One Step at a Time

rear-view-mirrorIn a backwards look it is relatively easy to see how my life moved from one point to another even thought back then forward momentum seemed to be straight into fog. Everything ahead was obscured and I gave little thought to what I was doing or how my actions were shaping my future life. In a way I was like the fish who did not know he lived in water, except my pond was a lake of dysfunctional behavior.

I was dripping in pain, loneliness and self-induced delusion when I wrote “Alone”. It’s interesting that a man wrote it but the feelings are those of a child begging to be loved echoing within.

“ALONE”
I am alone now,
No one to talk to but myself.
All others have gone,
or else forsaken me long ago.
I look inward,
But only a hallow do I find,
Love inside,
But no one who wants it.
Why am I never good enough,
Why don’t I get loved more?
Why do those who say they care
Hurt me so much?
I cry alone…..

Over twenty years ago “Mistakes” was an partial and incomplete list of the mistakes I believed I had made to date.

I choose the wrong parents or else they choose me.
I grew up wanting love and getting little.
I give too much in my desire to be wanted and loved.
I married the wrong person.
I should have stayed single till much older.
I am too troubled to have a relationship with most people.
I am too good at my work and capable at little else.
I choose the wrong career.
I live in the wrong place.
I have driven away the love of my life.
I am sick because I did not take care of myself.
I managed money badly and had a car repossessed when young.
I was deceitful with women.
I have long loved someone outside marriage.
I have lied to have time with the one I love.
I have denied relations to my marriage partner because I love another.
I have stayed married.
I have a job I am good at but don’t like much.
I like more money than is healthy.
I am weak and need others for strength.
I need the one I love too much.
I express my love too openly to the one I love.
I should be stronger and more silent with love.
I stole a camera when I was 17.
I have not made a difference in this life.
I have been too self-centered.
I have expected too much of others.
I have been too selfish.
I have hurt others In business and messed up lives.
I failed the one I love.
I destroyed what the love of my life once felt for me.
I feel sorry for myself too much.
… Mistakes…
only a few of thousands…
oh, to have time to do it over again and right the wrongs…

These days I find myself wishing I had journaled or kept better notes of my thoughts and feelings of my 20s and 30s. However, am grateful for the random files I have found in the last few days that I wrote back in the early to mid 90’s. Seeing flashes of my old self mirrored through time illustrates how well recovery can work. “It works if you work it” is the saying often spoken at the end of 12 step meetings. As flimsy as that might initially sound to many, it’s true beyond what an uninvolved person can grasp. One step at a time, one day at a time: it works.

Happy trails to you,
until we meet again.
Some trails are happy ones,
Others are blue.
It’s the way you ride
the trail that counts,
Here’s a happy one for you.
From the song “Happy Trails” by Dale Evans

True Hope Is Made of This

2570539380102335886S425x425Q85Writing yesterday about a great love of long ago and mentioning losing her was the beginning of my demise into dysfunction has turned out to be an interesting piece of serendipity. The spiral that began back then is illustrated by what I was writing in the early to mid 90s. Purely by chance while looking for an old file, I came across these last night

WHY?

Why do I love those incapable of loving me as much in return?
Why do those who profess love to me hurt me so easily?
Why do those I love have to say “I’m sorry” so much?
Why can’t they just do different instead?

Why do I care if I live,
Since I care the most if I do.
I yearn for someone to make me live,
and want to be,
and give me a future to believe in.
Life without hope,
Without possibility,
Is such nothing.

Then, WHY am I?

IS, WHERE AND ARE?

Is there a woman who can love me as much as I love her?
Is there a woman who can believe in me as I do her?
Is there a woman who can support me as much as I do her?
Is there a woman who can help me as much as I do her.

Where is the woman who could hold me when I need to be held?
Where is the woman who can make my trouble go away?
Where is the woman that can give me strength?
Where is the woman who won’t doubt me?

Where is the woman who can love without demand
and know I would give all if she did?
Where is the woman?
Are you her?

