A Greater Amount of Peace

Colorful_Peace_by_darksideofthebluesGetting to know myself more intimately and growing wiser with years has helped me see the greatest barrier to knowing “peace” has been ‘me’ all along. Being focused on everything and everyone external as the cause for a lack of tranquility hid the real culprit. But no longer. Awareness I am the key to my peacefulness has been mine for several years now. Yet the newness of this knowledge is still striking when I practice patience and understanding and don’t allow someone to disturb my inner harmony.

Modern technology invades every part of most life today with mobile phones being the primary offender. I feel somewhat incomplete without mine on my hip, but I can live without it for an hour or two. Sadly some people cannot. I have been frequently aghast to notice how inconsiderate some are in use of their cell phone.

This past week I went to the movies. During the prelude of coming attractions were several mentions to set phones to silence and not use them for calls or texting while the movie is going on. So the movie begins and in the row in front of me is mom, dad and two middle school aged kids. One of them proceeds to read texts a half-dozen times during the film.

If you’re like those I have verbally told the story to, the first assumption is one of the children was texting. However, you’d be wrong. It was mom! Of course she is teaching her young teenagers that is it okay to disturb others in a theatre this way. So it’s just a matter of time before her lack of consideration spreads through her kids.

Stepping off my soapbox, I want to stop my little gripe session and move to why writing about someone texting in a theatre is appearing in a gratitude blog. It’s plain and simple: I did not let the mother’s actions upset me. In my past it would have. I would have tapped her on the shoulder and told her to quit, saying I’d tell management if she did not stop. But I looked away and ignored her. There is still a limit where I would have spoken up, but am glad she did not text continually and disturb me enough to take me there.

It’s obvious to no one but me the growth I exhibited in the theatre. That does not matter. I know. While I am not always successful at ignoring what others do and say, the majority of the time I am able to. Instead now I feel a little sorry for the person being disruptive or inconsiderate. I am slightly embarrassed for him or her knowing most others see them as I do; selfish and insensitive. Further, I wonder what sort of life they must have or be having that causes the person to be thoughtless. Such thinking helps me to usually remain peacefully centered and compassionate for others.

Today I am proud of myself and how I took things in stride at the theater. I am proud of ‘me’ and grateful for a greater amount of peace in my life than ever before.

Nobody can hurt me
without my permission.
Mahatma Gandhi

The Crumbling Away of Untruth

tracks and sunset_osage city_018A shortage of happiness I hear talked about frequently but I’ve never heard “there is not enough disappointment in my life”. Those words haven’t fallen from my lips either, yet I know disappointment has been a good teacher. Things not turning out the way I thought has often created a pathway to something better. Dealing with being disappointed helped clear away misplaced beliefs, illusions, misconceptions and self-told lies.

Enlightenment is the crumbling away of untruth. It’s seeing through the facade of pretence. Adyashanti

Most people say the opposite of happiness is sadness. However, I believe feeling empty is the reverse of being happy. It is rare I have ever endured sadness that it was not connected to a happiness I had known. Being disappointed may have made me sad, but it never left me empty.

Happiness and sadness are states of feeling. Sadness isn’t in any way less than happy. Their opposite is not feeling at all. We aren’t here to live in a state of nothingness, in apathy, observing life go by. We are here to create something and forge personal relationships. Ara Bedrossian

Once upon a time I feared unhappiness most, followed closely by disappointment. I have come to see it was emptiness where my darkest times were spent. Those were the times when I felt as if I fit no where or with anyone and lacked purpose or direction. Climbing out of those pits of emptiness, brought renewed clarity about what I really wanted and didn’t want.

Fear is the natural reaction that brings us closer to the truth. Don’t fight the pain, let yourself feel it, accept it, love it. Don’t judge your fear, face it. Emotions come and go like trains at a busy station. You don’t have to get on them. You can acknowledge them without judgment and let them move on. Pema Chodron

There is a Chinese proverb that says you can’t keep the birds of sadness from flying over your head, but you can keep them from nesting in your hair. I am grateful for that little bit of wisdom learned the hard way which has taught me so much.

