Knowledge

A Cow in the Car

/ James Browning

Through a good bit of intention and healing, I began to have dreams again about four years ago after barely dreaming for a long, long time. Most every morning I awake now with bits and pieces of my nighttime subconscious wandering in my thoughts.  Much like one who has eaten spaghetti can end up with a few specks of sauce on them I may not remember the whole dream, but wake with little splatters of it on my mind.

This morning as I rose and began the transition from being asleep to an awakened state I was aware of a few random pieces from the night’s dreaming forays. One found me walking down the steps for side seats at an arena for some sort of show and I was dismayed there were no hand rails. In my dream my thoughts were someone was going to fall and get hurt so I made my way down carefully.

In another dream remnant I was younger and still lived with my first wife. We had just moved to a different house and opening the front door early in the morning I was dismayed to see she had let a cow spend the night in our car (the cow apparently came with the house?!). When expressing my displeasure about the damage the cow had done inside the vehicle, her reply was something like “it had to stay somewhere and I didn’t know where else to put it”. Just as odd was the car I imagined was actually one owned a LONG time ago; a mid-70’s burgundy Pontiac Grand Prix “land-yacht”.

A hundred years ago Sigmund Freud thought dreams were a secret windows into the frustrated dreams of the unconscious and believed sex was the root cause of what occurs while dreaming. Dr. Freud opened the door to modern psychoanalysis and made many lasting contributions, but many of his thoughts about dreams, including that dreaming is all about sex, have been proven to be hogwash. Can you imagine what Freud might have said if I could have told him about my dream of the cow staying overnight in my car? Even the thought makes me laugh out loud!

Letting the thoughts about last night’s dreaming kick around in my head I got curious to know a little more and did a little surfing on the ‘net. First, I discovered most people over the age of 10 dream at least 4 to 6 times per night during REM sleep (Rapid Eye Movement). During REM periods our brains become as active as they are during waking, although not all parts of the brain are reactivated. Dreaming periods vary in length from 5 to 10 minutes for the first REM period of the night to as long as 30-35 minutes later in the night. Too bad we can’t remember them in detail as I bet they’d make great books and movie scripts sometimes!

Next I looked into what generally people dream about frequently. The following is a composite list from several sources of what is said to be the most common subjects for dreaming:

Being chased – Thought to be an indication of a threat that is felt in waking life.

Missing an important event because of being late – Looked at to be regret over a missed opportunity, inability to make a connection, or desire to pull oneself together.

Finding yourself naked in public – Perceived to have to do with feeling exposed, vulnerable and/or awkward and may or may not have any sexual meaning.

Falling – General interpretation is falling indicates feelings of insecurity, lack of support or feelings of isolation (common among professional men and women).

 Flying – Felt to represent ambitions and the important part is said to be how you are flying: successfully, trying and failing, flying high or low as possible, etc.

 Losing teeth – Thought generally to indicate insecurity about appearance. Also, since teeth are used to bite, chew, and tear, some dreaming about losing them can mean a loss of power or fear of getting old. (most common among menopausal women).

 Snakes – Many dream analysts believe dreaming of snakes signifies some hidden threat. Also, since snakes shed their skin, some believe dreaming of them may also signify renewal and transformation.

 Trapped – Perceived to mean one feels they cannot change their situation and are trapped by it; literally locked in a cage of sorts in real life.

I rarely stew about the subjects of my dreams and my memory of them evaporates quickly anyway for the most part. However, my dream about the cow spending the night in my car will be the subject of amusing thought for a good while to come. That dream image is vivid in my mind even as while writing this and makes me smile at its absurdity! Today I am grateful simply to have dreams, whatever they mean.

Dreams are answers to questions we haven’t yet figured out how to ask.
X-Files

This Magnificent Cosmic Dance

/ James Browning

This past weekend I read an article about our planet’s physical place in the universe that noted what I already knew: the Earth is one of the smallest planets in our solar system. What I had not been exposed to before was when the author went to note the Earth’s size makes for an estimated share of the total universe of 0.000000000000000000000000005%.  If our entire planet represents that small of a number, imagine how many zeros it would take to represent the share percentage for my physical form!  In the grand scheme of things I am indeed tiny beyond words.

