Knowledge

When Did I Become an Adult?

/ James Browning

 I certainly have the responsibilities of an adult BUT “when did I become one”?

There was no one hanging around graduation who came up and handed me a small box saying “here’s all the secret knowledge about living that will need now that you have become an adult”.  There were no classes offered to teach me how to be a grown-up.  No invitations to join the institution of adulthood ever came.  No opportunity to have the covert rules and rituals revealed was offered.  There was never a form to fill out so I could enlist to be an adult.

I recall being little and wanting to be bigger.  My memory is clear of being in elementary school wanting to be in high school.  Becoming sixteen wishing I was twenty-one has not been forgotten.  All I know is somewhere between then and now apparently I became an adult… well, sort of… mostly.  What I do know is there’s no test, sudden blinding light of wisdom or tangible event that signified my transition.

Here’s some perspective on “when a person becomes an adult” from teenagers on stayteen.org:  link

  • I will know that I am an adult when I can live on my own, when I am fully capable of surviving independently. I will no longer depend on shelter, food, transportation, and money from my parents.
  • I’ll really know that I’m an adult when I find my passion in life. As you get older you start to see what you are really interested on. Once you hit high school and you have a career that really calls your attention, that’s when I think you are mature because you have a future plan ahead of you, you are thinking college, and you know that you are doing the right decision.
  • I have no idea how I’ll know I’m really an adult. I asked my friends around me when they all thought they would feel like a grown up and they all said “I don’t think you can ever stop growing,” “You may get old but you never stop growing spiritually, emotionally, and mentally.”
  • For the most part I believe there are no adults…that everyone is not always responsible or mature.
  • I think someone is truly an adult when they can make a mistake, take credit for it and work to fix the mistake you made.

There’s some truth in what the teens said, but they are expressing a viewpoint about what they have no knowledge of, so I moved on to facts and figures.  Stats from Larry Nelson of Brigham Young University published in USA Today show  parents and students 18 to 25 years old don’t always agree on what it takes to be considered a grown-up.

Driving a car safely and close to the speed limit
• Students: 49%
• Dads: 75%
• Moms: 81%

Avoid becoming drunk
• Students: 43%
• Dads: 60%
• Moms: 70%

Settled into long-term career
• Students: 53%
• Dads: 31%
• Moms: 39%

Becoming financially independent from parents
• Students: 93%
• Dads: 76%
• Moms: 82%

So the mystery remains.  An answer is an enigma.  I really don’t know when I became “mostly” an adult.  Please note the term “mostly”, because moving completely past youth has proved to be impossible.  I know, I tried.  And now I am grateful for not succeeding.

For the spark of a child that resides within and for the fragment of a teenager that remains, I am grateful.  Those remnants help me to see I did not become something else when I moved (mostly) out of childhood and became  an adult.  Rather I just became more of what I already was.

Everyone else my age is an adult, whereas I am merely in disguise.
Margaret Atwood

The Marble and the Sculptor

/ James Browning / 1 Comment

George Bernard Shaw’s quote pictured just above is good food for thought.  Once upon a time I remember firmly believing I could find myself out there somewhere.  My approach was that of an adventurer.  Simply thinking if “I” am to be found at some location other that where I am, let the journey begin!  And so it did.

I tried changing locales often while searching for “me”.  Within the searching I lived in eight states from the Atlantic to Pacific Oceans and even tried close to a year as an expatriate in a foreign country. There were a few hints and sign posts forward, but there was no”me” there to be found.

I went looking for “myself”  with high focus on interests such as piloting airplanes, professional photography, high-powered rocketry, collecting antiques, travel to exotic places and more.  There was no “me” to be found up in the sky.  No image ever captured did more than vaguely hint at who I might be.  Even when the everyday person I am was mostly stripped away by places where little was familiar only a few vague notions of “me” arrived.

I thought maybe some of the un-located “me” might be in another person and a long list of short and long relationships came and went.  Within those loves and heart breaks there was a moving closer to the destination of “myself” that came through revelations of what I was not.  The trying to fit in and the molding of myself to others painfully taught a lot of what was not “me”, but not much of what “I was”.