God makes the life fertile by disappointments,
as he makes the ground fertile by frosts.
Henry Ward Beecher

Only Time Will Tell

2 real selfHaving grown up in 1960’s Alabama, it seemed everyday I witnessed the distance between people; the void between have’s and have not’s and between races. I was blessed to grow up poor in a family that believed all people should be treated with kindness and respect. Trials and difficulty is a great equalizer of people.

By sixteen I had long hair and the south generally did not like “my kind”. I learned first hand what it is like to be refused service in a restaurant and repeatedly heard “is it a boy or girl?”. While tame compared to what many went thought, it was one of the early great lessons of my life. At eighteen I left the deep south to finish my growing up in Colorado with a vow never again make my “down there” and I haven’t (yet, anyway).

Leaving Alabama and Mississippi (where I graduated high school) behind was the first major permanent detour in the life planned as a teenager. I left behind the dream of a scholarship and advanced education at the University of Alabama and of even finishing a college degree. I left behind the first true love of my life, the first girl/woman I cried over. And ever since life has been ever leading me where it does; not necessarily in the direction I imagine.

“We must be willing to let go of the life we have planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us” (credited to both E.M. Forster and Joseph Campbell) sums up what living has shown me over and over: have a general idea of where I’d like life to take me, but be flexible knowing most of it will turn out differently than I imagine. Aging has helped me become more readily adaptable. Now in middle age and having swallowed scores of “never’s” from my teens, gads of “not me’s” from my 20s and baskets of “won’t happen’s” from my 30’s, my view of life is pliable and malleable, and becoming more so.

Life will break you. Nobody can protect you from that, and living alone won’t either, for solitude will also break you with its yearning. You have to love. You have to feel. It is the reason you are here on earth. You are here to risk your heart. You are here to be swallowed up. And when it happens that you are broken, or betrayed, or left, or hurt, or death brushes near, let yourself sit by an apple tree and listen to the apples falling all around you in heaps, wasting their sweetness. Tell yourself you tasted as many as you could. From “The Painted Drum” LP by Louise Erdrich

There have been times I could not see forward. All ahead looked black and bleak. There was little imagination for the future. I’ve lost people I couldn’t for a time live without, but learned to anyway. Professionally I have been blessed with more success than I would have ever dared imagine when younger, but my work has broken my heart far more than romance ever did.

These days there is more hope within me than I previously have ever known. The storm of youth has subsided and I am enjoying the beauty of the late fall of life. The cold of winter is a page or two back on my life calendar, but I am hopeful to live it well. Within love penetrates me as never before with a depth of joy I could not have appreciated when I was younger. I am grateful for the steadfast belief that the best of my life is ahead and that the greatest period of personal development lies there. My instinct tells me not to worry; those good things will be mine, but only time will tell.

How terribly sad it is
that people are made in such a way
that they get used to something
as extraordinary as living.
Jostein Gaardner

Like Friction On the Strings

gmajphotoWhen life seems to have possibility, the present has so much more meaning. I know that psychologists and philosophers say the present moment being lived in is where I should be centered. For the most part I am. However, it’s deeply meaningful how much accepting the real possibilities of life ahead brightens today. The point is not to get stuck there too far ahead of myself.

Certainly to spend too much time daydreaming moves me out of the present and falling head first into “future tripping”. Yet, thinking about what might be and the many branches life might take helps me to make good choices when I come to forks in the road.

Life is painful and messed up. It gets complicated at the worst of times, and sometimes you have no idea where to go or what to do. Lots of times people just let themselves get lost, dropping into a wide open, huge abyss. But that’s why we have to keep trying. We have to push through all that hurts us, work past all our memories that are haunting us. Sometimes the things that hurt us are the things that make us strongest. A life without experience, in my opinion, is no life at all. And that’s why I tell everyone that, even when it hurts, never stop yourself from living. Alysha Speer

Unlike getting lost driving when one can do a u-turn and get back on the intended course, life is lived forward only. The best I can do if a bad choice is made is take a detour and attempt to get back headed in the direction I first intended; or pick a new heading. Sometimes getting lost is how I have discovered myself.  Many of the greatest discoveries about myself have come from a period outside of my comfort zone when I was completely lost and even out of control.

