Overcoming Obstacles

A Rainbow’s End

/ James Browning

A way to bring light to a dark time or to shake myself from sleepwalking while awake is looking outside and beyond myself . When I do sometimes a wider view comes. Other times what I see is narrow, but in noticing even in a small way, the moment I am living in changes.

Almost always opening awareness for what is outside of me brings a sense of relief in knowing I am part of something larger than myself. It’s not only the big things noticed that make a positive difference, but frequently a little casual notice pours goodness into me. Stirring in a bit of gratitude with awareness has allowed a taste of true bliss on occasion. Making difficulty and pain go away is not possible, but by sprinkling such times with awareness my load is lightened.

“Moments of Awareness” by Helen Lowrie Marshall

So much of life we all pass by
With heedless ear, and careless eye,
Bent with our cares we plod along,
Blind to the beauty, deaf to the song.

But moments there are when we pause to rest
And turn our eyes from the goal’s far crest.
We become aware of the wayside flowers,
And sense God’s hand in the world of ours.

We hear a refrain, see a rainbow’s end,
Or we look into the heart of a friend.
We feel at one with mankind. We share
His grief’s and glories, joy and care.

The sun flecks gold through the sheltering trees,
And we should our burdens with twice the ease.
Peace and content and a world that sings
The moment of true awareness brings.

There have been moments of clarity when I was completely aware of the seconds in which my life was being lived. When touched strongly enough to be stunned by beauty, gentleness, joy or caring the clattering of my mind goes quiet; a feeling like none other I’ve experienced.

Examples of when awareness was able to halt my thinking mind were witnessing the birth of my son, the initial moment I laid my eyes on Machu Picchu in fog soon after sunrise, the first time a woman looked into my eyes and said “I love you”, watching a little girl pick dandelions in a park then chasing the floating seeds, or seeing an loving old couple help each other manauver in a restaurant.  There is so much for an eye to see when it opens enough to truly “see”.  

There is deep gratefulness for the discovery of the more I see outside myself, the more truly alive I am.

The foot feels the foot when it feels the ground.
Buddha

A Small Miracle

/ James Browning

A few weeks ago I found out mid one afternoon that a local major cinema complex was showing a restored version of “Casablanca” once at 7pm that evening. Having never seen it on the big screen, I was excited. A half hour before the showing was to begin I walked up to the ticket window and said “one for Casablanca please” to which the teenage girl behind the glass offered a comforting smile and said “I’m sorry sir. It’s sold out”. I am certain she saw the disappointment on my face akin to that of a let down 10-year-old boy.

I did my best to take it in stride and shake off the “downer”.  My self-administered solace? Go home, make popcorn and watch my DVD copy of “Casablanca”. I was proud I didn’t let disappointment linger and turn into a “why me” sort of questioning thrown at the universe. Ten years ago I might have. Today I am wiser.  An improved ability for accepting what “is” has brought refreshing change.

Three days ago I was surprised to see mentioned in the electronic version of the local daily paper that “Casablanca” was being shown again at the same theatre. Like the first time it was pure chance I stumbled across it.  I immediately bought tickets on-line and was at the theatre an hour and a half early last evening. A dear friend met me, we bought popcorn and found good seats before the theatre started to fill up (which it did). We munched and caught up on each other’s ‘news’ while we waited till show time.

Certainly “Casablanca” was not shown again to please me. However, I do like to think of getting to see the movie as a reward for not being bothered too much when I missed out before. Call it serendipitous, coincidence, luck, a twist of fate or what ever you choose.  I am thankful for a second chance to get to see this wonderful old black and white film about love, sacrifice and intrigue. Bogart and Berman “on the big screen” … what a delightful treat!

A coincidence is a small miracle
in which God chooses to remain anonymous.
Unknown

Light in the Darkness

/ James Browning

What does it mean to get to a “Breaking Point”?

For much of my life I thought those two words related to when a person ‘breaks down”; something in the realm of a “nervous breakdown” I recalled hearing adults whisper and talk softly about when I was a kid. Having arrived at what might be called a “Breaking Point” about five years ago, I see it very differently now.