As many worthy discoveries come from failure of another intention, the many failings of my choices in time brought me unwillingly onto the path of “creating myself”.   The makings of the “me” searched for through many years had been inside all along!  I had been running away from it hoping to replace what was there unsuccessfully with something else.  When there was not other choice, I became the creating artist of my own life.  Some of the best chisels in my sculpting kit are:

Often being around others working on similar self improvement.
Getting up earlier and giving my most rested hours to myself.
Appreciating what I have instead of wanting something else.
Living first and foremost for myself instead of others.
Looking inward and writing here what I see and feel.
Forgiving others for what they have done to me.
Expectations of good instead of the opposite.
Making amends with those I hurt in the past.
Expanding the good, diminishing the bad.
Working to live instead of living to work.
Forgiveness for things I have done.
Learning to be comfortably alone.
Faithfulness to myself and others.
Belief in a power greater than me.
Being a better friend.
Growing gratefulness.
Staying in one place.
Optimism.
and more.

A great deal of time was spent previously expecting to “arrive” and to instantly have the complete life I thought was my destiny to have.  Now it is clear life is not a destination and is instead something created daily or more accurately, moment by moment.  My discovery has been when I live more fully in the ‘now’ I better ‘carve’ out the “me” I once searched for.  In a relatively short time my future has begun to unfold more as I want and my past has begun to be something I am pleased about.  Being proud of one’s self gives a person amazing strength!

This all sounds simple and it is, but hard to do.  The difficulty is removing the sediment that life puts over us given time.  It’s easy to begin to believe the residue of the years is who and what we are.  I had to dig the mudslide of many years that covered and obscured the “me” with. 

Like a miner I had to remove the layers of mud before the veins of raw gold of “me” could be located.  And only then could the gold began to be processed  and shaped.  Mining of any sort takes strength, determination and consistent digging.  Now instead of a feeling of being lost, I am the daily sculptor and creator of “me”.  The hard work of the task is not a deterrence and I am deeply grateful for the measure of peace and satisfaction the labor now brings each day.

Man cannot remake himself without suffering,
for he is both the marble and the sculptor.
Dr. Alexis Carrel

The Great Weight of Small Joyful Moments

/ James Browning

It is natural for a person to notice and vividly remember moments of great joy and tremendous happiness.  Such beautiful experiences are for most people thought to be the sum total of the best of their life.  Yet, when I focus for a few minutes and mentally accumulate the big joyful moments experienced the initial list I come up with is shorter than I would have first imagined.  As remembrances of first love, the birth of my son, a miracle that saved my family’s life and other momentous occurrences come to mind, the moments of joy listed get smaller in size.    

In a sort of upside down mental pyramid, the biggest joyful moments of my life are at the top of my list with a great number of smaller joys listed below.  While the width and height of each lesser joy is not nearly as weighty as each entry in the big stuff above, it is in the totaled together small elated moments where I find the majority of my life’s joyousness.

A fresh one from yesterday was sitting in private with a part-time employee and her supervisor discussing how she had risen to the task of filling in, since last September, an open full-time position.  We were telling her that six months before we would not have seriously considered her for the position we were about to promote her to.   She had worked hard and shown what she could do resulting in her getting the position she wanted so badly.  In telling her how proud we were of her, my eyes welled up, her supervisors eyes got watery and so did hers.  It was a small moment of pure joy. 

Last week at the end of a business trip I stopped off in Alabama to see my Brother who I have not seen in over two years (shame on me!).  Once at the airport curbside with my bags I called to let him know.  In less than a minute he pulled up in the lane in front of me.  While just seeing him warmed my heart, it was the hug that lingered that touched me down to the core of my being.  In that moment I was reminded that he is the only true goodness I can trace all the way back to where my memory begins.  That realization was another small moment of joy. 

The warmer than usual winter here has fooled the daffodils of early spring into coming up early.  All over my yard the green little stalks are clustered in flower beds, but only one stalk has had the strength to flower.  The temperature has been down into the teens in the last week, but I noticed that one little yellow flower was still standing tall this morning when I took out the trash.  When color is everywhere, a single flower does not draw much notice, but when one dab of bright daffodil yellow is all there is it becomes very noticeable.  For that split second I noticed the bloom alive and well, I smiled and thought to myself “good for you little fellow”.  Another small moment of joy. 