“You’re reaching out
And no one hears you cry
You’re freaking out again
‘Cause all your fears
Remind you another dream has come undone
You feel so small and lost like you’re the only one
You wanna scream ’cause you’re
Desperate
You want somebody, just anybody
To lay their hands on your soul tonight
You want a reason to keep believin’
That someday you’re gonna see the light
You’re in the dark
There’s no one left to call
And sleep’s your only friend
Well even sleep
Can’t hide you from all those tears
And all the pain and all the days
You wasted pushin’ them away
It’s your life, it’s time you face it ”
― David Archuleta

Feeling desperate enough to take a pointed look at my behavior has brought great rewards. The lessons were learned not because I wanted to. There simply was no other choice. With one way out it’s easy to choose that direction. When discomfort and sadness have been strong enough is when I stepped up to face my wrong turns and mistakes.

I am grateful for the grief and sadness of my life for within has been my most prolific teacher. And there I have also gotten the clearest look forward at life’s possibilities. Discomfort has a way of clearing one’s “windshield” forward.

Pain is the greatest of teachers. It makes me look up from wallowing in my own junk. Like friction on the strings toughens a guitar player’s finger tips, I have been made strong.

If you feel lost, disappointed, hesitant,
or weak, return to yourself, to who you are,
here and now and when you get there,
you will discover yourself,
like a lotus flower in full bloom,
even in a muddy pond, beautiful and strong.
From “The Secret Life Of Water” by Masaru Emoto

Jumping To Conclusions

Dont-Judge-a-Book-By-Its-CoverRecently I caught myself red-handed with a large case of mistaken impression. My first thoughts about someone turned out to be negative for no reason or fact. The judge and jury in my mind went to work and jumped to a completely wrong conclusion. Simply I added 2 plus 2 and came up with a total of 13. Wrong… wrong!

Jumping to conclusions is a type of negative thinking pattern, known as cognitive distortions. Cognitive distortions are habitual and faulty ways of thinking that are common among people who struggle with depression and anxiety. Theories of cognitive therapy claim that we are what we think we are. When a person is jumping to conclusions, they are drawing negative conclusions with little or no evidence to their assumptions.

Jumping to conclusions can occur in two ways: mind-reading and fortune-telling. When a person is “mind-reading” they are assuming that others are negatively evaluating them or have bad intentions for them. When a person is “fortune-telling,” they are predicting a negative future outcome or deciding that situations will turn out for the worst before the situation has even occurred. http://panicdisorder.about.com/od/livingwithpd/tp/Jumping-To-Conclusions.htm

There’s a song that says “…it ain’t necessarily so,” and it certainly isn’t. How often we accept someone’s casual remarks as fact. Even appearances can be misleading. But knowing this, we still have a tendency to take a threat and build a yard of cloth.

It makes all the different in the world what we believe. To simply accept an opinion, even our own when hastily formed indicates a lack of sound thought.

We sometimes have the failing of believing everything we hear. But it is far wiser to know, with certainty, the facts about a teaching by looking at its followers.

The eyes and ears of our hearts and spirits are often more accurate in determining right from wrong than we can expect from normal hearing and seeing. From the book “Think On These Things” by Joyce Sequichie Hifler

A simple case of judging a book by its cover; of jumping to conclusions, then realizing it was a wake up call. The message received was to remain a humble student of life. No matter how wise I become I am still very much human and possibly fallible at every turn. Seeking knowledge and working to be a better person, will never bring anything even close to perfection. Sometimes I become a little too self-impressed. I am grateful for the reminder from the school of life.

Good judgment comes from bad experience.
Unfortunately,
most of that comes from bad judgment.
Tara Daniels

For Seekers and Searchers

JDDavis-letting-go-water-efict-gifFor a long while long I have labeled myself a “seeker” and a “searcher”. That comes from an earnest desire to garner more wisdom, to understand and embrace life more fully and to grow my level of contentment and happiness. I think I picked the right labels. How do dictionaries define Seeker or Searcher?

a person who inquires;
 one who looks for truth;
 someone who makes a thorough examination or investigation;
 those who look carefully in order to find something;
 a person who intentionally comes to know

Within my seeking and searching here’s a few random bits of wisdom that have I have assimilated,  backed up by a quote:

