When thinking clearly I know to elevate another’s opinion of me to the status of a judgment is simply ridiculous. No one can judge me unless I grant him or her the power of being my judge.

When I let go of worry over other people’s opinions, I become free to reflect on my own opinion of myself. Living according to my own truth is an act of self-love and self-care. When I live according to my own beliefs and stay in my own  business (and out of other’s business), I find others usually will honor the truths I live by, whether they agree with me or not.  To know that tidbit of wisdom is a gift I’m grateful for.

I don’t know the key to success, but the key to failure is trying to please everybody. Bill Cosby

But for the Grace of God

/ James Browning / 4 Comments

My memory of that afternoon awakens thoughts of a sunny fall day.  Back in time a dozen years it was one of those in-between days of not cold yet, but not warm either.  Balanced between extremes that Saturday was one of those cool fall days I love most. 
 
Gone are the details of where my then-wife and I were driving to, but clear is the mental image of the ramp she was exiting on.  It was one of those long, circular highway exits that causes you go twenty-five miles an hour around three-quarters of a circle to get to the other side of the road.  Once there I looked down on that side of the in-town freeway to see an old car with a much older man outside taking to someone sitting on the passenger side. 
 
After getting my wife to pull over over safely on the side of the ramp, I got out and yelled down to the stranded man “are you OK?”  A slow Oklahoma country drawl came from the old man’s mouth “No sir, we ain’t”.   He looked harmless enough and had some difficulty walking, so I felt safe headed down the bank of the ramp to get close enough to talk to him.  On my way down I saw he was at least seventy-five or so and his passenger was a woman near his age who I assumed was his wife, which he later confirmed. 
 
As I stopped about six feet away from him, the old man said “once upon a time I was rich, but not no more.  That’s been gone for a long time.  It’s OK, but it’s hard when I come up short sometimes like now”.  I asked what was going on and he answered “we’re trying to get to some family down in Tahlequah.  The gas gauge don’t work and I thought we had enough to get there.  I was wrong and we ain’t got no money.”
 
About that time I saw the head of a baby close to a year old pop up from the lap of the woman in the car.  The old man said “that’s my great grand baby!  My wife and I been takin’ care of her ‘cause her momma and daddy ain’t no good.  It’s hard on us, but church helps us some and we get by.  I try not to complain ‘cause it’s what the good Lord sent us.  When I hold that little baby I just know God’ll provide for us somehow”.   
 
I asked about credit cards and found they didn’t have any.  I knew what had to be done. Remembering a farm supply store a few miles away across from a mini-mart I told him we’d be back be back in fifteen or twenty minutes with some gas.  At that moment the first smile I’d seen on the old guy’s face lit up.  The smile was missing half the teeth it once had but was warm and genuine.  His relief was obvious.  As I walked back to our car above I heard his “thank you mister” followed by the old woman chiming in right after with “God bless you sir”.
 
A half hour later we were back with a near full red plastic five gallon gas can.  My wife stayed in the car after we pulled up behind them on the shoulder of the road.  Not much spilled as I poured the gas into the tank of the old car without a funnel.  When done the old guy began trying to start his car.  It took a while and several false starts with the engine spitting and sputtering until it roared to life.  The motor was not running well, but seemed like it could get them to where they needed to go.
 
After buying the gas can and gas, I still had twenty-five dollars and some change left.  I kept a five and tried to give the remaining twenty to the old man sitting behind wheel of his old car.  He said “No sir, I ain’t gonna take your money.  You already been real too kind to us.  I’m much obliged God sent you.”  I insisted saying he didn’t have enough gas to finish his trip.  He continued to resist and shake his head side to side to say “no”.
 
Walking around to the passenger side of the car I made eye contact with the old lady and asked her if it would be ok if I gave her the money for the baby.  She looked at her husband and then at me… and repeated looking back and forth between us several times.  She never said a word, but ever so slightly he nodded his head “yes” to her.  I handed the money through the window and as she took it she held back tears and repeated the only four words I had heard her say earlier; “God bless you sir”.  Soon the car steered onto the highway and faded into the distance.
 
