Self Awareness

When Did I Become an Adult?

/ James Browning

 I certainly have the responsibilities of an adult BUT “when did I become one”?

There was no one hanging around graduation who came up and handed me a small box saying “here’s all the secret knowledge about living that will need now that you have become an adult”.  There were no classes offered to teach me how to be a grown-up.  No invitations to join the institution of adulthood ever came.  No opportunity to have the covert rules and rituals revealed was offered.  There was never a form to fill out so I could enlist to be an adult.

I recall being little and wanting to be bigger.  My memory is clear of being in elementary school wanting to be in high school.  Becoming sixteen wishing I was twenty-one has not been forgotten.  All I know is somewhere between then and now apparently I became an adult… well, sort of… mostly.  What I do know is there’s no test, sudden blinding light of wisdom or tangible event that signified my transition.

Here’s some perspective on “when a person becomes an adult” from teenagers on stayteen.org:  link

  • I will know that I am an adult when I can live on my own, when I am fully capable of surviving independently. I will no longer depend on shelter, food, transportation, and money from my parents.
  • I’ll really know that I’m an adult when I find my passion in life. As you get older you start to see what you are really interested on. Once you hit high school and you have a career that really calls your attention, that’s when I think you are mature because you have a future plan ahead of you, you are thinking college, and you know that you are doing the right decision.
  • I have no idea how I’ll know I’m really an adult. I asked my friends around me when they all thought they would feel like a grown up and they all said “I don’t think you can ever stop growing,” “You may get old but you never stop growing spiritually, emotionally, and mentally.”
  • For the most part I believe there are no adults…that everyone is not always responsible or mature.
  • I think someone is truly an adult when they can make a mistake, take credit for it and work to fix the mistake you made.

There’s some truth in what the teens said, but they are expressing a viewpoint about what they have no knowledge of, so I moved on to facts and figures.  Stats from Larry Nelson of Brigham Young University published in USA Today show  parents and students 18 to 25 years old don’t always agree on what it takes to be considered a grown-up.

Driving a car safely and close to the speed limit
• Students: 49%
• Dads: 75%
• Moms: 81%

Avoid becoming drunk
• Students: 43%
• Dads: 60%
• Moms: 70%

Settled into long-term career
• Students: 53%
• Dads: 31%
• Moms: 39%

Becoming financially independent from parents
• Students: 93%
• Dads: 76%
• Moms: 82%

So the mystery remains.  An answer is an enigma.  I really don’t know when I became “mostly” an adult.  Please note the term “mostly”, because moving completely past youth has proved to be impossible.  I know, I tried.  And now I am grateful for not succeeding.

For the spark of a child that resides within and for the fragment of a teenager that remains, I am grateful.  Those remnants help me to see I did not become something else when I moved (mostly) out of childhood and became  an adult.  Rather I just became more of what I already was.

Everyone else my age is an adult, whereas I am merely in disguise.
Margaret Atwood

Being Aware that Fire Can Burn

/ James Browning

Driving down the freeway the other day I noticed a big store I planned to visit on the weekend, but then was conscious of nothing else for another five miles.  A short while later slowing down to make my exit I wondered who was driving the car the last five minutes!

Never has such an experience come up in conversation that another does not relate similar experiences.  In something of a self-hypnotized state we humans apparently are able to function normally while mentally being somewhere else.  I have come to realize this practice can easily become a wide-spread habit that obscures a lot more than a few minutes.  When living today becomes routine and life is imagined to only be in the future, the danger of losing one’s self has begun.  Very well this is known to me from experience!

My father says that almost the whole world is asleep. Everybody you know. Everybody you see. Everybody you talk to. He says that only a few people are awake and they live in a state of constant total amazement.  From “Joe Versus the Volcano”.

During my 20’s and early 30’s I was in career building mode and the struggles to get ahead kept me keenly aware of what was going on around me.  Drifting off and living unconsciously happened to a much less degree then.  As success came and the comfort of plenty found me I slipped more and more into unconscious living.  Life to me then was all about what I was going to do when I retired early and indulged in what I was dreaming of doing.  But, as John Lennon wrote “Life is what happens while you are making other plans”.  I became a “Sleepwalker”.