Living well takes consistent practice.
As a single footstep will not make a path on the earth, so a single thought will not make a pathway in the mind. To make a deep physical path, we walk again and again. To make a deep mental path, we must think over and over the kind of thoughts we wish to dominate our lives. Henry David Thoreau

You are the fix to whatever bothers you.
No one saves us but ourselves. No one can and no one may. We ourselves must walk the path. Buddha

There is only now. Nothing else.
What matters is to live in the present, live now, for every moment is now. It is your thoughts and acts of the moment that create your future. The outline of your future path already exists, for you created its pattern by your past. Sai Baba

Your difficulties are often your greatest teachers.
Adversity is the first path to truth. Lord Byron

If you keep going you’ll find the answer.
Over every mountain there is a path, although it may not be seen from the valley. Theodore Roethke

The easy way is usually a trap.
The path of least resistance and least trouble is a mental rut already made. It requires troublesome work to undertake the alternation of old beliefs. John Dewey

Experience is the only truth humans readily accept. No matter how often we are told or reminded we don’t accept a fact as 3-dimensional until we have first-hand experience.  I am grateful for the life lessons learned without having to repeat learning them a dozen times.  And for the ones I have yet to learn, I will keep trying until they sink in.

If you find a path with no obstacles,
it probably doesn’t lead anywhere.
Frank A. Clark

No Money and No Home

11Being the fifth car back from the traffic light I could not see her once my car came to a stop. But as I was pulling up into my position to wait for red to become green on the traffic light the woman’s handmade sign was easy to read except the bottom portion her hands holding it obscured: “Homeless Family, needs money for gas…”

I feel for such people who have swallowed their pride to become beggars on a street corner, but have conflicting thoughts about how legitimate their need is and how they will use the money. After all I have read and heard, I am always suspicious.

In the past I have responded to a signs like “No Money, Need Food” by offering to take a beggar to a restaurant and buy them a meal, but I have never had any takers. They simply wanted money and nothing else. It’s estimated the average sign bearer working a busy intersection takes in $100 to $300 per day if they are dedicated. Pan-handling this way five weekdays out of ten and taking in $100 per day would net $13,000 tax-free per year. Working the same amount and getting $300 a day would equal three times that or $39,000. Treated like a real “job” where every other week was not taken “off” these amounts would double.

On-line there are numerous pages of panhandling hints like this:

1- Swallow your pride. You’re going to have to suck it up and be humble.
2- Remember what you’re offering. People give you money because it makes them feel good.
3- Clean up. Before you begin, make an effort to look presentable.
4- Make a sign. A simple sign tells your story—it’s advertising, plain and simple.
5- Find a suitable location. The more traffic you can get, the better.
6- Smile and greet people courteously. You’d be surprised how far a smile will go.
7- Ask for money directly and softly.
8- Remember the regulars. Remember people who give you money regularly.
9- Thank everybody. If someone gives you money, show your appreciation.
10- Offer a small token of thanks. Something cheap and easy, even a painted bottle cap will do.

Yesterday, just before the light changed, the woman holding the “Homeless Family…” sign came into view as she walked to an older SUV parked nearby and spoke to a child in the passenger front seat. The boy looked to be 10 or 12 and I could not help but wonder what he was learning from watching his Mother beg for money. Will the experience entice him to do the same thing and believe he can live without working? Or will it give him strength and determination to try and never be in the same situation.

Red became green and as I passed by the corner the woman was just arriving back at her corner position from talking to her son. The woman and boy remained in my thoughts on and off through out the day with me wondering what their real situation was and what sort of Christmas they might have. In my youth I was never homeless and hungry only because friends took me in for a few weeks while I got back on my feet. I am grateful to them to this day for their help and for what I was taught by having no money and no home.

These are people who never, ever would have
imagined themselves being homeless. Ever!
If you really talk to a large cross-section of people,
you realize that they’re not that different
from us or our uncles or our aunts.
It’s like we know these people.
Linda Murphy

How Far I Have Come

holiday-wreath-762298The Holiday Season this year has me remembering my childhood. The older I get the more good I remember and the more not so good I seem to forget. Once upon a time I spent two Christmases with my Mother and Brother in a four-room clapboard house with cardboard walls.  How far I have come yet how much I remember. The following was originally posted on August 21, 2011.