My work has been extraordinarily busy for the last three weeks and I have spent almost no time with my best friend, Mel.  The couple of visits we have been together I have either been tired, distracted or both.  Outside of my Brother and Son, there is no man closer to me and I have missed his company.  Getting an email inviting me to see a movie tonight caused me to smile momentarily with just the thought of hanging out with my buddy.  Another momentary appearance of a tiny joy.

Sometimes joy is a discovery solely within myself.  Seeing the counter of the days I have written this blog cross 292 earlier this week brought a momentary feeling of joy.  That number represents an 80% accomplishment of my goal of writing here every day for a year, something I honestly would not have believed six months ago possible.  Realizing I had found the kind of discipline I have never been capable of brought a joyous feeling for a short moment.

Always I have considered myself to be a sensitive person with good awareness of my feelings and believed those to be accurate self perceptions.  One unexpected jewel of truth gained from writing about gratitude every day, is my level of gratefulness has increased ten-fold.  My heart, mind and soul have been brought to a level of insightful awareness beyond anything I have known or could have imagined. 

Life is blend of difficulty, challenge and grief combined with joy, happiness and delight.  In what measure I focus my thinking on each is the largest determining factor of the quality of my life. It is with much gratefulness I share publicly that personal truth.

Things don’t go wrong and break your heart
so you can become bitter and give up.
They happen to break you down and build you
up so you can be all that you were intended to be. 
Charles “Tremendous” Jones

Progressive Jerks Forward & Developmental Back Stepping

/ James Browning / 1 Comment

With a cut or scratch on my skin, I know with proper care healing will take place.  The deeper the wound, the more time needed for the healing to happen.  Even then there often is a scar and the size of it depends a good amount on the care I take of the wound.

Healing emotional wounds is similar.  How much care I give the abrasion in my psyche affects the mending process.  Just like a visible injury healed on the outer body, recovery of the heart and mind usually leaves behind a scar but inside, unseen.  The inability to see it lends difficulty to knowing when healing has fully taken place.

Ever noticed how when we get hurt physically and someone asks if we are OK, the first response is often “I’m fine”.  My response has been like that when I was in searing pain and ultimately had to get medical attention.  I suppose admitting being hurt suggests some sort of weakness.  Why this is my nature I really have no specific idea, but have been doing it recently by saying I am OK when I really am not.

I am wrestling with an issue with roots back in childhood and tentacles all over my adult. My belief was I had moved past the issue to where it would not bother me again.  That thinking was a mistake.  Just as scar tissue is never as strong as original skin, when recovered emotionally from a childhood wound there remains a tender and easily re-injured scar.

The Buddha said desire was the cause of suffering.  Addiction is compulsive desire run rampant.  From my early adult life I was a relationship addict and had to be involved with a woman to feel complete (if not more than one at the same time).  Like any addiction, desire was never sated for long and over time it took more and more to satisfy the desire if only for a short while.

A part of my healing was to live with loneliness until being with someone was not driven by compulsion.  Will I ever achieve that one hundred percent?  Not likely, but getting the upper hand over that desire is something I am glad happened for me.  However, I have discovered a part of my self-control came from cultivating aversion which actually is not about being healed.  It is rather about building another form of compulsion:  one away from what is desired.

It is healthy to make the discovery I have.  Doing the real work on one’s self to find more contentment in life brings a constant series of doors being opened where an entry point was previously unknown.  This journey of self-discovery is exciting and rewarding while at the same time difficult and worrisome.  Healing and recovery is not a process that moves at a constant speed.  Rather it is a combination of progressive jerks forward and developmental back stepping.

My present challenge brought another little piece of clarity.  It is something I know but was not practicing particularly well:  worry churns the same thought over and over in my head building it to a size beyond its real meaning.  Worrying is just aversion or more accurately, fear.  Slaying this dragon or at least making it my friend means moving past my fear.  I have to walk right into the mouth of what I am afraid of and stride through it in order to move forward.

