Self Awareness

Thirteen Wishes for Friday the 13th

/ James Browning / 3 Comments

Many shun the number thirteen but I am not one of them.  Likely rooted in my desire to be unique and different, thirteen has been one of my ‘lucky numbers’ back further than I can remember.   With tomorrow being Friday the 13th, it seems an appropriate time to cast some wishes upon the wind in similar fashion as Tibetans cast hopes with prayer flags. 

1 – “To see more of the world around me”
Within this wish I hope to notice more sunrises and sunsets and marvel at the flowers of spring, the snows of winter and the people and places around me.  Beauty shows itself more when attention is focused toward it.

2 – “To hear more”
This wishing thought is to pay more attention to the sounds of the world, especially the words spoken to me and those who speak them.  I have two ears and only one mouth for a reason.

3 – “To be less self-absorbed”
With this wish granted, I can be about myself to a lesser degree and more about everyone and everything else.  Greater happiness is not to be found by going deeper in myself, but in the opposite direction.  I want to be more ‘out there’ and less ‘in here’.

4 – “Let go of things”
With this wishing is the hope to be freer of the grasp that “things” have on me. One day everything owned will belong to someone else.   Letting go more of my need for stuff will mean a ‘lack’ from childhood can dissipate further.

5 – “Be more humble”
I wish to practice to a greater degree the knowledge that anything I accomplish fades and is only a thread of life.  Each action has little specific long-term meaning, except when combined into the fabric of life with what others contribute.  I want more “us” and less “me”

6 – “Be happier”
Writing that wish brought the thought that being happy is not something a person causes to happen, but instead a state that allows happiness to grow.  Joy of living comes from creation of an environment and state of being that is fertile soil for happiness to thrive in.

7 – “Be more kind”
My wish is to continue to become softer and more pliable in my approach to others.  Everyone is carrying a heavy burden and the more I simply keep that in mind the more kindness naturally emanated to others.

8 – “Spend less”
This wish is first about keeping gratitude forefront for the richness of my life in having much more than needed.  If I spend less, I have more to share and there is less stuff to take care of.  Having things is OK as long as the things don’t have me. 

9 – “Become more spiritual”
With past experience I know the deeper my spirituality and more regular my meditation, the better my life is.  Within my wish is the knowing that attention to my spirit has the same effect spiritually as a multi-vitamin does for the health of my body.   

10 – “To love with less reservation”
This wishing is to be less concerned about my scars of my past that have often been a barrier to keeping open heart.  There is only one best way to love: with all of one’s self without reservation.  Pain will come when it does.  Reluctance to love fully will not change that fact.

11 – “To read more”
This wish contains a simple principle:  the more I read, the more I learn.  The more I learn, the better life is.  Less TV can be nothing but good.  Reading is sustenance  to my mind just as food is to my physical self.

12 – “To have greater appreciation of me”
This wishing is to have less of an ego that needs to be fed and more of a realistic and honest view of my talents, abilities and positive attributes.  Never will I completely lack fault-finding in myself.  Seeing better the good that I am is a balancing weight for the ‘negative judge’ within. 

13 – “Follow my dreams with enthusiasm”
In words made from my keyboard today this wish has some fulfillment.  Writing has been a life long, but mostly unfulfilled dream.  I am honored, pleased… no, THRILLED with amazement that people actually care to read I write down.  Like nothing I have ever known is the reward of writing here.    

By the simple act of writing these wishes and sharing them I take a leap forward.  Too long my hopes, wishes and dreams were echoed thoughts within that did little except bounce around inside me.  With going before the world and stating some of them today my growth into the person I have committed to be is brought more into reality.  I am thankful for your help in my journey simply by reading these words.  I am grateful to you.

 If I were to wish for anything, I should not wish for wealth and power, but for the passionate sense of potential — for the eye which, ever young and ardent, sees the possible. Pleasure disappoints; possibility never.  
Soren Kierkegaard

A Shuttered Heart Flung Open

/ James Browning / 1 Comment

Dear Heart,

You were an undeveloped child when the inaccurate realization came that love cripples.  That false knowing left you emotionally lame and wounded. Life was a mistaken tutor when it taught that, but you were too immature to do anything except accept the teaching as truth. That was the very reason you began a life-long search for the very thing which brought such anguish for so long.  Like a flame seeking fire to join with your pursuit of affection has been relentless.  Dear heart, don’t stop trying.

