Life

A Mother’s Love

/ James Browning / 3 Comments

Her name was Dawn. Right out of college she began her first full-time job as a fledgling account rep where I worked.  Although she was “green” as grass, two of the senior account executives took her under their wing and brought her along.  She had talent, was well liked and was succeeding at her work when I took another job two thousand miles away.  While we were friendly, we were never really close so it was no surprise we did not keep in touch after I moved away. 

Fast forward ten years.  Working one’s way up in my profession required a lot of moving around to advance.  After three positions in three different states covering a decade I had advanced to a V.P./G.M. position I’d taken back in the same city where I had met Dawn originally.  During the ten years I was away from Ohio she had married and moved away.  Out of the blue one day I got a call from her telling me she was moving back to town, was looking for a job and wanted to know if we had anything open.  We did and were glad to have her join our staff.  My second association with Dawn lasted for around three years.     

Never will I forget how joyful Dawn was when she learned she was going to have a child.  She and her husband had encountered problems conceiving so Dawn, now in her mid 30’s, was elated to finally be expecting.  No happier Mom-to-be have I ever encountered.  About half way through the pregnancy she began having some health problems and testing began to find the source.  

Clear in my memory is the optimism she maintained that somehow everything would be OK as she explained to me privately she had cancer.  She told me her doctors said if she began chemotherapy very soon she had a good chance of recovery but would lose her baby.  If she chose to go full term with the baby, treatment after birth might save her, but it was very risky and the odds were against her.  I remember vividly her rubbing her several-month pregnant belly as she told me she was going to have her baby, no matter what.  

Dawn gave birth to a healthy baby and worked up until a few weeks before delivery.  She began chemotherapy treatment soon after.  Although she came by the office to show off her baby a few times, she never returned to work.  Each time we saw her she looked more ill than the time before.  Well before the baby’s first birthday Dawn was gone.  

Writing here now about something that happened 20 years ago still chokes me up.  Plain and simple, she knew what she was doing and knew her chances were slim.  She chose life for her child instead of life for herself.  No greater sacrifice do I know of a Mother making.  Clearly I recall hearing what a good father Dawn’s husband was to the child and then heard some years later he remarried.  That’s all I know of the story except Dawn’s baby would be around 20 years old now.  No child was ever more wanted or loved by a Mother.     

Some of the greatest stories of courage and sacrifice are lived out quietly by ordinary, every day people.  Books are not written about them nor movies made, but I am very thankful to know firsthand this account of Dawn Perry Gustin, one of the bravest people I have ever known. 

SACRIFICE 
©1996 Allison Chambers Coxsey

The sacrifice of love we give,
Takes less and yet gives more;
An everlasting hand of love,
The heart an open door.

The willingness to give of self,
To lay down your own life;
To touch another person’s heart,
In loving sacrifice.

A chance that God has given you,
To reach another soul;
Forever changed by kindness,
A life your love made whole.

For life is but a circle,
Each life part of the chain;
Each link is joined by sacrifice,
That causes man to change.

To turn and reach a hand of love,
To touch another’s life;
Will cause the circle to be whole,
In loving sacrifice.

 It is not now much we do, but how much love we put into the doing.  It is not how much we give, but how much love we put into the giving.  Mother Teresa

Most Friendships Don’t End, They Drift Apart

/ James Browning / 4 Comments

In my life there have been a few people I became close enough to that they felt like a devoted relative.  As I told one dear friend years ago, “If I got to choose who was in my family, you’d be in mine”.  At the time I thought of G—- truly as my “brother” and told him so.  Even today I still feel that way although the friendship has long not been practiced.  We met over twenty years ago and for the first fifteen the relationship grew closer with many wonderful memories. 

It was a natural occurrence that two men who were close would have wives who likewise become good friends.  I encouraged it knowing my 2nd wife had many acquaintances, but few close friends. It was pleasing to me when the two women became “buds”. 

When my wife filed for divorce, my friend and his wife sided with her.  The fact he had been my friend more than a decade longer than the couple had known my soon-to-be-ex did not seem to matter.  In talking to others I have come to know that friends getting divided up like marital assets in a marriage breakup is not uncommon.  “Sides” get picked.  Most friends of a couple choose one or the other partner and rarely does anyone stay close to both.  Sadly that is what happened for me and my friend put great distance between us and became highly judgmental of me.

After a couple of years passed G. was in town and called, wanting to see me.  Although knowing it would hurt to see him, I still cared and was glad he had called.  I harbored this little hope that getting together would be like old times.  It was for a moment.  By the time I arrived, my friend had already enjoyed a few beers and was talking to some mutual acquaintances.  After visiting for a while with the group, G. and I broke off to one side to talk.  With tears in his eyes I heard him say how sorry he was for turning his back and not being there when I needed him.  He apologized for being taken in so fully with my ex’s side of things and not giving me the benefit of the doubt.  On and on he went to the point of it being embarrassing for me.  

