Overcoming Obstacles

Worth the Risk

/ James Browning

ship_storm SIZED

Once in a while a thought comes so strong it blocks out all other thinking temporarily. Even when I move on to other considerations and ideas, the over-riding concept blazes back into my mind frequently.

It was scary as hell when I was deliberating about walking away from my profession with no concrete thought of what was next. There was a dumpster of cranky inquiries as my ego fought the possibility.

What happens if your hopes don’t come true?
What if you run out of money?
What if you’re wrong?
What if others think you are crazy?
What if you want back in and no one wants you?
When are you going to start this new life?
When will you know if you’ve done the right thing or not?
Why do you think you’ll succeed at something new?
Why do you really want to do quit your career?

Five when’s and a pair of when’s and why’s are only the beginning of the consternation I want through. Ultimately there was no logic to walking away from a successful career of decades. Rather it was a feeling in my heart and gut that I just had to. I would suffocate emotionally if I kept on doing the same thing and denying myself a chance at other aspirations. Finally I just said “F’ it”. I know this is what I need to do, although I can’t explain it to anyone else.

Even if no one is watching you, lighting out for new, unmarked territories is terrifying. “We impute a lot of power to the unknown, because it was life-threatening for much of human history… Putting that fear in its proper perspective can help. You are probably not going to fall down a ravine or get eaten by a lion if you move to the opposite coast.”

… the human spirit wants to break out of habitual constraints. Studies confirm… We tend to regret the things we didn’t try more than those we did—even when we fail. http://www.psychologytoday.com/articles/200611/you-20

Don’t ask me to explain why I resigned years before my planned retirement. I can’t tell you why the desire to travel the world, weeks at a time, burns so hot in my soul. Where I got the idea I could be a writer I am clueless. There is no logic to walking away from a flourishing professional life when all I have are dreams.

And there was the answer. Screw logic and follow your heart! Stop paying so much attention to you mind.

My conclusion became I will find a new path as long as I am speeding 100 miles down the old one. So here I am uncertain, but joyful; a bit perplexed but happy. I cast the lines off and am sailing into what I hope is a ‘new world’. I am grateful for the fortitude and belief in myself that made my new expedition possible. I am worth the risk!

I wondered about the explorers who’d sailed their ships
to the end of the world. How terrified they must have been
when they risked falling over the edge; how amazed
to discover, instead, places they had seen only in their dreams.
Jodi Picoult

As Simple and Difficult As That

/ James Browning

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A Search…
People spend a lifetime searching for happiness; looking for peace. They chase idle dreams, addictions, religions, even other people, hoping to fill the emptiness that plagues them. The irony is the only place they ever needed to search was within. Romana L. Anderson

A Hope…
Everyone has a moment in history which belongs particularly to him. It is the moment when his emotions achieve their most powerful sway over him, and afterward when you say to this person “the world today” or “life” or “reality” he will assume that you mean this moment, even if it is fifty years past. The world, through his unleashed emotions, imprinted itself upon him, and he carries the stamp of that passing moment forever. John Knowles

A Path…
One of the reasons why we crave love, and seek it so desperately, is that love is the only cure for loneliness, and shame, and sorrow. But some feelings sink so deep into the heart that only loneliness can help you find them again. Some truths about yourself are so painful that only shame can help you live with them. And some things are just so sad that only your soul can do the crying for you. Gregory David Roberts

A Gift…
She talked about wanting to be a part of something, wanting to be desired, to be ‘special’, craving to be loved. She talked about experiencing the kind of loneliness so immense it could swallow you up. She called it ‘loneliness that crowds couldn’t cure’. Cupcake Brown

This morning thumbing through quotes for inspiration, I found four that connected so well they spoke what I was wanting to say when I connected them. (Search) The hunt to be more fully connected to my truest self, (Hope) the desire to live more completely in the moment, (Path) the aspiration to feel the full breadth and scope of my emotions and (Gift) the dream of letting romantic love into my heart again.

An architect creates a plan to guide the builder. The builder uses the plan to direct construction. The foreman focuses the labor. And the title-holder receives the benefit. For my life, I am all four: Architect, Builder, Laborer and Title Holder. Only by taking ownership of all four and believing in the guidance of something bigger than me can my needs, hopes and dreams find reality. Create, build, work and believe. It’s as simple and difficult as that.

