Relationships

Poetry of the Senses

/ James Browning

Showing again my kinship with a number many are superstitious about, here’s another installment of thirteen’s. This time 13 sayings about loving and being loved.

1. It hurts to love someone and not be loved in return. But what is more painful is to love someone and never find the courage to let that person know how you feel, and then regret it.

2. Maybe God wants us to meet a few wrong people before meeting the right one so that when we finally meet the right person, we will know how to be grateful for that gift.

3. Love is when you take away the feeling, the passion, and the romance in a relationship and find out that you still care for that person.

4. A sad thing in life is, you meet someone who means a lot to you, only to find out in the end that it was never meant to be, and you just have to let go.

5. When the door of happiness closes, another opens. But often at times we look so long at the closed-door that we do not see the one which has been opened for us.

6. It is true that we do not know what we have until we lose it, but it is also true that we do not know what we have been missing until it arrives.

7. Giving someone all your love is never an assurance that they will love you back. Do not expect love in return; just wait for it to grow in their heart. But if it does not, be content that it grew in yours.

8. There are things you would love to hear that you would never hear from the person whom you would like to hear them from; but do not be so deaf as not to hear it from the one who says it from the heart.

9. Never say goodbye if you still want to try. Never give up if you still feel you can go on. Never say you do not love a person anymore if you cannot let go.

10. Love comes to those who still hope although they have been disappointed, to those who still believe although they have been betrayed, to those who still love although they have been hurt before.

11. Do not go for looks; they can deceive. Do not go for wealth; even that fades away. Go for someone who makes you smile, because it takes only a smile to make a dark day seem bright.

12. The beginning of love is to let those we love just be themselves and not twist them with our own image. Otherwise, we love only the reflection of ourselves we find in them.

13. The brightest future will always be based on a forgotten past. You can’t get on well in life until you let go of your past failures and heartaches.

I am grateful for eyes that see, a mouth that tastes, ears that hear, a nose that smells, and fingers that touch. But most of all I am grateful for a heart that loves.

Love is the poetry of the senses.
Honoré de Balzac

We All Feel the Same Pain

/ James Browning

There can be a thousand people in a room with only two dysfunction ones
and they will find one another. They’re attracted like magnets to each other
because they see them self in the other person.

A psychologist once said that to me and from experience I know it’s true.  ‘Likes’ attract, even dysfunctional ones, just like the cartoon above I clipped a few years back and came across last week.

So what is a dysfunction relationship? A partnership that does not work well because of emotional baggage that has been brought into a relationship by one or both partners (more often than not, both!). While anger or dissatisfaction may be what is outwardly apparent, the inner core is almost always fear that originates from old emotional wounds.

If a relationship is not contributing to your emotional, mental, psychological, and spiritual well-being, it is NOT functional. And if it is not functional … over time, it will manage to break your spirit, if you don’t manage it! From http://www.broken-relationship-help.com

The reality of life is most people grew up in a family that was dysfunctional to some degree, so there is nothing to be ashamed of. In some regard just about all of us learned unhealthy ways of being and relating when we were kids. Face that junk and work through it or else you’ll keep attracting people who at first seem like they complete you or fix you (neither of which is even possible). The scary thing is you won’t even realize you need to be healed until the healing begins.

I have a way to go in “growing myself back up” but I have come far in recovering from “issues” rooted in my childhood. I am happy, hopeful and grateful to be where I am today.

Everyone is dysfunctional.
The most dysfunctional people are the ones
that refuse to admit they are!
Why have we all been wearing a mask
and hiding when we all feel the same pain?!   
Melanie Tonia Evan

“That’s Enough, Move On!”

/ James Browning

My brain depends on tiny bits of information as I proceed through each day. With only scant details I am unable to perceive all that is around me, and luckily I don’t have to. Usually just a few pieces of info is all I need to identify another person from a distance by their walk, the car they drive, a coat they wear or how their hair is cut. Finding my way to a place I have been before only takes a few landmarks remembered from a previous trip there.

Even if I could absorb more information, there is no way my mind could take it all in. My brain makes snap decisions about which pieces of information to process and which to discard and in the end I end up being a good guesser about most things.