When the strength of childhood should have been yours you were already fatigued and exhausted by love.  It is not your fault that you became a near beggar for the warmth of the love of others.  You needed only to be needed.  You wanted only to be wanted.  Dear heart, don’t ever give up.

Shattered first by this one and then by another; family, lover and friend.  This has been your path.  Like one lost in a blinding snow storm your steps have been slow and labored, but you still have found your way toward what you yearned for.  Dear heart, don’t stop moving onward.

Flawed by your own faults and damaged by the defects of others, the imperfection of love grew within you.  In childhood dreams of love were found in fairy tales and movies.  Those were the only dependable reference point you had, but the fantasy of one and make-believe of the other taught little about how one loves.  Dear heart, don’t lose that knowing.

What one does not have is impossible to give another.  As your parents were and extended family was, you became.  No matter how much you allowed yourself to travel in the direction of love, it was a destination you never arrived at because you did not even know it when it was nearby.  Like a train that missed its stop, you ran by love when it was before you only realizing the mistake too late.  Dear heart, don’t cease using what has been learned.

In your untamed need and flailing pursuit, you have hurt many people.  So self-absorbed and singled-minded with your sense of purpose, the pain caused was barely noticed by you usually.  Only later with mind turned backward could your past deeds be seen for what they were.  It was not your fault.  You did not know better then.  You do now.  Dear heart, don’t forget to forgive yourself.

Others were to blame for you being orphaned of healthy love and emotion when you were a child.  It was not your fault.  You simply knew no better.  That was a good explanation for your behavior when you knew nothing more.  Now the ‘university of life’  has given you a degree in knowledge and experience.  Dear heart, don’t forget to use that education.    

Today: you are like the heart of a young man who feels love openly and expresses it freely; a child formed into an adult.  Expressing your love to others will never be a mistake.  Dear heart, tell of your self truly

Today:  One who has known true pain and heartache knows best what joy and love feel like.  Each is but the mirror reflection of the other amplified by familiarity and practice.  It is in facing fear and continuing in spite of it that the heart triumphs.  Dear heart, be brave and give all of yourself without expectation.

Today:  Living long without being fed the emotional sustenance you needed means you have more to give than most.  Those who have suffered long at the hand of life, of others and of their own doing can understand you.  The best chance of being loved as you need to be is with those whose days adrift from love are a close parallels to yours.  People with common life experience will best “get you” and you them.  Dear heart, open yourself to those who love you.

So dear heart, do you understand that this is a love letter to you? 

I feel you pumping in my chest every minute of every day.  What feelings you bring forth for this body to know get expanded and felt in every cell of your/my/our being.  A therapist said to ‘us’ a few years ago, “I am surprised you made it”.  But dear heart, ‘we’ did make it!  ‘We’ are alive, well and able to love like few can.  The peril and hazard of the past have today become ‘our’ reward:  the ability to love deeply, fully and completely. ‘Our’ gratefulness overflows and falls in tears down the face to settle above a long shuttered heart that is flung willingly open.

The hunger for love is much more difficult
to remove than the hunger for bread.
  Mother Teresa

The Art of Imperfection

/ James Browning

In art and architecture, what looks like a mistake is often a deliberate signal meant to attract the attention of insiders to a particular aspect of the work.

  • In the Zen tradition, “wabi-sabi” objects, carefully crafted to be intentionally imperfect, impermanent, or incomplete, are considered most beautiful – their humble elegance transcending fads and fashion.
  • In music, notes that deviate from an established pattern are often used to create emotional tension.  Beethoven was fond of this technique.  In the Third Symphony’s “Funeral March”, for example, he replaced sounds with silences to express the mounting sense of sorrow in the piece.

I imagine a different world, one in which people do not spend an inordinate amount of energy fuming against their fate each time they made a mistake.  A world in which one takes for granted that if things go wrong, they probably will.

It would be so civilized.  Folks would bump into furniture, miss deadlines, get lost on the way to the airport, forget to return phone calls, and show up at parties a day early, without getting unduly annoyed with themselves.

You and I would not be personally insulted when we dropped the sugar bowl on the floor, back the car into the mailbox, burned the dinner while on the phone or failed to meet our quarterly projections. 

