Love

Poetry of the Senses

/ James Browning

Showing again my kinship with a number many are superstitious about, here’s another installment of thirteen’s. This time 13 sayings about loving and being loved.

1. It hurts to love someone and not be loved in return. But what is more painful is to love someone and never find the courage to let that person know how you feel, and then regret it.

2. Maybe God wants us to meet a few wrong people before meeting the right one so that when we finally meet the right person, we will know how to be grateful for that gift.

3. Love is when you take away the feeling, the passion, and the romance in a relationship and find out that you still care for that person.

4. A sad thing in life is, you meet someone who means a lot to you, only to find out in the end that it was never meant to be, and you just have to let go.

5. When the door of happiness closes, another opens. But often at times we look so long at the closed-door that we do not see the one which has been opened for us.

6. It is true that we do not know what we have until we lose it, but it is also true that we do not know what we have been missing until it arrives.

7. Giving someone all your love is never an assurance that they will love you back. Do not expect love in return; just wait for it to grow in their heart. But if it does not, be content that it grew in yours.

8. There are things you would love to hear that you would never hear from the person whom you would like to hear them from; but do not be so deaf as not to hear it from the one who says it from the heart.

9. Never say goodbye if you still want to try. Never give up if you still feel you can go on. Never say you do not love a person anymore if you cannot let go.

10. Love comes to those who still hope although they have been disappointed, to those who still believe although they have been betrayed, to those who still love although they have been hurt before.

11. Do not go for looks; they can deceive. Do not go for wealth; even that fades away. Go for someone who makes you smile, because it takes only a smile to make a dark day seem bright.

12. The beginning of love is to let those we love just be themselves and not twist them with our own image. Otherwise, we love only the reflection of ourselves we find in them.

13. The brightest future will always be based on a forgotten past. You can’t get on well in life until you let go of your past failures and heartaches.

I am grateful for eyes that see, a mouth that tastes, ears that hear, a nose that smells, and fingers that touch. But most of all I am grateful for a heart that loves.

Love is the poetry of the senses.
Honoré de Balzac

Joy-Filled Gratitude

/ James Browning

Never have I been able to sort between coincidence for a reason and events that come my way purely by happenstance. I vacillate between thinking everything is by chance to thinking all things occur by destiny. Generally, I have settled that our episodes of life are some combination of the two; a mixture of providence and accident.

First thing each morning I start coffee and while it’s brewing I check the “news” on my Yahoo homepage. Today’s page was mostly filled with the usual jumble of politics, dreadfulness and deceit which I read little of. Quite by change I did stumble across a story that deeply moved me.

Chance, providence or both brought the story of Lacey Buchanan, her husband and her little boy into my path. She created a Youtube video about her blind baby boy and his rare condition that has spread virally racking up hundreds of thousands of views.

The ABC story carried on Yahoo included: Buchanan, who works at a day care center and also attends the Nashville School of Law, said she made the video about their struggle because she wanted her son “to grow up knowing he’s important, knowing he has value, despite the way that he looks,” Buchanan said. “I never thought it would be as big as it has gotten, but I’m thrilled that Christian is becoming a face and a voice for this, that beauty is so much deeper than what you look like,” she said.

Some may be put off by the Christian background music which would be unfortunate. While my beliefs in a Higher Power don’t match this young Mother’s, I have great respect for hers. God is good and great, no matter how you shape a belief of Him/Her/It.

This morning before the smell of fresh coffee filled my kitchen, tears filled my eyes. As I watched this young mother tell her story scribbled on pieces of notebook paper my emotions overflowed. It was gratitude for her courage I felt that acutely awakened my humble gratitude for my “normal” son who has thrived in the world without the challenges her son faces. What we have in common is how deeply we each love our son.

So there you have it: I started this day with tears and am better for it. Those sniffles left behind deep joy-filled gratitude.

In our daily lives, we must see that it is not happiness that makes us grateful,
but the gratefulness that makes us happy.
Albert Clarke

Through It All

/ James Browning

Friends: they come and go.

If you’re lucky, you find a best friend and it works out perfectly, they’re always there for you and your relationship is always smooth.

But most people aren’t that lucky.

