Knowledge

What Do I Feel?

/ James Browning / 1 Comment

Having been in recovery from codependence for over four years, it is easy to notice how much better off I am now.  The “constant noise and emotional confusion” inside has dimmed to just a whisper the vast majority of the time.  While not true 100%, mostly the “not good enough feelings” are greatly diminished or gone entirely.  That is a near miracle!

What is codependence?  An answer from:  http://www.allaboutcounseling.com/codependency.htm

Codependency is a set of *maladaptive, *compulsive behaviors learned by family members in order to survive in a family which is experiencing *great emotional abuse; pain and stress.

*maladaptive – inability for a person to develop behaviors which get needs met.
*compulsive – psychological state where a person acts against their own will or conscious desires.
*sources of great emotional pain and stress – chemical dependency; chronic mental illness; chronic physical illness; physical abuse; sexual abuse; emotional abuse; divorce; hypercritical or non-loving environment.

As adults, codependent people have a greater tendency to get involved in “toxic relationships”, in other words with people who are perhaps unreliable, emotionally unavailable, or needy. And the codependent person tries to provide and control everything within the relationship without addressing their own needs or desires; setting themselves up for continued un-fulfillment.

Even when a codependent person encounters someone with healthy boundaries, the codependent person still operates in their own system; they’re not likely to get too involved with people who have healthy boundaries. This of course creates problems that continue to recycle; if codependent people can’t get involved with people who have healthy behaviors and coping skills, then the problems continue into each new relationship.

I borrowed the definition of codependency, to set up the following story from the book “Tuesdays With Morrie” by Mitch Albom.

On this day, Morrie says that he has an exercise for us to try. We are to stand, facing away from our classmates, and fall backward, relying on another student to catch us. Most of us are uncomfortable with this, and we cannot let go for more than a few inches before stopping ourselves. We laugh in embarrassment.
 
Finally, one student, a thin, quiet, dark-haired girl whom I notice almost always wears bulky, white fisherman sweaters, crosses her arms over her chest, closes her eyes, leans back, and does not flinch, like one of those Lipton tea commercials where the model splashes into the pool.
 
For a moment, I am sure she is going to thump on the floor. At the last instant, her assigned partner grabs her head and shoulders and yanks her up harshly.
 
“Whoa!” several students yell. Some clap. Morrie finally smiles. “You see”, he says to the girl, “you closed your eyes.  That was the difference. Sometimes you cannot believe what you see; you have to believe what you feel. And if you are ever going to have other people trust you, you must feel that you can trust them too – even when you’re in the dark, even when you’re falling”.

As I have been able to let go of being what I thought people wanted me to be and instead keep healthy boundaries and be true to myself, life has greatly improved.  However, there are still times when I get bewildered.  Coming to “believe what I feel” is a challenge then when I am emotionally like a seven year-old boy trying to sort it out.  When one has “put on” feelings and ways of being for as long as I have, it can hard here and there to know what is pretend and fake from what is real and true.  But every day this gets a little easier.   

I am very grateful for what I have learned and put into practice through my involvement with Codependents Anonymous.   Application of such things is responsible for a great improvement in the quality of my life.  I am glad to say I am happy most of time.  When I ask myself “what do I feel?”  An answer does not always come, but usually one does.  I am very thankful to be the most emotionally healthy today I have ever been. 

The walls we build around us to keep sadness out also keeps out the joy.  Jim Rohn

Find out more about codependence here:

http://www.webmd.com/sex-relationships/features/signs-of-a-codependent-relationship

http://www.allaboutlifechallenges.org/codependency.htm

http://www.addictionz.com/20_questions_for_codependents.htm (20 question quiz to find out if you might suffer with codependence

Chivalrous Until Death

/ James Browning / 2 Comments

 As long as I live I will not forget an occurrence in  Chicago about 20 years ago.  Winter was upon Chi-town and everyone was bundled, scarf’d and glove’d up.  It had been snowing lightly all morning.  In the city on business I had just gotten out of a cab and was walking toward the doors of an office building for an appointment.  Even though I was a few minutes late, I stopped to open the door for a 20-something woman.  She was insulted!  WHAT?!?!   

I was shocked.  Immediately the woman I opened the door for went into a 10 second diatribe so well-organized and rehearsed I realized later she had delivered it many times.  The barbs the young woman threw at me were something like “I am perfectly capable of taking care of myself and don’t need a chauvinistic male like you to open doors for me.  I take it as a personal affront that you think as a woman I am weak and require your assistance.  Take your macho male b@!ls#!t and shove it!”  Then she stormed through the door.  I just stood there dumbfounded while continuing to hold the door for at least a few seconds.  Another guy who heard what she said just looked at me, then her and shook his head.   