Everything that exists, as we know it, originated from the same source of energy. We are connected to the entire universe.  We all came from a mother called the “Big Bang” and what followed creation. Nothing is better or worse. Everything just is. This unifying view helps me know that my smallness does not make me irrelevant.  Anything large is made up of many pieces that are small and within that structure I matter.

Although I adore traveling to see, touch and learn about foreign places my sphere of experience includes only a tiny portion of the planet.  My “world” that I live more than 90% of my life within is no more than twenty miles from where I sit typing these words on a keyboard.  It is here in “my world” that I am sizeable enough to influence in a noticeable what is around me.

The attitude that I show others, whether strangers or those I know well, sends a small ripple into my world.  A smile or a kind word has an effect on some and on others it rolls off like water on a duck’s back. At least for a few my kindness will be received openly and added to that person’s persona that in turn gets passed on to others.

Being a law-abiding citizen has an effect on those around me.  Because I choose to live responsibility, I make my community safer for all those who occupy it with me.  While a person being “good” is often overlooked and taken for granted, it is just such mundane decency of many that makes an area a pleasant place to live.

The greatest impact I have on anyone is that I have on my self.  The manner I treat “me”, the way I think of myself, the things I do to shape my being, the thoughts about the world that float in my head and the work I do or don’t do to grow and evolve all work together to shape the person that is me.  And who I am affects the world I live in and in the tiniest and smallest way imaginable, the universe is effected.

Sometimes it is my perceived imperfections that keeps me from realizing my place in the grand scheme. Yet, it was imperfection that allowed creation and life to materialize in the first place.  Since perfection can not be improved on, there would have been no need for a power greater than us bring the cosmos into existence.  It is through perfect imperfection that we came to be.

In only the last hundred years has mankind learned of the great energy stored within very tiny particles that when released for a split second changes everything nearby. Carol L. Bowman, MD wrote: Everything in our universe is made of energy. It has been said that we humans are able to perceive only approximately 1% of all the energies that exist. We are able to perceive, through our five physical senses, a limited range of smells, sounds, sights, sensations, and tastes. All of these are perceived via energetic vibrations interacting with our physical sense organs, and thus relaying messages to the brain that we can relate to and understand, based on our understanding of the world in which we live. Thus, our reality is strictly based on our ability to perceive. And we are only able to perceive 1% of what exists!

Whether I am only a small, nearly invisible, almost nonexistent, blip within the universe or a tiny particle releasing great energy that contributes greatly to all that is and ever will be does not matter.  I saw it once expressed beautifully this way:  We are part of an ever-expanding carnival of energy; we are fortunate to be able to experience and participate in this magnificent cosmic dance.

As my life ticks away one day at a time whether I accept what happens or not, it is still going to happen.  The only wise way of proceeding is for me to embrace what is happening and move forward.  As personal as I think my life is, it is only one of billions being lived at this moment like billions and billions that have come before. All things considered it is wisest for me to live in a way where I lighten up, try my best not take anything too seriously and take nothing that happens personally.  All I need to do is live as well as I can.

In her book “Dancing the Dream” Jamie Sams wrote about a vantage point toward life the Southern Seers maintain.  It begins with the question what does one get for living a good life?  The answer?  A good life!  I am grateful for mine!

When I read the Bhagavad-Gita and reflect about how
God created this universe everything else seems so superfluous.
Albert Einstein
The universe is like a safe to which there is a combination
But the combination is locked up in the safe.
Peter De Vries

Most of Them Never Happened

/ James Browning

There is a guy in this 30’s I work with who is quite a cynic but calls himself a “realist”.  A few days ago in conversation I said to him “realist is just another name for a pessimist”.  He is the sort that often finds things to be down about or else he anticipates something of the sort will come his way.  Reflecting later on what I had said, the feeling was a bit of research is in order.  I began by looking through definitions for pessimist, realist and optimist.

Pessimist:  tendency to stress the negative or unfavorable or to take the gloomiest possible view.  The doctrine or belief that this is the worst of all possible worlds and that all things ultimately tend toward evil.  A pessimist is someone who is rarely disappointed, but sadly, very rarely pleasantly surprised.

Realist:  do not see the glass as half empty or half full, but see what’s exactly in the glass.  Rarely try to make a bad situation seem better than it is, but also never sabotage any good things going on.  Realists are brutally honest in assessments of situations – and this seems to help them cope.