You find a best friend and it works out perfectly; for a little while.

And then problems arise, and friendships fall apart.

Sometimes an “I’m sorry” will fix things, but other times, it’s not that easy.

People aren’t perfect, they will get on your nerves, they will break your heart, and they won’t always meet your expectations.

You’ll learn who your true friends are when you’re making a wrong decision, and they don’t yell at you for it; they don’t try to force you to do something different.

They stick by you.

Posted today with abundant gratitude
for my dear friend Mel
and the comradeship we share.

When we first talked to each other
I knew we would always be friends.
Our friendship has kept on growing
And I’ll be here for you to the end.

You listen when I have a problem
And help dry the tears from my face.
You take away my sorrow
And put happiness in its place.

We can’t forget the fun we’ve had
Laughing ’til our faces turn blue.
Talking of things only we find funny
People think we’re insane-If they only knew!

I guess this is my way of saying thanks
For catching me when I fall.
Thanks once again for being such a good friend
And being here with me through it all.
Rachel Ellis

Shut Up and Dance

/ James Browning

My DVR is one of my most appreciated gizmos.  Every week or two I surf through listings on the movie channels I subscribe and pick out a few films showing in the future and record a few; saved for when I can get around to them.  Frequently, my searching brings me across a film I have never heard of that catches my attention due to the plot description, the subject matter, actors and actresses or some combination of these factors.

“Evening” is just such a movie.  Critics and most viewers panned the film and I can understand why.  One really has to have a very still mind and be open to the message contained within it.  This is NOT a movie intended to idly entertain those who view it.  One has to be able to relate personally in some manner to enjoy…actually ‘enjoy’ is the wrong word.. to appreciate the message of the movie.

Actress Vanessa Redgrave, at seventy years old, delivers an amazing (at least to me!) performance of a woman near death remembering bits and pieces of her romantic past and dealing with the emotional present of her daughters. As her character lays dying, she relives and is moved to convey to her daughters, the defining moments in her life 50+ years prior.

The full cast is impressive and makes the movie all the more believable.  Claire Danes, Natasha Richardson, Meryl Streep, Glenn Close, Barry Bostwick, Toni Collette and more contribute to making the story feel “real” to me. Far from being just a romantic love story, what is told on screen is a bit too gritty and realistic to be even close to a “chick flick”.  Instead it is a moving piece about life and a thinker’s movie that leaves one with a message.  What I got from it is: There are no mistakes; there is only life.  No matter whether we do good or bad or what kind of choices are made, it is still life.  And life is never a mistake.

For my way of thinking Goldie Hawn said something akin to the message of “Evening”: The lotus is the most beautiful flower, whose petals open one by one. But it will only grow in the mud. In order to grow and gain wisdom, first you must have the mud — the obstacles of life and its suffering. … The mud speaks of the common ground that humans share, no matter what our stations in life. … Whether we have it all or we have nothing, we are all faced with the same obstacles: sadness, loss, illness, dying and death.

A poem by Naomi Shihab Nye called “Kindness” also contains a similar message in these words I have selected from it to include here:

you must lose things,
feel the future dissolve in a moment
like salt in a weakened broth.
What you held in your hand,
what you counted and carefully saved,
all this must go so you know
how desolate the landscape can be
between the regions of kindness.

Before you know kindness as the deepest thing inside,
you must know sorrow as the other deepest thing.
You must wake up with sorrow.
You must speak to it till your voice
catches the thread of all sorrows
and you see the size of the cloth.

Ultimately seeing the film “Evening”, reading Goldie Hawn’s quote once again and letting Nye’s words sink in mentally all bring me back to the same place:  there are no mistakes, there is only life.  Everything that happens, good, bad or indifferent” is “my life”  and to be embraced with gratitude.

By loving the best and joyous along with most painful and difficult is how I have found a measure of peace, contentment and ease for living my days.  Far from some mystic know it all who lives in constant bliss, I am just a man doing the best he can who is grateful for his life and all that is within it!  As best I possibly can I endeavor to do what the character Buddy in “Evening” says, Shut up and dance.