I was raised with a sense of old-fashioned traditional values that include saying “please and thank you”, showing respect to elders, letting women and children go first and opening doors for ladies of ALL ages.  The woman I encountered in Chicago was no lady!  To this day I wonder what happened that made her respond the way she did.  Was it she was overweight and physically unattractive and lacked male attention that she reviled any man who reminded her of the lack?  Did she hate men?  I have no idea.  Whatever it was, it is her problem.  Not mine.  I believe chivalrous acts are beautiful trimmings of human experience.  All my life I will continue to practice those respectful acts knowing 99.9% appreciate the gestures.  (I also open doors for men and am usually the last through).

Apparently opening doors for ladies goes back to the days when the women of nobility wore ornate gowns and outfits. In a full formal outfit, a lady could not reach the door if she tried – at least not in a fashionable way that conveyed the grace she was portraying.  Her escort thus opened the door for her.  Women today benefit from a lot that has come about in the last 50 years to shore up inequality they previously suffered under.  Even today there is improvement needed.  I believe today’s women are inherently powerful and capable but also believe chivalry still has its place.  Kindness and respect still matter! 

I was alarmed to find an article in a Great Britain newspaper titled “Men Who Hold Open Doors for Women Are SEXIST Not Chivalrous, Feminists Claim”.  Supposedly researchers from the Society for the Psychology of Women conducted a study among workers of both genders in America and Germany.  Their conclusion was men who open doors for women are guilty of ‘benevolent sexism’.  Also, according to the new study by a group of feminist psychologists referring to a group of men and women as ‘guys’ is a no-no.  (I got corrected once for that back in the mid-80’s in California by a group of four women).  The article goes on to state that women are unaware of it but are unwittingly affected because it helps to create a culture of women being seen as the vulnerable sex who need a man’s help. 

There’s a Bob Seger song that contains the lyrics “Call me a relic, call me what’cha will.  Say I’m old-fashioned.  Say I’m over the hill”.  If those words fit, then so be it.  I believe a real man always opens the door for a woman.  A woman who does not allow a man to open the door for her, or has stopped expecting it, has lost her way. To me being polite to the opposite sex will never go out of style regardless if that woman is a boss, mother, sister, daughter, friend, or stranger. 

Added as a footnote, I do have one pet peeve about the matter of opening doors.  I believe my chivalrous duty is not the public at large. I don’t know how many times I’ve opened a door for a woman then stood there holding the door for a gaggle of complete strangers. Consequently, the woman accompanying me was left standing in the lobby alone, waiting.  I try to be courteous to everyone, but my priority is with the woman I am with.  

This morning I am grateful for the two older women I opened the door for yesterday while out shopping. They smiled at me as if I had given them a momentary priceless gift reflected in their direct eye contact and a “thank you sir” spoken with great sincerity.  And to the woman in line at the registers I let go in front of me, I regret that such kindness came as such a surprise you felt you had to gush your thankfulness.  At the time I was in a hurry but not so much I forgot my manners.  I am glad to have put a little positive energy into your day. It is my honor to open doors for women and I am grateful to those who appreciate it.  Even for those that don’t, it is the gift of respect I give that benefits the giver:  ME! 

Gallantry to women – the sure road to their favor – is nothing but the appearance of extreme devotion to all their wants and wishes, a delight in their satisfaction, and a confidence in yourself as being able to contribute toward it.  William Hazlitt

Power of the Written Word

/ James Browning

Writing here and allowing others to know my deepest thoughts, both the admirable and venerable and the dark and painful, has been an interesting experience.  Of all those whose feedback I receive it is often those who perceive they know me best who are seem surprised most.  

What is found on this blog is a sort of self-therapy, where I open myself to write unfiltered for my own eyes to see more clearly the musing that swims within.  Casting them into the world forces me even further to face them.  No running away when anyone can read them!  There are dear friends who make comments like “let her go”, “you’re pretend happy”, “stop thinking like that”, “you imagine things that can never be”, “you’re wallowing in your pain” or simply “that’s a fairy tale”.  I reflect back two thoughts:  “How effective is it to tell someone in pain to stop hurting” and “If I am happy in my delusion, what is the harm of it”. 

