People

My Two Ex-Dads

/ James Browning

I have been married and divorced twice. Both are longer stories to tell another time, but the failure of both marriages was in majority my fault. In spite of the pain and heartache that came with both of them, I benefited from both marriages.  Not the least of which was two Father-in-Laws who both treated me like a son.  Having basically grown up without a father I learned a great deal from both men about how to be a man and how to be a good Dad myself.

In both cases I always knew either would be there to help me no matter what.  All I had to do was ask.  That was a great deal of comfort that I never said thank you for.  Then there was all the times each did help me that I believe I always said thank you for, but those two words do not express the depth of my gratitude in retrospect.

S. and E. were strong men from a different generation where most got married once and toughed out all difficulties in the union.  They were both hard working and a success in their jobs.  They worked hard at their professions and even harder on their own homes to make them as good for their families as they knew how.  Both were men of high morals and were the sort who would help people without being asked.  From both I learned a lot about how to be a man that today benefits me more than ever.  Interesting how clarity in the rear view comes with time if you look.

Both men were very close to their daughters and were disappointed that the marriages did not end up being “until death do us part”.  They were disappointed in me.  That their daughters were hurt is something I will always regret.  In some ways I can see how forgiving me is a  difficult thing.  If the roles were switched I don’t know if I would be able to forgive.  I know one did forgive before he passed away and I hope one day the other might also.  Even if that does not happen, my gratitude for his role in my life will not be diminished. 

S. & E. were both good men who experienced pain through knowing me.  It has taken a long time for me to forgive myself.  Gratefully I have peace now.  Otherwise I could not write here and put my feelings out there for the world to see.  I am grateful for the legacy both men left me with.  I may not have practiced all of it well when they knew me, but today I am part of their legacies.  I will always be grateful beyond words.

If you concentrate on finding whatever is good in every situation, you will discover that your life will suddenly be filled with gratitude, a feeling that nurtures the soul.  Rabbi Harold Kushner

A Boy in a Man’s Body

/ James Browning

The smile of a child is beautiful.  It is expressed with innocence and with the full emotion of the moment.  We tend to lose this unaffected expression of our self as adults, but there are exceptions.

There is a young man about 19 or 20 that works at the grocery store where I shop that has worked there about 3 years.  Russ is tall and handsome, enough so that if circumstances were different he might have been a male model.  He expresses himself openly to customers and most seem thrilled to see him.  You see a big part of Russ never left the 5th or 6th  grade.

Russ bags groceries and shags shopping carts in the parking lot.  I am uncertain if he works full or part time, but is usually there at the store when I shop after work and on Saturday’s.  Russ smiles at everyone and makes direct eye contact that lets you know he really sees you.  If he knows you often you’ll get a quick hug and he will tell you that he loves you.  Even if you are a stranger he will flash that wonderful smile and say something to you that makes you feel good.  He is always filled with the joy of being alive and in his world people matter most.    In the store I will go out of my way to get into the register line where he is bagging just so I can speak to him.

Yesterday was challenging at work and I was brooding  inside myself when I parked my car in the grocery store parking lot.  As I was walking toward the entrance, there was Russ gathering shopping carts to take back in the store.  He was working diligently as he always seems to be and focused on doing well his task.    I just walked over and told him hello.  Russ’s response was a BIG “How are you?” and he meant it.  Moments before I had been in a funk from my work day, but at that instant all that “junk” melted away.

Maybe it was when he told me he loved me that did it.  Maybe it was the hug.  I am uncertain.  But I certainly know it was Russ and I am very grateful for this boy in a man’s body who is my friend of sorts.  His joy for living and his love for others are so rare.  Some might say God messed on up making him the way he is.  I don’t think so.  I believe God made him just the way he is and put part of an angel in Russ.  He is perfect just the way he is.

Gratitude unlocks the fullness of life. It turns what we have into enough, and more. It turns denial into acceptance, chaos to order, confusion to clarity. It can turn a meal into a feast, a house into a home, a stranger into a friend. Gratitude makes sense of our past, brings peace for today, and creates a vision for tomorrow.  Melody Beattie