I did not have a “breakdown”. I had a “break through” more like the description of “Breaking Point” found in dictionaries: the moment of greatest strain at which someone or something gives way. What happened was I “gave way” so what needed to move behind me could go there and “gave way” to let healing and a new way of being come to me. So much good has arrived since I loosened my grip on living and stopped trying to make everything the way I wanted it to be. In learning to allow life to come to me and accepting “what is” came my new beginning. Today I am very grateful for finally reaching my “Breaking Point” when I found light in the darkness!

One day you finally knew
what you had to do, and began,
though the voices around you
kept shouting
their bad advice—
though the whole house
began to tremble
and you felt the old tug
at your ankles.
“Mend my life!”
each voice cried.
But you didn’t stop.
You knew what you had to do,
though the wind pried
with its stiff fingers
at the very foundations,
though their melancholy
was terrible.
It was already late
enough, and a wild night,
and the road full of fallen
branches and stones.
But little by little,
as you left their voices behind,
the stars began to burn
through the sheets of clouds,
and there was a new voice
which you slowly
recognized as your own,
that kept you company
as you strode deeper and deeper
into the world,
determined to do
the only that you could do—
determined to save
the only life you could save.
“The Journey” by Mary Oliver

What you really want for yourself is always trying to break through,
just as a cooling breeze flows through an open window on a hot day.
Your part is to open the windows of your mind.
Vernon Howard

Awareness of What “IS” Within

/ James Browning

Through the months of moving forward with Good Morning Gratitude my thinking was if I made my goal of writing here daily for a year, I’d possess a healthy sense of accomplishment.  And there is a some of that today knowing I achieved my goal, but I don’t feel inclined to pat myself on the back.  What I feel is an odd combination of gratitude and joy stirred in with humility combined with a sense of loss.  The latter is unexpected.

As plainly as anything I have experienced in my life I can see the endeavoring toward my goal is what I have loved most.  I know now this effort was never really about arriving at the finish line.  It was about my journey forward.  Getting to the one year mark is simply a side benefit.  It is within the hard work spent on doing something very meaningful where the overriding wisdom I’ve received from this experience has been found.  The sense of loss will be removed simply by continuing here in some form writing about my gratitude for all that living encompasses.

Success is not a place one arrives but rather the spirit with which a person embraces and makes their journey.  The gift is the voyage itself!  As a child I began to think my happiness was out in front somewhere waiting for me to discover.  I grew up, but never stopped that childish thinking.  It seems like lunacy now how, for so long, I had the notion I would get more happiness later by forgoing a lot of it in the present.  Never was “now” or what I had good enough. My desire for more was insatiable.  To no avail I tried a seemingly endless number of ways to sate my desire for happiness.  And like one whose thirst could not be quenched, I was never happy for a long time.  But my view is different now.

What is abundantly clear is being happy takes as much effort as being unhappy, but it does not take more!  Ann Brashares said it well:  It’s by living that you live more. By waiting you wait more. Every waiting day makes your life a little less. Every lonely day makes you a little smaller. Every day you put off your life makes you less capable of living it.  How true those words are, but a year ago I could have only been able to admire the eloquence of the statement and filter out some surface meaning, at best.  Today I get it!

Nothing is impossible, the word itself says ‘I’m possible’! Audrey Hepburn once said.  Her splitting up of the letters into two words with a new meaning speaks truth to me and I have adopted her thought into my personal repertory.  More than ever I am capable of living the life I want and need.  Three simple things are at the root of arriving at this knowledge today:  1) being consistent in the doing the work needed for my daily task, 2) focusing on my deepest thoughts and drawing them out to learn what I truly think and feel and 3) reading a tremendous amount of philosophy, psychology and other work for knowledge and inspiration.

… but this is what I’m finding, in glimpses and flashes: THIS IS IT. This is it, in the best possible way. That thing I’m waiting for, that adventure, that movie-score-worthy experience unfolding gracefully. This is it. Normal, daily life ticking by on our streets and sidewalks, in our houses and apartments, in our beds and at our dinner tables, in our dreams and prayers and fights and secrets – this pedestrian life is the most precious thing any of use will ever experience. Shauna Niequist

What’s just above and also about to follow both now hang on my fridge as a reminder in other’s words of what I have come to believe and know:  Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, ‘Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?’ Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It’s not just in some of us; it’s in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others. From “Return to Love” by Mairanne Williamson

To everyone who encouraged me and everything thing that inspired me from the forces of nature to the mining of the great unknowns within my inner self I offer humble thanks.  Most of all, I hold tremendous gratitude for the power greater than me, whatever it is, that brought me to this endeavor, has seen me through it and continues forward with me growing my awareness of what “IS”.