On her blog “Personal Excellence” link Celestine Chua describes Sleepwalkers:  These are people who live through their lives in an unconscious state.  Being conscious isn’t about being physically awake – Many people around us are physically awake, yet living unconsciously. They are not fully aware of who they are, the larger context of life they are a part of and their real purpose in life.   

Sleepwalking as Ms Chua describes it helps to at least partially explain why my 40’s and about half of my 50’s are a blur.  The only direction was being headed toward something, but what I did not know. I dreamed instead of planning and could not envision what was ahead was to crash emotionally under the weight of all I tried so hard to out run.  I fantasized instead doing the work in the present and in time that caught up with me.  All I knew was the life I wanted was not in my possession and felt it was to be found in the future.  Of course, that is delusion.  Life is always happening NOW.  In whatever guise and shape, what is “now” is the ONLY place “life” happens.

One of the symptoms of being a “Sleepwalker” Celestine Chua notes in her article is something I was very guilty of once upon a time:  Find no time to do things you want to do.  She explains Sleepwalkers are often busy all the time – they frequently complain about having a lack of time, not being able to do things they want, etc. But they do not realize they are the ones who put themselves in that position in the first place. When questioned by other people, they cannot exactly put a finger to where all the time and energy went into. Sleepwalkers are always waiting for a proverbial ‘next time’ for their goals, dreams and desires in life, but they do not realize that the ‘next time’ never comes. By the time they do, a long time has already passed, and now they switch to thinking that it’s now ‘too late’ to work on their goals. 

Realizing I was just beginning to slip into some old patterns of thinking, I found the article on the “Personal Excellence” website to be a welcome wake up call.  My dysfunctions of depression and compulsion are thankfully not in control these days.  However, I was starting to  “sleepwalk” again thinking the life I wanted was somewhere in the future.  There was also a bit of playing the “too late” game with myself.  By simple acknowledgement the renewed delusions are dissolving.

Reminding myself of the discoveries of five years ago is all that is needed.  I am very grateful for the teaching the past gave me and for that awareness now preventing me from slipping into those old ways of being.

Knowledge is being aware that fire can burn;
wisdom is remembering the blister.
Unknown

The Marble and the Sculptor

/ James Browning / 1 Comment

George Bernard Shaw’s quote pictured just above is good food for thought.  Once upon a time I remember firmly believing I could find myself out there somewhere.  My approach was that of an adventurer.  Simply thinking if “I” am to be found at some location other that where I am, let the journey begin!  And so it did.

I tried changing locales often while searching for “me”.  Within the searching I lived in eight states from the Atlantic to Pacific Oceans and even tried close to a year as an expatriate in a foreign country. There were a few hints and sign posts forward, but there was no”me” there to be found.

I went looking for “myself”  with high focus on interests such as piloting airplanes, professional photography, high-powered rocketry, collecting antiques, travel to exotic places and more.  There was no “me” to be found up in the sky.  No image ever captured did more than vaguely hint at who I might be.  Even when the everyday person I am was mostly stripped away by places where little was familiar only a few vague notions of “me” arrived.

I thought maybe some of the un-located “me” might be in another person and a long list of short and long relationships came and went.  Within those loves and heart breaks there was a moving closer to the destination of “myself” that came through revelations of what I was not.  The trying to fit in and the molding of myself to others painfully taught a lot of what was not “me”, but not much of what “I was”.

As many worthy discoveries come from failure of another intention, the many failings of my choices in time brought me unwillingly onto the path of “creating myself”.   The makings of the “me” searched for through many years had been inside all along!  I had been running away from it hoping to replace what was there unsuccessfully with something else.  When there was not other choice, I became the creating artist of my own life.  Some of the best chisels in my sculpting kit are:

Often being around others working on similar self improvement.
Getting up earlier and giving my most rested hours to myself.
Appreciating what I have instead of wanting something else.
Living first and foremost for myself instead of others.
Looking inward and writing here what I see and feel.
Forgiving others for what they have done to me.
Expectations of good instead of the opposite.
Making amends with those I hurt in the past.
Expanding the good, diminishing the bad.
Working to live instead of living to work.
Forgiveness for things I have done.
Learning to be comfortably alone.
Faithfulness to myself and others.
Belief in a power greater than me.
Being a better friend.
Growing gratefulness.
Staying in one place.
Optimism.
and more.

