Self Awareness

Blessed Are They…

/ James Browning

Codependency is a behavior pattern in which a person tends to form unhealthy relationships. People like me who have engaged in codependent behavior almost always appear to place the needs and desires of other people before their own. These other people often have unresolved emotional issues and sometimes addictions which the codependent person tries to repair, ignore or avoid. That is certainly true with me as I often picked people who needed “fixing”.

Ironically, the source of codependency isn’t about other people – it’s about the relationship with one’s self. Generally this manifests in things like insecurity, deficient self-confidence and even self-loathing. At the core of it all is a scarcity of self-love. Within that condition I spent many years feeling “less than” and that I didn’t measure up. I hid those feelings well and they were rarely noticed by anyone.

One of the tendencies of codependency is difficulty accepting gifts. When someone gives me something, that gift is far from unappreciated. Actually I am thankful beyond my ability to express gratitude. It’s a conflicted feeling of unworthiness in one sense, yet being hugely grateful at the same moment. Talk about bewildering!

Gifts received with difficulty are not just tangible items, but compliments and pats on the back as well. The latter two can be especially hard to accept with a tendency to deflect the good that has been expressed in my direction. At the least there is often some sort of discounting expressed. An example is someone saying to me “you did a great job on that project” with my reply being “no big deal” or “most anyone could have done it”. Receiving positive feedback is highly prized within me but even today I am uncomfortable receiving it. However I have learned to just say “thank you” even though I often blush a little when I do.

There is a tradition in most 12-Step groups to celebrate the annual anniversary of a when a person first got into recovery. Codependents Anonymous is no exception. A brass coin is given which is first “charged” with a few encouraging comments said by each group member one at a time while holding the coin.

The date marking the end of my fourth year was last October, but when it came up in the group to award my coin I always found some excuse to put off the award. I’d say I wanted to make sure “so and so” was at the meeting or something of the sort. Of course I always picked someone who rarely came to the meetings any more as my way of putting it off.

Why I kept dragging my feet on the simple little celebration of my anniversary was simple: Listening to good things said about me on other “recovery birthdays” embarrassed me. I LOVED HEARING THEM but reception of those “gifts of love in words” from the group members conflicted with the conditioning of codependence of not being “worthy”.

Last night almost six months after I should have been open to receiving my 4th year coin I opened up and allowed the group to present it to me. It helped that a relative newcomer to the group also received a coin earlier in the meeting. Somehow my not being the only one deflected enough of my dysfunction to allow me to open up and accept the “gifts” others spoke to me.

Such kindness and love expressed toward me last night brought fidgeting, teared up eyes and even a red face of positive embarrassment more than one. The latter coming from the simple fact that it is still hard to imagine that people like and respect me as much as they said. Yet, I know all spoke honest words from their heart. A day latter the joy still dances in me for the sincere people who said such loving things to me. The little boy who rarely if ever got such praise as a child is happily frolicking within today. I am grateful beyond words to my Wednesday Codependence Anonymous group!

Blessed are they who see beautiful things
in humble places where other people see nothing.
Camille Pissarro

I’ve Learned…

/ James Browning

Good morning! I do my best to keep original the majority of what I put here each morning. Today is an exception. Saved on my computer I came across “I’ve Learned…” which I tucked away about five years ago during some of the darkest days of my life so far. Those were times filled with doubt, depression, self loathing and grieving the ending of a marriage. The words originally by Kathy Kane Hansen then added to and adapted by Omer B. Washington speak to me strongly still. I hope they serve you well to as a reminder of many things as they really and truly are.

I’ve learned that you cannot make someone love you.
All you can do is be someone who can be loved.
The rest is up to them.
I’ve learned that no matter how much I care,
some people just don’t care back.
And it’s not the end of the world.
I’ve learned that it takes years to build up trust,
and only seconds to destroy it.

I’ve learned that it’s not what you have in your life,
but who you have in your life that counts.
I’ve learned that you can get by on charm for about fifteen minutes.
After that, you’d better know something.
I’ve learned that you shouldn’t compare yourself
to the best others can do,
but to the best you can do.