What you have read today is simply me thinking in written form while sorting out why an old way of being and thinking is affecting me so much.  Sharing publicly here is my way of overcoming contempt and aversion prior to deeper investigation.  Such has been my way with many things.  Building disapproval and even hatred for ways of being in my past is not healthful.  Just admitting that truth will help me overcome my aversion so I can heal better.

In Zen, there is a path called the “Great Doubt” or the “Don’t Know Mind”.  Simply it is only when I accept the answer is not known that it may be found.  As soon as I settle on a quick solution blindness will come over me for other considerations.  As soon as I have it “figured out” that is when I stop learning.

I am grateful to realize the wisdom of every answer I arrive at must be provisional, based on the information I have at that moment and my own ability to see it clearly.  With my current quandary I am uncomfortable, yet am learning greater penetration into wisdom by bearing the questioning.  It is challenge, difficulty and pain that are the most prolific  teachers.

Today I will not fear change and new ways of seeing or being.  I will not hold discomfort at arm’s length.  Without fear of the learning’s impact on my life I will let insights openly come so the lesson being taught can find me   I am grateful for the new perceptions that will help me to do just that.

Growth means change and change involves risk,
stepping from the known to the unknown.
Anonymous

To Love More and Be Happy

/ James Browning / 3 Comments

A company business trip took me to the Florida for most of the week.  The trip was completed with a stop in Alabama to visit family for a couple of nights.  As much as I no longer find business travel to be enjoyable, the first part of the trip was more than a fair trade-off  to see my Brother, his wife and my niece.

Arriving home late yesterday afternoon I was near a walking zombie.  The meetings of the week started early and the evening dinners went late.  Arriving home my state was near exhaustion.  Too tired to unpack and too wired to go to bed at 7pm, I turned on the cable box to find something interesting to unwind and decompress with.  I ended up on pay-per-view stumbling across a documentary called “I Am” by Tom Shadyac who directed movie comedies such as “Ace Ventura:  Pet Detective” “Patch Adams” and “The Nutty Professor”.

For some people there are events that happen which are deeply life changing.  For Shadyac it was post-concussion syndrome after a 2007 bicycle accident in Virginia.  A 2011 New York Times article stated that: the symptoms of a concussion (didn’t) go away. Something as simple as a trip to the grocery store was painful for Shadyac, whose brain was unable to filter various stimuli. After medical treatments failed to help, he isolated himself completely, sleeping in his closet and walling the windows of his mobile home with black-out curtains. As his symptoms finally began to subside, the director wanted to share his inner quest in the way he knew best: through film. 

Shadyac gave away much of his fortune mostly through donations to worthy causes.  He reoriented and simplified his life, sold his 17,000-square-foot home and moved into a trailer park in Malibu.  Some think he “lost it” but after watching his documentary I think his experience enabled him to “get it”!

In the film, Shadyac does interviews with scientists, religious leaders, environmentalists, and philosophers focusing on two questions:   “What’s Wrong With the World?” and “What Can We Do About it?”  The documentary is about “human connectedness, happiness, and the human spirit” and explores the nature of humanity and our world’s ever-growing addiction to materialism.  In the trailer for the film Shadyac says he went looking for what was wrong with the world and found instead a lot of what was right about it.

Although some reviewers have not thought kindly of Shadyac’s documentary, I was moved to tears by what I saw and heard.  I don’t think he worries much about what others think as Tom Shadyac has found his own personal truth, something most people never even brush up against, much less tell the whole world about.  As the centuries-old wisdom in the “I Ching” says before a brilliant person begins something great, they must look foolish in the crowd.

Here’s are some of Tom Shadyac’s favorite quotes that shed light on his point of view and that of the documentary:  

“…Our life might be much easier and simpler than we make it…Why need you choose so painfully your place, and occupation…? Place yourself in the middle of the stream of power and wisdom which animates all whom it floats, and you are without effort impelled to truth, to right and a perfect contentment.”

“Study to overcome that in yourself which disturbs you most in others.”

“We don’t see things as they are. We see them as we are.”