We are convinced that getting it right is a matter of survival. Surrounded as we are by machines, we feel that we must perform flawlessly to stay ahead of the game.  An industrial-age mentality keeps us all on the steep and narrow path of productivity. 

Unfortunately, thinking that being right will save us from being wrong is a misapprehension.  While, in the last decade, we have labored to be as accurate as our machines, these same machines have been redesigned to be as impulsive as we are.  Today, some of the most advanced electronic devices, from satellites to pacemakers, are engineered to be partly inconsistent, in accordance with the dramatic finds of “chaos scientists.”

Today, in various fiends, from space exploration to stock market predictions, computers are programmed to be quirky on purpose… A case in point is an energy-efficient Japanese dishwasher, designed to be “chaotic.” That gets china, glass, and silverware cleaner by using two rotating arms that spin erratically.

In our day and age, the irrational is on the cutting edge. More and more, you are likely to run into people who will explain to you that… progress is knowing less and less about more and more. 

What a bummer?  Not at all.  Letting of basic assumptions is as exciting as looking at earth from space.  You feel something like a delicious vertigo, a sense of weightlessness.

Next time you break a plate or lose your keys, or jump to false conclusions, why not take it in stride?  Consider the possibility that there is a hidden pattern behind your random acts of blunderism.

Until this paragraph, words here today are those of another sharedbecause the thoughts are better than any original ones I have this morning.  It is rare to open up a book that grabs my attention so quickly and completely as “The Art of Imperfection” did.  It is even rarer for me to include so much of another writer’s material as I have today.  The borrowed words that fill this blog come directly from the first chapter of the book because I was moved to share what touched me so deeply.   With these thoughts once again I am reminded imperfections are perfect as they are.  They make me who I am; no less; no more.  I am grateful for my “perfectly imperfect” self.  

Kudos go to Veronique Vienne for her meaningful words
and Erica Lennard for her remarkable photography that fill their little,
but very meaningful book titled “The Art of Imperfection”.  

It is as hard to see one’s self
as to look backward without turning around. 
Henry David Thoreau

Not Everyone is Meant to Stay

/ James Browning / 4 Comments

Sometimes you have to give up on people. Everyone that is in your journey is meant to be in your journey, but not everyone is meant to stay there. 
Anonymous

Deep down inside me is a strong wish to have grasped the meaning of that statement long before understanding came.  Previously my long-term theory of living was simply if I love someone, somehow, someway it was going to work out.  Otherwise, why would love have found me if not for an intention of becoming something lasting?  

Such a view was one of a child carried into adult hood; a child not loved enough hidden inside an adult who grabbed at any scrap of affection that came his way.  The need to be adored was irresistible.  It did not matter that what I perceived was not genuine or what another expressed to me was feigned, disposable or temporary.  So eager for love, my heart openly accepted what it identified as affection from whatever source it came.  So hungry to be noticed and appreciated, I became involved with almost any woman who showed interest in me.  

With time I came to know that frequently people love what is not good for them.  An alcoholic loves a drink.  A drug addict loves a fix.  A gambler loves risking every dime.  An adrenaline junky loves the rush of risking life.  And so on it goes when there is emptiness on the inside that one tries to fill from outside the self.  With women I either loved ones too much who were not good for me or else did not love enough those who were.    

In more youthful years I claimed to date ‘crazy bitches’ because they were more fascinating and exciting.  In more mature years now, the realization is clear that ‘like attracts like’.  It was only because I was ‘just as crazy’ that my attraction was so strong to such women.  More thrills and spills than a roller coaster ride , but like any amusement, such extreme relationships eventually got old.  They exhausted me.  

There is this notion within those similar to me who have spent much of their lives feeling “less than” that if we can save another person they will in turn save us. Rarely does it work because such a scenario is an attempt to get esteem from outside one’s self instead of nurturing it internally.  A person then becomes a sort of emotional vampire, always on the hurt to ‘feed” on another’s feelings but sated each time only for a while.  One can only save them self from the inside out and no one else can do the work.  No amount of basking in another’s emotions made me better.  No amount of trying to be a ‘savior of women’ actually saved anyone.  In reality the attempts usually caused me (and those I was involved with) to be worse off emotionally than before we knew each other. 