Optimist: expects a favorable outcome.  The tendency to expect the best, look for good in all things and have hopefulness of the ultimate triumph of good over evil while believing this is the best of all possible worlds. The state of being cheerful or hopeful about the future and about the world around you.

William Arthur Ward pointed out his view of the differences between the three when he said The pessimist complains about the wind; The optimist expects it to change; The realist adjusts the sails.  Another related thought is a pessimist is a misunderstood realist, who would like to visit the planet optimists live on, but wouldn’t like to live there.

Optimist is fairly easy to get a grasp on. In trying to get further separation between realist and pessimist I came across the statement “hyper-realism and pessimism are the same thing” and that rings true to me.  I ended up with a clear view of optimism but thinking that the boundary between realism and pessimism is a very thin one and has mostly to do with how strongly a person’s attitude leans positive or negative.

Researchers believe that a pessimistic attitude might negatively affect health. Studies conducted in the Netherlands around fifteen years ago point to a probable link between pessimism and heart disease. The studies followed over 900 Dutch citizens from ages 65 to 85 over the six-year period. Each participant was ranked on a scale of optimism and pessimism. The study found that 30.4% of the optimistic participants died during the study period, compared to 56.5% of the pessimistic participants.

And there’s more.  In a study of 99 Harvard University students, those who were optimists at age 25 were significantly healthier at ages 45 and 60 than those who were pessimists. Other studies have linked pessimistic thinking with higher rates of infectious disease, poor health, and earlier mortality.

Optimists seem to have it best.  They don’t give up as easily as pessimists. They also tend to experience less stress than pessimists or realists. Because they believe in themselves and their abilities, they expect good things to happen. Optimists see negative events as setbacks to be overcome, and view positive events as evidence of further good things to come.

Optimistic people, get sick less often, they are more successful in their careers, they make more money, they’re happier and they tend to live longer. When it comes down to it, positive, optimistic people are happier and healthier, and enjoy more success than those who think negatively. The key difference between is how they think about and interpret the events in their life.

Positive and negative thoughts can become self-fulfilling prophecies: What I expect can often come true. If I start off thinking I will mess up a task, the chances are that I will. I may not try hard enough to succeed, I won’t attract support from other people, and I may not perceive any results as good enough.

Generally speaking the American public divides itself with an approximate split of 50% optimistic, 40% realistic and 10% pessimistic.  It’s important to note that psychology has proven that about 50% of our happiness levels are set at birth by our genes.  That leaves the other 50% within our control.  Anybody can learn to be more optimistic and thus happier if they want to.

If you will call your troubles experiences, and remember that every experience develops some latent force within you, you will grow vigorous and happy, however adverse your circumstances may seem to be is a quote from John Heywood I agree with completely.  Through application of such thinking to my approach to life there has been a dramatically positive shift for me within the last ten years.

I  realize now my friend at work is probably a true realist who is fairly neutral about things most of the time. Once upon a time I identified myself as a “realist” also but was actually a pessimist who could not admit it to myself or anyone else.   Today I choose to be  optimistic and am grateful for the goodness that approach brings.  It was in deciding not to dwell on negative things ahead of time, and not “borrow trouble” as my grandmother used to call it, that brought a true change. Mark Twain summed it up in a sentence:  I’ve known a great many troubles, and most of them never happened.  I am a recovering realist, who today leans toward being an optimist.  I am thankful for how much better such a view makes life!

A man is but the product of his thoughts.
What he thinks, he becomes.
Mahatma Gandhi

I’ve Learned…

/ James Browning

Good morning! I do my best to keep original the majority of what I put here each morning. Today is an exception. Saved on my computer I came across “I’ve Learned…” which I tucked away about five years ago during some of the darkest days of my life so far. Those were times filled with doubt, depression, self loathing and grieving the ending of a marriage. The words originally by Kathy Kane Hansen then added to and adapted by Omer B. Washington speak to me strongly still. I hope they serve you well to as a reminder of many things as they really and truly are.

I’ve learned that you cannot make someone love you.
All you can do is be someone who can be loved.
The rest is up to them.
I’ve learned that no matter how much I care,
some people just don’t care back.
And it’s not the end of the world.
I’ve learned that it takes years to build up trust,
and only seconds to destroy it.