To this day I don’t know why I believed the old man.  He could have been a con artist, but if so he was damn good at it.  Even now I feel certain he was legit.  Real pain and fear are hard to make up.  The exact look in his face when he first looked into my eyes and began to speak saying “I used to be rich….” clearly showed the old man’s anguish. 

Even thought my now ex-wife was nervous enough to not get out of her truck, she was proud of what I did that day.  There will always be gladness within that we got to help someone in need, but to an even greater degree I am grateful for the gift I got that day.   Many times I have remembered the old man’s words “I used to be rich…” and how they touched me.  Thinking about those words and the situation I found him is a reminder that nothing on this Earth is permanent.  Tough times harder than we can even imagine are never far away from happening. The possessions I own, the money I have, the good health I enjoy: everything could all be gone in a blink!  I am grateful my memory of the encounter with the old couple is so vibrant yet today.  Each time I recall it my mind whispers softly to my soul, “There but for the grace of God, go I”.

Courage is as often the outcome of despair as of hope; in the one case we have nothing to lose, in the other, everything to gain.   Diane de Pointiers

When the Student is Ready…

/ James Browning / 2 Comments

Several times in the last ten years I have received a forwarded email titled “Bill Gates 11 Rules for Life” and while the list contains some relatively good advice, it has nothing to do with Bill Gates.  He never made a speech at a high school that contained the material being attributed to him.  The list most often sent around is actually incomplete in its length and who it is credited to.  The complete list includes 14 rules and comes from “Some Rules Kids Won’t Learn In School” by Charles J. Sykes.  It was originally printed in the San Diego Union Tribune on September 19, 1996.  Here’s the original text in complete and unedited form:

Unfortunately, there are some things that children should be learning in school, but don’t. Not all of them have to do with academics. As a modest back-to-school offering, here are some basic rules that may not have found their way into the standard curriculum.

Rule No. 1: Life is not fair. Get used to it. The average teen-ager uses the phrase, “It’s not fair” 8.6 times a day. You got it from your parents, who said it so often you decided they must be the most idealistic generation ever. When they started hearing it from their own kids, they realized Rule No. 1.

Rule No. 2: The real world won’t care as much about your self-esteem as much as your school does. It’ll expect you to accomplish something before you feel good about yourself. This may come as a shock. Usually, when inflated self-esteem meets reality, kids complain it’s not fair. (See Rule No. 1)

Rule No. 3: Sorry, you won’t make $40,000 a year right out of high school. And you won’t be a vice president or have a car phone either. You may even have to wear a uniform that doesn’t have a Gap label.

Rule No. 4: If you think your teacher is tough, wait ’til you get a boss. He doesn’t have tenure, so he tends to be a bit edgier. When you screw up, he’s not going to ask you how you feel about it.

Rule No. 5: Flipping burgers is not beneath your dignity. Your grand-parents had a different word of burger flipping. They called it opportunity. They weren’t embarrassed making minimum wage either. They would have been embarrassed to sit around talking about Kurt Cobain all weekend.

Rule No. 6: It’s not your parents’ fault. If you screw up, you are responsible. This is the flip side of “It’s my life,” and “You’re not the boss of me” and other eloquent proclamations of your generation. When you turn 18, it’s on your dime. Don’t whine about it, or you’ll sound like a baby boomer.

Rule No. 7: Before you were born your parents weren’t as boring as they are now. They got that way paying your bills, cleaning up your room and listening to you tell them how idealistic you are. And by the way, before you save the rain forest from the blood-sucking parasites of your parents’ generation, try delousing the closet in your bedroom.