A great deal of time was spent previously expecting to “arrive” and to instantly have the complete life I thought was my destiny to have.  Now it is clear life is not a destination and is instead something created daily or more accurately, moment by moment.  My discovery has been when I live more fully in the ‘now’ I better ‘carve’ out the “me” I once searched for.  In a relatively short time my future has begun to unfold more as I want and my past has begun to be something I am pleased about.  Being proud of one’s self gives a person amazing strength!

This all sounds simple and it is, but hard to do.  The difficulty is removing the sediment that life puts over us given time.  It’s easy to begin to believe the residue of the years is who and what we are.  I had to dig the mudslide of many years that covered and obscured the “me” with. 

Like a miner I had to remove the layers of mud before the veins of raw gold of “me” could be located.  And only then could the gold began to be processed  and shaped.  Mining of any sort takes strength, determination and consistent digging.  Now instead of a feeling of being lost, I am the daily sculptor and creator of “me”.  The hard work of the task is not a deterrence and I am deeply grateful for the measure of peace and satisfaction the labor now brings each day.

Man cannot remake himself without suffering,
for he is both the marble and the sculptor.
Dr. Alexis Carrel

Between the Idiocy of Infancy & the Folly of Youth

/ James Browning

“I Resign”
Author Unknown

I am hereby officially tendering
my resignation as an adult.

I have decided I would like to accept the
responsibilities of an 8-year-old again.

I want to go to McDonald’s and think
that it’s a four star restaurant.

I want to sail sticks across a fresh mud
puddle and make ripples with rocks.

I want to think M&Ms are better than
money because you can eat them.

I want to lie under a big oak tree and run a
lemonade stand with my friends on a hot summer day.

I want to return to a time when life was simple.

When all you knew were colors,
multiplication tables, and nursery rhymes,
but that didn’t bother you, because you
didn’t know what you didn’t know and you didn’t care.

All you knew was to be happy because you
were blissfully unaware of all the things
that should make you worried or upset.

I want to think the world is fair.

That everyone is honest and good.

I want to believe that anything is possible.

I want to be oblivious to the complexities of life
and be overly excited by the little things again.

I want to live simple again.

I don’t want my day to consist of computer crashes,
mountains of paperwork, depressing news,
how to survive more days in the month than there
is money in the bank, doctor bills, gossip,
illness, and loss of loved ones.

I want to believe in the power of smiles, hugs,
a kind word, truth, justice, peace, dreams,
the imagination, mankind, and making angels in the snow.

So… here’s my checkbook and my car keys,
my credit cards and all my responsibility.

I am officially resigning from adulthood.

And if you want to discuss this further,
you’ll have to catch me first,
’cause,

“Tag! You’re it.”

Being a child again in body is not possible, but reconnecting more with the child in my soul is. A little boy remains inside, unseen. He is mostly unconscious and sleeping buried there under layers of “adult stuff” and the weight of years.

When I allow just a small crack to break through those heavy grown-up layers a youngster’s lighter way of being surfaces like a helium balloon rises when freed. I am grateful to know the goodness that comes from waking the child within. By freeing that little boy a little now and then, small perspective adjustments come that make life grander, more interesting and one heck of a lot more fun.

At this very moment thoughts of finger painting pop into my head… hmmm… how long has it been? 50 years????

Childhood: the period of human life intermediate between the idiocy of infancy and the folly of youth – two removes from the sin of manhood and three from the remorse of age. 
Ambrose Bierce

You Are More Than Who You Think

/ James Browning / 1 Comment

Without cause or catalyst I can name, once in a while I have found myself alone glancing into a mirror being startled by the sudden realization “I AM!”.  These rare moments started in childhood somewhere about ten years old.  The feeling is not bad particularly, but one does send me into an odd loop of thinking and self-questioning for a little while. 
 
When I really SEE myself this way thoughts rattle quickly to temporarily permeate my being.  They range from a startling “I really am here!?!?” and one of surprise like “so that is what I look like” to one of questioning in the realm of “I look very different from what my mind tells me” and “who am I?”.  It is the latter that unnerves me the most.  I think that’s because no answer ever comes that is simple enough to encapsulate in a though and in trying to find one a twinge of fear shows up.  I don’t have a “motto”, “slogan” or “self-description” that sums me up in a comfortable way. Maybe no one does.  
 