I’ve learned that it’s not what you have in your life,
but who you have in your life that counts.
I’ve learned that you can get by on charm for about fifteen minutes.
After that, you’d better know something.
I’ve learned that you shouldn’t compare yourself
to the best others can do,
but to the best you can do.

I’ve learned that it’s not what happens to people,
It’s what they do about it.
I’ve learned that no matter how thin you slice it,
there are always two sides.
I’ve learned that you should always leave loved ones with loving words.
It may be the last time you see them.
I’ve learned that you can keep going
long after you think you can’t.

I’ve learned that heroes are the people who do what has to be done
When it needs to be done
regardless of the consequences.
I’ve learned that there are people who love you dearly,
but just don’t know how to show it.
I’ve learned that sometimes when I’m angry I have the right to be angry,
but that doesn’t give me the right to be cruel.
I’ve learned that true friendship continues to grow even over the longest distance.
Same goes for true love.

I’ve learned that just because someone doesn’t love you the way you want them to
doesn’t mean they don’t love you with all they have.
I’ve learned that no matter how good a friend is,
they’re going to hurt you every once in a while
and you must forgive them for that.
I’ve learned that it isn’t always enough to be forgiven by others.
Sometimes you have to learn to forgive yourself.
I’ve learned that no matter how bad your heart is broken,
the world doesn’t stop for your grief.

I’ve learned that our background and circumstances may have influenced who we are,
but we are responsible for who we become.
I’ve learned that just because two people argue, it doesn’t mean that they don’t love each other.
And just because they don’t argue, it doesn’t mean they do.
I’ve learned that sometimes you have to put the individual
ahead of their actions.
I’ve learned that two people can look at the exact same thing
and see something totally different.

I’ve learned that no matter the consequences,
those who are honest with themselves get farther in life.
I’ve learned that your life can be changed in a matter of hours
by people who don’t even know you.
I’ve learned that even when you think you have no more to give,
when a friend cries out to you,
you will find the strength to help.

I’ve learned that writing,
as well as talking,
can ease emotional pains.
I’ve learned that the people you care most about in life
are taken from you too soon.
I’ve learned that it’s hard to determine where to draw the line between being nice
and not hurting people’s feelings and standing up for what you believe.
I’ve learned to love
and be loved.
I’ve learned…

I am grateful for the deeply emotional feeling I get when I read the words above. The thoughts have a way of penetrating to my core and reminding me the way things actualy are. The better I become at living life as it is insteadinstead of the way I fantazie it might be, the better being alive is. I am very thankful for this insight.

I don’t believe that life is supposed to make you feel good,
or make you feel miserable either.
Life is just supposed to make you feel.
Gloria Naylor

A Cumulative Treasure

/ James Browning

There are many great thinkers and doers I was never taught about in school.  They were left for my eventual discovery at a time when I am capable of appreciating them. As a kid I would not have understood what those men and women stood for or have learned anything but surface facts anyway.

Bertrand Arthur William Russell is one of those whose wisdom and legacy I have only encountered in recent years. He was a British philosopher, mathematician and writer known for his work in broad range of subjects from education and history to philosophy and social commentary. It is the latter two for which I have become an admirer.

Noted for his many spirited anti-war and anti-nuclear protests, Russell was a prominent public figure until his death at the age of 97 in 1970. He never slowed down until the very end and lived his life about as fully as a person can. At the beginning of his autobiography is the following abundantly real prologue that within a few paragraphs tells pointedly who Bertrand Russell was and what he believed.  The second paragraph when he writes about love I find particularly meaningful.

 “What I Have Lived For” by Bertrand Russell

Three passions, simple but overwhelmingly strong, have governed my life:  the longing for love, the search for knowledge, and unbearable pity for the suffering of mankind. These passions, like great winds, have blown me hither and thither, in a wayward course, over a great ocean of anguish, reaching to the very verge of despair.

I have sought love, first, because it brings ecstasy – ecstasy so great that I would often have sacrificed all the rest of life for a few hours of this joy. I have sought it, next, because it relieves loneliness–that terrible loneliness in which one shivering consciousness looks over the rim of the world into the cold unfathomable lifeless abyss. I have sought it finally, because in the union of love I have seen, in a mystic miniature, the prefiguring vision of the heaven that saints and poets have imagined. This is what I sought, and though it might seem too good for human life, this is what–at last–I have found.