Rule No. 8: Your school may have done away with winners and losers. Life hasn’t. In some schools, they’ll give you as many times as you want to get the right answer. Failing grades have been abolished and class valedictorians scrapped, lest anyone’s feelings be hurt. Effort is as important as results. This, of course, bears not the slightest resemblance to anything in real life. (See Rule No. 1, Rule No. 2 and Rule No. 4)

Rule No. 9: Life is not divided into semesters, and you don’t get summers off. Not even Easter break. They expect you to show up every day. For eight hours. And you don’t get a new life every 10 weeks. It just goes on and on. While we’re at it, very few jobs are interesting in fostering your self-expression or helping you find yourself. Fewer still lead to self-realization. (See Rule No. 1 and Rule No. 2.)

Rule No. 10: Television is not real life. Your life is not a sitcom. Your problems will not all be solved in 30 minutes, minus time for commercials. In real life, people actually have to leave the coffee shop to go to jobs. Your friends will not be as perky or pliable as Jennifer Aniston.

Rule No. 11: Be nice to nerds. You may end up working for them. We all could.

Rule No. 12: Smoking does not make you look cool. It makes you look moronic. Next time you’re out cruising, watch an 11-year-old with a butt in his mouth. That’s what you look like to anyone over 20. Ditto for “expressing yourself” with purple hair and/or pierced body parts.

Rule No. 13: You are not immortal. (See Rule No. 12.) If you are under the impression that living fast, dying young and leaving a beautiful corpse is romantic, you obviously haven’t seen one of your peers at room temperature lately.

Rule No. 14: Enjoy this while you can. Sure parents are a pain, school’s a bother, and life is depressing. But someday you’ll realize how wonderful it was to be a kid. Maybe you should start now.

You’re welcome.

Whether you’re six or sixty there is good practical advice for living contained within Mr. Sykes list.  Even for my peers who are “middle ager’s” all we have to do is substitute a few words here and there and apply a different context on a few rules to make the advice fully applicable.  I am grateful for the reminder this list brings to me and for it coming back into my life again today completely unexpected via email.

When the student is ready, the teacher will appear. Buddhist Proverb 

And Then the Day Came….

/ James Browning / 3 Comments

Be moderate in order to taste the joys of life in abundance.
Epicurus

Looking back I can see lacking moderation burned brightly through the majority of my life.  Only a few years ago I began to see how out of control my behavior was.  That awareness was a shock at first but over time became my personal catalyst for growth and evolution.  
 
Gone are the days of believing I was earning some sort of merit badge to be one of the very last people to leave work each day.  In hindsight what I was trying to prove with that behavior escapes me.  Was I trying to make others think more highly of me because of my hardcore work ethic?  Was I attempting to prove worth to myself?  Was I avoiding things outside of work?  Correct answer:  all three!
 
Once upon a time the home life I cultivated contained even more mania.  Always there was a consuming interest that filled my time away from work.  Learning to fly and owning an airplane filled my spare time for around a decade.  Then came my photography studio for ten years where I worked on average of two nights per week and a day and a half each weekend in addition to my very demanding full-time job.  These and other “interests” were “blocking tools” to avoid dealing with things that needed attention.  Each was a sort of madness I used as something to run away into.  As long as I kept running away I did not have to deal with things. Oh, did I say I was married and had a son in school while I was lost in this craziness?

From the book “Now Is the Time” by Patrick Lindsay
Life rushes between the mundane and madness.
Contentment is often found in moderation.
Balance is elusive.
But simply seeking it allows you to avoid excesses.
Don’t make it a contest:
Allow things to happen naturally.
You’ll be surprised how often they center themselves
And open up vast possibilities.

Running away and living a relentlessly manic life eventually became tiring.  Under the weight of accumulated regret and sheer exhaustion what I was running away from caught up with me.  My junk from childhood tackled and took me down.  My only escape was to finally deal with it all.  And then the day came when the desire to remain the same was more painful than the risk to evolve.
 
Last evening I spent time looking carefully through a notebook and other materials I saved from the five weeks I voluntarily choose to spend at The Meadows http://www.themeadows.com/.  In 2007, it was there I sought treatment for depression, compulsion and childhood trauma.  Until last night my notes from that time had not been touched for over 4 years.   There is no way to have known in advance what an emotional experience reading and looking back would be.
 
