Insight

Doorway to a More Brilliant Reality

/ James Browning

romeo-and-juliet

I used to think Romeo and Juliet was the greatest love story ever written. But now that I’m middle-aged, I know better. Oh, Romeo certainly thinks he loves his Juliet. Driven by hormones, he unquestionably lusts for her. But if he loves her, it’s a shallow love.

You want proof? Soon after meeting her for the first time, he realizes he forgot to ask her for her name. Can true love be founded upon such shallow acquaintance? I don’t think so.

And at the end, when he thinks she’s dead, he finds no comfort in living out the remainder of his life within the paradigm of his love, at least keeping alive the memory of what they had briefly shared, even if it was no more than illusion, or more accurately, hormonal.

Yes, those of us watching events unfold from the darkness know she merely lies in slumber. But does he seek the reason for her life-like appearance? No. Instead he accuses Death of amorousness, convinced that the ‘lean abhorred monster’ endeavors to keep Juliet in her present state, cheeks flushed, so that she might cater to his own dissolute desires.

But does Romeo hold her in his arms one last time and feel the warmth of her blood still coursing through her veins? Does he pinch her to see if she might awaken? Does he hold a mirror to her nose to see if her breath fogs it? Once, twice, three times a ‘no.’

His alleged love is so superficial and so selfish that he seeks to escape the pain of loss by taking his own life. That’s not love, but infatuation. Had they wed ― Juliet bearing many children, bonding, growing together, the masks of the star-struck teens they once were long ago cast away, basking in the love born of a lifetime together ― and she died of natural causes, would Romeo have been so moved to take his own life, or would he have grieved properly for her loss and not just his own. J. Conrad Guest

Clearly I remember at sixteen going with my friend David to see Franco Zeffirelli’s movie “Romeo and Juliet”. My young heart swooned at what I then thought was a magnificent love to be admired. Heartbreak, grief, contentment and joy have conspired together to teach me how foolish Shakespeare’s characters would have been in real life.

Love should be a bit foolish, irrational and even unwise, but not simplistically childish like I now perceive Romeo and Juliet in the story told of them. Beautiful tale, but a horrible example of love in real life. I still believe in the magic more than ever but not how portrayed in the Shakespearean story. In coming to my present point of view, I am grateful for every heartache and beautiful moment loving ever brought me. Such feelings have been my tutors of the truths of love.

It is having once believed in fairy tales, then seeing beyond them while retaining their essence that has given my heart its ability to love best in the real world.

The fairy tale is not the conclusion,
but the doorway to a more brilliant reality.
Pushed onto a pedestal as the final answer
their worth is misshapen and distorted.
Natalie Nyquist

Trying to Grow Flowers in Sand.

/ James Browning

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Money, amazingly, is losing its power…
Our economy is rapidly changing from a money economy to a satisfaction economy.
Martin Seligman

It is considered by many to be almost un-American to admit that one is “not happy”. At the least such a state is viewed as unfortunate and one a person should recover from soon. Otherwise, one is told to “get some help”. The shame of not feeling readily happy ends up making many people feel “less than” which only worsens the state he or she is in.

Unhappiness is necessary in order to know what happiness is. It is contrast that gives greater strength to any feeling. The depth of one makes way for the fuller weight of the other. Without having known discontentment, happy has a shallow meaning at best. Discontent can come from many sources: grief, sadness, lack of fulfillment, bad relationship situations and a long list that can keep a person from feeling their “happy cup” contains enough. Contentment, peace and happiness flourish when the viewpoint of “what is good” is far greater than “what is wrong”. Otherwise, trying to be happy is like trying to grow flowers in sand.

“Promise Yourself”

To be so strong that nothing
can disturb your peace of mind.
To talk health, happiness, and prosperity
to every person you meet.

To make all your friends feel
that there is something special in them
To look at the sunny side of everything
and make your optimism come true.

To think only the best, to work only for the best,
and to expect only the best.
To be just as enthusiastic about the success of others
as you are about your own.

To forget the mistakes of the past
and press on to the greater achievements of the future.
To wear a cheerful countenance at all times
and give every living creature you meet a smile.

To give so much time to the improvement of yourself
that you have no time to criticize others.
To be too large for worry, too noble for anger, too strong for fear,
and too happy to permit the presence of trouble.

