A frequent visitor to the Codependents Anonymous group I attend is a friend named Bill who often emails inspirational passages that make me stop and think.  Today he sent one that was just what I needed at the moment.  Today I am grateful for Bill sharing a piece called “The Door Is Always Open” by Jafree Ozwald.  Here is a paragraph that rang true for me:

You are free to leave this experience called suffering. You already have an out of jail pass. The golden key to opening this magical door is learning how to surrender to who you are.  This means you first let go of all your beliefs, judgments and ideas about who you think you are, and then see what is left.  You can move through any stuck, painful or imprisoned feeling that arises by dropping into a state of pure surrender.  You are either choosing the path of Ego or Surrender.  If you choose surrender, there is a deep experience within your being awaiting you.  It is only through this deep trusting state that you instantly get to see, feel and experience the Divine Being that you truly are.  

“Many of life’s circumstances are created by three basic choices: the disciplines you choose to keep, the people you choose to be with, and the laws you choose to obey.”  Charles Millhuff

Especially since the writing of this “Good Morning Gratitude” blog began, I have come to know that people at times have a different view of me than I have of myself.  That does not appear to come from others seeing some illusion I project to them.  Rather it seems to be the illusions I still at times project to myself.  However, that situation is getting better and the two ways of seeing me are becoming more parallel.  Whew!  What a relief.

When one starts consistently feeling “not good enough” as I was taught as a child the habit can become deeply engrained that by adulthood I could no longer see myself any other way.  That was a foggy path of many years spent trying to fix what was not broken or pretending to be other than I actually was.  Those were the decades of being alive, but not truly living.  I lived for others and as they wanted me to, always trying to fit in and be accepted.

No longer!  In moving to better acceptance of myself, I had to recognize I am a bit odd and generally do not fit into the mainstream.  I feel too much, express myself differently and have interests outside of a stereotype.  It feels good to have moved from consternation about that to gratefulness for my uniqueness.  Oh, some days it gets a little weird or hard to handle, but generally here in middle age I am grateful and glad to be me exactly as I am.

Back a while I mentioned a video of Dr. Brene Brown found on TED.com.  In it she makes the point that often our inability to show feelings is what keeps us from a great deal of possible happiness and contentment.  https://goodmorninggratitude.com/2011/06/01/t-e-d/

Dr. Brown’s research points to four traits of how contented people achieve their balance:
1.  They have courage.  It is in the willingness to tell their whole story, not just the one they think others desire of them.
2.  They have the compassion to be kind to themselves and to others.  It is interesting to note the order of that statement:  being kind to self comes first.
3.  They are able to have authentic connections to others having largely let go of who they thought they should be.  They are well acquainted with their true self.
4.  They embrace vulnerability.  This is willingness to say I love you first, to act without guarantees or invest in a relationship that may or may not work out.

Through noting those points I recommit to their ideals.  What began in earnest several years ago is being accelerated by throwing my self open upon the world in this blog.  I thank you for being my witness and taking a step with me in this journey by reading these thoughts today.  I am grateful for you!

It’s not what you look at that matters, it’s what you see. Henry David Thoreau

There’s a saying that goes “If you say you’ve never lied, you are a liar”.  Even if one does so for what he or she thinks is a justifiable reason, a lie is still a lie.  Everyone lies sometime. Some lie because they think they have to cover another lie.  Others lie because it is a habit. Still others lie because it has been a way of being for so long, they believe their lies.  

Definition of “lie”:  a falsehood; want of truth or accuracy; an untrue assertion or representation; error; misrepresentation; falsity; treachery; deceit; unfaithfulness.

In an article about dating in “The Scientific Fundamentalist” Staoshi Kanazawa wrote:  Both men and women lie, but they lie about different (and predictable) things.  …men tend to lie about their earnings and their height.  …women tend to lie about their age and their weight.

Men typically lie upwards and women typically lie downwards.  Men pretend that they make more money than they actually do; they pretend that they are taller than they actually are, and they pretend that they have had more sexual partners than they actually have.  In contrast, women pretend that they are younger than they actually are; they pretend that they are lighter than they actually are (weigh less), and they pretend that they have had fewer sexual partners than they actually have.

In other words, women lie and pretend to be what they used to be before in the past, whereas men lie and pretend to be what they will be in the future (or what they hope to become in an alternate universe or in their fantasy).

In admission of not being immune from telling an untruth or bending a fact I began to think sometimes I have told a “fib” rather than a lie.  With the belief the former is not as large an indiscretion as the latter; I looked up the definition of fib and found it defined as:  a relatively insignificant, small, trivial or childish lie; a minor falsehood. 

It is within the “fib” area that I am guilty even now of telling untruths here and there.  When asked how I like someone’s new hairdo that I have a first impression of as “ugly” I try to say something like “it’s very interesting” or “that’s a unique color”.  Such comments are truthful but not offensive.  If such a statement does not satisfy the person questioning and they press with “but do you like”, my response is usually “yes, it’s cool” or “it looks good on you”.  That’s a fib, the soft rating for a lie, but saves me hurting a person’s feelings.  Generally I believe this is acceptable behavior and a light shade within an area of gray. 