Looking through the materials, readily apparent was how far I had come in the fifty months since my recovery began in earnest.  It did my self-image good to see all those baby steps taken day by day since then had accumulated into great positive personal growth.  It was also clear how screwed up I was before my work began in earnest to have a better life. 
 
In a notebook I found there is this I wrote about sexual compulsion:  I came to the Meadows to learn how to learn to manage my addiction; to find a way to keep from damaging my life.  I have been celibate for almost eight months, but I know it was just a matter of time like it has always been in my adult life before eventually I got triggered again.  Most of all my addiction has hurt me, damaged me and caused me to carry a pile of unnecessary shame.  I am tired of it, sick to my bones of the addiction.  There is no peace in my life that I need so badly. 
 
Hand written a few pages later was: By giving in I already have found some relief to my chronic pain from my addiction.  It gives me joy to know that with my Higher Power I can move forward with my life:  one life, not two.  Not one in the open and one secret like before.  I just need to use what I have learned, accept help and stop trying to do it all by myself.  I need to remember I am enough, to love myself and keep my faith in my Higher Power. 
 
Just below I wrote:  I’m 54 years old and I want peace, I need it and will do whatever I can to attain it. 
 
That is exactly what happened.  In the four years since those passages were written a good measure of peace and balance has come into my life.  Truthfully the words “I am happy” can come from my mouth.  And for the first time I have fallen in love without all the noise and dysfunction within me.  I am  very grateful for how far I have come.

Healing may not be so much about getting better, as about letting go of everything that isn’t you – all of the expectations, all of the beliefs – and becoming who you are.  Rachel Naomi Remen

Thanksgiving for One

/ James Browning / 4 Comments

 “Thanksgiving for One” Menu for Thursday, November 22, 2007
Turkey Breast
Stuffing
Corn
Green Beans
Mashed Potatoes
Gravy
Rolls
Butter
Cranberry-Jell
Milk

Four years ago those items were what I prepared for myself on Thanksgiving 2007; one of the loneliest days I have experienced.  Before then I have no memory of a major holiday spent fully alone and certainly never a Thanksgiving.  In 2007 there were two invitations to join others for dinner that day, but I declined knowing the self-prescribed time alone was a dose of the remedy I needed to swallow; the bitter cure I had to ingest. 

At the time I was about a year into serious recovery from depression, trauma and compulsions.  There was a very painful divorce I was still grieving over and was only beginning to become accustomed to my own company.  Previously my “me-alone-time” was limited to no more than a day or two and frequently a few hours was all I could stand.  Any more was usually acutely uncomfortable.  Why?  Because so much of how I felt about myself came from outside me in what psychology calls “other-esteem”. 

When the majority of esteem came outside myself I had limited control over how I felt about “me”.  I gave control away to the things and people I relied upon for “other-esteem”. Like a puppet on strings and someone or something else was always pulling them and controlling me.  What a wild ride it was to be so in pain and yet not know how to take responsibility and control for myself.  

When esteem inside was lacking, the strong tendency was to fill in the void with people, things and whatever would temporarily give me a “fix” and help me feel better.  Those were the days when “other-esteem” came from money, possessions, sex, accomplishments, relationships and things I could “possess”, or at least thought I could.  Such things outside me made me feel better for a little while, but only temporarily.  My need was never sated for long and another fix was needed…then another… and another.   Constantly I needed more and more and yet got less and less from all those external things.

The killer of self-esteem is self-loathing and it is something like a virus.  If exposed to low self-esteem in our families, we catch it from them as we grow up.  My parents caught it from the people who raised them and before them this way of living was likewise passed down from generation to generation.  There is no fault to place today on my parents.  They did the best they knew how.  As an adult there is nothing good to come from the blame game.  Rather, better emotional health comes only when I shoulder the responsibility for me as all mine.    