I’ve learned that it’s not what happens to people,
It’s what they do about it.
I’ve learned that no matter how thin you slice it,
there are always two sides.
I’ve learned that you should always leave loved ones with loving words.
It may be the last time you see them.
I’ve learned that you can keep going
long after you think you can’t.

I’ve learned that heroes are the people who do what has to be done
When it needs to be done
regardless of the consequences.
I’ve learned that there are people who love you dearly,
but just don’t know how to show it.
I’ve learned that sometimes when I’m angry I have the right to be angry,
but that doesn’t give me the right to be cruel.
I’ve learned that true friendship continues to grow even over the longest distance.
Same goes for true love.

I’ve learned that just because someone doesn’t love you the way you want them to
doesn’t mean they don’t love you with all they have.
I’ve learned that no matter how good a friend is,
they’re going to hurt you every once in a while
and you must forgive them for that.
I’ve learned that it isn’t always enough to be forgiven by others.
Sometimes you have to learn to forgive yourself.
I’ve learned that no matter how bad your heart is broken,
the world doesn’t stop for your grief.

I’ve learned that our background and circumstances may have influenced who we are,
but we are responsible for who we become.
I’ve learned that just because two people argue, it doesn’t mean that they don’t love each other.
And just because they don’t argue, it doesn’t mean they do.
I’ve learned that sometimes you have to put the individual
ahead of their actions.
I’ve learned that two people can look at the exact same thing
and see something totally different.

I’ve learned that no matter the consequences,
those who are honest with themselves get farther in life.
I’ve learned that your life can be changed in a matter of hours
by people who don’t even know you.
I’ve learned that even when you think you have no more to give,
when a friend cries out to you,
you will find the strength to help.

I’ve learned that writing,
as well as talking,
can ease emotional pains.
I’ve learned that the people you care most about in life
are taken from you too soon.
I’ve learned that it’s hard to determine where to draw the line between being nice
and not hurting people’s feelings and standing up for what you believe.
I’ve learned to love
and be loved.
I’ve learned…

I am grateful for the deeply emotional feeling I get when I read the words above. The thoughts have a way of penetrating to my core and reminding me the way things actualy are. The better I become at living life as it is insteadinstead of the way I fantazie it might be, the better being alive is. I am very thankful for this insight.

I don’t believe that life is supposed to make you feel good,
or make you feel miserable either.
Life is just supposed to make you feel.
Gloria Naylor

We Are All Meant to Shine

/ James Browning

For the first time since my twenties not long ago I went through a period as a renter instead of a home owner.  This was a part of the chaos created by a very difficult divorce which took a long time to work through mentally, emotionally and financially.  After over 4 years things settled to where I was able to purchase a house and I happily moved in where I live now just about this time last year.

The period of change, heartache and growth turned out to be the greatest bringer of gratitude so far in my life. If one is paying attention, lack has a tendency to bring appreciation when times of plenty arrive again. And so it is with my new home. There is much determination within not to ever lose this ‘attitude of gratitude’ within me now!

There is a saying by an unknown author that states enjoy the little things in life, for one day you may look back and realize they were the big things.  Being blessed to own my home in the past for over 25 years I had begun to take the ability to be the owner of one for granted.  In the lack, the not being able to have one, I learned a whole new way of appreciating.  A few weeks short of a year ago, soon after I moved into my new place, I began this blog:  goodmorninggratitude.com.  In 21 days I will have written here EVERY day for one full year.

What I have discovered is gratitude can be cultivated.  With a bit of focus and a little practice results can be brought about that are mind-blowing.  Studies have shown growing a sense of gratitude helps one maintain a more positive mood in daily life and contribute to greater emotional well-being. Over and over research has shown cultivating gratitude is one of the simpler routes to a greater sense of emotional well-being, higher overall life satisfaction, and a greater sense of happiness in life. I know for an absolute fact this is true.

Spiritual activist Marianne Williamson said Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented and fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There’s nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It’s not just in some of us; it’s in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we’re liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.  