We dream to give ourselves hope.
To stop dreaming – well, that’s like
saying you can never change your fate.
From “The Hundred Secret Senses”
by Amy Tan

Light Into the Darkness

/ James Browning

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I thought depression had mostly been put behind me. Things were looking up. Reclaiming my life for my complete own was arriving. I was happier than I have been in a long time ever. Having reduced my stress load and been true to my hopes it seemed I had outrun depression. But the little monster was always running behind waiting for me to stop looking over my shoulder so it could sneak up on me.

The brand of depression I wrestle with is far from the worst kind. Mine cycles in and out coming for a few days now and again. Once again I have been reminded there is no cure. All I can do rely on the methods that work to fight it off making its duration as short as possible and its intensity no more than it has to be.

How do I fight depression? Being with people I care about. Reading. Making myself get up and do things. Listening to music. Watching a movie. Taking naps. Spending time outside. Going for a walk. Writing down what I feel. The most important thing is to do something and not just sit and lay around!

Most of the time being depressed sneaks up on me. Something Elizabeth Gilbert wrote describes how my depression comes: “When you’re lost in those woods, it sometimes takes you a while to realize that you are lost. For the longest time, you can convince yourself that you’ve just wandered off the path, that you’ll find your way back to the trailhead any moment now. Then night falls again and again, and you still have no idea where you are, and it’s time to admit that you have bewildered yourself so far off the path that you don’t even know from which direction the sun rises anymore.”

The greatest weapon I have against being depressed is remembering it only lasts for a little while and passes. If I pay good attention each bout almost always teaches me something.

Why do you want to shut out of your life any uneasiness, any misery, any depression, since after all you don’t know what work these conditions are doing inside you? Why do you want to persecute yourself with the question of where all this is coming from and where it is going? Since you know, after all, that you are in the midst of transitions and you wished for nothing so much as to change. If there is anything unhealthy in your reactions, just bear in mind that sickness is the means by which an organism frees itself from what is alien; so one must simply help it to be sick, to have its whole sickness and to break out with it, since that is the way it gets better. Ranier Maria Rilke

It feels almost unnatural to attempt to find gratefulness for the depression that is upon me, but in my effort the shadow is already growing lighter just with this writing. I refuse to suffer in secret anymore. As the veil lifts over the next day or two as it always does, I will hold on tightly with gratitude to the knowing that it has been such times that hallowed me to be able to contain the depth of feeling I am capable of.

Don’t think about all those things you fear,
Just be glad to be here.
From the song “Hayling”
by FC Kahuna

Soft, Spongy, Rigid or Flexible?

/ James Browning

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Life is change, but it’s common to think otherwise until jolted out of a comfort zone. Right now emotions are pulling me to extremes. At one end, at a considerably younger age than most I will be semi-retired in thirty days and completely in six months . What’s ahead for me is invigorating and exciting. At the other extreme, where I work is being sold and the vast majority of employees are being let go. Inwardly I feel good. My future is bright. Outwardly I am surrounded by fear, uncertainty and disappointment, even anger in some of those I work with.

All I can do is be compassionate and sensitive to my co-workers even though I am not going through what they are going through. It’s hard. So easily it is to commiserate and fall into thinking that mirrors theirs in an attempt to be empathetic. Using what I have learned about keeping good boundaries is saving me a great deal of anguish, yet allowing me to kind and thoughtful to others.

Personal boundaries are guidelines, rules or limits that a person creates to identify for him or herself what are reasonable, safe and permissible ways for other people to behave around him or her and how he or she will respond when someone steps outside those limits. Wikipedia

Dr. Nina W. Brown is a professor in the Department of Counseling and Human Services at Old Dominion University. She believes there are four types of boundaries:

Soft – A person with soft boundaries merges with other people’s boundaries. Someone with a soft boundary is easily manipulated.

Spongy – A person with spongy boundaries is like a combination of having soft and rigid boundaries. They permit less emotional contagion than soft boundaries but more than rigid. People with spongy boundaries are unsure of what to let in and what to keep out.