“When we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”

The final essence I am left with now some twelve hours after seeing Tom Shadyac’s “I Am” documentary is my life is better when I am guided more by my heart than my mind.  Within my feelings are the strongest and truest connections to my most authentic self.  I have known for a good while my mind spins falsehood and fabrication with regularity, but my heart rarely does.  The key for me is to tune out my egoic mind’s loud and constant talking when I can in order to hear and feel the soft voice of my heart.  While my practice of that wisdom is far from perfect, my gratitude is large to simply have knowledge of it.  I get better at living it every day. 

link to film website and trailer for “I Am”

When all your desires are distilled
You will cast just two votes
To love more
And be happy.
Hafiz

Like Wet Cement

/ James Browning

Years ago scientists conducted experiments proving wind is essential for a tree’s healthiest development. When grown in an overly protective environment without experiencing the wind and the elements, a tree’s roots grow shallow and weak.  Conversely, trees that grow in an environment with natural forces create a strong and flexible root system.
 
Vegetation that grows in rain forests frequently has less dense and shallower roots as compared to those growing in areas that receive more moderate amounts of rainfall.  When rain is too plentiful at the surface a plant does not have to grow deep and durable roots to be quenched. 
 
Plant life that is able to eek out stunted life in arid and near desert areas usually has deep and often immense roots.  With so little water, the plant has to look everywhere it can to find enough water to stay alive.  These plants often have evolved to go dormant and be near lifeless between rain falls in order to survive.  Not infrequently they die.
 
Human life has some parallels. 
 
Learning from a normal and moderate of “turbulence” encountered in life, a person can grow up experienced, knowledgeable and able to cope.  This wisdom is not automatic, but can be gained fairly easily while growing up in a supportive environment if one is paying attention and learning the lessons presented.  Like wind through a tree strengthens a tree as it grows, challenge and difficulty of life can help a person build strong roots where they cannot be easily toppled. 
 
A person overly protected growing up will often not have a firm foundation of life experience to keep them well rooted.  Love and caring in good amounts makes a life “well watered” with love and esteem.  Excessive amounts figuratively drown a person emotionally.  Like a tree with shallow roots, someone who grew up too sheltered will frequently find their ability to cope with life’s challenges falling short.  Getting knocked down easily is often their lot in life. 
 
Too little “watering” with care and love, a child’s emotional development is stunted and does not develop normally.  Such a person will often seem to be emotionally unavailable and appear to have dormant feelings.  When the need has primarily been to survive psychologically, one mostly develops those coping skills and little else.  It can be very challenging to interface with others for these people as they simply do not know how to.

The result of “too little watering, care and feeding” emotionally during formative years can be the root of all sorts of issues from anxiety and addiction to codependence and depression. While controversial in some medical circles, a lack of unconditional love early in a person’s life can result in what is called “Emotional Deprivation Disorder”. 

E.D.D was first noted by Dutch Dr. Anna A Terruwe in the 1950’s and is a disorder characterized by difficulty in forming relationships with others, a general feeling of inadequacy, and oversensitivity to criticism.  Emotional Deprivation Disorder results from a lack of authentic affirmation and emotional strengthening in one’s life. A person may have been criticized, ignored, neglected, abused, or emotionally rejected by primary caregivers early in life, resulting in that individual’s stunted emotional growth.

Some who have been adopted and grew up in loving and supportive homes may still have issues along the lines of E.D.D.  It is not uncommon for an adoptee to struggle with feelings of abandonment and rejection they feel about their biological parents. 

Unaffirmed people suffering most from E.D.D. are often incapable of developing into emotionally mature adults until they receive authentic affirmation from another person(s). Maturity is reached when there is a harmonious relationship between a person’s body, mind, emotions and spiritual soul under the guidance of their reason and will.
 
Does Emotional Deprivation Disorder actually exist?  I can’t speak from a medical or clinical point of view.  My thoughts originate solely from my personal experience.  Without a doubt I suffered for many years from the symptoms of E.D.D. without knowing exactly what the cause was.  Getting involved in therapy, exploring and making peace with my childhood and becoming an active member of Codependents Anonymous has made a huge difference in my life. 

The majority of the time now I enjoy a “harmonious relationship between body, mind, emotions and spiritual soul”. The lack of “care, watering and feeding” of my youth has been largely overcome.  I am deeply grateful for my recovery and thankful to be able to pass on to others a little of what I have learned.