Once upon a time nothing pleased me for long.  Whatever I achieved seemed hollow quickly.  Whoever I was involved with in time felt too imperfect.  Never was there contentment for long with what was in front of me.  I always either wanted more or continually asked myself if there was more.  More money, more sleep, more success, more sex, more time, more attention, more love.  Enough was never enough. 

My insecurities caused me to attempt to collect love by alway trying to hold on in some way to every woman I was ever involved with.  Whether maintaining some occasional contact, keeping mementos and photos stashed away in a box or keeping thoughts of them alive, I held on.  There was no questioning if this was healthy.  Constantly my ego yelled “you’re not good enough” through a screaming bullhorn in my brain.  The only way to quiet the noise even temporarily was to allow myself to be filled with the thrills of someone new.  

To actually see my own life clearly and become grateful for all that led me to this here and now took aligning myself with some measure of peace and truth. To learn to look at my present circumstances through gentle, kind and loving eyes required years to learn.  Even longer was needed to realize I was living a wonderful destiny that was uniquely mine.  

Peace is loving what is…what exists now in this moment here.  In her book “Loving What Is” Byron Katie wrote the only time we suffer is when we believe a thought that argues with what is. When the mind is perfectly clear, what is, is what we want. If you want reality to be different than it is, you might as well try to teach a cat to bark. You can try and try, and in the end the cat will look up at you and say, “Meow.” Wanting reality to be different than it is, is hopeless. 

So here I am in late middle age with all my flaws, scars, and blemishes but wiser and happier than I have ever been. Getting here took establishing good boundaries for myself and others.  I had to let go of a lot of things and people:  my Mother, two ex-wives, several friends, a handful of ex-lovers and girlfriends, a comfy long-term job, the big house, over half my savings and more.  Only through the letting go was therespace in my life for what I truly needed.  My gratefulness to be in this here and now is beyond my command of written language to express fully.  So I will just say “thank you” with sincere thankfulness. 

No one can give you freedom but you.
Byron Katie

I’ve Learned…

/ James Browning

I’ve learned I can do something that only takes a moment that will give me heartache for years.

I’ve learned being the person I want to be is not automatic and is a lot of work.

I’ve learned to try always part from those I care about with loving words.  It may be the last time I see them.

I’ve learned that I can keep going long after I don’t think I can.

I’ve learned that I am responsible for whatever I do and must bear the consequences.

I’ve learned that either I control my attitude and thoughts or they control me.

I’ve learned that the heroes I look up to most are people who live ordinary, everyday lives very well.

I’ve learned that money is a lousy way of keeping score and it will not make me happy.

I’ve learned that just because a person is a family member does not mean I have to allow them in my life.    

I’ve learned that one of the great gifts in life is having a best friend.

I’ve learned that people will surprise me.  Sometimes the ones I thought would help during a bad time don’t and the ones I thought would kick me when I was down will help me.

I’ve learned that is OK to be angry when I feel anger, but that does not give me the right to be mean or cruel.

I’ve learned that true friendship can continue to grow, even over long distance, with just a little care and attention.  Same is true for love.

I’ve learned that someone can love me even though they don’t want to be with me.

I’ve learned that I can love someone even when I don’t want to be with them.

I’ve learned that maturity is mostly about learning from life experiences and has little to do with the number of birthdays I have had.

I’ve learned the hardest person to be forgiven by is my self.

I’ve learned that no matter how much pain I am in or how deeply my grief may be, the world does not stop for me.

I’ve learned that my childhood may influence who I am, but I am responsible for who I allow myself to be.

I’ve learned that I can’t directly change other people, no matter how much I try or want to.  All I can do is be a good example and hope they might want to follow.

I’ve learned that telling someone’s secret to another in confidence is not keeping the first person’s secret.  

I learned that I can see something that other people see and see it totally differently.

I’ve learned that my life can be changed for the better or worse in a matter of moments.

I’ve learned that I can not make someone love me.  

I’ve learned that trust that took years to build can be destroyed in seconds.

I’ve learned that comparing my self too much to others is a good way to forget who I am.

I’ve learned it is not what happens to me that is most important.  It’s what I do with it that matters.

I’ve learned that forgiving others is more for me than them.

I’ve learned that money is a lousy way of keeping score.

I have learned in a divorce friends choose sides.