Relationships are no exception. Often we really don’t know much about another person, we just think we do. That lapse in judgment makes us prone to being wrong. There have been numerous times when I thought someone was upset with me because he or she seemed quiet or distracted. Then later I found out their behavior had nothing to do with me. Being aware of this propensity toward misjudgment can help avoid a lot of misunderstandings.

No matter how confused, concerned or just plain wrong my mind may be sometimes, it is almost always watching out for me. That’s the beauty of my brain and the trouble with it too. I am grateful to have the awareness to know when most of the time to tell myself “that’s enough, move on!” or “you’re jumping to conclusions, stop!”

Be yourself and think for yourself;
and while your conclusions may not be infallible,
they will be nearer right than the conclusions forced upon you.
Elbert Hubbard

Through It All

/ James Browning

Friends: they come and go.

If you’re lucky, you find a best friend and it works out perfectly, they’re always there for you and your relationship is always smooth.

But most people aren’t that lucky.

You find a best friend and it works out perfectly; for a little while.

And then problems arise, and friendships fall apart.

Sometimes an “I’m sorry” will fix things, but other times, it’s not that easy.

People aren’t perfect, they will get on your nerves, they will break your heart, and they won’t always meet your expectations.

You’ll learn who your true friends are when you’re making a wrong decision, and they don’t yell at you for it; they don’t try to force you to do something different.

They stick by you.

Posted today with abundant gratitude
for my dear friend Mel
and the comradeship we share.

When we first talked to each other
I knew we would always be friends.
Our friendship has kept on growing
And I’ll be here for you to the end.

You listen when I have a problem
And help dry the tears from my face.
You take away my sorrow
And put happiness in its place.

We can’t forget the fun we’ve had
Laughing ’til our faces turn blue.
Talking of things only we find funny
People think we’re insane-If they only knew!

I guess this is my way of saying thanks
For catching me when I fall.
Thanks once again for being such a good friend
And being here with me through it all.
Rachel Ellis

A Hair in a Biscuit

/ James Browning

It’s Monday and time to head back to work. Time to put on business clothes, ready my work face and get ready for “meetin’ & greetin” people.

When meeting someone for the first time or often after not seeing a person for a while most in the western world shake hands. This used to be a gesture used largely by men, but in this age of improved gender equality shaking hands is just about as frequent for women. The ancient Greeks shook hands in similar fashion to how we do today as a gesture of friendliness, hospitality, and trust. In Europe during the Middle Ages, kings and knights would extend their hands to one another to show that they were not carrying a weapon and bore the other party no harm.

A “normal handshake” is described as: Firm; shake once or twice, but no more than three times; lasts for 5 seconds maximum. There are variations and anomalies.  Sales Psychology Expert, Dr. Gregory Stebbins has categorized what he calls the “Top 10 Handshake Types”:

1. Sweaty Palms – When a person is nervous their sympathetic nervous system often becomes overactive, sometimes resulting in sweaty palms.
2. Dead Fish – Indifferent handshakes that feel like the person has no bones in their hand often indicate a passive or reserved personality.
3. Brush Off – This handshake type is a quick grasp and then a release that feels like your hand being shoved aside.
4. Controller – You feel your hand being pulled toward the person or strongly guided in a different direction, perhaps towards a chair.
5. Politician – Your hand is firmly grasped as in a normal handshake. However, their other hand may cover yours or be placed on your forearm or shoulder.
6. Finger Vice – When someone grabs your fingers and not your entire hand it is meant to keep you at a distance.
7. Bone Crusher – The message of squeezing your hand until you cringe is clearly designed to intimidate you.
8. Lobster Claw – Like the claw of a lobster, the other person’s thumb and fingers touch the palm of your hand.
9. Hand Wrestler – Your hand is taken normally and then aggressively twisted under the other person’s.
10. Teacup – This handshake feels normal except that there is no palm-to-palm contact. The other person’s palm is cupped, like a teacup.

Then there is the more informal greeting expressed to those we often see or as a telephone salutation. I wonder how many times today I will hear “how are you” or some derivative such as “how ‘ya doing'” or “how you be”. Today I am going to attempt to keep count. As I do, I plan to hesitate a second before responding so I can notice how many actually wait for a response.