With equal passion I have sought knowledge. I have wished to understand the hearts of men. I have wished to know why the stars shine. And I have tried to apprehend the Pythagorean power by which number holds sway above the flux. A little of this, but not much, I have achieved.

Love and knowledge, so far as they were possible, led upward toward the heavens. But always pity brought me back to earth. Echoes of cries of pain reverberate in my heart. Children in famine, victims tortured by oppressors, helpless old people a burden to their sons, and the whole world of loneliness, poverty, and pain make a mockery of what human life should be. I long to alleviate this evil, but I cannot, and I too suffer.

This has been my life. I have found it worth living, and would gladly live it again if the chance were offered me.

I read Russell’s words again for the umpteenth time and am moved even more deeply than each previous reading.  They educate me at a core spiritual and emotional level beyond my ability to describe intellectually.

Whether from a century just past or millenniums ago, the richness of wisdom and knowledge others have left behind is a cumulative treasure I benefit from today. We all do if we pay attention to what has come before us. Mr. Russell died the year before I graduated high school. I believe he would be pleased of my eventual discovery of him at a time when I can appreciate what he had to say. It has been my discovery that reading what great men and women had to say is a tremendous way of gaining time-tested insight. This knowledge does not make my life any easier. Rather, it makes it more understandable and to have greater meaning to me. It is with humble gratitude I acknowledge that.

 Judge a man by his questions rather than by his answers.
Voltaire

Look Closer; See

/ James Browning

When an old lady died in the geriatric ward of a small hospital near Dundee Scotland , it was believed that she had nothing left of any value. Later, when the nurses were going through her meager possessions, they found this poem. Its quality and content so impressed the staff that copies were made and distributed to every nurse in the hospital. This little old Scottish lady, with nothing left to give to the world, is now the author of this ‘anonymous’ poem winging across the Internet:

Crabby Old Woman

What do you see, nurses. What do you see?
What are you thinking. When you’re looking at me?
A crabby old woman, not very wise,
Uncertain of habit, with faraway eyes?

Who dribbles her food and makes no reply.
When you say in a loud voice “I do wish you’d try!”
Who seems not to notice the things that you do,
And forever is losing a stocking or shoe?

Who, resisting or not, lets you do as you will,
With bathing and feeding, the long day to fill?
Is that what you’re thinking? Is that what you see?
Then open your eyes, nurse, you’re not looking at me.

I’ll tell you who I am as I sit here so still,
As I do at your bidding, as I eat at your will.
I’m a small child of ten with a father and mother,
Brothers and sisters who love one another.

A young girl of sixteen with wings on her feet
Dreaming that soon now; a lover she’ll meet.
A bride soon at twenty; my heart gives a leap,
Remembering the vows that I promised to keep.

At twenty-five now, I have young of my own,
Who need me to guide and a secure happy home.
A woman of thirty, my young now grown fast,
Bound to each other with ties that should last.

At forty, my young sons have grown and are gone,
But my man’s beside me to see I don’t mourn
At fifty once more, babies play round my knee,
Again we know children, my loved one and me.

Dark days are upon me, my husband is dead,
I look at the future; I shudder with dread.
For my young are all rearing young of their own,
And I think of the years and the love that I’ve known.

I’m now an old woman and nature is cruel;
Tis jest to make old age look like a fool.
The body, it crumbles, grace and vigor depart,
There is now a stone where I once had a heart.

But inside this old carcass a young girl still dwells,
And now and again, my battered heart swells.
I remember the joys, I remember the pain,
And I’m loving and living life over again.

I think of the years all too few, gone too fast,
And accept the stark fact that nothing can last.
So open your eyes, people, open and see,
Not a crabby old woman; Look closer…see…ME!!

Dang it!  Why does that poem bring me near tears each time I read it?  Who am I feeling for?  All of us I think, young and old, for the most part we have lost the ability to prize something highly valuable.  I am uncertain how, why or exactly when American culture began to value youth as the ultimate prize and to see elderly people as mostly worn out and useless. The more age pushes me toward my elder years the more I am aware of it, for in small ways turning somewhat invisible to those much younger has begun to happen to me.