May you live every day of your life.
Jonathan Swift

Things Aren’t Always What They Seem

/ James Browning

“Beauty,” said the Beast, “if my presence is troublesome, I will end our conversation and leave you. For tell me, do not you think me very ugly?”

“It is true,” said Beauty, “for I cannot tell a lie, but I believe you are very good-natured.”
“Yes, yes,” said the Beast, “my heart is good, but still I am a monster.”

“Among mankind,” says Beauty, “there are many that deserve that name more than you, and I prefer you, just as you are, to those, who, under a human form, hide a treacherous, corrupt, and ungrateful heart.”

Later: Beast opened his eyes, and said to Beauty, “You forgot your promise, and I was so afflicted for having lost you that I resolved to starve myself, but since I have the happiness of seeing you once more, I die satisfied.”

“No, dear Beast,” said Beauty, “you must not die. Live to be my husband; from this moment I give you my hand, and swear to be none but yours. Alas! I thought I had only a friendship for you, but the grief I now feel convinces me that I cannot live without you.”

No sooner had she said this than the hide of the beast split in two and out came a most handsome young prince. The prince told her that he had been enchanted by a magician and could not recover his natural form until a maiden would, of her own free will, declare that she loved him.

Thereupon the prince… was married to Beauty, and they all lived happily ever after.

The theme of beauty and the beast is things are not always what they seem to be. One should not be deceived by appearances for beauty lies within. One must rather try to look past what the eye can see and look inside that person where his/her true personality is found.

Another old tale about things not being always as they appear:

Two traveling angels stopped to spend the night in the home of a wealthy family. The family was rude and refused to let the angels stay in the mansion’s guest room. Instead the angels were given a small space in the cold basement.

As they made their bed on the hard floor, the older angel saw a hole in the wall and repaired it. When the younger angel asked why, the older angel replied, “Things aren’t always what they seem.”

The next night the pair came to rest at the house of a very poor, but very hospitable farmer and his wife. After sharing what little food they had the couple let the angels sleep in their bed where they could have a good night’s rest.

When the sun came up the next morning the angels found the farmer and his wife in tears. Their only cow, whose milk had been their sole income, lay dead in the field. The younger angel was infuriated and asked the older angel how could you have let this happen?

The first man had everything, yet you helped him, she accused. The second family had little but was willing to share everything, and you let the cow die. “Things aren’t always what they seem,” the older angel replied.

“When we stayed in the basement of the mansion, I noticed there was gold stored in that hole in the wall. Since the owner was so obsessed with greed and unwilling to share his good fortune, I sealed the wall so he wouldn’t find it.

Then last night as we slept in the farmers bed, the angel of death came for his wife. I gave him the cow instead. “Things aren’t always what they seem”.

What initially looks true may prove false. What first appears wrong may in time prove to be correct. Truth parading as a lie makes fact no less a fact, nor does a falsehood become factual just because it looks true. Things are often not what they seem to be.

The person I have been guilty of accepting lies and deception about most in my life has been myself! Who was the biggest teller of false things? ME!  For the longest time I tried to be what I am not and kept hidden who I really was  as I tried to please others. With much effort, help and healing my view of self has become more clear and, more often than not, is seen accurately now. In forgiving and accepting myself I befriended “the beast” thereby allowing love to replace my self-contempt.  I am grateful for the life lessons learned that allows the first real happiness of my life.

The greatest achievement is selflessness.
The greatest worth is self-mastery.
The greatest quality is seeking to serve others.
The greatest precept is continual awareness.
The greatest medicine is the emptiness of everything.
The greatest action is not conforming with the worlds ways.
The greatest magic is transmuting the passions.
The greatest generosity is non-attachment.
The greatest goodness is a peaceful mind.
The greatest patience is humility.
The greatest effort is not concerned with results.
The greatest meditation is a mind that let’s go.
The greatest wisdom is seeing through appearances.
 Atisha

Think Low and Think High

/ James Browning

All my adult life I have bumped into conclusions made logically by scientists and researchers that say a person’s creativity peaks when they are young. There is no real consensus on how young this happens. Hypotheses vary from those who say eighteen months to others asserting peak creativity happens around twelve just before puberty.