Children are like wet cement.
Whatever falls on them makes an impression.
Dr. Haim Ginott

A Beautiful Struggle

/ James Browning

For close to 20 years, when asked what I hoped for most my answer was the same:  I want peace.  My desire was for tranquility within; for the storm of emotions to die down to a distant soft rumble; for feeling so constantly troubled to change.  What I wanted so badly is found in a basic definition of peace:  freedom from disturbance; quietness; tranquility; calmness; stillness.

The reasons peace stayed beyond my reach were within since I was little, but I did not consciously know that for a long, long time.  My first hand awareness did not begin to come until my late 30’s.  That wish alone for peace was the actual beginning of moving toward it.  However I was 50-something before I had enough focus to make changes for the better and begin to find “freedom from disturbance”.   That came not in doing away mentally with what happened to me when younger, but instead learning to coexist with those things.  I had to learn to see clearly through and beyond my “junk from childhood”.

Here’s a teaching tale told about Buddha that helps to explain, at least in part, how to find peace.   Once Buddha was walking from one town to another town with a few of his followers. While they were traveling, they happened to pass a lake. They stopped there and Buddha told one of his disciples, “I am thirsty. Please get me some water from that lake.”

The disciple walked to the lake. When he reached it, he noticed some people were washing clothes in the water and others were bathing in the lake.  As a result, the water was stirred up and murky.  The disciple thought, “I can’t give this muddy water to Buddha to drink!” So he came back and told Buddha, “The water in there is very muddy and not fit to drink.”

After about an hour, again Buddha asked the same disciple to go to the lake and get him some water to drink. The disciple obediently went back and found all the bathers and washers were no longer in sight.  Now the lake was clear. The mud had settled down and the water above it looked clear and clean.  He collected water and brought it to Buddha.

Buddha looked at the water, and then he looked up at the disciple and said, “See what you did to make the water clean. You let it be … and the mud settled down on its own – and you got clear water.  Your mind is also like that. When it is disturbed, just let it be. Give it a little time. Let thoughts pass and your mind will settle down on its own. You don’t have to put in great effort to calm it down. It will happen. Let go your grip on your thoughts and it becomes effortless to gain peace.”

That’s a great story, but does not address how one lets go of habitual ways of thinking and stops threshing in the mental water making it muddy.  My efforts for peace within could not take root until there was awareness for what caused my mind to be muddy.  I had to bring to the surface my childhood traumas and abuse, make them commonly known and accepted.  Then through hard work, healing and understanding the majority of their energy over me was taken away.   I had to cultivate a new way of being to let the “water of my mind” clear.

Breaking habits and ways of being so deeply ingrained was literally “facing my own dragon”, learning I could not slay it and befriending him instead.  And in doing so I took away the negative fire of my dragon and learned to coexist with him.  I learned “peace does not mean to be in a place where there is no noise, trouble or hard work.  It means to be in the midst of those things and still be calm in your heart”.

Some things I learned are good weapons to use when my “dragon” wants to breathe fire:
Read, study and learn
Spread good feelings and kindness
Be as present as possible in the “now”
Love without boundaries as much as I can
Forgive and remember forgiveness is an act of peace
Cultivate and tend empathy and understanding of myself
Meditation and reflection are acts of encouraging internal peace
Stay involved with others who bravely battle what I do (self-help meetings)
Be kind to others and myself keeping mentally fresh that kindness is an act of peace

Happiness and suffering are states of mind, and so their main causes cannot be found outside the mind.  The knowing intellectually of that truth combined with actions to practice it has been life changing.  I am incredibly grateful!

Life is a beautiful struggle.
Martin Luther King

Quiet Joy

/ James Browning

Give thanks for a little and you will find a lot.
Nigerian Hausa proverb

Still sleepy and only minutes after rising from bed I was headed to the kitchen to make coffee.  As I walked down the hall a greater than usual sense of gratefulness struck me. Now about ten minutes later I decided to make a list of what readily comes to mind today that I am grateful for: 

I am not just alive, but in good health and able to do most anything.

I have a healthy, curious mind that always wants to learn.

The bed I slept in last night that was so comfortable with covers that are clean and warm.

The house where I live that keeps me safe.

Central heat and air that makes my home cozy.