With so much experience and so much to share, it is troublesome how old people get treated like they are either not there or just in the way. Since we all don’t want to die, why is it we fear getting old so much? That question illustrates the insanity we live within today; an unanswerable paradox.

I am grateful for coming across the elder lady’s poem again.  It is a reminder to practice more consistently what I began some years ago: to try imagine an old person as they were when “my age”. This is a very imperfect way of getting my mind straight for my view of them.  I wish I did not need such a crutch. However I am glad for a way of seeing that helps me to see an elderly person as a peer; another person just like me instead of some very old person who I have so little in common with.

Resolve to be tender with the young,
compassionate with the aged,
sympathetic with the striving,
and tolerant with the weak and the wrong.
Sometime in your life you will have been all of these.
Dr. Robert H. Goddard

The $#*! Kids Say

/ James Browning

These quotes are uninhibited comments made by British children taken from a commercial airing in the UK for a nonprofit organization:

(little boy) I was 6 on the 50th of November.

(little girl) Do mommies teach babies how to laugh or do they know already?

(little girl) Dolly’s having a Vodka.  Have another vodka Mummy, you like it.  Have another vodka.

(little boy) I don’t have a bedtime because my Mum doesn’t get back until really late.

(little girl) Shut it, you’re doing my head in. I’m warning you.

(little boy) Can I go to your house?  (WHY?)  Because I don’t want to go back to my house.

(little girl) I’m a mistake.  It’s always my fault.

(little boy whispering) Daddy banged my eyes on the floor.  It’s a secret, I’m not allowed to tell.

The comments from the TV advertisement start out amusing cute as little kids often are.  But the young children’s comments that follow are alarmingly honest about their fears and show how they are shaped by what they see and experience.  This is a tender subject for me because I was abused as a child.  Even just writing that brings relieve.  My denial for many years only made the effects worse.

I experienced “covert sexual abuse” which comes from what a kid is exposed to.  I saw and heard way too much, way too young.  There was some physical abuse by the man I refer to as “the evil stepfather” with his tendency to take punishment too far. But the most damaging was neglect and being made to feel unloved and unwanted.

Susanne Babbel, Ph.D., M.F.T. wrote Child neglect is more common than you might think. Comfort, nourishment, shelter, and care should be things that a child can take for granted. Unfortunately, child neglect is a rampant problem that statistically exceeds child physical and sexual abuse in the U.S. The National Child Abuse and Neglect Data System defines neglect as a type of maltreatment that refers to the failure by the caregiver to provide needed, age-appropriate care although financially able to do so.

1) Physical Neglect – Children need basic necessities as everyone: food, clothing, shelter, but are reliant on others to provide these necessities.
2) Educational neglect – Failure to provide a child with adequate education.
3) Emotional neglect – Consistently ignoring, rejecting, verbally abusing, teasing, withholding love, isolating, or terrorizing a child.
4) Medical neglect – The failure to provide appropriate health care for a child (although financially able to do so).

The latter two were a constant part of my childhood while number one popped up from time to time.  I was lucky that school was a place that cost a lot less than daycare which allowed me the opportunity to get a good education.

Long and hard I have worked to overcome the trauma of my childhood and its effects are greatly diminished today.  I don’t blame my parents.  They were 18 and 19 years old when I was born and were basically “babies having a baby”.

The point I want to make is neglected children are in danger of not developing properly.  The hidden danger of child neglect – the one that may not be apparent for many years but which can stick with a person for their lifetime – is Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.  It can deeply affect a child psychologically and emotionally with long-term effects.  Children who experience neglect early in life may be at risk for a lifetime of trouble attaching properly in relationships.

I know all about PTSD, love avoidance, codependence, sexual compulsion, moderate depression and surviving childhood trauma as those six things are what professionals pointed out to me long ago as my ‘issues”.  I do not write here about my childhood baggage for sympathy or pity. Rather my intent and hope is two-fold:  1) To help parents see the impact their actions can have on their children and 2) to encourage adults who were abused as children to seek help and realize life can get better if you work at it.  I am living proof!

Intellectually I have come a million miles past my  ‘junk’ and most of the time it lives in remission.  When those old ghosts get loose today I am much better at withstanding their attacks than ever before.  And for that I am immensely grateful!