Smiling at one point I told my friend to please let it go because I had forgiven him a long while ago.  He asked how I could do that after what he did.  I said simply “because I love you, man”.  We shared a silent moment with neither having a dry eye after those words came from my mouth.  He followed up telling me he wanted us to get together whenever he was in town.  My reply was “I’d like that”.  I have not seen him since.   

I continue to send G. a small Christmas present each year so he knows I still think of him.  He does not reciprocate which does not bother me (much).  My reason for giving is not hoping to get something in return.  At one point I had a little talk with myself asking was I sending a gift each year to “rub his nose” into the rift between us or because I cared about him.  I am glad to say I concluded the reason was the latter and will continue to send a small present to him each year.  Once in a while I feel sad that our friendship is no longer practiced.  Occasionally the feeling of betrayal returns.  I always end up recalling a good moment we shared laughing and enjoying each other.  Then all is well again.  When I can remember the goodness of what once was my gratitude is always strong within me.  

A few things I have learned about friendship: 

1 – Friends will come and friends will go.  Most friendships last only for a time.  Rare is one that lasts a lifetime

2 – No friendship is ever a waste or a mistake.

3 – Sometimes “I’m sorry” will repair things, but other times it won’t.

4 – People are all created “perfectly imperfect”.   They will get on my nerves, they will disappoint me, they won’t always meet my expectations, they will break my heart.

5 – Sometimes I will be the friend to another who does the things in #4.

7 – I’ve learned who my truest friends are when I made a wrong decision and they don’t judge me for it or try to force me to do something different. 

8 – Most friendships don’t end; they just drift apart over time. 

9 – Friendships don’t just happen.  They take tending and care.  I have to stay present in another’s life for friendship to remain strong and healthy.  If I don’t make the effort then time will leave the friendship behind.

10 – All people who are your friend even for just a time are gifts to your life.  Cherish the memories and never forget the good. 

11 – Friendships will often fall apart and not be fix-able.  Life goes on.

12 – Learn from each friendship how to be a better friend to others. 

Each person has a story. Each story is different and has a tale to tell to those who are willing to listen. Each story has so many things to accomplish, and each story never ends. They are all special in their own little ways. Every story wants to be told. They hold secrets, gossip, tragedies, miracles, love, and heartache inside. So open up your heart and listen to the music of people’s souls. Unknown

Coincidence and My Newest Temporary Friend

/ James Browning / 2 Comments

Something came across the path of my life last week that caused me to spend some time pondering the subject of “coincidences”.   Years back I recall reading “The Celestine Prophecy” by James Redfield that dances all around the proposition there are no coincidences.  In the fictional book the premise is everything happens in a sort of cosmic order as it is supposed to.  

My thoughts on coincidence do not go that far, yet I do not under value the impact of chance happenings upon my life.  I have been married twice to women I met purely by good fortune.  There has been more than one instance where my exact arrival time kept me safe when having been ten seconds earlier or later would likely have cost my life.  One of the big steps in my career was coming into contact purely by chance with someone vacationing where I lived.  It has not been uncommon in my life when being in an exact place, on a specific date and at a precise time brought me to an experience which could not have happened as it did any other place and time.   

A couple of months back I wrote a blog here titled ““Temporary Friends” that contained the following:  …There are those unique and rare times when real connections happen.  Once in a while on an airplane two compatible complete strangers find connection and the minutes float away without awareness as a “temporary friendship” is enjoyed…   https://goodmorninggratitude.com/2011/05/27/temporary-friends/ 

To tie the three above paragraphs together I need to tell you about a coincidental meeting last week while traveling.  As I sat down at the gate for my flight I noticed exactly across from me was a 30-something woman who was early to the gate as I was.  We each sat at an angle as to give each other room to stretch our legs out into the aisle between the close rows of seats.  I busied myself reading and with my phone as she did (I even recall something she read on her phone  caused her to laugh out loud a little).      

Boarding the plane I found myself seated just in front of the wing in an aisle seat.  Soon after the woman who had been sitting across from me at the gate came along to take the window seat beside me.   A conversation began fairly quickly that lasted the entire flight making for one of the shortest two hours I have experienced in recent memory.  

Her name was Milka which she explained means “queen” in several languages.  If all recognized royalty was an open, unassuming and kind-spirited as Milka was, all royals would be better deserving of their titles!  I found her to be intelligent, quick-witted, well-read and a caring soul I enjoyed talking to.  She became my newest and most favorite recent “temporary friend”.  