Rigid – A person with rigid boundaries is closed or walled off so nobody can get close to him/her either physically or emotionally. This is often the case if someone has been physically, emotionally, psychologically or sexually abused. Rigid boundaries can be selective which depend on time, place or circumstances and are usually based on a bad previous experience in a similar situation.

Flexible – Similar to selective rigid boundaries but the person has more control. The person decides what to let in and what to keep out, is resistant to emotional contagion and manipulation, and is difficult to exploit.

Once upon a time my boundaries were definitely somewhere between ‘Soft’ and ‘Spongy’ although I hid my feelings behind a stoically ‘Rigid’ wall most of the time. Often then a boundary would be violated while I gritted my teeth and did not allow the hurt and discomfort to show.

Today I take good care of me. I step away quickly from most hurtful situations and encounters. I speak up for myself with all the kindness I can muster when someone steps over the line and into my ‘space’ with their words or actions. And I am quick to apologize and make amends when I find myself in violation of someone’s boundaries. Gratefully, now I can best be described as having healthy ‘Flexible’ boundaries. For my friends, peers and teachers who helped me learn this way of being I will be eternally grateful.

People who violate
your boundaries
are thieves.
They steal time
that doesn’t belong to them.
Elizabeth Grace Saunders

Completely Illogical

/ James Browning

Misty_Morning_Bridge_Wallpaper__yvt2If you can do it, should do it, and want to do it, what are you waiting for? Many things in life that we excuse or misplace blame for are not created by what we do but by what we fail to do. Maybe we just procrastinate and just don’t get around to action. Or maybe it’s just a thought, something that we think would be nice to do, but we just aren’t serious about it.

What keeps us from action? Some possible answers come from my own experience. One excuse is that we just can’t seem to find the time. That won’t wash. Whatever we do in life, we have found or made time for. Final choices are matters of priority, and sometimes we don’t prioritize well.

Fear is an obvious cause of inaction. There are many kinds of fear that cause inaction.
Fear of failure.
Fear of being different or out-of-step.
Fear of rejection.
Even fear of success.
Fear of failure arises from self-doubt. We may think we don’t know enough, don’t have enough time or energy, or lack ability, resources, and help. The cure for such fear is to learn what is needed, make the time, pump ourselves up emotionally so we will have the energy, hone our relevant skill set, and hustle for resources and help. These things can be demanding. It is no wonder there are so many things we can, should, and want to do but don’t do.

All our life, beginning with school, we are conditioned to consider failure as a bad thing. But failure is often a good, even necessary, thing. The ratio between failures and successes for any given person is rather stable. Thus, if you want more successes, you need to make more failures. Even the corporate world recognizes this principle, and the most innovative companies practice it. Jeff Dyer, in his book The Innovator’s DNA, says the key to business success is to “fail often, fail fast, fail cheap.” It’s o.k. to fail, as long as you learn from it.

Fear of being different often arises from personal insecurity and lack of confidence. These are crippling emotions and one’s life can never be fully actualized until they are overcome. This comes to the matter of self-esteem. The thing many people don’t realize is that self-esteem has two quite distinct components: self-worth and self-confidence. Self-worth is given (by being valued and loved by others, by God). Self-confidence cannot be given − it has to be earned. People who lack the confidence to “put themselves on the line” deny themselves opportunities to enjoy the fruits of success. Their life becomes a vicious cycle that begins with lack of confidence, lack of agency, lack of success, and increased justification not to be confident.

If we are different, the in-crowd may reject us. Rejection is certainly depressing. Nobody in his right mind wants to be depressed. But no life can be fulfilling when it is lived to satisfy the opinions others may have of us. We need to be true to ourselves, to trust in our values and standards. So, when life offers you the chance to do something you can, should, and want to do, just DO IT! Taken from an article by William R. Klemm, D.V.M, Ph.D. http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/memory-medic/201303/just-do-it-0

It still blows me away how delightful it feels to be honestly, and with fervor, seeking my hopes and dreams. They were denied for so long for many logical reasons, but logic is a single black and white dimension without shape. Many of the finest elements of life are completely illogical such as love, beauty and faith. To have grown to become confident and self-assured enough to defy logic and allow contentment instead is truly a gift; one I am grateful for.