My usual response is “every day is a good day; some are just better than others”. Today I am going to try some new ones that I found on-line and see what response I get back from people. On my list to possibly use today are variations on the theme of my typical response, some just for fun and others on the wacko side.

Typical Responses
Getting better by the minute.
If I were any better there would be two of me.
Living and learning.
Excellent, but improving!
Doing great, in fact I can’t wait until tomorrow.
I am getting better every day.
Living the dream!
Feeling lucky and living large.

Fun Responses
If I was doing any better vitamins would be taking ME!
I am so excellent, if there was a law against it I would be arrested.
If I was any better I would have to run backwards to keep from flying.
My Mom tells me to quit smiling’ all the time or my face will freeze that way!
I’m still pleasantly pushing a pulse, thanks for asking.
If I were any better you’d have to tie me down ’cause I’d flying.
Happier than a cat in a room full of catnip.
I am functioning within established parameters.

‘Out there’ Responses
If I were any better, I’d need pom-poms!
Having more fun than a human should be allowed to have with their clothes on!
 If I were any better, Energizer would give me my own drum.
Hanging’ in there like a hair in a biscuit!
Much better .. according to my psychiatrist.
If I were any better, I’d have my own page on Wikipedia.
A bit gaseous…oh.. wait… never mind.
Totally Charged. Don’t get to close though, sometimes sparks shoot out my nipples.

After writing this piece I am in an incredibly good mood. Thinking about seeing people, shaking hands and trying some of these response lines to “how are you” have enhanced my day already. How cool! I am grateful.

We sometimes encounter people, even perfect strangers,
who begin to interest us at first sight,
somehow suddenly, all at once,
before a word has been spoken.”
Fydor Dostoevsky

No Apologies, No Regrets

/ James Browning

Over time many people change. Some just get older while others find a comfy rut and live life out in it. Many just fake and and “put on” what they think people want to see. Others grow and evolve; some by choice and others out of necessity. I am one of the latter who transformed himself because there came a point life made no sense without a good deal of personal change. That’s when I got into counseling and entered recovery for depression and childhood junk. Today it is almost incomprehensible to think of living as I once did.

While many are happy for me, some are uncomfortable with the changes they notice. Others can’t or don’t want to see it at all. This is especially true of those who my connection is from long ago with little to no contemporary shared history.

Someone I knew long ago and have connected with briefly a few times over the years recently deleted me from her Facebook. The reason emailed to me was that after reading a post here about me being mostly an optimist today she simply said “I don’t believe you”. We have had little communication and had only recently established contact in limited fashion after none for over ten years.  All total we talked two or three times during relatively short phone calls and traded about that many emails. We have not seen each other in several decades.

The only real history this woman and I have dates back forty years around my high school graduation when we were both essentially kids. Yes, those were some of my dark, moody and confused days.  It was evident for anyone to see. No one would have called me anything but a pessimist then. That was then, and this is now.

My first momentary feeling about being “deleted” was to be a little hurt she could not see how far I have come and how much I have grown. Then I brought myself to the present and remembered her thoughts about me are largely stuck in a time long ago.

With repetition of experience, I have learned that if I present myself honestly and honorably yet someone can not see me as I am it the loss is theirs, not mine. In no way is it my fault that another person can not see truth when I present it. Nor is it healthy for me to try to convince them otherwise. Those whose presence in my life lends benefit to my existence are the only ones I have room for any more. No longer do I feel the need to attempt to get people to see me a particular way. Either they perceive me as I have become or they don’t.

Wayne Dyer stated my feelings well when he said, What you think of me is none of my business. Years and years and years it took for me to be able to practice the wisdom of those words. While being human does still cause me to care at least a little about what others think of me (still too much sometimes), for the most part I plainly just don’t care. Having spent decades trying to please others, be what they wanted me to be and doing things the way they wanted me to, life taught me the hard way such a way iof being is a fast road to continuous unhappiness and uninterrupted torment.