Digging deeper there are certainly unquestionable lies I told which ultimately only came to a bad end.  It is no surprise to anyone that once the lying begins, more lies have to be told to cover the original falsehood.  And the spiral grows.  

There is confidence within there are liars who have no conscience about their deception.  I have never been one of them.  In covering up for an affair while married and lying to my wife, each and every lie was an additional weight inside.  Each added amount of falsity tipped my internal scales further and further to the side of self-loathing. Each lie caused me to like myself less and less until I generally despised who I had become. 

To make matters worse, I cheated on both my wives.  That behavior can be explained by my mental state at the time resulting from childhood emotional scaring, etc., but in no way, shape or form can such explanation ever be justification.  A lie is a lie, no matter the motivation.  What is wrong is wrong.  

Unfaithfulness is a lie within itself; one of the most terrible forms of lying.  Further, the deceit of telling untruths to cover being unfaithful only builds the fire of treachery higher and brighter.  In time it is the liar that is usually burned in the flames of lying with the heat damaging others with its heat. 

In recent years, I have come to see old behavior so much more clearly.  Things are different now.  Today my life is lived with belief and intention in the closest harmony ever with thought and deed.  As Mark Twain said; a man is never more truthful than when he acknowledges himself a liar.  By doing that even to the point of today’s admission here I am able to have the most pride about myself I have ever known.  While the road to ‘now’ has been rocky and difficult, I am happy to be who I am today and grateful for the grace and help of others that brought me here.      

Oh what a tangled web we weave,
When first we practice to deceive!
Sir Walter Scott

 If by magic or cosmic grant you were allowed to change one thing about your past, what would it be? 

The question above came across my field of view over the weekend and I have been pondering it now for about 24 hours.  What my time of deliberating that question brought is a fairly long list I have at least some desire to have been different.  That is a bit of a shocker as I feel there is mostly peace today about life lived behind me.  Maybe it is possible to have some desire for a past with differences, yet be at peace with the way things are.  That thought feels true so I don’t believe my equilibrium within will be disturbed by making a wish list of what has danced through my head.  So away my mind went spinning considering the question. 

I began wishing things for other people like the thought that my brother would not have had a farm accident at 16 that damaged his left hand.  Then I realized that was more about ‘his’ past than mine and such reflection was not being true to the intent of the question.  I had to get more directly personal. 

As my thinking began to drift more directly to my own history, first in thought was the pain and heartache concerning my two marriages.  At first I explored the question by pondering would my one wish be to never have known one of them.  “No” came a quick answer as I could not imagine either woman not having been a part of my life.  What the resulting thoughts echoed back to me was a wish “to have been a better husband” to both of them.  

In exploring further the confines of thought about my past, I moved on to my son.  There I found the wish for living in the same household for his years of high school and not being separated when he was 16.  That premise settled into wishing simply to have “been a better father” in all respects.    

As the little storm of thought proceeded, I began to move to a broader perspective and think about all women who have been a part of my life.  At that point there were a number of instances where I wished to not have caused the amount of pain I did.  However, I could not settle on one person and situation that I would wish to change more than another one.  My conclusion about this direction of inspection of my life was a wish “to have been a better friend and lover”.  

Expanding my realm of thought about the question “what would I change about my past” I moved into my work life.  Pondering the many years in my profession I began to think of those whose lives was changed negatively by the decisions I made.  While my belief is strong I usually make good choices, I know well I am not 100%.  My wish became “to have been a wiser boss”.  

The mind is a curious contraption.  It is almost impossible to keep the brain headed into any one direction of deliberation.  The more time the question kicked around in my head, the greater the bounces varied in my thoughts.  I found myself wondering how I might have been different in a one single way that could have made me better at everything I had put on my list so far.  It was from that nugget of brain waves the consideration began about how I might have been shaped differently over all.  I settled on the wish that one or both of my parents could have been less dysfunctional so I could have been raised to have been less so myself.  

I suppose it is not uncommon to settle on what one thinks is the best answer to a question and be quite satisfied to have found a near perfect solution.  Then after further contemplation realize the resolution arrived at is flawed.  If my parents had been different, more together, mature and in control it is likely I would be so different making recognition of myself today almost impossible. 

On one hand that seems like a good idea, but on another I don’t like it at all.  When boiled down, I don’t want to be anyone but who I am.  If the bad parts of my life were cleansed away, I would be a far different person.  Certainly in some ways I’d have lived in a way that brought less pain into the world to me and others, yet without the lessons learned I could not be “me”.    All in all I like me.  Today I am happy and contented with myself (mostly anyway) and am grateful to be who I am.  I can’t imagine changing and becoming a stranger to myself.

To be nobody but yourself in a world doing its best to make you everybody else means to fight the hardest battle any human can ever fight and never stop fighting.  E. E. Commings