The theories are that creativity is at its highest level when young while we “don’t know better” and have not been conditioned by reason and conformity. This way of thinking says in order to coexist with other people we learn to follow the rules and adhere to certain values (which are usually more about what you can’t do that what you can).  The result is creativity has to be placed into a straight-jacketed so we can follow what has already been instead of reinventing our worlds every day like a child does. Growing up we are taught to be polite and nice to people, to fit in, to adhere to what is “normal” (whatever that is!) and not scare others with our creative thoughts.

At least to a degree schools are conformity camps that, in varying degrees, attempt to drill what is conventional and customary into kids. While learning about life skills like readin’, writin’ and ‘rithmetic we also get smart-stepped into doing mostly what others do and have done. Generally we are taught there is one acceptable, true way of thinking and there is most often only one right answer for a problem (the one the teacher believes). Largely we end up being awarded for writing well, following instructions and regurgitating facts, figures and formulas and NOT for creative and lateral thinking. We are taught to rarely, if ever, question the wisdom and supreme knowledge of teachers and professors.

Research has now begun to show in adulthood we usually do lose a great deal of our creativity but it is more by choice than the cognitive fading that comes with age. The number one culprit falls under the heading of ‘use it or lose it’; we simply stop trying to be creative. We begin to do things one way, we get comfortable, don’t change and settle into easy to follow and relatively mindless ruts.

Habits are not the only things that hide away our creativity.  Falling into the ‘expert trap’ obscures it too. ‘Experts’ usually spend more time defending their “hill” than questioning it or developing other approaches. It is easy to become “all-knowing” on a subject and fall into the habit of allowing knowledge make one feel obliged to it.

Eureka! Before all my middle-aged friends begin to wring their hands in “lack of creativity anguish” I want to turn what I have written so far upside down and include material from an article in Psychology Today By Shelly Carson, PhD called “Creativity and the Aging Brain”. She wrote: In a recent study… the University of Toronto found that older participants were… more distractible than their younger counterparts. However, members of this older, distractible group were also better able to use the distracting information to solve problems presented later in the study.

Dr. Carson goes on to tell about other studies on aging and cognition that suggest an aging brain is marked by a broadening focus of attention. She says this lines up with numerous other studies that suggest that a broadly focused state of attention is a trait found in almost all highly creative people. The data suggest widened attention allows one to separate and distinguish quickly all sorts of varying information. Combining remote bits of information is the hallmark of the creative idea, Dr. Carson writes.

Still other credible research shows that the parts of the brain concerning self-consciousness and emotions are thinner in the aging brain which lines up with a diminished need to please and impress others. Dr. Carson calls this, a notable characteristic of both aging individuals and creative luminaries. She goes on to say, both older individuals and creative types are more willing to speak their minds and disregard social expectations than are their younger, more conventional counterparts.

In pondering the subject of creativity and reading about it, my conclusion is older people have a storehouse of knowledge gained from living, learning and experience. Taking bits of that knowledge and seeing them in new and original ways is what a creative brain does. The only barrier to being an older creative type is simply habits and ruts.

Highly fertile ground for deeply creative activity exists in my aging brain. To have more creativity all I need to do is throw off old ways of thinking and allow new ones to come in. That thought will send me out into the world today with a happily altered view and a grateful (and hopefully more creative) mind!

Think left and think right
and think low and think high.
Oh, the thinks you can think up
if only you try!
Dr. Seuss

Shut Up and Dance

/ James Browning

My DVR is one of my most appreciated gizmos.  Every week or two I surf through listings on the movie channels I subscribe and pick out a few films showing in the future and record a few; saved for when I can get around to them.  Frequently, my searching brings me across a film I have never heard of that catches my attention due to the plot description, the subject matter, actors and actresses or some combination of these factors.

“Evening” is just such a movie.  Critics and most viewers panned the film and I can understand why.  One really has to have a very still mind and be open to the message contained within it.  This is NOT a movie intended to idly entertain those who view it.  One has to be able to relate personally in some manner to enjoy…actually ‘enjoy’ is the wrong word.. to appreciate the message of the movie.

Actress Vanessa Redgrave, at seventy years old, delivers an amazing (at least to me!) performance of a woman near death remembering bits and pieces of her romantic past and dealing with the emotional present of her daughters. As her character lays dying, she relives and is moved to convey to her daughters, the defining moments in her life 50+ years prior.

