Health

Like Wind Through a Tree

/ James Browning / 2 Comments

When the visitor used to come to call my life had much less color and texture.  The variance of hues and shades meant almost nothing.  To look into another’s face and make direct eye contact I rarely did during those times for fear each person would figure out what was going on and think less of me.      

My ability to look ahead to what tomorrow, next week or next year might contain was usually shrouded with a dark and dense mist when the guest was around.  My only clarity of perception seemed to be when I looked over my shoulder at the past.  In those looks backward I usually found the thunder and lightning of old “storms” to relive and endure.   

When the caller was nearby to eat became an obligation.  At best, the texture and flavor of food was bland and uninteresting.  I had little appetite except when I compulsively ate every thing in sight, but tasted little of it.  

The visitor lead me often to wish I worked somewhere else, was in a different profession or did not have to work at all. Focusing on anything in order to do a job well was difficult because of all the distractions within my mental whirlwind.  Thoughts bounced like a ball in a pinball machine with flashes and noise containing at best only momentary substance.  

While the traveler was with me thoughts of getting lost in the world traveling vagabond style or joining the Peace Corps were always strong.  I felt compelled then to run away and disappear, to be anywhere but “here”.  I twisted those true lifetime hopes and dreams of free travel or service into escape routes from my life. 

The visitor and I most often holed up in my home, daydreaming with the TV on, escaping into movies while rarely speaking or seeing any one else unless I had to.  When my “guest” came to call I felt a general gloominess about life seasoned heavily with sadness for the past and despair about future prospects. 

My visitor’s name is spelled with 10 letters and starts with a “D”.  It is called Depression.  Until a few years ago I all knew was for a few days each month I went through a time when nothing mattered much and I folded into myself.  At those times my self view was distorted and quite displeasing.  Flaws, imperfections and old mistakes came to call as I tried to find a way to undo them or find a fix.  Of course I never did and trying to do so was like pouring gasoline on a fire.  

Life is different today.  My diagnosis is “moderate cycling depression”.  Luckily I don’t have to deal with the deep, dark pits of despair many have to cope with (I am very grateful!).  Through lots of work on my own researching, meditating and studying I have come to understand my condition.  There has been some professional assistance.  While thankful for their help, they served mainly to throw some little light on my path so I would take another step… then another.  The work to overcome and manage my depression was something only I could do. 

Today, I can feel my old friend “D” before it is actually near.  As depression begins to show on my horizon, life starts to lose a bit of its zing and my mind starts to spin with old “what happened’s” and future “what if’s”.  Coping is mostly about understanding.  I know the moderate depression will live with me for several days and no longer try to fight it when it comes.  Rather, I do my best to let it pass through me like wind that shakes a tree’s limbs as it goes by but does no real damage.  I read once if wind did not regularly move a tree the roots would be so weak even a one time gentle breeze would knock the tree over.  Today I use the “wind” of my depression to make me stronger in much the same way.  

Anymore the cycling depression does not bother me a lot.  When that “wind” comes I know I won’t get much done at work or at home, will sleep a bit more, keep to myself  and have more than usual couch TV time.  I accept that and it’s OK.  Giving up my resistance to it and just letting the depression pass through me has made the condition at worst a largely minor irritant.  I don’t fear it, hate it, fight it or feel less than because of it anymore. 

One might think only a fool would be grateful for depression, and I can’t say I am one of them.  However I am thankful for the lessons it is teaching me.  By accepting my condition and being willing to bear it makes my roots stronger.  Paying attention to where my mind goes when depressed frequently points to areas I either need to work on or make peace with. 

Acceptance of the way things are and finding ways to learn from difficulty is proving to be one of the greatest learning experiences of my life.  It is impossible to completely master such teachings, but in my attempts and the resulting wisdom I am blessed.  When I am grateful for what “is”, my hopes are strengthened and my blessings are multiplied.   