Low self-esteem is a stage of grief that has not healed.  The message to myself was I did not deserve better and as a grown up I subconsciously undermined me.   It was the thinking I used to keep me from ever having what was wanted and needed.  My thinking always flashed “UNWORTHY” in big red letters.  Being deprived and undeserving is a downward spiral I spun in for years until I finally hit bottom and decided things had to change.    

Quick definitions for Clarity’s Sake
Self:  unique being; individual.
Other: contrary; alternate; reversed.
Esteem: regard; value.

Using those meanings:
What I used to have:   A contrary, alternate and reversed regard and value of myself (Other-Esteem).
What I needed:  An individual regard and value of myself as a unique being (Self-Esteem).

My esteem today is mostly of the “self” variety, but being a work in progress there is still plenty of the “other” variety I do battle with here and there.  The slow but consistent progress I have made has allowed the happiness I enjoy now.  What is won with the greatest difficulty is usually valued most.  Attaining a corrected view of my self turned me inside out and was a highly painful process, but worth every ounce of discomfort.   I am grateful!

Only as high as I reach can I grow,
Only as far as I seek can I go,
Only as deep as I look can I see,
Only as much as I dream can I be.
Karen Ravn

For a quick indication of where you stand with your “self-esteem” go to the link below and take a short ten question quiz that uses the Rosenberg Self-Esteem Scale developed by Dr. Morris Rosenberg.   http://www.wwnorton.com/college/psych/psychsci/media/rosenberg.htm

Come Home to Now

/ James Browning

Do you find excessive love in your life?
Is there too much tenderness?
Do you have an over abundance of gentleness in your life?
Is there a surplus of luck?
Do you live with an excess of joy in your life?
Is there too much understanding?
Do things go your way too often in your life?
Is there excessive winning for you?
Do you have too much peace in your life?
Is there far more time than you need?
Do you have way too much money in your life?
Is there truth beyond what you desire?
OR
Are you often left to feel too lonely?
Is there not as much love as you’d like in your life?
Do you wish there was more joy?
Is there a shortage of tenderness in your life?
Do you wish things would go your way more often?
Is there a yearning for more peace in your life?
Do you aspire for more money?
Is there a longing for more time in your life?
Do you ache for additional gentleness?
Is there a desire to win more in your life?
Do you need more happiness?
Is there too little truth in your life?

Desiring
Hoping
Yearning
Longing
Hankering
Carving
Needing
Aspiring
Aching
Hungering
Wanting
………… Such constant spinning of the mind creates the storm of uncertainty and unhappiness most live within.

It is the human condition to reach for more of what we have or desire to fill in the lack’s we perceive.  The world is viewed largely through a vision of what is wrong far more than what is good.  We constantly ponder what we question or have incomplete concepts of.  The primal brain of thousands of years ago which kept our ancestors safe in the bush by constantly questioning and looking for “what was wrong or not right” does not serve us so well today.

By realizing I am wired to find fault far too easily and to miss much of what is good I can improve my life experience greatly.  The wondering “what if”; the excessive desiring, hoping, yearning, longing, hankering, carving, needing, aspiring, aching, hungering, and wanting all conspired within me to be the dysfunction I lived with for so a long while.  But no more do I live this way, at least not all the time.

Mindfulness has changed my life experience greatly.  I have come to know everything changes. Everything is impermanent. It was my past attempts to attach myself to impermanent things, and gain happiness thereby, that guaranteed and perpetuated my suffering.  My insight today is only “this moment” is real.  When I find my self wanting and wondering I try to come “home” to “now”.

The life being experienced as I write at this exact moment is a rare, precious opportunity to choose to return to the roots of my being, avoid reactivity, and promote clarity, kindness, and compassion.  And within I am able to share myself here just as I feel at the moment.  I may be different an hour from now, but just “now” this is what is within me.  As an imperfect human I will never always succeed in my attempts to be fully present, but the very attempt always makes me a success.