The full cast is impressive and makes the movie all the more believable.  Claire Danes, Natasha Richardson, Meryl Streep, Glenn Close, Barry Bostwick, Toni Collette and more contribute to making the story feel “real” to me. Far from being just a romantic love story, what is told on screen is a bit too gritty and realistic to be even close to a “chick flick”.  Instead it is a moving piece about life and a thinker’s movie that leaves one with a message.  What I got from it is: There are no mistakes; there is only life.  No matter whether we do good or bad or what kind of choices are made, it is still life.  And life is never a mistake.

For my way of thinking Goldie Hawn said something akin to the message of “Evening”: The lotus is the most beautiful flower, whose petals open one by one. But it will only grow in the mud. In order to grow and gain wisdom, first you must have the mud — the obstacles of life and its suffering. … The mud speaks of the common ground that humans share, no matter what our stations in life. … Whether we have it all or we have nothing, we are all faced with the same obstacles: sadness, loss, illness, dying and death.

A poem by Naomi Shihab Nye called “Kindness” also contains a similar message in these words I have selected from it to include here:

you must lose things,
feel the future dissolve in a moment
like salt in a weakened broth.
What you held in your hand,
what you counted and carefully saved,
all this must go so you know
how desolate the landscape can be
between the regions of kindness.

Before you know kindness as the deepest thing inside,
you must know sorrow as the other deepest thing.
You must wake up with sorrow.
You must speak to it till your voice
catches the thread of all sorrows
and you see the size of the cloth.

Ultimately seeing the film “Evening”, reading Goldie Hawn’s quote once again and letting Nye’s words sink in mentally all bring me back to the same place:  there are no mistakes, there is only life.  Everything that happens, good, bad or indifferent” is “my life”  and to be embraced with gratitude.

By loving the best and joyous along with most painful and difficult is how I have found a measure of peace, contentment and ease for living my days.  Far from some mystic know it all who lives in constant bliss, I am just a man doing the best he can who is grateful for his life and all that is within it!  As best I possibly can I endeavor to do what the character Buddy in “Evening” says, Shut up and dance.

The gem cannot be polished without friction,
nor man be perfected without trials.
Danish Proverb

Most of Them Never Happened

/ James Browning

There is a guy in this 30’s I work with who is quite a cynic but calls himself a “realist”.  A few days ago in conversation I said to him “realist is just another name for a pessimist”.  He is the sort that often finds things to be down about or else he anticipates something of the sort will come his way.  Reflecting later on what I had said, the feeling was a bit of research is in order.  I began by looking through definitions for pessimist, realist and optimist.

Pessimist:  tendency to stress the negative or unfavorable or to take the gloomiest possible view.  The doctrine or belief that this is the worst of all possible worlds and that all things ultimately tend toward evil.  A pessimist is someone who is rarely disappointed, but sadly, very rarely pleasantly surprised.

Realist:  do not see the glass as half empty or half full, but see what’s exactly in the glass.  Rarely try to make a bad situation seem better than it is, but also never sabotage any good things going on.  Realists are brutally honest in assessments of situations – and this seems to help them cope.

Optimist: expects a favorable outcome.  The tendency to expect the best, look for good in all things and have hopefulness of the ultimate triumph of good over evil while believing this is the best of all possible worlds. The state of being cheerful or hopeful about the future and about the world around you.

William Arthur Ward pointed out his view of the differences between the three when he said The pessimist complains about the wind; The optimist expects it to change; The realist adjusts the sails.  Another related thought is a pessimist is a misunderstood realist, who would like to visit the planet optimists live on, but wouldn’t like to live there.

Optimist is fairly easy to get a grasp on. In trying to get further separation between realist and pessimist I came across the statement “hyper-realism and pessimism are the same thing” and that rings true to me.  I ended up with a clear view of optimism but thinking that the boundary between realism and pessimism is a very thin one and has mostly to do with how strongly a person’s attitude leans positive or negative.

Researchers believe that a pessimistic attitude might negatively affect health. Studies conducted in the Netherlands around fifteen years ago point to a probable link between pessimism and heart disease. The studies followed over 900 Dutch citizens from ages 65 to 85 over the six-year period. Each participant was ranked on a scale of optimism and pessimism. The study found that 30.4% of the optimistic participants died during the study period, compared to 56.5% of the pessimistic participants.