The House with Cardboard Walls

Once upon a time in the deep South there was an old four-room clapboard house that sat on the side of a paved two-lane country road.  This house had four rooms:  living room, kitchen, bedroom and storeroom.   The toilet was a small building about fifty feet out the back door.

This was an old house that had never been painted on the outside nor finished off on the inside.  The floors were uneven and sagged in places due to the foundation only being stacks of rocks underneath.  In the three rooms used as living space the walls and ceiling were covered with flattened out cardboard boxes that had been tacked to the rough-hewn wall studs.  In most cases the printed side of the cardboard was on the reverse side of what could be seen.  Here and there a few exceptions existed where printing for the products the boxes once contained was obvious.

Each of the four rooms had one window with two panels of four panes of glass.  In two of the rooms a bottom panel would still raise for air a fan pulled in during the summer.  Lack of use in the two other rooms had caused the wood of the window frames to swell into the window casings making them immoveable.

The heat for the house was supplied by a long, squatty cast iron wood stove with stove-pipe for smoke at one end that went up and out through the living room wall.   Doors were always left open into the other rooms so heat could reach there.

One modern convenience the home did have was electricity.  The “juice” powered a single light bulb in each room that hung naked on a wire from the ceiling.  The light was turned on and off by a string that hung down from a switch on the light socket.  There was one wall outlet per room but there was little to plug into them except a B&W TV in the living room and tree lights at Christmas.   Sometimes in the winter when it got really cold the electric stove oven in the kitchen would be turned on and the door left open to add extra heat to the little old house.

The other modern comfort that had been added was running water that came from a well a few hundred yards away that was shared with two other houses.  Water was available only at the sink in the kitchen and there was very little water pressure.  What came out of the faucet was actually more like a good-sized trickle than a stream.  There was no hot water heater.

One bathed in this house by heating water on the stove then pouring it into an aluminum wash basin with a flat bottom and rounded-up sides with a half-inch lip around the top.  With small dents all over from use over a long period of time, the basin was about eighteen inches across and five inches deep in the middle.  With a bar of soap and a bath clothe one washed up.  In the winter this was usually done by the wood store which also served to heat the water in cold months.

There were no door locks on the front and back door.  What kept each door shut was a rough “old-timey” door  latch made of unfinished bare wood with carving marks still clear on them from their making decades before. From the inside you lifted the latch from its catch to open the door.  On the outside a string was threaded through a hole in the door that one pulled to lift the latch on the inside.  A wooden spool that sewing thread had come on was nailed to the outside as a handle to pull the door shut.

This old house was roofed with tin which caused the eves of the roof to echo with any sound that hit it. Especially noticeable was when it rained and the drops pelted the tin making a relaxing and gentle rumble.  One accustomed to the sound was eased into sleep by its calming effect.

The front of the house had a wood porch onto which the front door opened and the living room and bedroom window looked out upon.  I know a story about how two boys, seven and five years old, got into trouble from being out on that porch.  Their mother left very early weekdays for her job in a factory making baby clothes.  The boys were awakened just as she was about to leave for work and were left to get up, get ready for school, make breakfast for themselves and catch the school bus.  The outhouse was way out back and with their Mother gone; the boys got out of bed and avoided the journey out back.  Instead the two boys proceeded out to the front porch and relieved their bladders off the side of it.

One day a car drove by as the boys were peeing off the porch standing there in their “tidy-whities” and undershirts they slept in.  What they were doing seemed so normal to them they kept doing what they were doing and waved to the passer-by they knew.  Their Mother was NOT happy about what the boys had been doing when she was told later by the neighbor driving by who thought what the boys were doing was cute.

How do I know all this?  I lived in this house with my Brother and my Mother for close to two years.  Vivid in my memory is how much trouble we got into for using the front porch as our bathroom.  That old house has been my reference point for all places I have lived in since all were an improvement.  However, I do have vivid gratefulness to that ancient house that still stands today although no one has lived there in a long, long while.  For a time, the old house with cardboard walls kept us dry and warm.  As humble as it was, that place sheltered us from the world and kept us safe.  For what once was a great embarrassment I now find sweet memories and much gratitude.