Attitude is Everything by Portia Nelson
Chapter 1
I walk down the street.
there is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I fall in.
I am lost…I am helpless.
It isn’t my fault.
It takes forever to find a way out.
Chapter 2
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I pretend I don’t see it.
I fall in again.
I can’t believe I am in the same place.
Bit it isn’t my fault.
It still takes a long time to get out.
Chapter 3
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I see it is there.
I still fall in….it’s a habit.
My eyes are open.
I know where I am
It is my fault.
I get out immediately.
Chapter 4
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I walk around it.
Chapter 5
I walk down another street

Facing Codependence and Finding Happiness

/ James Browning / 2 Comments

Though adult life my relationships have often been troubled.  That difficulty has been most easily notable in romantic relationships.  For years I simply thought I was unique, had special needs and was just frequently misunderstood.  What I discovered in the last 5+ years is there was definitely something not right and the vast majority of it had to do with me and not other people.     

Through the failure of my 2nd marriage to a woman I deeply loved I finally arrived at a point where I knew I could not go on as I had been.  While there was responsibility for both of us in the breakdown of the marriage, my behavior was by far the greatest cause.  I became a classic example of:  “When the pain to stay the same exceeds the pain to change, we change”.   I changed because I could see no other way.

My discovery has been that the root of my issues is called Codependency that stems from neglect, emotional abuse and trauma from my childhood. Codependency is a tendency to behave in overly passive or excessively controlling ways that negatively impact relationships and quality of life.  Co-dependence is said to be the most common of all addictions: the addiction to looking elsewhere. It is based in a belief that something outside of self can give us happiness and fulfillment. The ‘elsewhere’ may be people, places, things, behaviors or experiences and usually we neglect our own self for it. 

Codependency is at its core, a dysfunctional relationship with self. With out learning different, people such as me do not know how to love the self in healthy ways because our parents did not know how to love themselves. We were raised in shame-based families that taught us that there is something wrong with being human. The messages we got often included that there is something wrong:  with making mistakes; with not being perfect; with being sexual; with being emotional; with being too fat or too thin or too tall or too short or too whatever. As children we were taught to determine our worth in comparison with others. If we were smarter than, prettier than, better grades than, faster than, etc. – then we were validated and got the message that we had worth. 

Through work with a caring and high capable psychologist, work at a wonderful facility called “The Meadows”, the help and love of an ex-wife, the support of “peers” and most of all dedication and determination on my part, today I understand the foundation of my relationship issues.  Gladly I can say for I have learned to live life beyond them most of the time.  I am happy, TRULY HAPPY, for the first time in my life.  Life is far from perfect and a great distance from what I once imagined it might be.  Nor does living contain  now contain all that I hope it will, but today I remain open to the possibilities instead of being obsessed about what might happen.  My demons have been faced and discovered they mostly have only the power over me that I give them.  I am very grateful for all who helped me get to where I am now.

A notable portion of my discovery/recovery has been coming to realize that what I remember about my past is a mostly a delusion and what I feel about the future is largely a delusion.  What I recall is just my version of history which is as inaccurate as it is accurate.  How the future turns out will be as it unfolds and not exactly how I try to make it develop.  That viewpoint has allowed me to live a much more contented life which I enjoy more so than I ever have. 

Several years ago I wanted to attend a self help group called “Codependents Anonymous” or “CoDA” but there was no local chapter.  There is much gratitude within for my counselor who urged me to organize a local group.  For the first six months almost no one came to the Wednesday night meetings and I sat in the meeting room alone reading for an hour.  But over time “peers”, people much like me, began to come.  One meeting grew into two and then into three and four meetings each week.  Those attending expanded from none into hundreds over time with about 60 regulars attending at any given point.  My continued growth today is based almost solely within these meetings and my others self directed efforts.  My counselor told me 2 years ago I don’t need to come back (although I still go check in with her every 6 months to a year). 

I know today the best of my life is still ahead and the CoDA meetings are in no small part responsible.  I am so very grateful to all who have attended in the past and most especially for those who continue to show up each week.  THANK YOU! 