If someone thinks I am odd, that’s OK because I actually am. If another does not understand my unique views, that does not change them. If a person does not see truth when I express it, I lose nothing and the loss is theirs. And so on…

What you think of me is none of my business is one of the truths of living an overall contented life today. I trust the message of those ten words and do my best to live the wisdom in them. It is the ONLY way I can find some measure of peace in my life. I like who I am as a person, who I portray myself to be to others and truely accept myself.

Once again by stating it here, I let go of my concern over what others may think of me. To worry about what impression I may make on others is not healthy. It is impossible to control their thoughts anyway. Instead I focus on my own thinking and actions remaining true to myself. As long as I do this I come out of every situation, even messes made, with a good opinion of me and that is ALL that matters. To every teacher of all sorts that helped me find the path to live this insight I am humbly thankful.

Accept everything about yourself–I mean everything.
You are you and that is the beginning and the end–no apologies, no regrets.
Clark Moustakas

Shut Up and Dance

/ James Browning

My DVR is one of my most appreciated gizmos.  Every week or two I surf through listings on the movie channels I subscribe and pick out a few films showing in the future and record a few; saved for when I can get around to them.  Frequently, my searching brings me across a film I have never heard of that catches my attention due to the plot description, the subject matter, actors and actresses or some combination of these factors.

“Evening” is just such a movie.  Critics and most viewers panned the film and I can understand why.  One really has to have a very still mind and be open to the message contained within it.  This is NOT a movie intended to idly entertain those who view it.  One has to be able to relate personally in some manner to enjoy…actually ‘enjoy’ is the wrong word.. to appreciate the message of the movie.

Actress Vanessa Redgrave, at seventy years old, delivers an amazing (at least to me!) performance of a woman near death remembering bits and pieces of her romantic past and dealing with the emotional present of her daughters. As her character lays dying, she relives and is moved to convey to her daughters, the defining moments in her life 50+ years prior.

The full cast is impressive and makes the movie all the more believable.  Claire Danes, Natasha Richardson, Meryl Streep, Glenn Close, Barry Bostwick, Toni Collette and more contribute to making the story feel “real” to me. Far from being just a romantic love story, what is told on screen is a bit too gritty and realistic to be even close to a “chick flick”.  Instead it is a moving piece about life and a thinker’s movie that leaves one with a message.  What I got from it is: There are no mistakes; there is only life.  No matter whether we do good or bad or what kind of choices are made, it is still life.  And life is never a mistake.

For my way of thinking Goldie Hawn said something akin to the message of “Evening”: The lotus is the most beautiful flower, whose petals open one by one. But it will only grow in the mud. In order to grow and gain wisdom, first you must have the mud — the obstacles of life and its suffering. … The mud speaks of the common ground that humans share, no matter what our stations in life. … Whether we have it all or we have nothing, we are all faced with the same obstacles: sadness, loss, illness, dying and death.

A poem by Naomi Shihab Nye called “Kindness” also contains a similar message in these words I have selected from it to include here:

you must lose things,
feel the future dissolve in a moment
like salt in a weakened broth.
What you held in your hand,
what you counted and carefully saved,
all this must go so you know
how desolate the landscape can be
between the regions of kindness.

Before you know kindness as the deepest thing inside,
you must know sorrow as the other deepest thing.
You must wake up with sorrow.
You must speak to it till your voice
catches the thread of all sorrows
and you see the size of the cloth.

Ultimately seeing the film “Evening”, reading Goldie Hawn’s quote once again and letting Nye’s words sink in mentally all bring me back to the same place:  there are no mistakes, there is only life.  Everything that happens, good, bad or indifferent” is “my life”  and to be embraced with gratitude.

By loving the best and joyous along with most painful and difficult is how I have found a measure of peace, contentment and ease for living my days.  Far from some mystic know it all who lives in constant bliss, I am just a man doing the best he can who is grateful for his life and all that is within it!  As best I possibly can I endeavor to do what the character Buddy in “Evening” says, Shut up and dance.