The comfy clothes I am wearing and the great variety of other things to wear in my closet.

Indoor plumbing that allows me to have a working bathroom.

Electricity for my alarm clock that woke me, for the lights that make the dark, light and power my coffee pot.

The dish washer I unloaded while I smelled the coffee brewing.

The trash pickup that comes today I was reminded of as I took a bag to the curb minutes ago.

The computer where I am writing this now. 

A well stocked refrigerator that allows me a variety of choices for breakfast.

I am decadently spoiled having three cars for just the “one of me”. 

I am in love and am loved.

Caring friends I know I can count on to be there for me.

A good job that is challenging and  I enjoy most days.

A television and more channels than I can ever watch on cable and music of all sorts to enjoy.

A stove to make breakfast on this morning.

The pictures in my office that remind me of my son I am very proud of.

The photographs leaning against the walls in the hall that need to be hung knowing I am lucky to have the equipment to have taken them.

The overall peace of mind I enjoy that comes from facing my demons and doing the hard work necessary.

I can afford a cleaning lady who will come today to make my home squeaky clean.

The books laying all around the house and in my library that have been my greatest educators.

Working senses of taste, smell and touch… seeing eyes and ears that hear.  

The knowing without doubt there is a power beyond me, even if I don’t understand it.   

In the fifteen minutes it took me to type the list above of what quickly bounced into my head to be grateful for, my overall mood improved markedly.  And I was feeling good to begin with!  Although it has happened many times, I am still frequently blown away by the positive impact of openly expressing gratefulness.  The abundance enjoyed is beyond what I could ever have dreamed of as a child.

Life has shown me clearly that gratitude truly is one of the most important ingredients of a fulfilling life.  I am thankful for all my blessings and even more so, for the capacity to know gratitude for them.    

There is a calmness to a life lived in gratitude, a quiet joy.
Ralph H. Blum

Can I Trust You?

/ James Browning

Definition of trust:
A firm belief in the reliability, truth, ability, or strength of someone or something;
being able to predict what other people will do and what situations will occur.

“Can I trust you?”  Numerous times greater than needles on a pine tree I have faced that question.  Sometimes my response is “yes, I can” and gratefully I am correct more often than not.  But with higher frequency than I wish were true it is my discovery my trust was ill placed.

Wisdom gleaned from living has made me more discerning about who deserves my trust but still at times I will rely on those I should not.  Problem is I really want to trust everyone, but reality keeps showing me I can’t.  Instead I have to be reminded that trust has to be earned even knowing then no certainty is created.

Sometimes my disappointment is small.  I have faith in someone to return a book I loaned them and am let down when they don’t remember borrowing it.  Or, I trust a person to keep a confidence and they tell someone.  Or another will say they will do something and forget their words were ever spoken.  Such is the realm of everyday life.

If honestly is to prevail, I must admit the person who frustrates me most by violating my trust is me!  Let me explain.  I promise to faithfully begin working out once the weather turns cooler and the heat is gone, but the cold comes with me still parked on the couch.  I make the commitment to stop interrupting others while in conversation but find myself still doing it far too often to be considered an occasional mistake.

From John Mayer’s song “I Don’t Trust Myself…”
No I’m not the man I used to be lately
See you met me at an interesting time
If my past is any sign of your future
You should be warned before I let you inside.

Those words describe a warning that once could have been said truthfully about me.  With my best effort I attempt to not go tripping in my past, but being human invariably I do here and there.  Forgiveness is within for the vows of faithfulness broken in two marriages, but just because I forgive myself does not mean I have forgotten those ultimate violations of trust.   I have paid my penance, done my time in therapy and have grown beyond breaching such trust.  I learned from the mistakes made and am a better man now.

There is plenty in my past to regret, but tears and painful, sleepless nights of self-punishment have been paid.  Today I am a faithful man beyond doubt, but I do it for myself.  Being loyal to another is good for me, even more so than for the object of my fidelity.  Being proud of one’s self is a good addiction to cultivate.

One of the most painful aspects of trust is when one is being honest, but viewed as being deceitful.  It took a long time for the realization to come that telling the truth is all that is required.  Whether another believes me or not is their business, not mine.  If I have been honorable and am viewed otherwise the dishonestly is solely in the other person and his or her inability to see the truth when is presented.