I’ve learned smart people do stupid things but that does not make them stupid.

I’ve have learned that falling in love is easy and staying in love is hard.

I’ve learned that there are few things more important than being honest with myself.

Above adapted, amended and interpreted from several lists
found on the Internet along with my own additions.

For all that has happened in my life, good or bad, I am grateful for each honed and shaped me into the man I am today.  I like who I am.  I am happy and glad to be alive.  I am very grateful! 

 “Move On” – Author Unknown

The past is the past for a reason
That is where it is supposed to stay
But some cannot let it go
In their head it eats away

Until all their focus becomes
The person that they used to be
The mistakes they made in their life
Oh if only they could see

That you cannot change what happened
No matter how hard you try
No matter how much you think about it
No matter how much you cry

What happens in your lifetime
Happens for reasons unknown
So you have to let the cards unfold
Let your story be shown

Don’t get wrapped up in the negative
Be happy with what you have been given
Live for today not tomorrow
Get up, get out and start living

Cos the past is the past for a reason
It’s been and now it is gone
So stop trying to think of ways to fix it
It’s done, it’s unchangeable, move on.

Nothing but a Mirror

/ James Browning

All men should strive
to learn before they die
what they are running from, and to, and why.
James Thurber

“Good morning.  I’m James and I’m a codependent.” is how one begins a turn of sharing at a Codependents Anonymous meeting.  Twice a week for going on five years I have gathered with others in a small group of 6-10 people.  It is there I have found comfort, growth and safety to learn to be the “me” I really am.

The term “Codependence” is so misunderstood and often ill-defined.  It frequently ends up with a meaning to many that is not even close to its clinical definition.  To boil it down as far as I can in my own words, codependence is a loss of one’s self to where there is no clear sense of identity or positive self-esteem.  A codependent then defines them self largely by what is outside them through either being overly controlling or overly compliant.  Inside they feel at least partly empty and fear letting people see who they really are, what they feel and what they think.

Most of the time it is hard to spot a codependent as we become so good at projecting what we think others want to see.  Usually such people are successful in their working life as the controlling variety of codependents frequently make good managers.  The compliant variety make great employees.  It is in personal relationships where these natures cause problems.  Since what others see is only a projection, true emotionally intimacy is essentially impossible with one with moderate to high codependency.

Codependence often involves placing a lower priority on one’s own needs, while being excessively preoccupied with the needs of others.  Codependency may also be characterized by denial, low self-esteem, excessive compliance, or control patterns.  In a general sense being a Codependent means making things outside yourself far more important than you are to yourself.

Here’s a paragraph I found on-line that describes well the feeling of codependence:  So there’s a shell there, on the outside, and people look at the shell, and they talk to it and they act like it’s really you, but you know it isn’t. It’s just a mask. A cover. A defense mechanism carefully tweaked over years and decades, with razor-sharp antennae out, reading the signals, ready to react, ready to duck for cover, ready to be whatever it is that they want me to be today.

Everyone has some codependence in them, but for those of us in recovery that is excessively true.  If you are curious to know if you suffer from being a codependent, take the quiz at this link: CoDA Quiz Link  I will warn you though, one of the surest signs a person is codependent is to score as one and then deny that’s true.
The original poem is titles: “The Perfect Friend” By author Shannen Wrass.

The Perfect Friend
(By Shannen Wrass)

Today I found a friend
Who knew everything I felt
She knew my weakness
And the problems I have dealt.
She understood my wonders
And listened to my dreams,
She listened to how I felt about life and love
And knew what it all means.
Not once did she interrupt me
Or tell me I was wrong
She understood what I was going through
And promised she’d stay long.
I reached out to this friend,
To show her that I care
To pull her close and let her know
How much I need her there.
I went to hold her hand
To pull her a bit nearer
And I realized this perfect friend I found
Was nothing but a mirror.

Now days I live a mostly happy life and no longer need to show the world someone else other than who I am, at least most of the time with most people.  I am grateful beyond words to my therapist, The Meadows and all those I have attended a CoDA meeting with.  Without you all I simply don’t know where I would be today.