The gem cannot be polished without friction,
nor man be perfected without trials.
Danish Proverb

Scarred But Whole Again

/ James Browning

For most of my life I have been nursing a broken heart. There were times the breaker was me and at others it was someone I trusted and loved. A mother and a father are on that list as are lovers I gave all of me I knew how to. And there is the name of a few “friends” close and dear who found reason to violate the bond that was shared and wound my heart.

I am not unique. Everyone has had their heart broken a number of times. Some recover quickly, but I have always be one of those slow to heal. It takes years and even then a little of the wound always seems to survive within me. Maybe it is like that for everyone.

“WHERE DO BROKEN HEARTS GO?”
Written by Linda McLellan
and posted here with many thanks to the author

Where do broken hearts go?
When the tears don’t seem to stop
When a part of you feels missing
And hands move slowly on the clock
Your thoughts are filled with memories
Swirling through your mind
You pray to stop the aching
But you know it will take time
Sometimes you look for answers
And they do not seem to come
Why did this all happen?
How could it become undone?
Often there are no answers
To the mysteries of life
Though you search for understanding
For the pain, the tears and strife
You gave your heart to someone
Your trusted them with its care
They willingly accepted it
It was the best that you could share
You took your heart from your chest
And wrapped it in dreams of two
You gently placed it in their hands
You gave away the gift of you
The journey of hopes and wishes began
But somewhere along the way
Your gift was taken for granted
And your heart was cast away
It crashed to the ground and shattered
The pain stung your eyes with tears
How I will recover from this, you thought
The deep pain, the hurt and the fears
The heart is such a fragile thing
Fragile but yet so strong
Even filled with cracks and breaks
It continues to beat on
Where do broken hearts go?
When the ache you cannot bear
The pieces of heart go to Heaven
For the Angels to repair
How do I know all this you ask?
The despair, hurt, and the pain
Because my heart has gone to Heaven
It came back scarred, but whole again.

The pain of heart-break is not something within itself I can say I am grateful for. However, I am clearly grateful for what this cumulative hurting taught me. The discomfort and discord of pain kneaded my heart like a bread maker does dough. A baker’s kneading warms and stretches a mixture into a springy and elastic dough. If not kneaded enough, it will collapse, leaving a heavy and dense loaf that can be hard almost like a rock.

And so it has been with me as the breaking of my heart has molded, strengthened and shaped my ability to love. My gratitude for those teachings is true and genuine. I only hope the major portion of that education are behind me.

A final comfort that is small, but not cold: The heart is the only broken instrument that works.
T.E. Kalem

To Risk My Significance

/ James Browning

For a long, long time I thought I lived openly…at least in the vast majority of ways.  My secrets were either ancient history or had to do with relationships with the opposite sex. Somehow I managed to compartmentalize my behaviors believing that the 85% of my life where I was open and honest (work, friends, money, associates, etc) more than made up for the 15% where I often lived dishonestly (affairs, relationships with women, etc).  Yet, for that small percentage my dishonesty hurt them 100% and contributed to self-loathing suffered for a long time.  Thankfully that sense about myself is for the most part gone now, although self forgiveness has been hard.

Feeling better has to do with changing behavior and not having secrets.  No longer is worry about being found out a near constant apprehension.  It seems crazy at this point that I lived in two marriages that were fraught with a lack of honesty yet somehow thought everything could be OK.  Pure delusion!

By choice I live an authentic life today and am able to honestly be who I am.   It was VERY difficult to throw off the old habits.  Learning my bad behavior came mostly from insecurity and issues of abandonment helped, but it took “knuckle-busting” work to grow past my old ways.  I had to face my “monsters” and fight them through some dark days and nights.  But I did it!

I will not die an unlived life.
I will not live in fear of falling or catching fire.
I choose to inhabit my days,
to allow my living to open me,
to make me less afraid, more accessible,
to loosen my heart until it become a wing, a torch, a promise.
I choose to risk my significance,
to live so that which came to me as seed goes to the next as blossom,
and what which came to be as blossom,
goes on as fruit.
Living Wide Open: Landscapes of the Mind By Dawna Markova

Life has become no less challenging, but has gotten simpler with out lies and rampant self-delusion.  Contentment and even happiness and joy are not longer strangers to me.  I only have to be one person with a singular personality and story.  No longer am I living different lives simultaneously resulting in uncertainty and confusion about exactly who I am.  As Markova’s poem above says… I have “loosened my heart” to “allow my living to open me and make me less afraid”.