Reading these was a pleasant wake up call to how far I have come, how much more peace is in my soul and how much better I understand love between a man and a woman. I no longer look for value and esteem outside myself as I once did. What a miracle! Gratitude washes over me as I write. I am highly thankful!

Though our hearts are not together,
Sweet fondness dreams of this:
I long to hear her laughter,
I long for just a kiss.
Though her eyes are elsewhere shining,
And warm embraces do I miss,
Yet passion’s song is mellow still,
For true hope is made of this.
“Absence” by Danny Rowden

A Precious Privilege

michael-yamashita-landscape-travel (1)

I would maintain that thanks are the highest form of thought,
and that gratitude is happiness doubled by wonder

is a quote by G.K. Chesterton I have personal proof of.

Gratefulness has a power to attract what I need and hope for; people from the past I lost but wanted to make contact with; money I needed arrived unexpectedly. With a grateful mind I sleep better; I am more productive; ALL my relationships are improved; life tastes better; I have more to look forward to. On and on to the point of near ad nauseam, beyond a doubt this has been proven to me in the last two years of writing here about gratitude every day.

Researchers in the field of gratitude, Psychologists Robert Emmons at the University of California at Davis, and Michael McCullough, at the University of Miami, have learned what I know without research: gratitude is really good for you.

In an experimental comparison Emmons and McCullough found people who take the time to keep a gratitude journal on a regular basis exercised more often, reported fewer physical issues, generally felt better about their lives, and were more optimistic about the upcoming week compared to those who kept track of hassles or neutral life events. Another benefit found was participants who kept gratitude lists were more likely to make progress toward important personal goals (academic, interpersonal and health-based).

Other Research has turned up physiological benefits of gratitude. It has been found when we think about someone or something we really appreciate and experience the feeling that goes with the thought, the parasympathetic – calming-branch of the autonomic nervous system – is triggered. This pattern when repeated brings a protective effect to the heart. The electromagnetic heart patterns of volunteers tested become more coherent and ordered when they activated feelings of appreciation.

There is evidence that when we practice bringing attention to what we appreciate in our lives, more positive emotions emerge. In a sort of positive pyramid effect, the more I pause to appreciate and show caring and compassion, the more order and coherence I experience internally.

Thank goodness research on gratitude has now challenged the idea of a “set point” for happiness. It was previously accepted that just as our body has a set point for weight, each person probably had a genetically determined level of happiness. Once upon a time I bought into that and believed since I suffered from moderate depression at times, I was doomed to have a set point of lowered happiness. Research on gratitude now suggests that people can move their set point upward to some degree, enough to have a measurable effect on both their outlook and their health. This works. My altered for the better state of mind is proof.

Emmons and McCullough said the following to their research subjects:
Cultivate a sense of gratitude’’ means that you make an effort to think about the many things in your life, both large and small, that you have to be grateful about. These might include particular supportive relationships, sacrifices or contributions that others have made for you, facts about your life such as your advantages and opportunities, or even gratitude for life itself, and the world that we live in. In all of these cases you are identifying previously unappreciated aspects of your life, for which you can be thankful.

Over a hundred and fifty years ago Ralph Waldo Emerson knew this when he wrote, the invariable mark of wisdom is to see the miraculous in the common.

A metaphor for my experience of focusing on gratitude is comparing it to exercise and physically work out. If I had spent an hour or more EVERY day for over a year and a half working out and getting exercise, I would be in the best physical condition of my life. The level of happiness I have and the belief I have in the future good that will come to me are at “body-builder” levels. Gratitude is the magic “supplement” that has made it so.

When you arise in the morning,
think of what a precious privilege
it is to be alive, to breathe, to think,
to enjoy, to love; then make that day count!
From “Life, the Truth and Being Free: by Steve Maraboli

Passage of Time

Christmas-Gifts-Christmas-Globes-Fresh-New-Hd-Wallpaper EDIT--Every year people sharing exchanges about how quickly Christmas has arrived again is a common as leaves on the ground. And there’s plenty of talk about how fast another year has evaporated. At this point in my life, it feels kind of like a year has been shortened to last four months with a each one representing a full season. Twelve months ago in early December, 2011 I posted a piece about rapidly passing time. As I continue my “stay-cation’ and general laziness within the richness of time off, I share it again.