The gem cannot be polished without friction,
nor man be perfected without trials.
Danish Proverb

Blessed Are They…

/ James Browning

Codependency is a behavior pattern in which a person tends to form unhealthy relationships. People like me who have engaged in codependent behavior almost always appear to place the needs and desires of other people before their own. These other people often have unresolved emotional issues and sometimes addictions which the codependent person tries to repair, ignore or avoid. That is certainly true with me as I often picked people who needed “fixing”.

Ironically, the source of codependency isn’t about other people – it’s about the relationship with one’s self. Generally this manifests in things like insecurity, deficient self-confidence and even self-loathing. At the core of it all is a scarcity of self-love. Within that condition I spent many years feeling “less than” and that I didn’t measure up. I hid those feelings well and they were rarely noticed by anyone.

One of the tendencies of codependency is difficulty accepting gifts. When someone gives me something, that gift is far from unappreciated. Actually I am thankful beyond my ability to express gratitude. It’s a conflicted feeling of unworthiness in one sense, yet being hugely grateful at the same moment. Talk about bewildering!

Gifts received with difficulty are not just tangible items, but compliments and pats on the back as well. The latter two can be especially hard to accept with a tendency to deflect the good that has been expressed in my direction. At the least there is often some sort of discounting expressed. An example is someone saying to me “you did a great job on that project” with my reply being “no big deal” or “most anyone could have done it”. Receiving positive feedback is highly prized within me but even today I am uncomfortable receiving it. However I have learned to just say “thank you” even though I often blush a little when I do.

There is a tradition in most 12-Step groups to celebrate the annual anniversary of a when a person first got into recovery. Codependents Anonymous is no exception. A brass coin is given which is first “charged” with a few encouraging comments said by each group member one at a time while holding the coin.

The date marking the end of my fourth year was last October, but when it came up in the group to award my coin I always found some excuse to put off the award. I’d say I wanted to make sure “so and so” was at the meeting or something of the sort. Of course I always picked someone who rarely came to the meetings any more as my way of putting it off.

Why I kept dragging my feet on the simple little celebration of my anniversary was simple: Listening to good things said about me on other “recovery birthdays” embarrassed me. I LOVED HEARING THEM but reception of those “gifts of love in words” from the group members conflicted with the conditioning of codependence of not being “worthy”.

Last night almost six months after I should have been open to receiving my 4th year coin I opened up and allowed the group to present it to me. It helped that a relative newcomer to the group also received a coin earlier in the meeting. Somehow my not being the only one deflected enough of my dysfunction to allow me to open up and accept the “gifts” others spoke to me.

Such kindness and love expressed toward me last night brought fidgeting, teared up eyes and even a red face of positive embarrassment more than one. The latter coming from the simple fact that it is still hard to imagine that people like and respect me as much as they said. Yet, I know all spoke honest words from their heart. A day latter the joy still dances in me for the sincere people who said such loving things to me. The little boy who rarely if ever got such praise as a child is happily frolicking within today. I am grateful beyond words to my Wednesday Codependence Anonymous group!

Blessed are they who see beautiful things
in humble places where other people see nothing.
Camille Pissarro

Scarred But Whole Again

/ James Browning

For most of my life I have been nursing a broken heart. There were times the breaker was me and at others it was someone I trusted and loved. A mother and a father are on that list as are lovers I gave all of me I knew how to. And there is the name of a few “friends” close and dear who found reason to violate the bond that was shared and wound my heart.

I am not unique. Everyone has had their heart broken a number of times. Some recover quickly, but I have always be one of those slow to heal. It takes years and even then a little of the wound always seems to survive within me. Maybe it is like that for everyone.

“WHERE DO BROKEN HEARTS GO?”
Written by Linda McLellan
and posted here with many thanks to the author