It is not because things are difficult
that we do not dare,
it is because we do not dare
that they are difficult.
Lucius Annaeus Seneca

Fitting In

/ James Browning

wichita-fitting-in

In high school, everything revolves around “fitting in.” Adolescents are basically children in bigger bodies (with some hormones sprinkled in). If one does not fit in, one does not get to play in all the reindeer games. It’s lonely not to be allowed to join in with the others, and no one wants to be lonely.

About two weeks into their freshman year, most high school students figure out that the more they “fit in,” the greater the benefits and privileges — and this makes it much easier to get all those things they need to feel like they matter… to feel loved. They wear the same clothes, they “hang out” in the same spots, they talk the same, they act the same . . . and, as a result, there is very little tension among them. Something for everyone; and most everyone ends up finding the clique that’s right for them.

Soon, however, all the students discover that, no matter how well things are going in the clique, they still feel like they don’t “fit in” because their clique isn’t accepted by everyone else or because not everything about them fits into the clique – if they were really showing all of themselves to those around them.

Even the most popular kids feel lonely much of the time because being popular means they have to hide a lot of who they really are from other people. They know, on one level or another, that the reason they are so well liked by so many people is because most of the people don’t really know them at all — they only see the outer persona (the image of something that may or may not exist within the person behind the mask). So, they live in fear much of the time – fear that the other kids will find out their secret… that they are not perfect.

The point of all this is that most of us are not in high school anymore. We’re out here in the “real world” trying to earn a living, find and keep mates, take care of families, and more. These are extremely challenging and time-consuming (and often frustrating) tasks to accomplish. And, on top of all of that, we’re also trying to find purpose and meaning for our lives . . . to be happy, to find joy, and more. We need to experience all of these aspects of being human to find peace and to find fulfillment – to feel complete.

What we have discovered, however, is that being grown up is even harder than being in high school! But, we learn and grow with the passage of time and experience. Eventually, we begin to take our lives into our own hands, even if it means not always fitting in. That’s when things really start getting interesting.

The older and wiser we become, the more we realize that accomplishing all of these worthwhile goals involves a whole lot of letting go of the things that allow us to “fit in” with the majority. And that isn’t always easy. In fact, it’s pretty darn hard. It means becoming more self-aware and identifying those aspects of our egos… it means facing the fears that inhibit us; it means accepting ourselves and other people, regardless of differences and imperfections; and it means finding the courage and strength to be the person we want to be, even if that person doesn’t get to be the king or queen of the prom. By Sloan http://tamingtheinvisibledragon.com/2012/08/07/being-the-person-you-want-to-be-self-esteem-fitting-in/

It is not that I don’t care what others think of me, it’s that I don’t care very much. I am not completely immune to the desire to fit in, but such wants are far down the list underneath needs such as “happiness”, “contentment”, “peace of mind” and “a life lived well”. Simply my attitude is “I hope you like me, but if you don’t that’s your loss”. I am grateful to care, but not that much, about what others think of me. I am far more interested about “fitting in” with my ideals and hopes for myself.

Nothing we can do can change the past,
but everything we do changes the future.
Marcus Aurelius

The Pain that Motivates Us to Change

/ James Browning

2012-07-18_14-47-53_200-1EDITForgive yourself for everything that was and start living for tomorrow. Create the destiny that you truly know you’re capable of.

The power to create the best you and the best life possible for tomorrow is in this moment. You can find the strength within to use the key of forgiveness to let go of the past and move into the future with a new perspective and an abundant appreciation for this fresh start. You have the opportunity to create an outcome for your life that’s of your choosing.

This is true no matter what your current situation. Say, for instance, you’re aware that you’re an alcoholic, a drug addict, a compulsive gambler, or an abusive person, but you’ve decided that you don’t want that. Forgive yourself by accepting that you’re capable of making changes, and then take control. Use the power of your mind to say:

I’m strong. I do deserve a new start. It’s okay to be me. It’s okay to have had my experiences. I accept that this is how I’ve lived, and I’m aware of how it has affected me. I forgive myself now for living that life, and I choose to never go back to it. I will break the patterns and cycles of the past.