To think well of yourself and to proclaim this fact to the world,
not in loud words but great deeds.
To live in faith that the whole world is on your side
so long as you are true to the best that is in you.
From “Your Forces and How to Use Them” by Christian D. Larson

I used to think that happiness was about everything being exactly the way I wanted. I felt I would be happy when this happened or that happened that would make my life wholly fulfilling. What I have learned is happiness is NOT about the state of things, but about my view of them. Granted there are times of sadness, grief and even depression when those feelings keep me from feeling at peace and contented. But it is those times that give my happiness its depth of meaning and cause me to cherish it even more. The quality of my life is ALL about my attitude toward living. I am grateful for the well-learned lesson.

Success is getting what you want,
happiness is wanting what you get.
W.P. Kinsella

A Letter To My Son on Father’s Day

/ James Browning

ORIGINALLY Posted on June 19, 2011

Dear Nick,

Vivid in memory are the emotions I experienced just after you were born. The day after you arrived I wrote in a journal about the joy I felt, the gratefulness within for you being ‘normal” with the proper number of fingers and toes, the awe that filled me for life and the hopes I had for you. I described your birth as “the most incredible thing I’ve ever witnessed” and also wrote “No child could be more wanted or more loved.” Those thoughts have aged sweeter as time has clicked by.

Frequent have been musings of how I could have been a better Father. Had I not chased with such vigor the emptiness of dysfunctional illusion, success and money I could have been there for you more. There were too many of your games I missed,weekend outings that never were and small events at school that were big happenings for you when my presence was missing. I never did build the treehouse I promised you.

Your Mother and I went our separate ways when you were sixteen which took you hundreds of miles away. One of my deepest regrets is your high school years when seeing you only every couple of months I became a sideline spectator of your life. Yet, as I mature and learn I have come to know regrets past making sure you’re aware of them, have no good purpose.

There are so many wonderful memories I have of your growing up. No child has ever been more curious about the world than you. You never crawled and began to recklessly walk at 7 months old. Such determination you have always had!

In school you did well and had the respect of most of your teachers. You made good friends and some of those relationships are healthy and thriving today. The only time you ever really got in trouble at school was through protecting a friend from a bully. How the game of hockey worked when you started to play at seven was unknown to me, but no father was ever prouder than I was to watch you. The lessons that came at you in college were hard ones, but you learned from your mistakes. I can not begin to express my admiration for your determination and stick-to-it-ness to get the education you wanted.

On this father’s day I hope these borrowed words express clearly to you the feelings of my heart and the wishes of my soul.

Until you have a son of your own… You will never know the joy beyond joy, the love beyond feeling that resonates in the heart of a father as he looks upon his son. You will never know the sense of honor that makes a man want to be more than he is and to pass on something good and useful into the hands of his son. And you will never know the heartbreak of the fathers who are haunted by the personal demons that keep them from being the men they want their sons to see.

We live in a time when it is hard to speak from the heart. Our lives are smothered by a thousand trivialities, and the poetry of our spirits is silenced by the thoughts and cares of daily affairs.

And so, I want to speak to you honestly. I do not have answers. But I do understand the questions. I see you struggling and discovering and striving upward, and I see myself reflected in your eyes and in your days. In some deep and fundamental way, I have been there and I want to share.

I, too, have learned to walk, to run, to fall. I have had a first love. I have known fear and anger and sadness. My heart has been broken and I have known moments when the hand of God seemed to be on my shoulder. I have wept tears of sorrow and tears of joy.

There have been times of darkness when I thought I would never see light again, and there have been times when I wanted to dance and sing and hug every person I met.

I have felt myself emptied into the mystery of the universe, and I have had moments when the smallest slight threw me into rage.

I have carried others when I barely had the strength to walk myself, and I have left others standing by the road with their hands out stretched for help.

Sometimes I feel I have done more than anyone can ask; other times I feel I am a charlatan and a failure. I carry within me the spark of greatness and the darkness of heartless crimes.

In short, I am a man, as are you.

Although you will walk your own earth and move through your own time, the same sun will rise on you that rose on me, and the same reasons will course across your life as moved across mine. We will always be different, but we will always be the same.

This is my attempt to give you the lesson of my life, so that you can use them in yours. They are not meant to make you into me. It is my greatest joy to watch you turn into yourself.

To be your father is the greatest honor I have ever received. It allowed me to touch mystery and to see my love made flesh. If I could but have one wish, it would be for you to pass that love along.