Things do not change; we change.  Henry David Thoreau

 If you are interested in knowing more: 

Self-quiz to find out if you are Codependent:     http://spiritofhopecc.com/CodependentTest.en.html

 Codependence Patterns & Characteristics:  http://www.coda.org/tools4recovery/patterns-new.htm 

Local Tulsa CoDA website:  http://coda-tulsa.org/

National CoDA website:  http://www.coda.org/ 

youtube.com Pia Mellody video “What is Codependence”

Part 1:  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nrLaaar02e4

Part 2: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VQyqkwWrBAs&feature=related

Living a More Healthful Life

/ James Browning / 1 Comment

 Two weeks ago I had my annual checkup and the test results are all back.  I am pleased and grateful to know that I am a healthy man with a body younger than my years.  Each year after the initial examination I figuratively ‘hold my breath’ a bit while waiting for the reports.  That is interesting to me as only in the last 10 years has it become so.  Into my 40’s I just plowed ahead without much thought about longevity or mortality. 

While it is difficult to say I did it with full intention, I don’t have lots of bad eating habits.  For some reason I have never been a big fan of red meat which to some people, men especially, is almost un-American.  When on occasion I order a steak you should hear the grief I get when I say “well-done please”.  My response is something similar to “my grandfather raised beef cattle.  You don’t want to know what I know.  If you did you’d eat beef well-done too.”  That usually ends that topic of conversation right there.

In my growing up years I was exposed to alcoholics in the family, not the least of which was my Mother and Father.  Knowing my genetics lend a propensity to being one myself, I have actually never even been drunk.  Pure fear of being the way I have seen others behave is a strong antidote to any influence of my genes my makeup contains.   

My life is not without regrets in regard to my health.  I have one BIG one.  I smoked tobacco for several decades and quit only a few years ago.  I always knew this habit was completely contradictory to the remainder of my life.  It just did not fit and often when others who knew me found out I smoked they were surprised saying things like “you just don’t seem like you’d be a smoker”.    

In my 20’s and even 30’s at least as many smoked as did not.  As time passed that became less and less true.  The personal embarrassment became stronger and stronger as those of us who smoked were exorcised to practice their habit out back by the dumpsters or some other awful place.   I realize now as a non-smoker how badly I smelled to those without the habit.  I thought I fooled everyone better than I did.  The only person who was fooled as me!  I have supremely high gratitude the habit is no longer a part of my life.  I feel better than I ever have in my adult life.  

When the smoking habit departed two of my senses became more acute:  sense of smell and sense of taste.  I suppose it goes back to my young hippie days that I love incense and beautiful aromas.  As a non-smoker my ability to enjoy and sort out scents is heightened to be extremely keen today and a great joy.  Also, my sense of taste is much broader and more discerning.  Eating during most of my life was something I just had to do more so than something I truly enjoyed.  That is reversed now.  I love food.  The variety and texture and tastes are much broader and something I enjoy… a little too much! 

My current phase is to lose the extra 25 pounds I have accumulated over the last few years.  Age is a part of it and a lifestyle a bit too sedentary contributes.  Though overall it is my fairly newly acquired love of food that is the primary cause.  My reading recently has included a good deal about losing weight and eating healthfully at the same time.  My discoveries include my love of vegetables and fruit is a good thing.  Growing up on a farm meant those were always around either fresh, canned or put up in the freezer. 

I do however have to tone down my intake of some other foods such as my favorite salty snacks including all kinds of nuts.  In small dozes nuts are great for health, but high in calories.  That is proving to be a tough one for me.  The other little battle I am fighting is that against direct sugars like the granulated sort I put in my coffee and the indirect type I get through my love of carb’s, especially of the refined variety.  Moderating my intake of noodles, bread, rice, tortillas, pretzels, and such is a challenge, but one I am determined to meet! 

I read recently that around 63% of adults in the U.S.were either overweight or obese in 2009.  So far I fit into the overweight category of close to 40% of those in the USA.  Considering myself as out of the ordinary I find my extra weight to be quite ordinary considering these statistics.  Hence, my determination to move into what is classified” normal” which in this country is actually “abnormal” since just a little more than a third of people qualifies.   I have an email address that begins “uniquelyoriginal” and in the particular subject of weight I am determined to live up to that handle. 

Yes, more and better consistent exercise must also be a part of my new way of being, but I am up for the challenge.  With that focus and a change of eating habits I make a commitment here that I will lost around 25 pounds by this time next year, but am going to do the majority of that by the end of 2011!  I am grateful to have you as my witnesses!  Thank you.