You’re not letting yourself off the hook and telling yourself that it’s okay to be an alcoholic, a drug addict, a compulsive gambler, or an abusive person. You’re not giving yourself permission to do any of that again, believing it doesn’t matter. What you are doing is letting yourself know that the past is over and it’s okay for you to have experienced what you did because you learned your lesson. Now that it’s completely understood, you’re never going back there again. You’re not going to repeat these patterns. You’ve changed, and it’s okay to move on.

You can be happy with yourself. You can enjoy peace because you choose to no longer be controlled by your ego. It’s okay to be you. It’s good to love and forgive yourself for everything that was and start living for tomorrow. Create the destiny that you truly know you’re capable of.

You can become the person you want to be. You can change—if you do the work. Even if you’ve been very negative and hurtful, you can choose to transform and not be like that any longer. You can become a committed, honest, loving, compassionate individual; you never have to go back and re-create negativity in your life or the lives of others. Tell yourself:

I no longer live in that mind-set. I no longer think those thoughts. I’m no longer controlled by my ego’s presence. I forgive myself for negative choices of the past by living in honesty today. I now choose to live in truth.

What does it mean to live in truth? It means to live honestly at all levels. It’s not just about what you say; it’s about thoughts, actions, and the way you live. This involves authenticity—to live in alignment with who you know your true self to be. What you’ll receive is very empowering. You become free to live and explore the truth of who you really are as you move toward the future. You’re at liberty to change, develop, and go further in you own life within your own true spirit and mind. Excerpted from The Keys: Open the Door to True Empowerment and Infinite Possibilities by Denise Marek and Sharon Quirt. ©2009 (Hay House) http://www.healyourlife.com/author-denise-marek/2010/03/wisdom/personal-growth/put-past-mistakes-behind-you

I am a living example that lasting change in attitude and true desire for change can be permanently life altering. In more ways that I could ever fully explain, practicing what is included in the article above works. I am grateful it does!

We change our behavior
when the pain of staying the same
becomes greater than the pain of changing.
Consequences give us the pain
that motivates us to change.
Henry Cloud

Backwards Wishing

/ James Browning

3005147-poster-1960-caught-stress-spiral-innovate-your-day-8-minutes-ready-set-pauseYou’ll know that you are no longer self-righteous the day you drop the romantic notion that if only your seventh grade teacher could see you now, she would be proud of you. Say goodbye to her. You don’t need her approval anymore. From now on, you are on your own.

Last night after patiently pondering those words from “The Art of Imperfection” by Veronique Vienne, a light went off in my head. Well, it was actually more of a long sigh of relief after a small cleansing epiphany that is now with me to stay.

First, I agreed there are a couple of teachers I have wished could see me now. That admission was quickly followed with a mental list of former lovers, classmates, past co-workers, lost friends, departed family and such, who at one time or another, I have “wished could see me now”. The realization alone that I could let go of that sort of “backwards wishing” lightened the emotional baggage I tote around by at least a few pounds.

I have learned that if you must leave a place that you have lived in and loved and where all your yesteryears are buried deep, leave it any way except a slow way, leave it the fastest way you can. Never turn back and never believe that an hour you remember is a better hour because it is dead. Passed years seem safe ones, vanquished ones, while the future lives in a cloud, formidable from a distance. From West with the Night” by Beryl Markham

Beginning to let go of “wishing they could see me now” is a healthy step toward letting go “backwards thinking” of other types such as “wish she was still in love with me” or “wish I hadn’t made that mistake”. Loosening my tight grip on this sort of emotional debris has begun to let me see what is underneath them. I am discovering hiding behind my ‘wishing’ is always either shame or regret. Those parasites start to fade a little when I face their roots head on. Knowing what I know now, there is no turning back. I am grateful for my adjusted perspective that will make it so.

Take it from me:
If you hear the past speaking to you,
feel it tugging up your back
and running its fingers up your spine,
the best thing to do.
the only thing, is run.
Lauren Oliver

Why the Sadness Passes

/ James Browning

the_stillness_of_march_by_nelleke-d5h14q9It seems to me that almost all our sadnesses are moments of tension, which we feel as paralysis because we no longer hear our astonished emotions living.