I love you,

Pops

You are my son-shine.
Author Unknown

Quit Thinking About It…

/ James Browning

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The advantage of a bad memory
is that one enjoys several times
the same good things for the first time.
Friedrich Nietzsche

In my 20’s and 30’s the cover phrase for forgetfulness was “I must be getting old”. By the 40’s and 50’s the rationale had morphed into “must have had a senior moment”. Now almost out of the latter age decade I notice memory lapses on a regular basis. So far my forgetting is nothing to get worried about. However, there are the pesky things like names and titles on the tip of my tongue that I can’t sometimes conjure up at will. With those come the overused statements “quit thinking about it and it will come to you” or “you’ll think of it at 3 o’clock in the morning”. Both have an element of truth.

…I began to study and categorize midlife mental lapses as if they were so many butterflies. There was Colliding-Planets Syndrome, which occurs when you fail to grasp, until too late, that you’ve scheduled a child’s orthodontist appointment in the suburbs for the same hour as a business meeting in the city. Quick-Who-Is-She Dysfunction surfaces when you are face-to-face with someone whose name stubbornly refuses to come to mind. What-Am-I-Doing-Here Paranoia leaves you standing empty-handed in a doorway, trying to figure out what you’ve come for. The Damn-It-They-Were-Just-in-My-Hand Affliction leads to panicky moments spent looking for your favorite new sunglasses, when all the while they’re on top of your head. And Wrong-Vessel Disorder results in placing the ice cream in the pantry rather than the freezer. Cathryn Jakobson Ramin http://www.oprah.com/health/Midlife-Memory-Loss-How-to-Remember-More

First hand experience is mine with all five of those somewhat whimsical names Ms. Ramin calls types of forgetfulness. I have stood a friend up for lunch, called an acquaintance by the wrong name, gone to the kitchen and found I did not know why, gone looking for my glasses only to discover I was wearing them and put ice cream in the fridge instead of the freezer. But then hasn’t everyone? If you’re middle aged or more, I can’t imagine the answer is anything except “yes”.

A momentary loss of memory is most probably not a sign of Alzheimer’s, or if so it’s a very distant one. People between 65 and 75 face only a 4% chance of suffering from that sad, destructive disease, vs. a frightening 50% chance for those over 85 (see Alzheimer’s box). Yet almost all of us will be tripped up by forgetfulness from time to time as we age. Memory may begin to get a little shaky even in our late 30s, but the decline is so gradual that we don’t start to stumble until we’re 50ish. Therese Eiben, Fortune Magazine

Now having done a good bit of research I feel better and am grateful for my good health and relatively reliable memory. If my habit of “I don’t need to write that down. I’ll remember it.” can be broken everything will be just fine.

Right now I’m having amnesia
and déjà vu at the same time.
I think I’ve forgotten this before.
Steven Wright

To Love Life

/ James Browning

spiders_web_by_rockmylife-d5gshfx

Self-knowledge has no beginning and no end.
It is a constant process of discovery,
and what is discovered is true,
and truth is liberating…
Jiddu Krishnamurti

Once I became open to discovering the truth about who I was and how life really worked I became happier. That happened NOT because I was always pleased with what was found, but because what I discovered was the truth. There can be no happiness without self-honesty and a genuine acceptance of reality. Now I am grateful to have some knowledge about both.

…to love life, to love it even
when you have no stomach for it
and everything you’ve held dear
crumbles like burnt paper in your hands,
your throat filled with the silt of it.
When grief sits with you, its tropical heat
thickening the air, heavy as water
more fit for gills than lungs;
when grief weights you like your own flesh
only more of it, an obesity of grief,
you think, How can a body withstand this?
Then you hold life like a face
between your palms, a plain face,
no charming smile, no violet eyes,
and you say, yes, I will take you
I will love you, again…
Ellen Bass

Backwards Wishing

/ James Browning

3005147-poster-1960-caught-stress-spiral-innovate-your-day-8-minutes-ready-set-pauseYou’ll know that you are no longer self-righteous the day you drop the romantic notion that if only your seventh grade teacher could see you now, she would be proud of you. Say goodbye to her. You don’t need her approval anymore. From now on, you are on your own.

Last night after patiently pondering those words from “The Art of Imperfection” by Veronique Vienne, a light went off in my head. Well, it was actually more of a long sigh of relief after a small cleansing epiphany that is now with me to stay.