Sorting out how “who I am” is something not taught at school and is one of the most bewildering things about life.  As a small child I was seasoned by the “old-fashioned” ways taught in the isolated rural south.  By the third grade my existence was peppered with the pain of a broken family and a general lack of caring from the adults responsible for me.  Children always blame them self for the problems of their parents and as a child my response to such feelings was to build a nature of conformity.  At a time that could have been about self discovery, my self-identity was obscured and largely out of my sight. 
 
Teenage years brought a time of questioning for the majority of what I had been taught intentionally or had learned from watching adults.  My formative quizzical years from thirteen to sixteen found me perplexed about 90% of everything!  And what does a healthy, trouble teenage boy do in regard to what he does not understand?  REBELLION, of course and pretend I knew everything!

Beginning in my teen world of the late 60’s and increasingly since, media hype surrounding celebrities – their image, body shape, fashion and hair style – it has been easy to get sucked in, longing to look like, sound like, act like and be admired just like the famous faces.  The silent pressure from all around created a gnawing tension between being myself and fitting in with the people around me. 

Internally I have forever been overshadowed by a self-consciousness that grew from a concern about what others think of me. With a dread of being put down for simply being who I really was it became easy in many circumstances just to do, say and act as I thought I was expected to.  It was my way of being accepted.  

Only in recent years has my fear subsided enough to where I can consistently talk openly about my problems, what I really believe in and the things that truly matter most to me. Before I was always afraid of not being understood or I’d be thought less of.  The issues of childhood and mistakes of my adult life combined with nausea from pretending gave me the impetus to change and grow beyond the “me” I had been.  Initially with reluctance, and later with growing confidence I have allowed myself to show more and more of the person that truly is me.

Now there is a knowing if others can’t respect me for the “true me” or are going to be judgmental then they are not worth my time, energy, friendship or love.  Today my knowledge is certain that my self-identity is so much more than what I wear or do.  Rather it is made up of what I believe in, what I dream of, what standards I hold myself to and about allowing myself the freedom to live first for no one else but me. 

In many ways my education of who I am has me still in class learning. Even now the questioning of who I am and where I belong linger and swirl, but thankfully not to the point of completely clouding life in front of me.   Though hard work, lots of honest introspection and the help of many I have found confidence and strength to counter my fears. There is much gratefulness to love, rather than fear, who I am.   

“Who You Are” by Wave Carberry

You are a rare wild orchid, magically lit from within,
But warmed outside by flaming sun of passion.
You are strong, and cling tenaciously to love.
No jungle predator can tear you from your home,
For you protect your own.
But when shrieking storms have blown down
All the stable trunks of home,
And you stand swaying in the shifting wind,
Know this, my friend:
You are more than who you think.
No one can define you, or diminish you,
Even at the brink of loss and sorrow.
You fold within yourself
Seeds of growth and power,
The light of understanding.

To Love More and Be Happy

/ James Browning / 3 Comments

A company business trip took me to the Florida for most of the week.  The trip was completed with a stop in Alabama to visit family for a couple of nights.  As much as I no longer find business travel to be enjoyable, the first part of the trip was more than a fair trade-off  to see my Brother, his wife and my niece.

Arriving home late yesterday afternoon I was near a walking zombie.  The meetings of the week started early and the evening dinners went late.  Arriving home my state was near exhaustion.  Too tired to unpack and too wired to go to bed at 7pm, I turned on the cable box to find something interesting to unwind and decompress with.  I ended up on pay-per-view stumbling across a documentary called “I Am” by Tom Shadyac who directed movie comedies such as “Ace Ventura:  Pet Detective” “Patch Adams” and “The Nutty Professor”.

For some people there are events that happen which are deeply life changing.  For Shadyac it was post-concussion syndrome after a 2007 bicycle accident in Virginia.  A 2011 New York Times article stated that: the symptoms of a concussion (didn’t) go away. Something as simple as a trip to the grocery store was painful for Shadyac, whose brain was unable to filter various stimuli. After medical treatments failed to help, he isolated himself completely, sleeping in his closet and walling the windows of his mobile home with black-out curtains. As his symptoms finally began to subside, the director wanted to share his inner quest in the way he knew best: through film. 

Shadyac gave away much of his fortune mostly through donations to worthy causes.  He reoriented and simplified his life, sold his 17,000-square-foot home and moved into a trailer park in Malibu.  Some think he “lost it” but after watching his documentary I think his experience enabled him to “get it”!