That quote by Ms. Williamson causes me to read it two or three times on every occasion I come across it.  Her words are so deeply meaningful on a personal level.  At one point I printed them out and hung the page on my fridge where it stayed for two years.  There were many “down” days as I worked through the painful divorce, emotional recovery and becoming financially stable again.  For a long while so much was moving away from me it took a long time to reverse the direction so what I needed was moving in my direction.  My discovery most of all is my state of mind had all to do with what I was attracting and in what quantity.

Henry Ward Beecher described the way of being I had to arrive at before my life began to move forward.  He wrote the unthankful heart… discovers no mercies; but let the thankful heart sweep through the day and, as the magnet finds the iron, so it will find, in every hour, some heavenly blessings!

So here I am five years later after being served divorce papers in the airport as I arrived then finding I had been locked out (OK, thrown out) of the home I owned and lived in.  Read about that day here link.  I hope never to feel the panic, loss of direction and pain I experienced that day and those that followed.  In spite of it all, I will be always grateful for what the agony and strife taught me.

The photo at the top is of a huge wisteria vine that is on a large arbor over my back patio.  I learned from a neighbor the plant is almost 40 years old.  The main two trunks from the ground are almost five inches around!  For many years emotionally and mentally I was inside like the wisteria vine in winter:  alive with little to show for it.  Today I am more like the photo at the top taken a week ago of the wisteria vine in the full glory of spring-flowering.  To look at it is to get a sense of what is blooming inside me.  To have come from where I was to be where I am is nothing short of a miracle.  I am deeply thankful.

The world has enough beautiful mountains and meadows,
spectacular skies and serene lakes.
It has enough lush forests, flowered fields and sandy beaches.
It has plenty of stars
and the promise of a new sunrise and sunset every day.
What the world needs more of is people to appreciate and enjoy it.
Michael Josephson

A Cumulative Treasure

/ James Browning

There are many great thinkers and doers I was never taught about in school.  They were left for my eventual discovery at a time when I am capable of appreciating them. As a kid I would not have understood what those men and women stood for or have learned anything but surface facts anyway.

Bertrand Arthur William Russell is one of those whose wisdom and legacy I have only encountered in recent years. He was a British philosopher, mathematician and writer known for his work in broad range of subjects from education and history to philosophy and social commentary. It is the latter two for which I have become an admirer.

Noted for his many spirited anti-war and anti-nuclear protests, Russell was a prominent public figure until his death at the age of 97 in 1970. He never slowed down until the very end and lived his life about as fully as a person can. At the beginning of his autobiography is the following abundantly real prologue that within a few paragraphs tells pointedly who Bertrand Russell was and what he believed.  The second paragraph when he writes about love I find particularly meaningful.

 “What I Have Lived For” by Bertrand Russell

Three passions, simple but overwhelmingly strong, have governed my life:  the longing for love, the search for knowledge, and unbearable pity for the suffering of mankind. These passions, like great winds, have blown me hither and thither, in a wayward course, over a great ocean of anguish, reaching to the very verge of despair.

I have sought love, first, because it brings ecstasy – ecstasy so great that I would often have sacrificed all the rest of life for a few hours of this joy. I have sought it, next, because it relieves loneliness–that terrible loneliness in which one shivering consciousness looks over the rim of the world into the cold unfathomable lifeless abyss. I have sought it finally, because in the union of love I have seen, in a mystic miniature, the prefiguring vision of the heaven that saints and poets have imagined. This is what I sought, and though it might seem too good for human life, this is what–at last–I have found.

With equal passion I have sought knowledge. I have wished to understand the hearts of men. I have wished to know why the stars shine. And I have tried to apprehend the Pythagorean power by which number holds sway above the flux. A little of this, but not much, I have achieved.

Love and knowledge, so far as they were possible, led upward toward the heavens. But always pity brought me back to earth. Echoes of cries of pain reverberate in my heart. Children in famine, victims tortured by oppressors, helpless old people a burden to their sons, and the whole world of loneliness, poverty, and pain make a mockery of what human life should be. I long to alleviate this evil, but I cannot, and I too suffer.

This has been my life. I have found it worth living, and would gladly live it again if the chance were offered me.