National Codependence Anonymous Organization link:  http://www.coda.org/

Another link that may be helpful:  http://www.mnwelldir.org/docs/mental_health/codependency.htm

The Lies I Tell Myself

/ James Browning / 5 Comments

Once in a while in hindsight I marvel at succeeding at so much while lacking belief in myself.  For so long an inability to give credit for my abilities and what I was capable of achieving robbed me of feeling positive about anything accomplished.  Nothing was ever good enough.  Everything could have been better.  “That did not measure up” or “there I fell short” was the manner my “internal judge” barked incessantly at me. 

Not only did I find myself falling short in just about every way, that viewpoint was also used for those in my life.  Lovers and partners seemed always to be too imperfect, friends fell short, and even family did not measure up.  The problem had nothing to do with them and all to do with me and how I viewed the world.  If “rose-colored glasses” enhance what is seen and gives a view of reality better than what exists, then I wore “gray-colored glasses” that robbed life of color and depth making my perspective far worse than what was true and real.

Our culture is overly performance based.  The desire to do things perfectly, if not inbred, is certainly brainwashed into us. Easily I slipped from a difficult childhood into being an overachiever professionally.  For a couple of decades my work was who I was.   Without my professional life there was little to me.  Yet no matter what I achieved, nothing was ever good enough and my dissatisfaction with life continued, grew and accumulated.

Growing up feeling ‘not good enough’ created a powerful limiting mechanism in my life:  the “voice of an internal judge” that reigned supreme in my consciousness.  While others helped me create it, the voice of the bully inside was/is all mine.  I fed it daily.  The thoughts articulated silently, but so strongly were those of an internal critic that ran rampant for years while I barely noticed. The ego, even a damaged one such as mine, is very, very clever at disguising things and transposing meaning for preservation of its viewpoint.  In other words, my ego is a liar!

It does not matter the internal judge was often completely wrong. Somewhere along the way I became accustomed to believing EVERYTHING my internal critic said.  Eventually my life became so hollow questions began that always started with “why”.  In time, I became highly dissatisfied with being so unsatisfied all the time.   

Years of questioning eventually lead me to seek help with my issues rooted in a long ago childhood.  It was then that I discovered “him”, that booming voice of self-judgment and self-criticism that roared louder than any word ever spoken to me by anyone else.  I was shocked and surprised not only by the discovery, but alarmed by the power the judge had over me.  

Part of what I discovered was this voice was constantly resetting the bar for my performance at the best I had ever achieved or higher (usually the latter).  No matter how well something was done, the bar got moved up so I continued to be “never good enough”.  Even with extraordinary achievements the voice told me I had somehow failed, did not measure up and never would on a consistent basis.  The best I could ever see in me then was mediocrity.  Criticism from others, whether accurate or not, was inflated by my inner critic… ALWAYS.   From the vantage point of today that all seems so crazy!

When the voice was “king” of my days and I was worn down, it took me down further. The critic still can in moments I feel overwhelmed or vulnerable – until I expose it as the small thing with little actual power.  Like a mouse can cast a giant shadow when seen from a particular angle, my “judge” can cast a huge shadow that when seen from a proper angle shows itself to be something actually small only seeming big.  What a life changing discovery that was.  In coming to the reality that a lot of what I was thinking was utter BS, I began to get healthier mentally.  

What are the signs today that the “voice” is talking and I am listening?  Sadness, unhappiness, melancholy, anger, listlessness, lack of motivation, feeling unloved and related emotions that manifest for very long and don’t get better. When ever I find myself stuck in such a way, I know the critic is lecturing again but I am not tuned in to notice it.    Once I spot it for what it is, I almost always win the battle and the voice retreats “with its tail between its legs”.  Sometimes the battles are waged for hours or even days and I get beat up in the fight.  That’s no problem because fighting is how my freedom was won in the first place from the bullying “voice” that misguided my life for so long. 

My gratitude is large to know the “judge and critic” for what it is and to realize I will win a battle with it the vast majority of the time.  All I have to do is dispute the lies I tell myself.

We tell lies when we are afraid… afraid of what we don’t know, afraid of what others will think, afraid of what will be found out about us.  But every time we tell a lie, the thing that we fear grows stronger.  Tad Williams

Ten Things I CAN Do

/ James Browning / 4 Comments

Twenty hours ago a New Year was born: 2012.  I am grateful for the restart a new set of twelve months allows me.   Resolutions made at a year’s start have never been something I succeeded well at.  It has occurred to me that was likely because I chose the wrong things.  Instead of choosing what I want to do, my choice became what I thought I should do.  Without fail, when my “Want” does battle with my “Should”, what I truly want wins out in the long run.     