Although the world is full of suffering, it is full also of overcoming it.
Helen Keller

Go here for the complete TV commercial being aired in the United Kingdom by NSPCC (National Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Children):  link

The Only Life You Could Save

/ James Browning

One of the type phrases I have worked diligently to eliminate are statements like “she made me angry…”, “he made me feel bad…”, “they caused me to feel self-conscious.” and any other assertion that pushed the majority of my mood or state of mind off on someone else.  Certainly what others do, affects me.  Being long shy of perfection, the actions and words of others do get to me, but far from how the once did.

If I could soak up only the good effects that come from praise, positive acknowledgement or expressions of caring and love, that would be wonderful.  I am glad to be “made” by others to feel such things and choose to be effected by them.  However, the tendency is to reflect away the pleasant to some degree and soak up the negative to a point beyond what was said or done.  It is a human condition that dates back to living in the wild when acute awareness of what was bad, wrong or dangerous kept one alive.  That sensing ability is not without benefit today, but I would be better if about 90% of that sense left me.

I know the effect on me of another’s actions or words is in vast majority my choice.  No one makes me feel ANYTHING unless I give my permission.  No longer does that old dodge for my feelings and reactions work well for me.  Once the truth is known, it is quite difficult to delude one’s self any more.

“THE JOURNEY” by American poet Mary Oliver

One day you finally knew
what you had to do, and began,
though the voices around you
kept shouting
their bad advice—
though the whole house
began to tremble
and you felt the old tug
at your ankles.
“Mend my life!”
each voice cried.
But you didn’t stop.
You knew what you had to do,
though the wind pried
with its stiff fingers
at the very foundations,
though their melancholy
was terrible.
It was already late
enough, and a wild night,
and the road full of fallen
branches and stones.
But little by little,
as you left their voices behind,
the stars began to burn
through the sheets of clouds,
and there was a new voice
which you slowly
recognized as your own,
that kept you company
as you strode deeper and deeper
into the world,
determined to do
the only that you could do—
determined to save
the only life you could save.

These days I am focused on saving and shaping the one life I have control over: MINE!  In the doing of it there has been a discovery I actually can change others indirectly.  As time passes others notice my genuine growth and peace of mind and end up wanting some of what I have.  It is a path I can instruct others about.  The best I can do is illustrate what I have learned through my actions and thereby teach by example.

Once upon a time “I walked mostly in the dark of ignorance”, but now make my way largely “in the light of knowledge” learned the hard way (at least the majority of the time!).  To be grateful for the person I am today, gratitude must be genuine for every trial and problem faced.  Those challenges, especially the ones I could not imagine how I was going to live through initially have brought my most profound teachings.

Don’t settle for comfort.
Don’t ignore the emptiness.
Seek love.
KatieP – http://head-heart-health.com/

To Be Certain is Ridiculous

/ James Browning

Just before starting out the door of my home, a feeling comes that I should take an umbrella with me.  I stop and pick it up but think to myself “I won’t need this.  It’s sunny with only a 30% chance of rain.  There’s no reason to take it”.  So I lay the umbrella down, take a step away and the sense that it should go with me ripples through me again.  I think to myself “why in the world am I pulled to take this with me?”.

I have learned to pay attention to such “feelings” and believe in them.  The umbrella incident really did happen recently.  Yes, I did take it with me and sure enough a few hours later it kept me dry as I headed into the grocery store.

There is knowledge beyond wisdom and consciousness that arrives as intuition as solid and certain as fact.  No longer do I question it or wonder where such “feelings” come from.  There is no remaining quandary about whether such guidance comes from my subconscious, a “higher power” and some sense beyond those fully developed within me.  I just know the “feelings” are important and the more I pay attention to them, the more frequent their occur.

There is a Taoist story of an old farmer who had worked his crops for many years. One day his horse ran away. Upon hearing the news, his neighbors came to visit. “Such bad luck,” they said sympathetically.  “May be,” the farmer replied.

The next morning the horse returned, bringing with it three other wild horses. “How wonderful,” the neighbors exclaimed. “May be,” replied the old man.

The following day, his son tried to ride one of the untamed horses, was thrown, and broke his leg. The neighbors again came to offer their sympathy on his misfortune. “May be,” answered the farmer.

The day after, military officials came to the village to draft young men into the army. Seeing that the son’s leg was broken, they passed him by. The neighbors congratulated the farmer on how well things had turned out.  “May be,” said the farmer.