How richly I am blessed to have friends who care about me so much they wish to ‘set me straight’.  I know they have only the very best intention in mind.  My gratitude is deep and wide for those who love me and wish my life to be better.  I am richly blessed. 

My finding is when I release my thoughts to the world in an uninhibited and often down-right raw manner that gesture alone is healing for me.  By sharing my undisclosed and concealed secrets, positive and negative, I become mentally quieter and more content. 

A yearning of mine may appear to some to be pure fantasy or wishing for the impossibly perfect. Usually I know when I am expressing one of those dreams one wishes for knowing it is somewhere between highly unlikely and completely impracticable.  Thinking in such a manner has brought the hidden child within me back to life with sparkling hope.  Just as a five-year-old wishes for innocent whimsy, the dream alone is the answer to its wish. 

A pining for a long-lost love or rehash of old childhood pain is only a further release for me of tension and discomfort that remains.  With each little spew and hiss of words, the pressure of the slowly diminishing hurt is relieved a bit more:  a healthy practice.     

How often I have failed to understand the emotion behind the content of an email as I paint the words on the screen with the emotional color I add.  I am coming to realize that each person who reads what I write here filters my words differently.  The meaning received by each reader is different from the next and frequently askew by a little or a lot of what I was thinking and feeling when the words first appeared on my screen.  That’s OK! 

What pleases me most is I am striking chords within others.  As a friend accurately pointed out, people usually respond strongest toward what we read or hear when the content is already alive within the reader.  To share about pain can awaken someone else to release a bit of a hurt.  To share about joy can renew another’s delight. To share about anguish can rouse and help diminish a reader’s agony.  To share about gladness can rekindle bliss…. And so on.    

From an article titled “Word Play: The Power of the Written Word in Ancient Israel” by Joey Corbett comes:  To the modern world, the written word is often taken for granted. We are so removed from the origins of writing that when we write something, whether on a piece of paper, on a sign or on the internet, we don’t even think about the physical act of creating words. For us, writing is simply a means to an end, an almost primordial and instinctive technology that we use to communicate with each other. 

… when alphabetic writing had just begun to spread across the masses of the ancient Near East, written words were far more than idle marks meant simply to be read. Words were repositories of power, physical vessels that gave material reality to one’s innermost thoughts and even the soul itself. 

The magical properties of writing meant that written words, once they came into being, were active and sometimes even unstable forces that could be manipulated, both for good and for ill. 

As an avid reader since early childhood, I am grateful to see the return of the power of the written word.  For soon to be a hundred years the spoken word has grown in strength through radio, telephone and television.  With the internet  written word that has become powerful again.  Whether expressing deep emotions that touch others or writing of injustice that overturns governments, we live again in a time of power for the written word.  I am very grateful for this turn of events and hope my small contributions serve in some small way to better life for a few in this modern world.   

Words must surely be counted
among the most powerful drugs man ever invented.
Leo Rosten

A Crack in Everything

/ James Browning / 1 Comment

With hours on airplanes and in airports last week I was able to finish a hard to put down book titled “Flourish” by Martin Seligman, PhD.  I have read several of Dr. Seligman’s books on the subject of optimism, happiness, character strengths and innate virtues including his books “Learned Optimism” and “Authentic Happiness” (both of which I recommend).  Over and over in multiple studies he continues to prove that attitude and belief shape our lives more than we imagine.  Here’s one example noted in “Flourish”:
 
Sandra Murray, professor at the State University of New York at Buffalo, has done an extraordinary set of studies on good marriage.  She carefully measures what you think about your spouse: house handsome, how kind, how funny, how devoted and how smart he is.  She poses the very same questions about your spouse to your closest friends, and she derives a discrepancy score: if you think more of your spouse than your friend do, the discrepancy is positive.  If you are a “realist” and you are more pessimistic about him than your friends, the discrepancy is negative.  The strength of the marriage is directly a function of how positive the discrepancy is.  Spouses with very strong benign illusions about their mates have much better marriages.  The mechanism is likely that your spouse knows about your illusions, and he tries to live up to them.  Optimism helps love, Pessimism hurts. 
 
So how do you like “them apples”?  I found those words to be informative and bittersweet.  Today I realize readily that my attitude and thinking has a great deal to do with the outcome of things.  The bittersweet comes from acknowledging within each of two marriages my pessimistic thoughts about my wife were a sizeable factor in the eventual end of those unions.  I have no specific idea why the crazy compulsion of wondering if there was someone better out there for me remained so consistently pervasive.  Each time I loved and was loved within one of these meaningful long term relationships, my thinking was part of their undermining.  Yes, there were other factors,  ones that on their own might surely have caused the demise of the marriages, but my thinking was certainly fuel on the fire.
 