In the film, Shadyac does interviews with scientists, religious leaders, environmentalists, and philosophers focusing on two questions:   “What’s Wrong With the World?” and “What Can We Do About it?”  The documentary is about “human connectedness, happiness, and the human spirit” and explores the nature of humanity and our world’s ever-growing addiction to materialism.  In the trailer for the film Shadyac says he went looking for what was wrong with the world and found instead a lot of what was right about it.

Although some reviewers have not thought kindly of Shadyac’s documentary, I was moved to tears by what I saw and heard.  I don’t think he worries much about what others think as Tom Shadyac has found his own personal truth, something most people never even brush up against, much less tell the whole world about.  As the centuries-old wisdom in the “I Ching” says before a brilliant person begins something great, they must look foolish in the crowd.

Here’s are some of Tom Shadyac’s favorite quotes that shed light on his point of view and that of the documentary:  

“…Our life might be much easier and simpler than we make it…Why need you choose so painfully your place, and occupation…? Place yourself in the middle of the stream of power and wisdom which animates all whom it floats, and you are without effort impelled to truth, to right and a perfect contentment.”

“Study to overcome that in yourself which disturbs you most in others.”

“We don’t see things as they are. We see them as we are.”

“When we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”

The final essence I am left with now some twelve hours after seeing Tom Shadyac’s “I Am” documentary is my life is better when I am guided more by my heart than my mind.  Within my feelings are the strongest and truest connections to my most authentic self.  I have known for a good while my mind spins falsehood and fabrication with regularity, but my heart rarely does.  The key for me is to tune out my egoic mind’s loud and constant talking when I can in order to hear and feel the soft voice of my heart.  While my practice of that wisdom is far from perfect, my gratitude is large to simply have knowledge of it.  I get better at living it every day. 

link to film website and trailer for “I Am”

When all your desires are distilled
You will cast just two votes
To love more
And be happy.
Hafiz

Only One Way To Happiness

/ James Browning / 4 Comments

A blog filled with words borrowed from
“14 Timeless Ways to Live a Happy Life”
by Alex Blackwell ( link ):

1. Notice What’s Right
Some of us see the glass as being half-full, while others see the glass as half-empty. The next time you are caught in traffic, begin thinking how nice it is to have a few moments to reflect on the day, focus on a problem you have been trying to solve, or brainstorm on your next big idea. Take all that life throws out you and reframe it with what’s right about the situation.

2. Be Grateful
How many times do you say the words “thank you,” in a day? How many times do you hear these same words? Learn to be grateful and you will be open to receive an abundance of joy and happiness.

3. Remember the Kid You Were
Do you remember how to play? I’m not referring to playing a round of golf or a set of tennis. I’m talking about playing like you did when you were a child – a game of tag; leap-frog, or street baseball. One way to find or maintain your happiness is to remember the kid you were and play!

4. Be Kind
Kindness is indeed contagious and when we make a commitment to be kind to ourselves and to others we can experience new heights of joy, happiness and enthusiasm for our lives.

5. Spend Time with Your Friends
Although an abundant social and romantic life does not itself guarantee joy, it does have a huge impact on our happiness. Learn to spend time with your friends and make the friendships a priority in your life.

6. Savor Every Moment
To be in the moment is to live in the moment. Too often we are thinking ahead or looking ahead to the next event or circumstance in our lives, not appreciating the “here and now.” When we savor every moment, we are savoring the happiness in our lives.

7. Rest
There are times when we need the time to unwind, decompress, or to put it simply, just “to chill.” Life comes at all of us hard and fast. Fatigue, stress and exhaustion may begin to settle in on us faster than we may think, or notice. The best remedy for this is indeed rest.

8. Move!
The expression a “runner’s high” does not infer an addiction, but a feeling or a state of mind – a state of euphoria. There is no question exercise, or any physical exertion, elevates your mood and enhances a more positive attitude as well as fosters better personal self-esteem and confidence.

9. Put on a Happy Face
Sometimes we have to fake it until we make it. I’m not suggesting that we not be honest, real or authentic, but I’m suggesting, sometimes, we just need to put on a happy face and keep moving forward.