Where do broken hearts go?
When the tears don’t seem to stop
When a part of you feels missing
And hands move slowly on the clock
Your thoughts are filled with memories
Swirling through your mind
You pray to stop the aching
But you know it will take time
Sometimes you look for answers
And they do not seem to come
Why did this all happen?
How could it become undone?
Often there are no answers
To the mysteries of life
Though you search for understanding
For the pain, the tears and strife
You gave your heart to someone
Your trusted them with its care
They willingly accepted it
It was the best that you could share
You took your heart from your chest
And wrapped it in dreams of two
You gently placed it in their hands
You gave away the gift of you
The journey of hopes and wishes began
But somewhere along the way
Your gift was taken for granted
And your heart was cast away
It crashed to the ground and shattered
The pain stung your eyes with tears
How I will recover from this, you thought
The deep pain, the hurt and the fears
The heart is such a fragile thing
Fragile but yet so strong
Even filled with cracks and breaks
It continues to beat on
Where do broken hearts go?
When the ache you cannot bear
The pieces of heart go to Heaven
For the Angels to repair
How do I know all this you ask?
The despair, hurt, and the pain
Because my heart has gone to Heaven
It came back scarred, but whole again.

The pain of heart-break is not something within itself I can say I am grateful for. However, I am clearly grateful for what this cumulative hurting taught me. The discomfort and discord of pain kneaded my heart like a bread maker does dough. A baker’s kneading warms and stretches a mixture into a springy and elastic dough. If not kneaded enough, it will collapse, leaving a heavy and dense loaf that can be hard almost like a rock.

And so it has been with me as the breaking of my heart has molded, strengthened and shaped my ability to love. My gratitude for those teachings is true and genuine. I only hope the major portion of that education are behind me.

A final comfort that is small, but not cold: The heart is the only broken instrument that works.
T.E. Kalem

A Cumulative Treasure

/ James Browning

There are many great thinkers and doers I was never taught about in school.  They were left for my eventual discovery at a time when I am capable of appreciating them. As a kid I would not have understood what those men and women stood for or have learned anything but surface facts anyway.

Bertrand Arthur William Russell is one of those whose wisdom and legacy I have only encountered in recent years. He was a British philosopher, mathematician and writer known for his work in broad range of subjects from education and history to philosophy and social commentary. It is the latter two for which I have become an admirer.

Noted for his many spirited anti-war and anti-nuclear protests, Russell was a prominent public figure until his death at the age of 97 in 1970. He never slowed down until the very end and lived his life about as fully as a person can. At the beginning of his autobiography is the following abundantly real prologue that within a few paragraphs tells pointedly who Bertrand Russell was and what he believed.  The second paragraph when he writes about love I find particularly meaningful.

 “What I Have Lived For” by Bertrand Russell

Three passions, simple but overwhelmingly strong, have governed my life:  the longing for love, the search for knowledge, and unbearable pity for the suffering of mankind. These passions, like great winds, have blown me hither and thither, in a wayward course, over a great ocean of anguish, reaching to the very verge of despair.

I have sought love, first, because it brings ecstasy – ecstasy so great that I would often have sacrificed all the rest of life for a few hours of this joy. I have sought it, next, because it relieves loneliness–that terrible loneliness in which one shivering consciousness looks over the rim of the world into the cold unfathomable lifeless abyss. I have sought it finally, because in the union of love I have seen, in a mystic miniature, the prefiguring vision of the heaven that saints and poets have imagined. This is what I sought, and though it might seem too good for human life, this is what–at last–I have found.

With equal passion I have sought knowledge. I have wished to understand the hearts of men. I have wished to know why the stars shine. And I have tried to apprehend the Pythagorean power by which number holds sway above the flux. A little of this, but not much, I have achieved.

Love and knowledge, so far as they were possible, led upward toward the heavens. But always pity brought me back to earth. Echoes of cries of pain reverberate in my heart. Children in famine, victims tortured by oppressors, helpless old people a burden to their sons, and the whole world of loneliness, poverty, and pain make a mockery of what human life should be. I long to alleviate this evil, but I cannot, and I too suffer.

This has been my life. I have found it worth living, and would gladly live it again if the chance were offered me.

I read Russell’s words again for the umpteenth time and am moved even more deeply than each previous reading.  They educate me at a core spiritual and emotional level beyond my ability to describe intellectually.

Whether from a century just past or millenniums ago, the richness of wisdom and knowledge others have left behind is a cumulative treasure I benefit from today. We all do if we pay attention to what has come before us. Mr. Russell died the year before I graduated high school. I believe he would be pleased of my eventual discovery of him at a time when I can appreciate what he had to say. It has been my discovery that reading what great men and women had to say is a tremendous way of gaining time-tested insight. This knowledge does not make my life any easier. Rather, it makes it more understandable and to have greater meaning to me. It is with humble gratitude I acknowledge that.