I read Russell’s words again for the umpteenth time and am moved even more deeply than each previous reading.  They educate me at a core spiritual and emotional level beyond my ability to describe intellectually.

Whether from a century just past or millenniums ago, the richness of wisdom and knowledge others have left behind is a cumulative treasure I benefit from today. We all do if we pay attention to what has come before us. Mr. Russell died the year before I graduated high school. I believe he would be pleased of my eventual discovery of him at a time when I can appreciate what he had to say. It has been my discovery that reading what great men and women had to say is a tremendous way of gaining time-tested insight. This knowledge does not make my life any easier. Rather, it makes it more understandable and to have greater meaning to me. It is with humble gratitude I acknowledge that.

 Judge a man by his questions rather than by his answers.
Voltaire

Fairy Tales Are More Than True

/ James Browning

“Once upon a time”… a story begins signaling almost always there is happiness to be found before the tale ends. For the happy to have meaning, there must be trouble or heartache or tragedy; sometimes all three and more. Such is life.

If one turns the thoughts of the difficulty and trials of one’s life inside out, there is to be found a fairy tale in each one. Some times a life story is only a small tale, to be told infrequently to few. Others are almost bigger than reality tales told often to many. But every life creates its own legend, saga and yarn. And who writes those stories? Each one of us pens them with each day another word in the true story that has been our existence.

“Fairy tales are more than true; not because they tell us that dragons exist, but because they tell us that dragons can be beaten.” G. K. Chesterton

“When I examine myself and my methods of thought, I come to the conclusion that the gift of fantasy has meant more to me than any talent for abstract, positive thinking.” Albert Einstein

“Fairy tales were not my escape from reality as a child; rather, they were my reality — for mine was a world in which good and evil were not abstract concepts, and like fairy-tale heroines, no magic would save me unless I had the wit and heart and courage to use it widely.” Terri Windling

“Think of every fairy-tale villainess you’ve ever heard of. Think of the wicked witches, the evil queens, the mad enchantresses. Think of the alluring sirens, the hungry ogresses, the savage she-beasts. Think of them and remember that somewhere, sometime, they’ve all been real.” Jim Butcher

“Classic fairy tales do not deny the existence of heartache and sorrow, but they do deny universal defeat.” Greenhaven Press

“At all ages, if [fantasy and myth] is used well by the author and meets the right reader, it has the same power: to generalize while remaining concrete, to present in palpable form not concepts or even experiences but whole classes of experience, and to throw off irrelevancies. But at its best it can do more; it can give us experiences we have never had and thus, instead of ‘commenting on life,’ can add to it.” C. S. Lewis

“..at the center of every fairy tale lay a truth that gave the story its power.” Susan Wiggs

“There is the great lesson of ‘Beauty and the Beast,’ that a thing must be loved before it is lovable.” G. K. Chesterton

… In most instances, fantasy ultimately returns us to our own now re-enchanted world, reminding us that it is neither prosaic nor meaningless, and that how we live and what we do truly matters.” Michael Dirda

“We may say that the characters in fairytales are ‘good to think with’…[and that] the job of the fairytale is to show that Why? Questions cannot be answered except in one way: by telling the stories. The story does not contain the answer, it is the answer.” Brian Wicker

Each life creates a surprising and amazing tale to be told. No two are ever fully alike. Every one is extraordinary and amazing; some are odd and bizarre; others are remarkable only in tiny ways. Every single life is a story filled with unique wonders of being that contain remarkable and uncommon happenings.

Gratefulness fills me when I realize that troubles and pain somehow akin to mine are told in every fairy tale ever written. And like my life, every fairy tale has happy parts mixed in with heartache and tragedy. A movie lasting two hours can only contain a small portion of what is in the book it is based on that took days to read. Likewise every detail of a life can not be told even in volumes of books. My tendency of living is to get hung up on the details. If I can pay attention to what my life distills down to on a few pages like a fairy tale, the realization comes quickly that I am in fact living an incredible story.