Learning about Milka was an interesting experience.  She was well-educated, has worked in several varying professions and is currently employed behind the scenes in marketing for the cosmetics industry.  She lit up when she talked about her husband she described as handsome and loving.  Her feelings for him were clear in her glow as she talked about him.  The children in her life had great meaning, both the nine-year old son she gave birth to and the 14 year-old from her husband’s previous marriage that lives with them.  What struck me most is that she seemed to be a genuinely happy human being.  Finding one who expresses their love of life openly today is not a common thing! 

The flight was over in no time it seemed and we had arrived at our destination.  Milka was visiting my home city for a convention related to her work.  On the plane I discovered her hotel was literally a couple of miles from my home and offered her a ride which she accepted.  

It never occurred to me that she was anything different from she presented herself.  She apparently felt the same way.  How else could two almost complete strangers have felt comfortable doing what we did!  After all I had offered a lift to someone I really did not know at all and she had accepted a ride from someone she barely knew as well.  Yes, both of us could have been wrong about each other.  But we weren’t and we knew it.  How?  I have no idea.  We just did. 

Today as I reflect on meeting Milka 48 hours ago, I know I will never forget her smile or a few of the details about the life of my most recent “temporary friend”.  Her positive attitude and apparent love of life is something I will remember in spirit long after I forget most specific details.  I am grateful for the chance meeting of a kindred soul and give thanks for the time we shared.  My life is a little richer for it.  I wish Milka and her family what Mr. Spock in Star Trek often wished others:  “Live long and prosper”.   

Chance is perhaps the pseudonym of God when he does not wish to sign his work.  Anatole France

A Small Collection of Common Gratitude

/ James Browning / 1 Comment

Yesterday afternoon while away from home attending a company meeting in Scranton I had about an hour to sit back and watch the world go by.  I was able to enjoy being outside on a day when the temperature was in the low 80’s.  What a contrast that weather was to the 100+ degree days I head home today in Oklahoma.   The time spent sitting just outside a little coffee shop turned out to be one of those occasions when my mind was still and I was in the moment.  The longer I watched life going on around me the more of a feeling of gratitude came over me. 

Sitting at my sidewalk table in the shade I enjoyed a cup of good, fresh coffee while randomly taking in different things around me.  Sitting by my feet was a new computer bag I was using for the first time on this trip. It was purchased a few weeks ago to replace a tattered bag that has at least 20,000 miles on it. I travel quite a bit and splurged to get a really good bag that will last for years.  It struck me while sitting yesterday at my little momentary corner of the universe there have been times in my life when a month’s rent was less than the purchase price of my new computer bag.  The moment that realization hit me I felt very fortunate that I could afford such a luxury. 

As people walked past I noticed the frowns on many people’s faces.  Here in Northwestern Pennsylvania there are serious economic difficulties and lots of people don’t have jobs or are under employed.  I am certain a few of the people who walked by were suffering a lot from the tough times we live in right now. Watching the parade of people passing by I was struck by how lucky I am to have a good job and a rewarding career.  Many are not blessed so 

At one point a women who looked to be in her 40’s shuffled by slowly using a cane.  It appeared she had either had a stroke or been injured as once side of her body did not seem to function as well as the other.  My eyes became slightly misty for a moment as I watched her struggle along with such great effort.  I felt sorry for her and filled with thankfulness for the good health I enjoy.  I have accumulated my share of aches and pains but nothing major.  Physically I can do most anything I wish to do.  Many don’t have that opulence.  I am grateful that I do. 

Flour or five people who were at least in their 70’s or 80’s shuffled past slowly as they headed to the drug store less than a block away.  There seemed to be two kinds of old folks out yesterday:  the ones who while being old, looked to be in pretty good health with bright eyes and decent mobility.  Then there were the others who moved slowly with great difficulty.  I was reminded I likely have lots of years left and if I continue to take care of myself I will end up as the bright-eyed variety of old people.  A bit of good health is lucky genetics, but a good bit is under my control.  I am glad I have taken care of myself over the years.  Few can guess my age accurately.  I am grateful!

A guy who was probably homeless asked me for spare change as he walked by slowly.  I have never liked loose change in my pockets and was happy to give the pan handler what I had.  He quickly was on his way before the proprietor of the coffee show could notice him.  He did say “thanks.  God bless you” and as I watched him cross the street I wondered what his story was.  How did he end up having to beg?  What had gone wrong in his life? Was he an addict or down on his luck or both?  I wondered what he would use the change for. Silently inside my head I heard the phrase “there but for the grace of God go I” and got goose bumps realizing how good my life is. 

Looking further away across the street I could see the local court-house that appeared to have been redone in recent years.  Seeing the flag out front flapping in the breeze caused me to take momentary stock of my thanks for being an American.  A lot does need to be fixed in this country, but a lot is great about the good ole USA too. 