 Judge a man by his questions rather than by his answers.
Voltaire

“Omnia Vincit Amor”

/ James Browning

A woman came out of her house and saw three old men with long white beards sitting in her front yard. She did not recognize them and said “I don’t think I know you, but you must be hungry. Please come in and have something to eat.”

“Is the man of the house home?”, they asked. “No” she said. “He’s out.”

“Then we cannot come in until you are together” they replied.

In the evening when her husband came home, she told him what had happened. “Go tell them I am home and invite them in!”

The woman went out and invited the men in. “We do not go into a House together” they replied. “Why is that?” she wanted to know.

One of the old men explained: “His name is Wealth,” he said pointing to one of his friends and said pointing to another one “He is Success, and I am Love.” Then he added “Now go in and discuss with your husband which one of us you want in your home.”

The woman went in and told her husband what was said. Her husband was overjoyed. “How nice!!” he said. “Since that is the case, let us invite Wealth. Let him come and fill our home with wealth!”

His wife disagreed.“ My dear, why don’t we invite Success?” Their daughter-in-law was listening and jumped in with her own suggestion: “Would it not be better to invite Love? Our home will then be filled with love!”

“Let us heed our daughter-in-law’s advice” said the husband to his wife. “Go out and invite Love to be our guest.”

The woman went out and asked the three old men, “Which one of you is Love? Please come in and be our guest.”

Love got up and started walking toward the house. The other 2 also got up and followed him. Surprised, the lady asked Wealth and Success: “I only invited Love, Why are you coming in?”

The old men replied together: “If you had invited Wealth or Success, the other two of us would’ve stayed out, but since you invited Love, wherever he goes, we go with him. Wherever there is Love, there is also Wealth and Success.”

“Omnia Vincit Amor” was written by Virgil over two thousand years ago. Today his phrase “Love Conquers All” is as truthfully meaning as it was then.

I have lived a life experience that proves the point made in fable above. I chased Success and with lots of sacrifice (too much) achieved it. Succeeding brought the reward that I actually chased: Money.  Yet that Wealth carried me an even further distance from happiness.

Ultimately it was the love of one I had hurt badly with my disloyalty and unfaithfulness who helped pull me out of the emotional pit of shame and depression I ended up in. Such a valuable, near life saving lesson I learned from being helped by the one I did not deserve it from. It was her caring that broke through and showed me what Love really was. Only with that help did I become able to love with an open heart today.  I have almost no contact with her what so ever, but hope she knows ALWAYS, I will be grateful.

Love is the master key that opens the gates of happiness.
Oliver Wendall Holmes

Whatever the Outcome… Forgive Yourself

/ James Browning

Likely the period of most profound growth for me was time spent immersed in learning who I was and coming face to face with ‘what was and is’ while at “The Meadows” in Wickenburg Arizona.  Those weeks in the high Sonora  Desert in 2007 were eye-opening and life changing beyond anything I can describe.

When I think of the experience, the first things that come to mind are:
1) Life is pretty much what you make it into.
2) Letting the past go is critical to having a future.
3) People I care about and those who care about me are what really matters.

On point number three I was exposed at The Meadows to a loosely structured way of making amends.  The process can those willing to listen and hear what I have to say, but is not sure thing.  However it almost always works in helping me make peace with myself.

To verbally attempt to make amends all that’s needed is someone willing to hear me out, even if they can barely stand to do so.  Attempting to make amends with another who does not want to be around me and holds great bitterness and hatred will only serve to make the chasm between us wider and deeper.

The amends process is mentioned often in recovery and self-help groups although the only “written form” I am aware of is the sheet just below.

The process is to over time thoughtfully fill out the ‘amends sheet’ and share the contents with the person you hurt, offended or wronged.  Sometimes sharing it with another is impossible and my healing comes from the focus to complete the form.  At other times it will make no difference and the abhorrence the person feels will be unaffected.