At the essence of my days is a story of wonder and intrigue; of happiness and heartbreak; of joy and sorrow. With how each day is lived I write the story that is “mine”; one never gold before.  Seeing life cast in this light no longer allows me see my existence as anything but remarkable and as truly a fairy tale as any one ever told. I am deeply thankful for this new perspective. .

Though we travel the world over to find the beautiful,
we must carry it with us or we find it not.
Ralph Waldo Emerson

Slow Down, You Move Too Fast

/ James Browning

While there is no absolute certainty, I suspect today will be quite a bit like yesterday and not very different from tomorrow.

The sun rose as it did yesterday and will tomorrow. The birds happy for springtime will be singing tomorrow morning just like today. This new day will be unseasonably warm, just like the ‘morrow will be and yesterday was. I will go to the same job today as I did yesterday and will tomorrow. Today I awoke in the same bed as yesterday and will awaken in tomorrow. Exactly like yesterday and likely tomorrow, the same leg will go into my pants first. I will use the same soap in the shower today along with the same aftershave, deodorant, and toothpaste as yesterday and tomorrow.

Some would call such things that repetitiously happen day after day a rut.  I prefer “groove”.  Just like a turntable needle tracks a record one groove at a time, my life is tracked one day at a time. Without the groove there were be no structure for the needle to reproduce music from.  Without my groove, life would be without much form or direction.

Definition of a “rut”:  When life feels the same all the time and nothing much is changing or happening. A rut is like a channel that has been worn into the ground in the same place similar to what is created by a vehicle going over and over the same ground again and again . It becomes so worn and deep it is hard to get out once something goes in. Life is a ‘rut’ when one’s thinking places life’s repetition into a negative light.

Living in a rut:  After pushing the snooze for the 5th time reluctantly you start moving from horizontal to vertical.  Feeling sleepy there’s a wish is for another hour’s sleep as you realize you have to go to work.  Having overslept there will be no exercise today.  There is only time to shower, dress and head to work grabbing a fast food sandwich on the way, if anything. Travel to work is spent day dreaming about all the things you could be doing;  all that you wish would fill your day instead of working.   Life seems boring and truly living seems to be located somewhere else.  There is little awareness of “what is”.

Definition of a “groove”:   When life is lived within a settled routine and is mostly the same day-to-day.  A groove is like a furrow one has made from footsteps over and over on the same path repeatedly.  A usual situation or an activity that one enjoys or to which one is well suited and takes pleasure or satisfaction in or interacts harmoniously with. Life is a groove when one’s thinking places life’s day to day sameness in a positive light.

Living in a groove:  You wake up just ten before the alarm and while more sleep is appealing, getting up is just as attractive.  Waking before the alarm will allow a few minutes of stretching or exercises that always makes one feel better after.  There is casual time to check email and the news on-line, on TV or radio.  There will be time for breakfast at home.  Travel to work will include organizing thoughts for the day’s work along with hope for a coming vacation soon or retirement someday.  Life feels good and worth living.  There is gratefulness for ‘what is’.

The difference between a “rut” and a “groove”?  Ninety percent or more of the answer has to do with attitude and little to do with circumstances!

Speaking honestly, I do sway between ruts and grooves, although I am grateful to spend much more time in the latter than the former.  If I knew exactly what makes the difference I would bottle it and become a billionaire selling it to others.

What I do know for certain is “I find what I go looking for”.  If it is a rut I see my life as, that is what I will find.  If I see my life as a groove, I will likewise find myself cruising within one.  And when I am stuck in a rut and want out of it what do I do?  While it is an imperfect ‘fix”, I find ‘fake it until you make it’ to be a good practice.  A rut only gets deeper the longer I mentally allow myself to stay there.  I can get back into my ‘groove’ by adjusting my thinking.  It takes a bit of mental wrestling and I don’t always win the match, but most of the time I do.  And the more I wrangle with my thoughts, the more I get them moving in the direction of my choice.

A concept so basic and simplistic, most will only think I am expressing some sort of well intended hogwash or pie-in-the-sky wishful thinking.  I am certain those stuck in a rut will think that, while those in a groove will readily see the wisdom of the simple concept.  Grove or rut?  It’s purely up to you.