First, I agreed there are a couple of teachers I have wished could see me now. That admission was quickly followed with a mental list of former lovers, classmates, past co-workers, lost friends, departed family and such, who at one time or another, I have “wished could see me now”. The realization alone that I could let go of that sort of “backwards wishing” lightened the emotional baggage I tote around by at least a few pounds.

I have learned that if you must leave a place that you have lived in and loved and where all your yesteryears are buried deep, leave it any way except a slow way, leave it the fastest way you can. Never turn back and never believe that an hour you remember is a better hour because it is dead. Passed years seem safe ones, vanquished ones, while the future lives in a cloud, formidable from a distance. From West with the Night” by Beryl Markham

Beginning to let go of “wishing they could see me now” is a healthy step toward letting go “backwards thinking” of other types such as “wish she was still in love with me” or “wish I hadn’t made that mistake”. Loosening my tight grip on this sort of emotional debris has begun to let me see what is underneath them. I am discovering hiding behind my ‘wishing’ is always either shame or regret. Those parasites start to fade a little when I face their roots head on. Knowing what I know now, there is no turning back. I am grateful for my adjusted perspective that will make it so.

Take it from me:
If you hear the past speaking to you,
feel it tugging up your back
and running its fingers up your spine,
the best thing to do.
the only thing, is run.
Lauren Oliver

Like Quicksand

/ James Browning

5633485384_289d9cd89e_zDepression…

removes the color from the colorful…

reduces the difference between day and night…

crowds out self-esteem with self-loathing…

takes away the pleasing taste from everything…

creates a sense of being UN-loveable…

brings all past mistakes to present-moment…

shades life with a shadow without a sun…

invents pain and hides joy…

makes effort seem meaningless…

concocts a need to sleep that never results in rest…

takes away desire to work, create or achieve…

cuts one off from other people…

detaches love and happiness…

amplifies grief and sadness far beyond reality…

scorches the ability to love and feel love…

produces a state of caring about little to nothing…

generates self-told lies that are believed…

shapes a good person into believing they are bad…

and on and on and on and on…

Depression is a liar, a thief, a distorter, a con man, a fake, a fraud, a pretender, a robber, an imposter, a hypocrite, a crook, a phony, a sham, a cheat, a bandit, a charlatan, a deceiver, a trickster, a swindler, a rogue, a double-dealer, a villain and false in every sense, thought and feeling.

These are the sort of truths I remind myself when cycling depression comes to call on me for a few days every month or two (as it has this weekend). With such thoughts at the forefront, I am able to see the big shadow of feeling depressed is being caused by something small; like a mouse casts a giant shadow when light is cast at a particular angle. No longer do I resist depression for it is like quicksand; the more resistance given, the deeper I will sink.

So I will let my depression pass like a strong wind through a tree, knowing it will die out in a few days. Each episode makes me stronger now like a tree’s roots are made stronger by its standing up to storm after storm. I am grateful beyond words for my understanding today of depression that usually makes it little more than emotional indigestion; ’twas not that way for so very long.

One in six people suffer depression
or a chronic anxiety disorder.
These are not the worried well
but those in severe mental pain
with conditions crippling enough
prevent them living normal lives.
Polly Toynbee

Wiser, Stronger, Older…

/ James Browning

aged_feb15From an article on-line, comes these three steps about how to fall in love.
1. Find a complete stranger.
2. Reveal to each other intimate details about your lives for half an hour.
3. Then, stare deeply into each others eyes without talking for four minutes.
Psychologist, Professor Arthur Arun, has been studying why people fall in love. He asked his subjects to carry out the above 3 steps and found that many of his couples felt deeply attracted after the 34 minute experiment. Two of his subjects later got married. http://www.youramazingbrain.org/lovesex/sciencelove.htm

Falling in love is easy. I have done it a number of times in my life. Some lasted a short while; some endured for years; none lasted a lifetime. The ups and downs taught me a good deal including the following random rules for managing one’s self when starting to fall in love:

  • Be patient. Resist the urge to move too quickly.
  • Listen. Pay attention to what is said.
  • Remember what the other person tells you about his/her self.
  • Don’t sacrifice your “must-haves”.
  • Be prepared to meet in the middle on everything but “must-have’s”.
  • Let the other person be as they are; not how you wish they were.
  • Everything changes once physical intimacy begins. Put it off as long as you can.
  • Don’t judge this new love by the ones from your past.
  • Don’t pretend to be what you’re not.
  • Some people do change, but most do not.
  • A new love does not care to know about the lovers of your past.
  • Learn to sit quietly together saying nothing. Let eyes do the talking.
  • Love is not for filling holes of emptiness within.
  • Love can only make you more of what you already are.
  • Ask yourself, “could I die peacefully in this person’s arms?”
  • Without trust love never survives.