10. Pursue Your Goals
The absence of goals in our lives, or more specifically avoiding to pursue our goals, makes us feel like we are stuck and ineffective. The pursuit of goals in our personal lives, in our relationships, or with our careers, is the difference between having a mediocre life or a life full of passion and enthusiasm.

11. Finding Your Calling
Some find meaning in religion or spirituality while others find purpose in their work or relationships. Finding your calling may be much more than accomplishing one simple strategy for increasing your happiness, but having a sense of purpose – of feeling like you are here for a reason – can perhaps bring the greatest joy of all

12. Get into the Flow
Flow is the form of joy, excitement and happiness that occurs when we are so absorbed in an activity we love that we can lose ourselves and time seems to stand still. To find and sustain true happiness in our lives, we must get off the sidelines and get into the flow.

13. Play to Your Strengths
One way to achieve flow is by understanding and identifying our strengths and core values, and then begin to use these every day. Once we are aware of our strengths we can better incorporate them in all aspects of our lives.

14. Don’t Overdo It
Know when to say when. What gives you joy and happiness the first time may not work the second time. Set healthy and reasonable boundaries for yourself and don’t overdo it.

When I came across this list and first read it I was glad to realize I practice all fourteen of them.  Some are more regular than others, but all are change agents for the better in my life.  I am grateful for the growth in my life!

There is only one way to happiness and that is to cease worrying about things which are beyond the power of our will.
Epictetus

Master Gardener of His Soul

/ James Browning / 1 Comment

He made me angry with what he said.

She made me feel sad because she did that.

They made me feel hurt by not including me.

My employer made me feel bad when I did not get the promotion.

Most everyone, at least occasionally, expresses them self in the context of being “made” to feel one thing or another.  The reality however is no one makes us feel anything without our consent.  Through my growth of recent years I’ve learned to do my best to catch the words “he/she/they/you/it made me feel …” before they flow out of my mouth.  When expressing myself that way I am essentially trying to blame others for what is taking place inside me.  Fault is being reassigned for my thoughts, words, actions and feelings.  My “self” is being given up to an outside force. 

My knowledge today includes that I alone own my feelings and emotions and am responsible for what I do with them.  People can do or say things I can choose to make myself feel bad about, but I have to make the choice to allow it.

Giving my self away over and over used to be a frequent habit.  When thinking someone “made” me feel this or that I felt like one of those Superballs I had as a kid that when thrown bounced recklessly off any surface it hit.  With practice that kind of bouncing behavior became ingrained and made it easier to not take responsibility for my behavior.  Truth is I needed to look inward to find why I felt and reacted the way I did. 

Down deep now I know no one can make me ‘feel less’ than unless I already feel less than.  No one can make me feel crazy; no one can make me feel inadequate; no one can make me feel sad; no one can make me feel anything at all.  The most anyone else can do is to remind me of what I already feel inside.  If I have anger buried, someone can do or say something I might use to wake that feeling up, but only if I already have anger hidden inside me in the first place. 

My discovery has been that what worked the quickest to cause me to say others “made” me think or feel was most often what I needed to work on most.  By digging through a bunch of long-buried feelings I have slowly become more confident in my own skin.  As that confidence has grown I have become more adept at taking responsibility for my choices, feelings and thoughts.  I find myself saying things like “you made me feel …” less and less.  The frame of reference I now cultivate is simply “I feel …” That statement more accurately puts me in touch with what is going on inside me.

According to science, my thoughts about anything said or done by another can trigger a neurological response that sends chemicals into my brain trying get a reaction. The choice however is mine how I react.  The challenge I have had to work on (and still do) is my emotional responses have been repeated so much they are ‘habits’.  Having habitual reactions means when a trigger occurs – someone raises their voice, uses a certain tone, or behaves in a particular way – my neurological reaction occurs automatically.  Without my conscious awareness I then automatically act on the emotion as though I can’t control it.  My thinking was “this is just who I am” when in fact that is/was how I behave.  When I can accept this truth I am accept responsibility for myself, for my emotional state and my behavior.

When something happens that raises emotions within that make me feel out of control I have learned to try immediately to identify the emotion by asking “what am I feeling?”  Then I usually can find what my need behind the emotion is.  I ask myself “what do I need at this moment?” When that question can be answered I can move to meet my need.  Sometimes it is to set a boundary with someone.  At others my need is to ask for help or simply take a time out and walk away for a while.  With repeated and consistent practice I create new habits and ways of being.