Day to day life is more exciting and sometimes more unsettling than it used to be because it is lived just as it comes to me.  I embrace the good and beautiful and accept the bad and ugly with a knowing that even the best life is rounded with both.

One source of real joy that has found me has come through spending time with friends and making new ones.  I go out more than I ever have and spend less time in front of the television.  Listening to music and reading still take up a good bit of my time, but those hours are spent in a healthy way.  Never in my life can I remember going to three concerts within a few days, but last week I went to three!  Good for me.  I am no longer living an unlived life!

The goodness and balance in my days is better than ever.  I am  grateful to feel better about myself and living than ever before.

I choose to live love.
And I fully believe that life is not meant to be anything other
than the experience of passion, delight, creativity, peace, love, gratitude.
Any struggle, exertion, challenge, climb, exhaustion is self-induced…
a moment I refuse to open my heart;
instead choosing to cling to something of this earth.
Adrienne from her website Experience Life Fully

Belief is Important; Trust is Essential

/ James Browning

A small girl and her father were crossing a bridge.  The father asked his little daughter Sweetheart, please hold my hand so that you don’t fall into the river.  The little girl said No, Dad. You hold my hand.

What’s the difference? Asked the puzzled father. There’s a big difference, replied the little girl.  If I hold your hand and something happens to me, chances are that I may let your hand go. But if you hold my hand, I know for sure that no matter what happens, you will never let my hand go.“

In any relationship, the essence of trust is not in its bind, but in its bond. So hold the hand of the person whom you love rather than expecting them to hold yours.

Definition of trust:  assured reliance on the character, ability, strength, integrity or truth of someone or something.

It is not uncommon for a person to emotionally love another, but not trust him or her.  Just as often one may trust another but not emotionally love him or her. To trust someone I have to believe they have my best interest at heart and would not hesitate to put consideration of me in front of them self.  Without doubt or hesitation I can rely on him or her.

While the beginning of trust may be given freely, it is earned over time by consistency.  To be trusted, I must show another person I will not use them or take advantage of them. I won’t abuse their love or generosity. I will think of him or her before acting.

Re-earning a person’s trust is done in the same way, but is far more difficult.  Once trust has been violated it may not be as fully possible as it once was.  It may not be achievable again at all!  If it is re-established, the rebuilding of trust takes a much longer period of time and may never achieve the strength that was once shared.

Each of us is different as to how early we can trust another.  Some have been seriously hurt previously and hesitate to trust again.  Other people can be very “trusting” even toward those who do not deserve their trust.  No matter the individual, you earn and re-earn people’s trusts through reliance on the consistency of character.  Each of us proves over time we are trustworthy or not by what we do.

The universal truth is if I have broken another’s trust, I have NO RIGHT to expect anything from the other person, especially trust.  I should not hold it against someone if they find they can not trust me again.  It is their right to protect them self from me or anything they perceive might hurt them again.  Even if a person I’ve hurt badly allows an opportunity to rebuild it will take huge amounts of perseverance and consistent proof to prove myself worthy.  In such as instance I must remember I am being given a chance I actually do not deserve.

Violating another’s trust not only hurts them, I damage me as well.  Learning to trust my self is difficult, but the only way to heal my own wounds caused by my own untrustworthiness.  Being true to my self is a large part of the ability to be trustworthy to others.

I am grateful for those who trust me and to deserve their trust.  There is much thankfulness for those whose trust I violated who have allowed me the chance to rebuild being trustworthy.  For those I proved myself unworthy of their trust, I respect the need to protect yourself and not trust me again.

Belief is Doubtful, Trust is Certain
Belief is from Mind, Trust is from Heart
Belief is Ordinary; Trust is Extra-ordinary
Belief is Limited; Trust is infinite
Belief is Partial; Trust is Complete
Belief is Important; Trust is Essential
Believe many; Trust only a Few
From “Belief vs. Trust” by Gan Chennai