My view of what “is” can only become clear when my momentary existence is centered in the “now”.  My attempts to live in the present do not currently, and probably will not ever, make up the majority of my life being lived in the “present”.  As an imperfect human I will always be imperfect in my attempts to be fully present, but the very attempt always makes me a success. I am grateful to know that just this little bit of effort makes for a better life.

What is the mind? It is the past, the memory, the accumulated experience. But the moment you have experienced the thing, it is dead. Experiencing is in the present, experience is in the past.  Osho

No Priviledged Access to Reality

/ James Browning / 1 Comment

Quite by accident last night on my hotel room TV I stumbled onto an episode of “Nature” on PBS that grabbed my attention.  In it naturalist Joe Hutto became “mother” to a flock of wild turkeys and lived with them day in and day out.  His year and a half with the birds gave him a unique opportunity to immerse himself in their lives and see the world through their eyes.  At one point in the program he said we do not have a privileged access to reality.  We have this tendency to live ahead:  to anticipate.  Wild turkeys don’t do that.  They believe all their needs will be met in this moment and life is not better ½ mile deeper into the woods and tomorrow.   This is it.  We betray our lives in the moment.  Wild turkeys remind me to be present; to be here.

In my life weeks and months have passed when I had a little presence in the moment.  Either something from the past was always haunting me or thoughts of the future were worrying me.  Often both were happening at once. Looking back I don’t recall a single bit of the anguish ever making my life better.  However, I could not see the complete waste being disconnected from “now” was.  Wandering around in the past or future tripping is like being lost in a fog without even being aware of the blinding mist.

Remex Sasson has a good explanation of what living in the present is: to be aware of what is happening to you, what you are doing and what you are feeling and thinking. It is being conscious of your thoughts and focusing them on the present. In this way you look at situations as they are, without coloring them with your past experiences. Living in such a way makes it easier to deal with whatever you are doing at the present moment. You see things as they are, without being influenced by fears, anger, desires or attachments.

For me rehashing the past or contemplating the future has a lot to do with control.  When I stop and focus, it’s a little crazy to realize I have tried over and over to get something in the past to make sense.  That was me trying to control the past; to change it; to bring it around to my way of thinking.  More often than not, the past just was and makes no logical sense.  I see that better today.

It took intention and practice to break my habit of excessive worrying about the future and fretting about the past.  Now the realization is clear all that was just a deeply ingrained bad habit.  There was no quick fix for me.  Intention and desire was the beginning for me to change.  Determination to improve my life made it possible. A meditation practice made my effort consistent.  And learning from a variety of people from Tolle to Epictetus, Lama Das to Moses, Collier to Seligman and more gave wisdom to urge me forward.

Sitting here at the keyboard my thoughts again drift to the “Nature” program last night where naturalist Joe Hutto repeatedly made the point that animals in the wild are much smarter than we give them credit.  He intimated it is a great mistake to think wild animals are dumb.  Just because they are completely ignorant of the ways of the civilized world does not make them stupid. They are born with genetic imprinting humans have lost over time due to lack of need.  Consequently in these times we are the ones that come into the world “dumb”. 

We’re living in a world that contributes in a major way to mental fragmentation, disintegration, distraction, de-coherence, says Buddhist scholar B. Alan Wallace. We’re always doing something, and we allow little time to practice stillness and calm.

No magical cure has found me.  There has no painless rebirth.  It has instead been a practiced awareness that came from repeated trial and error that changed things.  Now I can at least some of the time keep myself rooted in the present.  Gone are the days when 100% of the time my past and future roared like a waterfall to drown out all of the “now”.  It’s likely at least half the time I still am somewhere else other than the present.  But that also means about half the time I am right here, right now!

Within there is much awareness that I miss the one in my heart and look forward to feeling her in my arms tonight when I return from being away for several days. A smile comes and I resist trying to imagine our reunion in more detail.  Instead I hang on to the warm and contented feeling those thoughts bring knowing she waits for me and go back to whatever I am doing.  I am so very grateful to be at this juncture of my life where every moment is dear to me.  I’ll be home soon Darlin’.