And there’s more.  In a study of 99 Harvard University students, those who were optimists at age 25 were significantly healthier at ages 45 and 60 than those who were pessimists. Other studies have linked pessimistic thinking with higher rates of infectious disease, poor health, and earlier mortality.

Optimists seem to have it best.  They don’t give up as easily as pessimists. They also tend to experience less stress than pessimists or realists. Because they believe in themselves and their abilities, they expect good things to happen. Optimists see negative events as setbacks to be overcome, and view positive events as evidence of further good things to come.

Optimistic people, get sick less often, they are more successful in their careers, they make more money, they’re happier and they tend to live longer. When it comes down to it, positive, optimistic people are happier and healthier, and enjoy more success than those who think negatively. The key difference between is how they think about and interpret the events in their life.

Positive and negative thoughts can become self-fulfilling prophecies: What I expect can often come true. If I start off thinking I will mess up a task, the chances are that I will. I may not try hard enough to succeed, I won’t attract support from other people, and I may not perceive any results as good enough.

Generally speaking the American public divides itself with an approximate split of 50% optimistic, 40% realistic and 10% pessimistic.  It’s important to note that psychology has proven that about 50% of our happiness levels are set at birth by our genes.  That leaves the other 50% within our control.  Anybody can learn to be more optimistic and thus happier if they want to.

If you will call your troubles experiences, and remember that every experience develops some latent force within you, you will grow vigorous and happy, however adverse your circumstances may seem to be is a quote from John Heywood I agree with completely.  Through application of such thinking to my approach to life there has been a dramatically positive shift for me within the last ten years.

I  realize now my friend at work is probably a true realist who is fairly neutral about things most of the time. Once upon a time I identified myself as a “realist” also but was actually a pessimist who could not admit it to myself or anyone else.   Today I choose to be  optimistic and am grateful for the goodness that approach brings.  It was in deciding not to dwell on negative things ahead of time, and not “borrow trouble” as my grandmother used to call it, that brought a true change. Mark Twain summed it up in a sentence:  I’ve known a great many troubles, and most of them never happened.  I am a recovering realist, who today leans toward being an optimist.  I am thankful for how much better such a view makes life!

A man is but the product of his thoughts.
What he thinks, he becomes.
Mahatma Gandhi

Blessed Are They…

/ James Browning

Codependency is a behavior pattern in which a person tends to form unhealthy relationships. People like me who have engaged in codependent behavior almost always appear to place the needs and desires of other people before their own. These other people often have unresolved emotional issues and sometimes addictions which the codependent person tries to repair, ignore or avoid. That is certainly true with me as I often picked people who needed “fixing”.

Ironically, the source of codependency isn’t about other people – it’s about the relationship with one’s self. Generally this manifests in things like insecurity, deficient self-confidence and even self-loathing. At the core of it all is a scarcity of self-love. Within that condition I spent many years feeling “less than” and that I didn’t measure up. I hid those feelings well and they were rarely noticed by anyone.

One of the tendencies of codependency is difficulty accepting gifts. When someone gives me something, that gift is far from unappreciated. Actually I am thankful beyond my ability to express gratitude. It’s a conflicted feeling of unworthiness in one sense, yet being hugely grateful at the same moment. Talk about bewildering!

Gifts received with difficulty are not just tangible items, but compliments and pats on the back as well. The latter two can be especially hard to accept with a tendency to deflect the good that has been expressed in my direction. At the least there is often some sort of discounting expressed. An example is someone saying to me “you did a great job on that project” with my reply being “no big deal” or “most anyone could have done it”. Receiving positive feedback is highly prized within me but even today I am uncomfortable receiving it. However I have learned to just say “thank you” even though I often blush a little when I do.

There is a tradition in most 12-Step groups to celebrate the annual anniversary of a when a person first got into recovery. Codependents Anonymous is no exception. A brass coin is given which is first “charged” with a few encouraging comments said by each group member one at a time while holding the coin.

The date marking the end of my fourth year was last October, but when it came up in the group to award my coin I always found some excuse to put off the award. I’d say I wanted to make sure “so and so” was at the meeting or something of the sort. Of course I always picked someone who rarely came to the meetings any more as my way of putting it off.

Why I kept dragging my feet on the simple little celebration of my anniversary was simple: Listening to good things said about me on other “recovery birthdays” embarrassed me. I LOVED HEARING THEM but reception of those “gifts of love in words” from the group members conflicted with the conditioning of codependence of not being “worthy”.