Today I am grateful to be feeling “groovy”.

Slow down, you move too fast,
You’ve got to make the morning last
Just kickin’ down the cobble-stones,
Lookin’ for fun and feelin’groovy
Life I love you, all is groovy.
From Feeling Groovy (59th St. Bridge Song) by Simon & Garfunkel

To Be Certain is Ridiculous

/ James Browning

Just before starting out the door of my home, a feeling comes that I should take an umbrella with me.  I stop and pick it up but think to myself “I won’t need this.  It’s sunny with only a 30% chance of rain.  There’s no reason to take it”.  So I lay the umbrella down, take a step away and the sense that it should go with me ripples through me again.  I think to myself “why in the world am I pulled to take this with me?”.

I have learned to pay attention to such “feelings” and believe in them.  The umbrella incident really did happen recently.  Yes, I did take it with me and sure enough a few hours later it kept me dry as I headed into the grocery store.

There is knowledge beyond wisdom and consciousness that arrives as intuition as solid and certain as fact.  No longer do I question it or wonder where such “feelings” come from.  There is no remaining quandary about whether such guidance comes from my subconscious, a “higher power” and some sense beyond those fully developed within me.  I just know the “feelings” are important and the more I pay attention to them, the more frequent their occur.

There is a Taoist story of an old farmer who had worked his crops for many years. One day his horse ran away. Upon hearing the news, his neighbors came to visit. “Such bad luck,” they said sympathetically.  “May be,” the farmer replied.

The next morning the horse returned, bringing with it three other wild horses. “How wonderful,” the neighbors exclaimed. “May be,” replied the old man.

The following day, his son tried to ride one of the untamed horses, was thrown, and broke his leg. The neighbors again came to offer their sympathy on his misfortune. “May be,” answered the farmer.

The day after, military officials came to the village to draft young men into the army. Seeing that the son’s leg was broken, they passed him by. The neighbors congratulated the farmer on how well things had turned out.  “May be,” said the farmer.

Sometimes I wish I was a wise old monk who grasps more completely the meaning and is capable of living fully the wisdom of such teachings.  My appetite for life is too broad and my will too insatiable for such quiet resolve to fill in all the space within me.  However, the ability to embrace insight and allow it to benefit me has taken strong root. No longer do I ignore a ‘feeling’ to take something along with me or that I must do something particular.  I pay attention even though I don’t understand.

Not agitating the world or by it agitated,
They stand above the sway of elation,
Competition, and fear, accepting life
Good and bad as it comes. They are pure,
Efficient, detached, ready to meet every demand.
They are dear to me who run not after the pleasant
Or away from the painful, grieve not
Over the past, lust not today,
But let things come and go as they happen.
from the Bhagavad Gita

Belief and faith do not require facts in order to be.  Truth is truth whether it can be verified or not.  The best of life such as love, passion and compassion need no proof beyond their existence to conclusively show they exist.

Confidence for what cannot be proven factually is the very essence of faith in whatever manner it manifests itself.  Accepting “what is” and paying attention to what I feel are two of the key teachings I have come to accept in recent years.  What great and wonderful life changers!  My gratefulness is weighty and solid for the knowledge and direction that comes from a source I believe in but can’t prove.  But most of all I am thankful for the faith that connects me.

To be uncertain is uncomfortable, but to be certain is ridiculous.
Chinese saying

To Risk My Significance

/ James Browning

For a long, long time I thought I lived openly…at least in the vast majority of ways.  My secrets were either ancient history or had to do with relationships with the opposite sex. Somehow I managed to compartmentalize my behaviors believing that the 85% of my life where I was open and honest (work, friends, money, associates, etc) more than made up for the 15% where I often lived dishonestly (affairs, relationships with women, etc).  Yet, for that small percentage my dishonesty hurt them 100% and contributed to self-loathing suffered for a long time.  Thankfully that sense about myself is for the most part gone now, although self forgiveness has been hard.