Halfway down the block what appeared like a group of six or seven college age students were talking and cutting up in front of another sidewalk café.  At least while I watched, no studying was going on although books were laid out on the tables and laptops were out and fired up.  While I sometimes lament letting some of my years behind me get away too fast, watching this group made me glad to have my 20’s long behind me.  Those were painful and difficult years and I am grateful to have them behind me.  

As I grabbed my empty coffee cup and napkin and began walking over to the trashcan to throw them away I knew was in a better mood than when I first sat down.  And my state of mind was pretty good to start with! 

In only about 15 minutes while enjoying the cool afternoon shade I was reminded I have much to be grateful for.  While I truly believe I live with a grateful heart, I also realized I miss a lot because I spent much of my time in the same places, with the same people, doing the same things.  Being in a different environment where my habits were challenged was really good for me yesterday.  Taking a moment to reflect on things I am grateful for always brings me back to center.  

The more I look for things to be thankful for, the more of them I find.  

Who does not thank for little will not thank for much.  Estonian Proverb

What I Learned About Love the Hard Way

/ James Browning / 3 Comments

 1 – Who you marry will affect your life more than you can imagine.  Your life may be better for your choice, worse because of your choice or both at different times.  

2 – Divorce hurts more than you can imagine.  If love is truly present it is a kind of death that takes forever.    

3 – It really is not difficult to fall in love; it is difficult to stay in love. 

4 – There is NO one “soul mate” for each of us in the world.  As a person evolves, grows and changes there are many possibilities over time. 

5 – Being swept off your feet by another person is more about what you feel inside about yourself than what the other person feels about you.

6 – Intimacy takes a long time to grow and develop.  It can become very strong, yet it will always be very fragile.  What takes years to build can be destroyed in seconds or with a single choice. 

7 – Forgiving is a choice and one you make just as much for yourself as the other person.  Often forgiving someone else is far easier than forgiving your self.

8 – Some of the greatest growth of our lives is in love relationships and a good deal of it comes from pain and heartache. 

9 – Just because a good relationship does not last forever does not mean it did not work.  It just means it lasted for its time. 

10 – Be sure to learn from a past bad relationship.  What you do not learn will be a lesson taught to you again.  

11 – If someone is worth your love, then love them without reservation or restriction.  Give your complete heart.  Don’t hold back.  Give your all.  Giving only part of yourself will only get you a part of the other person. 

12 – Every time you loved and were loved there is no mistake.  It was a gift no matter how things may have turned. 

13 – There are few ways in a loving relationship to hurt someone more than being unfaithful.  The wound may heal but there will ALWAYS be a scar. 

14 – Don’t fall in love with who you think a person might be someday.  There is a good chance they never will be.  Only fall in love with who someone is now. 

15 – No matter how much love is present, you will have bad times.  You will fight, you will disagree, and you will have problems.  It is the human condition. 

16 – You can’t love someone you don’t like. 

17 – Scars from past love only tell you where you have been.  Be careful judging a present relationship with them. 

18 – No person can be everything to you, nor can you be everything to any one person.  

19 – No one is perfect.  If you can’t see past some imperfection and bad habits you will be miserable in every relationship. 

20 – Everyone wants to be loved, but some people do not know how to love you back. 

21 – If you are not a good listener in a relationship, you won’t be heard when you speak. 

22 – Secrets are poison and will damage a relationship at the very least and at the most, destroy it. 

23 – Let unimportant things go.  Give in.  Forget about it.  If you don’t, you’ll end fighting much more than you should. 

24 – Loving someone does not make them a better person.  It makes you a better person. 

I am grateful to know these things now.  Lessons learned the hard way, are lessons learned best.  There is deep thankfulness for the ones who loved me who were my teachers. 

There is no remedy for love but to love more.  Henry David Thoreau

Every Day is a Good Day

/ James Browning / 1 Comment

When someone asks “how are you doing”, what will your response be?  A frequent answer received when I ask the “how are you” question is “fine”.  I often smile to myself when I hear the “fine” response because of a meaning I learned psychologists often assign to that word. 

F = Freaked out
I = Insecure
N = Neurotic
E = Emotional

Of course, I don’t think most people really intend to impart that meaning with a “fine” response.  Rather it is usually just a reflex answer given without thought. That is if they even get a chance to answer.  It is not uncommon for the person asking the question to not expect an answer because “how are you” has become something akin to a salutation like “good morning”. 

One of the mantras often heard in recovery is “fake it until you make it” which means act like you are already where you hope to be.  When I first heard about that suggested practice I thought it sounded trite if not absolutely absurd.  I was initially convinced there was no way such a practice could help with the depression I fought from time to time.  I was wrong.  Eventually I tried it and found it works!  I discovered much of my life was painted by the emotion and mood I bathed myself in.  At first putting a better face on troubled and challenging times seemed like a waste of time.  I was encouraged to keep it up and within a few weeks pretending to be in a better mood almost always made me feel better, at least for a little while.  Slowly but surely the effect got stronger and lasted longer.     