More die in the United States of too much food than of too little?  John Kenneth Galbraith

July 4th Weekend: Whatever Can Go Wrong…

/ James Browning / 1 Comment

A good while back I sent a card to the dentist who took care of me to wish him a happy birthday and to say thank you.  Inside was written I’d be “gumming my food instead of chewing it” if not for him.  That statement was not an exaggeration! 

Good genetics blessed me with straight and well-formed teeth to the point I was asked more than once when young if my teeth were actually real.  That’s the good news.  The reverse info about my teeth is thin enamel at the gum line which means as I have aged the vast majority of the teeth ended up with unavoidable cavities that made crowning necessary.  Many things were prescribed to slow down the deterioration such as a solution I could use after brushing that highlighted any place I could brush more thoroughly.  Then there were fluoride rinses, added brushing and extra cleaning tools.  All decelerated the process of decline, but could not prevent it. 

Within the last few years I have lost two teeth to fracture causing them to be unsalvagable.  Now to replace them I face my first two implants to go along with the 15 or so crowns I already have.  Oh, boy.  New dental adventures!  The only teeth I have that are not “capped” are some front ones.  So the majority of chewing is done these days with man-made teeth and I am grateful for them. 

 My experience has also taught me all dentists are not of equal ability.  In my 20’s I was the patient of a dentist that I always enjoyed being around.  He had a great chair-side manner, interesting personality and told great jokes.  However, I discovered in time his work was not very good.  A number of dentists later remarked about his work being substandard.  It was then it hit me that for every dentist who finished school at the top of his class, there was one at the bottom.  

I have been blessed to have been in the care of several great dentists and have become skilled at finding them.  Asking around is a good start, but asking the correct questions of a dentist can be even more telling.  Having to find a new dentist a number of times necessitated by relocation, I have no issue “interviewing” one before I allow him or her to work in my mouth.  To them initially I am mostly just another patient.  But for me, I will live everyday with the work they do in my mouth!  

Beginning this past Friday a dull ache started above an upper molar which has gotten steadily worse since.  Now two days later eating is a painful chore and I chose this morning to make an emergency call to my dentist’s office.  The timing is less than great since it is the 4th of July weekend and I know Dr. C. is in Florida with his family for a week.  However, I was able to contact another dentist who works in the same practice that is handling emergencies while my guy is away.  She called in a prescription for antibiotics for the infection causing the discomfort and some pain pills to numb the aching.  Whew… I am thankful for the help!

While the distress from the tooth is not yet the throbbing and debilitating kind, I know better than to not let it get to that point before contacting a dentist.  I remember clearly being newly relocated in Philadelphia and not having a local dentist yet when a tooth went bad.  Clear in my memory is sitting on the kitchen floor close to midnight on a Sunday evening trying to drink enough wine to pass out.  The pain was that bad!  I made it through to Monday morning, found a dentist who referred me to an oral surgeon who saved the tooth with a root canal.  

From time to time I hear people complain about root canals but not me.  Several times having one done has been the remedy I sorely needed.  It takes a good bit of time for one to be done, but the procedure has never been that uncomfortable really.  Maybe it is because of all the dental work I’ve experienced which makes it seem like no big deal.  But it is more than that.  I have come to be really thankful for what can be done with modern dentistry by a capable dentist.  All I have to do is be patient, handle a little discomfort here and there and sit still while the work is being done.  

My gratitude today is sizeable for all the good dentists who have done work for me.  Yes, the work is expensive but has been worth every penny when the work was well done.  When I smile I am so glad there are teeth to be seen.  Sure many of them are man-made, but I have always had them replaced with teeth shaped like and of the same color as my original teeth.  Having them not look fake has always been important to me. 

So Dr. C., Dr. W. and Dr. P. thank you!  For the last 25 years you three gentlemen have kept my smile intact and my teeth working.  I know you were paid for your effort, but the quality of your work is valued beyond what you received for it.  And further, you all are likeable people who really care about your work and your patients.  I am blessed to have been in your care.  Thank you!