There are other occasions when a someone considers what was shared and accepts the amends somewhere in the future.  And there are the instances when an amends makes an instant difference.  It has amazed me how a person who could hardly stand to be in my presence softened and connected with me again when I spoke my amends. The “Likes/Loves” section can lend a lot toward helping reestablish some equilibrium between people.

It is important to remember an amend is not just an apology, but instead is about establishing justice as much as possible. If the indiscretion can’t be paid back or rebuilt, then symbolically restoration needs to be made.  Nothing says the latter stronger than a true change in the behavior and future actions of the offender.

Sometimes it makes no sense to make an ‘in-person” amends as more damage could be done by it.  At others amends are impossible because a person one hurt has passed on or is impossible to locate.  Then a “living” amends can help. This simply means living differently. Amends are about a genuine change in behavior instead of the patchwork of an apology.

The ten tips below about making amends can be found here in depth LINK
1. Face your own feelings first… it’s not always self-evident.
2. Understand what it takes to make amends. Go beyond desire to cover up shame.
3. Write down the reasons to make amends.  Get out of your head and on paper.
4. Look over your reasons… See patterns emerging?
5. Practice what you need to say in your head. Prepare your notes (form).
6. Express genuine regret and provide measurable promises to change.
7. Decide to meet … face-to-face (at) a good, neutral place (if it makes sense)
8. Don’t overdo it! Avoid making assumptions about their feelings or perspective.
9. Keep it simple and to the point.
10. Resolve to move on.  Whatever the outcome… forgive yourself.

Today’s blog came from looking for a file in my documents and stumbling across “The Meadow’s Amends Form”.  It has served me so well in making peace with others and myself.  The greatest benefit of each attempted amends, whether accepted well or badly by another, is the healing that has come to me.  For every one I have made and all those I yet will, I am very grateful for the process I was taught its many benefits.

The injured party does not want to be compensated because he has been wronged;
he wants to be healed because he has been hurt.
G.K. Chesterton

NOTE:  To save the form right click on it at the top of the blog and select ‘save picture as”.

To Go Somewhere Without Moving

/ James Browning

Pressed for time with the hour or so unavailable I usually spend on “Good Morning Gratitude” included here today are two favorite love letters. One by a man who was President written to a woman almost as well-known (President Ronald Reagan to Nancy Reagan); another by a woman known only by a single name (Maribella) to someone completely unknown. Open your heart and feel the love.

Letter #1

Dear First Lady,

I know tradition has it that on this morning I place cards Happy Anniversary cards on your breakfast tray. But things are somewhat mixed up. I substituted a gift & delivered it a few weeks ago.

Still this is the day; the day that marks 31 years of such happiness as comes to few men. I told you once that it was like an adolescent’s dream of what marriage should be like. That hasn’t changed.

You know I love the ranch but these last two days made it plain I only love it when you are there. Come to think of it that’s true of every place & every time. When you aren’t there I’m no place, just lost in time & space.

I more than love you; I’m not whole without you. You are life itself to me. When you are gone I’m waiting for you to return so I can start living again.

Happy Anniversary & thank you for 31 wonderful years. I love you.

Your Grateful Husband

Letter #2

Darling,

We have gone through many hard times together. We have been through the difficulties of our relationship and we even came to a point of almost losing each other because we got tired of each other’s weaknesses and shortcomings.

I thank God; we were able to make things right between the two of us. We learned how to deal our differences in a proper way. We learned to listen to each other and we became sensitive to each other’s needs.

Now look at the two of us, we are still here and getting stronger as time goes by. We are enjoying each other’s company and making each day special by showing our love and care in a very special way.

Sometimes, when I come to think of what we have been through before and how we have dealt our problems. I cannot help myself but to laugh at it because we were like children fighting over petty things and made it such a very big deal until it blown out of proportion.

However, I am very thankful ’cause we have grown so much. We have become more mature in handling our faults and our shortcomings. It would have been my greatest mistake if I did let you go and let go of our love.

I promise to continue to love you more each day.

Maribella

I am grateful for a mind that can conceive words together to express loving sentiment and the ability to write them down. I am thankful for the love letters of others who touch my heart, inspire my mind and remind me of the multifaceted angles of loving another.

To send a letter is a good way to go somewhere
without moving anything but your heart.
Phyllis Theroux