If I had a dollar for every time I have exchanged a thought recently with someone about how fast times passes there’d be at least an extra hundred bucks in my pocket!  The shared lamenting is often about how close Christmas already is or how fast it seems to have crept up on us.  Or there is consternation about the speed 2011 has evaporated with.  This morning the passage of time popped in my head as a good subject to do a free-form journey in words to aid me getting to a point just out of reach at this moment.

Clocks are a fascination of mine which led me to take apart my parents windup alarm clock with a screwdriver when I was four years old.  I literally wanted to see “what made it tick”.  While there was no visual explanation for me to find inside the clock about its “ticking”, I did get to marvel at all those little parts which would not go back together.  Even my parents had no luck reassembling it and little ole me got into big trouble for my curiosity.

Old clocks have been an interest for years and at one point I possessed twenty-one antique seven-day mechanical wall and mantle clocks.  Once upon a time on each Saturday approximately one hour was spent winding them all each week and setting the correct time.  In my home there was quite a symphony of bells at the top of every hour.  As the days went by each week the onslaught of chiming began about five minutes before the hour until about five past as the slow runners were late to ring and the clocks running fast rang early.  It was quite a chore when the daylight savings time change came each fall and all the clocks had to be set back an hour.  Mechanical clock hands can not be moved backwards so I had to move the hands forward and let the clock chime on every hour and half hour before getting back around to the correct time.

Our awareness of time is so acute today, but it was not always so.  In a favorite book “The Discoverers”, Daniel J. Boorstin points out mechanical clocks did not even exist until late in the 14th century and fairly accurate ones did not come along until a hundred years later.  The first people known to consistently measure time were the Egyptians who divided the day into two 12-hour time periods using a sort of sun-dial.  This method of dividing each day was picked up by other civilizations and became standardized in Latin:  “ante meridiem” (A.M.”before midday”) and “post meridiem” (P.M., “after midday”).  The Egyptians along with the Greeks and Chinese also developed water clocks which were followed by hourglasses.  Candle clocks were used in Japan, England and Iraq and something called a timestick was used in India, Tibet and parts of Europe.

For century’s most people were concerned with the passage of a day and but not about the passing of an hour and certainly not of something as small as a minute.  Beginning about five hundred years ago the first widely dispersed time pieces were town or church clocks which chimed one time on the hour.  Some of the earliest were in France and we get the word “clock” from the French word “cloche” which means bell.  For several hundred years a single chime noted the passing of an hour because almost every one was illiterate and could not count.  So our awareness of time (or is it obsession?) is a more modern affliction.

Being one of those with great curiosity who asks “why” a lot I began in childhood to drive adults crazy with inquisitiveness.  Clearly in memory is asking a 5th grade teacher why our number system was based on 10 and yet we use a system of 60 to tell time (60 seconds to a minute, etc).  She got frustrated I think because she did not know the answer and shooed me away, so I looked it up.  What I found was the practice is carried over from the ancient Sumerians who used a number system based around the number 60.  Even today some scientists and mathematicians will tell you a number system based on 60 is a more “logical” way to count and measure.

So now that I have bored you with a synopsized history lesson about time, it would be easy to ask “why”.  Essentially writing this piece was a sort of meditation on the passage of time.  The most important ‘ah-ha” has been conscious awareness of time actually seems to make it pass more quickly.  When I can lose myself in something, as I did in writing this, time becomes largely irrelevant.  At such moments I am only aware of what I doing.  So that is the take-away I will gratefully head into my day with.  The more engaged in life I am, the less awareness I have about the passing of time.  Less awareness equals a feeling of having more time.  And with that thought it is time to jump head first into my day.

Clocks slay time…
time is dead as long as it is being clicked off by little wheels;
only when the clock stops does time come to life.
William Faulkner

Memory of the Heart

gratitude 20Two psychologists, Michael McCollough of Southern Methodist University in Dallas, Texas, and Robert Emmons of the University of California at Davis, wrote an article about an experiment they conducted on gratitude and its impact on well-being. The study split several hundred people into three different groups and all of the participants were asked to keep daily diaries.