Last night almost six months after I should have been open to receiving my 4th year coin I opened up and allowed the group to present it to me. It helped that a relative newcomer to the group also received a coin earlier in the meeting. Somehow my not being the only one deflected enough of my dysfunction to allow me to open up and accept the “gifts” others spoke to me.

Such kindness and love expressed toward me last night brought fidgeting, teared up eyes and even a red face of positive embarrassment more than one. The latter coming from the simple fact that it is still hard to imagine that people like and respect me as much as they said. Yet, I know all spoke honest words from their heart. A day latter the joy still dances in me for the sincere people who said such loving things to me. The little boy who rarely if ever got such praise as a child is happily frolicking within today. I am grateful beyond words to my Wednesday Codependence Anonymous group!

Blessed are they who see beautiful things
in humble places where other people see nothing.
Camille Pissarro

We Are All Meant to Shine

/ James Browning

For the first time since my twenties not long ago I went through a period as a renter instead of a home owner.  This was a part of the chaos created by a very difficult divorce which took a long time to work through mentally, emotionally and financially.  After over 4 years things settled to where I was able to purchase a house and I happily moved in where I live now just about this time last year.

The period of change, heartache and growth turned out to be the greatest bringer of gratitude so far in my life. If one is paying attention, lack has a tendency to bring appreciation when times of plenty arrive again. And so it is with my new home. There is much determination within not to ever lose this ‘attitude of gratitude’ within me now!

There is a saying by an unknown author that states enjoy the little things in life, for one day you may look back and realize they were the big things.  Being blessed to own my home in the past for over 25 years I had begun to take the ability to be the owner of one for granted.  In the lack, the not being able to have one, I learned a whole new way of appreciating.  A few weeks short of a year ago, soon after I moved into my new place, I began this blog:  goodmorninggratitude.com.  In 21 days I will have written here EVERY day for one full year.

What I have discovered is gratitude can be cultivated.  With a bit of focus and a little practice results can be brought about that are mind-blowing.  Studies have shown growing a sense of gratitude helps one maintain a more positive mood in daily life and contribute to greater emotional well-being. Over and over research has shown cultivating gratitude is one of the simpler routes to a greater sense of emotional well-being, higher overall life satisfaction, and a greater sense of happiness in life. I know for an absolute fact this is true.

Spiritual activist Marianne Williamson said Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented and fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There’s nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It’s not just in some of us; it’s in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we’re liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.  

That quote by Ms. Williamson causes me to read it two or three times on every occasion I come across it.  Her words are so deeply meaningful on a personal level.  At one point I printed them out and hung the page on my fridge where it stayed for two years.  There were many “down” days as I worked through the painful divorce, emotional recovery and becoming financially stable again.  For a long while so much was moving away from me it took a long time to reverse the direction so what I needed was moving in my direction.  My discovery most of all is my state of mind had all to do with what I was attracting and in what quantity.

Henry Ward Beecher described the way of being I had to arrive at before my life began to move forward.  He wrote the unthankful heart… discovers no mercies; but let the thankful heart sweep through the day and, as the magnet finds the iron, so it will find, in every hour, some heavenly blessings!

So here I am five years later after being served divorce papers in the airport as I arrived then finding I had been locked out (OK, thrown out) of the home I owned and lived in.  Read about that day here link.  I hope never to feel the panic, loss of direction and pain I experienced that day and those that followed.  In spite of it all, I will be always grateful for what the agony and strife taught me.

The photo at the top is of a huge wisteria vine that is on a large arbor over my back patio.  I learned from a neighbor the plant is almost 40 years old.  The main two trunks from the ground are almost five inches around!  For many years emotionally and mentally I was inside like the wisteria vine in winter:  alive with little to show for it.  Today I am more like the photo at the top taken a week ago of the wisteria vine in the full glory of spring-flowering.  To look at it is to get a sense of what is blooming inside me.  To have come from where I was to be where I am is nothing short of a miracle.  I am deeply thankful.

The world has enough beautiful mountains and meadows,
spectacular skies and serene lakes.
It has enough lush forests, flowered fields and sandy beaches.
It has plenty of stars
and the promise of a new sunrise and sunset every day.
What the world needs more of is people to appreciate and enjoy it.
Michael Josephson