Today I know what I feel is about me. To say someone else “makes” me feel is shirking responsibility.  The reality is that no one can make me feel anything. “I” alone am responsible for my emotions.  What I DO with those emotions is all about me and no one else.  I am deeply grateful to have that wisdom, even if my practice of it is far from perfect.

A man sooner or later discovers that he is the master-gardener of his soul, the director of his life.  James Allen

Like Wet Cement

/ James Browning

Years ago scientists conducted experiments proving wind is essential for a tree’s healthiest development. When grown in an overly protective environment without experiencing the wind and the elements, a tree’s roots grow shallow and weak.  Conversely, trees that grow in an environment with natural forces create a strong and flexible root system.
 
Vegetation that grows in rain forests frequently has less dense and shallower roots as compared to those growing in areas that receive more moderate amounts of rainfall.  When rain is too plentiful at the surface a plant does not have to grow deep and durable roots to be quenched. 
 
Plant life that is able to eek out stunted life in arid and near desert areas usually has deep and often immense roots.  With so little water, the plant has to look everywhere it can to find enough water to stay alive.  These plants often have evolved to go dormant and be near lifeless between rain falls in order to survive.  Not infrequently they die.
 
Human life has some parallels. 
 
Learning from a normal and moderate of “turbulence” encountered in life, a person can grow up experienced, knowledgeable and able to cope.  This wisdom is not automatic, but can be gained fairly easily while growing up in a supportive environment if one is paying attention and learning the lessons presented.  Like wind through a tree strengthens a tree as it grows, challenge and difficulty of life can help a person build strong roots where they cannot be easily toppled. 
 
A person overly protected growing up will often not have a firm foundation of life experience to keep them well rooted.  Love and caring in good amounts makes a life “well watered” with love and esteem.  Excessive amounts figuratively drown a person emotionally.  Like a tree with shallow roots, someone who grew up too sheltered will frequently find their ability to cope with life’s challenges falling short.  Getting knocked down easily is often their lot in life. 
 
Too little “watering” with care and love, a child’s emotional development is stunted and does not develop normally.  Such a person will often seem to be emotionally unavailable and appear to have dormant feelings.  When the need has primarily been to survive psychologically, one mostly develops those coping skills and little else.  It can be very challenging to interface with others for these people as they simply do not know how to.

The result of “too little watering, care and feeding” emotionally during formative years can be the root of all sorts of issues from anxiety and addiction to codependence and depression. While controversial in some medical circles, a lack of unconditional love early in a person’s life can result in what is called “Emotional Deprivation Disorder”. 

E.D.D was first noted by Dutch Dr. Anna A Terruwe in the 1950’s and is a disorder characterized by difficulty in forming relationships with others, a general feeling of inadequacy, and oversensitivity to criticism.  Emotional Deprivation Disorder results from a lack of authentic affirmation and emotional strengthening in one’s life. A person may have been criticized, ignored, neglected, abused, or emotionally rejected by primary caregivers early in life, resulting in that individual’s stunted emotional growth.

Some who have been adopted and grew up in loving and supportive homes may still have issues along the lines of E.D.D.  It is not uncommon for an adoptee to struggle with feelings of abandonment and rejection they feel about their biological parents. 

Unaffirmed people suffering most from E.D.D. are often incapable of developing into emotionally mature adults until they receive authentic affirmation from another person(s). Maturity is reached when there is a harmonious relationship between a person’s body, mind, emotions and spiritual soul under the guidance of their reason and will.
 
Does Emotional Deprivation Disorder actually exist?  I can’t speak from a medical or clinical point of view.  My thoughts originate solely from my personal experience.  Without a doubt I suffered for many years from the symptoms of E.D.D. without knowing exactly what the cause was.  Getting involved in therapy, exploring and making peace with my childhood and becoming an active member of Codependents Anonymous has made a huge difference in my life. 

The majority of the time now I enjoy a “harmonious relationship between body, mind, emotions and spiritual soul”. The lack of “care, watering and feeding” of my youth has been largely overcome.  I am deeply grateful for my recovery and thankful to be able to pass on to others a little of what I have learned.