What could be on my “should-do” list this year?   Lose weight gained when I quit smoking.  Exercise every morning.  Get at least eight hours of sleep every night. ……Blah blah blah yadda yadda yadda.  Bore-ring!

If I make a choice to losing a particular amount of weight by a certain date, exercising every day or getting a specific amount of sleep each night, all it takes is one little slip-up and I have failed.  That’s what has happened too often in the past.  Goals were too narrow and with a failure or two the goal is abandoned.

This year I am making it simpler in a manner that adds some “elbow room” by making my self-made goals less specific.  Examples are “loss some weight”, exercise more often, eat more healthfully and increase how much I sleep.  These are things I know I can improve.   

To all of you die-hard goal setter’s who feel goals must be always be qualified and quantified; foey on you. Such thinking does not work particularily well in my personal life. 

I know the world of business is different.  One way or another, professional endeavors usually entail a certain amount of something by a certain date.  Expectations not delivered are met with reactions ranging from disapproval to termination.   I have lived my business life with goals, goals, goals… and succeeded.  

I have yet to successfully manage my personal life as do my professional life.  On my own time it’s the pride of accomplishing broad goals, a little at a time that pushes me forward.  Through a thousands small acts my life is made better in a collectively big way.  That’s probably why I have been attracted to hobbies that demand proficiency, yet can never be mastered (flying, photography, etc).  It is the doing my best consistently that makes me better at whatever I apply my heart and mind to.     

In 2012 I will lose weight, exercise more, eat better and sleep more.  However, my strategy to accomplish those things is indirect.  Improvement will come as a by-product of being more of the person I want to be.  In thinking about what I could do that would make me more true to myself, it didn’t take long to come up with the list below of “Ten Things I CAN Do”.   

  1. Love people more.
  2. Spend more time outside.
  3. Eat slower and chew more.
  4. Make photographs.
  5. Read more, watch TV less.
  6. Call friends more, send less email.
  7. Be more positive.
  8. Talk to old people more.
  9. Laugh more.
  10. Worry less.

I don’t have to be a rocket scientist to see that being outside more and making more photographs with my old fashioned view-camera will cause me to get more exercise.  Eating slower and chewing more will, without a doubt, cause me to lose weight. Sleeping more will be easier with less worry, being more positive and laughing more.   The remaining four items on my “Ten Things I CAN Do” list bring their own rewards echoing back from the doing of them (love people, call friends more/less emails, talk to old people, read more/watch less TV).

Just thirty-eight words split into an easy to read to-do list; one that I can put on my bathroom mirror and see each morning.  A simple list of ten things I can scan every day and set myself into the world to do them the best I can.  No doubt I will fail in some ways on a daily basis.  Yet, within every week the majority of list will get done.  And through the doing, my life will improve. 

What will “living a good life” get me?  A good life! 

When we have practiced good actions awhile they become easy;
When they are easy we take pleasure in them;
When they please us we do them frequently;
And then, by frequency of act they grow into habit.
Tilloyson

“When we have practiced good actions….” was the focus of a blog on October 25, 2011 https://goodmorninggratitude.com/2011/10/25/when-we-have-practiced-good-actions/

Highest Form of Thought

/ James Browning

After being in Colorado for a good part of the week, this morning the drive home begins. I’ve had a great holiday visit with my son and am grateful he is healthy and well.   The twelve hours home will be a good time to “count my blessings”, which are many. 

From “I’m Grateful For” by a Writer Unknown 

For the alarm that goes off in the early morning hours–
because it means I am alive.

For the taxes that I pay–
Because it means I am employed.

For the mess to clean after a party–
Because it means that I have been surrounded by friends.

For the clothes that fit a little too snug–
Because it means I have enough to eat.

For my shadow that watches me work–
Because it means I am out in the sunshine.

For a lawn that needs mowing, windows that need cleaning, and gutters that need fixing–
Because it means I have a home.

For all the complaining I hear about the government–
Because it means we have freedom of speech.

For the parking spot I find at the far end of the parking lot–
Because it means I am capable of walking and that I have been blessed with transportation.

For my huge heating bill–
Because it means I am warm.