Having spent the better part of my life trying either to relive the past or experience the future before it arrives, I have come to believe that in between these two extremes is peace.  Author Unknown

Shelter from the Storm

/ James Browning / 1 Comment

For the majority of my days there was a storm going on inside me.  I assumed that state of being was how life was for everyone and came to accept the uncertainty, questioning, doubting, worrying and yearning.  These thoughts and feelings are part of a normal human experience, but not at the hurricane levels they blew me around within the hell I lived in.  

I am glad the constant storm is over now.  The winds rise from time to time, but never as they once were.  In recovery from dysfunction I had to learn how to be alone.  Those dark nights and colorless days of loneliness were long but ceased to paint my life all dark colors a while back.  A good example of what does not kill you makes you better is how I was able to trade insecurity and loneliness for a capacity to love life; a true miracle of sorts!

Life has been genuinely good for a while now.  In recent months good has become better and now wonderful as love of a woman has entered my heart.  There was acceptance such a thing would likely never happen again which makes the surprise a gift all the sweeter.  In my journey through the miles of loneliness I ran across a saying that helped me never completely lose faith in the possibility of love, no matter how distant it seemed.  Get yourself emotionally healthy and someone healthy will find you. And that is exactly what happened! 

Reflecting on those two sayings in italics above that have been my encouraging companions, I started to think of a few other “friends” in word that have helped me in my journey. 

When the pain to stay the same exceeds the pain to change, we change.  A living example of those words I am.  It would be grand if I could tell you how strong and determined I was and such strengths moved me to grow and heal.  That did not happen and it took desperation instead.  Only then was I was willing to do whatever was necessary to leave the emptiness and pain behind.  

You can only love someone else as much as you love yourself.  This has nothing to do with ego and all to do with seeing the good in me and accepting the not so good; appreciating my talents and attributes and seeing past my flaws and imperfections.  It is the perfectly imperfect way of seeing that gives fertile ground for love to grow in, of myself and others. 

Every day’s a good day, some are just better than others.  I did not believe the meaning of those words when they began to be my steady response to “how are you?”  Slowly over time as I experienced improvements from applying myself to growth and healing, the statement became a sort of mantra I believe today with all my heart and soul.  

One of the worst mistakes anyone can make is being afraid to make one.  Just as walking without falling comes when stumbling over one’s own feet from trying too hard is stopped, life has more success when error is allowed and accepted.  For me it works like that now.  I screw up more, but I succeed far more often!

Learn to smile at yourself and you’ll always be amused.  I said this for years because I thought it was a catchy and clever line.  There was even a fragile belief I lived that way.  Until a few years ago that was utterly a delusion.  While I will never be a comedian or good joke teller, I certainly find lots to laugh about as I healthfully stumble forward.  

You find what you go looking for.  Expect crap and it will rain on you every day.  Expect good and it will come.  This is not a naïve statement of a person wearing rose-colored glasses.  The difficult and the painful still come.  Living with this belief strong in my heart and mind simply diminishes the bad and expands the good.  No more, no less.

Love is all that matters.  Love of life, love of family, love of friends, love of nature, love of a partner, love of God…. whatever form it comes it, love is the force that gives EVERYTHING meaning.  Without love life is just existence. 

I am thankful for every instance one of these sayings got me through a time of deep difficulty or dark challenge.  Each has been, and will continue to be, a dear friend and at-will momentary mantra to “save” me.  I am grateful!

Out of suffering have emerged the strongest souls.  The most massive characters are seared with scars. Kahlil Gibran

Gratitude: The Cure for Dissatisfaction

/ James Browning / 4 Comments

Why are so many of us unhappy? Why are mental health problems growing so rapidly? According to the Surgeon General 1 in 5 American adults AND children are affected by a mental disorder during each year! WHY?!?!