Ultimately I have arrived in the here and now to be one of the most trustworthy people I have ever known. I know this to be true for it is with myself I live every moment of every day.  None of my actions or thoughts are a secret from me.  No longer do I need to try the impossible task of outrunning or fooling myself.  The transformation inside has been remarkable as I have learned to live up to my own standards.  Simple?  YES!  Hard to do?  YES, but worth every ounce of effort, sweat and tears!   Living parallel to my beliefs brings a sweet taste to living I have never known before.  I am grateful for the satisfying taste of my life today.

As soon as you trust yourself, you will know how to live.
Johann Wolfgang von Goeth

Unruly Children and Childish Adults

/ James Browning

Some people spend leisure time keeping up with their favorite TV programs or sports teams.  Others enjoying going out frequently and being on the go.  Some give their available time to volunteering or supporting causes dear to them.  Many have lives so filled with responsibility there is little time except for trying to do what has to be done.  I don’t fit into any of those exactly, but have symptoms of all of them from time to time.

Generally I spent a good bit of time with friends, my son or the love in my life.  Otherwise on any given day I am most apt to spend spare time at home with my nose in a book or reading on-line.  The older I get the more insatiable my desire to learn has become and the greater my yearn to grow as a person has increased.  Those are mostly good things, except when I allow my self-absorption to take over a little too much.

In my daily grazing on the ‘Net’ and looking for inspiration for the writer in me, I came across a blog entry titled “40 Things To Teach My Kids Before They Leave Home” link by a woman only identified as Sherri.  In her article is a good list of admirable behaviors almost all parents hope to teach their children.  Here are four of the lessons Sherri says “I will teach my kids”:

– that they can be happy if they choose to be happy.

– to focus on enjoying what they already have instead of wasting time focusing on what they don’t have.

– that it’s okay to be wrong as that’s how we learn.

– that life is short and that they should make the most of each and everyday. They should do things that make them smile, that make them feel alive and energized. Live.

There are some of us who accept our parents did the best they knew how but also know their parental performance left a great deal to be desired.  There are those who were hard-headed, stubborn, even high rebellious as children who never “got” what parents were trying to teach.  Then there are those who moved through childhood being taught and guided well overall who grew up to be relatively well-balanced and happy adults.  I am one of the first group and was left as an adult to teach the child within some of the behaviors that are most healthy for me.

The four items above from “Sherri” are all ways of behaving I accepted long ago as being wise.  Knowing is a far cry from doing.  Having not been well taught such things nor having any discernible examples to follow, such habits never became instinctive. Consequently, here in the late middle of my life I am growing by being a parent to myself the adults of my youth never were.  John Lee wrote a book titled “Growing Yourself Back Up” whose title accurately describes the process and its content has helped me achieve the title’s premise.

One of the issues of a lack of upbringing in some areas is that childish behavior gets brought into adult life.  To me such things seemed natural as that is the way I had always been.  To other adults some behaviors looked like how a kid might conduct them self.  The scenario is one where the child within me always thought some problems were because of the ‘others’ way of reacting and being, when in fact the problem was me all the while.  I am certain there are two wives in my past and a number of others who would agree completely there where frequent times in my past when I behaved like a child!

There has been no miraculous cure.  No grand epiphanies have arrived.  No self-help book fixed me.  Rather by slowly acquired simple awareness, understanding and forgiveness I have become a kinder and gentler man who treats everyone, including myself, much more appropriately.  A slow and difficult process for certain, but one of the most rewarding of my life.

In the end I don’t believe any of us are ever completely grown up and thinking to the contrary only makes that point more readily true.  For everyone there are places in childhood where we got stuck on something and never completely moved past it.  That’s OK.  It is healthy to admit it.   Acceptance of my shortcomings, flaws, mistakes, failings and imperfections is at least half of the remedy for them.  To know this wisdom and to practice it as best I can each day is a way of living that fills me with gratitude and thankfulness.

In the United States today, there is a pervasive tendency to treat children as adults, and adults as children. The options of children are thus steadily expanded, while those of adults are progressively constricted. The result is unruly children and childish adults.
Thomas Szasz