You don’t have to brush your teeth – just the ones you want to keep.  Author Unknown

Making the Habit Stop Kicking Me

/ James Browning

In my formative years, most everyone around me smoked:  parents, grandparents, aunts, uncles, teachers, doctors and more.  Those were the days when it seemed like a rite of passage to become a smoker certifying one as“adult” when old enough to smoke. 

In my early teens I began sneaking cigarettes and buying them when I could get away with it.  The strongest influence was “hanging out” with peers where puffing away was part of the culture.  Curiously though, smoking did not completely invade my life until I was long out of high school.   Once the habit had me, it REALLY had me.  Clear in memory is a few times when I had no money and picked out the longest butts from my ashtray to smoke.  Looking back now that seems pitiful. 

My habit took hold in the 70’s when the message printed on the packs became “Warning: The Surgeon General Has Determined that Cigarette Smoking is Dangerous to Your Health”.  I ignored it for a while with my youthful bullet proof attitude.  Then came the advertising campaigns about the adverse effects of cigarettes.  By then there was no doubt within I was doing something harmful to me. 

My young wife said we should stop smoking when we were in our mid-20’s.  I was impressed when she put them down and stopped cold turkey.  Always thinking I could accomplish just about anything, it was degrading to discover the smoking habit beat me again and again.  I became like Mark Twain who in the 1800’s wrote “Giving up smoking is the easiest thing in the world. I know because I’ve done it thousands of times”.  

When my son was around 4 years old he used to get my cigarettes and throw them in the trash when I was not looking.  When I would get onto him he would tell me “Daddy, Cigarettes are bad.  I don’t want you to die”.  That hurt, but my attempts at quitting remained unsuccessful.  I made it two weeks once with help from nicotine patches back when a doc had to prescribe them.  Then came advertisements on TV for a prescription drug called Zyban.  I tried that also but in hind sight believe I was looking for a short cut without the proper commitment needed. 

It was in the throws of a complete make-over of my life about four years ago I was finally successful in kicking cigarettes.  Finally there was a real desire within to quit.  That lead to a request of my doctor to prescribe what I believe to be a miracle drug called “Chantix”.   I am thankful for those tiny little pills that were a great companion to the determination to stop I had finally mustered.  

Looking back I realize it was disgust with the habit that finally motivated me.  Things like the need to have cigs and a lighter with me at all times and feeling like a second class citizen in smoking zones in alley-ways, loading docks and nasty yellowed smoking sections in airports finally got to me.   How sad I began to find those “designated areas” where smokers were concentrated smoking, hacking and coughing.  If any smoker tells you they enjoy smoking, I believe they are lying!  It’s just denial and justification. 

If you smoke, I sincerely feel for you.  I know how difficult that monkey on the back is to shake.  Never will I be on your case about quitting.  The only tip offered is the lack of knowledge of how badly I smelled when my habit was a pack-a-day.  Now I realize that no amount of hand washing, cologne or breath mints hides the habit. I lived in the delusion that I was fooling people for many years.  I know better now as I can smell all but light smokers from 10 feet away.  

The following is taken from “No Smoking” by Shane P. Ward who quit after 28 years. 

Was it hard to stop? You betchya! Every single day.
Some minutes seemed like hours till the craving went away.
I conjured up so many good excuses to give in.
But I was so determined that tobacco would not win.

The first day was the worst until the second day came.
The third day was the worst and then the fourth was much the same.
The fifth day? That was not so bad but bad enough to bear
But then I felt the sixth day I had got it beat. So there!

Telling you to stop is not what I would like to do.
The reason that I quit was choice. The same is up to you.
To quit is hard, I don’t deny it. Really it’s no joke.
But if you can withstand the strain, you’ll not return to smoke.

And finally a warning – and I say this in good heart.
If you have never ever smoked – then never ever start.
If you think that it’s cool to smoke then just try stopping it.
You’ll find it’s easier not to start, than smoking is to quit. 

My gratitude is deep to be cigarette free having last ‘burned one’ on October 26, 2007.  That was such a momentous day I will never forget the date.  Firmly entrenched in my mind is the knowing I am only one cigarette from being hooked again.   I know I can never have another one as long as I live.

Don’t get discouraged; it’s usually the last key in the bunch that opens the lock.  Unknown