Because we are alone with the unfamiliar presence that has entered us;
because everything we trust and are used to is for a moment taken away from us;
because we stand in the midst of a transition where we cannot remain standing.

That is why the sadness passes:
the new presence inside us,
the presence that has been added,
has entered our heart,
has gone into its innermost chamber
and is no longer even there;
is already in our bloodstream.
And we don’t know what it was.

We could easily be made to believe that nothing happened,
yet we have changed, as a house that a guest has entered changes.

We can’t say who has come, perhaps we will never know, but many signs indicate that the future enters us in this way in order to be transformed in us, long before it happens.

And that is why it is so important to be solitary and attentive when one is sad:
because the seemingly uneventful and motionless moment when our future steps into us is so much closer to life than that other loud and accidental point of time when it happens to us as if from outside.

The quieter we are, the more patient and open we are in our sadnesses, the more deeply and serenely the new presence can enter us, and the more we can make it our own, the more it becomes our fate. Rainer Maria Rilke

Rising whole and feeling well after a few days of moderate depression, I can find gratitude for those few days of monochrome life. Learning to use such times as a way of contrast to better days has greatly enhanced the good. And so today with much gratefulness I go into my day feeling contented, happy and a little stronger from enduring another little storm.

If you do not believe that hearts can bloom suddenly bigger,
and that love can open like a flower out of even the hardest places,
then I am afraid that for you the road will be long and brown and barren,
and you will have trouble finding the light.
But if you DO believe, then you already know all about magic.
From “Liesl & Po” by Lauren Oliver

Live In the Layers, Not On the Litter

/ James Browning

59325Six hundred and fifty-seven days I have been here to post a thought, a photo or a borrowed contemplation about gratitude. Through business travel, vacations and even illness my faithfulness to my self-assigned daily task never wavered for over a year and nine months. Until yesterday… when travel problems invaded my unbroken string.

A return home from a business trip should have allowed arrival in my home city around 4pm, leaving close to eight hours to post a new installment of goodmorninggratitude. What happened instead was landing here at 2:30am the following morning after a long day of flight delays and cancellations. And so, I can not longer say “I haven’t missed a single day in almost two years”. And you know what? I am not bothered by it.

What I now realize is my goal of posting here each day had an element of “look at me”; “look what I can do” contained within. Yes, there was personal satisfaction to consistently post each day and that was the primary driving force (most of the time). But sometimes it was duty that brought words to my screen; that and little else. How long did I need to prove the point to myself that I could do this? A year? A year and a half? Even six months showed I could, but I became ‘hooked’ instead. The realities of life jumped up to teach me, with the greatest of intentions I had let my self assigned duty to post here become a ‘rut’; the very thing I was trying to avoid. As John Lennon wrote “Life is what happens, while you are making other plans”.

I have walked through many lives,
some of them my own,
and I am not who I was,
though some principle of being abides,
from which I struggle not to stray.
When I look behind,
as I am compelled to look
before I can gather strength to proceed on my journey,
I see the milestones dwindling toward the horizon
and the slow fires trailing from the abandoned camp-sites,
over which the scavenger angels wheel on heavy wings.
Oh, I have made myself a tribe out of my true affections,
and my tribe is scattered!
How shall the heart be reconciled to its feast of losses?
In a rising wind,
the manic dust of my friends,
those who fell along the way,
bitterly stings my face.
Yet I turn.
I turn,
exulting somewhat,
with my will intact to go wherever I need to go,
and every stone on the road precious to me.
In my darkest night,
when the moon was covered and I roamed through the wreckage,
a nimbus-clouded voice directed me:
-Live in the layers, not on the litter-
Though I lack the art to decipher it,
no doubt the next chapter
in my book of transformations is already written.
I am not done with my changes.
From “The Collected Poems” by Stanley J. Kunitz

My unbroken string of posts is broken and that’s just fine! It doesn’t bother me although I would have thought it would. Instead, I get a sense of relief knowing that missing a day or two here and there is of no consequence. Another life lesson taught unexpectedly is the subject for my gratitude this morning.

Our brightest blazes of gladness
are commonly kindled
by unexpected sparks.
Samuel Johnson