The answer I have adopted to a greeting such as “how’s your day” is “every day is a good day, some are just better than others”.  By saying that I am not stating everything is wonderful.  Instead I simply have decided that no day is “bad”.  A challenging day?  Quite possibly!  But that does not mean it is “a bad day”.  I came to realize that each day was at least to a degree what I made of it.  

I have been amazed how my adopted response of “every day is a good day” affects other people.  It almost always seems to make people think and usually gets a positive reaction.  I have been astonished by how many people crack a smile when I say that to them.  Sometimes I end up feeling a person needed some sort of little reminder that life is ok, that it does not 100% suck and that everything will be OK.  Speaking the phrase always makes me feel even better too.  Once in a while I have said it to a person who seems to have doom and gloom as a major part of their regular persona.  My standard saying seems to confuse those folks.  I am optimistic them hearing it lends something to turn over in their mind.  I hope given time the thought takes root within and lends a glimmer of hope to their life. 

I believe my subconscious hears everything I say and, positive or negative, it is filed away in my general awareness.  If I fill my thinking with a “bad day” mentality and speak it aloud my happiness will darkens and additional gloom will get added to any heartache, difficulty and tragedy.  It is my choice to make things worse or better for myself.

Make no mistake; I have not become a bouncing off the walls, giddy and goofy “happy face” guy.  That would be delusional.  Instead I simply resist being Mr. Gloom.  I do my best to bear each of my troubles with grace and hope.  Some days it works great.  Other days it only helps a little.  But it always helps!                        

Every person fights their own life battles, endures heartache and tragedy and is challenged by life.  I figure they don’t need me to add to their wows by me dumping on them simply because they asked me how I was doing. I am aware of how another’s good or bad mood can affect my frame of mind and try hard to only put goodness into the world.  Success at that endeavor does not always come, but it is in the trying that I make things better for my self and those I come in contact with.  I am deeply grateful for this insight that improves my quality of life every single day! 

When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves.  Viktor Frankl

Wisdom: Hidden, But Not Concealed

/ James Browning / 1 Comment

Most people spend their entire life imprisoned within the confines of their own thoughts.  They never go beyond a narrow, mind-made, personalized sense of self that is conditioned by the past.  In you, as in each human being, there is a dimension of consciousness far deeper than thought.  It is the very essence of who you are.  

How easy it is for people to become trapped in their conceptual prisons. The human mind, in its desire to know, understand, and control, mistakes its opinions and viewpoints for the truth.  It says:  this is how it is.  You have to be larger than thought to realize that however you interpret “your life” or someone else’s life or behavior, however you judge the situation, it is not more than a viewpoint, one of many possible perspectives.  It is not more than a bundle of thoughts.   

Wisdom is NOT a product of thought.  The deep knowing that is wisdom arises through the simple act of giving someone or something your full attention.  Attention is primordial intelligence, consciousness itself.
From “Stillness Speaks” by Elkhart Tolle

If it were possible to intellectually repair one’s self, I’d have “fixed” myself ten times over.
I searched.
I read dozens and dozens of religious, self-help and spiritual books.
I attended retreats and spent time at a Benedictine monastery.
I began to attend church again.
I looked deeply into Buddhism, attended classes and became a practicing Buddhist.
I explored the Bible and bought a concordance to help my study.
I scrutinized codices of the Nag Hammadi and the Dead  Sea  Scrolls.
I learned about Gnosticism and ancient Gnostic teachings.
I investigated the teachings of Confucius.
I became a serious amateur student of psychology.
I poured over texts of spiritual practices from Sufism to Rosicrucian Principles.
I studied ancient philosophies of Plato, Socrates, Aristotle, Epictetus, Pythagoras and Marcus Aurelius.
I probed the contemporary philosophies of Emerson, Thoreau, Huxley, Gandhi and Einstein.
I looked into the writings of Ram Das, Deepak Chopra, Rumi, Thich Nhat Hanh, Osho and Huston Smith.
I……..

While becoming more educated I consistently became more weighted down as I fed my intellect.  In choosing an outward quest in search of answers to my questions about living and its meaning, I neglected the ability to let them find me.  

What I searched for, to borrow the words of Socrates, was “hidden, but not concealed; evident, but not visible”.  The two best outcomes of my decade and a half of probing and investigating were:  1) I got into therapy and recovery and 2) I began a meditation practice.  I found no specific answers through those avenues I can identify, but I did find a lot of myself.  

In my opinion a good therapist does not heal a person, they help a person learn how to heal them self.  In the process one can learn how to “crack them self open” and heal from the inside out.   