There is a line of thinking that goes something like “why do people allow what is known to be met with contempt, while holding the unknown with desire and admiration?”  Stated a different way; “why does someone new look more attractive than one that is known?”   Certainly this is human nature, but why is that?   (That’s  subject for a future blog).

In the lore of love and tales of romance, initial attraction and love at first sight are scattered consistently.  That imagining combined with some physical, shall we say hormonal, attraction seem to me to be factors in people wondering if there is more outside marriage.  Real life counters such thinking. An important part of a compatible relationship is ensuring that each partner’s values coincide, and to learn that takes time, discussion, observation, and interpersonal interaction, not an initial impression based on superficial cues, says James C. Piers, Ph.D., professor and program director of social work, at Hope College in Holland,MI.
 
From an article attributed to Match.com called “The New Rules of Attraction”:  You can check off the attributes you want—appearance, background, education, career, salary—but unless you’re building your lover in a lab, you’re missing out. Of course, you should have standards and not settle for a two-pack-a-day smoker who doesn’t want kids when you’re allergic to smoke and eager to start a family. But settling for nothing less than perfection is unrealistic. “Wish lists are a classic recipe for unsuccessful dating,” says Fleming. “They’re too limiting and don’t allow for chemistry, which is more intangible and valuable.” Try to be flexible, especially when it comes to physical or material attributes like someone’s height, salary, or hair color. After all, just because someone’s 6’2”, blonde, or makes six figures doesn’t mean he or she will make you happy, so do yourself a favor and treat your ideal-mate wish list as just one factor in deciding who’s right for you.  So “what glitters is not always gold”.
 
One of my issues (of the past hopefully) has been a lengthy “wish list” that I am now doubtful anyone could ever fit into.  I have mellowed and been able to sort down to the “must haves” that make my future prospects more realistic for a lasting relationship.  No, I won’t settle for less that those items in a partner that I must have.  That simply is good caretaking of my self, but I no longer search for near perfection.
 
The single factor that did the most in helping me see past bad habits, irritating behavior and bothersome traits in others was to begin to come to grips (at least somewhat) with my own imperfections.  It still amazes me how gaining clearer view of one’s self allows a person to more accurately see others.  When kindness and understanding is self-applied it is easier to use that insight in one’s view of others.  I am very grateful for the knowledge I have today that was learned the hard way.  Mistakes are made worthy when wisdom is gained from them.

Ring the bells that still can ring
Forget your perfect offering.
There is a crack in everything,
That’s how the light gets in.
Leonard Cohen

Good Oblivion

/ James Browning / 1 Comment

There are times I wonder if the weekend editions of “Good Morning Gratitude” should be renamed “Good Afternoon Gratitude”.  Often the less structured hours of a Saturday or Sunday allow getting things done at an enjoyable and more leisurely pace.  So far today about all I have done is sleep late, do laundry and catch up on emails from last week I did not get to as they came in.  

This morning I slept later than I can remember having done in a long time:  eleven hours!  Last time I strung that many hours of sleep together I was suffering badly from jet lag after returning from a European trip.  Dragging butt from sleep shortfalls during a business trip last week plus comforting a friend Friday evening into the wee hours of Saturday morning gave me a dose of sleep deprivation.  

With curiosity if I could actually “catch up” on sleep I missed out on and wondering how much sleep a person needs, I did some research.  What I found began with the words of Michael H. Bonnet, PhD who is a professor of neurology at Wright State University School of Medicine.  He wrote we are all different.  You need enough sleep so you can awaken feeling refreshed without an alarm clock.  With a close friend who has slept only 1-4 hours per night since he was a little boy and my guesstimated need of 8 hours, I know there are wide swings in how much individuals need to spend time sleeping. 

According to “Web MD” whether you need seven, eight, or even nine hours of sleep a nightmay be up for debate, but the importance of getting adequate sleep is not debatable. Sleep loss increases the risk of high blood pressure, inflammation, weight gain, and diseases associated with these risk factors, such as diabetes and heart disease.  Sleep loss also impairs performance and mood, according to the report. 