The first group kept a diary of the events that occurred during the day without being told specifically to write about either good or bad things; the second group was told to record their unpleasant experiences; and the last group was instructed to make a daily list of things for which they were grateful.

The results of the study indicated that daily gratitude exercises resulted in higher reported levels of alertness, enthusiasm, determination, optimism, and energy. In addition, those in the gratitude group experienced less depression and stress, were more likely to help others, exercised more regularly, and made greater progress toward achieving personal goals. http://www.thechangeblog.com/gratitude/

Simple things I am grateful for this morning selected randomly from top of mind:
– At night in bed how good the cool side of the pillow feels when I turn it over.
– The taste of coffee from the pot at home I am most accustomed to.
– Getting to skip shaving on the weekend and on vacation.
– Reading that takes me all around the world; to the future and the past.
– How good it feels to see a good friend I have not seen in a long time.
– A favorite food prepared just like I remember it from childhood.
– Cold weather on the first chilly day of the season.
– Clouds when I notice them they are always beautiful.
– My favorite flavors of ice cream
– Getting hugs from people I care about.
– Offers of help without having to ask.
– Music, music, music. I can’t image life without it.
– Poetry that soothes my heart and brightens my imagination.
– Quiet moments at home when I can sit, meditate and hear nothing.
– Rain! It is one of my favorite things about nature.
– Showers. Few things feel so good you can talk about with just anyone.
– Indoor toilets (I was ten years old before we had one growing up).
– Fresh flowers. 98% of the time there’s a vase full in my home.
– My computer that allows me to write this.
– Laughing because it always makes me feel better.
– Air conditioning and central heat.

Begin your day by feeling grateful. Be grateful for the bed you just slept in, the roof over your head, the carpet or floor under your feet, the running water, the soap, your shower, your toothbrush, your clothes, your shoes, the refrigerator that keeps your food cold, the car that you drive, your job, your friends. Be grateful for the stores that make it so easy to buy the things you need, the restaurants, the utilities, services, and electrical appliances that make your life effortless. Be grateful for the magazines and the books that you read. Be grateful for the chair that you sit on, and the pavement that you walk on. Be grateful for the weather, the sun, the sky, the birds, the trees, the grass, the rain, and the flowers. From The Secret Daily Teachings

I am thankful to have learned about the great gift of being grateful. It has changed my life beyond my ability to explain it.

Gratitude is the memory of the heart.
Jean Baptiste Massieu

Any Fool Can Know…

truthAround eight years ago Deepak Chopra wrote “The Book of Secrets: Unlocking the Hidden Dimensions of Your Life”. I read when it was new, but upon reopening it realized most of the content had been forgotten. Research says we lose about 2/3’s of meaning of what we read within a few days. At best only about 10 percent remains long-term.

With Deepak’s book I doubt that I remembers 1% since I read it at a time of great turmoil in my life. Consequently, thumbing through my underlining in the book was an eye opener.  The moral of that realization?  Books can only reveal the broadest scope of their contents by repeated reads while in different frames of mind.

The concept of the book is described as: every life is a book of secrets, ready to be opened. The secret of perfect love is found there, along with the secrets of healing, compassion, faith, and the most elusive one of all: who we really are. We are still mysteries to ourselves, despite the proximity of these answers, and what we most long to know remains lodged deep inside.

The “second secret” in Deepak’s book contains what for me is a jewel of pure wisdom: I have no need to control anyone or anything: I can affect change by transforming the only thing that I ever had control of in the first place, which is myself.