Sometimes I wish I was a wise old monk who grasps more completely the meaning and is capable of living fully the wisdom of such teachings.  My appetite for life is too broad and my will too insatiable for such quiet resolve to fill in all the space within me.  However, the ability to embrace insight and allow it to benefit me has taken strong root. No longer do I ignore a ‘feeling’ to take something along with me or that I must do something particular.  I pay attention even though I don’t understand.

Not agitating the world or by it agitated,
They stand above the sway of elation,
Competition, and fear, accepting life
Good and bad as it comes. They are pure,
Efficient, detached, ready to meet every demand.
They are dear to me who run not after the pleasant
Or away from the painful, grieve not
Over the past, lust not today,
But let things come and go as they happen.
from the Bhagavad Gita

Belief and faith do not require facts in order to be.  Truth is truth whether it can be verified or not.  The best of life such as love, passion and compassion need no proof beyond their existence to conclusively show they exist.

Confidence for what cannot be proven factually is the very essence of faith in whatever manner it manifests itself.  Accepting “what is” and paying attention to what I feel are two of the key teachings I have come to accept in recent years.  What great and wonderful life changers!  My gratefulness is weighty and solid for the knowledge and direction that comes from a source I believe in but can’t prove.  But most of all I am thankful for the faith that connects me.

To be uncertain is uncomfortable, but to be certain is ridiculous.
Chinese saying

To Risk My Significance

/ James Browning

For a long, long time I thought I lived openly…at least in the vast majority of ways.  My secrets were either ancient history or had to do with relationships with the opposite sex. Somehow I managed to compartmentalize my behaviors believing that the 85% of my life where I was open and honest (work, friends, money, associates, etc) more than made up for the 15% where I often lived dishonestly (affairs, relationships with women, etc).  Yet, for that small percentage my dishonesty hurt them 100% and contributed to self-loathing suffered for a long time.  Thankfully that sense about myself is for the most part gone now, although self forgiveness has been hard.

Feeling better has to do with changing behavior and not having secrets.  No longer is worry about being found out a near constant apprehension.  It seems crazy at this point that I lived in two marriages that were fraught with a lack of honesty yet somehow thought everything could be OK.  Pure delusion!

By choice I live an authentic life today and am able to honestly be who I am.   It was VERY difficult to throw off the old habits.  Learning my bad behavior came mostly from insecurity and issues of abandonment helped, but it took “knuckle-busting” work to grow past my old ways.  I had to face my “monsters” and fight them through some dark days and nights.  But I did it!

I will not die an unlived life.
I will not live in fear of falling or catching fire.
I choose to inhabit my days,
to allow my living to open me,
to make me less afraid, more accessible,
to loosen my heart until it become a wing, a torch, a promise.
I choose to risk my significance,
to live so that which came to me as seed goes to the next as blossom,
and what which came to be as blossom,
goes on as fruit.
Living Wide Open: Landscapes of the Mind By Dawna Markova

Life has become no less challenging, but has gotten simpler with out lies and rampant self-delusion.  Contentment and even happiness and joy are not longer strangers to me.  I only have to be one person with a singular personality and story.  No longer am I living different lives simultaneously resulting in uncertainty and confusion about exactly who I am.  As Markova’s poem above says… I have “loosened my heart” to “allow my living to open me and make me less afraid”.

Day to day life is more exciting and sometimes more unsettling than it used to be because it is lived just as it comes to me.  I embrace the good and beautiful and accept the bad and ugly with a knowing that even the best life is rounded with both.

One source of real joy that has found me has come through spending time with friends and making new ones.  I go out more than I ever have and spend less time in front of the television.  Listening to music and reading still take up a good bit of my time, but those hours are spent in a healthy way.  Never in my life can I remember going to three concerts within a few days, but last week I went to three!  Good for me.  I am no longer living an unlived life!

The goodness and balance in my days is better than ever.  I am  grateful to feel better about myself and living than ever before.

I choose to live love.
And I fully believe that life is not meant to be anything other
than the experience of passion, delight, creativity, peace, love, gratitude.
Any struggle, exertion, challenge, climb, exhaustion is self-induced…
a moment I refuse to open my heart;
instead choosing to cling to something of this earth.
Adrienne from her website Experience Life Fully