There is no question being attracted to someone is a key ingredient to falling in love. However, research has shown kindness and intelligence are very close behind. While being attracted to someone is nearly instantaneous, how kind and intelligent a person is can only accurately become known over time. Of the two, studies have shown kindness is the strongest indicator for a successful long-term relationship.

Wiser, stronger, older… with a bit more time I may actually begin to understand this thing called love. I am grateful for my progress.

Love is simple.
You fall and that’s it.
You’ll work the other stuff out.
You just gotta let yourself fall
and have faith that someone
will be there to catch you.
From “My Favorite Mistake”
by Chelsea M. Cameron

Reasons You’re Not Getting What You Want

/ James Browning

Stones-49630I don’t care who you are, you’ve been in want for something before. And at one point in your life, that thing you wanted…didn’t happen.

You Didn’t Ask For It: This one might blow your mind with simplicity. A mentor once told me something that really stuck… “if you don’t ask, you don’t get.” That sexy project I really want? I’m going to ask for it. That bonus I know I deserve? I’m going to bring in a list of my accomplishments, speak to them and put a bow on my speech by asking for more cash. The promotion? I’m going to ask my boss what I need to do to get it.

It works in your personal life too. Especially in moments where you’d traditionally wallow in your own issues so as not to inconvenience those around you. Well, that’s silly. Because those around you often want to be inconvenienced so they can support you. So that favor you need from a friend when your life is totally turned upside down? Ask for it.

You Didn’t Try: This is the part where you’re not getting off the couch to train for the marathon you always wanted to finish. Or you watching brochures pile up on your desk and tease you about the dream vacation that you still can’t go on because you’re not saving up. Or I could be even more serious and talk about relationships. Maybe you wouldn’t be thinking of her as “the one that got away” if you had spent a little less time watching football with the guys. Or maybe your marriage would be a little different if you committed to a couple nights of home cooked meals and good conversation.

It’s one of our worst qualities…the fact that at times, we simply don’t try. Perhaps we’re scared of actually getting the very thing we want, or maybe it’s too intimidating, too new, or too outside our comfort zone. Whatever it is that’s holding us back from getting these things we want, isn’t a good thing.

You Wanted Something Else More: There are a lot of people looking to lose weight right now. They want to hit the gym more, eat better, yadda yadda. It’s kind of our thing as humans. We want to be better versions of ourselves. But how can you possibly get that if you’re going out to eat every night and ordering the worst thing on the menu? Truth is, you wanted that stuff more than you wanted less body fat.

You say you want to be in a committed, healthy relationship and you’re on the hunt for it. Well then why are you dating the guy who throws out so many red flags he’d put bull-fighting out of business? You know that’s not going to end well. And yet, you keep at it. Taken from an article by Molly Cain on forbes.com http://www.forbes.com/sites/glassheel/2013/01/11/5-reasons-youre-not-getting-what-you-want/2/

There were more ‘reasons” in Ms. Cain’s article why I may not be getting what I want, but the three that spoke to me loudest are those above: You Didn’t Ask For It, You Didn’t Try, and You Wanted Something Else More. Little reminders and subtle wake-up calls seem to always be around if I have my antenna up to receive them. I am grateful for insight and perspective that arrives just when I need it.

There will be NO HAPPINESS
if the things you want
are different than the things you go.
hellobeliever.com

Today I Will Be Happy With Less.

/ James Browning

sobering grateful thought one

That’s just eleven words with a
sobering with truthful meaning.
“Today I will be happy with less”.

more….

sobering grateful thought two quote tecumseh

…Eleven words at the top and forty-seven more just above; fifty-eight words of absolute truth about one of the greatest secrets of a good life….

Soon to be two years I have found something to be grateful for each morning and focused on it for about an hour. There are no words that I can say to tell you of the conviction I have that practicing gratefulness is life changing. I urge you… no I beg you with all my heart, to take a little time for gratitude every day. Do it for just a month and you will never be the same again.

Happiness cannot be traveled to,
owned, earned, worn or consumed.
Happiness is the spiritual experience
of living every minute
with love, grace, and gratitude.
Denis Waitley