For the lady behind me in church who sings off key–
Because it means I can hear.

For the pile of laundry and ironing–
Because it means I have clothes to wear.

For weariness and aching muscles at the end of the day–
Because it means I have been capable of working hard.

I would maintain that thanks are the highest form of thought; and that gratitude is happiness doubled by wonder.  G.K. Chesterton

Future’s So Bright…

/ James Browning / 1 Comment

A time of personal evolution began for me fourteen years ago and the catalyst was a promotion/job transfer.  Left behind was a comfortable position of eleven years and a city known well after eighteen years of living there.  Familiar surroundings and old-friends quickly became something a thousand miles away from where I relocated.  While a son finished out a school year that just began, I lived by myself for eight months in the new city with visits back to my family around every 4 weeks.  Here began real awareness that something was definitely wrong in my life; with me.

The first reaction was to point attention to my childhood, other people and circumstances to explain some of my behavior.  “It was their fault!”  Then came separation, divorce, my son 750 miles away, a new relationship, therapy, a hiatus from affairs, a 2nd marriage, an affair that ended that marriage, five weeks in treatment for depression and compulsions, more therapy, four years spent avoiding love relationships and finally becoming accustomed to being by myself.  A good bit of the cure was overcoming loneliness and learning to be comfortable in my own company, a process that I thought at times was going to kill me.

Frequently I am asked what the “secret” was that allowed me to evolve, grow and change to be the person I am today.  My response is “there’s no secret”.  Trust me, I wish there was a shortcut because I would have taken it long ago.  Getting from there to here focused primarily on four things: 

1) Motivation, 2) Doing the work, 3) Support from others 4) Stop worrying about the future. 

Motivation:  For a day, week or even a full month here and there I thought was stimulated enough to make changes in my life and behavior.  Given time old habits came back.  Only when EVERY DAY I felt change HAD to happen did my behavior evolve positively in lasting ways. 

Do the Work:  Thinking about living life differently is not enough.  Growth takes hard and consistent work; lots of it!  It took reading (tons) about what ailed me to gain understanding.  I had to go to therapy and realize I got as much out of it as I put in. Working a twelve program was very hard, but yielded lasting results.  I had to make amends with those I had wronged, most of all myself.   had to bust my butt and even today that is the recipe for continuing to move forward.

Support of others:  There is no way I could have accomplished my personal growth and recovery without the help of others.  My therapist was a huge help.  The support of a handful of close friends even when they did not understand made a big difference. The support of peers during rehab helped a lot as did assistance an ex-wife gave me then.  Attending help-group meetings at least once a week has been an important part of my work to grow.  Without the support of others, I would not have made it.      

Stop worrying about the future: It was necessary to stop being concerned about the future and instead just take life one day at a time.  The attitude I had to adopt was to just get through the present day.  Sometimes I could stay focused only on the current hour or even the present minute. My behavior always happened in the “now” and could only be addressed in the “now”.  

I had to learn how to feel happiness and allow myself to know joy.  A good explanation comes From a book I read titled “Change Your Mind and Your Life Will Follow: 12 Simple Principles” by Karen Casey:  Joy is always available to us, moment by moment. But we must keep our minds open and pay attention. A closed mind or a mind filled with fear or judgment will never know joy.  More here:  http://www.dailyom.com/library/000/000/000000583.html

Learning the power of my thinking and coming to know my thoughts intimately, even the bad ones, was another key to getting better.  I could not truly embrace the good if I did not know those thoughts well.  Nor could the “stinking thinking” be changed unless I knew that thinking well.  From the Wisdom of the Mystic Masters by Joseph J. Weed comes:  Each thought at its inception produces an effect.  There is a vibratory wave, a radiation from the center, not unlike the radiation of a radio wave from a broadcasting tower.  The wave moves outward equally in all directions with gradually diminishing intensity, which varies with distance.  It continues to emanate from the mind of the thinker as long as the thought is held but it ceases instantly the thinking changes or stops.

Sitting here finishing this blog today, I am so happy to be where my efforts have taken me.  Getting here has been damn difficult, but worth every discomfort.  I am grateful to my Higher Power, all those who aided my journey to now and those who will help me stay on my path in the future.

The Future’s So Bright,
I Gotta Wear Shades”
Lyric from a Timbuk3 song