Feeling better has to do with changing behavior and not having secrets.  No longer is worry about being found out a near constant apprehension.  It seems crazy at this point that I lived in two marriages that were fraught with a lack of honesty yet somehow thought everything could be OK.  Pure delusion!

By choice I live an authentic life today and am able to honestly be who I am.   It was VERY difficult to throw off the old habits.  Learning my bad behavior came mostly from insecurity and issues of abandonment helped, but it took “knuckle-busting” work to grow past my old ways.  I had to face my “monsters” and fight them through some dark days and nights.  But I did it!

I will not die an unlived life.
I will not live in fear of falling or catching fire.
I choose to inhabit my days,
to allow my living to open me,
to make me less afraid, more accessible,
to loosen my heart until it become a wing, a torch, a promise.
I choose to risk my significance,
to live so that which came to me as seed goes to the next as blossom,
and what which came to be as blossom,
goes on as fruit.
Living Wide Open: Landscapes of the Mind By Dawna Markova

Life has become no less challenging, but has gotten simpler with out lies and rampant self-delusion.  Contentment and even happiness and joy are not longer strangers to me.  I only have to be one person with a singular personality and story.  No longer am I living different lives simultaneously resulting in uncertainty and confusion about exactly who I am.  As Markova’s poem above says… I have “loosened my heart” to “allow my living to open me and make me less afraid”.

Day to day life is more exciting and sometimes more unsettling than it used to be because it is lived just as it comes to me.  I embrace the good and beautiful and accept the bad and ugly with a knowing that even the best life is rounded with both.

One source of real joy that has found me has come through spending time with friends and making new ones.  I go out more than I ever have and spend less time in front of the television.  Listening to music and reading still take up a good bit of my time, but those hours are spent in a healthy way.  Never in my life can I remember going to three concerts within a few days, but last week I went to three!  Good for me.  I am no longer living an unlived life!

The goodness and balance in my days is better than ever.  I am  grateful to feel better about myself and living than ever before.

I choose to live love.
And I fully believe that life is not meant to be anything other
than the experience of passion, delight, creativity, peace, love, gratitude.
Any struggle, exertion, challenge, climb, exhaustion is self-induced…
a moment I refuse to open my heart;
instead choosing to cling to something of this earth.
Adrienne from her website Experience Life Fully

The Point Is To Live Everything

/ James Browning

In my 20’s there was this feeling that one day everything would be just the way I hoped it would be.  I grew up believing all would come if I worked hard and was a good man who did not murder, steal, lie, commit adultery or covet what someone else had.  In every single ‘rule of life’ I was not an “A+” student, but was a good, honorable and decent young man.  Disillusion came by my early 30’s wondering why my graduation into the life I thought I deserved had not unfolded for me.  Oh, to have known then what I know now!

I beg you, to have patience with everything unresolved in your heart and to try to love the questions themselves as if they were locked rooms or books written in a very foreign language. Don’t search for the answers, which could not be given to you now, because you would not be able to live them. And the point is to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps then, someday far in the future, you will gradually, without even noticing it, live your way into the answer. Rainer Maria Rilke

Rilke wrote that over a hundred years ago, but his advice is as good now as then.  For me what rings most true are his words “the point is to live everything”.  In stunning simplicity I believe he states wisdom that will help lead anyone toward a richly meaningful life.  Not only the good, joyful and pleasurable should be embraced and lived; pain, disappointment and sorrow needs be lived fully as well.

My thinking used to be that grief, distress and heartbreak were interruptions to my life; just detours on the way to the “good life” I was convinced was ahead.  In retrospect it’s clear now I was living a richly wonderful and good life in my younger years, yet had limited awareness of it then.  Like one who chews food so fast they get little satisfaction or taste I was chewing up life without fully experiencing the myriad of flavors of life.

With regularity I come across quotes by Helen Keller and am touched by them, such as Life is either a daring adventure or nothing.  She gained a deep and profound wisdom that came through “living everything” well including being deaf and blind from the time she was a toddler.  Everyone knows a few people who seem to be able to bear life’s pain with poise and grace.  They have a special way of showing the world their magic without even knowing it and illustrate well the best way to live.