Children are like wet cement.
Whatever falls on them makes an impression.
Dr. Haim Ginott

Between Now and the Next Midnight

/ James Browning / 1 Comment

How will today be different from the one before and the one before that?  Will it be unique because of what I experience outside of me?  Or will this new day be made distinctive due to what is felt inside?  Somewhere between work, sleep, responsibility and interaction with others will there be inspiration to make this day highly memorable? Will today bring something I will always remember, or will it fade unremarkably into another page in the over 20,000 pages of my life so far?

As those questions ping-pong around mentally as I write them, a silent voice says to me “that’s up to you”.  Whether what I hear noiselessly is simply me speaking my own thought or is that four word answer from somewhere beyond my knowing is of no consequence.  All I need do is openly accept what happens today is more up to me than any other force on this Earth.

In the last nine months I have discovered taking the time to mentally and emotionally mark the start of a new day makes every one better.  Instead of free-falling into another date on the calendar without intention or direction of my own choosing as was long my habit, now I come here to kick-start another morning.  Sitting here writing, watching out my office window as the night turns into day and really noticing what I see is a slow miracle I used to miss completely.

From sitting in one spot for an hour or so while looking up now and then the seasons come noticed by a greater awareness.  The subtlety of changes in the cypress tree in the yard are obvious now.  Today that tree is gray and seems to be hanging its limbs down as it rests and builds energy to burst forward with green as I know it will begin to do in six weeks.

From my vantage point I can see daffodil shoots that have popped through the ground early this year. It is only early February!  The winter has been warm and those flowering harbingers of spring seem to think the days of April are already upon us.  Will they make it until Spring undamaged?  Will I be outside covering them with mulch to protect them from real winter that finally arrives?  With my heightened awareness I know those questions will be answered all in good time.  For now I am content to enjoy what is, just as it is.

Each morning comes bearing a new gift of renewal, redemption and another chance to start all over again.  Life does not go on and on and on forever for anyone.  It begins and ends.  Of that reality I become more aware of as I move closer toward my days of old age.  I do not fear them really, although I do have apprehension about death.  It is not trepidation about what happens after I expire or worries of a spiritual nature.  Rather, it is anxiousness toward the process of moving away from breathing and physical awareness that is worrisome to me in varying increments and at varied times.  That’s OK life should have its mystery and intrigue.  Again, I accept what is, just as it is.

Today I write my thoughts not to push some personal dread upon the world, but rather to wave the flag of life.  It is a reminder that I am here for only a time and like all other days my chance at life in this one will pass.  More than ever I want to make my days count for something.  Small or large, my hope is to leave the world better for having been here.  The thought of a life filled only with consuming, taking up space and contributing waste is not something I allow myself any longer.  Once upon a time, certainly that was true of me.  I was a “taker” of all I could get, thinking grabbing then would offset the long before shortages of youth.  Now it is clear to me, life is far from best when lived in that manner.

No doubt I will be imperfect today.  I will make mistakes.  Scoring the quantity of my missteps is of little use.  Instead keeping a tally or at least noticing what good has been done is what matters.  What will I do today that improves life even if for just one person?

Will it be the smile and “good morning” I speak to some overly solemn person on an elevator?  Will it be the person I let cut in front of me in the backed up traffic?  Will it be the email sent to a friend that arrives with a caring word just when they need it?  Will it be the “good job” or word of support I might give a coworker?  Will someone reading what I have cast into the world here via the Internet get a positive thought which changes the mood of their day for the better?  Or will I be called on to do something rare and miraculous that saves a life or inspires another to?

Only living out my day will answer those questions.  My awareness and desire to make today count will power me through the hours between now and the next midnight.  I am deeply grateful for lungs that breathe, a heart that pumps and a mind that thinks that allows me to be awake and aware on another morning.  It is my intention to practice something I speak often:  “Have a great day and make it count”! 

“The Guest House” by Rumi
This being human is a guest house.
Every morning a new arrival.
A joy, a depression, a meanness,
some momentary awareness comes
As an unexpected visitor.
Welcome and entertain them all!
Even if they’re a crowd of sorrows,
who violently sweep your house
empty of its furniture,
still treat each guest honorably.
He may be clearing you out
for some new delight.
The dark thought, the shame, the malice,
meet them at the door laughing,
and invite them in.
Be grateful for whoever comes,
because each has been sent
as a guide from beyond.