The”fourth secret” covered in Chopra’s book is “What You Seek, You Already Are”. Here’s some of the passages I underlined:

  •   …seeking is another word for chasing after something.
  •   The spiritual secret that applies here is this: what you seek, you already are.
  •   The problem is that seeking begins with a false assumption.
  •   Seeking is doomed because it is a chase that takes you outside yourself.
  •   Don’t censor or deny what you feel: The road to freedom is not through feeling good; it is through feeling true to yourself.
  •   Be genuine …truth has the power to set aside what is false, and doing so can set us free.
  •   When I find myself being overshadowed by anything:
    * I say to myself, “This situation may be shaking me, but I am more than any situation.”
    * I take a deep breath and focus my attention on whatever my body is feeling.
    * I step back and see myself as another person would see me
    * I realize that my emotions are not reliable guides to what is permanent and real. …walk away.

Reading and learning something once is not enough. Only when the lesson and resulting knowledge sticks from practice and experience does it become meaningful. Intellectual knowledge unpracticed is actually a burden and a blinder that obscures my path and causes me to stumble while thinking “I know the way”.

Over and over and over… what I need comes into my path when I am open to receive it. It’s a repeated small miracle for how often that clarity has been shown to me recently. I get it; I ready do and accept the insight with much gratitude.

Any fool can know.
The point is to understand.
Albert Einstein

May Your Prayer of Listening Deepen Enough

A grimy and smelly swamp is some of the most fertile ground on Earth. It nurtures growth with its hidden richness. In the slim of near putrid water the strongest roots must grow, made necessary by the weakness of the ground around. Human life can be this way. That thought was stated well by Edwin Hubbell Chapin close to a hundred and fifty years ago when he wrote:

Out of suffering have emerged the strongest souls;
the most massive characters are seared with scars.

Only in middle age has it become possible for me to reap the benefits of pain, heartache, and grief. Each bit of discomfort though did little to teach me within itself. What hurt, hurt! What broke my heart, did so, without little shown to me at the time except agony.

Julio Caesar wrote “Experience is the teacher of all things” and his statement was not incorrect. It is however, incomplete. What age has taught me over time was not just to feel, but to pay closer attention to what happened. In looking closely and discerning the ‘hows and whys” of sorrow and anguish, I learned. It is “Awareness” that has become my greatest teacher; the smoother of my heart and soul while a grinder of my misplaced beliefs and thoughts.

The BEST teacher is the conscious observing and relating to daily circumstances, then responding to it out of one’s own experience, being aware that this comes out of an old programming, which happened in one’s past. So also observing these reactions, one is able to decide to follow this track or to try a new way, what might guide to a new experience and triggering new unknown reactions to be observed and so allowing to get to know oneself. With other words: Life is the best teacher – if one opens up to it!

‘Experience’ not necessarily is a teacher and for sure not the most efficient, because experience mostly serves to confirm old experiences as being part of the self-image.
The best and most efficient teacher without doubt is one’s own awareness. But to be such, one has to step beyond one’s personality, only then there is a true ‘learning’ otherwise every thing experienced only serves to confirm one’s programmed personality, to survive with one’s narrow and limited self-image and world view.

To be able to go beyond one’s personality one must be so much stuffed with experience – in a very long evolutionary process – that there is nothing left to gain more satisfaction. And after being cooked in one’s own juice long enough, what might happen through a lot of suffering like personal tragedies, loss of family, bankrupt or long incurable disease, then the personality breaks down and gives space to do the first step beyond one’s self-centered existence. BeiYien http://falconblanco.com/beiyin/index.htm

Today I can’t damn or wish to push away any good or bad thing that has happened to me. To do so would be do deny a portion of who I am. All and everything that encompasses my life has been the mill that has produced the “me” I am today. While I would not willingly choose to endure many experiences and happenings a second time, I am grateful for them, one and all. Allowing ‘self’ to truly become “grist for the mill” brings glimpses of occasional enlightenment with growing propensity as I grown my awareness. These prescious insights are great gifts I am thankful for.