Famed psychologist and philosopher Carl Jung said what we resist persists.  Within those four words he encapsulates why I encountered so many malcontented years:  I resisted ‘what was’.   Fighting unchangeable reality only created more of it.  Amazingly simple to me now!

My life experience got a lot better as I learned to open up and accept ALL of my life’s circumstances. Today I know the more I resist the longer a difficulty or discomfort continues.  When I am able to accept my circumstances there is no immediate calm and joy.  Life does not work like that.  But when I can “just be” and say yes to what is, a frame of mind comes that enables me to cope well with what challenge is upon me and “live the questions” well.

Everything will be okay in the end. if it’s not okay, it’s not the end. Unknown

Content and Worth of My Thoughts

/ James Browning

Having had a series of little things happen all in one day I found the peace of mind from a wonderful week’s vacation knocked slightly off-balance this past weekend. I lost my car keys and never found them, a candle melted on a pillow and a speaker, a folding closet door broke off its hinges, an electronic photo frame a deceased friend gave me stopped working and three other similar annoyances came at me inside six hours.  But I am OK! I used number one and number two below of my ‘twelve guidelines for peace of mind’.  Almost always when I find myself agitated, uneasy, worried or irritated it is because I am violating one of my own guidelines.

1.  The only control possible is control over myself.  I can’t change what happens to me, but I can exercise some power over my feelings about any occurrence.  Plus, only when I am in self-control can I learn any lesson that might be shown to me.

2.  Accept what is.  Every day I will face inconveniences, annoyances, accidents, aches and pains that are completely beyond my control. The power of peace comes from my enduring them cheerfully.  When I do sometimes a disadvantage becomes an advantage.

3.  Give up the need to be recognized or noticed.  Praise is only momentary.  Nurturing my sense of worth is far more important than the praise of another.  All I need to do is believe in myself, do my best to live ethically and sincerely and let go of perfection.

4. Keep the green monster of jealousy out of my life.  Being jealous blocks my peace and ties me up with animosity, longing and fear while showing only insecurity.  Jealousy or envy always brings restlessness and is a quick and easy way to show just how stupid I can be.

5. Stay out of other people’s business.  I need to mind my own business no matter how good my intentions are.  Because I think my way is the best does not mean it is for someone else!  I must let others have their “own stuff” without interfering.

6. Forgiveness is a gift I give myself.  Nurturing ill feelings is like taking poison and expecting someone else to get sick.  Resentments and grievances fester to hurt only the one who bears them:  ME!  Forget, forgive, and move on.

7. Limit intake of information.  After a point “the news” is simply mental noise. My rule of thumb is consume no more newscasts, data and information than I need. Over indulging makes peace elusive as my mind becomes like an overloaded ship that’s difficult to sail and keep on course.

8. Listen to my intuition and my heart. My heart accurately guides me toward what is right.  When I pay attention to my intuition, deepest values and principles I find them to be nearly always a more accurate navigation system than my thoughts.

9. Eliminate unessential stuff.  This is a work in progress, but I FINALLY get “less is more”.  It is easier to have a peaceful mind with less to worry about. Eliminating the non-essential allows more focus better on the essential.

10. Think about self less.  In the past the majority of time was spent thinking about my needs and problems.  The lesson learned has been that purely self-centered thoughts rarely bring peace. More than ever I try to cultivate thoughts of what I can do for others and then do them.

11. Slow down.  My life is far too much of a rush, but I realize the detriment of it.  Another work in progress.  To make the best decisions I need to slow down and step away from distractions.  Only then can my heart and intuition best guide me.

12. Less procrastination. Failing the first time does not really matter.  Mistakes usually can be rectified.  Too much time previously was wasted with “should I or shouldn’t I?” Months and even years were lost in my futile mental debating. The key is to get off my buff just do it.

My gratitude this morning?  To be past the nagging happenings of Saturday!  The quality of my life begins with the content and worth of my thoughts.

Do not confuse peace of mind with spaced-out insensitivity.
A truly peaceful mind is very sensitive, very aware.
Tenzin Gyatso, the 14th Dalai Lama