My meditation practice is not about stopping my mind from stirring constantly with its whirlwind of thought.  Rather it is about letting the wind of thinking blow strong through me while paying as little attention as possible to it.  It is then I have room to focus narrowly and allow natural and innate wisdom to come to me.  Some days I gain a lot of insight, on others hardly any at all.  The answers are in the trying.  It is my consistent effort that heals. 

Make no mistake; “book” knowledge gained in my search has helped.  However, it was the acceptance that some things can not be intellectually known when I truly got better.  To get at the true essence of who I am all I have to do is keep faith in my self and a power beyond me I can’t explain and don’t now feel the need to.   There is gratitude within for every step on my path but most of all I am glad to be alive today!

 The beginning of knowledge is the discovery of something we do not understand.  Frank Herbert

A Broken Heart and a Youthful Promise

/ James Browning

The dance was in the school auditorium and the cover group playing was easy to hear in the basement immediately underneath.  Her name was L—– and she was an attractive and well-blossomed 13 year-old.  I was a year older and one grade in front of her.  Except for the dim glow of an outside security light through a window it was dark there in the storage room where we were making out.  Boy, were we!  There were rumors L. was pretty wild and still virginal me was finding that out first hand.  Admittedly I was essentially male hormones on legs at that moment, but when she moved to unzip my pants I pushed her hands away.  After pushing them away several times, I said “I can’t do this”.  L. was angry and mocked my unwillingness with profanity.  I raised my voice to say “stop it” and she stormed out of the room.  We were never together again. 

I was comfortable in my early/mid teens being on first or second base with a girl but not moving beyond that.  Having seen way too much at too young of an age, I had this notion I was going to “save myself” and not be like my parents.  During the less than 8 years my Mother and Father were married they were not faithful to each other and even as children we knew it.  Sex seemed to be a good bit of what their lives revolved around.  For me there was a youthful belief I was going to be different. 

Soon after getting my driver’s license, I asked K— out who I had a crush on.  We went to a movie, the Diary Queen and she suggested parking afterwards.  After a short while making out in my VW Beetle it blew my mind on our first date when she took her top off.  I found her haste to be naked a huge turn off.  After a bit of her pouting and coldly asking “what is wrong with you” I started the car and took her home.  Afterwards we hardly spoke to one another at school.  On one hand there was a feeling of doing right for myself, but also plenty of confusion.  Was there something wrong with me? 

The first girl I fell truly in love with was a year older than me.  I was a junior and E—– was a senior at another high school six miles away from my school.  To have an older girlfriend who went to a different school was a big deal.  We were an item for over a year and went together to each other’s proms.  I was in the audience when she graduated.  We daydreamed sometimes about a possible life together after we finished college.  

It was a June evening less than a month from my 17th birthday when E. took me riding around in her mother’s car. Only in hindsight would I much later comprehend what she had in mind that night.  Once the sun was almost down she turned onto a little traveled dirt road calling it a “shortcut” back to town.  Before long E. parked the car and said “let’s get in the back”.  We steamed up the back glass even with the windows partially open, but nothing but kissing and petting happened.  She wanted more, but I never let things go there.  Silly me imagined we’d do those things one day when we were married and she would be proud of me for being strong and saving myself until then.  Driving back into town, not much was said.  Things had changed.  I just did not know it yet.     

I had a part-time job in a town 40 miles away from home.  To get there I drove through the town where E. lived and each night on my way home I would drive by her house.  It made me feel chivalrous and close to her.  At least it did until the night I was driving by and saw her kissing a guy by his car in her driveway.  I went home with a broken heart.  Later she somehow convinced me her parents had put pressure on her to see others and she gave into their feeling we were getting too serious.  They were probably right, but we continued on and off for a few months even after she left for college.  Those days what was special inside me was mostly gone, but it still hurt badly when we stopped seeing each other.  

About eight months later after having moved 200 miles to live with my Father for my senior year of high school I met D—–.  She was 16 and I was 17 when I fell for her and for a time, her for me.  We were each other’s “first”.  An engagement ring on her finger said we planned to get married once she was eighteen and out of high school although we were way too young to know what we were doing.  Being youthfully blind there was no doubt within that D. was the “one” until just before her 18th birthday she informed me she wanted to see other guys.  I later found there had been others while we were together.  I was shattered and ended up moving a thousand miles westward as I tried to run away from the heartache I thought she caused me.

I changed soon after.  The environment I grew up in caught up with me completely.  A clear conclusion was reached within.  Then and there I decided women used men just the same as they accused men of using women.  I consciously chose to be what I perceived everyone else was.   I just did not know any better.  All that was going on in my life was a more or less normal passage into adulthood.  The problem was I was not normal.  

In hindsight my response was predictable.  No adult ever talked to me about love, sex and relationships.  There were no examples of healthy adult relationships close around me growing up.  Within one personal choice made late in my 18th year I became what I viewed everyone else was to be and dysfunctional ways took over.  Until then I had been faithful to my girlfriends and did my best to be the “white knight” gentleman to each one of them.  That suddenly changed.