Like the joy of the sea coming home to shore,
May the relief of laughter rinse through your soul.
As the wind loves to call things to dance,
May your gravity be lightened by grace.
Like the dignity of moonlight restoring the earth,
May your thoughts incline with reverence and respect.
As water takes whatever shape it is in,
So free may you be about who you become.
As silence smiles on the other side of what’s said,
May your sense of irony bring perspective.
As time remains free of all that it frames,
May your mind stay clear of all it names.
May your prayer of listening deepen enough
to hear in the depths the laughter of God.
From “To Bless the Space Between Us: A Book of Blessings”
by John O’Donohue,

Shifts Slightly in Color and Form

I  found a webpage with a five question quiz “What is the meaning of your life?”   http://www.blogthings.com/whatisthemeaningofyourlifequiz/ There are five possible conclusions one’s answers can cause. In alphabetical order they are:

1. The Meaning of Your Life is Joy
2. The Meaning of Your Life is Legacy
3. The Meaning of Your Life is Love
4. The Meaning of Your Life is Pleasure
5. The Meaning of Your Life is Understanding

It’s interesting that I picked Love or Joy as my likely score before taking the quiz only to be surprised with a ‘score’ of “The Meaning of Your Life is Pleasure“.  The short narrative accompanying the conclusion of the quiz was: You don’t have to be reminded that life is short. You’re going to live it up and have fun. You are more afraid of regretting what you didn’t do, and you try to do it all.You want to travel the world, experience passion, eat great food, and have amazing adventures. Whenever possible, you indulge. You want to sample all the world’s pleasures, even if your health and finances suffer a little.

Now that’s an eye opener. I truly have morphed and changed with age. Yes, I have become more and more open to newly found knowledge, understanding and freshly gained familiarity. My desire is strong to learn and experience new things. Never had I considered being driven to the point of being a “pleasure seeker”. It had not occurred to me to see my hopes and aspirations from such an angle and considering that perspective broadened my perception.

The “pleasure” answer caused me to push my chair away for a while before I could continue writing. I just did not like the answer I had received and proceeded to tell myself “what real information could five simple questions uncover? That’s not a true answer about me!”

After having breakfast and doing a couple of quick chores, it came to me: What the ‘meaning of my life is’ has no where the significance the ‘quality of my life’ does. Am I happy? More often than not. Do I enjoy being alive? Every day. Do I see good prospects for the future? Without a doubt. Is my health good?  Overall, very much so. Do I have friends and family who love me and I them. Yes, I am richly blessed. Am I able to support myself and reasonably do what I want to do? Affirmative.

Believing in a power beyond me also adds to the quality of my life. With little doubt it has been my discovery I am NOT an atheist as my thinking was in my youth. Atheist Jennifer Fulwiler once said, I acknowledged the truth that life was meaningless… and yet I kept acting as if my own life had meaning, as if all the hope and love and joy I’d experienced was something real, something more than a mirage produced by the chemicals in my brain… if everything that we call heroism and glory, and all the significance of all great human achievements, can be reduced to some neurons firing in the human brain, then it’s all destined to be extinguished at death.

Coming into contact with opinions like that of Fulwiler helped bring me to the solid conclusion I am firmly not an atheist. I can now see that opinion was more a fashion statement of youth than a profession of my real truth. I concluded long ago my life was more than something merely material and temporal.

On my death, when the grand cosmic mystery unfolds, it is my earnest wish that the world be a little better for me having been here. When I die if that’s it, lights out, goodbye and my beliefs were mistaken, my life will still have been better because of my delusion!

What is the meaning of my life? My memories and experiences and those I love and am loved by. That’s really it! There is gratitude for moments of rapture and joy experienced and thankfulness for my greatest teachers; difficulty and heartache. The meaning of my life is redefined ever so slightly each day For the freedom to live that way my gratitude is profound.

The purpose of life is to discover your gift.
The meaning of life is to give your gift away.
David Viscott

Like Smoke Through a Keyhole

Last night I watched the movie “The Bucket List” again with someone who had never seen it. On the big screen in 2007 the film touched me, but this time it meant even more. First time around I laughed until my ribs hurt and found tears in my eyes several times. Last night this was true to an even greater degree. Five years of life have passed in a hurry since I saw “The Bucket List’ originally. Thoughts of retiring are kicking around strong in my head. My mortality is both more real and better accepted than ever before.