Duh!  I know all about “impaired performance and mood” from my experiences back when my alarm went off at 3am each workday and am not surprised living that way has  health implications.  It was suggested by Web MD to test to see how much sleep you need: If you need an alarm clock to wake, try going to sleep 15 minutes earlier. Do you still need an alarm clock? If you do, push your bedtime up another 15 minutes.  Do this until you no longer need an alarm to wake up. This exercise should give you a pretty good idea about the amount of sleep you need per night.  Sounds logical and I hope to be my own lab rat and try that experiment sometime.  

Back in April when I began blogging here, to have the time to write each morning I intentionally changed my sleep habits and referenced it in an early blog titled “A Recovering Night Owl” https://goodmorninggratitude.com/2011/05/26/a-recovering-night-owl/  From that experience it is known to me that one can adapt their sleep habits. 

Digging deeper I found:  Studies show that people who sleep between 6.5 hr. and 7.5 hr. a night, as they report, live the longest. And people who sleep 8 hr. or more, or less than 6.5 hr.; they don’t live quite as long. There is just as much risk associated with sleeping too long as with sleeping too short. The big surprise is that long sleep seems to start at 8 hr. Sleeping 8.5 hr. might really be a little worse than sleeping 5 hr. That was a bit of a wakeup call since I am writing this after sleeping eleven hours last night! 

Moving on to an answer of how much sleep I need, the following was found on Helpguide.org:  Aim for at least 7.5 hours of sleep every night. Consistency is the key.  Settle short-term sleep debt with an extra hour or two per night. (If you lost 10 hours of sleep, pay the debt back in nightly one or two-hour installments).  

Helpguide.org offers similar advice to Web MD (above) about sorting out how much sleep I need.  Take a sleep vacation to pay off a long-term sleep debt. Pick a two-week period when you have a flexible schedule. Go to bed at the same time every night and allow yourself to sleep until you wake up naturally. No alarm clocks! If you continue to keep the same bedtime and wake up naturally, you’ll eventually dig your way out of debt and arrive at the sleep schedule that’s ideal for you.  Sounds like a good idea but will take some astute planning in order to have a chance to try it. 

Now it is late afternoon and if I don’t hurry this entry will be posted near bedtime and have a name amendment to “Good Evening Gratitude”.  With the knowledge of the friend who sleeps just a little and at least two others who suffer from insomnia, spending a couple of hours reading about sleep brought to the surface several pieces of gratitude.  

1)  With a few exceptions I have no problem going to sleep.
2)  Most nights I sleep quite well.  Only occasionally do I wake up and have a problem going back to sleep.
3) For the most part my lifestyle allows me to get near what I perceive as the proper amount of sleep each night.  I do cheat myself out of sleep at times so I can do other things though.

I find one additional thing to be grateful and that is the knowledge of the experiments on how to find the proper amount of sleep that fits me personally.  While I have no idea when I will find the time to try, it is on my ‘to do” list and will happen in the months to come.  I will write about the experience then.   

And if tonight my soul may find her peace in sleep,
and sink in good oblivion,
and in the morning wake like a new-opened flower
then I have been dipped again in God, and new-created.
D.H. Lawrence

Today Could Be…

/ James Browning / 2 Comments

Memo
To: You
From: The Universe
RE: Another day of your life
 
Dear Earthling,
 
Today is an entirely new chapter of your life filled with possibility.  Do you realize that?  Do you really?
 
Do you understand that today could be the last day you stop doing whatever it is you want to stop doing or the first day to break the habit you wish to break? 
 
Do you understand that today could be the day you begin to get into better shape, begin to take walks or be true to yourself with improving the physical condition you’re in?
 
Do you understand today could be the day you apologize to someone or make peace with another person the way you know you should?
 
Do you understand today could be the day you make that call you have been putting off to your brother/sister/mother/father/friend and tell them about what is going on in your life?
 
Do you realize today could be the day that you begin to finally lose weight one pound at a time and continue to lose it?
 
Do you realize that today could be the day you open up your heart so someone can love you and you can love them in return?

Do you realize that today could be the day you make the choice to change the direction of your work life and begin moving in that direction?
 
Do you realize that today could be the day you start giving back consistently to those less fortunate who need your help?
 
Do you realize that today is the day you could begin true forgiveness of your wife/husband/family member/friend?
 
Do you realize that today is the day you could begin to openly express your love to ALL those you care about?
 
Do you realize this could be the day you give up excuses for waiting and finding reasons not to do what it is you know you need to do?
 
Do you realize……  Are you paying attention? Do you realize that today is the first day of the rest of your life?  It can be any day.  Why not today?
 