Eventually I ended up regretting the direction I chose, but it took decades.  Allowing youthful perception to so darkly color life my life brought dysfunction to every love relationship that followed.  Ignorance is often not bliss.  Lack of knowledge can be emotionally dangerous.  Being blindly dysfunction is corrosive and damaging. 

Today I am grateful to have clear hindsight into where my wayward path began.  Sometimes understanding can only come once one locates the root of behavior.  That insight combined with some therapy and a lengthy period of introspection, meditation and celibacy has helped me to feel fresh, new and reborn.  For that I am deeply grateful.     

Sometimes I wish I were a little kid again, skinned knees are easier to fix than broken hearts.  Unknown

Love, Marriage and Relationships

/ James Browning / 1 Comment

My offering today is not of my creation.  It is a piece forgotten about I found saved in my “good article” folder on my computer.   I started here today wanting to write about why I, like most of us,  have had more “lovers” than we do “true friends”.  I find the collection of thoughts below hint at answers to that quandary better than any original thoughts I am having this morning.  So with thanks and gratitude to Dr. Diamond and apologies for the non-original nature of today’s installment of G.M.G,  I offer “The 25 Most Helpful Things That Have Been Said About Love, Marriage, and Relationships” by Jed Diamond, Ph.D. 

25.  Once a woman has forgiven her man, she must not reheat his sins for breakfast.  ~Marlene Dietrich 

24.  That quiet mutual gaze of a trusting husband and wife is like the first moment of rest or refuge from a great weariness or a great danger.  ~George Eliot (Mary Ann Evans) 

23.  Almost no one is foolish enough to imagine that he automatically deserves great success in any field of activity; yet almost everyone believes that he automatically deserves success in marriage.  ~Sydney J. Harris 

22.  The way to hold a husband is to keep him a little jealous; the way to lose him is to keep him a little more jealous.  ~H.L. Mencken 

21.  The concept of two people living together for 25 years without a serious dispute suggests a lack of spirit only to be admired in sheep.  ~A.P. Herbert 

20.  Affairs are just as disillusioning as marriage, and much less restful.  ~Mignon McLaughlin, The Second Neurotic’s Notebook, 1966 

19.  If you are afraid of loneliness, don’t marry.  ~Anton Chekov 

18.  In the early years, you fight because you don’t understand each other.  In the later years, you fight because you do.  ~Joan Didion 

17.  Pity all newlyweds.  She cooks something nice for him, and he brings her flowers, and they kiss and think:  How easy marriage is.  ~Mignon McLaughlin, The Neurotic’s Notebook, 1960 

16.  Marriage is a lottery in which men stake their liberty and women their happiness.  ~Virginie des Rieux, Epigrams 

15.  By the time you’re his
Shivering and sighing,
And he vows his passion is
Infinite, undying
Lady, make a note of this:
One of you is lying.
~Dorothy Parker

14.   To keep your marriage brimming,
With love in the loving cup,
Whenever you’re wrong, admit it;
Whenever you’re right, shut up.
~Ogden Nash 

13.  Women hope men will change after marriage but they don’t; men hope women won’t change but they do.  ~Bettina Arndt, Private Lives, 1986 

12.  Being divorced is like being hit by a Mack truck.  If you live through it, you start looking very carefully to the right and to the left.  ~Jean Kerr, Mary, Mary, 1960 

11.  In marriage there are no manners to keep up, and beneath the wildest accusations no real criticism.  Each is familiar with that ancient child in the other who may erupt again…. We are not ridiculous to ourselves.  We are ageless.  That is the luxury of the wedding ring.  ~Enid Bagnold, Autobiography, 1969 

10.  The problem with marriage is that it ends every night after making love, and it must be rebuilt every morning before breakfast.  ~Gabriel García Márquez

9.  I figure that the degree of difficulty in combining two lives ranks somewhere between rerouting a hurricane and finding a parking place in downtown Manhattan.  ~Claire Cloninger, “When the Glass Slipper Doesn’t Fit and the Silver Spoon is in Someone Else’s Mouth” 

8.  Love requires a willingness to die; marriage, a willingness to live.  ~Mignon McLaughlin, The Second Neurotic’s Notebook, 1966 

7.  People do not marry people, not real ones anyway; they marry what they think the person is; they marry illusions and images.  The exciting adventure of marriage is finding out who the partner really is.  ~James L. Framo, “Explorations in Marital & Family Therapy” 

6.  Getting divorced just because you don’t love a man is almost as silly as getting married just because you do.  ~Zsa Zsa Gabor 