There are a several pieces of dialogue from the movie I find especially meaningful. One is when Morgan Freeman’s character says “Forty-five years goes by pretty fast”. The response from Jack Nicholson is “Like smoke through a keyhole”. Never have heard a more accurate description of how life speeds by so quickly.

Watching Freeman and Nicholson acting last evening confirmed even more pointedly to me I need to let go of work while there is enough of me left to enjoy what’s on my bucket list. My thinking is moving to align more with Masanobu Fukuoka who was a Japanese farmer and philosopher. He wrote several books including “The One-Straw Revolution” where the following comes from.

I do not particularly like the word ‘work.’ Human beings are the only animals who have to work, and I think that is the most ridiculous thing in the world. Other animals make their livings by living, but people work like crazy, thinking that they have to in order to stay alive. The bigger the job, the greater the challenge, the more wonderful they think it is. It would be good to give up that way of thinking and live an easy, comfortable life with plenty of free time.

I think that the way animals live in the tropics, stepping outside in the morning and evening to see if there is something to eat, and taking a long nap in the afternoon, must be a wonderful life. For human beings, a life of such simplicity would be possible if one worked to produce directly his daily necessities. In such a life, work is not work as people generally think of it, but simply doing what needs to be done.

No longer do I have this burning need to succeed and make money. After a point success frequently leaves one empty and is often its own undoing. Succeeding leaves most with a yearning for more. Likewise with money. After one’s needs are met and a comfortable life is possible, money can be a person’s downfall. Or more accurately, the relentless pursuit of more does the harm and eventually brings disillusionment. Yearning brings only more yearning.

When I combine what life has taught me, the encouragement of friends and those who care about me along with inspiration that comes from a power beyond me the need to change direction is obvious. The future’s not clearly in focus beyond a few steps, but the joy and excitement in my heart and soul tells me I am moving in the correct direction. I am grateful for such clarity.

God gave us the gift of life;
it is up to us to give ourselves
the gift of living well.
Voltaire

Gone Fishin’

If any ask, where have you been
I’ll say gone fishin’ – not a sin
Left my writing on the shelf
Went wandering off to meet myself.

Ask some questions of my heart
Seek some answers, quite apart
I’m not so sought or even known
I cannot steal this time alone.

I’ve gone to check the stock in store
Take stock of my long stored-up lore
Sort out things I have long forgot
Throw out some things begun to rot.

Try to be wise and bring that to bear
On what and when and who and where
Bring order back to things askew
And by such order, see anew

So I open doors a long time locked
Push through hallways long time blocked
Finger ideas, look through thoughts
Shuffle maybes, mights and oughts

Linger long at problem spots
Work at angers tied in knots
Shine a light on cracks and stains
Gaze again at love’s remains

Then slept on memories piled in heaps
Dreamt restless dreams in restless sleeps
Got blackened fingers from the dust
Snorted, sneezed and even cussed

And then I set about the chore
Of making choices and — what’s more
Making wishes and pagan prayers
That I’ll remember — life’s lived in layers

So my fishing trip was all I wished
Because when I sat down and fished
I conjured up the past and more
All of my legends, fables, and lore

But my fishing nets are now set to dry
We reached concord, myself and I
In doubt I left, assured return
Restored in what I found to learn

The present stands now, raw but clean
What was hidden, now been seen
Order again is now manifest
I am at peace, my heart at rest

So I am back to writing out
Things I know a bit about
I put words down to tell my stories
Trailing fishing nets and past glories
Taken from “Gone Fishin” by ‘Wilbur’ http://www.booksie.com

I’ve not really gone fishin’ and am buried in work instead. Just reading the poem freshens my resolve to finish what I’ve started and stay on the path forward. Today that feels like a massive gift I am grateful for.

When you’re unhappy, you get to pay a lot of attention to yourself. And you get to take yourself oh so very seriously. Your truly happy people, which is to say, your people who truly like themselves, they don’t think about themselves very much. Your unhappy person resents it when you try to cheer him up, because that means he has to stop dwellin’ on himself and start payin’ attention to the universe. Unhappiness is the ultimate form of self-indulgence. Tom Robbins