Sincerely, 
The Universe

Today Is The Very First Day Of The Rest Of My Life

This is the beginning of a new day.
I have been given this day
to use as I WILL.
I can waste it…
or use it for good,
But what I do today is important,
Because I am exchanging
a day of my life for it!
When tomorrow comes,
this day will be gone forever,
Leaving in its place
something that I have traded for it.
I want it to be gain,
and not loss;
Good and not evil;
success and not failure;
In order that I shall not regret
the price I have paid for it.
I will try just for today,
for you never fail until you stop trying.

While I don’t anticipate today will be a life changer for me, it could be.  The possibility is certain.  What I do with this day is mine to decide. While there is no certainty of my fate, my freedom of choice affects my destiny more than any other factor here on this Earth.  I am grateful to know that as long as I live the possibilities of my life are near unlimited.  I open myself a little wider today to the realization that more than any other factor if it is to be it is up to me!  I am grateful for the reminder!

For a long time it had seemed to me that life was about to begin – real life.  But there was always some obstacle in the way.  Something to be got through first, some unfinished business, time still to be served, a debt to be paid.  Then life would begin.  At last it dawned on me that these obstacles were my life.  Fr. Alfred D’Souza

Emotions Like a Woman?

/ James Browning / 2 Comments

Several years ago in a session with my therapist she said to me, “you feel emotions like a woman”.  At times I have valued what she said as recognition of a gift to be able to, at some level, relate to and interact with women on their emotional level.  Then I think of my sorted track record with relationships and conclude that the ability is apparently not contributing to having successful  love relationships with women.   With that realization thoughts begin about feeling emotions as deeply and fully as I do being a curse.  Then again maybe the ability is not the issue and it actually is a great gift.  Then maybe it isn’t.  Confused?  Yep.  Me too.    

From “10 Big Differences between Men’s and Women’s Brains” by Amber Hensley:  Emotions. Women typically have a larger deep limbic system than men, which allows them to be more in touch with their feelings and better able to express them, which promotes bonding with others. The down side to this larger deep limbic system is that it also opens women up to depression… 

After reading that paragraph my quandary continues.   It does shed a little light possibly on why I have a tendency towards depression here and there.  But my primary question remains unanswered.  In regards to relationships with women, am I better off with my heightened ability to feel that my counselor sees in me?  Or would I be better off to function more like a typical American male? 

Michael G. Conner, PhD, clinical & medical Psychologist:  At the heart of sensitivity is our capacity to form, appreciate and maintain relationships that are rewarding. For men, what demonstrates a solid relationship is quite different from that of most women. Men feel closer and validated through shared activities. Such activities include sports, competition, outdoor activities or sexual activities that are decidedly active and physical. While both men and women can appreciate and engage in these activities they often have preferential differences. Women, on the other hand, feel closer and validated through communication, dialogue and intimate sharing of experience, emotional content and personal perspectives. Many men tend to find such sharing and involvement uncomfortable, if not, overwhelming. 

Maybe that hints at something I can wrap my mind around.  Having never cared much for sports I really don’t know if that is because of my diagnosed “feminine” way of feeling or simply the fact that I was blessed with hardly any sports abilities.  Conversely, I know many women who love participating and watching sports, so clarity on this “feelings” subject is still elusive.

My confusion grows as I read what Dr. Tara Palmatier wrote in an article to women about how in the last few decades society has attempted to change male emotional expression.  She concludes her article with a section titled “The Lie and the Truth”:  In this confluence of events, men tried to become the sensitive guy modern women claimed to want, but did they? In reality, most women don’t want men who cry when they watch “Beaches.” In fact, most women don’t want to be with men who would willingly watch Beaches or a Lifetime network movie.

 (If this is true, then I may just be an odd-ball.  I like typical male shoot ‘em up movies but contrary to Dr. Palmatier I also really do enjoy “chick flicks”.)

They don’t want men to be unfeeling robots, but want them to be men–strong and reliable, yet capable of tenderness. The result? American men, once stalwart bull mastiffs, turned into angry confused Pekingese drowning in a sea of mixed signals unleashed by women.  I sympathize with men. As a group, they were put into a no-win situation by women who didn’t understand their changing roles or what they wanted.

Accept and embrace the differences. Why swim upstream?  It’s a lot easier to appreciate and desire men in all their glories and faults, then to try to make them become “like us”.  It makes relationships easier. It makes life easier. It makes it easier to forgive and to love.