5.  Marriage must constantly fight against a monster which devours everything:  routine.  ~Honore de Balzac 

4.  Wasn’t marriage, like life, un-stimulating and unprofitable and somewhat empty when too well ordered and protected and guarded.  Wasn’t it finer, more splendid, more nourishing, when it was, like life itself, a mixture of the sordid and the magnificent; of mud and stars; of earth and flowers; of love and hate and laughter and tears and ugliness and beauty and hurt.  ~Edna Ferber, Show Boat, 1926 

3.  Marriage changes passion – suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.  ~Author Unknown 

2. When two people are under the influence of the most violent, most insane, most delusive, and most transient of passions, they are required to swear that they will remain in that excited, abnormal, and exhausting condition continuously until death do them part.  ~G.B. Shaw, Getting Married, 1908 

And the most helpful thing that has been said about the secret of a happy marriage is….. 

1. The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.  ~Henny Youngman 

Jed Diamond has been a licensed psychotherapist for over 40 years and is the author of seven books. Diamond is Director of the MenAlive, a health program that helps men live long and well.  http://www.menalive.com/jed-bio.htm

Unclouded Wisdom

/ James Browning / 3 Comments

You have to get hurt. That’s how you learn. The strongest people out there, the ones who laugh the hardest with a genuine smile; those are the people who have fought the toughest battles.

Those lines come from a site kept and updated frequently by a person who identifies herself as a nineteen year-old woman from Illinois named Amber.  I accidentally stumbled across her on-line contributions last night.  While frequently her limited life experience of almost two decades shows through, she also writes with wisdom beyond her years.  Here are a few more nuggets:

Sometimes you have to give up on people. Everyone that is in your journey is meant to be in your journey, but not everyone is meant to stay there.

The first step towards getting somewhere is to decide that you are not going to stay where you are.

Never stop loving someone because you never know when they might start loving you back. But if that person won’t change, wait until your heart voluntarily quits.

At times what “Amber” writes shows her age; “Don’t waste your time worrying about boys. Boys will come and go…”  That is exactly as it should be.  Nineteen should be nineteen and not a teenager going on thirty-five.    

Reading Amber’s writing was a catalyst for a clear line of thinking when I woke up today. What rings true today is there can be much wisdom in a youthful mind not yet clouded with the burden of lots of experience.  Conversely the knowledge of living many years can cause blindness and inability to see lucidly. 

I suppose it is human nature for someone in middle age to perceive they know more than someone half their age or younger.  And in many cases that would be true.  Yet, more is not necessarily better and a large quantity of stored memories can make sorting down to the essence of things difficult. 

It seemed I saw things so very clearly when I was sixteen years-old.  Maybe actually I did.  Right or wrong I certainly had great conviction about my view of things.  There was more confidence within about where I was going and what my life was going to be about.  Of course, it did not turn out that way exactly.  I do yearn sometimes for that clarity of youth for the drive it gave me.  However, stepping back a little I can see the quintessence of my youth did point me in many of the right directions.   

There are many other stories out there that prove the wisdom of a child like the one about the eight year-old boy who prayed about a pine wood derby race within his Cub Scout group.  Having made a roughly finished and plain little racer he was quite surprise to win.  His scout master asked him, “So you prayed to win, huh, Gilbert?”  To which the young man replied, “Oh, no sir. That wouldn’t be fair to ask God to help you beat someone else. I just asked Him to make it so I wouldn’t cry when I lost.”

Another story that circulates concerns the clear wisdom shown by a 6 year-old who witnessed the passing of the family pet at the veterinarian’s.  The animal was dying and in great pain.  Putting him to sleep was the humane choice made by the child’s Mom and Dad.  The parents felt it would be a good life experience for boy to witness the death with them, but were concerned about his perceptions.

The little boy seemed to accept the dog’s transition without any difficulty or confusion. Afterwards there was some talk about why dog’s lives are shorter than humans and the little boy spoke up and said “I know why.  People are born and live a long time so they can learn how to live a good life — like loving everybody all the time and being nice.  Well, dogs already know how to do that, so they don’t have to stay as long.”

Driving one day I remember my son, then four years-old and steeped in anti-drug messages from TV, saying to me “Drugs are bad.  Right Dad?” I responded “Yes they are”.  He then asked “then why are there drug stores?”  I had a most interesting time explaining and have never forgotten how clearly he saw things to have asked his question.   

Writing this causes me to make a firm promise to myself.  I will pay more attention to what children and young adults say.  I will do my best to discern between their jewels of wisdom and their childish chatter.  I will not so quickly discount their perspective simply because I think I know “more” than they do.  More is not always better.  Much is not always best.  Innocence can sometimes offer an unfettered perception of things that can’t be seen through the a corrupted view that wisdom can create. 

We worry about what a child will become tomorrow, yet we forget that he is someone today.  Stacia Tauscher

Image by Anne Geddes