The following comes from an anonymously written editorial on the website chinatownconnection.com.  It is titled “Why Are Americans so Unhappy” and I believe sheds light on the “why”:

Is it that we have electricity and running water 24 hours a day, 7 days a week? Is our unhappiness the result of having air conditioning in the summer and heating in the winter? Could it be that 90+ % of these unhappy folks have a job? Maybe it is the ability to walk into a grocery store at any time and see more food in moments than Darfur has  seen in the last year?

Maybe it is the ability to drive from the Pacific Ocean to the Atlantic Ocean without having to present identification papers as we move through each state? Or possibly the hundreds of clean and safe motels we would find along the way that can provide temporary shelter? I guess having thousands of restaurants with varying cuisine from around the world is just not good enough. Or could it be that when we wreck our car,  emergency workers show up and provide services to help all involved. Whether you are rich or poor, they treat your wounds and even, if necessary, send a helicopter to take you to the hospital.

Perhaps you are one of the 70 percent of Americans who own a home. You may be upset with knowing that in the unfortunate case of having a fire, a group of trained firefighters will appear in moments and use top-notch equipment to extinguish the flames, thus saving you, your family and your belongings.

Or if, while at home watching one of your many flat-screen TVs, a burglar or prowler intrudes, an officer equipped with a gun and a bullet-proof vest will come to defend you and your family against attack or loss. This all in the backdrop of a neighborhood free of bombs or militias raping and pillaging the residents – in neighborhoods where 90 percent of teenagers own cell phones and computers.

How about the complete religious, social and political freedoms we enjoy that are the envy of everyone in the world? Maybe that is what has 67% of you folks unhappy.

A 2011 Gallup poll found Americans were somewhat or very dissatisfied with overall quality of life (23%), opportunity to get ahead by working hard (45%) and moral and ethical climate (70%).

Ruut Veenhoven of Erasmus University in Rotterdam does research on the subjective appreciation of life and maintains the “World Database of Happiness”. He found the United States not even close to the top ten with a general level of happiness that places our country at 17th!

OK. Now that I added fodder to the general murky mood in the U.S.A., please allow me to offer my perspective. When I had little growing up I did appreciate the things I did have, even though I yearned for more. Anything new was most often received with joy even if it was new clothes under the Christmas tree and few toys. When I was a struggling 20-something I remember buying my first new couch on credit that took 18 months to pay for. I loved that couch and to this day have never appreciated a piece of furniture as I did that one. Living after a natural disaster in a foreign country without running water for six weeks and electric service for almost three months taught me gratitude for those two things I had always taken for granted.  In retrospect of my life I can see it was lack and struggle that made me appreciate things most.  It was rarely, if ever, abundance that brought any more than momentary gratitude.

As a middle-aged adult I “made it” and had the resources to have and do most anything reasonable I wanted to do. I worked for years under the guise that $$ would make me happy but instead my unhappiness grew to its maximum level that accentuated every fault and dysfunction I had.

My level of contentment and appreciation of life today is the highest ever. While it took a lot of work, changing what was going on inside of me brought that about. It is my opinion that is what is wrong in our country today: Looking outside our self for “other esteem” will NEVER bring about good self-esteem within. I am living proof of that. If success, money, sex, awards, accomplishment, things and external experiences could make someone happy I would have floated away in delirious bliss years ago. Instead, it took pain and heartache followed by lots of deeply emotion inner work to open me to the sources of happiness. There is nothing perfect about my life. Trouble, concern and worry are still around. But today those things sit mostly on the bench in my game of life while contentment, caring and love are the primary players with gratitude as the quarterback.

Riches, both material & spiritual, can choke you if you do not use them fairly. For not even God can put anything in a heart that is already full. One day there springs up the desire for money & for all that money can provide: the superfluous, luxury in eating, luxury in dressing, trifles. Needs increase because one thing calls for another. The result is uncontrollable dissatisfaction. Let us remain as empty as possible so that God can fill us up. Mother Teresa