My conclusion is, I am what I am.  Whether I feel emotions like a man or a woman really is irrelevant.  There is no intention within to want to be different than I am.   Even with the heavy weight the attribute to feel deeply can bring on occasion I have a deep appreciation for me just the way I am.  So what if I went to see “Time Traveler’s Wife” or “One Day” by myself at the theatre.  That’s me and I am good with it.  There is nothing to figure out.   What is, simply “is” and that’s that!

It’s great to slowly but surely become more comfortable in my own skin and to not care (much) what others think.  Finally I am becoming grown up enough to accept myself (mostly) just as I truly am.  For that I am profoundly grateful.

He who trims himself to suit everyone will soon whittle himself away. 
Raymond Hull

Ode to Business Travel

/ James Browning / 2 Comments

Being away from home for business can sometimes give me a perspective I don’t have day-to-day.  On ocassion after traveling, walking into my home can cause me really notice what I am seeing.  The smell particular to my home greets me as I enter and the belongings I walk by daily have newly–noticed individual dimensions beyond what most often just fades into the landscape.    

A photo on the wall reminds me of my son at age eight.  My trophy from a junior high regional science fair begs attention and I see how well it is holding up in spite of it being over 40 years since I received it.    

My piano is too large for me to miss seeing every day and yet at a moment of reawakening and recognition I am reminded how beautiful it is.  Looking closer I see the rich walnut grain, a glint of light on the shiny strings and re-gilded harp.  Even the imperfections of a few small scratches on the piano bench lend personality.  

It seems an inch or two further above the floor has been added to the height of my bed.  Maybe it recovered from supporting my weight night after night and actually grew a little taller while I was gone.  Touching it with my left hand as I heft my suitcase up on the bed, I am reminded how comfortable a place it is to be.  Thankfulness creeps in for the spot where I spent a third of my life. 

Unpacked and with laundry going I sit down to decompress. 

The trip was long and tiring.
Successful as business goes.
Assignments are done,
Battles are won.
Decisions have been spun.
Hires and fires are complete.
The strategy is on the street.

I sit down
To look around
For a moment.
To let the stress vent,
To shake off where I went,
To regain some of the energy spent,
And delight in being home.
 
No television or radio
No announcements overhead.
No noise of people going by.
No loud next room couple in bed.
No streets too crowded.
No sound of walking feet.
No street performers.
No rhythm, noise or beat.
No cabs to flag down.
No subway to take in town.
No shuttles to ride around.
No fake smiles.
No frequent flyer miles.
No people to tip or pay.
No queue to get through.
No security to do.
No stuff to be scanned.
No pat down’s by hand.
No shoes to quickly forsake.
No laptop removal to make.
No suitcases to break.
No wake up calls to take.
No worry of being late.
No weirdo’s and flakes.
No hands to shake.
No contacts needing to be made.
No dragons to be slayed.
No upgrades to sweat.
No flights to be met.
No trade secrets to spill.
No eating out every meal.
No staying up later than I prefer.
No people with whom I must confer.
No…
No…

NO MORE!
I’m home.
There is the quiet. 
Finally…
 

It is a great comfort to arrive home after the trials and tribulations of business travel.  Being wrapped in familiar surroundings and feeling the “hug” of the safety of my domain comforts me.  I a very grateful for the “rabbit hole” I call home.

It’s a dangerous business… going out your front door.  You step onto the road, and if you don’t keep your feet, there’s no knowing where you might be swept off to.  J. R. R. Tolkien

Home, Sweet Home

/ James Browning / 3 Comments

Growing up I heard the phrase “home, sweet home”, but it did not fit what I was experiencing.  I never felt much “sweet” where I lived during a difficult childhood. Only as an adult have I been able to realize the tranquility and safety that was possible in one’s own place.  That is why today “home” is my favorite place to be.  

Some of my early “home, sweet homes” were humble, but cool.  My first place I could afford to live without roommates was a little cottage in Manitou Springs, Colorado.  It sat up on the west side of a hill with parking way down below.  To reach the hillside cottage I had to use a footbridge across a small stream and then use a bunch of stairs to get up the hill.  Bringing home groceries and getting them to my place was good exercise!  This place was tiny, but it was mine; MY home.  I loved living there. 

Some friends who moved away owned an old Victorian house and rented it to me.  It had lots of faults including an upstairs bathroom that did not work.  Not a big deal until you realize the bedrooms were upstairs and the only working bathroom was downstairs way in the back by the kitchen.  The place needed a lot of work but it was my home.  I felt safe and protected there. 