Home is home, be it ever so humble.
Proverb

 

Players On The Stage

life-lessons-no-school-taughtGood morning to:

The fifth grade teacher who never liked me;
You taught me how impossible it is to please everyone.

The supervisor who stepped aside to let me take blame for someone else,
You taught me knowing someone for years does not make them my friend.

The girlfriend from my junior year of high school;
You showed me how much peer pressure can influence what someone does.

The hospital I stayed at when I was eighteen years old;
You made it abundantly clear that I had to take care of myself.

The company that laid me off months after I moved hundreds of miles;
You taught me that trust was something to not hand out easily.

The driver of the florist delivery van that hit my car;
You taught me to work past pain and to forgive someone who hurt me.

The worker who stole jewelry from my bedroom;
You taught me things don’t matter much no matter how attached to them I am.

The woman I loved who divorced me;
You taught me I did not have to be with someone to love them.

The man I thought was a friend who lied and dishonored me;
You taught me to value true and real friends all the more.

The company who cheated me out of two months pay after I resigned;
You taught me to always get important things written down.

The bank who repossessed my car when I was nineteen;
You taught me the important of being responsible paying my bills.

The science teacher who got the dates wrong for the regional science fair;
You taught me ultimately I am solely responsible for myself.

The job that was so big I could find little satisfaction in it;
You taught me the size and scale of work I am best at.

The airlines that canceled my flights;
You each taught me life goes on whether I am present or not.

The woman I loved who never loved me back;
You taught me no matter what I do some people will never love me.

The my trusted ‘right hand’ manager who violated my trust and got me fired;
You taught me the value of loyal people who are trustworthy.

To all the ones who hurt me, disappointed me, violated my trust, stole from me, broke my heart, took advantage of my innocence, intentionally lied and cheated…

I thank you all. Each and every time pain was initially all present, but with months and years the lesson of the hurt came into focus. It is difficulty that has been my most prolific teacher. Only those people who deserved no place in my life could have taught me to truly recognize the ones who are worthy. I am grateful to all learned the hard way and the players on the stage of each example.

What looks like garbage from one angle
might be art from another.
Maybe it did take a crisis to get to know yourself;
maybe you needed to get whacked hard by life
before you understood what you wanted out of it.
From “Handle With Care” by Jodi Picoult

Presence in the Present

So much of what we think about and are encouraged toward revolve around getting ahead. In general there is nothing wrong with that except it has a tendency to keep one constantly focused on the future with little presence in the present.

We wonder where our love, friend and family relationships are going. We wonder how to move our livelihood forward and brood over making more money. We think about all the things we should do, the projects we intend to take on.

We crave growth to feel a sense of purpose and progress, but why? Is it born in us? Or something we’re conditioned to believe. Quite possibly some of both, but the latter is a stronger force in my opinion. All around us we are coerced into putting so much energy into pushing and striving; so much so we frequently miss out on the joy of being where we are.

There are reminders of this for everyone in experiences that cause us to pause and fully absorb it. When one has climbed a mountain for hours and takes a moment to stand proudly on the peak is one of those times. Seeing my son born was such an experience I described in a journal as being one “that helped me to better understand life at an intuitive level I could not put into words”.

See a child become enamored with something they perceive as amazing can do it; a spectacular sunrise can cause one to stop; an outstanding performance or great art can stop one in their tracks; and one of the most powerful is simply kindness shown at a critical moment which moves one down deep emotionally. All are moments when a person can arrive in the “present”, notice it and for a few moments stay there.

From a purely mathematic viewpoint, it’s obvious we have fewer opportunities to enjoy arriving in the moment than we will have to enjoy the journey. Growing intention to notice the richest moments of life brings more of them. And this awareness brings more special moments to the journey of life. For the school of hard knocks that was my mentor in this learning, I am unassumingly grateful.

It’s not the answers you get from others that will heal you,
But the questions you ask of yourself:
What part of my life feels broken?
What do I need to heal, to learn, to accept, to reject,
Or embrace before I can give myself permission
To simply do what feels right?
Anonymous