Another residence vivid in memory is the home I shared with my new wife in huge high-rise in the middle of a big city. For a kid from the country, this was a fascinating experience.  My work was in the same building.  The bottom two floors contained a shopping mall that included a two screen theatre, a grocery store, a drug store and a food court.  Even my doctor and dentist were in the building.  Once I did not leave the building for ten days!  My home there was a cherished adventure. 

Since those times in my early 20’s, I have lived in over a dozen different homes in five states and one foreign country with each being my unique protected safe sanctuary from the world.  

Wikipedia defines a home as:  a place of residence or refuge.  It is usually a place in which an individual or a family can rest and store personal property.  That’s a bit “encyclopedia-ish” for my taste.    

  • Home is a place of safety from the elements and the outside world.  
  • Home is where I share life and my truest self with people I care most about.  
  • Home is where belongings collected from many points and times remind me of the wonderful life I am having. 
  • Home is a place of serenity even when once upon a time there was the noise of a child nearby. 
  • Home is the one place I don’t care if my hair is sticking up and fashion is my ratty, comfy clothes. 
  • Home is the place where I have done the most manual labor of my life as I worked on up-keep and to make each house uniquely a home.    
  • Home is where I really do live.  Here and there you will find shoes in the corner, blankets and pillows stacked by the fireplace, books and magazines strewn about, stacks of papers and magazines, my briefcase on the kitchen table, etc.   
  • Home is where I often lose coffee cups temporarily and later find them with interesting science experiments growing inside.
  • Home is where I have at least one or two “junk drawers” filled with things I just may need sometime. 
  • Home is where the books I love and the music I adore are.
  • Home is where many of my favorite smells can be found.  I love candles and incense of all sorts.  As I go room to room the scent landscape changes.
  • Home is where I can cook without regard for what others think of my cooking. 
  • Home is where I love to take Sunday afternoon naps with the windows open while it rains buckets outside. 
  • Home is slowing down.  Sitting down.  Lying down. 
  • Home is where I greet the morning, and where I bid another day good night.
  • Home is imperfection unlike the gorgeous houses in glossy magazines.  My home has never been and will never look perfect like that.  My home is “perfect” for me in its uniqueness and how it is an extension of who I am.  

There is no place on Earth I would rather be than at home.  I am extraordinarily blessed to live as I do so comfortably.  My gratitude for my home exceeds the words I can find to express it. 

A house is made of walls and beams
 a home is built with love and dreams. 
Unknown

Written Companions of My Life

/ James Browning / 1 Comment

This morning I sit here at my desk at home on a Monday morning; a time I would normally be in my office at work.  I am enjoying the first day of a week off for a stay at home vacation.  Of course there are things I need to do, but I plan on sleeping late, reading, listening to music and taking life a bit easier than usual.  (I smile from just writing that!). 

In the spirit of my first day off, my offering today is shorter than usual and consists of the borrowed words of others.  It is my hope that the lesser quantity of words will allow the meaning to be larger and easier to see.  The thoughts expressed have great meaning to me.  I am grateful for these favorite written companions of my life and the pronounced significance they have to me.  I hope you find them meaningful too.

Relationships – of all kinds – are like sand held in your hand. Held loosely, with an open hand, the sand remains where it is. The minute you close your hand and squeeze tightly to hold on, the sand trickles through your fingers. You may hold onto it, but most will be spilled. A relationship is like that. Held loosely, with respect and freedom for the other person, it is likely to remain intact. But hold too tightly, too possessively, and the relationship slips away and is lost. Kaleel Jamison, The Nibble Theory and the Kernel of Power 

 

Life, if you keep chasing it so hard, will drive you to death. Time – when pursued like a bandit – will behave like one, always remaining one county or one room ahead of you, changing its name and hair color to elude you, slipping out the back door of the motel just as you’re banging through the lobby with your newest search warrant, leaving only a burning cigarette in the ashtray to taunt you. At some point you have to stop because it won’t. You have to admit that you can’t catch it. That you’re not supposed to catch it. At some point, you gotta let go and sit still and allow contentment to come to you.”  Elizabeth Gilbert  

 

Be daring, be different, be impractical, be anything that will assert integrity of purpose and imaginative vision against the play-it-safers, the creatures of the commonplace, the slaves of the ordinary. Sir Cecil Beaton 

 

 I’ve learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.  Maya Angelou

 

Every day’s a good day.  Some are just better than others!  I hope yours is a rewarding one.